Grandma Has ADHD

Episode 48 - The Next Room (Grief, ADHD & Finding Peace in Midlife)

• Jami Shapiro • Episode 48

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In this deeply moving and unexpected episode, Jami sits down with Jane Asher Reaney—radio personality, author of The Next Room, and a new member of the Silver Linings Transitions team—for a soulful conversation that blends spirituality, grief, intuition, and the unexpected signs of undiagnosed ADHD later in life.

What starts as a story about Jane’s connection to her late mother and life after loss unfolds into a powerful reflection on the ADHD traits Jane may have carried her entire life without realizing it.

Together, Jami and Jane explore how ADHD can remain hidden for decades—especially in women—and how grief, creativity, intuition, and sensitivity often walk hand-in-hand with neurodivergence. If you’ve ever wondered, “Was it ADHD all along?”—this episode will feel like coming home.

Whether you’re navigating grief, organizing your life, or finally connecting the dots about your brain, this conversation reminds you: you’re not broken—you’re brilliant.


Thank you for joining us for this episode of Grandma Has ADHD! We hope Jami's journey and insights into ADHD shed light on the unique challenges faced by older adults. Stay tuned for more episodes where we’ll explore helpful resources, share personal stories, and provide guidance for those navigating ADHD. Don’t forget to subscribe and share this podcast with friends who might benefit. Remember, Make the rest of your life the best of your life.

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Have you ever thought, is this just me? When struggling to stay organized, start tasks, or manage time, for those of us over 50, these challenges might not be just aging. They could be ADHD hiding in plain sight for decades. I'm Jamie Shapiro, host of Grandma has ADHD, and I'm building a community where your experiences matter.

Whether you are diagnosed, questioning or simply curious. You are not alone. Our Facebook group is filled with vibrant understanding. People over 50 who share their stories, strategies, and yes, even their struggles with plenty of laughter along the way. Ready to find your people. Join our growing grandma has ADHD Facebook community.

Please like and subscribe to the podcast wherever you listen and share it with someone who might need to hear. They're not alone because ADHD doesn't have an age limit and neither does understanding yourself better. Together, we're changing the conversation about ADHD after 50 come be part of the story.

[00:01:25] Jami Shapiro: Hi, and welcome to the latest edition of Grandma Has ADHD. I always say I'm excited to bring guests on, but really excited to bring you on, Jane. So this is gonna be a really different. Very interesting conversation that we're going to have. this may not be the typical ADHD conversation and I didn't invite this guest on to have that ADHD conversation I invited her on because I always share about my hyper fixation being ADHD, and that's my passion.

[00:01:59] Jami Shapiro: But I haven't shared that my other passion happens to be life after death. What comes next? And so it was a crazy story when Jane reached out to me Jami Shapiro as the owner of Silver Linings Transitions in San Diego. She had been working for a competitor and wasn't really happy with the way, the direction of the company, and really wanted to be with a heart-centered company that was more aligned with her values.

[00:02:29] Jami Shapiro: And I really liked her and I went on Facebook to sort of check her out because of course if I'm bringing somebody into people's homes, and I saw that she was the author of a book called The Next Room, and I didn't honestly pay a whole lot of attention other than the fact that I knew that she had co-authored it with her mother who had passed Betty Asher.

[00:02:49] Jami Shapiro: And again, because that's been my other hobby, I thought, well, that's really cool. I'd love to get to know her. Well, we brought her in just like we would bring anybody else in for a working interview to make sure that she was a good fit for the company and we all loved her. So she was hired, but I still had not met with her in person.

[00:03:09] Jami Shapiro: So we actually did a very wonderful lunch together where we went. All over the place In our conversation, we talked about work, we talked about her book, we talked about my book and writing my book. and then I left her with the magic wand that we give to our employees because the tagline of Silver Linings Transitions is making moves magical and our team gets magic wands and there's a whole lot of stuff behind it.

[00:03:36] Jami Shapiro: Not realizing that in Jane's book, she actually mentions the magic wand. After our meeting, Jane sends me the book and with a lovely message and I read the book and after I read the book, I said, I have to have Jane on the podcast. so I'm going to let Jane share a little bit about her backstory.

[00:03:57] Jami Shapiro: And then we'll kind of go from there. So, Jane, thank you. Thank you. The book is. Unbelievable. And there were so many times and little things that were in there that I'm like, she's supposed to be in my life. Like you're just supposed to be in my life. It's crazy. So welcome to the podcast. 

[00:04:13] Jane Asher Reaney: Thank you Jami

[00:04:15] Jane Asher Reaney: And I will say that when I called and left a message and then you called me back, I was like, this is so cool. This is the way it's supposed to be. Right. This is the connection of not having to effort a relationship and just put yourself out there and have it be as magical as it was the way that you called me back.

[00:04:39] Jane Asher Reaney: And I think within about. Three or four minutes of us having our first conversation. You said, I'm really spiritual. And I was like, right on. Like, let's just go, let's just get this party started. so 

[00:04:53] Jami Shapiro: I have to interrupt you because that's what people with ADHD do. But it was interesting because I had actually just let an employee go, which is not something that we do lightly.

[00:05:03] Jami Shapiro: And it's really hard. And the reason that we held onto her for so long is that she was. Excellent with the clients. Excellent. And she was super talented. And it sort of, along with your book, like, when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And that's been my whole path of starting my business is okay.

[00:05:21] Jami Shapiro: nothing has to be effort in it. What is supposed to be there is going to be there for you. 

