Episode: 78 - Pegging, Shame, and Why We're Still Afraid to Talk About It

Pegging is one of the most misunderstood topics in sexual wellness. 

In this episode, we're breaking down the myths, the stigma, how to bring it up with a partner, beginner tips, and why pegging has absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation.

Whether you're curious, skeptical, or just here for the conversation, we're diving into it all without the shame.

Transcript

Vicki 0:00

Today's episode is about something people whisper about, joke about, or flat out avoid, but almost nobody actually understands. We're talking about pegging. We're breaking down how to actually bring this up without detonating your relationship. And we're going to tackle the big one. Why this has absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation.

Coralie 0:28

This is Taboo Talk, not safe for brunch. I'm Coralie from Vancouver and I love digging deep and asking the questions no one will.

Amber 0:35

I'm Amber from Ontario. I'm blunt, cut through the fluff and get straight to the point.

Vicki 0:40

And I'm Vicky from Manitoba. I'm all about real connection because intimacy starts with trust. Let's get into it.

Coralie 0:47

Okay, so let's start with something real because this isn't just like a theory or TikTok chatter. I have this testimony that I want to read you that is an actual long-term marriage that found a way to evolve instead of break. And to be honest, like it's stuff like this that completely gave me a different viewpoint on pegging. So here's the testimonial. This is unchanged. It might be chained. I don't know. But and I just got this off of Reddit and I'll tell you where. To start our story, we've been married for almost 25 years. We are both conservative Christians. It started as a normal penis and vagina marriage. Well, well, early in our marriage, my wife went to one of those sex toy parties where she heard a sex tip, and for lack of better terms, it was the stinky pinky, and I ended up enjoying it very much. And that slowly evolved into buying a strap-on harness that we would use on special occasions, birthdays, anniversaries, and so on. Well, 10 years ago, my wife was diagnosed with severe endometriosis, only fixable by major surgery that we didn't want to go through, and we already had an alternative way to staying intimate. Some of our friends have found out about what we do over the years. They've asked why she doesn't just get the surgery. Well, that is nowhere near a guarantee that it will even work and it might even make it worse. So we're happy with what we have. She enjoys receiving oral. And to be honest, I enjoy being pegged as much, if not a little bit more, than I ever did, penis and vagina. The Lord has blessed us by keeping her endometriosis at bay long enough to give us children. He saw us through that season and set us up for the next season of deeper, more loving intimacy. So do I feel any guilt or shame around pegging? Not at all. In fact, I'm here praising the Lord that the maker made a way. So let's talk about it. And I want to tell you guys, I got that testimonial. If you are on Reddit and if you are curious at all, go to the Reddit sub. It's called Straight Pegging. And I'm assuming most of our listeners are hetero. And I feel like there's so much information out there about pegging, but it's not really geared towards hetero people. And so that's why I think this one is so great. That if you just go to that sub and search top posts, that will come up and you'll see the commentary under it. And, you know, what stands out to me about this is it's not about the pegging, it's about adaptability. So here's a couple that faced a medical challenge. They didn't default to sex being over. And instead, they redefined what intimacy looked like for them. And that's where a lot of people really skip over, you know? Creativity, creativity in the bedroom, right? Communication and a willingness to say, like, what else is possible here? What else is possible? And we also see this a lot when men have erectile dysfunction as they get older. You can still have an orgasm. It just doesn't involve the wiener, you know?

Amber 3:41

Yeah, yeah. I love, I love that story. I'm so glad that you found that. That is fantastic. Like, I just love how they evolved in their relationship when stuff was happening instead of like going, meh, I guess we just don't have sex no more.

Vicki 3:56

Yeah, I think you're right, Amber. That's the easy route is to just go, I guess we don't do that anymore. Yeah. Wait, what? No, we have so many ways to bridge any gap that might occur in the bedroom and to try something new. And I love that. That's it's such a great, great testimonial.

