Episode: 45 - Friends with Benefits Isn’t Just for the Young

It’s not just a twenty-something thing anymore. In this NSFB episode, we break down how friends with benefits evolves through your 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s — from messy feelings to fierce independence.

☕ Let’s talk blurred lines, clear boundaries, rediscovering pleasure, and why women over 50 are rewriting the rulebook.

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Transcript

Amber: [00:00:00] Today's brunch special is friends with benefits, A KAI like you, but not enough to build IKEA furniture with you. Here's the kicker. We're not just spilling dorm room hookup tea. We're breaking down how friends with [AT1] benefits plays out in your twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, and Yep. Even beyond. Spoiler, the rules, the needs, and the drama. All age right along with us. And honestly, women in their fifties are leading the benefits only. No cohabitation movement. Fewer dishes, more orgasms. Tell me that's not life goals.

Check.

Coralie: Welcome to Taboo Talks, not Safe for brunch where nothing is off the table. We're diving into real conversations about sex, relationships, and self-discovery with [00:01:00] zero shame and a whole lot of sass. 

Vicki: With over 55 years of combined experience in the intimacy industry and plenty of real life lessons, we are here to break taboos, bust myths, and serve up unapologetic.

Real world education, one brunch convo at a time. 

Coralie: I'm Coralie tuning in from Vancouver. I'm a married mom with one foot in the Empty Nest club. My superpower is going deep down rabbit holes and getting to the real root of things. 

Amber: And I'm Amber. I'm based in Ontario. I'm married. I'm a mom, a gma. And proudly blunt, I cut through the fluff and get straight to what matters.

Vicki: I'm Vicki and I'm from Manitoba. I'm divorced reentering the dating scene. I'm a mom to two grownups, and my magic is creating real connection because intimacy starts with trust. 

Coralie: Grab your mimosa, your matcha, or whatever turns you on, and let's dive in. 

Vicki: Okay. Let's talk about our twenties experimentation. Blurred lines, messy feelings. Friends with benefits in [00:02:00] your twenties often starts with like, oops, we hooked up. Are we dating now? And that certainly was, you know, when we were young. , But I think that might be changing. So we also think about emotional maturity. It just isn't there yet. So the boundaries are more like suggestions. Everyone's navigating and just, it's messy and they're trying to figure it out. But we definitely have a situationship culture that's thriving now. Lots of feelings, little clarity, mega confusion.

Nobody knows what they're doing. Right. Bodies and hormones are just driving the bus, but no one's really sure where it's going. We're just headed in this direction. So let's talk about that. Like, do you guys remember when you were young, when you had your first sort of friends with benefits attempt? What did that look like? Did it end with feelings, drama, bad group chat? What? What happened?

Coralie: I've never had a friend with benefits.

Vicki: Ooh, interesting.

Coralie: I Yeah, I just never had like a regular booty call person. I've been with my husband since I was 20 years old.

Amber: I mean, I had hookups and stuff, but not like somebody I would [00:03:00] like, Hey, you know what I

mean? Um, and anything, most of the time it would end with feelings. So if it was something that was started as friends with benefits, it ended with feelings with me.

Vicki: Yeah, I think that, I definitely. Had that. I don't think that it started that way, but I think that it was like super convenient and easy and you didn't have to worry about the feelings. But again, I think that there's so much confusion, especially in this age range where you know, we're still looking towards finding our person.

And I think that at that age it can get really confusing and the lines are super blurred and I think that we can get ourselves into some trouble if there isn't some real conversation and clarity around

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Definitely.

Amber: so let's jump into people in their thirties. There's, you know, clarity a little bit with your life. Maybe you have a balancing out careers, intentional choices that you're making. So by 30 people have these jobs, their bills you're adulting at this point. [00:04:00] You may even have kids. There's really no time for games. So friends with benefits are more about convenience and less about chaos. So sometimes you might just not be in a relationship and you're like, it's more convenient to just have a friend with benefits than it is, to try and date,

Vicki: Yeah,

I was in my first divorce years

in. 

Amber: you could set clear boundaries this way. I want X, not y, no cuddling, uh, unless it's pre-approved.

Vicki: Totally. No sleepovers.

Amber: So your fertility clock is kind of ticking at this point. If you are still considering having children. If you wanna maybe look into getting into that serious relationship so you can have children that may be kind of on the docket for you. And then sometimes it is just a placeholder, that. Friend with benefit, right? Sometimes it's exactly just enough with what you need, with what you've got going on. Maybe you're career focused, [00:05:00] maybe you're, , just got a lot going on and that's, that's all you really need right now.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. I mean, I can see, you know, if I was single suddenly and decided I wanted to, not necessarily date, but. Have regular sex. I can totally see the benefit of a friend with benefits, but I know for me, like I would only wanna be friends with benefits if I was their only friend with benefits, not in a relationship, but I wouldn't wanna sleep with someone who's sleeping with other people.

So it'd be really hard, but I.