[00:05:27] Jane Asher Reaney: I completely agree with that philosophy. I've always lived my life like that. I just really. Get up, give thanks and what is in front of me and the breadcrumbs, you just follow 'em.

[00:05:40] Jane Asher Reaney: And it makes life a lot easier too. Than to try to force something and push that boulder uphill or work with, in my case, with a company that I just. Didn't see the integrity. I didn't feel the love. And I was like, yeah, what am I doing? I was getting headaches going to work and I'm like, nah, I don't need to do this.

[00:05:58] Jane Asher Reaney: And so I had already decided to leave regardless if I had another job I was that like over it. So it's nice to connect with somebody that's like-minded and also that. wants to do discovery and And kind of grow while we're here. we're here for a minute or two, right?

[00:06:17] Jane Asher Reaney: And then we're in the next room that I like to refer to. So, we may as well get our groove on while we're here and be as cool as possible and use compassion. And like with your company, Jami, it's seniors. It's like, ugh. they're my heart. it's like the art of walking slow.

[00:06:35] Jane Asher Reaney: We have to figure out how to slow down. and reach out and help people. 'cause so many people need help right now. And there's just a lot of harsh behavior on the planet that's very unnecessary. So anyway, long way to go to explain how we ended up together. 

[00:06:54] Jami Shapiro: Sure. And it was so evident too, how you would've been drawn to this kind of work.

[00:06:59] Jami Shapiro: I know that your other work is hosting a podcast and writing books. And just wanting to sort of do mission work working with people and making a difference in their lives. And so your book was amazing, Jane. I'm so honored that you are my friend and work with my team and anyway, so let's talk a little bit about the book before we even go into a ADHD.

[00:07:21] Jami Shapiro: Sure. 'cause a lot of people will not have read it, but I hope that they will, and we're gonna definitely put in the show notes. How they can find the book, but just, start the listener on the journey of what the book is about, how you got to it. 

[00:07:35] Jane Asher Reaney: Okay. Oh goodness. My best friend was my mother.

[00:07:40] Jane Asher Reaney: Still is my mother. And, she crossed in 2010, and I was lost. I was devastated. I was just a mere shadow of myself. the day I got the phone call that she had crossed over, I just lost it, like guttural screams of agony. And so shortly after she crossed over, I started like. Things were happening, like messages were coming in like crazy.

[00:08:07] Jane Asher Reaney: And so I just started writing everything down. And I always thought I was gonna write a book, but I had no idea how to write a book. I didn't know what it would be about. I have all these bits and pieces and stories around in my brain, and I've got probably three or four different scripts on my laptop.

[00:08:24] Jane Asher Reaney: But for this, She was gone. And so all I had were my memories and my journals and all the stuff that I had been writing along the way. And so I just kept thinking, I'm gonna write a book. I'm gonna write a book about my mom. I'm gonna write a book about our relationship. But one thing led to another, and through these messages that I was getting from her, from the other side, I'm like, I know what I have to write about now.

[00:08:52] Jane Asher Reaney: And. I was worried I'm in my head all the time. Oh, how am I gonna get perceived? Or people gonna think I've flipped my dome Doy like my mom would say. But I just had to do it. I had to speak my truth because everything in here is the gospel truth of what occurred after she left, and the messages that I was receiving were Otherworldly, mm-hmm is the best way I can say it. 

[00:09:19] Jami Shapiro: Sure. Well, I loved the story of your father. I love, first of all, that you grew up in a Christian household. Yes, yes. Growing to church every weekend, because I know that there are a lot of Christians who would question and, also probably Jewish people and people of other faith that would question, this WOOWOO side or this, you know, crossing over side.

[00:09:38] Jami Shapiro: So I want you to share the story of your dad because it definitely was to me very Pivotal in your story. 

[00:09:44] Jane Asher Reaney: Oh, I will. Alright, so Big Don. My dad is such a character and mom left seven and a half years before him, roughly. He was just devastated. It was his best friend. They had been married 62 years, and so he came out to visit and hang out with us.

[00:10:03] Jane Asher Reaney: I was turning 50. He came across the country because we had to get him outta Michigan. He had really lost his motivation to live after mom died, and so my big sister Lynn. Gives me a call and says, Hey, we gotta get Don out of the snow. can we send him out to see you? He can be with you for your birthday, the whole nine yards.

[00:10:22] Jane Asher Reaney: I said, absolutely. So Dad came out for a month, one day after I got the kids off to school, he came out and he was like hey I wanna talk to your friend. And I said. Dad, you're gonna have to be more specific. I have a lot of friends and he goes the one that does seances and stuff?

[00:10:38] Jane Asher Reaney: So he starts laughing. I'm like, oh my gosh. My friend Pam, now, I had this really good friend who was a renowned psychic in Santa Barbara, and she used to come on the radio all the time and tell everybody these very interesting things, and I was fascinated. But she was just, she's my girlfriend. Like I didn't.

[00:10:55] Jane Asher Reaney: After I realized the gift she had, I didn't really ever utilize those. 'cause I didn't want that to come in, you know? Sure. A wall between our relationship. So I said, dad, she's expensive. I'll give her a call. I'll see if she wants to chat with you. Sure enough, I call Pam. She's like, yeah, I'll talk to your dad.

[00:11:14] Jane Asher Reaney: Great. Next day I stick him out in the backyard, give him the landline. He's talking to Pam and I kept peeking around the corner to see if he was off the phone and he was on the phone. I thought, ah, what have you done? You know, you put your dear friend on with your grieving dad. He was 83, 84 at the time.

