Episode: 67 - The Pressure to Perform is Killing Your Sex Life

Have you ever been in the middle of sex and suddenly started overthinking everything?

Am I taking too long?
 Do I look okay?
 Am I doing this right?

Just like that… you’re out of the moment and stuck in your head.

In this episode of Not Safe for Brunch, we’re talking about the pressure to perform in the bedroom, where it comes from, how it affects your body, and how to actually enjoy intimacy again.

Because sex isn’t supposed to feel like an audition… it’s supposed to feel like connection.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

It's okay to need lubricant or arousal gels or anything else that kind of helps assist in the bedroom. Because listen, my husband loves his power tools. All the power to him. It helps him get the job done faster. Why can't I love my lubricant in arousal gel? That's right. Have you ever been in the middle of sex and suddenly thought, Am I taking too long? Do I look okay right now? Should the lights be off? Am I doing enough? And just like that, you're not in the moment anymore and you're in your head. Today we're talking about the pressure to perform because when sex starts to feel like a performance review instead of connection, something's definitely off.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

This is Taboo Talk, not safe for brunch. I'm Coralie from Vancouver, and I love digging deep and asking the questions no one will.

SPEAKER_03 0:54

I'm Amber from Ontario. I'm blunt, cut through the fluff and get straight to the point. And I'm Vicky from Manitoba. I'm all about real connection because intimacy starts with trust. Let's get into it.

SPEAKER_04 1:06

So before anything shuts down physically, it usually starts mentally. So let's talk about what's actually happening in your brain when you feel the pressure in the bedroom. And I'm laughing because we were just talking about some really crazy examples of the things that we worry about. So let's talk about performance anxiety. Does it trigger some stress and a negative?

SPEAKER_02 1:29

I feel like performance anxiety might be more of a masculine male thing. I don't, I correct me if I'm wrong. I've never felt performance anxiety.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

I'll say that I have sometimes when I feel like my body isn't reacting as easily as it usually does. Because it doesn't take me long, but every now and then, especially in menopause, it feels like the fucking planets have to align or something to make it happen. And so I'll get in my head about that. But yeah, I don't think it's something in general that women deal with as much as men. I think there's a lot more pressure on them.

SPEAKER_04 2:04

Unless you're single. All right, do tell. So I think that there definitely is some periods of wanting to make sure because you're learning a new person's body, possibly. Am I doing the right things? I really like you show me I'll do it kind of thing. Because everybody likes a different rhythm or speed or touch or strength or grit. Like just show me how you like it. I promise I'm a great student. But in the meantime, sometimes that is problematic. And I definitely think, you know, am I going to do this the way they like? And are they going to be as strong as I am and be able to redirect properly? So yeah, I think as a single person, I get it. When I was in a relationship, listen, if I didn't perform today, suck it up, friend. Like maybe tomorrow.

SPEAKER_02 2:57

Fair enough. I'm glad you brought that point up because now that like you, you know, you think about it, it's like, oh yeah, yeah, you're totally right. Yeah. So I so maybe it's more of a less of a male-female thing. It's more of a partnered.

unknown 3:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:10

How comfortable are you together already? What does that look like? Right? Yeah. And are you good communicators? Because that makes a difference too. Because you can be with a new partner who's a great communicator and can redirect and adjust and modify and you know have a sex decompress after so that you can kind of figure out what to do next time. Those are all great qualities, and both parties could take note. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:32

Sometimes it's just like, sorry, honey, that I was bad today. Like I'll make up for it next time. Totally. Like, yeah. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 3:41

My arm is so tired. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_04 3:44

Right? Try breaking your try breaking your dominant wrist. Just like you gotta jump the modify. Um, so the other thing that can happen too, of course, is that your cortisol rises, and when your cortisol rises, your arousal drops. So that that anxiety, that anxiousness, it doesn't serve us, right? So that's and we talk about cortisol a lot just because it's such an incredibly powerful shift that can happen with that in all kinds of places in our lives. What about spectatoring? Sort of watching yourself instead of experiencing the moment. Anyone that's right.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

No, I'm like no, yeah. I don't want to look.

SPEAKER_00 4:31

I don't want to look, I can't stop. That's all. No mirrors, no mirrors.

SPEAKER_04 4:43

That's fair. Yeah, that's fair. I I I have definitely been with men who want to watch themselves. So yeah, I find that I don't know if I don't know if I know a lot of women that feel that way. I'm really glad that you said that because I don't know that I would have assumed that.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Well, it's exciting if you go to a hotel, you know, and it's something different and unique, but it's not something that I would want like above my bed, you know.

