Episode: 84 - Female Masturbation: What Nobody Ever Taught You

Most women were never actually taught how their bodies work.

In this episode, we're talking about female masturbation, why so many women struggle with solo pleasure, and practical techniques that can help you enjoy your body without shame, pressure, or unrealistic expectations.

Whether you're completely new to exploring your body or you've been relying on the same routine for years, this conversation might change the way you think about pleasure.

Transcript

Vicki 0:00

Let's talk about something that most of us learned in complete silence and then were expected to master female masturbation. Because if you have ever been lying there thinking, is this it? Why does this only work sometimes? Or maybe you're thinking, Am I missing something? You're not broken, you're just underinformed. We were never taught how our bodies actually work. We were taught avoidance, shame, or nothing at all. So today we're fixing that.

Amber 0:28

I mean, nothing at all here. Nothing at all.

Vicki 0:31

Yeah.

Coralie 0:39

This is Taboo Talk, not safe for brunch. I'm Coralie from Vancouver, and I love digging deep and asking the questions no one will.

Amber 0:45

I'm Amber from Ontario. I'm blunt, cut through the fluff and get straight to the point.

Vicki 0:50

And I'm Vicky from Manitoba. I'm all about real connection because intimacy starts with trust. Let's get into it.

Amber 0:57

I think I feel like it was more of an accident kind of happened. They were like, wait, this feels good. Whoa, the shower head there felt real good.

Coralie 1:07

Yeah, I was all about independent research. Right? Yeah. I couldn't figure it out on my own until after I'd had an orgasm from someone else giving it to me. And then I did the, then I figured it out. But I have a very specific memory of being 16 years old and my parents having a barbecue, and I could invite my friend. So I invited my two best friends from high school over, and my mom's good friend had us chanting masturbation is your friend. Masturbation is your friend. And we still chant it. We still chant it.

Vicki 1:45

That's hilarious. So progressive.

Coralie 1:48

Yes, that was in 1991 or two.

Vicki 1:51

Yeah, now our kids have to put up with us. And that's probably exactly what we did too. We were like teaching masturbation because we knew it was important. Yeah.

Amber 1:58

Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, please use this toy.

Vicki 2:01

Yeah.

Amber 2:01

Yeah. On your own time in your room. So here's the issue: most women don't struggle because their body doesn't work, they struggle because they're in their head. They're rushing. Or they're repeating one method that only half works. Now, for me, let me just go out there. I have discovered I have aphantasia. This did not work for me for a very long time. I couldn't, I can't fantasize. I can't see pictures in my brain. I see nothing. So I needed actual porn. I needed some kind of music that I could relate to. Like it. So for anybody who's kind of like me, try those things.

Vicki 2:45

I love that you've brought that up because I think that that's something certainly that I never thought of because I have an incredible imagination and I can visualize and fantasize and I can see everything clear as day, sometimes in color. Like, you know what I mean? So I think that that's a really important piece because there are, I'm sure there's lots of women. Do you know what the stat is on how many women have aphantasia?

Coralie 3:06

I don't know about it. I think that I have like um mid-level because I see like concepts of things, but I don't really watch movies play in my head. You know, I don't see whole situations playing like I if I pictured like an apple in my head, it's it's like a concept of an apple.

Vicki 3:23

Wow. And you said apple, and I saw an apple.

Amber 3:26

Yeah. That's it, just fascinating to me because I never until I learned about this, I didn't realize. Um, so a lot of things have really come to light. And you know, when a partner would say, I know we're talking about masturbation, but when a partner would say, like, what do you want me to do to you? What are your fantasies? I got no fucking fantasies, dude. I have nothing in my brain.

Vicki 3:51

But when you say nothing, they're like, You must have something, right? What can I do? Because our assumption is that everybody else's brain sees and does and believes our so masturbation became really difficult, right?

Coralie 4:05

Well, I think too, if you have Afantasia, you can still have a good imagination. Like, because I think I have a pretty good imagination, but it's just not like a movie in my head, you know? It's like words, it's words. That's what's usually in my head is words. Nothing.

Amber 4:20

So yeah, no imagination.

