Breaking the Not-Enough Narrative

That “not enough” voice can sound like the truth when it’s really just a story you learned and kept repeating. We’re Coach Stacy M. Lewis and Coach Wayne, and we go straight at the false narratives that get wired into our beliefs through childhood wounds, rejection, workplace disappointment, church hurt, and the pressure that comes with race and gender expectations.

We talk about how these narratives show up in real life, especially in midlife. For the men Coach Wayne serves, the “not good enough” story can be reinforced by systems and history, and it can quietly shape how you see your value. For many women, the “strong Black woman” expectation can turn normal limits into shame. We connect those dots to the masks we wear, the roles we perform, and the ways we cope through overworking, overgiving, people pleasing, or staying invisible.

Then we get practical. We share coaching questions to challenge the evidence behind the story, because automatic thinking can turn one moment into a global verdict about your worth. Midlife gives you receipts: experience, wisdom, leadership, survival, and lessons that prove you are more than capable. From there, we walk through rewriting the meaning of what happened so it doesn’t get to define who you are, and we offer a simple homework prompt you can use immediately: “That may have happened, but it does not mean ____.”

If this conversation hits home, subscribe, share the episode with someone who needs it, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What old story are you ready to retire?

Episodes Referenced:
e. 51: Still Becoming: Expanding the Vision for Your Future Self

e. 81: Midlife Communication, Love Under Pressure

e. 92: Retirement Isn't An Ending, It's A Redesign

Subscribe @CoachStacyMLewis and @CoachWayneVIP

💃🏽Stacy M. Lewis
🌍 thestacymlewis.com
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🎩Wayne Dawson
🌍 viptransformativeliving.com
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Transcript

The “Not Enough” Story In Midlife

Coach Stacy 0:08

Have you ever realized that a belief you've been living under did not even start with you? Maybe somewhere along the way, through family messages, rejection, race, gender expectations, church experiences, workplace disappointments, trauma, abandonment, or just life being life. You picked up a story that said you're not enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, not attractive enough, not spiritual enough, not successful enough, not lovable enough, not chosen enough. And here's the thing sometimes the story gets so familiar, we stop questioning it. We just start living from it. Well, tonight we're talking about the stories that taught us we were not enough, and how midlife gives us the wisdom, the courage, and grace to challenge those stories and choose something truer.

Coach Wayne 1:21

You found the midlife revolution unleashed, the space to embrace your wisdom, reignite your passions, and move boldly into what's next. I am Coach Wayne, the VIP coach.

Coach Stacy 1:34

And I'm Coach Stacy M. Lewis. We're here with insights, stories, and strategies to fuel your midlife journey. So take a breath, lean in. Your revolution starts now.

Coach Wayne 1:52

Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of Midlife Revolution on Leach or Leash, where coaching meets real conversations, and we help you with your clarity, your confidence, and your sense of purpose. And tonight, Stacy, tonight we're going to be talking about the whole business of false narratives where we live by.

Coach Stacy 2:28

Yeah, those stories and recognizing the stories are so very important. And our goal and hope is always to add value. Welcome to Midlife Revolution Unleashed. I am Stacy M. Lewis, your co-host. I'm a nonprofit executive, a midlife woman's coach, and a lover of God and his people. And I am here with the one, the only, Coach Wayne.

Coach Wayne 2:59

Hey Stacy. Good afternoon, everybody, or good morning and good night, good wherever you are, whatever time it is, and you're grabbing us. I am Coach Wayne, the VIP coach, and I help men of color navigate midlife so that their second half can be their best half. Stacy, you know, the whole idea behind narratives and stories are that we all have them. We have these stories because we tell ourselves these stories, and sometimes we tell others and we live by the stories. And we want to help folks today navigate through stories or narratives that have been built on trauma, on bad experiences, on false narratives, and so on.

Coach Stacy 3:47

Yeah. The reality, as well, is that we've all dealt with false narratives. And, you know, Coach Wayne and I are planning to stay in the coaching lane to bring awareness, reflection, reframing, some choice, some next steps. And this is not about us providing any kind of diagnosis or practicing therapy through a podcast. We really want to make sure that you feel supported, connected, and informed as you continue

Where False Narratives Come From

Coach Stacy 4:25

this midlife journey. Where do these not enough stories come from, Coach Wayne?

