Episode: 87 - 6 Simple Ways to Bring Back the Romance (and the Sex)

Think better sex starts in the bedroom? Think again.

This week we're talking about six simple habits that help couples reconnect, rebuild intimacy, and bring the spark back into long-term relationships. From flirting during the day to reducing stress, date nights, affectionate touch, and actually talking about sex, these small changes can make a big difference.

Whether you've been together for two years or twenty, this episode is packed with practical ideas you can start using today.

Transcript

Vicki 0:00

When people say they want more sex, what they usually mean is they want more connection. Because here's the thing: most couples don't stop having sex because they don't love each other. They stop flirting, they stop dating, they stop paying attention. Then one day they're lying in bed wondering where the spark went. So, in honor of National Romance Awareness Month, we're talking about six simple things that can help bring back both the romance and the sex. And nope, none of them involve rose petals on the bed.

Amber 0:29

Thank God.

Vicki 0:31

Totally no performative.

Coralie 0:41

This is Taboo Talk, not safe for brunch. I'm Coralie from Vancouver, and I love digging deep and asking the questions no one will.

Amber 0:47

I'm Amber from Ontario. I'm blunt, cut through the fluff and get straight to the point. And I'm Vicky from Manitoba.

Vicki 0:54

I'm all about real connection because intimacy starts with trust. Let's get into it.

Amber 0:59

One of the biggest myths we buy into is that desire just magically appears at bedtime. And for many people, especially women, desire starts hours before anyone takes their clothes off. I'm a true believer in desire starts in the morning.

SPEAKER_02 1:15

Agreed.

Amber 1:16

You know, start to flirt again with your partner. Um, send text messages during the day that are flirty, that are fun. I think Corley, you guys do that.

Coralie 1:25

Oh, yeah, I call them sexy texts and yeah, you know. It's foreplay.

Amber 1:31

Yeah, there's so much foreplay that needs to happen long before. Um compliment each other, tease each other, create that anticipation again. You know, a lot of times we'll get into our routines and go, oh my gosh, I wish it was like when we first got together, you know, all the sparks, all the things, all the it's just it's more exciting, right? And then we get into these routines together and we're in these long-term relationships, and we just it's almost like we forget to connect and flirt and do the things with our partner.

Vicki 2:05

Yeah, I, you know, life happens, right? And I think that what happens is that it is just something that we used to not have to schedule in because it was natural. And I think that people get really weird about making a note, like, oh, I have to do this, or remember to text. It's the little things like that. It's okay. If you have to put that in your calendar so you remember to send a sexy text, then do that, right?

Amber 2:31

Like, whatever that looks like. So flirt again was number one. Number two is much more without pressure. And I don't know about you, but there have been times in my life where my like my husband, my partner touching me would just automatically mean they want to have sex. It was just like, you know, oh, if they massage or they just give you a hug, or they like it just felt like it was always needed to go that route. And if that's the case, if you're feeling that way, you need to have a conversation with your partner. Yeah. Like, and I don't think that it always needs to, you know, go right into sex or whatever, but touch more without pressure, meaning like hug longer, hold hands when you're walking down the street, sit closer together, like instead of on either end of the couch because the end tables are there or something. You know what I mean? Like, sit closer together, cuddle. Um, kiss, hello, and goodbye. And this that's one of the things my husband and I have never stopped doing.

Vicki 3:32

I love that. Yeah, I'm a huge proponent for all of those things. In my friend group, we've been talking a lot more lately about, and again, we're in our 50s, but we've been talking a lot more about how men touch to get to sex. Um, and women need touch to feel appreciated, loved, cared for, whatever, whatever those underlying um emotions are, which will then lead to sex, but possibly. However, I think that a lot of women feel like they just want to be touched for the sake of feeling desired and cherished and appreciated.

Coralie 4:06

Well, I also think, too, what's really common, especially, you know, if you've raised kids, is you're overtouched, right? Your kids are always touching you. Like it's it seems like for a few years there that the only reason someone's touching you is because they want something from you. And so then if your partner is touching you and you're not feeling like this is anything other than a ploy to get sex, it's gonna build up resentment, right? So that touch is, I think it's one of the most important things in a marriage, in a long-term marriage, is having, you know, your partner be able to touch you without you feeling that it's just because they want something. And for you to be able to understand that, hey, someone just wants to touch you because they love you, not because they want something from you, you know? And yeah, we're like, I just can't handle it. I can't handle another fucking touch.