[00:11:35] Jane Asher Reaney: Finally, they had hung up and I walk outside and Jami tears are streaming down his big cheeks and he goes, I'm like, oh no. What'd you do? What'd you do? What'd you do? I'm so sorry, dad. I'm so sorry. He goes, no, no, it's okay. She was here and I'm like. What? He goes, your mother, your mother was here.

[00:11:55] Jane Asher Reaney: And so he jumps up, starts bolting across my living room to come out to this little space. My studio out in the garage. she's sending a recording. We've gotta listen to it. So I plopped him down in my main chair. I pulled up a stool. Sure enough, she sent a recording. Of their conversation and Oh, it was so my mom, I mean this is back in the day, my folks never even had a computer.

[00:12:19] Jane Asher Reaney: They had no email. They didn't have cell phones. They were very, you know, you couldn't Google them or find out anything about them. So she spoke like my mom. She was using phrases like my mother, It was. Extraordinary. And I'm not saying that this should ever take place of counsel or your pastor or your priest or whatever you go to, to seek solace.

[00:12:42] Jane Asher Reaney: But it was remarkable what happened with my dad. He all of a sudden completely felt like, okay, I'm not crazy. She is. Still with me. She's just beyond the veil. And I one day will be reunited with her. So, honestly, my dad got the party started. 'cause the book that I thought I was writing had nothing to do with this.

[00:13:08] Jane Asher Reaney: It was gonna be, I love my mom. I love my mom. I love my mom. And, because of Don's belief. Here he is major, big Christian Guy for 84 years, baptized and confirmed and never missed. Never missed church. He would call me and go, are you going to church? And I'm like, nah, not this week. Kingdom of Heaven comes from within.

[00:13:27] Jane Asher Reaney: So he started it. And so after that fact. What I would do every birthday for him, I would give him an hour conversation with Pam and I have all the recordings on tape now. So that really leaned into the fact that I now had my mother. On a cd, my dad talking to her, asking questions, and my mother chiming in saying things directly to me so that I could transcribe for the book.

[00:13:58] Jami Shapiro: So that is part three of the book is really the conversation with myself, Pam, and my mother. I loved it. and it was also like, wow, when you actually at one point. Pam is no longer a part of the conversation with you, and you are immediately Right. Speaking to your mom. Yes. And that was sort of like, I mean, like I said, I totally believe it.

[00:14:22] Jami Shapiro: 100%. I've heard too many stories. I love Brian Weis, who's written the book, many Lives, many masters, great book. Anybody who's listening and you just wanna dabble into this idea. he would open the door for me when I was 21. So I've been, reading and believing. Most of my life.

[00:14:39] Jami Shapiro: And so you just saw me lose what I was saying, which is a very ADHD thing. I will be talking about something and then. I just lose. I'm like, where was I? You know, you 

[00:14:48] Jane Asher Reaney: were, you were talking about the part four where it ended up with me and my mother. Yes. Thank 

[00:14:52] Jami Shapiro: you. Thank you for bringing me back. Yes.

[00:14:54] Jami Shapiro: And know, it's so, so liberating for me too, to be able to share that now with someone where before if I had interviewed somebody, I would've been embarrassed about the fact that, I'm not distracted. I'm not doing anything else. I'm not on my phone. I'm present in this conversation, but my brain just will let go of things.

[00:15:10] Jami Shapiro: and I always say that when I am myself, then you and the audience is free to be themselves. And I know, by the way, before I go back to what I was gonna say, which I'm going to tell you is about your mom and going directly to her, but I know that there was a lot of fear around putting this message out into the world and the judgment and what people would think of you, because, let's face it, we live in a world where there's a lot of judgment.

[00:15:34] Jane Asher Reaney: Mm-hmm. And 

[00:15:35] Jami Shapiro: a lot of people, are very skeptical and, and I loved also how you handled skepticism and being atheist and I loved it. I thought this is such a good book for somebody with ADHD. But back to Where I was going to ask you is that you were able to, communicate directly with your mom and as I've shared, although I'm open to all of this, I haven't had any of those experiences.

[00:15:56] Jane Asher Reaney: Hmm. 

[00:15:57] Jami Shapiro: But I get God winks all the time. Yeah. Which is funny because I call them God winks and you refer them as God winks as well. 

[00:16:04] Jane Asher Reaney: Yes. 

[00:16:04] Jami Shapiro: Like there's so much parallel. It was like Betty's sitting here with me telling me we need to connect. 

[00:16:12] Jane Asher Reaney: Yeah, no kidding. You know, Jami, just write it down. I encourage everyone to do that when people reach out to me and say, what should I do?

[00:16:19] Jane Asher Reaney: I just lost my son, or my daughter just died. Or my dad, my grandma, whatever. Your best friend. I always say, just get a little journal and get yourself a really good pen. Invest in a good pen. I have tons of these where I replace the ink. and just write those moments down. Like just write.

[00:16:36] Jane Asher Reaney: The day, the time, how you were feeling when that happened. And then also ask, ask for the signs. Just say, Hey, guardian, angels, my grandma, whoever you're connected to. I go down a roll call. When I take a walk in the morning, I literally do a roll call of everyone that has crossed over that has been in my life.

[00:16:59] Jane Asher Reaney: I have a full list of all of them. The dates that they've left, and so I always ask them, is there something I need to know from your advantage point now, now that you see the big picture? Is there somewhere that I need to be are there people I need to connect with? Is there a message that I need to receive?

