Episode: 50 - Dating Apps Exposed: What People Are Really Experiencing in 2025

From generational differences to queer vs straight dating culture to why men and women are having wildly different experiences, we break down what’s actually happening behind the swipe, and what the numbers say about who’s really finding connection.

If you’ve ever deleted a dating app only to re-download it two weeks later… this episode was made for you.

Transcript

Amber: [00:00:00] Raise your hand if you've ever deleted a dating app, only to redownload it a couple weeks later.

And for those of you listening, Vicki's the only one raising her hand.

Coralie: The rest of us have been in relationships since before dating apps were a thing, not because.

Vicki: But if you hadn't been, you'd

be doing the same thing.

Amber: I probably, yeah.

Vicki: Alright, so maybe you've matched with someone whose profile photo is clearly taken from their lap. Guys, stop with the selfie. We can see straight up your nose. We need it nice and high.

Coralie: Yes.

Coralie: Welcome to Taboo Talks, not Safe for brunch where nothing is off the table. I'm Coralie tuning in from Vancouver. my superpower is going deep down rabbit holes and getting to the real root of things. 

Amber: And I'm amber. I'm [00:01:00] proudly blunt, I cut through the fluff and 

get straight to what matters.

Vicki: I'm Vicki and my magic is creating real connection because intimacy starts with trust. 

Coralie: Grab your mimosa, your matcha, or whatever turns you on, and let's dive in.

Today we're breaking down. What happens when digital dating meets real life across generations, orientations and expectations. So who's actually finding connection and who's just like collecting matches.

Amber: From twenties to fifties, straight and L-G-B-T-Q folks, men and women we're swiping through the ages to find out who's really matching and why.

Vicki: When I finally decided to take one for the team and try the apps, I expected. Complete chaos. And I was right, but what I didn't expect was how differently people approach dating based on their age. That was kind of surprising to me. So like men [00:02:00] in their thirties and forties, they were more patient and communicative.

It was. Wild. I did not expect that. And men in their fifties plus they really wanted to meet quickly and less chatting and just, let's get off this app right away. But younger men were really showing real interest, especially in older women. Again, super surprising to me and women in their fifties realizing their dating pool is younger than expected, was. That was, again, I am women in their fifties. Right? That was so shocking to me. I had no idea that was even a thing, guys. It was crazy. But there's also a difference in each of the apps, the app quality itself. It really does make a difference like hinge. This is the first time I ever went on Hinge.

That is way more interesting, Tinder and plenty of fish. It's just fucking chaos. Like it's absolute insanity and [00:03:00] I don't ever wanna do that again. For

Coralie: I thought it was interesting that you said, you know, the younger men are showing real interest in older women. And I'm. Totally get that. Like I can absolutely see that happening. But it's also the other way around too, because my son is 23 and almost every time he goes to the bar, there's a woman around my age that's hitting on him.

Vicki: Well, you know what, like the way I'm feeling is, I am been divorced a few years and I'm just kind of like wading through the things, but I was really surprised at. How much more interesting younger men are like, I'm not gonna lie, I'm kind of

enjoying myself 

Coralie: Well what I imagine too, like how you said that the men in their thirties and forties are more communicative or fifties and up. They just like kind of wanna meet up really quick, and I think that's such. You know, telling of the generations, because fifties and ups, they're going to be, gen X or in the boomer generation and. We know that [00:04:00] communication isn't those generation strong points, and I say that as a Gen Xer, so don't come for me. Whereas, the next generations have had more communication, they understand it more, so I'm sure when it comes down to it. Everyone just wants to get laid, but at least have a good conversation first.

Vicki: Yeah,

for sure. 

Amber: but do you think maybe for in their fifties, it's not so much about the communication aspect as it is about the technology aspect, right? They didn't grow up with it, so them wanting to quickly meet. They may be way better off communicating in person and I don't know, you've gone on some dates, are you seeing that where they're more communicative if you are to meet them versus like online?

Vicki: Yeah, they are. But they're struggling because, most of them are also fairly freshly divorced and they're just not

sure how to start these conversations and, the whole getting to know somebody thing is kind. It's hard and it's old, , especially when we're in this age range, we're thinking like, what does this [00:05:00] look like for me?

Right? How long am I gonna have to talk to this person and figure it out? But what I found interesting is that, younger men find you get to know them prior to going on the date, Right.

When you meet with somebody in that sort of 50 plus generation, you are meeting them on that date. You have no

frame of reference before you walk in.