Vicki 4:26

Excellent. All right.

Amber 4:31

And if your brain is busy running your life while you're trying to feel something, your body is not going to fully show up. And here's where my brain works, where when I'm ready and I'm good to go, I'm just I'm just kind of I'm present because I'm not thinking about a ton of things going on around me or what I need to do. Like it's just not there. Um, but arousal isn't a switch, and we all know that. Right. You got to kind of build up to it, which means if you're starting at zero and you expect instant results, you better have a good damn toy for one thing. But you know, it's it's gonna feel inconsistent. And I think setting the mood and setting the tone still needs to happen if you want masturbation to be awesome.

Coralie 5:19

Yes. I think too, like, you know, we talk about couples and we talk a lot of times about how women have all these tabs open in their brain and that you have to close the tabs for arousal. It's the same if you want to do it with yourself, like you still got to close the tabs, you know? Yeah, or like turn them off and put them away for the day. Yeah. So let's make this practical. Let's talk about some techniques here. Dig in, dig in deep because there's a lot you can do. First of all, start external. So if you are listening and not watching, Vicky has a giant clit out right now, not her own, it's a pillow, just to be clear. I'm sure hers isn't that big. Absolutely not. Can you imagine? Wow. Okay. We'd probably have more frequent orgasms if that was the case. But let's, yeah, let's so we're gonna start externally, okay? And that's where most of the sensitivity is for people who have vulvas. Um, and that's not like being basic, it's really just reality. Instead of going straight in, you know, you don't want to go right to the magic button, right to the clitoris. You don't want to go there. That's kind of like you wanna, you want to build there, right? So start lighter than you think, start further away and kind of work your way up, like get yourself, like make it into a process of arousing yourself and build it gradually. And don't do the same thing, like change your pattern before your body zones out. It's kind of like how when you're scrolling on TikTok and everything, you're kind of scroll, scroll, scroll, and then something, the hook on something just stops you. And so you shift, it's kind of the same thing, you know. You don't want to do the same thing, same thing. Do things that are going to switch things up so that your body doesn't zone out. And so you don't get bored because we can get bored with ourselves. Like, God, I am bad in bed with myself. Like, I'm boring, you know, you gotta keep it exciting. Well, you can also too play with pressure versus movement. I think that a lot of times we get focused on that there has to be this fast, fast movement or movement, movement, movement when really pressure is such a big thing for so many people. Sometimes your body does want the motion, and sometimes it wants the stillness and the pressure. And I think that's especially true when you start to go internal. And I don't think there's any point in starting to go internal until on the outside you're at the point where you're like practically begging for penetration, even if you're solo. You're like, oh my God, I really wish something was in there right now. That's when you're ready to go inside. Hold steady pressure instead of constant movement. They just did this whole mapping out of the clitoris. I don't remember the details off the top of my head, but I can get them. Um, where, you know, they verified that there's a lot of clitoral nerve endings on your like um, what's that area called your pelvic bone, like where all your pubic hair is, right? On your mom's pubis. On your mom's pubis, yes. If you have, say, some clitoral stimulation going on and then pressure on that, that can be so enjoyable. So enjoyable. So experiment with pressure externally, experiment with it internally. Switch between going slow, going fast. I think it can be really fun to go and get yourself like really riled up and then slow down. You know, get yourself riled up, slow down again. And let your body just edging yourself. Exactly. Exactly. And let your body move, let your hips move. Don't just leave it all up to your hands, you know. Let your hips move, like get into it. It's going to just wake things up even more and help you get more into it. And I think then too, you feel more erotic, I guess. It just feels more erotic and less like clinical, you know.

Amber 9:08

Well, and I mean, if you go onto our website, you'll find grinding toys. Absolutely. And if you want a toy that will allow you to just move your hips more, less hand movement, that's gonna do it for you.

Vicki 9:22

Yes, I think you're right. I think it is very clinical and it can be. It's more like I have to do this thing because I just need to get off, or you know, so we just go in for the kill on ourselves, right? Um, as opposed to taking the time and the energy and masturbating in different positions. And I mean, it's the only way that you train your body to enjoy maybe having an orgasm in a different position. Sometimes the best training is the stuff we do on our own, right?

