Episode: 63 - Pleasure Should Be Chosen, Not Expected

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There are a lot of unofficial holidays out there. Some are harmless. Some are funny. And then there’s Steak and BJ Day.

Is it playful? Is it sexist? Is it just a joke? Or does it quietly reinforce one-sided expectations about sex and pleasure?

In this episode, we unpack where this “holiday” came from, why it makes some people uncomfortable, and what it reveals about communication, consent, fantasy vs reality, and performative intimacy.

Because desire doesn’t magically switch on when the calendar says so.

And pleasure works best when it’s chosen, not expected.

Transcript

Amber: [00:00:00] There are a lot of unofficial holidays out there. Some of them are harmless, some are just plain funny. And then there are those ones that make you stop and think, how did this become a thing and who is it for? Actually, steak and BJ Day is one of those, because depending on who you ask, it's either a playful joke between consenting adults or a perfect example of how low key sexism gets dressed up as tradition. And what's interesting isn't whether people participate., It's why the idea exists at all. And why it still makes some people uncomfortable.

 [00:01:00] 

Coralie: Since we're talking about steak and BJ day, we'll, I'll just say it up upfront. I don't find it edgy. I don't find it playful. I find it sexist, exactly like you said. And not in this dramatic, let's cancel everybody. Let's cancel everything way. Just like how did this become normal?

Like I think it started with a radio joke, you know? 'cause a man was upset that he had to celebrate Valentine's Day,

Vicki: Absolutely.

Coralie: Of course it starts with a man. But I think that, when people will say, oh, it's just a joke. It's just a joke. Jokes reflect cultural, cultural values.

Like if you even look at old, Saturday Night Live episodes from the eighties and nineties, those jokes would not fly two days. They wouldn't fly today. I don't think they're harmless. I think if they were truly harmless, it wouldn't rely on expectations based on your gender. And it wouldn't assume who gives and who receives.

Maybe it's stake in kind of Lingus day.[00:02:00] 

Vicki: Maybe it's at stake in a mutual oral day.

Coralie: Yeah. Calamari.

Amber: Why is Valentine's Day like they're assuming it's all about the woman

Coralie: Right,

Amber: and then they're retaliating, okay, well I want a day too.

No, it should be mutual both ways,

Coralie: Mm-hmm. I mean, I think he's getting off on Valentine's Day,

Amber: Right.

Vicki: maybe. 

Coralie: if she's getting off, he probably is too. Doesn't usually go that with the, you know.

Amber: Exactly. So it should be both. It

should be Steak and Oral Day. 

Coralie: Steak and oral 

Vicki: Oral. That's, 

Coralie: rebrand. Let's rebrand it.

Vicki: uh.

Coralie: yeah, I mean, and also too, the gratitude is just implied, oh, they're gonna be so grateful. And you're expected to be like super enthusiastic, like you've been waiting for this day all year. You're like, oh my God, March 14th. It's like [00:03:00] 

Vicki: Like you aren't asked every other day.

Coralie: Right. Like it's like Christmas. It's the Christmas of the sex. Yeah.

And there's no version of this day, like we were saying, where women are surprised by effort. That's why we need Cal Murray and Kaus, or just steak and oral.

Vicki: I don't 

Coralie: allergic to

Vicki: of that. I'm gonna pass.

Coralie: c.

Vicki: Now you have me. It just took a moment. It just took a moment for you to get me there. But thanks, Kore.

Coralie: Uh, cocktails in kinda Lingus. I mean, there's so many better options.

Vicki: This is a great spot for our CRE Lubricant

advertisement. Just saying,

Coralie: let's talk about it in relation to sexism because I think there is this idea that if it's not violent, it's not sexist, and a lot of sexism happens. In that casual way, in that joking [00:04:00] way and is very socially accepted. That's why when, if you have a group of 10 men, one of 'em makes a sexist joke.

The nine other guys might be thinking, wow, that's awful. But they're just gonna slightly chuckle, like no one's gonna call 'em out. Right? And it just perpetuates that sexism. It's not, steak and blow job day isn't sexist in that. It's aggressive, it's sexist. Is that in that it's just assumed and,

I think we're done with sexism. We're done with misery. We're done with misogyny. We're done with all of it. We're done.