And I like a frame of reference.

Coralie: One thing I would love for you to elaborate on, 'cause I know you talked to us a little bit about it and because Amber and I are app dumb with this stuff, . for anyone who maybe is newly single after a very long-term relationship, who might be going into it in a situation where Amber and I would be if we were suddenly single, where we have no frame of reference for these apps and what they do. Tell us your experience with the different apps and what people can expect from you. You mentioned Tinder, plenty of fish and hinge. What's the difference? Is it like Louisa Tom versus Walmart? Like, I don't get it.

Vicki: kinda except for communication, and what they're looking for. I found [00:06:00] that plenty of Fish and Tinder were more on the hookup side, which wasn't, uh, downfall for me because I'm not necessarily. Out here seeking some full-time relationship. But, it was more transactional, I guess.

Like, it was like, let's meet and let's do whatever, right? Let's meet here and let's do this thing. Whereas, yeah, like I said, I found that Hinge has been the most communicative. It's been the one where they're wanting to get to know. And you're right, I think that the end goal is getting laid a hundred percent.

Of course it is. But they're willing to take the journey. So I do think it's a little, you know, Tinder, plenty of fish is like McDonald's and I might be, I might even head to the keg over here on Hinge.

Coralie: Okay, wait, what about Bumble? Have you been on that one?

Vicki: I have never used Bumble. I have never started there. I am not taking on

another one. You guys,

Amber: So while the generations are out here [00:07:00] swiping at different speeds, what about people in completely different dating worlds where connection looks and feels totally different.

Coralie: I imagine it's a completely different experience if someone is straight versus L-G-B-T-Q because it's almost like a different ecosystem, I know there are different queer apps out there, which I think is. Awesome. And from what I've heard about them is that they feel really community centered. Like I've never heard someone describe any straight dating app that way that it's community centered. So it almost sort

of, to me feels like it's more people looking out for each other too. Kind of like in those, are we dating the same guy groups?

Vicki: So the feedback that we received from the 20 something that we interviewed, that has dated in both the straight and the queer communities. She had some really good sort of, , experiences to share and one of them was just that straight dating is a lot more. Transactional, there's more [00:08:00] ghosting involved and it's less personal, which I thought was really, really interesting.

And on some of the dating apps, for the queer community, there was a lot more authenticity, mutual care, post-date, friendships, communication, really. Speaking with one another openly and honestly, and sharing what the needs were that, were being met and how purposeful it was for each of them.

I don't understand why can't the straight dating community be so connective and loving?

Amber: That's, that's really fascinating, and I'm not even, I'm not really surprised to be honest with you.

Because having spent time in, you know, obvious, like the straight community because I'm straight, but having also spent time in the queer community, I, I love them. 

Vicki: I feel so warm. 

Amber: It's just, I could completely understand how the dating world, the dating apps flow into the same way that they live their [00:09:00] lives.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: Yeah,

Coralie: I would also imagine too, because that circle is a lot smaller, right? That you can't really ghost 'cause you're gonna see them again. Because I'm immediately thinking back, like in the nineties, I lived on Capitol Hill in Seattle, Washington. My roommate was a lesbian. She was out at the gay bars and there was a couple ghosting situations where they were always running into each other again, because it's a small community.

This is before apps. This was the nineties, so the last century, they're running into each other and someone's ghosted someone because it's not like there's a handful of bars that they would enjoy. And so yeah, I can just, I can see that because it's more population.

Vicki: so can I, and I think that because there's that pre communication that happens that if they decide to go their separate ways, it's not in anger or disappointment or, there may be some sadness, but it's nothing that you can't get past because [00:10:00] you haven't necessarily left in a blow up and pointing fingers and doing the things you're literally. Oftentimes, I think just sort of walking away, going, this environment actually isn't working for me. I really wish you all the best, and I just, why can't I just hope for this for,

Coralie: Well, I think also too, one of the reasons for that, because like I have gay kids and and I've had been around gay people almost all my life and I think they've had to learn to communicate and process their feelings a hell of a lot differently than someone who identifies as hetero.

Right? So I think they're kind of ahead of the game when it comes to that communication. So I can see how that happens. Whereas if you think about a hetero couple separating, yeah, there's so many situations. Everyone knows someone where the parents can't even be in the same room. They can't communicate

Vicki: Yep.

