Episode: 71 - Are Blue Balls Real? Sex Myths We Need to Unlearn

What if most of what you learned about sex growing up was wrong?

In this episode of Taboo Talks: Not Safe For Brunch, Amber, Coralie, and Vicki unpack the biggest sex myths many of us were taught through school, movies, magazines, religion, locker room talk, and pure misinformation.

From the truth about “blue balls” to why painful sex is not something you should just accept, we’re breaking down outdated beliefs and replacing them with honest, empowering conversation.

We also talk about poor sex education, pleasure gaps, men’s libido myths, women’s orgasms, masturbation shame, and why learning about sex often starts way later in life than it should.

Because no... good sex is not supposed to be confusing, painful, or based on myths.

Transcript

Amber: [00:00:00] this whole Blue balls concept, I feel like men just made this shit up

Coralie: Yeah.

Amber: so they could get what they wanted, 

think back to the things you learned about sex growing up, not just in school, but from friends, movies, magazines and locker room rumors. Things like pulling out prevents pregnancy. Masturbation is dirty. Women are supposed to feel pain the first time, or someone might get blue balls if you don't help them finish. The problem is a lot of those ideas followed us straight into adulthood. So today we're unpacking the sex miss many of us grew up with in the past and what the truth actually is,

[00:01:00] 

Vicki: okay. Before we get into the myths, it's worth looking at, what sex education actually looked like for a lot of us growing up. We've talked about this a lot. So most of what we learned in school focused on the biology side of things, puberty, reproduction, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted infections. A lot of that was influenced.

By the HIV and the AIDS crisis at the time. So the messaging was very heavily focused on risk and prevention, but there were also a lot of things that simply were not talked about at all. That's why we left so confused.

Coralie: Why we're doing what we do now.

Vicki: That's exactly right. Yeah. We vowed to inform, so sex ed focused mostly on [00:02:00] biology and risk, not relationships or pleasure. Certainly not 

Amber: No, it was like, don't have sex. You'll get pregnant.

Vicki: That's right. And then they made you watch that video of the woman having the baby, and you're like, I'm never doing that.

Amber: I didn't get that video.

Vicki: That was awful.

Amber: Your generation was scar too much. They must taken it out.

Coralie: I,

saw it. I saw it. It was not good. I still had a baby.

Vicki: Yeah, right. So did I, did that Anyway, heavy emphasis on avoiding pregnancy and STIs, right? So it was just talking again, and mostly I found that it was all about abstinence.

Coralie: Yeah,

Vicki: Abstinence was the answer to all of the problems, but no one actually heated the warning. So I don't know why we talked about it so much.

Uh, very little discussion about consent or communication.

Amber: this makes me sad.

The fact that there was little information on that just makes me so sad.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Yeah, I don't. Ah, [00:03:00] gosh. Okay. I keep forgetting that there is a little bit of an age difference between us, but Coralie, did you, we were in the same demographic. Did you receive communication, 

Coralie: No. 

Vicki: There was no 

Coralie: No, I was taking those classes late eighties, early nineties, and, um, not at all. Nothing about

consent 

Vicki: No,

Coralie: or communication

came up at all. It was the only communication was, say no.

Vicki: Right. And even when my kids were in school, and I'm sure your guys is as well, but like they never came home talking about communication, although I do believe there was some conversation about consent. So the next generation, I think, did catch some of that. Certainly female pleasure and the clitoris were rarely mentioned,

Coralie: Rarely, it was never mentioned.

It was never mentioned in my health classes ever.

Vicki: Right, which is why we talk about the clitoris [00:04:00] all the time.

Coralie: I wish I could go back and jump up and be like, let's talk about the clitoris and just watch my teacher his fucking mind.

Vicki: I always say I would never go back, but you're right. I would go back for the health class.

Amber: Yeah. Well, it's funny, my granddaughter, she's nine now, but she was I think six at the time. I'm pretty sure she was like senior kindergarten, maybe grade one. And the teachers told our daughter, she says vagina and penis

and yeah, she should be

like, 

Vicki: yeah, we gave her the anatomy words.

Amber: yeah, now, we haven't gone into the difference between vulva and stuff like that

yet, but you know.

Vicki: But age appropriately, she still needs to have all of those

words. Those are just so important. Our kids need to know what the body parts are, 'cause God help them if they ever have to be questioned about anything and need to know the names of those body parts.