Vicki: And just the expectation itself, like you said, I think that if a couple were to decide yeah, we're gonna have fun with this holiday,

then great. Do the

things, make it fun, do

whatever. No one else cares what's happening in your bedroom or elsewhere. But I think that. For someone to assume, just, and we talked about this with Valentine's Day as well, for someone to assume that, the flowers, the roses of chocolates, that all of these things were gonna come and happen and dah, dah, dah. None of it's assumed,

none of it should be [00:05:00] really Right.

Feed each other every day, period. End of story.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. Feed each other every day. I love that. That's awesome. So when people say, if you don't like it, just don't do it. They're kind of missing the point. The issue isn't whether anyone participates. It's why this idea exists in the first place and why the expectations can be really one sided.

And it becomes really obvious when you compare the fantasy of this day to the reality of adult relationships, because that's what stake and BJ day promises and what actually happens in real life isn't the same thing

Vicki: Yeah.

We've talked a lot about fantasy versus reality on this podcast.

Coralie: Yeah, I feel like Steak BJ Day is like a Jud Aow movie. You know,

Amber: So in theory, steak and BJ Day is supposed to be fun. It's framed as indulgent and playful, maybe even a little luxurious. I mean, steak is expensive now, and BJ's, depending on your relationship, they come far few between.[00:06:00] 

Coralie: I think there's been inflation in BJ's two.

Amber: But the version people imagine and the version that actually happens in real adult lives, it's probably not the same event. Like they don't even take place in the same postal code.

I mean, I don't know. I'm like thinking hot steak and you're, and the beach, like, are you doing this simultaneously? Are you feeding him as you're giving him a blow job?

Like what is 

Vicki: First of all, I don't think there should be any sex after food. There should be sex, then food. That's the story I'm sticking to it.

Coralie: I, and as someone with TMJ who struggles with both eating steak, giving a BJ like my mouth is going to need muscle relaxants for four days.

Amber: Fair enough. So the fantasy version, all right. It's effortless. There's enthusiasm. Time and energy and desire all magical, [00:07:00] like it all magically aligns together, right? And that's what I think when people are promoting this, that's what we're thinking is gonna happen. It's this awesome, fun, sexy thing that's gonna happen.

And men love steak and men love BJ's. And maybe it's the man that thinks it's gonna be amazing less the woman. I don't know. In reality though, I think that someone had to think about dinner, buy the damn food. This is the part I hate the most. Cook the damn food and then clean up. What happened last night after dinner?

Vicki: Tell us.

Amber: I'm sick. I made dinner last night. And I don't mind. I, I fill the dishwasher. He empties the dishwasher. We've just got our rolls. But sometimes when your wife is fucking sick, clean the damn kitchen. Anyways, I digress.

Vicki: Thank God it.

Amber: not, he was getting, I was [00:08:00] gonna eat the thing as the steak, I tell you. I was mad anyway.

Vicki: Oh, one more reason. Vicky's single.

Amber: So people are working, they're stressed, they're full, they're tired. Who the hell after eating dinner, cleaning up, having to plan it all, cooking it. Who wants to go give a blowjob?

Vicki: Absolutely

Amber: Not me. I mean, not me most days, but

Vicki: Even those of us who don't mind,

Amber: yeah,

Vicki: I'm exhausted after all of that. That's

not happening. 

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: No, No, no, You order in at least an hour after. Have it delivered after I'm done. Like I am just saying. You switch it around

Amber: like desire just doesn't switch on because the calendar says, Hey, it speak taking BJ Day, let's do this,

you know? 

Coralie: Wouldn't that be nice? Oh my God. So much easier than figuring out what meds, what [00:09:00] hormones, what, blah, blah, blah. We need an easy button.

Vicki: I think everyone would agree.

Amber: so I mean, talk about the emotional mismatch, right? One person anticipates a reward, the other feels expectation. Even when it's unspoken, it's felt like

it's, it shouldn't be obligatory.

So let's bring it back to the bigger picture, when intimacy becomes performative, it stops being connective.

Pleasure is assumed.

It loses warmth, especially in long term or midlife relationships. So that's why I think we're just gonna go with steak and oral

creme brulee and oral I'd rather dessert creme brulee and oral. So if people come away from this day feeling awkward, pressured, or vaguely annoyed like me, maybe a little angry, it's not because they're uptight, it's because the setup doesn't match real life.

