Episode: 53 - If Your Sex Life Had a Performance Review, Would It Pass?

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Forget vision boards. In this episode of Not Safe for Brunch, we’re doing a year-end sex audit. What turned us on, what shut things down, what surprised us, and what we are absolutely leaving behind.

We talk about saying no without guilt, libido changes, obligation sex, menopause realities, unexpected turn-ons, and why communication matters more than frequency. Whether you’re partnered or single, this is a real-talk reset for your intimacy heading into the new year.

Grab your cocoa, your vibrator, or both. Let’s debrief.

Transcript

Coralie: [00:00:00] All right. It's the end of the year. The trees dry. If it's real. The stockings are questionable and we are doing what everyone should do. A full year end December sex audit.

Amber: Yeah, forget vision boards. This is about reflecting on what actually turned you on, turned you off, and what you're leaving behind in 2025.

Vicki: That's right. We'll each take a category, what we said no to this year, what surprised us and what we're bringing into 2026. So grab your cocoa or your vibrator and let's debrief.

Coralie: Welcome to Taboo Talks, not Safe for brunch where nothing is off the table. We're diving into real conversations about sex, relationships, and self-discovery with zero shame and a whole lot of sass. 

I'm Coralie tuning in from Vancouver. My superpower is going deep [00:01:00] down rabbit holes and getting to the real root of things. And 

Amber: I'm Amber. I'm based in Ontario. And proudly blunt, I cut through the fluff and get straight to what matters.

Vicki: I'm Vicki and I'm from Manitoba. And my magic is creating real connection because intimacy starts with trust. 

Amber: Grab your mimosa, your matcha, or whatever turns you on, and let's dive in.

Vicki: Alright, so let's talk about how saying no is often it can be the most empowering sexual choice. I think it's really important to be able to give ourselves grace, especially at the end of the year when we're looking back at what we liked and what we didn't and what worked and what didn't.

I think this is the ultimate in the sex decompress conversation that I like to have after every time they have an encounter. So I think this is great. So, for example, at the end of the year, you can start having a chit chat, sit down with your partner and just discuss like what.

They liked and what they would like more of or less of. I think it's a true opportunity to [00:02:00] figure it out and create a map. We do it for so many other places in our life. What are the kids' lives gonna look like in this next year? What are our lives? Are we gonna take that promotion? Are we gonna do these things?

But no one's talking about how are we going to feed our personal relationship? And of course, you guys know I like to start with me first.

yeah, I think, oftentimes we might assume that a happy couple. Is doing it all the time regularly. And you know what was really, one of my big revelations for the year, if you're new here at the end of last year, I ended up in emergency surgery with an ostomy that I had until April. And people just assume because I'm in this industry and I've been in this industry for 20 years, you know. All sorts of assumptions about our sex lives when I had an ostomy and for us, it was just off the table for a long time and that was okay. You know, like neither one of us felt like our relationship was in [00:03:00] jeopardy or in shambles or anything like that because our sex life suddenly went from pretty rabbit, like to like hibernating bears, but what's actually, really cool about that timeframe now that I'm looking back, is that it actually bonded us a lot more. Because we were connecting in so many other ways because it was the first time really in our relationship, aside from when I had kids, that my husband really had to like fully just take care of me. I was a sick patient.

I was like the Canadian patient, like the English patient, and he had to take care of me.

And it was like, you know, so there was no sex, nothing was happening. 

But if anything, I think it made us stronger, you know, going

You know, it's incredible. Hey, trauma has this way of reframing everything that we know to be true.

Coralie: Right.

Vicki: Right. So I think it's really important to sort of remember like where you were in your relationship. If something happens that is traumatic or even it can feel [00:04:00] traumatic when we've heard a no too many times or when we're always the initiator or all of that stuff.

It's really important to sort of take that back and go, how did I feel? And if we've had those pre-conversations where we know that we're on solid ground. Then when something crazy happens, it's not quite as impactful. Obviously very impactful in your case. But I think it just gives us that moment to go, we've got this as a couple, as a family, we're okay.

And I think that that only happens when we have a regular decompress. And the idea of looking at what do things look like going forward? How do we manage if we have a challenge? Those are all really huge things.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Yep.

Vicki: So hearing, no, let's talk about that. I mean, we know that, those of us who have partners here know once in a while and sometimes we're the ones that are hearing no.

