Episode: 56 - Stop Treating Anal Like a Stunt and Start Treating It Like a Skill

Most people treat anal like a bucket-list stunt.
Try it once, decide forever, never revisit it.

That’s the problem.

In this episode of Taboo Talk: Not Safe for Brunch, we break down why anal play isn’t about bravery or pressure, it’s about skill, anatomy, communication, and going slow enough for your body to actually enjoy it.

We cover:
 • Why your first attempt doesn’t mean anything
 • How different bodies experience anal stimulation
 • What actually makes it pleasurable (and what makes it painful)
 • Beginner to advanced toy progression
 • Pegging, prostate play, and safety that actually matters

No fear tactics. No shame. No nonsense.

🎧 Let’s make anal make sense.

Transcript

Vicki: [00:00:00] Okay, so most people treat anal like it's a bucket list stunt. All right? Something that you attempt one time, you review it, and then you decide if you're gonna revisit it again. But anal play becomes better, easier, and way more pleasurable when it's treated as something that you slowly integrate into your repertoire over time. 

Coralie: This is taboo talk. Not safe for brunch. I'm Coralie from Vancouver and I love digging deep and asking the questions. No one will. 

Amber: I'm Amber from Ontario. I'm blunt. Cut through the fluff and get straight to the point. 

Vicki: And I'm Vicki from Manitoba. I'm all about real connection because intimacy starts with TRUST.

Let's get into it.

So it's not a dare, it's a skill, your body kind of learns over time, like yoga or skydiving. I dunno. It seems pretty extreme, but it can feel like it's an extreme action that we've decided to dive [00:01:00] into, right? The first time does not equal the final verdict because we all know that when we've done something once, whether it's inside the bedroom or outside the bedroom, we're never really good at it the first time.

It's one of those that you really want to lean into. Keep trying get a little bit further each time so that you can feel better about what you're experiencing.

Coralie: Well, I think you have a good point that, the first time we have sex, the first time we. You know, give a blow, drop, whatever it is

the first time we kiss.

It's not good. I mean, it might, you might feel like it's good at the time, maybe if it's your first kiss or whatever, maybe,

but everything takes time, practice, and experience.

And know if you're like, oh my God, that hurts. Well, you're freaking doing it wrong. Like

Vicki: Right. Or you 

Coralie: you're not working on the skill.

You're working on the dare.

Vicki: That's right. Yeah. Or , you haven't figured out the right. , Amount of [00:02:00] lubricant, you haven't found the right lubricant period. You haven't had enough relaxation. There hasn't been enough foreplay. So it's not a deal breaker. It just means this is how far we got today, and now we need to build on that, right?

Nerves tension, overthinking, all of this affects our pleasure. So it's just really important to sort of check yourself, where am I? Where are they? Is this the trusted partner that I need to be testing this out with? It all counts, right? And the more familiar that your body becomes, the more relaxed and the more responsive you become as well.

So when you know what to expect, now it's not new. Now it's something that you're like, this is gonna happen and I'm gonna feel this pressure and then I'm gonna move forward. Right? So you just take it just an nth degree further. So

Amber: Well, exactly, you don't wanna go into it when you're drunk and it's just like your partner goes, you wanna try this?

And you're feeling like, 

yeah, let's do it. You know, you definitely don't wanna jump into it like that.

Um, 

Vicki: You want to be cognizant. You want to know what you're doing. [00:03:00] You want to be within your realm, inside your sphere, and very aware. You do not wanna do anal, you don't wanna even be testing the waters.

For, especially first out of of the gates when you are under the influence of anything.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: anal can be introduced in tiny, everyday sort of intimate moments, right? So during a little back or. Bum massage. That's kind of nice,

nothing better than a little bum massage. I love that. In the shower, when your muscles are naturally relaxed, so that's a good time just for a little, touching and caressing and kind of figuring things out. What feels good, what doesn't, how does your body respond to that touch, while you're.

Cuddling or you're casually touching. And of course, morning after intimacy when our bodies are softer and more open, that's also a really good time to just sort of figure it out,

Coralie: I was just thinking about our shower episode and how we were all like, that sounds like a 9 1 1 call.