Coach Wayne 4:34

These stories come from oftentimes childhood through experiences, through observation, uh in your office, you know, being passed over for promotion and feeling like we're just not good enough. We're invisible, they come from childhood wounds. And I know Stacy keeps warning me not to get into the mental health space. Stacy, don't worry about it.

Coach Stacy 5:05

Not the mental health space now, Wayne. I didn't say that.

Coach Wayne 5:11

But I want to say that you can't help but but be mental when it comes to dealing with these issues because at the end of the day, what we see impacts our belief system and how we feel and our emotions. And these narratives, Stacy, oftentimes they just come from life, living, exposure.

Coach Stacy 5:35

Yeah, I what I find so interesting, right? And so, yes, your your mind, your mental health, it is mental health awareness month, and we certainly want to acknowledge that. And we're talking about the things that your mind is set on, right? What are these things that are propelling you forward? And a lot of it is what's happening in our mind, what that narrative is. And some of the other places and spaces where these not enough stories come from, for those of us that have been churched, go to church, used to go to a church or worship center, you know, some of us deal with church hurt and church wounds, or having a spiritual guide or a spiritual mentor and being misled, unfortunately, or being taught that shame is a part of our story when the reality is that it's not. Another place is that sense of performance, feeling like we need to perform. And then when we don't measure up, whether it be to someone else's expectations or the performance that we envision for ourselves, we begin to tell ourselves that we are not enough. I'm not enough.

Coach Wayne 7:03

Yeah, yeah. There's a thing called automatic thinking, which happens to a lot of us, where we start looking at the experiences that we've been faced with or had, and we immediately, some of us jump to conclusion, catastrophize it, we filter, and we tell a story based on these things. Truth of the matter is, Stacy, your story and my story may be true to us, but not true to one another, if that makes sense.

Coach Stacy 7:38

Absolutely. Absolutely. I think if I were to say it a little differently, I would say that those stories that we adopt as truth, the reality is that we are also hearing them as facts, but they're not facts. It's a narrative. And

Race, Gender And The Masks We Wear

Coach Stacy 8:00

if the narrative is wrong, if the narrative is negative, like I am not enough, then we have to shift that narrative. But we don't always recognize the story, right?

Coach Wayne 8:11

Yeah, yeah. We live by them, and oftentimes it uh takes us down the wrong, the wrong path. So we want to talk about the not good enough story, the worth story or worthiness story. And unfortunately, and I find Stacy with the population I serve, black men, midlife black men, this pops up its ugly head from time to time. The narrative that we're not good enough. And you know, living here in this country, Stacy in the USA, we know oftentimes that based on the systems and and and just so a historical experience, that a lot of brothers are faced with being told they're just not good enough.

Coach Stacy 9:00

You're absolutely right.

Coach Wayne 9:01

Unfortunately, they believe it.

Coach Stacy 9:03

Yeah, and and having you know raised one of those now black men, you know, really just being aware as a black woman that that is the story that many aspects of society are trying to teach our black men, we have to really make sure that we're acknowledging our own story, our own not enoughness as women, as people, and recognizing that in others. And you mentioned the the black male experience, I think, for a number of sisters that I've had the the blessing to coach, you can hear the not enoughness being driven by that false narrative that is you are to be the strong black woman. So when you are not feeling like the strong black woman, then that narrative of uh I don't feel like the strong black woman. So I I'm I must not be strong enough. I'm I'm just I'm not enough. And so I think we have to really be mindful that we don't always recognize the story that that we're telling ourselves.

Coach Wayne 10:28

Yeah. And that goes hand in hand with a mask that oftentimes we wear because there has to be some sense of congruency. If you're telling the story, you gotta kind of look the part. So we'll say, I'm strong enough, or we'll go the other way and say, you know, I accept failure. It's kind of like what I expected. You know, we tell these stories of ourselves and we hold them to be true. And sometimes we we dress up the part to carry through the story.