Coralie 4:12

Right? I think too, what's so great about it is the lack of shame around it. And that's what we all need. No matter who we are, no matter what our orientation is, there is nothing shameful about your body, about what hole you like played with, about who you're with, about where you do it, you know. As long as it's just you and your partner and everything is consensual, there should never be shame around it. And especially too, like some people when they're doing solo play, if they like it, you know, they're they'll feel shame about liking to have, say, a dildo up their butt while they're jacking off. What who's gonna shame you? You're alone, you know, it's so much internal stuff. But yeah, anyways, let's talk about. So if you're curious, if you're like, okay, I'm curious now, read this testimonial from the Lord. How do I bring this up? Okay. So let's talk about it if you are curious about it. And I'm gonna say, you know, listen to this whole podcast before you decide, but then circle back to the beginning, give it a rewatch and take notes on how to bring it up. So, first of all, pick a moment that isn't rushed or emotionally loaded. It's not gonna be in the bedroom when something isn't working. That is not the time nor the place, right? It's a casual conversation when there is no stress, when you're private, and lead with what's already working. For example, I love our connection and I want to explore more together. Like lead with things that you are loving. You know, this is like a maybe a little bit of a sandwich. You know, you're gonna start with the positive and the things that you're loving. Um, and be specific because no one is a mind reader, even if you've been together for decades, no one can read your mind. And you're not gonna read theirs either. Um, bring in something tangible to talk about. It can be an article, it can be a product, it can be listening to this podcast together. You know, bring in something where you can where you have something to talk about and you can both explore and learn together. And I don't mean exploring with your bodies, I mean the brain, the conversation. And then, you know, pause and actually listen to them. Like, say, what do you think about that and hear what they have to say? And I will say, if you are the woman bringing this up, a lot of times you might be met with a resistance, but no, that is society shame, societal shame, right? So it might be a little harder to work through that, but that's why you need to have the conversation in a not stressful environment when everyone's feeling good and you know, no one's there defending, no one's convincing. You're it's just information in a comfortable space.

Vicki 6:39

Yeah, I like that. And this communication style can work with absolutely anything, not just sex and relationships. It can literally work with anything that you need to bring up in conversation that you need to find a solution for or whatever. Use the sandwich, guys. It completely works because you disarm it, then you name it, and then you fix it or adjust it.

Coralie 6:58

I like adjustments, modifying. Right. Or even to the point about you know, not having the conversation in the bedroom, like after like a miserable time having sex. That's like if you and your partner are fighting about the grocery store budget, you don't fight about it in the grocery store, you know? No, you have a plan first and then you go to the grocery store. So yeah. Why do you guys think people are more awkward talking about it? How does it with the butt?

Amber 7:23

Right. And I mean, I think you said it societal, like that that shame, right? I think people just need to listen to more podcasts like ours. Yes.

Vicki 7:34

Yeah, and also not listen to all of the other rhetoric that they're hearing about, you know, that makes them feel that shame. We really need to disconnect ourselves in life in general from the things that make us feel bad about ourselves, what we're doing, and who we're with. Period. At the end of the day, we just need to figure that out for ourselves because we're probably holding ourselves back from a lot of stuff, just because what everyone else is thinking is more important.

Coralie 7:59

Yeah. I really like to you see this conversation going around on social media, not necessarily about this particular subject, but it could be used in so many different ways. And that is because you know, people just say things off the cuff like this thing has been a joke for 40 years. So, you know, someone brings it up, someone might be like, oh my God, that's good, or say something so stupid like that. And it's just like these off-the-cuff comments. And, you know, I love how when people say something like I've seen it more in examples of someone making a sexist joke, you know, oh, what do you mean by that? Like get curious about it and make them actually think, you know, like, what wait, what do I mean by that? Like, you know, that kind of puts people in the spot, and that's the sort of thing that's going to make them pause before they say it the next time, you know.

Amber 8:44

That really does help shift their people's mindset too, where it's like, I just said it because it's just a saying, or you know, right, yeah.

Vicki 8:52

Or even being that one person in the room or where there's a conversation where somebody is saying something to um almost elicit a shame experience. Um, and to be the person to sit back and go, yeah, so tell me why, tell me why you feel that way about that, right? Like you tell me why you're coming at it from that direction or why you're taking that spin on it. Have you ever tried it? Have you ever thought about it? Right. Like now you'll just be more thoughtful asking questions, and then you're putting somebody in a position where they were trying to poke fun and now they're answering a serious question as to why they are why they're poking fun about it. What are you what are your feelings and thoughts on that?

Coralie 9:27

Yeah, because if you went for like your immediate impulse, which might be something like what the ban or something like that, you're gonna put someone on the defense and no one is ever gonna learn. Right.

Vicki 9:37

Or if you know, silence is often experienced as consent. So it shouldn't be, but it can be. And if you just kind of put your head down and roll your eyes at some guy that's and I say guy in general, as some human that's just sort of you know talking about the size of their mouth, yeah, it's easy to put your fit, put your head down and just be like, No, say something. I like, I like to say something.