Coralie: because they've never had that communication skill or someone in the relationship didn't. And I can just see how that would flip in a queer [00:11:00] relationship because of just the extra growth you have to do just to accept yourself or be okay with, whatever. It's a lot. Right. 

Vicki: Yeah, I think that what I love about. All of this and that I wish for all of us is that we're taking every relationship in a way that we're walking away if we do. Having learned something, having that person been impactful in our life in a way that, we can say, Hey, you know what, that was a good experience or that was an experience.

Even if it wasn't a great

experience, that was an experience and I'm gonna take this into my life and I'm gonna make sure that I adjust and modify based on my needs. So it's a learning experience, it's a growth experience, and that's what all relationships should be, in my

opinion. But the apps, man. 

Amber: So we've seen how dating shifts across ages and across communities, but what's it like from the other side of the screen? I mean, let's look into a male perspective because men, from what [00:12:00] we've heard, are getting a completely different experience.

Vicki: Well it is is quite different for sure. I am really excited to talk about this topic. I did a great interview.

Amber: So we couldn't talk about dating apps, right? Without this perspective. And honestly, their experience sounds like a mix between deja vu and maybe digital fatigue.

Vicki: Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Samers.

Amber: It seems like a cycle of doom. Download, disappoint, delete, repeat, download, disappoint, delete, repeat.

Vicki: Yeah, a hundred percent.

Amber: And I mean, it sounds like you've kind of been doing that too, where you're like, I downloaded this,

Vicki: You know?

Amber: but I think they're the brunt of it.

Vicki: Yeah, I do too. And I think that too, that, especially men, they really suffer from that. We have to make the first contact, we have to create the conversation. We have to do the things. And, I find that really unfortunate because I think that we. We hear so [00:13:00] much about people talking about being in their feminine and allowing men to be in their masculine and lead and dah, dah, dah.

They're just as

Coralie: Totally.

Vicki: rest of us.

Do you know what I mean? Give them a break, right? You can figure out a relationship dynamic if you decide that you're gonna be in one, but, there's just so much pressure around

Coralie: Do people really

like, okay, wait, mine's blown. And so people go on apps, men and women, they go on apps. And then there's, people say there, they're like, I like you. I like you too. Oh, but then they're waiting for the man.

Vicki: Correct. Correct. But this is what I liked about Hinge because with Hinge, I had to like, like a photo or something. Like in order to even get into a position of them contacting me, they could contact me freely first if they liked one of my photos. But it wasn't just a boom, I'm gonna contact you.

It was literally. A piece of communication they had to like a photo or say something about that or, one of the statements that was made or whatever that looked like. It started with communication right away. [00:14:00] And I did like that. I think it makes it easier for men because it gives them a little segue.

But our friend here struggled with some segues. We'll carry on.

Amber: Well, and I mean the apps are kind of gamified and for men there's paywalls and some visibility, pressure to upgrade, which is not fair because for women it's not the same.

Vicki: No, not at all. And then on top of that, they're having to like filter through the bots and the AI generated photos and stuff like that. Like I had some one guy ask me like, how recent are your photos? And I'm just , like. Last week, you know what I mean? So, and I don't use filters. I got wrinkles, man.

I'm sorry. I'm 53 years old, you know what I mean?

But there are people that are hiding behind that, which then makes it even harder to navigate. Right.

It's kind of interesting because as a woman I see that there are a lot of male men's profiles that also. They are playing with some filters as well, and bots and getting catfished and having somebody try and [00:15:00] scam you.

It's prevalent everywhere. But again, because men are put in this position where they feel like they have to respond first or make the first move, I dated a guy once who we were talking about the apps, and he was saying that, somebody walked into a date with him in a public place, and she walked past him like three times before he realized it was her. And I'm like,

that's, that's not cool. That is

not 

Amber: you have used way too many filters.

Vicki: If you're unrecognizable as a

human being, go home.

Coralie: What I thought was so interesting about the dating apps as someone who's never been on 'em, and my only experience is hearing people talk about them, or I love to read into a comment thread when people are talking about it online. And this one comment thread said, this woman, she gets hundreds if not a thousand, likes or whatever a day, whereas men only get like one that. Even if it's not that [00:16:00] extreme, but like that difference, that's just incredible.

Amber: Now is this though, because of these paywalls where they're just not as 

Coralie: I, I don't 

Amber: to who they're looking for.

Vicki: Yeah. It could be on some of the apps, I know on plenty of fish, men would put in their bios like, I'm not paying for this app so I can't message

you first kind of stuff. I don't know what to do with that, i'm not super invested, so I'm not really gonna be jumping through a bunch of hoops to get to

you. So, which

is also a. 