Vicki: right?

Coralie: So

just gentle massage in the.[00:04:00] 

Vicki: Right? Yeah. In the shower, I am absolutely not suggesting anything about penetration or using toys in there. I'm literally saying, if you're washing your partner's backside, maybe see what the temperature is when you get a little closer to the middle. Right? Maybe just a little digital pressure on the porch, right?

We've talked about this before. You don't have to go in the back door to have a good time. The porch has lots of nerve endings. It's fun there. Just give yourself some time to lean into it. And I think that that's a great place and it's clean and we know how we feel about cleanliness. So, 

Coralie: That is the hangup for most people is like, I poop there and da. Yeah. So.

Vicki: Right. Yeah. Like just take care of it. Right. Um, and I think too, another thing to mention, and I'm sure we're gonna talk a little bit more about it, poop happens guys, if you are going to be engaging this kind of play, something like that is gonna show up in some way, shape, or form at some point. And you've gotta be not skittish about that.

And if you're gonna be, [00:05:00] you should probably not be partaking in any kind of anal play 'cause you're gonna hurt somebody's feelings.

Coralie: And also just remember when you go slow and exit. All the doors close. It's when you remove quickly that it brings the friends with it.

Vicki: That's right.

Coralie: So there's another reason to go slow.

Vicki: Slow it.

Amber: Slow and steady.

Coralie: Yes.

Vicki: So normalize the conversation is also something we wanna talk about. You know, that pressure, that felt really good. Do you wanna try a little more next time? Are you comfortable doing that? Figuring out what your partner feels good doing and what your other partner feels good receiving.

Also asking questions. When you're in it, the communication portion is so important. Do you like it when I touch you here? Do you like it when I touch you this way? All those little check-ins, they just keep it casual, comfortable, but also connected, which I think is incredibly important. Just a little tid here.

I went to a ARI workshop, that's the rope work. And [00:06:00] I will tell you that while the entire thing was quite sexy and very interesting to watch. The most important piece that I took out of that was that while this woman was, elevated and tied, all she did, there was no real conversation or talking, but one tiny little touch on the other person's leg.

Next thing they were literally face to face, having a really good conversation. It was extremely quiet. We could not hear what they were saying. However. Immediately. Something was readjusted, something was moved, she was brought down a little bit and everyone was happy that that part, that made me hot.

That communication piece, I know we said it, it's a C word again, always a C

Coralie: love the C word, 

Vicki: I do, it's my favorite word. So those kinds of check-ins that keep it comfortable. Feeling safe, feeling like you're seen and you're heard. Those are really, really incredibly important and I just, I cannot stress that [00:07:00] enough.

So

Comfort over curiosity always. So you wanna make sure that you're treating, anal play like a normal part of exploring each other's body. Everyone just sort of relaxes and just gets into the mood of it.

Relaxation does equal pleasure that we know to be true. The more relaxed we are, the better things feel. And tension does nothing for us. Nothing. It's just like being in a car accident. If you see it coming and you tense up, you're the one getting hurt more the worst,

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: right?

Coralie: Yes.

Vicki: so once you stop treating anal like a once a year event and more like a gentle ongoing exploration, the next step is understanding how different bodies actually experience anal play and anal stimulation.

Coralie: we wanna remember that anal sensations aren't like a one size fits all. The experience changes depending on anatomy, muscle structure, nerve density, and even the way your pelvic floor reacts to pressure. So. When people understand what they're supposed to be feeling, the whole experience makes more sense.

So let's go into it. First, we're gonna talk about people [00:08:00] with prostates. So as we know, we've talked about this before, it sits about two to three inches inside on the front wall of the body. So basically, if someone was lying on their back, you would poke up, towards a belly button. So pressure here can create a really intense, surge like sensation that feels completely different from penile or external stimulation. , And I think too sometimes. Because it's different. I don't know.