Coralie 9:50

Yeah. That's not to say there's not a time and a place to have that quick two-minute orgasm, you know. The more you if you're like, holy shit, that's never happened to me. You haven't masturbated enough. You have to masturbate to where you get to know your body well enough where you can have a two-minute orgasm. It's probably going to involve a toy, but that's okay. Um, and that's okay. I always call those come like a man moments where you just need the release. But those other moments are so important too, especially, I think, in, you know, we haven't really been raised for this whole self-love thing, right? And we talk about self-love and loving yourself. But I think part, a huge part of that is loving your body, learning your body, knowing what your body can do. When you do that, you become more confident and then you have more self-love and more self-respect. So just deep thoughts from Corley. I love it.

Vicki 10:40

I'm here for every morsel of that.

Coralie 10:44

So yeah, like literally just change stuff, change stuff around, position, timing, speed. If you're watching porn, um, you know, there are some great uh women-focused porn. One great sub on Reddit. If you are on Reddit, go to the sub Chick Flicks F L I X X. It is porn recommended by women, which is very different than porn recommended by men, right? And you can learn a lot of things, be like, holy shit, I'm gonna try that, you know? And you can just, yeah, it's a great sub, let me tell you. So yeah, if you always do it the exact same way, your body learns that there's one path and it can make anything else feel like less responsive. So you're experimenting, you're not performing, and exactly like Vicky said, you have to train your body. And I think the more orgasms you have, the more orgasmic your body becomes. And it is a training. That's why I call it like you know, a lot of women that I've met, they're like, I've never had a G Spot orgasm or an internal orgasm. Like, okay, well, now you're entering G Spot Olympic training, and it's a training process, you know. It doesn't just happen the first time, like you have to train your body, and it just gets better. It just I've never, ever, ever had a woman say, Oh, I masturbated more and life got shittier.

Amber 11:58

Never happened.

Vicki 12:01

I can't imagine that ever happening.

Amber 12:03

Right.

Vicki 12:04

True story. Oh my gosh. I want to talk about the biggest block of all, your brain. This is where most people lose their momentum. It, you know, it's just you get right near the end, you're close, and then suddenly your brain jumps in with like, why is this taking me so long? What why isn't it happening? What am I doing wrong? What did I, you know, it is this not for me? I even had one client tell me that she didn't think she could have orgasms. And I was like, whoa, talk about going back to the Olympic training on that, right? So, and just like that, you're out. Your brain is in, your body is out, and you're kind of done. So you want to stay with the sensation instead of chasing the result. Don't worry so much about um the end game. And we've talked about the end game a lot, that sometimes that actually isn't even necessary. It's more of the does this feel good? What is the journey like? So uh don't suddenly speed up out of panic. If that doesn't feel right to you, don't do that. Just breathe through it, let it build, do the things. Breathing is a big damn deal, so it really can help you um to just sort of stay in that gear. Um, the second you switch into goal mode, your body just completely taps out. It just is like because we do that whether we're on our own or with a partner, right? As soon as soon as we get our brain to the finish line and we feel like we're never getting there, it's we're over, right? It's good or done. Pleasure works better when it's allowed and not forced. Yeah.

Coralie 13:33

It ties into what we were saying at the beginning about making sure all the windows are closed, you know, all the tabs are closed so that you can be present.

Vicki 13:41

Absolutely. Um, and I think that again, you said practice. Practice makes progress, it helps us to learn uh what our body likes, what we what it responds to. And that's also the only way that we can take that into a relationship, into a partnership, and share what our needs look like. It's really, really hard to be descriptive of how your body responds affirmatively when you don't have a hot clue. So yeah. So this is homework.

Amber 14:09

Yeah, and if you're anything like my brain, right? You you need you need the external stimuli, you know, the sound, the smell, dim lights, like you need all of that external stimuli because your brain can't bring out your own fantasies or your own pictures or your own anything else. So that helps a lot.