Amber 4:59

You've been there, okay? And research does show that affectionate touch increases bonding hormones like oxytocin and can help couples feel more connected. And let me preface this by saying the slap on the ass when you're walking down the hallway or whatever, that's not affectionate touch. Just no, that's always sex. Um, so what forms of non-sexual affection do you think make people feel desired? People? I I don't know.

Vicki 5:34

But if you touch my hair, just touch my hair, whether it's just touching it, the any of that, that makes me feel connected instantly. Interesting.

Coralie 5:49

Yeah, I would say you're driving in the car and your honey puts his hand on your thigh.

unknown 5:55

Yeah.

Coralie 5:55

Like, especially because then you can play, but you can't really do anything about it. You know, that's fun.

Vicki 6:05

Yeah, there's something about that knee touch when you're driving. Um, I've most recently had an experience of the calf touch when on a on a motorcycle. Wow. Why? Why? I don't understand. Do you guys have you guys ever ridden on the back of somebody's motorcycle? Why? Why is that? I don't know.

Coralie 6:26

Well, my husband rides, and uh, I've been on the back of his motorcycle, but it it's not much in him. He also drives like a you know, it's a very fast bike, and it's just yeah. When he's like, you know, goes down to something a little slower. I said, I'll take a recliner on the back, you know, like full grandma's recline. That's funny.

Vicki 6:47

Anyway, just a thought. I was like, mm, that I've forgotten.

Amber 6:52

Yeah. I think I think for me it's it's the like arm around the shoulder, the like that kind of closeness pulling you in without like a full-on hug, but like a yeah, especially when you're out in public and stuff, it's like it just it adds to that desire. But I think you know, the three of us have such different things. I think this becomes a conversation. Yeah, back to that.

Coralie 7:17

You know, another thing too is when you're in a crowd or somewhere and they're just touching the small of your back and sort of guiding you now. That has to be your partner. Some fucking random weirdo man does that in public. That is assault.

SPEAKER_02 7:30

Like, or for you, no, don't do that on a first date.

Coralie 7:32

Yeah, no, that happened to me one time, and I was like, Oh, yeah, no, it takes a lot to get to that, okay?

SPEAKER_02 7:39

Yeah, yeah, that's not first date. She has to feel safe, yeah, first, make her feel safe first. Too funny.

Amber 7:49

Why do you think that so many people stop doing these things after years together? Routine.

Vicki 7:55

Yeah, routine complacency, you know, and again, I don't think it's intentional. No, yeah. No, like I really don't think it's intentional. I think that marriages and relationships fail because people just forgot how important that was. I also think that, you know, the whole men relate differently, etc. I think that they do some things in order to get the girl, to get the person. Um, and then I think that it kind of falls to the wayside a little bit because the chase when the chase is over. Do you know what I mean? Um, and I think that some of that has to go away. We can't keep up that level of for, you know, forever. But I think that there are some really integral pieces there that need to remain and and have to just have to be really cognizant of in order to remember to do it.

Coralie 8:45

I just had a both ways. Also, sorry, both ways. No, for sure. Um, I had a thought that came to my head as you were explaining that, you know, we hear about these things happening in the world, like um, you know, general accidents, whether it's recreationally or work accidents, where it turns out that nothing failed, nothing went wrong. What happened was people didn't do the proper safety checks because they've been doing the thing for years, right? They've been doing the thing for years, and you know, maybe cut started cutting corners here and there because, you know, I've been doing this for years. I know my shit, it's working fine. And then one day you cut the corner a little too much, and whatever it is you're doing fails, right? And that's how acts there's been accidents, there's been deaths from that. I think that's like kind of an analogy for this, right? It's like you've been together so long, you're cutting corners, you're doing things easier, and the thing that ends up dying is your relationship.

Vicki 9:39

So great analogy.