Coach Stacy 11:01

Yeah, we we can also normalize the story, right? Calling it, oh, this is this is just how I am, or you know, this is this is my personality, or you know, this is this is how I survive by telling myself this story over and over again, you know, and this the not enoughness just comes with I use the analogy for those for those of us in midlife who used to have a turntable, I still do, right? But it is like having a record that has a scratch in it. And every time the needle hits that scratch, you hear the same thing over and over again. And so often that story, that that word of I'm not enough is the scratch, is what we're hearing every time the needle hits that scratch.

Coach Wayne 11:59

And Stacy, I think earlier you mentioned about our stories and childwood, childhood wounds and that sort of thing. And we we we live it out oftentimes, and we see grown folks in relationships just exemplifying or living out a story that no longer serves them, you know. Um I I men don't cry. That's a story that a lot of women are faced with, and and you know, brothers see it all the time. We must compete, we gotta win. Those are stories we tell ourselves, and who knows why they came up in the first place, but they create more harm oftentimes than good. We don't have to live by those narratives, Stacy.

Coach Stacy 12:45

Right, we don't. And I think it is that lack of recognition, right? Not not realizing the story that we're telling ourselves, or not realizing that the story we're telling ourselves is somehow based or framed around you're not enough, and really taking that story in, like I I have to be this way, or I have to hold everything together. I have to carry this this positivity, even if I'm crumbling on the inside. And it is these stories, right? This this negative narrative that may have helped us in one season. It it may have been what allowed us to survive. But as we look at it now, we have to remember that that old story cannot govern the rest of our lives.

Coach Wayne 13:48

Yeah. And we oftentimes make the story appear to be greater than it is, like it's positive. We put a spin on it, you know. I'm being strong. Uh I'm a provide, men are taught to provide and protect. And we feel that if we're, based on what that says, that story, that if we're not doing enough of the provision and protecting, by protecting, I mean creating security for those that we we consider our wards, we feel that we're not good enough, that we are not measuring up. And midlife, Stacy, I've found, is that place where oftentimes men get sunk into a hole because they're evaluating these stories about being good enough with people around them. There's that self-comparison and comparison with the rest of the world. It's it's it's really unfair to ourselves doing that.

Coach Stacy 14:52

You're absolutely right. And I think that fairness

How Old Stories Shape Your Choices

Coach Stacy 14:55

carries over into our present day. And it is the reality that the old narratives sometimes shape our present stories, right? Our present choices. We're making decisions based on a narrative that's saying I'm not enough. But the reality is that then we're taking that narrative and we're making decisions about our life, about our finances, about our family, about, you know, that job opportunity, about quitting. We're making decisions based on old narratives.

Coach Wayne 15:38

Yeah, and there's we talk about these old narratives, you know, know your place. Some folks, as children, my generation, oftentimes kids were told to be seen and not heard. And so we grow up with this story of not being good enough to show up. And we're at work, and we're the last to really represent ourselves fully because we're carrying that old narrative that really does not serve us.

Coach Stacy 16:08

Yeah, yeah. The old narrative shapes the show-up game, right? It shapes our behavior. Sometimes in that, you know, not enoughness, we end up overworking, overgiving, over-explaining, you know, people pleasing. A lot of us talk about people pleasing. We often avoid risk or try to stay invisible because we're just not feeling like enough.

Coach Wayne 16:35

Yeah. The the whole issue of boundaries. Hi, Delane. Welcome. We missed you. So, Stacy, do we want to talk a little bit more about the old narratives that we still live by? Or can we segue into challenging the evidence?

Challenge The Evidence And Present Receipts

Coach Stacy 16:56

Sure. Let's let's jump into challenging the evidence. So what the evidence is.

Coach Wayne 17:03

Yeah, yeah. When when someone tells me when they're struggling with their sense of worth and esteem, and they're telling me, you know, just not good enough. I can't get it done. One of the things that I oftentimes will say, well, what is the evidence that you have to satisfy that thinking? Have you in the past been told? Have you failed at that thing? Because a lot of times, Stacy, we are telling our story of worth based on anxiety of something in the future to come.