I just think different creates so much more excitement. Like especially if you are our age and you're experiencing something completely new, that's freaking amazing. So even just a little bit of pressure, it does not have to be a lot. Like Vicki said, you can just hang out at the porch first before you go in to ring the doorbell of the prostate. But just gentle, gentle pressure can send a wave of warmth or heaviness, pulsing through the body. So curved toys, angled fingers, prostate, massagers work best [00:09:00] because they naturally reach the gland. What I imagine that's like for the prostate is when a woman's G-spot is stimulated for the first time because. When it's stimulated for the first time. For most people, from what I've talked to and we've been doing this for a long time, it's not like it's touched. And they're like, oh, like the clitoris, right? It's like, oh, that's weird. That's different. It feels good, but almost in a weird way. Sort of like a funny bone, but not a funny bone, you know, just that odd sensation.

But as you are gentle and you stimulate, you train your body. So the, I imagine the prostate sensation is the same way because many people describe it. Like full body warm internal orgasm and like the release that starts behind the belly button, which is very similar to how G-spot orgasms are described.

Vicki: Right.

Coralie: Yeah, so if you don't have a prostate. The sensation is gonna come from the nerve endings around and inside the anus, which is especially why, you know, that front porch hangout, you know, put a little welcome sign there. Maybe not a welcome sign, [00:10:00] but that little front porch hangout is good because there's so many nerve endings right around that point. And the sensation comes from the fullness and the pressure and from your pelvic floor releasing and relaxing. And if there's one thing I have really learned in the last, I mean there's many things, but this one was a big one. Is that, most women in my experience of conversations have more problems relaxing their pelvic floor

than tightening it.

Right. Which is so funny 'cause everyone walks around. Not everyone like, oh my vagina so tight. Fucking relax it. Okay.

Vicki: Isn't that crazy? There's no happy medium, right? We're telling people who are feeling like it's too relaxed, they need to be doing the Kegels, and then the next thing, it's like, we've gotta relax this area. There's so much information that's just contradictory how do you know what you need to be doing, 

Coralie: I know. I, I tell you. Get the perifit. Get the perifit

care. That thing has taught me so much about my own body. So what this means with that fullness, it's gonna amplify the [00:11:00] vaginal clitoral stimulation because the rectum in the vagina share a thin wall.

That's why a lot of people, a lot of people who don't have prostates say that they have really intense orgasms when there's just, you know, little play at the outside door there, or even during anal play if their clitoris is stimulated at the same time, in fact, more women have told me that they've had orgasms from backdoor play. Than the G spots. So because of that, you know the fullness and the thin wall, the vibrations are gonna feel stronger, the orgasms feel deeper, and everything tightens in a very satisfying way. So many people describe it as a warm tightening, feeling pressure that's gets better the more relaxed you get, and a deep, slow building pressure.

And I will say that about. Any orgasm, whether it's anal, however it is, we do sort of tense up as we approach it, but you, if you can get relaxed through that orgasm, if you can get your body to relax during the orgasm, it is going to be a better orgasm. It's going to be [00:12:00] a longer one, much longer.

So the pelvic floor. Is the real MVP, because when the pelvic floor relaxes, the sensations skyrocket. When it tenses, everything is more uncomfortable. So breathing, relaxing, and receiving is the magic formula. Why do different bodies react differently to different pressure? It's because people with prostates respond to targeted pressure, and people without prostates respond to broad pressure and paired stimulation.

So outside and at the back door too. , So combining the anal with clitoral or vaginal play is gonna be really, really pleasurable. It's gonna be what you want. If you are going to play with the back door and there's nothing happening front, I promise you, you might be like, eh, I'm good. Add the front in. Add the front in.

Vicki: Agreed. There's a reason why the shocker is a thing, guys.

Coralie: Yes. And just to be clear, we always [00:13:00] mean you need to have consent. There's a conversation first, right? Like no matter anything we're talking about, we don't wanna specifically say, but ask your partner. We, this is just an overall blanket statement that should always happen.

So now that we know how the body reacts and why it can feel so intense for different people, let's get into the practical part. Toys, techniques, pegging. Did you guys know there's a national pegging day? It's June 24th.

Amber: There's a national day for everything.

Coralie: right? And people are like, Valentine's Day, pegging day.

Vicki: I love that.

Coralie: Anyways, let's get into it.