SPEAKER_02 5:08

One of those like cheesy Vegas hotels with the mirror above your bed. Like totally, I think not an everyday thing.

SPEAKER_04 5:16

Okay, sure. It would it would just create this performative feeling that I probably wouldn't love.

SPEAKER_02 5:22

Well, there's the performance anxiety right there, and then it's all a double-sided mirror.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

Like, hello. Oh god, don't even get me started. Hotels, good god. You're trying to tap it to see if your finger touches or not.

SPEAKER_04 5:37

So studies suggest that roughly 25 to 30 percent of men report sexual performance anxiety at some point, and I do agree with that. I I would almost suggest that that's higher.

SPEAKER_00 5:49

Yeah, I think I would think so too. Yeah, and I think it's really hard studies like that where people are just giving their opinion and there's not like a blood pressure, like there's not some sort of body test.

SPEAKER_02 6:00

You really gotta believe it.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Know yourself, be comfortable, yeah, and be comfortable being honest and understanding that like it's anonymous, you know. Yes, the person who's doing the study may in some cases know because it depending on the study, but it's not like it's gonna be on your freaking Instagram, okay.

SPEAKER_04 6:17

Right, no one's gonna I think that there's some anxiety in bringing up your anxiety as a part of the conversation, too. But I think that there is a way to say I want to ensure that your pleasure is taken care of, or I want to ensure that's different than saying I'm really nervous because I think that I don't stay hard long enough or I don't get wet enough. If you know, whatever, whatever that might look like, I just think that there are ways to say I want to make sure that I'm performing well for you. So, you know, it's just again, it's just a conversation, people, but yeah, I would suggest that that's higher. 25 to 30 percent of men, that's that feels quite low to me, actually. In my most recent experience.

SPEAKER_00 7:02

Because it's even just saying at some point, it's not saying all the time, right?

SPEAKER_04 7:06

Right, it's at some point, so and it could be at the beginning of the relationship until you kind of get things figured out, or maybe if you're in a blip in your relationship, right? And then all of a sudden it doesn't feel so intuitive anymore, and then you do sort of take a moment, yeah. Anyway, I thought that was interesting. Women experience it differently as well. So we have we typically can have some worries and concerns about our body image, right? We're concerned about what we look like and how the lingerie fits and how we're being viewed. We're also worried about sounding right. So whether we're in the bedroom and we're uh are we making noise or we not making noise? Are we quiet or are we not quiet? What are we what are we doing in there, ladies? Like, you know?

SPEAKER_00 7:53

Um make the sound intentionally because you're maybe your partner's like a sound person. You know, that's a lot of pressure because then you're like filming a porno at the same time without a hand.

SPEAKER_04 8:04

And also sound can be distracting. So if you're with a partner that finds sound distracting, but your natural habitat is to make noise, then there's gonna be this disconnect, right? So it's a matter of finding your finding. Your partner who is distracted by the noises, like has the pillow on your head. Listen, whatever works. Maybe maybe your partner's into the pillow on their head. Could be, could be. Let's talk about comparing themselves to maybe pornography or past partners or maybe even their own fantasies, right? So that puts a lot of pressure on what the scenario needs to look like. And the brain cannot relax into pleasure while it feels evaluated, like when we're overthinking it. So that's really that's really tough. And women, we don't overthink. No, yeah, and pressure on ourselves creates self-monitoring, and self-monitoring, of course, is gonna kill sensation. You lose it, and then now you know you're considering faking an orgasm, so it ends. Which we do not condone. No, no, we don't want you to do that. But it's run through all of us, our heads, at some point. How do I make this end? And it's not really anything to do with the partner, it's probably because we are in our own heads and we're doing our own thing, and it could be about the partner, but it could also very well not.

SPEAKER_00 9:25

So yeah. I think sometimes too, in conversations that I've had with clients, a lot of times they were because things started drying up, you know, and it's just easier to say, I'm drying up, yeah, and or easier to fake it rather than right, just having it.

SPEAKER_02 9:42

You never want to do that because you get too dry, then the tears happen and it gets uncomfortable, and you're almost programming your brain to like sex hurts, I don't want to do it anymore. And your body never really wants to get comfortable and aroused anymore. Yeah. If you consistently do that. So grab the lube, do the things.

SPEAKER_04 10:02

Yeah, yeah. I agree. And once that pressure takes over mentally, it doesn't just stay there, it just starts changing how your body responds to everything, like you said, and it you dry up, you do the things. So that's where it gets really frustrating.