And when something consistently misses the mark like that, [00:10:00] it causes tension at home, which is why if steak and BJJ were launched today, the PR follow would be immediate.

Vicki: I sure would. Yeah. Can you imagine? It's like would never fly.

Okay, so I'm gonna be the odd one out here because I actually like steak and BJ day. I mean, it doesn't have to be a day for me. But even I can admit that if this were launched today as a campaign, that it would be a PR disaster. The people would eat you alive if you came up with this kind of an event on, in, in today's age, this obviously has spanned the test of time. I think it's slowly dying 'cause I hear about it less.

Coralie: Yeah, I think that we should kind of let it die out after this.

Vicki: I agree. Let's never talk about steak and BJ day again.

Amber: However, this will live on the internet forever.

Vicki: Right. It will, it'll but stake an oral day. Now we're having that.

Coralie: Yeah. Creme brulee.

Vicki: So, [00:11:00] you know, the name alone is a problem. It's explicit, but it's not mutual. And I think we've addressed that. It centers one person's pleasure. It's, doesn't even pretend to have any balance to it. So I think that's where I kind of struggle with it. It's very confident for something that explains itself so poorly, it just, it's, there's just not enough information here for me. Let's talk about the language around it. Modern audiences, we kind of expect some clarity, choice, mutual benefit. I love the word autonomy in this situation. But this. Holiday of sorts. It just assumes participation. Like it's an expectation and we know I don't like expectations.

I do what I want, when I want to, how I wish. End of story. So there's no like, are you into this phase? It just kind of skips all of that and goes right to, the expectation of this is occurring.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. 

Vicki: This can be funny, right? I think we [00:12:00] said it before, I think it was picked up originally on, on radio. It's just kind of a punchy thing to talk about. There can be lots of little TikTok and reels and the comment sections can go wild.

Like there's a lot of conversation and interaction that can happen around this. But I don't know that it would all be great. But I think it could be funny 'cause we all know my sense of humor's a little off. It could trend for all the wrong reasons, right? We also wanna be really cautious of what we're putting out into the world. And I think that we all have a responsibility to that. I mean, we are a very sex positive group, but we are all about consent and we are all about the communication around it and the lack of expectation. If anybody expects me to do anything, the chances of me doing it are no.

Coralie: Mm.

Vicki: Right. 

Coralie: Totally a good way to make it not happen.

Vicki: exactly. So some couples, you know, they've talked about it, [00:13:00] they've enjoyed it mutually. Maybe they've personalized it in some way, like we've talked about, but pleasure and consent and choice, it's a very different experience than just the idea of steak and BJD. So I like it. I don't like the assumptions behind it.

if your holiday only works, when people already have great communication, then the holiday really isn't doing the work.

The real fix isn't rebranding the day. It's rethinking about how we talk about pleasure in the first place because when pleasure is chosen, it's fun, and when it's expected, it's just awkward.

Amber: Yeah, choose. Choose creme, brulee and oral every week. Not a, not one day, a year, 

every damn week, 

Coralie: totally. And if you have the sex and then eat the calories don't count. They like wipe each other out,

Vicki: Hmm.

I like that.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: our calorie free creme brulee lubricant.

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: Yes.

Vicki: Yeah. Work, work off your [00:14:00] calories. Pre food. Hmm. I

like that. That depends. That decides how much I can eat. I.

Coralie: Right. Sex before eating too, especially if you're going out, that's like a mood regulator for everyone, you know?

Vicki: You should have before, anytime you're going out on a date,

anything. And if you're alone, take care of your business before you go out because you'll be less likely to make a bad choice out in the wild.

Coralie: Mm-hmm. I can't tell you how many people have told me that they wore ugly panties on the first date, so that they didn't go home with them and then they went home.

Vicki: Or don't shave.

Coralie: Yeah.

Vicki: maintenance.

Coralie: Just Jill off first and then get out there.

Vicki: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I'll do the no maintenance thing and then I'll be like, dammit,

this was a bad choice, Vicki.

Coralie: Well, thanks for listening. And remember, desire isn't a Calendar event and Pleasure works best when it's chosen, not expected. Now we wanna hear from [00:15:00] you. Do you celebrate steak and BJ day? Do you quietly ignore it or do you roll your eyes and make up your own rules? Kind of like we did.

Send us a message, comment, email. If we share your story, it's always gonna be anonymous,