Coralie: Yeah.

There is research that shows that kids who know what those body parts are and know what they're for are [00:05:00] less like. To be put in a situation where they could be groomed or abused because they know they're aware, most of the groomers are going for the more naive, or less educated kids.

So 

talk to your kids.

Vicki: Man, could we go on 

Coralie: I, 

uh,

Vicki: And of course, masturbation was usually ignored completely, although that actually was the answer to abstinence.

Coralie: yeah.

Vicki: That, uh, that 100%. And that is also something that, again, when my kids were young, that was not provided at school.

There was still no conversation about, digital masturbation or anything of the sorts.

Amber: Well, and I think, I went to Catholic school, so this was like a big no-no.

Vicki: Correct. Yeah,

Coralie: Is it a sin to masturbate if you're Catholic?

Amber: it was frowned 

Coralie: What. 

Amber: Um, I, I, I actually had a boyfriend who was very, very Catholic, and he could, he would only touch himself to clean himself. He could no touching,

Vicki: that's what I call [00:06:00] it.

Every day.

Amber: I'm using the soap.

Vicki: Oh my gosh. All right. And of course, let's talk quickly, we're just gonna touch on it. Porn, media and peers often filled all of those gaps, right? And,

Amber: And often incorrectly,

I mean in itself.

Coralie: those were full of misinformation.

Amber: Yeah. Yeah.

exactly. 

Vicki: Those gaps were the scary part. That's the place that made me the most nervous with my family when I was raising children, was that I wanted to make sure that they understood.

All of the pieces, right? So I may or may not have had to have a conversation with one principal and just tell them that my children had good information. I had it on pretty decent authority, and, that if they shared something in the school yard, that it was legit.

Amber: Yeah.

Vicki: That may or may not have happened.

Coralie: Yeah.

Amber: Right. Well, and as soon as kids start to get a little bit older, they're talking anyways. Right. So if you educated your kids about stuff, they're [00:07:00] talking to their friends. And I've heard it, parents getting mad at other parents because they hadn't had the conversation yet. Well, they're have to have the conversation Younger and younger 

Coralie: Yeah,

because they are going to talk about it on the schoolyard 

way before.

Vicki: as soon as they're asking. 100%. And as soon as they're asking the question, they need the answer age appropriately, but they need the answer.

Um, otherwise,

Amber: when they get uncomfortable.

Vicki: yeah. Otherwise they go looking for it and they're gonna find answers in the wrong places, and that's not what we want.

Coralie: Yeah,

'cause often too, when you don't know something,

your mind goes to the way worse place or even the most literal place. Thought blow jobs were

Amber: right.

Coralie: when I was a kid. Like I was like young. I shouldn't have even heard the term. 

But when I did, like I'm a literal thinker. Whew.

Vicki: Right. Right. And I mean, they're gonna go to their friends, they're gonna go to media, they're gonna go to social media Now, back in the day we were reading, young Cosmo, right. And, uh, VC Andrews. [00:08:00] That's right. Like we, we were finding the information that we thought we needed and desired in the places that we felt safe to go, because no one.

Was talking to us. It's questionable information and I, I would rather them have real information. So that's where a lot of the 

Coralie: So we didn't get the full picture in sex ed. A lot of us learned about sex through the rumors and through cultural messaging, and some of those ideas sounded believable at the time. Like some of the misinformation sounds valid, right? 

A lot of it turns out to be completely wrong. First one, the big one pulling out prevents pregnancy. Many people believed that if you just pulled out and there was no ejaculation into the vagina, that there's no way you could get pregnant. Pre ejaculate, which is the little bits that come out before they can contain sperm. You could even get pregnant without even having sex if your genitals were just close and there was pre ejaculate. That might have been what happened with Mary. [00:09:00] Sorry, Catholic. Amber,

Amber: Wow.

Coralie: your timing isn't reliable. Okay. Your, your timing ISN isn't reliable. Even as a woman, I wouldn't trust my own timing. I can't imagine trusting his timing, you know?

Amber: Right. And like as he's pulling out and it's just shooting out on you. I'm sorry, there's some inside.

Vicki: Absolutely there is, and again, talking about timing in general. I mean, we never know. Even when we're talking about tracking our cycles and all of, like, again, biology

shit happens, man. Stop, stop leaving it to chance.