Coralie 10:02

I think we're all pretty, you know. Say something, we're say something kind of women. Maybe that's what we should have called the podcast.

Vicki 10:10

Say something. There you go.

Coralie 10:11

So once the conversation has happened, and let's, you know, just say for all intents and purposes, it does not crash and burn. The next question is now what? Because curiosity is one thing, but execution is another.

Amber 10:26

Yeah, because I mean, here's where people either overcomplicate it or go way too hard, way too fast. No pun intended. There is no gold medal for intensity here. This is about comfort, trust, and not ruining the vibe five minutes in.

Coralie 10:44

Right.

Amber 10:45

So, some practical tips here are you want to start small and allow confidence to build. You know, it doesn't arrive like fully formed, right? Especially if you've never ever tried anything like that before. Lube is non-negotiable. All right, non-negotiable. Like I see a lube in the background of Vicky's video. She's got the lube ready to go. And uh, you could add more lube too. So if you need to add more lube, don't hesitate. Add more. Okay, you're probably gonna need more again, you know, a little bit later on. Position matters. So some are just easier for beginners.

Coralie 11:22

Yeah, like missionary is gonna be a great position to start with. It's just like when we're talking to couples about experimenting with backdoor play, like you don't start in the doggy position, that's the sacrificial butthole position, you know. You gotta that is not until you guys are gold stars, until you get that gold star and you know what you're doing both ways. With complete trust. Exactly, complete trust. Because if you've never done it before, like you don't even know what your damage point is, you don't know where it's gonna hurt. So yeah, I say missionary or that sideways swooning thing that my body has never been able to do in any kind of sex. I don't know how people do that, but um, yeah, I would say anything but missionary or anything but doggy.

Vicki 12:05

The missionary allows for the eye contact too. So you're really um you're having a silent conversation while all of this is going on, and maybe you're having a verbal conversation at the same time, but it'll it's really easy to do some check-ins there and really make sure that everybody's comfortable with the way things are going.

Amber 12:21

And I think the sideways spooning too is allows you to go slow because it's not the easiest position. No, so it really does allow you to go slow, and yeah, even adding a little wedge pillow too if you're doing like missionary and stuff, and that might help with the positioning a little bit. But again, go slow. Good tips. Uh, communication juring really matters. So just as much as before, like when you're talking about it before, and then you decide, okay, this is where we're gonna go and we're gonna try this. Communication juring matters. So talk to your partner in the middle of it.

Vicki 12:53

Can I just tell you that the communication piece around trying something new and different in general, um, when you're not in a long-term relationship, it is often lost. I I am always wanting to broach that topic, but it's often lost with the other person. And it's more of a, well, let's try this, or we're in the moment and let's just do that, or whatever that looks like. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no. That's that's a conversation, you know. So I think that it's really important for everybody to understand that no matter what your relationship style is, the communication still has to exist. In fact, it almost has to exist more when it's a newer relationship or a casual relationship. Not saying that pegging is happening in a casual relationship. I mean it could be, but just in general, I think that the communication pieces, oh well, we all know how I feel about the C-word.

Amber 13:48

I think it's more important in a casual or, you know, new relationship because you don't know each other. Right. Also, when you're starting something new like pegging, you want to expect a learning curve. So, you know, you might laugh a few times, and that's totally okay. I honestly think laughing in the bedroom is so healthy and fun, and it just lightens the awkwardness.

Vicki 14:11

Yeah, it's my favorite thing. It is my favorite thing to laugh in the bedroom.

Coralie 14:16

Yeah, I think it's really bonding, and then you like have inside jokes, you know.

Amber 14:21

Yeah, exactly. Towels are probably a good idea to have a towel, have a we we even on our not say for brunch website, we actually have waterproof blankets rows that are freaking amazing. So yeah, grab one of those. They're really nice to lay on, they feel better than a towel. Yep. Also, you're gonna want to normalize that this might not be perfect the first time, the second time, or gosh, even the third time. Okay, that doesn't mean it's not for you. It just means that you're learning something new and give it some time. Seriously, like I say three. The rule of three, really important. Try something new three times. I'd have to agree.

Vicki 15:00

Right? Good, better, best.

Amber 15:02

Yeah. But even with all of this communication prep intention, there's still one thing that stops a lot of people cold. Not logistics, not skill, but fear. Specifically, what does this mean about him?