Coach Stacy 17:37

Yes, the evidence, right? And that evidence also often gets just trapped up in not in showing us a partial story, telling us a partial story. The you pointed out that in midlife, right? We've we're we're not new people, but we are people evolved, right? We're people with wisdom, we're people with experience. And we get the opportunity based on that experience to remind ourselves that there's other evidence, right? There's we get to challenge the evidence of um not enough or the story that we're telling ourselves with the realities of our wisdom, with our discernment, with our leadership experience, with our love. We have such evidence of the reality, the truth that can combat that not enough story.

Coach Wayne 18:52

Yeah. You know, you may have taken an exam and you failed. But really, we have to recognize as we age and I say sage, that what we have learned from that is how to study next time or how not to take or how to take the exam coming forward. In other words, it's feedback, it's information. So it doesn't really inform us to then take away that evidence and start applying it globally or generally, saying, you know, I'm stupid, I'm dumb, I'm not bright enough. We have to be kind to ourselves when it comes to those evidences and give ourselves grace as well.

Coach Stacy 19:42

Absolutely. Reminding ourselves that we've, while while we may not have passed the test this time, we have passed the test before, right? That we we have the evidence that we can make hard choices. We have the evidence that we can show up even when it's not easy. And so I I, as coaches, we get to frame and position and and share what we would qualify as coaching questions if we were in a coaching conversation, right? And one of those questions is what evidence have you ignored that proves your strength?

Coach Wayne 20:30

And for people of color, especially my brothers and sisters, what have you survived in the past that deserves to be honored? Because you know, we are we we survive more than the roaches. We've been, we've been, we've been going a long time, Stacy, despite all that has we have had come on against us.

Coach Stacy 20:55

Yeah, no, I I I really like that evidence of survival. Another question is what evidence have you dismissed or cast aside because it didn't fit the old story, right? So trying to really bring evidence in alignment with an old story, but it doesn't fit because the story is old. It's the old story that needs to go, not the evidence.

Coach Wayne 21:24

That's right. The old story needs to be dished. And what if we were to to craft a new story? What part of the old story would we get rid of to be true true to the new story?

Rewrite The Meaning Into Truth

Coach Stacy 21:42

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that and that new story, right? We're gonna jump into rewriting, right? Because that's what needs to happen. We've talked about breaking down the the not enough narrative, right? Understanding where it comes from, understanding that sometimes we don't recognize that we're functioning in a not enough narrative, acknowledging where or how the old narrative shows up, how it shapes our present choices. We've talked about challenging the evidence with all of the richness that we've amassed in midlife. And that's not financial richness, although some of us have that too. But now we get to talk about rewriting, right? Rewriting, moving into the facts.

Coach Wayne 22:41

Yeah, yeah. So it's all about cognition, how you view things and interpret it in your head, right? That's a serious game we play, the head game. And so when you rewrite, it's to give a new meaning or edit the meaning that you previously have had and attributed to the thing, the story. And it's important. For example, somebody told you no for an opportunity, right? Instead of just saying the person didn't like me, you can easily ask yourself, I wonder what that person saw that gave them the impression that I was unable to do it. In which case, you're not just taking it as a rejection, but giving yourself an opportunity to ask a more powerful question.

Coach Stacy 23:30

Yes, absolutely. And we're not saying that the best practice is to deny that whatever's happened in this instance, you you didn't get that opportunity. But we're talking about rewriting what it means about you, what it means to you. And so as you shared that example, Wayne, you know, I think about just you know keeping it real, I think about the last real relationship I was in, right? And so when the person left, right, it was up to me to not only decide, like to acknowledge that, yes, this is this is what happened, right? This this didn't work out. He left, okay, but I had to decide what it means to me, right? And what it means to the story I'm telling myself about me. That's right. Right. And so it's about rewriting the meaning. It didn't mean that I wasn't enough, it didn't mean that I wasn't cute enough, it didn't mean that I wasn't sexy enough, it didn't mean that I wasn't smart enough, right? It just meant that for us, that was not to be. But I had to decide, and this is in so many facets of life. You gave one that's talking about, you know, career and opportunity, and things happen to us, and in this rich season, we have to decide how we craft the meaning around what happened to us and how we take those facts and help us move forward combating any negative narrative like I'm not enough.