Vicki: My face. We're gonna get to the fifties still. So 

Coralie: okay, so let's talk about the forties. There's a reset rediscovery. When you're in your forties, you could be post-divorce. You're definitely gonna have a lot more confidence. The older we get, the more confident we get, and. You know, you might be rediscovering desire or even [00:06:00] finding new desires. So many people in their forties, they reenter the dating pool after long marriages that they've exited.

Sex is less about proving something and more about just joy and having joy and pleasure in your life. And I'm going to guess if you're getting out of a marriage, you probably haven't had that in a long time, so you'd fill that cut back up. You're also, like I said, you're more confident so you know what you want.

You're not shy to ask for it. If they can't provide it, bye. But you have a full life. You got your career. You might have, you know, kids that are getting older, you're like chauffeuring them everywhere. You might have aging parents. So having a friend with benefits. It could seem like the simplest solution.

That's what I was saying, like I see how it just fits. You know, you still get your need met, but you don't have all the drama, which sounds great. So yeah. Do you guys think people in their forties, friends with benefit, is it about fun, freedom, or practice for the next relationship?[00:07:00] 

Vicki: yes.

Amber: I think it's more fun and freedom. Less practice.

Vicki: Yeah. I think it's more about fun and freedom as well. I think that the more women that I speak to in the 40 plus range, in their forties, they're still looking. For the most part, from whom I'm speaking with, they're still looking for some sort of a relationshipy feeling. But they recognize that that's not their priority anymore and that they are their priority. And then that's sort of what rolls 'em into their fifties, 

Coralie: I can see how it would be, . Practice because I've talked to so many clients who, you know, they got out of these long relationships with basically a dead bedroom. So they don't even know what they like, they don't know how to

tell their partner. So I can see how it would be practice like, oh, I didn't, I didn't do this before.

'cause their partner made them feel unsafe, so they couldn't do those things. 

Vicki: that's really fair. Yeah, that is a, that is an incredibly fair statement, and I think we do hear that a lot, especially in [00:08:00] our

business where women are exploring what their needs even look like at this

Coralie: Right.

Vicki: Yeah. That's cool. I like that. so let's talk about the fifties, the golden era of friends with benefits and I am in it.

So it's a real focus on independence, autonomy of time and energy. Sexual empowerment, the fifties, guys, I'm telling you. Where it's at. So women in their fifties are leading the change on choosing part-time intimacy over full-time commitment. I think that they have, they have definitely figured out what deserves their energy more. Why? I don't know. I mean, it fi, freedom of time and energy. Financial independence. We don't wanna share our money with anyone. Zero desire to pick up. Someone else's laundry. Change the roll of toilet paper that someone else was too lazy to do, clean up the kitchen after. So, I mean, it's all that stuff, honestly. Your kids are grown, their careers, they're doing their thing. They're probably settled in their own lives because [00:09:00] that's what you did. You built these self-sufficient human beings to leave the nest and, you know, finally you've got some space to prioritize, yourself, right? I think that's a, a really important piece for the fifties. We've talked about this before, living apart, together, arrangements, they're on the rise, companionship, sex, but no co habing. That, that's a whole thing. I think that's a whole thing. And of course, medical advances in longevity mean that sex is still very much a part of our lifestyle when we're fifties.

I don't know. I don't feel 50, I feel way closer to 35, maybe 40, but I do not feel 50 certainly when it comes to. Sexual desire, et cetera. I think that it's a, it's really important not to write people in their fifties off.

So research shows women over 50 are more likely to prioritize autonomy and companionship over traditional relationships. And many say that they want sex without the caregiving responsibilities that often come with living with a partner. What do you think?

Coralie: I mean, I think that makes sense.

Amber: If I'm [00:10:00] at that point, I am likely never living with anybody again. Like if my husband and I ever split at this point, I think I'm already not living with anybody again. But who knows? I don't know, um, 

Vicki: Yeah, that's shoulda right. 

Coralie: I I, feel the same way. I can't imagine if something happened to him or something happened between us. I mean. There would have to be. Yeah. I just can't imagine. I can't imagine ever living with another human being ever again.

Vicki: Yeah, I,

Amber: I mean, do I need a friends with benefits? Probably not.

Vicki: yeah,

you may not. 

Amber: totally honest. I am happy by myself.

Vicki: Yep. I'm, like I said, I wouldn't wanna friends with benefit either, but I was wrong. So I, I think that the more women that are coming into their fifties that are possibly separating and divorcing, they're restarting their lives again. , [00:11:00] I really have a really, an excellent sampling of these women, in my life, in all areas of my life.

And what I'm noting is that the overwhelming response is I'm really. I'm okay on my own, but I would like to have my needs met. And the other part of that is when we're talking about men, is that I think men are still looking at these in these age ranges. If they are separating, I think they're still looking for somebody to be in a relationship with.

And I think they're assuming that women want to be in relationships as opposed to, a really ethical. Piece of communication around what a friends with benefits situation could look like. I agree. Sleeping around may not be what I would think most women want to do. But it would be really nice to be safe with somebody that doesn't sleep over. , But I do believe that there are a lot of people that just believe that women are looking for a partnership still, and then they're nervous and they're backing up. And I just don't see anything wrong with not [00:12:00] sleeping over. Do the things, go home, it's fine.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Do the.