And that can really take, a confidence. Slam, right? That can change how we feel about the situation. It can oftentimes, it can make us pull back and go, yeah, I'm not gonna ask anymore, or whatever that looks like. It's just kind of a, a [00:05:00] wild situation. But again, if you have this decompress, you can always, broach the topic so that you're never in no man's land.

You're always in a space of conversation.

Amber: I think that's a big key though, because in a lot of relationships, no, happens a lot depending on what stage of life that you're in, and what's happening. And oftentimes it's like it's one person and then the other person's initiating and then they're hearing no a lot. And I know for us, like it was that way and I, would say. no a lot or whatever. And then he did the same thing. He, he just looked at me and he's like, I'm not asking you ever again if you want it, come and get it.

You know what I mean? And I was like, shit, am I saying no that much? Do you know what I mean?

Vicki: Yeah. I mean, we, we sometimes don't recognize it.

Coralie: Hmm.

Amber: Yeah, yeah. And then I, when I initiated one time when he was like, having a really stressful time and I thought, yeah, this is a great time to initiate because like, I'm gonna de-stress him. And, uh, he said, no. He was, it was just off the table for him. He was too stressed

and I was like, [00:06:00] oh, that's how that feels. 'cause he like never says no.

Vicki: Right, right. Right. Wow. What a moment. Hey.

Amber: So it took, and a lot of it was like earlier in our relationship, earlier in our relationship, but I'm like, we had to learn how to have these conversations. So yeah.

Vicki: And I think the idea that libido doesn't equal our worth is also really important too, right? Because we think, well, this is what makes him feel whole, right? When we do these things, but it doesn't necessarily, right? Sometimes we need space, sometimes we need connection, and the only way to figure that out is to talk about it.

So.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think also too, when that happens. I bet when he came back for that rain check, it was hot, Like right later he is like, remember when I said no? Yeah. Change my mind. And you're like, okay, I'm in like. Like, let's go. And then we've also talked too, so many times on our episodes about how [00:07:00] sometimes you're not really into it, but you go for it because you don't wanna be the person that says no all the time.

And so you're like, okay, I'm gonna do this. I love that person. And and five, 10 minutes in you're like, I'm so glad I said yes.

Amber: Right. Your mind wasn't in it, but like your body is ready to say yes as soon as it starts to happen.

Coralie: Right? 

Vicki: often. Yeah, quite often. I also think it's really important for us as women, not to mistake nice as honest, we need to be able to have that on honest conversation. We're like. Amber's husband said, yeah, I am. Yeah. Not, yeah, this, I'm not down today. That's something that as women quite often we're saying, yeah, okay.

We'll make it happen. And yeah, sometimes our body plays catch up and we get there, but then sometimes it, we're just not having it. And we don't have to say yes because we were trying to save somebody else's feelings, but be honest and have a conversation. I love honesty.

Amber: Agree.

Coralie: It's like being, kind, you don't have to be nice, but you, [00:08:00] you should be kind, you know, and you can be honest with kindness.

Amber: So what about looking back at 2025 at some unexpected turn-ons that you had and maybe, bring this up with your partner if you have one, or get together with your girlfriends. Be like, what was good this year? Like how desire evolves. It's just so amazing and it's less about novelty and more really about the context and your curiosity. So what kind of turnons or unexpected things happen to you guys this year?

Vicki: Pass.

Amber: Yes.

Vicki: Uh, you know what, actually, I think that for me, I was in a partnered relationship and then I wasn't, and I think that for me, I just learned, first of all, it wasn't like a nasty breakup or anything like that. I learned so much about myself in that connection, and I [00:09:00] learned even more about myself moving forward, my needs, my wants, my desires, and I just think that I've really come into.

Who I want to be. At least I'm getting there. I don't know. We're hoping 2026. hoping

Coralie: for me, yeah, I had a few new thing, new experiences this year that I was like, oh, I like that. , Just things like a little hair pulling, a little kink praise, you know it Oh, it was just oh, 30 years and things still get new and exciting. Wow. Yeah. Pull my hair and call me a good girl at the same time. 

Vicki: I think that's really important. I love that. I love that For anybody who's had a revelation, and I think it's a true testament that in one relationship you've got so many different relationships, right? You've got all of these new sort of stimuli that you decide to test, drive and try on, and the more.