Coralie: and I, think the apps too, they know, they've done market research obviously, who's gonna be more inclined to pay for more, right.

Vicki: A hundred percent.

Yeah.

They make it easier for women, for sure. Men definitely have to, be a little bit more invested, I think, which again, I don't know that I feel like that's right. But, they. Also experience, some likes, but I think women are receiving a lot more likes. I could download a new app and there's [00:17:00] 50 to a hundred, likes or start conversation starters, like boom, boom, boom.

It's overwhelming. I don't know that's the experience for men specifically, or whether or not they're legitimate people each time. I mean, I'm sure that for myself as well, they aren't, I'm just not engaging with what's not interesting to me.

So, 

Coralie: me of this meme that floated around a few years ago. That was something like, hey fellas, if you think you want a divorce or separate from your wife, get your wife to download Tinder and see how many people she'll have lined up compared to you.

Vicki: Hundred percent. And they may or may not be quality,

but they're, they're there.

It is not hard to meet someone on an app as a single woman.

Let me just say that. But again, I'm also noting that the 30 to 40 something men , they're just not quick to meet. My brain kind of shorts out after a while and I'm like, listen,

I got shit to do. You

keep me interested. So.

Our friend who, shared the male perspective with us was talking [00:18:00] about how, somebody had a really blank kind of bio and, you know, there was a tattoo. So we made a comment about her tattoo something about, you know, what's that all about? And she said, oh, nothing really like Then the conversation was shut down. Was that because. She looked at the profile and wasn't interested. Is it because she was just tired of the other 50 guys that just wanted to bang it out? I don't know. What was her purpose on that app? What was she like? There's so much around that, but there is a lot they of women that are just so exhausted from the bullshit that unfortunately there may or may not be a decent guy out there that reaches out, and you might just be overdrawn at that point.

And that's also part of the problem. Yeah.

Amber: Well, and he also said that dating apps are more designed for like scrolling really, and not staying. And I mean that's all apps in general. That's where we're going, right? That's where we're headed. 

Vicki: Yeah, 

Amber: that dopamine hit, right? So, 

Vicki: yeah. yeah. It's really hard to, to consider that it is a viable way to meet people, but from my [00:19:00] perspective, going out into the world is not a viable way to meet people either. I,

we're just not, people aren't talking to one another. People are not approaching one another in real life,

if you will, in IRL.

Like they're just, they're

Coralie: Well, I will say that, of every couple I know that has gotten together, I would say in the last 10 to 15 years, I mean, just rough numbers thinking off the top of my head, I'm gonna say 80% of them met on an app or met online in some way. Whether even Facebook

dating, people just, yeah, if they meet in. Person without an app. It's usually because of a friend or through work or something. It's not oh, we went to the bar and we met up. Like, that is so rare.

Amber: Right.

Vicki: yeah, no, that's not happening. I will say that I did have, a few people message me who talked about Facebook dating and that they found that to be quite successful actually.

Also incidentally, I had a couple of girls who were really willing to share with me the screenshots of some of the messages that they received.

And this is definitely from the under 40 [00:20:00] crowd. And they were very overt and sexual and pointed and demeaning, and it was really hard to read some of those, if I'm being really honest, they really. Have to endure a lot. And they really have to want to find somebody on an app in order to manage through it.

But that is exactly why people are on and then they're off and then they download it again. It's because

it's so degrading. So I don't know that it's where I'm gonna find my person, but I'm certainly gonna have some fun trying

Coralie: You know the universe. I better never be single, let me tell you that. Because

if I got messages like that that were unsolicited, we were just talking and suddenly I started talking the screenshot. I'm finding your mother.

Vicki: Mm.

Coralie: I'm finding someone 

Vicki: You kiss your grandma with that 

Coralie: knows this is how you talk to strangers, like

Vicki: Yeah,

Coralie: be vigilant.

