Chores Q&A with Kendra Morgan

Kendra Morgan answers some of the most common questions we have about the topic of chores and expectations.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome! My name is Kendra Morgan, and I'm the host of the Rise and Build Podcast, where we hope to empower you to rise up and build a strong family, knowing you have to strengthen your hands to do the good work. Come with us as we rise and build. Hey you guys, welcome to the Rise and Build Podcast. Today we are wrapping up the chores versus expectation series. Um, and so we are gonna look a little different. Um, I don't know if this is good or bad. No, I'm just kidding. Um, I'm excited. It's gonna be great. I'm setting across from Melissa Cole. Um, Melissa is a huge part of building all children and a huge part of my life. Um, and so she is actually gonna ask me questions today, and I'm gonna try my darndest to answer them. Um, so before we get started, I always like our listeners to know who they're talking or who they're listening to. Um so tell us about you, Melissa.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

I'm a wife to Colin. We've been married 18 years. We have three beautiful children, um, 16, almost 12, and almost nine. Um, and they are the joy to my life. I'm very active in our church and um active in my kids' activities and love doing life with them. Yeah, you're a cheerleader coach.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

Go team. Go team. Um, you're bringing all the cheerleader moves to us. So Melissa has been a part of Building All Children, I don't even know how many years. Um, and literally I remember praying, asking the Lord, I just needed someone that would be compassionate for when that phone rang and could talk to parents, but could also come alongside me and help me just manage all of this. And as I prayed, for some reason your name kept coming into my head. And so I remember I called one of your friends that I knew pretty well and said, Hey, do you think Melissa Cole could come work for me? And she's like, Oh, I think she would be excellent. So I don't even remember.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Well, and it's crazy because I think it was literally the day before my phone rang and it was you. I had I had always worked full-time with my boys. Um, we had our third child, our daughter, and I stayed home for two and a half years with her, which was a blessing. But I found out real quick that being a staying at home mom was not for me. Like I missed being around people. Um, I didn't feel like I was being my best self and not probably the best parent. And so I had literally spoken out loud the day before and said, I just wish someone knew what I was capable of and just would let me work when I had the availability. And my phone rang and you said, Do you have child care? And I had just enrolled Cheney in a two-day Mother's Day all program. And that that's where we started. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

And you're like, well, I don't know. I remember you were like, I want to be, I'm like, I'll let you be a mom first. Like that is one of our goals here at Building All Children is we want you guys to be moms first. We want you to be a wife first. Um, I'll be flexible with your hours. Um, and what I didn't know is that it would end up being what it is. Yeah. Um, I mean, we have a beautiful friendship, but I mean, you're our operations director. You run, I would kind of say you run this facility, like you keep things up to par, and then you're also that person that runs the intake process. And so when a family calls with concern, it's either you or your team that it talks to them and you have such a way of meeting that family where they are and where they need to get.

SPEAKER_00 3:29

Yeah, I mean, I'm just honored to have that position. Um, because before you made that phone call to me, I made a phone call to Building All Children. Yeah, I was a mom struggling with, you know, uh something that I didn't know what to do with. And I had mentioned it to the pediatrician and we were going down a route that I didn't believe in. And the same friend you called said, You've got to call Building All Children. And so it started there. And I think that step led me to my second child who really needed help. I was put there for that. I mean, BAC was introduced to me for that reason. Yeah. Um, I truly believe that. And it's changed the services that we received, have changed our life, changed our marriage, changed our family. I don't think I would be the person that I am today. And I got a lot of work to do, but without Kendra Morgan Morgan and Building All Children, um, really just my whole heart in this. Cause sweet. It's beautiful the work that goes on here.

SPEAKER_01 4:32

Well, and it's sweet because um we always say once you're a part of BAC, your whole family. And so Colin has moved the build letters a lot. And um, even today there was something that came up and I was like, I don't know how to do this. And Melissa's like, Colin can do it. Colin doesn't know yet. But I mean, there's just I mean, and the whole family.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

I mean, all my kids now at this point have volunteered and they love serving for building all children. Yeah. So I love it then.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

Okay, so that's a little story about Melissa. Um, I love it. We could talk all day about all that. So she is gonna hit me with questions. Um, where'd you get your questions?

SPEAKER_00 5:06

Well, honestly, I did a little Google search. Okay. Um as parents, as a mom, I have all these questions, and I'm like, I'm sure there's a lot of questions out there that parents are curious about. So yeah, I found these questions and okay, I'm just gonna rapid fire. Okay, let's go for it. All right. So is it harmful if I don't give my child chores until they're older?

