Episode: 54 - Hallmark Lies and Five-Minute Orgasms

The holidays are loud, exhausting, and wildly unsexy… or are they? In this episode of Not Safe for Brunch, we dive into real listener questions about holiday quickies, exhaustion, zero privacy, and why social media makes everyone feel broken. Spoiler: you’re not broken. You’re just tired.

We talk delegation, scheduling sex, five-minute escapes, realistic expectations, and how connection doesn’t disappear just because the house is full. If you’re surviving December and wondering where intimacy went, this episode is for you.

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Vicki: Today's theme straight from our inbox, holiday quickies, because apparently everyone's trying to figure out how to keep it spicy between the cranberry sauce, the kids in.

Coralie: Bless you all for your honesty. We ask for your real questions about holiday intimacy, and you guys delivered, some of you guys need a nap and some of you need a lock on your door.

Amber: So grab your eggnog. Let's get into your holiday confessions and connection questions.

Coralie: Welcome to Taboo Talks, not Safe for brunch where nothing is off the table. We're diving into real conversations about sex, relationships, and self-discovery with zero shame and a whole lot of sass. 

I'm Coralie tuning in from Vancouver. 

My superpower is going deep down rabbit holes and getting 

to the real root of things. 

Amber: And I'm Amber. I'm based in Ontario. And proudly blunt, I cut through the fluff and 

[00:01:00] get straight to what matters.

Vicki: I'm Vicki and I'm from Manitoba. And my magic is creating real connection because intimacy starts with trust. 

Coralie: Grab your mimosa, your matcha, or whatever turns you on, and let's dive in.

Amber: All right. Our first listener question, , they say, every December I turn into the holiday, CEOI plan, host, wrap, bake, and by the time I sit down, my partner's like, babe, are you okay? I love him, but I'm too tired to be flirty. How do I fix this?

Vicki: Uh, fire yourself. You are no longer the CEO of Christmas. Stop that. I just think that we need to give ourselves some grace. Absolutely not start d for delegate. Get it out there.

Amber: Yeah, I fully agree. Like delegate, seriously. You don't need to do all the things either. Nice. Not necessary.

Coralie: Yeah.

Amber: motto, nice, not necessary. Yep.[00:02:00] 

Coralie: Totally. I am also just big on delegating. And you know what, if you're trying to delegate and people aren't picking up what you're trying to delegate, then that doesn't happen. And sometimes you don't even need to delegate. Like I stopped. Sending out 200 Christmas cards. I don't have time.

I don't have money. I dunno if there's even gonna be a post. This could be on strike, you know? Um, but no one else wants to write Christmas cards, so do the things that fill your cup

and if it's something that fills someone else's cup, they can, you can delegate.

Vicki: I agree. And you know, done is better than perfect. So if it's something like, you know the stuffing and you insist you have it, let's not worry so much about it being the perfect great grandma's recipe. And just get the box, man. Just get the box.

Coralie: Yeah, totally.

Okay, so let's say, so you fired yourself. You are no longer the holiday, CEO, but you're still like way too tired for all the pizazz. So that's gonna bring us to the next question, which she says, I love the holidays, but I feel so [00:03:00] overscheduled. By the time the day ends, I'm more likely to fall asleep than to get all cozy.

Is that normal?

Amber: Yeah. Well, and I mean, get all cozy. I'm thinking like cozy as I'm like, I'm cozy now. I'm out. I'm falling asleep. But if you wanna get, a little cozy with your partner, then maybe you need to shorten your day.

Vicki: Yeah. 

Amber: Don't say yes to all the things. Don't over schedule yourself. It's okay to say no to events that maybe aren't giving you that much joy.

Vicki: Absolutely. I think that we over event ourself over the holidays, I think that we look at that and we wanna, we're not doing that for us.

Amber: No. No.

Vicki: We're, we're doing it for them. We're doing it for somebody else, for the family, for the friend, for the whomever. Put yourself first. I think that's hugely important and I think, you know, the problem isn't necessarily you, it's the perfection [00:04:00] trap.

We get into this, everything has to be Hallmark. Perfect. And I'm sorry. It's just not the way it is, and you're not gonna feel sexy when you are being pulled in every direction and everything feels like, it's your responsibility. And God, help me if I find another 40-year-old woman wrapping gifts on the floor.