Coralie: I mean, and also Vicki was talking about the things that we learned in health class. Amber being in Catholic school, masturbation is harmful or dirty. I mean, I don't even remember a single conversation about masturbation, so I can't say that I experienced that, but like in school, but you definitely experience it, especially if you're a girl when you're growing up and are just naturally curious and go do [00:10:00] that in your bedroom. That gives you the. Impression that it's dirty, right? When really it's just about privacy, which should be explained a little more. But

anyways, 

Vicki: Right,

Coralie: it is a normal part of sexual development, that personal exploration, and it helps you understand your bodies. So it's really important. I think that the people who masturbate are going to have better sex.

Vicki: a hundred percent.

Coralie: And there's also this myth that teaching sex ed makes kids want sex earlier. And this still appears in debates today, but as we've said, comprehensive sex education, it can help, it can be a safety measure for them, but it

can also often delay sexual activity and reduce that risky behavior.

Amber: I mean, it's better for them to know and have the answers than go into it blind. Like they're gonna make sure they have the condoms, they're gonna make sure they have, or they're gonna do other things.

Vicki: Right.

Coralie: they're gonna do [00:11:00] it whether you tell them to or not, because biology is going to.

Amber: Exactly.

Vicki: Yes.

Coralie: Yeah. We're also told that pain during sex is normal.

Amber: big. No. 

Coralie: Yeah. And many women were told especially the first time that it should hurt. And that might be the case, but it's not always the case. And if it's happening continually, it's definitely not normal. I would say it's,

Amber: Yeah.

Coralie: it's not uncommon for it to hurt the first time, but, it shouldn't always be, it shouldn't always be hurting, that pain can come from anxiety because if you're tense, you're not relaxed, that can cause some pain. Lack of arousal. You gotta get your girl warmed up, you gotta bake, you gotta bake her, put her in the oven and get her all moist and all that stuff. Lack of lubrication, like it

always got loop.

Vicki: and [00:12:00] I think that we should also discuss a difference between pain and discomfort

Coralie: yes,

Amber: Right.

Coralie: absolutely. 

Vicki: I think that discomfort the first time, because it's new, it's different, it's unexpected. We have no frame of reference. That can be true, and I think two things can be true at the same time.

I do think that some people can have pain as well, but I think you're right. Moving forward, obviously pain should not 

Coralie: I'll tell you, my first time hurt so much. 

It 

Vicki: Oh, interesting.

Coralie: lot. And what I realized later on is his was bent the other way.

Vicki: Oh,

that'll do it. I.

Coralie: so try and get a, try and get a normal one. First one.

Amber: maybe a straight one. Not

are like that. None are not normal.

Vicki: Listen. I was gonna say, yeah, let's not use the normal word. But I think too that had we been taught conversation was healthy and normal, if we wanna use that word somewhere, I think had that [00:13:00] been taught then there might have been a conversation and I think that. I think that if we could be as young people, if we could be informed, that would just make the difference in everything.

And I just,

I'm I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That hurt. That makes me feel bad.

Coralie: That's okay. It wasn't you. But yeah, if you are experiencing persistent pain every time you have sex, that is not normal. Don't let anyone tell you that's normal. Don't let your mom be like, oh, that's normal for our family.

Vicki: Right?

Amber: Oh yeah. No bullshit.

Coralie: it's not freaking, if it's normal for your family, that means your family should go get checked out.

Like.

Vicki: Yeah. Everyone needs a doctor's visit.

Coralie: There's so many

things that we, slough off because we're told like, oh, this is normal for our family. This is normal for our

family. It's not normal. No one just got it checked out no matter what it

is 

Amber: Right. And I mean, if there's pain there consistently a pain over time, you're not gonna wanna do it.

Your brain's gonna go, no, this is not fun. Let's not do this. I'm not into 

Coralie: And there goes your libido.[00:14:00] 

Vicki: Hundred percent. Yeah. It all plays a factor.

Coralie: So some of the biggest myths, they don't just come from misinformation about biology. They come from the cultural expectations about how men and women were supposed to experience sex.

Amber: Yeah, a lot of those sex myths people carried into adulthood didn't come from school at all, though. They came from movies, locker rooms, and the way that sex was portrayed in the media.

Vicki: Yeah.

Amber: Those ideas shaped how people thought sex was supposed to work.

I mean, like porn in itself, right? We've talked about that. Go back to our porn episode. It's wild. But this whole Blue balls concept, I feel like men just made this shit up

Coralie: Yeah.

