Episode: 88 - NSFB Quicky: 7 Ways to Increase Desire (Without Blaming Each Other)

Low libido isn't just one person's problem. It affects both partners, and the conversation often turns into blame instead of understanding.

In this NSFB Quicky, Amber shares seven practical ways couples can reconnect, reduce pressure, and better understand what's really behind a changing sex drive. From stress and sleep to responsive desire, flirting, and communication, these are simple changes that can make a big difference.

Transcript

Amber 0:00

I'm gonna ask you a really awkward question. Have you ever climbed into bed and secretly hoped your partner wouldn't make a move? Not because you don't love them, not because they're unattractive, you just weren't feeling it. Or maybe you're on the other side of this. Maybe you're the one lying there wondering why your partner never seems interested anymore. Maybe you've even caught yourself thinking, are they not attracted to me anymore? Did I do something? What's changed? If either of those sounds familiar, today's episode is for you. When one person's libido changes, it doesn't just affect one person, it affects the relationship. And I think that we've been having the wrong conversation about low libido for years. We either blame the person who doesn't want sex or we dismiss the partner who feels rejected. Neither one is helpful. So today, instead of talking about who's right and who's wrong, I want to talk about seven things that can actually help. Things that can increase desire, improve connection, and hopefully help both of you understand each other a little better. I'm Amber and welcome to this week's Not Safe for Brunch quickie. Number one, stop treating stress like it stays outside the bedroom. I don't think we give stress enough credit for how much it affects our sex lives. When your brain is busy remembering appointments, paying bills, worrying about work, figuring out what's for supper, and trying to remember if you switched the laundry over, it's really hard to suddenly become this carefree, passionate person the second your head hits the pillow. And before anyone says, well, stress doesn't affect me like that, it affects people differently. Some people crave sex when they're stressed, others completely shut down. Neither response is wrong. If you're the one with the lower libido, ask yourself honestly, what has your stress looked like lately? Has something changed? Work, kids, money, hormones, your health? Now, if you're the higher libido partner listening to this, this is your part. Instead of asking, why don't you ever want sex anymore? Try asking, what can I take off your plate? Because sometimes the sexiest thing that you can do has absolutely nothing to do with the bedroom. Sometimes it's making dinner. Sometimes it's putting the kids to bed. Sometimes it's unloading the dishwasher without even being asked. Now I know the joke of doing something without being asked gets thrown around a lot. But there's actually truth behind it. Feeling supported reduces stress. Less stress leaves more room for connection. That's not manipulation, that's a partnership, you guys. Number two, stop waiting to magically feel horny. This one, honestly, blew my mind at first, but once I learned more about it, not anymore. And most of us grew up thinking desire works like it does in the movies, right? You look at your partner and cue the romantic music, and suddenly you're ready to rip everybody's clothes off, right? That's not real life. Not so much anyway. Researchers actually talk about something called responsive desire. For a lot of people, especially in long-term relationships, desire doesn't show up first. Connection does. You laugh together, you cuddle, you kiss, you spend uninterrupted time together. Then the desire starts building. When I learned that, I remembered thinking, so I'm not supposed to randomly feel horny while folding towels. Good to know. Now, this is really important though, because responsive desire does not mean forcing yourself into sex that you don't want. Not even close. It simply means that some people need connection before desire shows up. So if you're the partner with the lower libido, that might take a huge weight off your shoulders. If you're the partner with the higher libido, maybe don't assume a lack of immediate enthusiasm means rejection. Sometimes your partner's body just works differently than yours. That one realization alone can completely change how couples talk about intimacy. Number three, both partners can help create opportunities for rest. Take a damn vacation. Mexico didn't fix your hormones. You finally got eight hours of sleep. Now you don't need Mexico or a vacation to get sleep. You just genuinely need to make this a priority. When you are sleep deprived, you really aren't gonna be into it. I'm telling you. Find ways to get extra sleep. Number four, bring back flirting, not sex, flirting. Okay, laughing, dating, touch that doesn't always lead somewhere for both partners. All right. You don't have to jump into the sack every time you touch each other. Number five, rule out medical reasons. And I know there could be medical reasons that are causing a low libido, and there are support and help for that. So it could be uh perimenopause, it could be birth control or other medications, low testosterone, depression, pain. Don't assume it's just age, though. All right, you want to rule out any kind of medical reason that might be happening. Once you've done that, start working on the other stuff. Number six, take the pressure off. The pursue and withdraw cycle. Every hug doesn't need to become so wanna go upstairs? Pressure almost never creates desire. Safety often does. And number seven, talk about it before you're angry. Instead of why don't you ever want sex? Ask what helps you feel close to me, or what's changed for you? Or what can we work on together? Because this isn't your problem or their problem, right? It's it's a relationship hiccup. It's something that is going on between the two of you. And sometimes one of you may be less libido than the other at one point, and then later on in life, somebody else might have the lower libido, and you this person's higher. It ebbs and flows, right? And it's something that you're gonna solve together in your relationship. So you wanna be able to have those conversations without blame, without, well, you never initiate. I'm gonna stop initiating. Do you know what I mean? If you've heard that before, it doesn't feel good. Have the conversation with your partner. Whether you're the one with the low libido or you're the one with the high libido. It doesn't freaking matter. Find ways to communicate outside of the bedroom. So I think one of the biggest takeaways from today's episode is low libido isn't always something that needs to be fixed. Sometimes it needs to be understood. Sometimes it's hormones, sometimes it's medication, sometimes it's stress, and sometimes it's simply the season of your life that you're in. But whether you're the partner who wants sex more or the partner who wants it less, you're on the same team. Stop trying to win the argument. Start getting curious instead. Because curiosity starts conversations. Conversations build connection. And connection is one of the few things we actually know can increase desire. Thanks for hanging out with me for another Not Safe for Runch Quickie. We'll catch you next month.