SPEAKER_01 5:28

Okay. So um I'm answering these questions off of my opinion and probably some knowledge is like being in the field and things, but a lot of this is gonna be my opinion. So take it or leave it. Um, I would I don't harmful is a strong word. I think there are kids that grow up that don't do chores and they have not had harm done to them. I think that there is um valid research to show that if children know how to do something and are taught how to do it, when they get married, they will carry on those hard work ethics. So it is important to teach our children to work hard. Um, it was interesting, one of our child development specialists, because Andy and Melissa and I sat around and kind of talked about chores and expectations, when we got done, one of them, I wish she would have said this on the recording, but one of them said, it's interesting, my husband was taught how to do specific chores and he does things so well. He knows how to make the bed right and how to clean the bathrooms right. She's like, and then she said, and I didn't have a lot of chores growing up and I lack in some of those areas. So I think it was just a good example of what you teach your children now, it will go with them forever. So why would you not want to teach them those things? So I think chores are important.

SPEAKER_00 6:42

Yeah. How do you know when they're ready for certain chores?

SPEAKER_01 6:45

I think you have to know your children. And so some kids, um, the organizing of unloading a dishwasher, it can be really hard for them and they might hate it. Um, doesn't mean that they only do things they like, right? We have to push them to do things they don't want to do because that's life. You we can't just expect them to get a job someday and they tell their boss they're only gonna do the reports that they want to do. Like, you know, we're building men and we're building women. Yeah. So I think, but you have to know their job. I kind of mentioned that in our last podcast. Like my Addy loves to write. Paper and pencil is her thing. It was her jam growing up. And so she always made my grocery list. I made that kind of be a chore. She loved it. She felt like she was helping. Um, Addy is not one that likes to do dishes. She hates the gunk on the plates, it grosses her out. But I still made her do it every once in a while. I didn't give that chore to her all the time, but she still had to do it. So you it's important for them to do things they're good at, but it's also important for them to know like you don't always aren't, you're not gonna like it. I really, really don't like cooking. I still cook for my family every night. So I think it's a balance. You kind of have to know the kids and give them some things that they're gonna just have some natural success at. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

Um do chores really help with social, emotional, and academic development?

SPEAKER_01 8:04

Yeah. So I love that question. So I felt like Andy answered some of that really well because she talked a lot about like executive functioning and the order of the brain and how how it helps with that. Um, I think social emotional, if you teach a kid how to take their plate after dinner, rinse it off, and put it in a dishwasher, when they go over to their friend's house and they do that, the parents are gonna go, huh, I kind of want my kid to hang out with that kid, right? So the more we teach them to clean up after themselves, to start a task and to finish a task socially, the more they're gonna be accepted. They're gonna go into a classroom, they're gonna take order well from a teacher because you're giving them order, they're gonna know how to start that assignment, they're gonna know how to finish that assignment. And then hopefully we pray they're observant of those kids that don't know how to do that, and they'll step in and help them. So my answer would be yes, yes, and yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

Um, should I rotate chores or keep them consistent?

SPEAKER_01 9:02

I think a child can get bored with the same thing, just like we do. If you rotate chores, it works more skills. So I believe in rotating them, making them come up with new things. Um, I believe some chores, if you can work together. Um, for my kids, they all hated unloading the dishwasher. I don't know why, but it was a big deal. So I would just say, okay, fine, Jace, you get the top one, Addy, you get the bottom, or I would make them work together. So I think rotating is healthy. I think what happens is we live in a busy world. We don't even remember what chores we gave them yesterday. Right. And here we are today, and it just becomes too much. And so we just end up doing it ourselves. But what we have to know is when we do it ourselves, it seems easier, but you're not teaching your kids anything. And so the whole goal is we're trying to train them and equip them. So rotate it, switch it up. I think kids need need change is good.

SPEAKER_00 9:55

Yeah. Um, what insight can you give us um on balancing it all between schoolwork and activities and then making sure that they're um doing their chores and taking care of responsibility?

SPEAKER_01 10:09

Well, I think that the activities um are a privilege. Right. And so our kids need to know in order to play sports and to do gymnastics, it's a privilege to do those things. And the reason it's a privilege is because you've done the work to get the privilege. So I think, I mean, school, you have to go to school, homework, you have to do homework. And so if you go to school, you come home, you get your homework done, you get to soccer, and you get home at 10 o'clock, they probably don't need to do their chore. Like you have to go day by day with that kind of stuff. But it's also okay to say, man, we were really busy today and we didn't do our chores. So we're gonna have to figure out how to do that tomorrow. And if tomorrow is busy, we're gonna have to figure out how to do it on the weekend. The chores still have to get done. So I think take a little bit of pressure off of yourself. It doesn't have to be this gorgeous chart that you check off and make it all pretty. It just has to be teaching them how to work hard and complete a task.