Amber: so they could get what they wanted, and I personally have heard it growing up.

Vicki: Oh, a hundred percent. Absolutely.

Amber: don't leave me like this.

You know what I mean?

Like

Vicki: Yeah. You've been finishing yourself off for years, sir. You're.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Amber: Yeah, exactly.

Coralie: [00:15:00] Yeah.

Amber: That is definitely a.

Coralie: When, when I, you know, came into adulthood and started, getting into the sexual health education, I started calling them, blue Clips. Because really what it is, if you're a woman and if you've gotten really close and then something's happened so that you don't finish it, it doesn't hurt.

It's uncomfortable. It's

uncomfortable, right? I'm, they probably feel that same discomfort, but if you, it'll just resolve itself or you can take care of business yourself.

And it's one of those things, I think blue ball's one of those things, like you said, that men made up, and I think probably doctors, I'm gonna bet I haven't done any research.

I'm gonna bet a male doctor made it up, transferred it all down so that women would be more obliging.

Amber: Well, it's in my experience, it's to pressure the partner

Vicki: Mm-hmm.

Amber: to help you finish, or,

you know, get you in the sack.

Vicki: Yeah.

Well, we are not the three that have planned to be pressured into anything. Don't try that with us. We do what we want.

Coralie: Go give yourself a [00:16:00] handy or the pro,

Vicki: That's right. Expert at work. I'll get you a sign.

Amber: Now another, another myth is that men always want sex. So there's that stereotype that, men constantly want sex all the time. Creates pressure for men to perform,

makes people assume that something is wrong with them if libido is different,

Vicki: right,

Amber: and that's not the case. Men don't always want sex, and I think a lot of it'll have to also do with their hormones

and what stage of life they're 

Coralie: Yeah. I think a lot of times too that that comes into play because, a young adult male or a late later teen, there is that, desire a lot more when they're younger, right? And so people just assume that that might stick around for your whole life. And, but that's not the case. I, I don't know, maybe you guys know a 40-year-old that can do it, like a 20-year-old.

Vicki: Very, very few.

Coralie: you know, back 20, you can [00:17:00] go 3, 4, 5 times a day

Vicki: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I certainly haven't found one, but, uh 

Coralie: and she.

Vicki: I think that this.

My buffet's been a little larger. I think this is a really important conversation because this is where I get very frustrated for men in our lives and for men in the world, is just that, it's that lack of communication. It's that lack of feeling like they can communicate. It puts. Them in such a deficit.

They can go to their doctors and have these conversations. And I have heard of men who have gone to the doctors firsthand and had a conversation with them in regards to this. And somehow they've gotten down to the nitty gritty to kind of figure it out. But there are times that men have been told just, this is just what happens with age.

And for me, it's like a little bit of, oh, now you know how we feel.

Amber: Yeah.

Vicki: Because we hear that all the time as women, but I think it's also, to that point it's very deflating for them because there is so [00:18:00] much of their life that has been centered around that being the life right, is it's part of what they bring to the table.

So I think that's a double-sided coin that I don't love for them.

Coralie: Yeah. If you are a man and you go to a doctor to talk to 'em about, lower libido, erectile dysfunction, if the first thing they're doing is pushing Viagra, to you, I would just do a little digging. 'cause a lot of times that can be the first sign of a blood circulation problem, a heart

problem, Diabetes.

Amber: Mm-hmm.

Coralie: Those should be ruled out.

Vicki: Absolutely agreed.

See, we like men.

Coralie: We do. We want you to keep your,

Amber: Now on the other hand of that, another myth is women don't enjoy sex as much.

Vicki: Oh, sorry. Was that out loud? I was like,

Amber: I mean, that's, this is a big myth. Like,

Vicki: yeah.

Coralie: yeah.

Amber: come on

Coralie: I mean, look at the three of us. [00:19:00] Do you think we would be doing this if we didn't enjoy it?

Vicki: I just think that that's, that's a very good point. I think that, just to my point that I stated previously, it's the same thing. If women suggest that they like sex, they're slutty, it's inappropriate, it's whatever. And I'm just, I'm so not here for that either, clearly.

Amber: No, and we were really, we weren't taught about pleasure

and you know, it was just, you have sex, you have babies. Like it's, it wasn't really about any pleasure for us that we were taught that.