Coach Wayne 25:34

Yes. And Stacy, in relationships, so often I see couples that are going at it, and when you sit them down, the truth is there's a lot of mind reading. They are making up stories about the other person. It's not real. And so they're giving meaning to a relationship without getting the real flesh and bone of what's going on, right? And of course, there's a lot of distortion of reality when that happens, and you have to help people to kind of reframe it as you say, rewrite it so that the story really makes sense.

Coach Stacy 26:11

That it makes sense, that it's based in truth, and that we are not making meaning of it that is not helping us move forward.

Coach Wayne 26:24

Yes.

Coach Stacy 26:25

And as coaches, that's what we're often tackling, right? It is not that we're saying, oh, this didn't happen to you, oh, this wasn't your experience. What we're saying is the way that you have put that experience away, the way that you may have allowed that experience to alter how you identify yourself, how you identify your worth, how you identify your lovability, how you identify your professionalism. You've allowed the experience to alter that. And those are the mindset shifts that we're here to support.

Coach Wayne 27:11

Yeah. So a news story is not just something we say. It's not about giving it lip service. It's about living it, practicing it, becoming it. And that is the challenge, right? And midlife, we we have a we talk about reimagining the second half on the the last quarter. Our guest last week, Greg, Dr. Greg Lunsford, he gave the second half a new name. It was called the Third, what was it called? The third age. The third age.

Coach Stacy 27:45

Middle age, a young age, middle age, the third age.

Coach Wayne 27:51

And so how do we actually manifest and start living that new story about being worthy enough? Yes, yes.

Coach Stacy 28:02

And it it is a practice. You and I are not prescribing something that will then work overnight. You'll do it once and you'll never have to do it again. Wouldn't it be great if the things that are good for us would work that way? But a new truth can sound, you know. I gave an example about what happened in my life's experience, which is not foreign to many of us, right? So I think in that experience, after, you know, after the breakup and the the walking away and all of that, a new truth for me could sound like I'm lovable and allowed to be loved.

Coach Wayne 28:51

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that is so powerful. Your story, thank you for sharing that, Stacy. And we were talking about relationships both at work and personally. And so a new truth in our story can also be I create my boundaries for what I accept and what I don't.

Coach Stacy 29:14

Absolutely. Those boundaries are critical. You and I did what is one of our most downloaded episodes, which is about acknowledging and embracing the fact that we are still becoming. Just because we've gotten to these great ages, whether it be in your 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, you are still becoming. And that can be a resetting new truth. Anytime something happens, even you make a decision that turned out to not be a great decision, reminding yourself of the truth that you are still becoming is still a good truth.

Practice The New Story Daily

Coach Wayne 30:01

Yeah. Speaking of becoming, Stacy, it has dawned on me that so many people grab our podcast, they catch it wherever they can, and they just neglect or forget to hit that subscribe button, which really helps us in a big way because it gets the algorithm to send more people our information, our message, so that they too can benefit from what we are sharing. So please subscribe and get the word out.

Coach Stacy 30:31

Yes, yes, yes. I I love you for remembering that. It's so important to share the episode and to subscribe to the podcast. We appreciate the support, the listenership, and cheering it. You're cheering us on. That's right. Even if we don't know you.

Coach Wayne 30:48

That's right, that's right. Stacy, are there any shall we talk about takeaways or we want to massage a little bit more the truth that we're willing to practice?

Coach Stacy 31:00

I one important, I think, practical aspect or insight is to remember that you don't replace a decades-old story with one affirmation on a sticky note. You must practice the new small truth, the new truth in small repeatable ways. So, again, we're not talking about overnight sensation here. We're talking about real life, life's experiences, tackling, breaking the not enough narrative, and remembering that there might be a little setback, there might be a little sidestep, but keep going. Those repeated choices of telling yourself the new truth on that sticky note, on the refrigerator, whatever it is, is invaluable.

Coach Wayne 32:02

And as you're taking this podcast in and taking notes or recording or watching again or sharing with someone, just remember that you can honor your experience, what has happened to you without letting it define who you are. So you can change that becoming that Stacy spoke about.

Coach Stacy 32:27

Yeah.