Coralie 9:43

Absolutely. Yep. Bottom line is Hollywood has done us real dirty, really dirty. We've been taught that it's all supposed to just happen naturally, it should come easily, it's not something we have to think about, um, and that it's something that we should just expect as well, you know, and real life is very, very different. So, number three on our list of six is date nights still matter. Okay. Studies consistently show couples who continue to, you know, date each other, they have a higher relationship satisfaction. And it doesn't mean it has to be expensive. You can do simple things like going for a walk for ice cream, coffee date. You can have a picnic in your backyard or just set up a like romantic dinner in your backyard, light some candles, whatever, or even at home once the kids are in bed, if you still have little ones, you can have a board game night, you can do um lunch dates. That's what my husband and I often do, because like we don't want to go out at night, you know. So we'll go for a lunch date, or we'll go for um happy hour, or we'll go, you know, on a night hike on a nice trail around here in the middle of the day. Um, and those things are all cheap or free, you know, so you don't have to make it this super big expensive thing. What are your guys' favorite things to do for a date that don't cost a shit ton of money?

Amber 11:01

Honestly, we we like in the summertime, we like to yard sale. Oh, that's fine. Um yeah, yeah, or just take a drive. Uh we go fishing a lot. So, like in the summertime, if we're out on a boat, we're we're talking. There's nothing else that's happening other than us being together. So that I think those are my favorite. Yeah.

Vicki 11:22

I'm not cohabitive. So um having somebody here and cooking a meal together, uh, you know, everybody has to eat. So, you know, it's not that it's costing you more money, you're just literally using what you have. But um, I love the idea of being collaborative together. It really helps you uh learn one another in a different uh venue, really. So I that's that's one of my favorite things.

Coralie 11:45

Yeah, learning stuff together is fun or working together, you know. Yeah. Okay, number four would be sharing something new, like experiencing something new together, which is also great with the collaborative stuff because experiences can trigger some of that excitement that you had when your relationship was new, right? It's brand new. Neither one of you have done this before, like take a pottery class or ballroom dancing or whatever it is. Um, but you're going to just reignite all those, you know, new feelings and you're experimenting and you're learning together. It can be a great time. You can also, you know, find a new trail, um, learn something new together. Like grab Duolingo and decide you're gonna learn French because you're going to Paris in a couple of years or take a cooking class. Like there's so many different things that you can do together. Think of the things that you guys wanted to do when you were really young and didn't have the money to do. That's what you go and do.

Amber 12:41

Yeah. Do one thing that your partner loves or is really interested in. Do one thing that you're really interested in. Um, I think it's really important to experience the things that your partner really enjoys, even if it's not hugely your thing. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did a pottery class. I'm not taking that. Oh, I'm not doing that. But we did. We went, we didn't like make anything in the end. Like it was just to kind of get to know the wheel, whatever. But it was fun. It was a fun couple of hours.

Coralie 13:13

We had a good night, and uh yeah, we laughed a lot. Cool. It was good. Did you have a little? I guess you didn't if you make anything, but were you hoping for like a little Demi Moore, Patrick Swayze?

Amber 13:22

Well, but I mean, we talked about it because Paul was the only guy in the class.

Coralie 13:26

So that's awesome. That is awesome. When was the last time that you guys did something with a partner for the first time? I mean, Vicky, you you're like, you're living this life. Doing all the first. It's all first time.

Vicki 13:41

It's all first time, yeah. So when you're dating, everything is is first time. But yeah, no, I think that the biggest part, especially in dating, is um embracing every uh time that you do something together. Because I do think that it is, as you said, it's very telling. You learn a lot about one another, you learn a lot about senses of humor, boundaries. Like I yeah, I'm always learning.

Coralie 14:06

I would say the last thing that we did that we um was something we were learning together was fixing the plumbing in the upstairs bathroom. So romantic, but we were on the YouTubes watching all the things because you didn't want to play, pay a plumber to come over and just do something that was like beep and give us a $200 bill.

Vicki 14:32

Right, right, you could do it together, so you did do it together.