[00:17:18] Jane Asher Reaney: And I'll tell you what I get them. All the time. Just got another one this morning. As I hopped in my car, I never listened to the song. I didn't even know what this song was. And this song, solitude came on and it's a rapper and I was just about ready to like skip it and try to find my playlist, Jane's vibe.

[00:17:37] Jane Asher Reaney: And I started listening to the lyrics. I'm like, oh, it's all about getting quiet. Connecting with God or whatever that divine spirit is that you like to call it. Slowing down, breathing, stretching, listening, communing with nature. I'm like, now I love this song. I added it to Jane's vibe when I got home.

[00:18:00] Jane Asher Reaney: I'm like, oh, I don't even know this dude. Anyway, that happens a lot to me. 

[00:18:05] Jami Shapiro: I have to tell you that everything that you just listed are things that we tell people with ADHD that they need to do to do better with their ADHD. And I know Elizabeth Gilbert? Are you familiar with her? Yes.

[00:18:16] Jami Shapiro: apparently when she lost her partner, she did the same thing where she would write to her partner and her partner would come through her pen. 

[00:18:28] Jane Asher Reaney: Right. So I 

[00:18:28] Jami Shapiro: didn't, know if you knew that. 

[00:18:29] Jane Asher Reaney: Yes. there's all kinds of ways to do it and different people, like for me.

[00:18:34] Jane Asher Reaney: Everybody's like, how'd you connect? How'd you do it? Because I had such fear, by the way, I had no idea that it was going to just be me and mom, none. I had part one, part two, part three. I thought, done got the book. I'm good to go. I'm ready to publish. And. I checked in with Pam just to check in, not to ask my mom anymore questions, but just to find out if she was happy with what I've done thus far and was ready to publish and it was so great.

[00:19:04] Jane Asher Reaney: Pam's like, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay, Betty. Alright. Okay. I'll let her know. Your mother says. That you do not need me to connect that you can actually hear me. You've been connecting with her and No. Okay. Yeah. I'm not offended at all. She's talking to my mom and she's laughing. She's like, your mom is so cute.

[00:19:24] Jane Asher Reaney: No, I take no offense to this Betty. And then she goes, okay, I'll let her know. And I'm like, what? And she said, your mom likes that there is a prologue in epilogue, part one, part two, part three. But she said there will be a part four. And I was like, I can't do this. I'm not psychic. I what people are gonna think I'm nuts.

[00:19:46] Jane Asher Reaney: But once I got quiet. I asked and the whole tingle came over me. I couldn't write fast enough. like I would ask her a question and then she would just speak, and it's not me. I mean, I don't have those highly, I think I'm kind of elevated sometimes, but not like that. I don't have that stuff going on in me.

[00:20:09] Jane Asher Reaney: You couldn't fake that if you tried. It just like flowed. So, wow. Everybody gets it differently. Some people can get it through audio. Some people get it through feeling it or hearing it some. Sense it, some smell it. I mean, it can come in all kinds of ways. 

[00:20:25] Jami Shapiro: Right.

[00:20:26] Jami Shapiro: No, it's so interesting. Going on a tangent 'cause I do that so well. I was doing a 12 step program shortly after my divorce. I'm codependent, which is a very, very common trait for people with ADHD and I remember knowing that I was supposed to speak because my chest would just start to tighten and pulse and I'd just be sitting there and then I'm being called.

[00:20:48] Jami Shapiro: I have to speak. And I don't remember what religion that it was, but that was how they would all sit around and there was no, minister, rabbi, it was lay led and that they would just know that they were supposed to speak when that feeling. Came to them.

[00:21:04] Jami Shapiro: And so anyway, just, again, side tangent. So I, 

[00:21:07] Jane Asher Reaney: there, I like that side tangent. I think that you should being true to yourself, I mean, I always feel like we have something on our heart and we don't express it. What are you gonna do? Push it down and then eventually you're just gonna blow.

[00:21:20] Jane Asher Reaney: Mm-hmm. I think it's important to lean into exactly who we are and. Honestly, get rid of the fear. That's why I wrote Wore This shirt to say it's expand without fear. It's what my mom kept saying to me because I was. Gripped with fear About putting this out to the world. I mean, I was a rock and roll chick.

[00:21:38] Jane Asher Reaney: I was on every radio station in this town For years. and radio personalities can be a little caustic and kind of judgy, love them. But for instance, like if a superstar dies, like within seconds, they're throwing barbs around in jokes, right? It's just a dark.

[00:21:56] Jane Asher Reaney: Humor. And so here I am doing off the radio. I retired. I like hung up my radio headphones and put this book out. But you know what? The greatest thing is when my mom said, get outta your own way. And what do you care what anyone thinks? The people that need to hear this will come to it, and the ones that don't won't, they're not ready.

[00:22:19] Jane Asher Reaney: And if they don't want to hear it, what do you care? It doesn't matter. You don't write a book to get rich. I'll tell you that right now. That 

[00:22:26] Jami Shapiro: is such a beautiful segment into, you know, why I thought that this was such a good. A good message to bring to an ADHD audience. Which leads me to a question or a conversation that we had very briefly before we started recording.

[00:22:42] Jami Shapiro: Jane came to me and said, I have not been diagnosed with ADHD. I just wanna let you know. She was worried that she couldn't come on. And I said, Jane, don't worry about it. Not everybody who's on this show has ADHD. Sometimes there is a message that my community needs. To hear and there's so much of self-acceptance in your message, but I said to Jane, are you comfortable if I sort of bring up the ADHD and invade your privacy?