Vicki 14:31

Let's talk about location, location, location, location.

unknown 14:35

Right?

Vicki 14:36

Um, you know, I think that a lot of uh people often think I'm just gonna do this in the bedroom or I'm just gonna do this wherever. If you have to engage porn for ideas, give her weed that's exactly what that's there for. Uh, but also think about the relaxation techniques, the bath or the shower, using water uh-proof toys. Um, really, really allow your body to feel and experience um, you know, hot water, cool water on your body. You can stimulate other places on your body that will really kind of get everything else going as well. So be a luxurious lover to yourself. And then if you decide to translate that into a partnership, do that. But I think that we need to become the lover for ourselves that we're looking for somebody else to provide because we do have to teach somebody how to make us feel that way.

Coralie 15:30

Yeah. Yeah. I love that. So, one thing I think that should be considered as well, if you are someone who has experimented with yourself or you masturbate consistently, or you try to, or you are inspired to after this, and you notice sometimes it's going great and sometimes it's not. Pay attention to your cycle. Pay attention to where you're at in your cycle, because that can make a huge difference in your arousal state, in how you feel, because there's one part of your cycle where your certain vaginal canal is smaller and then it elongates. I think it elongates around ovulation. So that can make a difference in um in how the sensation is for you and what sort of touch you like. So just if you notice, oh my God, that was the best session ever. Look at what's going on. Where am I at my cycle? What's my stress level like? You know, is there anything else going on in the world so that you know what stars you need to align to have a good time? And you know, when the stars aren't aligned, like what you might need to do. Or when you um, you know, are at that phase right before your period's about to start. Maybe that's when you need to add a libido gel or something like that. You know, just it's really important to just pay attention to yourself and what's going on because you will notice patterns. You will notice patterns.

unknown 16:49

Yeah.

Amber 16:50

Well, and not only that, not only your cycle, but medication. Absolutely. Yeah, you're on certain medications that could affect it. So definitely look into that. And you I think your body reacts to your medications. I mean, you might think, well, I've been on this for 10 years, or I've been on this for so long.

Vicki 17:06

It your body changes. Yeah. And there is no shame in that enhancement game. So don't be afraid to ask us for if you've got questions, hop on our website, send us a message. We're that's we're here to help, right? And uh yeah, no, no shame in the enhancement game.

Coralie 17:22

And also, too, if you are on, you know, some of the big things that cause libido issues or arousal issues are antidepressants and anti-anxieties. Um, my doctor put me on an antidepressant last December. I can't remember what it's called now, but it starts with an L. And my vagina went into a coma. There was no amount of arousal gel that was waking her up. And fortunately, I had a conversation, we switched meds, everything's good. If that's happening to you, and you haven't tried other options, other medications, it's okay to say, Hey, yeah, like my anxiety's gone, but I can't come. Help me out. Like they can switch around. And if that ends up being the only medication that keeps your brain in check, that's you know, you got to do what you got to do to live your life. But there's no shame in saying, well, it works, except now I have no sexual desire at all, because that affects your mental health too, right? And that can affect your relationship and blah, blah, blah. So there's no shame in saying that to your doctor. And if your doctor makes you feel shame for it, might be time to consider a new doctor. Absolutely. 100%. Even though that's really hard here in Canada to get a new doctor.

Vicki 18:35

Yeah, switching docs is not easy, but it also puts you could just be put in a position where you have to be very forceful and advocate for yourself. And sometimes that's just what we have to do.

Coralie 18:45

Yeah. I'm so grateful that my doctor takes that stuff seriously. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. At the end of the day, there isn't a correct technique. There's just what works for you, what doesn't, and what you haven't tried yet. And the more you understand that, the more confident you become, not just on your own, but in every other part of your sex life too. So consider this your permission to get curious and maybe retire that one move you've been relying on since 2006. You don't want to end up with like hand cramp, you know, the claw. So if this episode made you rethink your routine or realize you might be stuck in one, send it to a friend who needs to hear it too. Thanks for filling up a seat at the Taboo Talk, not safe for brunch table.

Amber 19:26

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Vicki 19:36

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Coralie 19:43

Until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.