Coach Wayne 32:31

Midlife, mid midlife, Stacy, as we've always said, gives us the opportunity, the rich opportunity of evidence. We've been there, done that, lived experiences there. And so just know that midlife is really an asset for where you are, whom you are, because it comes, it comes with plenty of uh evidence.

Coach Stacy 32:52

Yes, yes. As the younger generation say, you've got the receipts. You've got the receipts that you are more than enough, you've got the receipts that you are loved and called and appointed, you've got the receipts. So, you know, we say the evidence, but the younger generation might say, Show me the receipts, you've got the receipts that you are enough. What you got for key takeaways, Coach Wayne?

Coach Wayne 33:20

Well, even when we have the receipts too, Stacy, it is important to remember that if we have broken receipts, an old story that didn't work, we don't have to make that continue. We can change the trajectory and tell the real, real, the true story, because we've been doing it all along, or because, you know, some folks live all their life with the telling that uh they're not good enough. They've heard it so often. And for whatever reason, may based on isms or abuse or whatever, they own it. And we're saying to you, give yourself agency and permission, even if it's been riding for a long time, doesn't have to be the story you tell yourself moving forward.

Coach Stacy 34:08

Absolutely. You, Coach Wayne, referred to our episode with Greg, and it what you just said made me think about our episode with Chandria Riddick, a therapist, and her those questions, one of her first questions was, who told you that? Right? So thinking about that narrative, whatever that not enough narrative is based in, who told you that, and then listening to what Coach Wayne just said, asking yourself, is that true?

Coach Wayne 34:46

Yeah, yeah.

Homework for Support

Coach Wayne 34:49

Stacy, a little bit of homework, if we may, homework. Next week homework and this week's move. Choose one old story and complete this sentence that that may have happened, but it does not mean blank. Then choose one small action step that supports your new truth, right? Yes. So example, Stacy. You want want to share a couple examples?

Coach Stacy 35:23

Yeah, I'll I'll give the example, I'll just continue on with my you know, my breakup story. But I'll give the example that uh here's how the the the one word that that assignment would go. That may have happened, but it doesn't mean I'm unworthy of love. And then one small action that supports that new truth. Oh, I could go many different ways with this. One small action would be I could go to the word, the basic instruction before leaving earth, and find the word of God that reminds me that I am loved.

Coach Wayne 36:08

Love it. I think we drop the mic here, Stacy, and let folks know that we are really grateful and just gracious that you've taken time out to join us tonight on Midlife Revolution. We do this every Thursday, and we have something exciting for you each week that promises to have you take something away. Stacy, how can the good folk get a chance to get some of that wisdom from you in your coaching lab?

Coach Stacy 36:40

Absolutely. I'll remind our listenership and our viewership that our contact information is always in the show notes. I can be reached, if not through social handles at the THE, StacyMlewis.com. It is my joy to co-host Midlife Revolution Unleashed with you, Coach Wayne.

Coach Wayne 37:04

Thank you, Stacy. Last time you banged me up when you said I see you at the top. So today I'm gonna own that. But anyway, they can reach me, Stacy, at VIP Transformative Living.com. All my handles are there, folks. Just uh send me a note and I'm happy to chat with you.

Coach Stacy 37:22

Yes, I would remind our listener that you are enough. There is always one thing that you can do. You can check out the replay if you need to be reminded of opportunities to see your own evidence, connect with your own evidence that challenge the untruth that you're telling yourself. Remind yourself to say, who who told me that? Where did I get that story from? And to challenge that with the truth.

Coach Wayne 38:00

And Stace, let me just bang out this one last piece before we get out of here. And that is if you're a believer and you understand that you are make made in the likeness of, then there it goes. You are worthy.

Coach Stacy 38:15

Absolutely. God don't make no junk. That's right. Coach Wayne, I'm cheering you on.

Coach Wayne 38:24

And I'll see you at the top.

Coach Stacy 38:28

Thanks for tuning in to Midlife Revolution Unleashed. We're grateful you're part of this journey.

Coach Wayne 38:34

If you love this episode, share it, subscribe, and hit that notification bell so you don't miss another episode.

Coach Stacy 38:41

I'm Coach Stacy, and I'm cheering you on.

Coach Wayne 38:44

And I'm Coach Wayne, and I'll see you at the top.