Coralie: I totally agree. That's what I hear too, is that, you know, the women generally, they're not looking to jump into other relationships, whereas as the men generally are, and, I think part of that is because, at this age, forties and fifties, you realize like you, you don't need anyone.

You know, you don't need, you can take care of yourself. And a lot of times when we are in relationships, when we're younger, if it's a, stereotypical relationship, like, so for me, for example, when I was younger, a hundred percent my husband made. Was the breadwinner in the family. And not that that was a reason to stay or anything, but I think men get in that mind frame sometimes that I'm, you know, gonna make more money.

So I'm gonna take care of her and she's gonna wanna be taken care of when we just wanna take care of ourselves and we wanna take care of our partners in the same manner that they take care of [00:13:00] us. So it's equal and not this unequal thing. And I think that happens more when you're older that you realize that. 

Vicki: I think you're right. And, and again, I think that we're moving together in a way, and when you can be in a relationship that is spend the time, right? You learn and you adjust together and you figure that out as you go. But I think that in something like my situation, when you pull into your fifties single and you're going, hmm. What does this look like? I mean, I just, I think that women don't have time for the

bullshit, and they don't, they, they don't want it. They're not interested. And I honestly think that they're, I think it's why, you know, women in their fifties might look at things like ethical non-monogamy and go, oh, well, I mean, if that's an open relationship, I. I don't require any of my emotional needs to be met because I have this incredible friend group, I have this incredible family. Everyone else is meeting my emotional needs. I really just need to have a safe place and person to do the things [00:14:00] with, have my needs met and they leave. Or you go home and it's not. I don't know. I just feel like there's a much bigger gray area there that is being completely ignored. I also think that there's a lot of stigma and judgment on it, and I also think that a lot of times a prospective partner will look and assume what we want, and unfortunately, they're not always right, and then they move in a direction that the other partner. Doesn't want. And I think that there becomes a really big disconnect, and I think that's frustrating. And it doesn't matter what you communicate or how you communicate. Right. Sometimes people receive information. You've said this before, corly, they receive information in the way that they want to, but if the message as it landed as it was intended then, then it wasn't

received. 

Coralie: and that can be hard sometimes because sometimes you're never gonna say something in the way, like someone's never gonna hear it in the way you're intending.

Vicki: Right.

Yeah.

without asking a lot of questions, but [00:15:00] then they don't ask questions.

Coralie: Yeah.

And I think also too, when you're talking about single women in their fifties who've been in marriages and are divorced, if I'm thinking like, oh, if I was single, would I live with someone again? No, because it took so much work to get here.

We're so ha we know each other's, you know, buttons. We know, we know it all. We've been through it all. We've had 30 years of training with each other. I am tired.

Vicki: Listen, I have a side story. So I was standing in line at the hostess stand yesterday to get into a restaurant, and there was a new couple behind me who were obviously meeting for their very first date, and they had the most incredibly awkward. Interaction. It made me want to just tell him, just give the hostess your credit card number and go home and let this lovely woman have, have a nice dinner by herself.

Like it was, it was so bad, and I was like, I feel [00:16:00] so horrible for these people. This is gonna be the worst hour and a half of their lives. They're gonna hate

this. They literally were in a conversation about whatever. She was Asian. He was Caucasian, and he was trying to make conversations.

She said something about, yeah, my family just opened a restaurant. And he goes, oh, Chinese. And

Coralie: Oh

Vicki: she said, she said, no, a pizza. And I was like, I wanna fucking die

for her. I wanna die for her. It was so bad. But yeah, I was, I was mortified for her and all I could think was he needs to gracefully back out and leave.

Like he, like, something happened, his stomach hurts and he is gotta go home. I don't know, it was, I felt bad for her. I did not look in their direction the rest of the evening. I had my back to them, thank God, because I would not have been able to focus on my own company.

Amber: Well

Coralie: I think a lot of people don't realize that's racist, right? So that's why I think it's It's okay to leave [00:17:00] in

Amber: Or it comes out of your mouth and it's like.

Coralie: right.

Vicki: Yeah, I don't know that he felt that way. I, I just, the, the entire conversation was super awkward and I just thought if you've just met, you've walked into this restaurant together, and this is how this started. It ends, it ends right here. Like no one's having their needs met tonight. That's all I could think. 

Alright, not safe for brunches. That's a wrap on today's Friends with Benefits Field Guide, whether you're 22 and accidentally catching feelings 32. Scheduling your hookups around deadlines 42, celebrating your sexual reboot or 52 and saying hell no's a live in boyfriends. Just remember, benefits are best when you know what you want.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a seat at the Taboo Talk. Not Safe for Brunch Table. If today's chat made you laugh, think squirm, or all three. Do us a solid like follow and leave a review. It's basically the podcast world's version of a good tip. 

Vicki: Want more juicy, unfiltered [00:18:00] conversations? Tap the link in the show notes and sign up for our weekly newsletter.

Your VIP pass to what didn't make it on the air. 

Coralie: Brunch isn't just about the bites and bubbles, it's about showing up real raw and ready to talk about what really matters. So until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.

 [AT1]