Coralie 14:36

I think that's a growth opportunity for yeah, it's just fun, it's predictable because my husband gets frustrated really easily, and then I just tease him a little bit, and it becomes kind of hot, really, to be honest.

Vicki 14:51

Something new that happened to me recently was uh this guy that I'm seeing, he asked me to plan the date. Oh, and I'm not accustomed to that. That's not in my wheelhouse. I'm accustomed to uh not being an equal opportunity date planner. I felt a lot of pressure around that to plan a good date, and uh it was super fun. We had a good time, but um yeah, that was new. So challenging one another is is another way to sort of create some of that connection.

Amber 15:26

Paul and I always try to do, like, especially if we were going on vacation and stuff, we try to do something different or something we've never done. Um, actually, when we were at Coral E's, we went whale watching and uh it was it was a lot of fun. Yeah, and that wasn't something you were interested in initially? I was interested in it 100%.

Vicki 15:46

He was like, Yeah, I'll go, it'll be cool. Yeah, but well, and I mean, and that's the thing, right? Sometimes we're making sacrifices for the other person's um pleasure for their for what they're desirous of of experiencing in and out of the bedroom, but in general, I mean that's just another experience where you've gone, yeah, you know what, I'm gonna do this thing because this is really important to you. Yeah, yeah.

Amber 16:07

Well, and when we go on vacation, like I was always fine just hanging out on the beach, but he was always wanting to go and do like all the things. So if anything, he pushed me to do all the things, and man, did I enjoy it. So, like, I think it's important that you push each other to do things. Yeah, I agree.

Coralie 16:22

Even when you're making time for each other, there's still this one thing that always can, you know, be lurking there for couples and kill a lot of the desire, and that is something we all experience, and that's stress.

Vicki 16:35

So, number five is reduce relationship stress because nothing kills sexy feelings faster than resentment, a mental overload, and feeling unsupported. So, is your partner carrying an invisible workload? That's something to really ask yourself. What is what does it look like on the other side of the equation, right? Um, household responsibilities, childcare, emotional labor, scheduling everything. Um, certainly in new relationships, it's about, you know, how invested is each person? What does that look like? We have to look at every situation from the outside in sometimes, not just from where we're standing.

Amber 17:19

Yeah. I think a really good way to do this, especially if you've been with your partner for a long time, and if they seem a little overwhelmed or stressed, ask them what is one thing I can take off your plate today that would help you.

Vicki 17:35

Yeah, what would make a difference?

Amber 17:38

Like, you know, they may just say, Oh my gosh, can you just pick the kids up here? Oh my gosh, can you, you know, yeah, run and do these groceries? Like, yeah, can you please go mow the lawn?

Coralie 17:50

Yeah, yeah, great.

Vicki 17:51

Like, can you just whatever? Yeah, whatever, sure. Yeah, I'll do the thing. Yeah. The second I think we feel like we're collaborative all of a sudden, and it's it's for the greater good. Yeah, we feel way more motivated.

Coralie 18:02

You could even too, if you're getting ready for something or whatever, and you were thinking, like, I'm gonna mow the lawn, you could even say to your partner, like, hey, this is what I was thinking of doing, but is there anything you'd rather me do instead to make it easier for you? Because I think there's just this big disconnect between men and women and you know, the getting shit done and and how it gets done. And I think a really good way to think about it is if one person in the party was overwhelmed and was like, Oh my god, I have so much to do. And it's like, okay, well, I'll go get the groceries, but you got to think about what goes into getting the groceries. First of all, you have to look and see what you have. Then you have to think about okay, what is our meal plan for the next however many days you're getting grocery shopping for? And figure out what you have, what you don't have, what you need to buy. You might need to check the flyers to see where the best deal is. You know, you got to make the list. Like, so it's not just getting groceries, like, think about the mental work that goes into everything. And I think if everyone could think of the mental work that goes into the things that their partner does around the house, it would give you a whole different respect and idea for what they're going through, especially because things like, you know, dishes have to be done daily, but mowing the lawn, like maybe once a week in the summer, maybe, you know.

