Episode: 80 - Bigger Isn't Always Better: What Really Matters in Bed

Does size really matter?

It's one of the most common questions people ask, but the answer is a lot more complicated than a simple yes or no. In this episode, we're talking about penis size, girth versus length, the impact of arousal, how porn has shaped expectations, and what actually creates great sex.

Spoiler alert: connection, communication, confidence, and paying attention to your partner matter a lot more than most people think.

Transcript

Vicki 0:00

Why are men so obsessed with penis size? Seriously. At some point, almost every guy has wondered if he's big enough. Every woman has been asked if size matters, and the internet has somehow turned the whole thing into a competitive sport. So today we're cutting through the myths, the bragging, and the insecurity. Does size actually matter? And if it does, how much?

Coralie 0:30

This is Taboo Talk, not safe for brunch. I'm Coralie from Vancouver and I love digging deep and asking the questions no one will.

Amber 0:36

I'm Amber from Ontario. I'm blunt, cut through the fluff and get straight to the point. And I'm Vicky from Manitoba. I'm all about real connection because intimacy starts with trust. Let's get into it.

Coralie 0:48

So before we get started, I got a puppy here. So if it's a little weird while I'm talking, we're just doing our best here, okay? We're doing our best. We're just living this life. I mean, he's kind of chunky. If we're talking about actual physical sensation, we have to get something straight. Girth and length are not created equally, right? Right. Right. So girth tends to matter more for a lot of women because the most sensitive part of the vagina is just on the inside, right? So you don't you don't have to go too far inside. So that's why a lot of us are like, doesn't matter if they're if they're a little shorter, because that's where all the pleasure is. So the pressure, the fullness, and the contact are often what drives that pleasurable sensation, not the depth. So the length has its place, like certain positions, certain bodies. And some people do prefer longer, like you know, with the cervical tap. Um, but it doesn't automatically mean more pleasure and it can actually be really uncomfortable. I actually hear that more from clients and just women over the years is that too long is not all it's cracked up to be. It's actually uncomfortable and can be painful. So we're being really honest here. It's less about how far you go and more about what's happening when you're doing it that actually counts.

Amber 2:10

Yeah. And we can, like if you find you do have a partner that's too long, um, head on over to our Not Safe for Brunch website because we have um sleeves that can work as a stopper. So like a little bumper kind of thing, right? So yeah.

Vicki 2:25

And then you get the full sensation. I'm a firm believer that we have a bridge for every challenge, right? And I don't want to say problem because I don't think it's a problem. I think it's a challenge. It depends on the two bodies, it depends on how they want to uh have intercourse and what that looks like, et cetera, et cetera. So it's just a it's just a bridge. We have a bridge. Yeah.

Amber 2:45

And when it comes to size or does size really matter, I mean, in reality, arousal really does change everything. And I mean, that's the part that I think gets overlooked consistently. And arousal just it's just a game changer when it comes to, you know, orgasm or pleasure and a full-body arousal responds differently. So the vaginal canal expands, lubrication increases, and that sensitivity shifts. So what feels good or doesn't can completely change depending on the level of the buildup and comfort. And this means that a smaller penis paired with a strong arousal can be just fine. Like the connection, the it can just be it, it'll be different if you were less aroused. Like, yeah, so yeah.

Vicki 3:36

Yeah, I mean, I think strong arousal uh attached to any body part is winner winner. We'll make it work.

Amber 3:47

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Um, arousal isn't a bonus though. That just it's foundational, that needs to happen, and without it, size becomes uh much bigger issue. So if you're just like trying to just get it done, size might be an issue. But all in all, I don't think size is an issue. I don't think it matters.

Vicki 4:07

No, and I mean I think that there are challenges when it comes down to somebody who may be more on the micro side. Um, but even then, we still have a bridge for that gap, right? Yeah. So there's a clear disconnect between what men think matters and what women actually experience. And many men have been conditioned to believe that size is directly tied to their masculinity, to their performance, desirability. It just becomes this measure of worth. But when you look at what women consistently report, the priorities tend to shift a little bit. Average to slightly above average is often preferred. Comfort matters, that makes a big difference. Emotional connection, as you mentioned, matters. That that connection is huge. And most importantly, penetration alone is not the primary source of orgasm for a lot of women, a very large percentage of women. So while the focus has been on size, the reality is that the most important factors are often being overlooked entirely.