SPEAKER_00 11:02

Yeah. Um, so what about rewards for doing chores? Um, is it expected or do they get paid or a special treat for finishing that?

SPEAKER_01 11:13

Okay, I love that question. So I asked Karen M. Gurley, I interviewed her on finances and I asked her that question, and she was a big fan of getting an allowance because it teaches them the value of dollar and what to do with that. I asked um Andy and Melissa that question, and they both felt like um there are certain chores that are just being part of the house that you don't pay, and then there are chores that go above and beyond and you do pay. Um, so it was kind of interesting to hear everyone's different perspective. Yeah. I was quiet during that. I didn't say much. Um, so my opinion is I we didn't necessarily pay our kids for chores um because it was more of an expectation. I had things I expected them to do, and it I felt like um I feed them and they they get they don't pay me rent. Like they live in my house and um they are they have clothes and I I take very good care of them in that way. So I felt like it was kind of their job to do their part because we're doing our part too. So I didn't pay them in that way. Now there were times where um, like one time Jace just out of the blue, it wasn't even asked, he went and picked up our neighbors' leaves. And I felt like that was above and beyond um a very sweet act of kindness. And so I paid, I gave him a little bit for that. So we would do things like that. Andy mentioned that one of her kids will come up with something they really, really want and they will ask for chores that she they can get paid for. I love that. So I think it's okay, and I do think we have to give them the value of a dollar and what that looks like. But there are some chores I kind of think they just need to do.

SPEAKER_00 12:48

We started with Carson, our oldest, um, doing allowance and it was for chores. But as a parent that never has cash on hand, I didn't have the money to pay up whenever it was time to pay up. So then it was kind of like we started, you know, when we go to the store, if you know, you want something, but then that was inconsistent. And so we really backed off with our other two. Um, and Carson stopped receiving allowance. And it was just more of this is our expectation, and we all have to work together to get, you know, things done. And um, it's more of an expectation. But I will try if we go to Sonic and get a drink or an ice cream cone. You guys have really helped me out. Thanks for working hard, and we acknowledge it in that way.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

So yeah, no, I love it. So, yeah, I think that there's again, and that's where this is hard because every household is a little different. Yeah, family rules are a little different. So everyone has to do what's best for their family. Yeah. Um, but we didn't do a lot of chores.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

We've come across some friends um that their kids will only do things for treats. And it's funny, Cheney. I mean, you know, Chaney, she's like a little adult, and she'll call it out and say, We don't we don't just get things because we want things. Right. We have to earn things, right?

SPEAKER_01 14:06

I love that.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

You know, and she'll say, No discipline, like that's hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 14:10

So funny. No, but it is true. We don't want him to do the chores to get the reward. Yeah, we want him to do the chores to work hard to complete the task and to help the family out. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

So yeah. So any tips on um if a child is refusing to do chores?

SPEAKER_01 14:27

Um, well, I think we have to figure out why they're refusing. So is it something that they actually hate to do? For instance, my Maggie hated yard work. She didn't like working in the leaves, she didn't like doing any of that. Now the girl could go in and clean a house spotless. So you kind of have to know why they're refusing to do it. If they're just being defiant and refusing to work hard, to me, that's that's a problem not with a chore, but it's with their work ethic. And so we need to back them up and let them know that we expect them to work hard. And so do it with little tasks. They have to feel a sense of accomplishment. And so maybe the task we're asking them to do is too big. Um, so back it up, make their tasks simple, and then praise them for it. Yeah. Not with a dollar, but a high five or a hug. Or um, I've also learned, especially boys, boys love to be complimented outside with other people. So if you, if he can complete a small task and then you're hanging out with some friends and you can say, oh my gosh, you guys, Jackson today, he totally picked up all the games and he completed it. I it helped me so much. And it was, I can't wait to tell his dad when he gets home. But let Jackson kind of hear you say that, that motivates Jackson to want to do good. So it's just it's kind of meeting them where they are and pushing them to be better.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

Yeah. Um, how about how do we make it feel like a normal part of life? Like this is just what we do instead of like a punishment.