Amber: People always ask where do I start? And the real answer is not where the internet wants to take you. Yeah. Except for us reliable sources. So the starter level, let's talk starter level. Okay. External toys, rimming toys or bullets placed around the anus. Now I will preface this.

You, 

Vicki: please.

Amber: you want a flange or [00:14:00] something in case just in case you get overexcited and it goes, you don't wanna lose that. All right? So don't just use your regular vaginal bullet, please. Okay.

Vicki: No. Why is that Amber? Because the vagina's cul-de-sac 

Amber: the 

Vicki: backside.

Coralie: Is a highway to the hospital.

Vicki: Yeah, that's what it is.

Coralie: You know what, I was actually thinking about this the other day. Because I made a TikTok about people sticking things up their butts. Right. And that, and in my TikTok, I talked about it being a man. And so after I made it, I was like, why is it always a man? Why is it always a man?

And we have our theories, right? But I think I figured it out,

you know, because we're like, oh, men are weird. Men just like to stick things under the butt. No, I think it's because they don't have a vagina. So they don't get the lesson about the cul-de-sac versus the highway. Right? Like I think it's easier for women to understand because we know. That unless you have an open cerv, like even if you had an open cervix, it would just go into your womb, whereas they don't have

Vicki: Yep.[00:15:00] 

Coralie: a hole with a stopper on it on their body.

So I wonder if that's some of the reason. Right.

Vicki: All the years that I worked in the operating room, we never had a female come in with something foreign in her backside. Never. Not one time. So not to say that it has not occurred, just never on my watch. I'm just saying I've never seen it.

Coralie: I'll say anytime I've spoken

Vicki: I'm sure it's happened, 

Coralie: In my experience in talking to women, I have talked to a couple women who have had an incident, but the difference is, is it's a toy. It's not, you know, a rocket ship decoration or a light bulb. And secondly, if it happens, it's a man was holding it

Amber: See.

Coralie: or a man was in charge.

Amber: Well, and this is why I prefaced use the pre, even if you're just experimenting around the rim,

like you wanna use the proper toy in case it's gonna go

in, right? Yeah. 

Vicki: Very, very sage [00:16:00] advice Amber.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: Fingers are a great way to start just saying,

You know, little 

Coralie: attached to them.

Amber: Yeah, there's a flange automatically. They're less intimidating. , They're slim, right? You could use a beginner plug that has the flare base to it. There are anal training kits also for progressive sizing.

Coralie: Yeah, and the anal beads too, because if you get beads, you don't have to stick the whole strand in. You know, usually at the end by the flange is a big bead, and then it gets smaller. Right.

Amber: Yeah,

Coralie: the tip. Just the tip.

Amber: do this. The tip.

. Now if you're ready to elevate, you know, you've tried the finger, you've tried the external stimulation, and you're getting into that more intermediate stage, vibrating plugs, relax the muscles, and then it increase that sensation with these vibrating plugs, and they just sit in there. All right. Dual stimulation [00:17:00] toys, anal plus perineum. So you've got that anal stimulation, but you've got just an external part that's gonna stimulate the perineum or anal vaginal. If you're a female, you could have both that are stimulating anal, vaginal. And then prostate massagers for those with prostates. So these can also be anal perineum as

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: Now you're ready to advance. You feel like you're an expert. Of course, you're taking time with these, you're, using them a few times before you're ready to move on. And you're more comfortable with them. Think thicker or long wear plugs.

So some that you're gonna wear a little bit longer time. Anal beads. So I know Coralie mentioned anal beads. These here. When you insert them and they're inserted, let's say you have 4, 5, 6, whatever, size anal beads that you have. When you pull these out slowly during climax, it really does intensify your orgasm because you're contracting during a climax.

So when you're pull out one, pull it out, one, pull it out, [00:18:00] one, you're actually like increasing that sensation.

Coralie: And, and remember slow because you don't wanna drop the kids off. Slow. I mean, if you take a shit, you're dropping kids off at the pool,

Vicki: Oh, I.

Coralie: I guess you're dropping kids off on the bed, like, go slow. I know she said slow, but I feel like this needs to be

emphasized. 