Vicki 19:11

Yeah, you this reminds me of a story, and I'm gonna share it because uh when I was a new mum and I was home all day, and you you guys remember what that was like, you know, you're doing all the things and you're just completely drained. And I remember living it right now. You're living it now, totally. And I remember um their dad came home at the end of the day, and uh he immediately jumped into action and started prepping to wash the dishes, which was just like this this mound of dishes. And I remember I definitely raised my voice, and I don't know if he ever watches this episode, but he'll laugh because he'll remember it. And he looked at me and he was like, What am I doing wrong? You know, and I was just like, I need to wash the dishes.

SPEAKER_02 20:00

I like all I wanted to do is be like a human being instead of feel like a mom, right?

Vicki 20:05

So um he took the baby and off he went. And I didn't see them for the next hour, and I cleaned the kitchen and I felt like a human being again. But he had no way of knowing that. Yeah, you know, this poor band.

SPEAKER_02 20:18

He was just like, holy shit, I gotta do these dishes. Meanwhile, I was just like, if you touch those dishes, I might murder you. Take the baby.

Vicki 20:28

But uh, I think, but again, that's just one of those things that you're just learning, and and that changes throughout your lives together, right? Okay, let's hit number six. Talk about sex. My favorite thing in the world. This sounds obvious, yet many couples will discuss mortgages, children, retirement renovations before they'll even discuss what they actually enjoy sexually. So we just get all of the boxes ticked, right? So some conversation starters might help, like uh, what helps you feel desired? What turns you on outside of the bedroom? What would you like more of? What are we doing well? Research consistently finds that couples who communicate openly about intimacy report greater sexual satisfaction. Do you guys remember one time we had a speaker at an event we were at, and he talked about how at the end of every day he said on a scale of one to ten, how good of a husband was I today? And while I think that's a little performative, and I I but I get the point behind it. I got the gist of that. Yeah, like I think that that's such a really cool way to be like, how did I show up for you today? How could I have been better? Right? On both sides, again, we're not talking about this being one-sided only. How can I show up better for you today if I haven't? If I didn't hit a 10, which most of us are never hitting a 10, right? What could I have done differently? So I just love that because that is a conversation that creates that consistent communication. And I never want to be in a space where somebody feels afraid to tell me what they're thinking or feeling for fear of my reaction. That's really important to me. I never ever want to live in that space. So that open dialogue is always going to live in a space of not being judgmental, but being forward-moving.

Amber 22:18

I think this talking about sex can be difficult for some people. Um, sure. I think it's it can be an awkward conversation for some people. And if you're finding that, and I don't think that you should maybe start this conversation like in the bedroom. I feel like you can start this conversation when you're driving in the car. You don't have to look at each other. Yes. Um, but yeah, like if you just want to bring some things up or have some different conversations, I think it's really important. Like, hey, um, so last week when we did this, like you know what I mean? Like, I just feel like it's important to have those conversations and always start with the positive.

Coralie 22:59

Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amber 23:02

Amber's writing that down.

Vicki 23:07

Yeah, yeah, I agree. I mean, listen, guys, we talk about the sex decompress all the time, but we should we we need to also, and I think we've done an episode on it, like it's a relationship decompress. What's working, what's not working, how do we adjust, what do we modify, where do we course correct, da-da-da-da-da, what do we do more of because we're doing that really, really well, right? So it's that same thought process when we're talking about sex and relationships and how we make people feel, and how we make people feel is really important.

Amber 23:34

So, if today's episode proves anything, it's that better sex rarely starts with a new position. It usually starts with connection, a longer kiss, a text message, a date night, a little less resentment, a little more effort. Because romance isn't really about these grand gestures, it's about making your partner feel seen, appreciated, wanted, and important. And when people feel connected, the sex part often becomes a whole lot easier. Thanks for filling up a seat at the Taboo Talk, not safe for brunch table. If today's episode made you laugh, think, or squirm a little, do us a solid follow rate, and leave a review. It's the podcast version of a good tip.

Vicki 24:19

While we're unfiltered conversations, hit the link in the show notes and sign up for our weekly newsletter. It's the stuff that didn't make it on the air.

Coralie 24:27

Until next time, keep it bold, keep it curious, and definitely keep it not safe for brunch.