Solid. You are uncomfortable. You are with that person. And the more communication you have, the more you can have those conversations and grow. [00:10:00] Because can you imagine if we had sex the same way for an entire 30 year marriage? God, kill me, 

thats why I keep getting divorced. 

Amber: Oh my God. But I mean, you're not wrong, not about the divorce thing, but you're not wrong that things need to 

change up or like we all change as we age and things that maybe felt good or we thought were good in our twenties. Totally different forties and I'm sure fifties.

Coralie: there.

Amber: things, try new things,

Coralie: Yeah. There's so much changing like hormonally and as your body, you know how we say the more orgasms you have, the more orgasmic you becomes, your body's responding and becoming like more sexual, so

why not explore? And then also too, just. Statistically science says for women, novelty is very important, and if you're in the same relationship for a really long time and you do wanna stay, like have it be a monogamous relationship, you gotta find ways to switch it up to keep it good, you know?

Amber: Yeah. [00:11:00] And I mean, if you always have somebody who's constantly being the take charge person, switch roles like that can change the dynamics completely. And you never know what might happen and you're like, whoa, I really liked that. Or maybe you didn't. And now you know.

Vicki: I agree. I agree. I think I hear so often, women who take on a little bit more of a more dominant role or vice versa and. And they go, oh, I didn't know I had that in me. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's I, it's important to explore and that's who we are. We're human beings. Let's do it.

Coralie: Absolutely.

So let's talk about some things that we are leaving behind and things we're bringing into 2026. So we might have some old habits that we wanna get rid of when it comes to our bedroom time. Maybe inviting a little more healthier pleasure, reframing expectations of the bedroom, whether you're [00:12:00] single or with a partner.

Reframing your expectations with yourself. Let's talk about things that we can leave behind. Okay. And this is just an overall, I don't know if anyone else is feeling this way. This isn't, necessarily things that I am exp I've experienced in 2025, but just things over time, that letting these things go over time, we'll just slow.

I don't believe in quick, fast changes that make it, I think drop it little slow changes over the years. So if you don't know what to leave behind, here's some suggestions. Obligation, sex.

No obligation. Sex. You're not obligated to do anything. Two, pressure to perform. If you, you know, yes, like the moaning and the groaning and all that stuff is good, but if you're not an opera singer in the bedroom, you don't need to try to be one.

You know, it's not the voice.

Vicki: No. And I think too, when we feel so much pressure, we don't actually perform at our best.

Coralie: [00:13:00] Right. You're distracting. You're

distracting from the goal.

Right, 

Amber: Not just perform at our best, but we're not getting the damn orgasm either. 'cause we're just overthinking everything.

Vicki: Absolutely.

Coralie: Yeah. We're also done with comparing our current self and our current sex life with our past self with. Because comparison, I know people always say comparison is a thief of joy, but one thing I really believe is comparison is the thief of confidence.

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: It kills your confidence whether you're comparing yourself to someone else or a different version of you in the past, we're always learning, we're always growing, and if we're not growing, then we're dying. So.

Vicki: Especially when we're talking about sex, because we go through these, you know, dips and valleys and peaks, and it's just, it would be impossible to benchmark ourself against our former self. That's silliness.

Coralie: Yeah.

and I think one area that that might be really hard is if someone is going through perimenopause or menopause. And things have, we've talked about it before, how with the, [00:14:00] dryness and the atrophy that can happen. And in those situations it can be really hard, but you're like, freak, I miss having good sex without worrying about pain or anything like that.

And, I think it's really important to make sure that you are. Working with what you have doing the things that you can to improve it every day as you go into next year. Whether that is applying a vaginal moisturizer every day, getting dilators, like things that are going to help you get back to, maybe not to where you were, but a new normal where you can at least enjoy sex again, you know? and we're also done, apologizing for libido changes, you know, because it can be so hard, especially as we go through our cycle. I definitely used to, be like, oh, I'm so sorry. I need to get the magic gel because my body's hormonal.

I don't say, I'm so sorry anymore. He gets it. It's not you, it's me. I got things going like this, so I might want to, but my body is like, we are gonna pretend you are a young, young woman again where you need 45 minutes of stimulation. I'm like, no, I'm not

[00:15:00] apologizing for that. I'm gonna just get the magic gel.