Amber: When you are in that advanced stage, you can then start to even experiment with strap on play, pegging, getting those angles. Huge caveat on communication with this one. You wanna definitely have that communication. You wanna have safe words. You, wanna be warmed up where you're not just like, put it in there.

Do you know what I'm

saying?

Coralie: Mm-hmm. 

Vicki: That's a surefire way to never get a second shot at it. But I mean, we are at the advanced level at this point we're talking about, but yeah.

Coralie: I just wanted to add that. [00:19:00] To your point about, extended wear, wearing them for longer, if you have a prostate, the, Aneros prostate massagers,

There's been a few people I've heard from who have worn them all day.

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Amber: Yeah.

Coralie: one guy said he wore on his flight.

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: Orgasmed the whole flight.

Now, I'm not saying that's cool, like I think as long as no one knows, don't sexually assault someone by having an orgasm beside them. It's a personal thing.

I'm just telling 

Amber: I mean, I think it's 

great. I mean, that would make the flight so much more entertaining.

Coralie: Well, wood, I just wanna put the caveat there that you have to be cool. You have to be cool, 

Vicki: I don't wanna sit next to him. That's all I'm saying. I don't wanna sit next to that guy. I, if, if I am, I do not wanna 

Coralie: That's right. That's it. I I don't care if I'm sitting beside him, but I don't wanna know. Right.

Amber: People there. I

mean, 

Coralie: I'm telling you, if I could stick something up my butt, an orgasm for 10 hours, I would do it. [00:20:00] I'm not 

Amber: but if you're not the quiet orgasm type, like you shouldn't do this. So how do you know though that it's time to level up? You wanna make sure that insertion feels smooth. With minimal resistance, your body stays relaxed. There's no pain, only pressure 'cause you will feel some

pressure and you're curious for more. You can comfortably hold a toy for several minutes. That is when you know you're probably ready to move on to the next level.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: And just some safety reminders. Always use flared bases. I know we mentioned it already, but I can't mention it enough. You don't want that emerge visit. Body safe materials only lube like your life depends on it. lube. Lube. Lube, lube. lube. It's

Vicki: It does. It does.

Amber: Yeah.

Coralie: I mean, your colon does for sure.

Vicki: Absolutely.

Amber: And clean properly. Clean your toys properly, [00:21:00] clean your fingers properly, whatever. Make sure that your cleanliness is like top tier.

Coralie: Yeah.

I know we've said it before and it probably doesn't need to be said, but front door, back door toys aren't the same, you know, so if you have a front door toy. And you wanna put it at your back door, put a condom on it. Even if it's poreless material. I don't know. I just think that's just, that's just risky, you know? And the other thing I wanna say is if you're new, to exploring anal with a partner, doggy style is the sacrificial position.

You're not sacrificing your butt. Get out of that. Get off all fours.

Get on your back. Get on your side. Get off all fours.

Amber: Absolutely.

Coralie: advanced and you know you can trust that person and you know, they respect your butthole as if it was their own.

Vicki: That's right. Those are 

Amber: Amen. 

Vicki: great pieces of advice. Cor.

Amber: So we've gone from mindset to anatomy to toys. Let's wrap this [00:22:00] up with some not safer brunch wisdom. Anal play isn't about pressure or performance, it's about curiosity, communication, and going at your own pace.

Vicki: Absolutely. And there's a whole world between zero and full penetration. All right? So external play is valid. It's fun, and honestly, I think it's underrated.

Coralie: Explore slowly. Use the right tools and talk to each other. Don't rush it. Don't rush the back door.

Respect the process.

Amber: So for product recommendations, tips, and more episodes, check our site at not safe for brunch.com.

Coralie: We'll see you next Tuesday.

Amber: Thanks for pulling up a seat at the Taboo Talk Not Safe for Brunch table. If today's episode made you laugh, think or squirm a little, do us a solid follow rate and leave a review. It's the podcast version of a good tip. 

Vicki: While we're unfiltered conversations, hit the link in the show note, can sign up for our weekly newsletter.

It's the stuff that [00:23:00] didn't make it on the air. 

Coralie: Until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.