SPEAKER_00 10:14

Mm-hmm. It's interesting too because the body is wired for pleasure, but only if the body feels safe. So if you feel judged, if you feel like you're being evaluated, your nervous system is gonna shift, your cortisol is gonna go up, you're gonna get inflamed, and that's gonna change everything. That's not the fire you want in the bedroom. When you are your stress goes up, first of all, it's gonna reduce blood flow to the genitals. And especially for women, we need 20 minutes to get the blood there. Try to keep your stress low by taking some tips from this for your to reduce the performance anxiety. Because that anxiety, too, when you have the lack of blood flow, it's going to make someone with a penis have difficulty maintaining an erection, delayed orgasm for anyone, um, vaginal dryness for someone with a vagina, and pain during intimacy. A lot of times, people, when they say that they're feeling pain, it's because of dryness and because they're tense. So add the lube, like we were saying, and try and figure out. I think it's important to try and figure out what is stressing you out. Like why can you not just get into the moment? 40% of women report difficulty reaching orgasm, and that is without the added pressure, right? So the pressure is going to intensify that. Making your sex goal-oriented can also really create that performance pressure, focusing only on the orgasm and treating the orgasm like it's the finish line. Just think when you go on a road trip, you see all these cool sites, and then you get to your destination, and that's cool too. But the things you see on the way, they're amazing. And sex can be like that too. Um, having the lights on versus the lights off. For some, having the lights off feels safe. For other people, having the lights off might reinforce shame. So the issue really isn't the lighting, it's the reason behind the lighting. And I want to share just something that really helped me in my own relationship because I used to have major performance anxiety about my own appearance. What do I look like? He's seeing all my roles. Like I have given birth. He's seeing all my roles, or I don't want to have the lights on. And then one day I just like, I don't know what it was, but I just had this epiphany. Like, what's he gonna do? Divorce me because I have a fat roll on my belly. And it was just this little click in my head that I was like, well, if he does, I want to find out now when I'm young and cute. And we are so much better for it. We started having way better sex. That was kind of the beginning of my like body acceptance journey. And yeah, and if he was like, ew, fat roll, well, I would be a different person on this podcast, right?

SPEAKER_04 12:53

Listen, you know, trying trying to get divorced at 50, all right? That also creates an entire it's exactly that. It's you get to a place where your give meter is so low, and you know, I don't look at bodies, I look at people, I look at personalities. How do you make me feel? What is that? All of those things. And I find myself attracted to human beings, not bodies. And I think that that does come with age, but I also find that I just don't care. If you don't like me, then there's a I'm sure there's a roster. Like I they're just it's fine.

SPEAKER_02 13:30

Well, and I mean, like Coralie said, I'd rather find out sooner than later. Right. Why waste my time? No, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:37

I'm not gonna be butthurt about it. I just feel like we put a lot of pressure on ourselves, thinking that we have to be young and cute, just like you said, right? I don't I hate that. I hate that we feel like this is what I need in order to attract somebody. No, it's exactly the opposite. You need to be a good person, you need to have a good personality, and if that vibes, then let's rock and roll. But that comes with age.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Yeah, totally. Back then, I was in my 20s when I had this thought. So of course I was thinking, I'll just I'll still be young and cute, you know? Yeah, if I was in that situation now, I'd be like, now I'll know if he's worth my time or not.

SPEAKER_04 14:11

Correct. Right, right, absolutely, yeah. Yes, that's leveling up, girls.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

Love it so much. Yes. This pressure doesn't start for us in the bedrooms, it starts with what we were taught sex was supposed to be with the movies, TV, relationships that we've had modeled for us. That's where it all begins.

SPEAKER_02 14:31

So we didn't grow up with healthy conversations about intimacy. Most of us got silence, shame, or unrealistic expectations. So let's talk about where the pressure actually comes from and how to stop carrying it. And I think one of the biggest things is porn and media creating unrealistic expectations like body standards, endless stamina, instant arousal. Man, like when I watched porn and it was like the girl is like screaming, and at the I'm like, okay, that's how I do it.

SPEAKER_04 15:06

Ah, interesting.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

It was a tutorial for you. I was like, I gotta scream loud because it sounds really good.

SPEAKER_00 15:14

Like, yeah, no, you don't. Something's wrong with me because I don't want to scream loud because it doesn't feel good enough for me to scream loud, right? Like something's wrong with my body most of the time. I'm sure you guys have experienced this as well. Most of the time when women come to us to talk that you know about say not having an internal orgasm, they think it's them, they think something's wrong with them. And we know that's rarely the case, right?