[00:23:06] Jami Shapiro: And Jane, you did say yes. Yes. So you're going to be if you're listening to this podcast, which obviously you're listening or you wouldn't hear it I'm going to take a pause actually, and then we're going to pick that up. But I, hopefully I just teased something 'cause we're gonna explore some reasons that I asked Jane if she had considered that she might also have ADHD.

 

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Are you tired of feeling like you can't get it together? Struggling with clutter that overwhelms you despite your best efforts. Wondering why organization feels impossible while others make it look so easy. You are not alone and it's not your fault. Hi, I'm Jami Shapiro. Host of the grandma has ADHD podcast and I understand exactly what you're going through.

I combine my years of hands-on work as founder of Silver Linings Transitions, a move management and home organizing company, together with ADHD coach, training and help adults 50 and over connect the dots between ADHD and lifelong struggles. Whether you are downsizing, decluttering, or simply trying to create systems that work for your ADHD brain, I provide virtual and in-person coaching for those in the San Diego area.

Together we'll develop practical strategies that honor how your brain actually works, not how you think it should work, ready to trade. Shame for understanding. Visit Grandma has adhd.com. Or call to schedule a discovery session at 7 6 0 6 0 7 7 3 7 7 because it's never too late to finally make sense of your story.

 

Ever wondered why helping a loved one declutter feels like speaking different languages? I did, especially with my mom. It wasn't until I founded Silver Linings Transitions helping San Diego seniors organize and move for over a decade that I discovered why we all experienced clutter differently. And for those of us with ADHD, it's a whole other world.

If you are listening in the San Diego area and feeling stuck with moving. Paperwork, photos or home organization. Our team at Silver Linings Transitions gets it. We understand ADHD's unique challenges and we won't just help you get organized. We'll create sustainable systems that. Finally stick Schedule a consultation with our team today at 7 6 0 5 2 2 1 6 2 4.

That's 7 6 0 5 2 2 1 6 2 4 or find us@silverliningstransitions.com.

 

[00:26:13] Jami Shapiro: Jane, are you ready for this conversation? 

[00:26:15] Jane Asher Reaney: I'm ready. 

[00:26:17] Jami Shapiro: Okay. So there is this thing I believe it's called the ventricular activating system, or I think you even mentioned in the book, it's when you are looking for something, you see it. Do you know what I'm talking about? So actually Jen Sincero writes about, she wrote the book of oh gosh.

[00:26:36] Jami Shapiro: You are a badass. There you go. I could picture it. And she says there's an exercise where she tells you to take a minute and observe everything, and then that in that next minute that you see that's yellow and then you go back to the book after the minute. And then she says, well, what did you see that was red?

[00:26:52] Jami Shapiro: And then you're like, well, I didn't anything that was red because you were looking for the yellow. So in a self disclaimed message to you, Jane, because I am eating, sleeping, breathing, A-D-H-D I see it everywhere. I see it in the books that I just was listening to the Billy Joel biography and I'm like, I think he had, ADHD.

[00:27:11] Jami Shapiro: So, listen, I'm not a doctor and I am not able to diagnose. However, there are a few things about you that make me think you may have ADHD, but I tell you that I tend to be drawn to people with ADHD. Like I, we just seem to be people who get each other. And from the instant you and I connected, I was drawn to you.

[00:27:31] Jami Shapiro: So that was. The number one reason, which is absolutely not anything that you diagnose, but there are a few other things that you've even said in this conversation or that I've observed in this book. So can I share those traits with you? Absolutely. 

[00:27:44] Jane Asher Reaney: I'd love to hear it. 

[00:27:45] Jami Shapiro: So you told me that you were working on several manuscripts, you had several things going at one time.

[00:27:50] Jami Shapiro: Oh yeah. We tend to like to start new projects. It's really hard for us to do one and then finish it and then go to the next one and then finish it. We are like, our brains are like popping. There's, just always stuff. So that was number one. Okay. You have a sense of adventure. You were the only person in your family that left Michigan and moved to California.

[00:28:11] Jami Shapiro: That's 

[00:28:11] Jane Asher Reaney: true. 

[00:28:12] Jami Shapiro: Think that the ADHD incidence is actually higher in the US because we had to be brave and we had to chart a new course for ourselves and decide that this isn't enough. Interesting. So that's another reason and then you have a very strong sense of justice. You want the world to be fair, you want to make it right.

[00:28:31] Jami Shapiro: you are a person of high integrity. I always trust people with ADHD. Now I'm gonna say this. You can have ADHD and you can have other things like narcissism or border and I'm not even going into that. I'm just going of just ADHD. I usually will trust someone significantly. 'cause I know they have such a strong sense of justice that they're going to do the right thing.

[00:28:50] Jami Shapiro: And I noticed in the work that you've done, you've done mission work. Even in the writing and the way that you described it was so important to you that people are fair. you were really struggling with what was going on in the world and your mother was telling you, just let them be who they're gonna be, you know?

[00:29:04] Jami Shapiro: And even with religion, and as a Jewish person, I appreciate when people don't judge me because I don't believe the way that they believe. So you have a tolerance that is very common. You're creative. Like that's,I always find that people with ADHD are super creative. I used to think that everybody who had ADHD had clutter.

[00:29:22] Jami Shapiro: And I have learned that is absolutely not the case. I always say you meet one person with ADHD, you meet one person with ADHD, we tend to have a lot of energy. We tend to be very intuitive. We're just intuitive people. Like we just have a sense about things.and then when you said that you replaced the ink, like there's something in the ADHD space where we like sparkle lies, we have to make something new and exciting so that it is not the mundane.