Vicki: yeah. Yeah. Uh, there's this thing with the app and being online [00:21:00] where consent is lost. , It's nice if you can. Talk to somebody for a while and I, I'm actually not hating that. And then, , maybe meeting up and maybe not, and maybe it's just conversation and you're connecting because you're both in this weird pool of people and you're just sort of trying to navigate through it is what it is. Whatever you find there, it just has to be kind and serve you,

right? I

Coralie: So what's the reality behind all the swiping? Let's look at the numbers. We know, I love the numbers because the stats paint a pretty interesting picture. So about 30% of adults have used a dating app, but only around 12% have found something lasting either marriage or long-term relationship. And something interesting I think about that stat is, adults 18 and up. I wonder what that is by generation. Because I'm gonna get, gen Zs, even Gen Alpha coming up. I would say that's a much higher number. Right? So this is an

average out of all. But some interesting, things about those numbers is that [00:22:00] most of the people using these apps are, they're just browsing, they're just window shopping.

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: They wanna see what's available, but not actually purchase. So.

Vicki: Uh, listen,

Coralie: I.

Vicki: listen, when. When you go out in the world, okay, and you are creating genuine conversation with real human beings, of the gender of your interest, those conversations are not great. At all. And it does put you in a position where you're thinking, well, wait a minute, is this just this demographic? Is this overall what dating is like?

Is it because I'm in my fifties? Is it because they're in their forties? Is it because they're in their fifties? Like it's such a crazy dynamic that I have absolutely gone on the apps to. Hmm. Just to be like, is this really it? And then again, on some apps, your experiences are one way. And the on hinge, I found that it's just it's conversational and [00:23:00] at the end of the day when I have, an hour and I'm literally drinking my tea before I go to bed. Ah, it's a great way to

Coralie: Ah,

Vicki: things.

Coralie: love it. Well, yeah, you know, hinge is seen as the most like relationship focus. So I guess if you're looking for that commitment, get onto Hinge. It's hinging on you being on Hinge. And as we talked about earlier, L-G-B-T-Q users generally report higher satisfaction and authentic connection. And like we said, I think that's because they are a step ahead of a lot of us at communicating and being authentic as well. Another interesting thing is that, whether you have success or not from a dating app, it's more based on what your intention is. Rather than your age, your gender. Because if you know your intention, then your expectations are going to be more visible. You're gonna kind of know, right? So before you download that app again. [00:24:00] What is your intention? What do you want? What do you not want? And I think this is a good time to just pop in, Vicki's therapist tip from fresh from when she was fresh from her divorce where her therapist said, just use it. You don't know these people. Just go practice your boundaries. That's a free therapy tip.

Like, I kind of wanna do it just for the boundary practice

Vicki: Yeah, and man. was, that was a fast in furious lesson for sure. I had a really good experience on an app and I did meet somebody that I spent almost two years with and he was a great guy and sometimes people just. Aren't each other's person. And it happens.

And at the end of the day, I don't regret that for a second, although, you know, I went in with one perspective and came out with another. I think I learned a lot about myself, about other people. I agree. I think that the boundaries, example, I think everybody needs to try that on[00:25:00] 

Coralie: Well, and that brings me to the final point, which is the apps reflect how we connect, not just who we connect with. So I think when you're doing that, especially if you don't have a life where you create a lot of different connections to your job or career or whatever your life is that's just such a great way to learn more about yourself and how you communicate and where you really are great at it, and where like, oh, gotta do some growth here. You know?

Amber: Right?

Vicki: If we walk away from every experience saying, what did I learn here? Then we're doing it right. 

Coralie: Absolutely.

Amber: Mm-hmm. So whether you're swiping for love validation, or just curiosity, the numbers prove one thing. It's less about the app and more about how you show up. Dating apps might drive us crazy. But they're mirrors showing who we are at every stage of life.

Vicki: Younger men are surprisingly open. Older men are still learning patience and women are redefining what connection looks like on their [00:26:00] own terms.

Coralie: And whether it's queer, straight, or somewhere in between, real connection still matters way more than the perfect profile photo.

Amber: That's it for this week's Not Safe for Brunch episode. Please send us your wildest dating up stories. I swear we'll keep them anonymous, but you know what? They may end up on the show.

Vicki: And lap selfies please. Can we begging you, can we stop? Can we just stop? I honestly, I wanted to just, message a few of them and be like, that's a bad angle. Do it again.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a seat at the Taboo Talk. Not Safe for Brunch Table. If today's chat made you laugh, think squirm, or all three. Do us a solid like follow and leave a review. It's basically the podcast world's version of a good tip. 

Vicki: Want more juicy, unfiltered conversations? Tap the link in the show notes and sign up for our weekly newsletter. Your VIP pass to what didn't make it on the air. 

Coralie: Brunch isn't just about the bites and bubbles, it's about [00:27:00] showing up real raw and ready to talk about what really matters. So until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.