We're gonna keep moving

Vicki: And I gotta tell ya, let's flip that script. Let's say it's him apologizing to us. That's a lady boner killer. If there's anything I hate more. It's in hearing. I'm sorry. In bad. I swear to God. No, thank you. So I think it's a buzz buzzkill. I think that, it. It creates judgment, even though we don't wanna judge, don't apologize.

Just be like, whoa, that that wasn't quite what I meant to do. Or, like I, oh, we're gonna try this today. Yeah, I think if we frame things affirmatively, it's just so much better. 

Coralie: Absolutely. So let's talk about what we're gonna bring in this year. We're gonna bring in more communication, our favorite C word, always more communication along with curiosity. That's another C word that we love. And my suggestion for that is if you hear about something and you have this visceral reaction, especially a judgment, your curious. [00:16:00] Explore it. Um, we're bringing in more rest because when you are more rested, it's helpful for your libido. And always humor because humor decompresses you. It helps you de-stress. So sometimes it's not appropriate to have an orgasm in public, but you can laugh. So there's two different things that can de-stress you. We are going to focus on quality, sex quality, whether it's with yourself or a partner. Quality is always gonna be better than quantity. Okay. Always, always, always. And remember that pleasure is part of your self-care. It's not productivity, even though sometimes, you know, we're, even though there could be a goal to like have so many orgasms a year as you might want to, but remember, it's still self-care.

It's not about checking things off a list, so you don't wanna

add stress to your life. 

Vicki: can I touch on curiosity?

Coralie: Absolutely

Vicki: So I have a client who will actually tell her partner that she learned on our podcast, or [00:17:00] she learned on, our VIP group. Something new. She didn't learn it from us. But she will say that she learned it from us, and that starts the conversation that she wants to have without, without fearing, fearing the judgment.

And I think that's a really brilliant way to use us, I think.

Amber: I.

Vicki: Yeah, like it just takes some of that ownership off of us as a human saying, Hey, so I heard about this thing on this podcast that I watch. What do you think about it? Like I just said, that's a great way to be curious and then also to kind of nudge your partner and figure out where they stand or what they might be interested in as well.

So I don't, I just thought that was a good, uh, a good way to be curious. I liked it

Coralie: Yeah. We will be your fall girls.

Vicki: all day long. All day long. Sometimes

Coralie: Yeah. 

Vicki: use you guys.

Coralie: totally, so is there anything you guys personally wanna leave in 2025 or bring into 2026?

Amber: [00:18:00] Hmm. 

Vicki: i'm gonna leave behind some self-limiting beliefs. I think that I spent, the greater portion, post-divorce, thinking that I didn't want a relationship and that I don't want to move forward. I just wanna be left alone. I don't know if I feel that way anymore.

So I think I'm gonna just let myself feel what I feel instead of dictating.

Amber: Interesting.

Vicki: Yeah, isn't it?

Amber: I'm gonna bring in quality.

Vicki: Mm.

Amber: yeah. We're having some more better quality sex. That's what happened in 2026.

Vicki: All right. Okay, friend. I'm gonna call him and let him know he is in for it.

Coralie: I'm actually bringing in, a better vibe, you know, like we just repainted our bedroom. It's dark, moody. I want it to be like hot, sexy, moody. Right? It's like a really

Vicki: It is,

Coralie: I just want it to scream. This is a good place to do it.

Vicki: So if [00:19:00] your December sex audit revealed some questionable patterns, congratulations. You are normal.

Amber: If it revealed growth, self-awareness, or at least better toy storage, that's a win too.

Coralie: So here's to boundaries, curiosity and naps as.

Foreplay,

make sure you go to our website, click on the freebies. We have a digital download so you can do your own sex audit, print it out, fill it out, and have it on one spot

thank you so much for joining us. this year, not safe for brunt. We wish you all the best in the new year and lots of good orgasms.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a seat at the Taboo Talk. Not Safe for Brunch Table. If today's chat made you laugh, think squirm, or all three. Do us a solid like follow and leave a review. It's basically the podcast world's version of a good tip. 

Vicki: Want more juicy, unfiltered conversations? Tap the link in the show notes and sign up for our weekly newsletter.

Your VIP pass to what didn't make it on the air. 

Coralie: Brunch isn't just about the bites and bubbles, it's about showing up real raw and ready to [00:20:00] talk about what really matters. So until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.