So, 

Vicki: That's why we have jobs. Let's be real.

Amber: yeah. 

Vicki: That's why we do this. That's why we have work. That's why we have great conversations with women all the time. And sometimes with men, if we're able to. Weasel our way into their emotions a little bit, but it it's just, this is why this arena exists.

Coralie: Mm-hmm.

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: Absolutely. And I'm just curious too, when did you guys find out how big the clitoris was? Because I didn't find out. I was like, I wanna say between 30 and 32.[00:20:00] 

Vicki: Yep. 

Amber: I found out doing my business

like, yeah.

Vicki: Independent research. And all of a sudden we were like, oh. Oh,

Amber: Yeah.

What do you mean? There are eight to 10,000 nerve 

Coralie: and I still talk to women who don't know

Amber: Mm-hmm. 

Coralie: that your clitoris is like Y shaped and it has this little,

little 

Amber: like a wishbone.

Coralie: at the end of it and it has bulbs and it has legs, and

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: go back and we have an episode all about them.

Amber: We do, we do. We also talked about this myth before, penetration should cause orgasm, and that's just a definite no. It. Shouldn't. It can, but for most females, people that were born female at birth, this doesn't happen.

Women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. 

Vicki: Yeah, a good portion for sure.

Coralie: Sometimes I'm shocked at. How much more it needs to be talked about, because I'll still get messages from clients that are like, Hey, [00:21:00] will that help me have an internal orgasm? Like I can't seem to do it like something's wrong with me. And I'm always like, there's nothing wrong with you.

Vicki: Right.

Coralie: normal. 

Amber: No, it was interesting actually, and I don't know if, you watch Bridgeton,

Coralie: do.

Amber: but in

Coralie: season?

Amber: okay, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna ruin anything. One of the characters is having a hard time. Reaching, like having an orgasm

and she's trying to figure out how to have an orgasm and she's like, I'm having sex. It's not working, dah, dah, dah. So for them to talk about it, like it's really hard 'cause it's back in the day right? Is where that's set. But it was a really interesting, few episodes about how she was like really trying to discover how to climax.

Coralie: my gosh. Can't wait.

Vicki: Oh, you have to watch it. It's great. Yeah, I agree. It's not focused on, and I loved, I love that they did that in Bridgeton because it did sort of, uh, create the conversation today, I'm sure. And as it was meant to.

Amber: Right.

Vicki: But it was pretty edgy for the [00:22:00] time, I would assume. But again, there was conversation of that in those days too.

I mean, it's just, this is just something that women always just sort of talked about together to try and. Figure it out so that they could have pleasure. Right.

So, um, yeah. I loved that

Amber: And our last myth today is good sex should be natural and effortless. I'm sorry, but effortless. Sometimes it's like, don't get me wrong, but sometimes you gotta get a little creative.

Coralie: Yeah, like seasons one to three of Bridger tin.

Vicki: season one.

Amber: Damn.

Vicki: Yeah.

Coralie: I mean, no wonder, no wonder people want to do it.

Vicki: Right,

Coralie: Because TV and movies make it look freaking incredible.

Vicki: right. But TVs and movies also teach us to the above point that penetration causes 

Coralie: exactly.

Amber: Right.

Vicki: which again, I say to the man, there's a small portion of those women who are telling you the truth, but there's a larger portion that [00:23:00] probably are not, because the percentages are not stating that.

Amber: Yeah, reach down and play with her clitoris. During it, you'll see something

will change. 

So when you start looking at all of these myths together, it becomes pretty clear that most of us didn't really receive full sex education growing up.

Vicki: No. My gosh. And for a lot of people, sex education growing up was a mix of biology warnings, right? We were being warned what to do and not to do and what could or could not happen. We learned about. Reproduction, and disease, but not much about communication, pleasure or how relationships actually work.

So the rest of the information came from culture, rumors and whatever sources we happen to stumble across, like media, our friends. Whatever that looked like. And that's how many of these myths stuck around for so many years, everything just gets graduated to the next generation. And [00:24:00] the good news is that the conversations around sexual health are becoming more open and people are learning that communication matters and that pleasure is a part of the sexual wellbeing as a whole.

And that understanding our bodies isn't something to be embarrassed about anymore. And if anything. This conversation is a reminder that learning about sex doesn't stop. In high school, it didn't really start there either, and for many adults, the real education starts much, much later.