[00:29:46] Jami Shapiro: So like, for instance, when you were in school, did you doodle a lot when you were, you know. No, 

[00:29:52] Jane Asher Reaney: I doodle all the time. Okay. I doodle constantly. I mean, I can't stop it. 

[00:29:57] Jami Shapiro: Yeah. That's a sign. Did you tend to daydream. 

[00:30:01] Jane Asher Reaney: Oh yeah. Are you kidding? Every day. I mean, I would leave, I would go to other planets in my dreams.

[00:30:06] Jane Asher Reaney: Mm-hmm. Oh yeah. Okay. 

[00:30:07] Jami Shapiro: Alright. Well I'm gonna say this, I took a test for ADHD. It was funny, I was going through some old photos and I had snapped a picture 'cause my ex-husband had accused me of ADHD years and years before. And I took the online test and it said I didn't have it. That was so wrong.

[00:30:22] Jami Shapiro: But what I have learned about ADHD, since going through ADHD coach training is ADHD changes at different times in our lives. And so I have two children with ADHD. When I started this podcast, I would tell everybody I had one child with ADHD because it shows up differently depending, and we tend to be very bright.

[00:30:39] Jami Shapiro: So we're able to mask a lot of it. like I used to do the homework, the class before it was due and still maintain. Reasonably decent grades because I needed that adrenaline to motivate me to get stuff done. So anyway. 

[00:30:55] Jane Asher Reaney: No. Now I wanna take the test. I can't, my brain is just like overwhelmed a lot of times.

[00:31:02] Jane Asher Reaney: That's why I need to breathe. I need to slow down walk with my dog. That is huge. Walking meditation for me. And classical music too is another one. If I hear too much agitating music, I can get really like, ah, oh my gosh, you know? So I just need to, have that level of calmness. So yeah.

[00:31:26] Jane Asher Reaney: Speaking to doodling, do I doodle all the time? 

[00:31:32] Jami Shapiro: Well, again, I cannot diagnose. We can definitely continue this conversation, but I do wanna take it back to the book okay. I wanna give the book the credit that it, deserves. And there were a few pages that I kind of dogeared and like, oh, I wanna talk to her about that.

[00:31:45] Jami Shapiro: Okay. I will say that I'm gonna skip the one about your mom on page 134 where she says she lives several incarnations, because I think that's too big for this conversation today. Yeah. Although it's definitely something I'd like to explore, but it's like whoosh. Yeah, I've heard it before. But I loved when you talked about brain imbalances.

[00:32:05] Jami Shapiro: Oh yeah. And that we need to, accept people for being on their own path and for not judging others or ourselves. And, ADHD brain is deficient in dopamine, which is why we tend to go and seek pleasure or seek thrills or, cause ourselves to like wait till that last minute to get that adrenaline hit.

[00:32:25] Jami Shapiro: And seems like. So I wanted to mention that to you and kind of what your thoughts were 

[00:32:30] Jane Asher Reaney: on that? Yeah. Well, I think, I really liked what my mom said. She said it takes a really big person to have the courage to step forth and say, Hey, I need some help here. I'm having. Interesting thoughts that I don't think are aligned with my highest good.

[00:32:46] Jane Asher Reaney: And so I love that she was saying that it takes a really courageous person to step forward and to, say, I need help. and who doesn't? I mean, nobody's got this on lockdown. Come on. If you don't think we all need help in one way or another, right? We're all working together about and how to do that.

[00:33:04] Jane Asher Reaney: And so I like that. I like that a lot. And my dad called her Sarge 'cause she ran our family like she was running the military platoon. He also called her doc because she would read all the time and she would diagnose people's stuff, all the time. So I do that too. Yeah, I was very cute.

[00:33:22] Jane Asher Reaney: I mean, I really liked that because she said, even though dad teased me about being a doctor, obviously she was the furthest thing from having, a degree in that, an MD Sure. So, 

[00:33:33] Jami Shapiro: yeah. So I have to share with you it's going to be an upcoming episode, but since we're going there, I'm going to share.

[00:33:39] Jami Shapiro: So I was listening to Dr. Daniel Amon, who was doing an interview with Jay Shetty and he is a psychiatrist and a brain specialist who's done all these brain scans. And he was actually talking about ADHD with Jay Shetty and he says there're more than three types of ADHD, but he was saying that you can actually see ADHD tendencies.

[00:33:59] Jami Shapiro: Back to biblical days. if you were to, study the Bible and some of the tendencies of people with a ADHD, you would see it. Hmm. So I did an ai, if I were reading the Bible, which characters, or you know what I see. So he names a few. But here was the big one that really stuck with me, and that was the Salem Witch trials.

[00:34:20] Jane Asher Reaney: Ah, and that 

[00:34:20] Jami Shapiro: was the women. And the reason that they were persecuted, they tended to be in their forties. Well, what happens to women in their forties? Perimenopause. 

[00:34:30] Jane Asher Reaney: Yeah, totally. And 

[00:34:32] Jami Shapiro: estrogen is precognitive. And that's why a lot of women start to discover their own ADHD when they are starting to see fluctuations in their menopause.

[00:34:41] Jami Shapiro: Interesting. And so then I asked ai, what were the traits of these women who were persecuted and they were not able to live up to the Puritan society. Standards. They couldn't sit still in services. They would blurt things out. They didn't want be told what to do. and then I'm gonna ke you know, I'm gonna do a whole episode on this.