I'm just saying no. Go to the dollar store. Get yourself some boxes. Everybody gets a box of the lid. No more wrapping. Screw it.

Coralie: Oh, you're a Scrooge.

Vicki: Listen, the path of least resistance, you guys. I am not stressed at Christmas. I am, you know, I'm partaking from the bar.

Coralie: Yeah. I love wrapping though. I also wanna say too. As someone who has been married since the last century, and as someone who has talked to tons of people in the same situation. Most of the couples, long-term couples that I talk about with satisfying sex lives are not doing it at night all the time.

In fact, that's probably the least common time they do it because they've realized the pattern that [00:05:00] when they wait till night, they're freaking tired,

you know? So the couples that I think have the more. Satisfying sex lives, especially as it gets busy like this. They're morning, their afternoon delight, their, you know, whatever.

Or like, okay, as soon as we get home from work, we're gonna go have a shower, and then you're gonna come out and cook dinner and do all that stuff for the kid. You know what I mean? So stop thinking about sex as that nighttime act. You're tired. You're tired.

Amber: I mean this listener says they overschedule themselves. Why aren't you scheduling sex?

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: Ah,

Amber: Put it in. Yeah.

Coralie: So, yeah. You know, when you have all this stuff of Christmas going on, you're more tired, so your libido's lower. So there's nothing wrong with you listener. There's nothing wrong with you. Just try and get it earlier in the day, okay? If you really want it, make sure you're connecting That connection is so important.

And remember that sleep is romantic too. Okay? You can be the little spoon. It's all cute.

Vicki: Alright. Our next listener question is, uh, hell, my inlaws are here. The kids are everywhere [00:06:00] and our bedroom is a shared hallway. How do you even keep the spark alive when your host is so full of people? Mm. Mm-hmm.

Amber: I am going for a drive. Especially if you can't be quiet. It is really hard to be quiet and, I mean, no one's getting on the floor nowadays to not make the bed squeak. So I'm getting in the car and we're going somewhere. I don't care. Rent a room for the night,

Vicki: You know, home, they'll find someplace else to stay next.

Amber: done.

Coralie: I just am noticing a pattern. You are both, you both have an aversion to getting on the floor, and I just wanna say that I have read some information that says like, as we get older, it's important to get up off the floor every day to maintain your agility so you don't have a, I've fallen and I can't get up moment.

Vicki: Got it. We'll schedule that in.

Coralie: Yeah, add that to the calendar.[00:07:00] 

Oh my God. But I also think really that all those fun little moments like that adds tension. You know, we talked about it before, how it can kind of bring that oh, we don't want mom and dad to hear us, which almost makes it like more exciting and enticing and sometimes it's a little kinky to have your mouth covered.

It's okay.

Amber: Add a little ball gag to the stocking.

Coralie: Oh.

Vicki: Ooh. Well, Amber. I think it's all the little moments too. I think that, again, if you're in a partnered relationship and you're brushing past each other, you're in the kitchen together, you touch your hands, whatever that looks like, all of that is it's like a coupon for later, you know what I mean? It's like a 

Amber: Well, yeah, you could start the foreplay in front of everybody without them knowing.

Vicki: Nobody has any idea and you know, send him a quick text, 

Amber: So even if you can't sneak away, you can still sneak into connection. Which brings us to the next question, which is I keep [00:08:00] seeing posts about people having magical romantic holidays. Meanwhile, I'm just surviving. Are we broken?

Are. 

Vicki: no their full of.

Amber: I

full of shit. 

Vicki: Full of shit. I mean, come on. Somebody once told me that, social media is a highlight reel. Sure is. Sure is. Just remember that. So real relationships are, working together, figuring it out, laughing yourself until you cry together. It's that kind of stuff.

That's the connective shit. I'm just, I'm so over what people see on social media and they assume that people are living these perfect lives and it's just.

Amber: Well, and I, you're not wrong because I mean, I'm not posting

when the dog throws up in my bed in the middle of the night, I'm posting, we did a magical thing and we went to this Christmas lights thing, and that's what I'm posting. And we

had an amazing time and we're all cutesy.

I'm not posting that we had to get up and change our bedding at two in the morning [00:09:00] because

Vicki: Right. I mean that's, that's a prime example. That's a prime example. So when you see us all gathered around the table enjoying this lovely meal that I almost killed somebody over half an hour ago.