SPEAKER_04 15:41

Yeah, also, can we hit on this endless stamina?

SPEAKER_00 15:44

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_04 15:45

We don't want you to go on forever, like exercise ring closed, and I'm good. Yeah, like it's fine. I think that that is something certainly that men hold on to is that they're supposed to be pounding it out forever. And no, that's again, Corley said it. We need 20 minutes of lots of foreplay. Focus there.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

The porn stars and the TV stars and the movie stars of now, they look so different than what we grew up with, right? People still were more human-looking, everyone had differences. Now everyone is gets surgery and everyone looks the same, everyone looks very similar and they look stunningly gorgeous. All of them, they're all stunners. There's not sort of that everyday sort of beauty anymore because of all the pressure that those people are feeling to look like everyone else and to be a 10 out of 10 at all times. And I think that the movie stars and all those people of the days of your were stunning as well. But just it's all changed now.

SPEAKER_04 16:45

I'm gonna let everyone else take one for the team on that one. Yeah, sure. You don't eat and exercise like you're gonna die if you don't let yeah, you do that, and I'll just be over here fold me like a taco, it's fine. I don't give a shit. Sorry.

SPEAKER_02 17:06

Well, I mean, there's there's cultural messaging and things too, where it's like, yeah, you're to be good in bed equals performance.

SPEAKER_05 17:12

Right.

SPEAKER_02 17:13

So now you're like for I'm looking at porn going, okay, I gotta do this, and this is how I gotta sound, and da-da-da-da-da. And an orgasm equals success. Where that's where a lot of times women especially will fake it because they think, I'm just not getting there. I'm thinking about the laundry and the dishes and the you know, and I'm just my head is just not in it, and your brain is your biggest friggin' sex organ. So if you're not in it, don't just fake it. You could enjoy all of the things that happened up to it. The orgasm might not be in the cards tonight, yeah, but the success was the intimacy you had with your partner. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 17:51

And I do think that goes both ways.

unknown 17:53

Right.

SPEAKER_02 17:54

Perimenopause and aging, hormonal shifts impact arousal and lubrication. So, I mean, we talk a lot about lubrication. I sure do. And perimenopause. Yes, lubrication. It's like your it's like the trifecta. Like it's biology, nobody's failing anything. It's biology. And I mean, sometimes you might not realize it right away and going, holy shit, what the hell is wrong with me? But I love the fact that now algorithm just pops up with all this perimetopause things. I love it because I learned so much. And I'm like, wow, I'm not broken. I'm okay, I'm not failing, I'm okay, and it's okay to need lubricant or arousal gels or anything else that kind of helps assist in the bedroom. Because listen, my husband loves his power tools, all the power to him. It helps him get the job done faster. Why can't I love my lubricant and arousal gel? That's right.

SPEAKER_00 18:46

Totally, no one's building a house with a hammer anymore. They're getting a nail gun.

SPEAKER_02 18:51

Exactly. So, some things that you could do, some action steps that I would like everybody who's listening to kind of take away from this episode is replace that performance mindset with the connection mindset. And also ask, did we feel connected instead of did I do right? And this is something you could ask yourself, but it's also something that you could have that conversation with your partner. Normalize communication with your partner after. Vicky loves the sex decompress, she talks about it all the friggin' time. If I hear anything more about the sex decompress, no, I think she just likes to have sex so that she can do the sex decompress.

SPEAKER_04 19:28

Yes, you're right. I just want to talk about it after. Tell me what was good, tell me what needs to change, tell me what you loved.

SPEAKER_02 19:36

Yeah, I mean, like even like lighting preferences, right? Because one partner might be uh self-conscious about their body, but then the other partners, I love to look at you and having the lights on helps, you know? Or lube, how much lube do we do? Did you like that lube? Maybe we should try a different lube if you didn't like that one. Um, are we involving toys into the bedroom? What was the pace like? If they're like just maybe you want to slow it down, and that's okay too.

SPEAKER_00 20:04

Look at Jackhammering has a time and place, and it is not all the time and not all the places. You're right. You're right. Ever's been watching porn again. Oh my god. So today we talked about how pressure starts in the mind and then affects the body, and then it's fueled by unrealistic expectations we've absorbed over time. So just remember that sex isn't supposed to feel like an audition. It's not about performance, it's about presence and it's about connection. So whether the lights are on or off, it doesn't matter nearly as much as whether you feel safe enough to actually be there. And that is what real intimacy looks like.

SPEAKER_02 20:44

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SPEAKER_03 20:54

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SPEAKER_01 21:04

Until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.