[00:35:00] Jami Shapiro: And then I was actually doing an interview with someone who a friend of mine who's in the industry, he owns bright Star Home Care. And he was in his forties and he started to show signs of cognitive impairment that he thought was early onset dementia. So he makes an appointment with his doctor, and the doctor screens him and says, you don't have dementia.

[00:35:20] Jami Shapiro: You have ADHD. Wow. Well, then since then, his child has been diagnosed with ADHD. His sibling has been diagnosed with ADHD, and then he has a niece or nephew with ADHD. So I said, Dan. Which of your parents do you think had ADHD? And he said neither of them had ADHD. I said, Dan, did either of them smoke?

[00:35:37] Jami Shapiro: He goes, yeah, my mom smoked like a chimney. Well, then you go out and you look at what are this? What does nicotine do to an ADHD brain? It calms them down. It acts like a natural stimulant. So all of these people. In our lifetime who were smoking were very likely masking ADHD, and we had no awareness of ADHD.

[00:35:58] Jami Shapiro: I didn't even get diagnosed until 10 years ago, but I knew that my brother, my half brother had it, and we knew my dad had it because we saw the hyperactivity and ADHD was being diagnosed in boys. They were the hyperactive little boys that were in class. and then of course the whole grandma has ADHD thing came when I realized that my mom, who could sit and read for hours and was the complete opposite of hyperactive had undiagnosed ADHD, which then got confirmed by her therapist, her psychiatrist, and her general practitioner.

[00:36:31] Jane Asher Reaney: Hmm. So. Different, it manifests itself differently in everyone, I guess. 

[00:36:36] Jami Shapiro: It does. And it's been there. we have all been like, cobbling it together. So the reason that I bring this up is that there's a part where you mention struggling with people and having a hard time with someone that really hurt you.

[00:36:48] Jami Shapiro: Yes. And again, I am the same way. I have a very strong sense of justice, and if somebody does me wrong. I or someone that I love, I cannot let go of it. It's really hard for me. And I wanted to talk to you 'cause I know that people with ADHD at least can struggle with that, with they, we tend to have a lot of rejection, sensitivity, social anxiety.

[00:37:13] Jami Shapiro: So I would love to hear where the book led you with that. 'cause it's definitely something I work towards. 

[00:37:18] Jane Asher Reaney: Yeah. It's painful. It's really hard, especially when you're blindsided by a relationship that you have in your head is one way, and then this other person tells you that's not how they perceive the relationship, and then it gets torn apart and I love my people. I really, to this day, I had like a 40, 42 year relationship. Very good. Best friend. Best friend in the whole wide world. And she. Decided to, blast me through an email. Like really blast me, like so much so that I like burst into tears and I was sobbing.

[00:37:57] Jane Asher Reaney: And then I reread it and reread it. And reread it. And then I responded. And what I do, I apologize, apologize, apologize. Oh my God, I didn't know I was an ogre. Oh my God. I didn't know I was this horrible human being. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. and then she thanks me. For the apology, but then she starts another laundry list of things with me.

[00:38:19] Jane Asher Reaney: And so halfway through reading that email, I actually burst out laughing and I thought we're done. but I will tell you this. I have learned a lot about letting go and what I do to let go is I pray for her. I send her so much love and light. I hope she can find a new friend. I think there's something going on that I'm not aware of because I mean. We were very good friends. I mean really, really, really good friends. So sometimes people surprise me and we do need to let go of damaging relationships, but the best way to do it is not to fight it. Not to throw anything negative at it. And not even, don't feel sorry for them either, because then you're giving them that not so kind energy.

[00:39:12] Jane Asher Reaney: Just. Love, pour the love on it from a distance. let them go. Godspeed. I hope you find your way because I truly believe when we cross, when I cross and this friend crosses, we'll be reunited and we'll go, oh, I see now I see what you were talking about. I get it. Oh my gosh. And there's nothing, there's nothing to fix.

[00:39:38] Jane Asher Reaney: because we will have this greater understanding that if you really are coming from love and we return to love, what is there to be upset about? Why do we, hate on people for no apparent reason or judge them? It's like, stop it. Stop it. 

[00:39:56] Jami Shapiro: I know they say one of the best things that you can do when you're in discourse with someone is to try and be in their shoes and to experience things in a way that they may be experiencing.

[00:40:08] Jami Shapiro: And again, I saw kind of your eyes go up. There can be a mental illness and there can be, but I also have heard, one of my beliefs about what comes next is that when we do pass, we experience the ways that we made other people feel both good and bad. Absolutely.

[00:40:22] Jane Asher Reaney: And 

[00:40:23] Jami Shapiro: so, that's one of my things. So, okay. I always like to ask when I'm closing my interview, first off, I wanna make sure that if, people can find you okay. Who want to get your book. So 

[00:40:36] Jane Asher Reaney: sure. 

[00:40:37] Jami Shapiro: Anything that you wanna leave everybody with before I ask you the final question? 

[00:40:41] Jane Asher Reaney: You know, just be kind.

[00:40:43] Jane Asher Reaney: I don't think that there's enough of that right now. And it doesn't matter what you perceive as somebody doing wrong to you or against you. I don't know. I just think that kindness and compassion is really the way that we're gonna get through a very tumultuous time on the planet. And I don't think it's about. Unicorns and magic wands and rainbows. I do truly, truly believe it's about our shared humanity about being kind. So that is my thing. It's like, if you can do anything or be anything at all, please be kind. 