Coralie 5:11

Yeah, and we really can't have this conversation without acknowledging a huge influence in our culture, and that is porn. Or if this is TikTok, corn, because that's what we have to say. Um, so it's created this really realistic, unspecific narrative that bigger is always better, that performance overrides connection. You know, but performance overrides everything, really. And that pleasure really looks one-dimensional in traditional porn. There wasn't the stuff that there is now back in the olden days where it was really women focused. Everything was focused on men's pleasure, not women's pleasure. So um, it's important to remember that porn is not education, it's entertainment. It's entertainment. And when porn becomes the baseline, it really distorts the expectation for everyone, for men and for women, because women were watching that too, thinking that's what sex was supposed to be like. And we were misled, right? We're like, wait a, wait a second, once we started doing it. This is not how it happens, or you think like something's wrong with me because that's not what it's like. It creates a lot of pressure when there really doesn't need anything, doesn't need to be any, and it shifts the focus away from what actually creates a really good experience. Yep.

Amber 6:25

Yeah, I think porn just, you know, it has its time and place, but I think it ruins a lot of things. Yeah.

Vicki 6:31

Yeah. And I going back to that perception is everything. And you know, we've talked about this on this podcast over and over again, like coming from the perspective of me re-entering the dating space, meeting new men, etc. etc. The belief systems that they have been led to believe all of these years through these 20, 25-year marriages, it's really, really interesting to encounter them in the wild because now I end up being the educator of that's actually not what works for me. I don't know, maybe that worked over there, but over here, yeah, there's a lot more connection that has to happen in order to make everything else work, right? Yeah. So yeah.

Amber 7:13

And when you strip everything back, the qualities that consistently define great sexual experiences have very little to do with size, right? Like communication, we talk about it all the damn time. It makes all the difference. Um, confidence without ego, you know, kick that, leave the ego outside the bedroom. Like, seriously, curiosity and willingness to learn, I think, is priority. Like, that should be like top with communication. Like, be willing to learn, be willing to listen to your partner, be willing to try new things, paying attention to your partner, clitoral, oral, and manual stimulation. Like, it's not all about penetration, like Vicky said. Most women need other stimulation, that clitoral stimulation. So the size doesn't matter when it comes to that.

Coralie 8:02

And really, like the more of all that other stuff you have, the more clitoral, the more oral, the more that the better the penetration is gonna feel. No matter the size.

Vicki 8:12

Yeah. I want to hop back up to the confidence without ego statement, I think was what you made. Um, I think that something can be transformational in the experience is to have the conversation. Wait a minute, I think that pops right back up to communication. Um, about consent, what you consent in for to um whether you have blanket consent with one another, what that looks like, because I think that also increases confidence, especially in this day and age and being in newer situations, especially because men are very cautious right now about leading with too much confidence because they're afraid that that can look like coercion. So I think that being able to say to somebody, hey, like I'm consenting to everything that's happening here, then it just turns into go time, which is really nice. Because the confidence then comes behind the consent, which I love.

Coralie 9:11

Yeah, absolutely. If you're comparing confidence and ego, I always say confidence or cockiness, you know, that's kind of how I refer to it. And if someone is asking, hey, especially to you, I mean, it can be super hot. Hey, can I do this to you? Do you want me to do this? Do you want me to touch your hair? Is it okay? Like that can be really hot, and it's freaking confidence to do that. It takes confidence to do that, whether because you're okay, like she might be like, Yeah, or like you know, a little to the left, whatever. But a cocky person would just start doing it because they would just assume, oh, I know best, I know best. That's cockiness. And that's actually too like you're moving then into is this consensual? So confidence, right? So hot. Confidence is sexy. That's what we need on t-shirts.

Vicki 9:59

Confidence is hot. Yes, yes, yeah. I love what you said about like, is this okay? Like, kind of doing those check-ins. I think that that's also equally as important because if I say yeah, no, I don't think we're there yet, and they course correct, I'm gonna get there really quickly. That's all I'm gonna say. Like, copy. You're right, yeah, yeah. Like if you can take instruction that way. Not really and it's right, no, and experience what I'm feeling and say, okay, got it, let me take a left. That's that's amazing. Like, that's just great communication, and that stuff, like Amber said, it's it makes such a big difference.

Amber 10:39

Yeah, I mean, these are the things that create connection, responsiveness, and real pleasure because great sex isn't about performing, it's about engaging. Engage with your partner, be there with them.

Vicki 10:51

Yeah. All right, so does size matter? Yeah, uh, preferences exist, bodies are different, compatibility is real. We've discussed that, you know, we have bridges for all of that, but size is just one piece of a much larger equation. It doesn't replace connection, it doesn't override skill, and it doesn't define somebody's ability to be a great partner.

Coralie 11:13

Is size is the only thing someone's relying on? They are already missing the point because the best lovers aren't defined by what they have, they're defined by how well they pay attention.

Amber 11:23

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