Vicki 15:19

Totally. Okay, so let's say this clearly because it needs to be said pegging does not determine someone's sexual orientation. All right. This fear that he'll leave me for a man, it isn't based on biology. It's based on it's all in misunderstanding. It's a terrible pool to live in. So enjoying a specific type of stimulation doesn't rewrite who someone is attracted to or who they are. Bodies have nerve endings. That's not political, it's not identity, it's just simply anatomy. So, what's actually happening? Let's talk about that. We've gendered pleasure in general. We have gendered pleasure as a whole. We've attached meaning where there doesn't need to be any, and we've made curiosity feel like a threat instead of an opportunity. And when that happens, people shut down parts of themselves, not because they don't want them, but because they're afraid of what it means. So, why do you guys think male pleasure is so restricted by social expectations? We've talked this dry, but let's go again.

Amber 16:22

You know, it's just it's wild to me because if they just tried it, I can almost guarantee you that at least, at least if they gave it a solid try, 80% or more would enjoy it.

Vicki 16:35

You know, and I will be honest with you, out of my clientele, the manliest men like the most interesting techniques.

Coralie 16:44

They're confident. Yes, yeah, they're manly, like they know what they like is not attached to their sexuality, and that is actually, in my opinion, the true definition of a man is someone who knows themselves, doesn't give a flying fuck about what anyone else thinks because they know their truth. That is hot.

Vicki 17:06

Yeah. Sign me up. I think that's great. Um, what do you think that we gain as a community just by loosening some of those rules, letting letting go of some of that that thought process?

Coralie 17:24

A lot happier, a lot of happier people. Can you imagine how great this world would be if there was no sexual oppression? Like I'm convinced that sexual oppression is the top reason for this shitty world we're in right now.

Vicki 17:39

Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just let go of the pressure of what everyone else is thinking. And I think you're right. I think that we would see huge changes. I think that we would see stronger men who were convicted in how they feel and what they want and their own pleasure. And you're right, that's hot stuff, man, all day long. How many people are quietly curious but never say anything? I mean, Amberthro, like 80% of men would probably be really, really happy.

Amber 18:07

I mean, I didn't say they were curious, but if they gave in to somebody's, you know, suggestion.

Vicki 18:14

Right. Right. And it can start slow, right? Like it could just be a little backwards, just a little touching. Try something different, use a little lubricant, inviting the opportunity for something different. That is that feels like a green light to a partner as well, I think. So, and I think that again, the pre-conversation outside of the bedroom is the most important one, as you talked about earlier, because it's going to set the stage. So if we zoom out, this conversation isn't just about pegging, it's about communication, flexibility, and being willing to question the rules. We didn't even realize that we were following.

Coralie 18:54

Absolutely. And I just want to say again before we close up, I want to plug the Reddit sub straight pegging, because I think, especially if you are someone who's curious, it's always, you know, you can read books, you can listen to this podcast, but talking to other people who are experienced or who are curious can be the most valuable conversation that you have, whether it's about pegging or anything else, you know, talking to other people who have lived it, who have walked the walk. And the beauty of Reddit is you can create a completely anonymous account. No one has to know it's you, like you can feel confident in that. You know, it's not like Facebook where you're like, wait, I thought this was a private group.

Vicki 19:39

Right. But it's baby steps, right? It's have the conversation, engage in some information, have another conversation. Like it's just little tiny steps to get to that place, and you just never know.

Coralie 19:52

Yeah. So let's just remember, let's take this away from this podcast episode. The couples that last aren't the ones who never ever face change. There's the ones, they're the ones who adapt when change happens. So sometimes people they don't consider pegging until a medical reason happens. Um, you know, you can you don't have to wait for that medical reason if you're curious. But that's when a lot of people do have that problem and they're adapting. So they're still happy, like the man I read about when we first started. And sometimes that looks like having those hard conversations. Sometimes it looks like trying something new. And sometimes it just means letting go of what you thought intimacy and sex looked like for you and your partner and building something better. If this episode made you think, made you question something, or even just feel a little less weird about being curious, share this with someone who needs to hear it or start the conversation with yourself. That's the most important one, really, to figure out why you would feel weird about it, why you would feel shame about it. Um, because silence is where most of this stays stuck and you deserve better than that. We all deserve better than that.

Amber 21:02

Thanks for pulling up a seat at the Taboo Talk, not safe for brunch table. If today's episode made you laugh, think, or squirm a little, do us a solid follow rate, and leave a review. It's the podcast version of a good tip.

Vicki 21:15

While we're unfiltered conversations, hit the link in the show notes and sign up for our weekly newsletter. It's the stuff that didn't make it on the air.

Coralie 21:22

Until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.