[00:41:23] Jami Shapiro: Okay. So, so then we'll go back to the other I was gonna just say that if you wanted to find Jane's book or listen to her pod, I believe you're relaunching your podcast.

[00:41:32] Jami Shapiro: I am. Yes. It's called the, the next room, correct? 

[00:41:35] Jane Asher Reaney: Yes. But I'm refocusing it on grief because I have found that I need to get a little bit more concise with my message and grief, and obviously the afterlife is a big part of it, but people are hurting. I have been finding and hearing from my fan base that they really need help to work through the stages of grief.

[00:41:58] Jane Asher Reaney: And not that I'm an expert, but I have a lot of tools in my toolbox to help them through grief because God knows. I did it myself, and I continue to do it every time. Like people call me every day like, oh my gosh, my sister just died. And I'm like, okay, here's what you gotta do. Here's what we're gonna do to get through this.

[00:42:18] Jane Asher Reaney: So, yes, I'm restructuring and I'll relaunch it in the fall. So, but right now I'm writing the next room too. So that has got me hyper-focused. And of course I'm working for this really bitching company called Silver Linings Transitions, and I'm doing some outreach for them. So I'm a busy girl.

[00:42:37] Jami Shapiro: Yeah, sounds like it. It sounds like a case of ADHD if you ask me 

[00:42:42] Jane Asher Reaney: all over the place. Absolutely. Yeah. 

[00:42:44] Jami Shapiro: Yeah. Well, we can continue that one. Okay, so here you mentioned grief first of all so that I don't forget, Jane has a website right now. It's Jane Asher Reaney. So it's spelled J-A-N-E-A-S-H-E-R-R-E-A-N-E-Y.com.

[00:43:01] Jami Shapiro: So that's, if you wanna find Jane, find her books. This is my question. Yes. when somebody realizes that they have likely been living with ADHD their whole lives, and I'll give you the case of my mom brilliant woman, but never finished college and just could never find the career or the thing and just kind of would move from thing to thing to thing and is now 78 years old and reflecting on her life.

[00:43:27] Jami Shapiro: And interestingly, she's co-writing the book with me. But not everybody is gonna be writing, co-writing a book at 78. But a lot of people are coming to the discovery that they have had ADHD their whole lives, and they've always felt like they were too much or they couldn't get it together. And they've had all these negative messages coming at them.

[00:43:48] Jami Shapiro: There's a grief. There's a grief, and there's a grief and there's a relief, like a relief. And oh, it, there was nothing wrong with me. My brain worked differently. But what do you say to the grief? 

[00:44:02] Jane Asher Reaney: You know what? I work with it, it's almost like I put it on like a favorite old sweatshirt that's not so favorite.

[00:44:11] Jane Asher Reaney: And you just you gotta live with it. You learn to grow with your grief, I guess, is what I've been finding. And that it actually helps you break through. To a greater understanding of why we're here. Because to grieve whether you're grieving a loss of one of your favorite people, whether you're grieving, loss of income, maybe you're grieving a divorce whatever it is, we grieve in so many different ways and I just really think it's important that we embrace it, Kind of grow with it. 'cause it will push you, it will break you down. 'cause it is an astonishingly strong emotion and it's tied so directly to love. So if you're grieving really hard right now, it's because you've loved really hard. So there's that side of it. So you can't. You can't be down on it.

[00:45:06] Jane Asher Reaney: No. You have to kinda like look at it and massage it and play with it and go, I see you and then welcome it in. as my big sister Lynn would say, have your pity party and then put on your big girl panties and deal with it. So, I don't know if that answers your question or not. No, I 

[00:45:23] Jami Shapiro: love that.

[00:45:24] Jami Shapiro: And it reminds me actually of the Ecclesiastes verse to everything there is a season. 

[00:45:29] Jane Asher Reaney: Mm. I love that. 

[00:45:31] Jane Asher Reaney: And that when I was going through my divorce, A time to break down and a time to build. and 

[00:45:36] Jami Shapiro: I just got chills by the way, as soon as I said it to you. Like, I think that, so did I, that there are joys of ADHD and amazing, amazing gifts and there are albatrosses.

[00:45:47] Jami Shapiro: and I think that we are so concerned with not feeling our feelings and pushing our feelings away and eating our feelings and drinking our feelings And medicating our feelings, and sometimes you just have to be in it and let it pass through you. So I don't think I could have said anything better.

[00:46:04] Jami Shapiro: This is such a great, great interview. One of my longest, but I am not surprised because like I said, I couldn't wait to have a conversation with you. As I was reading the book, just more and more and more things. Thank you for being part of my life, being a guest on The Grandma has ADHD podcast and for being an amazing, amazing new team member for Silver Linings Transitions here in San Diego.

[00:46:29] Jami Shapiro: Thank you all for listening. If you enjoyed this podcast, please like and subscribe to it. Share it with your friends and your family. And we are building a community called On Grandma has ADHD Facebook page. I'm going to put this out there right now. I am so nose down and completing my manuscript.

[00:46:49] Jami Shapiro: So that it can launch for October for ADHD awareness month that I'm not managing the page as well as I should because I only have so much bandwidth. But if you go there and you post, there are people who are sharing their experiences, it is going to be an amazing, supportive community. And we all need people.

[00:47:08] Jami Shapiro: We are all. Here with other people for a reason. And so anyway, thank you so much for listening. And this really was a message in making the rest of your life the best of your life. Thanks so 

[00:47:21] Jane Asher Reaney: much. 

 

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