Amber: Right. 

Vicki: Yeah. 

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: that drunk person's just gonna get a little too wild

Vicki: Yeah.

Amber: in a minute. Yeah.

Coralie: totally. Or the person, you know, you got everyone lined up for the photos and the person that's a photographer, probably the mother is like, no, sit there, no. Stop yelling at everyone. Like, okay, say Chase.

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: You know, like, yeah, exactly. That's one of the, that's one of the really crappy things about social media is because people do do that, they post the highlight reels.

And I think too, sometimes, we don't, we try and be real, right? I think that's really important for a lot of people, especially if you have your business online, you wanna create some real moments too. But, , not that they're not all real moments, but some more things that you maybe necessarily wouldn't share so that other people see, Hey, other.

They go through that too. Okay. It's not just me, [00:10:00] but there's still things that we never share, and we don't have to. And I think that, something I've learned in my life, whether social media or not, is that the more you place other people on a pedestal, the more you're gonna realize they're just as fucked as you.

Like, yeah. You get to know someone enough and around them enough and you see their flaws and you see their relationship flaws. 'cause no human is perfect. No relationship is perfect. So it, it's not, it's normal. You're fine. 

Amber: You're not broken. You're not broken. And honestly, I feel like a lot of us feel like we're just surviving.

So as long as you can get in some intimate moments with your partner and you're happy, keep

Vicki: Or by or by yourself? 

Amber: Yeah, absolutely.

Vicki: Yeah, 

Coralie: coming. So should you,

okay, so this one here made us laugh because it is the most honest question we've got all season. And she says, [00:11:00] okay, if you do manage to sneak away for five minutes, how do you make it count without making it feel rushed or awkward?

Amber: if you have five minutes, it's rushed, but that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that.

Coralie: Yeah, totally. 

Amber: It. 

Coralie: it's, it's awkward if you get there and you're just staring at each other like, okay, well we, the countdown, you know, you just get in there and you just get to it. Like you don't leave time for awkwardness.

Amber: right. Bring the lube.

It'll go much smoother. 

Coralie: Getting get off, get out. It's 

Vicki: getting Get off, get out, and that enhancement, that enhancement serum is gonna be your best friend.

Coralie: Yes.

Amber: Yeah, and you know, you can get small bottles. Just stick 'em in your purse, stick 'em in your bag like you're good to go. Or if you're at home, just leave them in the bathroom or in your bedroom, wherever you're gonna be sneaking off to the closet, whatever. Make

sure they're there. 

Vicki: That's a

good point. 

Coralie: Yeah. 

Vicki: And again, remember that if you're not laughing and you're not having fun with it, it's gonna feel like it's a chore or like, you know, like, you're solving a [00:12:00] problem, you're not solving a problem, you're probably alleviating a little stress, and it's just about being present and connected so you perform, I think you're performing under pressure a little bit. It is what it is. That's, that's kind of part of the fun. I don't know. 

Coralie: And just remember if you're ever busted, there's a couple different situations. You know, doing it when you have family in town or you know, rush being quick. And if you're like ever busted and you're worried about, remember there's a hit song written about that same scenario, you could be the next hit song.

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. They're like, oh, let's turn this into a jam. Okay.

Vicki: So yeah. Holiday intimacy. It's not about quantity, it's about quality, creativity. Remembering why you're doing all of this in the first place. 'cause you're together and you wanna be connected.

Amber: the holidays can make you forget you actually like each other. But every little moment you steal back reminds you why you work.

Vicki: And it's not about the big [00:13:00] gestures. It's about surviving the season together with some humor, some grace with one another, and maybe a secret smile across the room.

Coralie: So lower the bar, raise the affection. And remember, connection doesn't need a schedule, it just needs a spark.

Vicki: And if you do manage to sneak a quickie in, please let a candle for the rest of us.

Amber: That's it for this week on Not Safe for Brunch. Keep those questions coming. I can't wait to do another q and a and have a Happy New Year.

Thanks for pulling up a seat at the Taboo Talk. Not Safe for Brunch Table. If today's chat made you laugh, think squirm, or all three. Do us a solid like follow and leave a review. It's basically the podcast world's version of a good tip.

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Coralie: Brunch isn't just about the bites and bubbles, it's about showing up real raw and ready to talk about what really matters. So [00:14:00] until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.