SPEAKER_01 15:54

No, I think that's good. I think um, I think what happens is um we aren't consistent, and then our home and our world gets chaotic. And when our world gets chaotic, we blow up. And so I see it over and over again. I've done it over and over again. We don't do the chores, we don't do the chores, we don't do the cleanup, and all of a sudden there's just stuff everywhere, I'm losing it, and then it becomes a punishment because I'm irritated. I'm irritated that no one's picking up, I'm irritated that no one's listening to me. So I think it comes back to, and I I know I use this word a lot, just being consistent. If you skip the chores because you're busy, you have to find time the next day to get them in. Um, I know for me, if my kitchen is clean, I'm in a better mood. And so our kids are that way too. Most kids like structure and most kids like to, I mean, if your place is clean and picked up, they know where their shoes are, they know where their backpack is. That it makes their world easier. So I would say if it's if it's not going smoothly, you've got to get more consistent.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

Which in turn, if it's going smooth for them and it's making their day easier, it's making our day as a mom easier. Getting everybody out the door, doing all the things. Yes. Um, what's the difference between age-appropriate responsibility and then just being too strict?

SPEAKER_01 17:18

Yeah. So I think we have to kind of slow down and realize, like, I was just screening a little girl the other day and she was two years, seven months. And the mom said, Is it wrong for me to use the word patience? Like she's just not very patient. She wants something and I can't get it to her and she gets upset. Well, a two and a half year old doesn't have patience. So she didn't know what that word means. So I told the mom, instead of she goes, she'll say, I want a drink, and she's like, if I don't get it for her, right then and there, she throws a fit. And I said, Well, you have to, instead of saying just a minute, she doesn't get that. Like in her world, she has no concept of time. So I just told her that um she would be better off saying, Oh, you want a drink? Yes. Do you want the blue cup or the yellow cup? So she's just changing her thought process. But in her mind, she thinks she's getting a drink, but she's finishing her task. So sometimes we have to change that to fit what's age appropriate for them. Sure. Um, and then tell me the question.

SPEAKER_00 18:15

Um, it was um the difference between age-appropriate responsibility and being too strict.

SPEAKER_01 18:21

Yeah. And so I think we have to know little, like we can't be too strict with them. I mean, we just have to coach them and guide them and teach them and train them. I think when they get older, those expectations, if they're broken, they need to be disciplined. And so strict, I don't know about that. I think there needs to be a health, healthy balance with that. Yeah. Um, I think it is okay to hold our children accountable though. For some reason, we think we're doing a really good job parenting them when we're gentle with them and we don't challenge them. And they need to be challenged, they need to be pushed. Um, and then when they do a good job, we praise them. Right. And so strict, I'm careful with. I don't think we need to be strict, but I do think we need to push them and challenge them.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

Um, what about when they do the chore wrong?

SPEAKER_01 19:08

Uh well, so we talked a little bit about this. You don't go right behind them and clean it up. You don't fix it. Um, but it is okay to stop them and tell them what they did wrong. Tell them what they did good and then tell them what they did wrong. Help them redo it, and then the next time they should do it better and you should high-five them. If they don't do it better, it's another teachable moment. Um, right? I mean, that's why in the Bible it says we're gonna train our children and do it, teach them to do it again and again and again. We're it's over and over and over. If we could teach them to clean the kitchen one time and they do it perfectly, wouldn't that be beautiful? Yes. But it's just not, it's not reality. So, I mean, that's part of the chores, is you have to, you're training them. You're gonna teach them again and again and again. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 19:51

Um, okay, one last question. Um, how do I make expectations realistic when I have more than one child?

SPEAKER_01 19:59

Um, well, I think it's healthy to teach our children that life isn't fair. And so they're all gonna be treated a little different. Um, try to make it equal in the sense of feeling loved, whether you love them differently or different ways, they still need to feel loved. That's not what I'm saying. But I don't think it all has to be fair and equal. I think you have to know your child's strength. And if you have um a kid that's in the season of volleyball and they are volleyballing all the time and practicing all the time, then they're probably not gonna have as many chores. But I think that's the beauty of teaching you the siblings to have favor with each other. And so our goal was we wanted our kids to be friends forever, not just while they're living together in our house. And so we worked really hard to teach them, you know what, Addy's got a lot of volleyball going on. Let's help her with this. Um, but then when her time volleyball season stopped, the next kid was busy, it was her turn to step up. And so I I don't know if it's ever fair or equal. Right. Um, but I think it's teaching them that we help each other out because we're a team and we're a family. I say it all the time. The longest one, the probably the longest relationship you'll have is with your siblings. Yeah. So make it special because it's it's a relationship that you'll never have. And so um you've you've got to foster it and build it. Yeah, I love that.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

Well, thank you for answering my question. And then apparently all of Google's questions. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:28

So um we always wrap up with a scripture. Um, and do you have no? I'm just kidding. Okay, um, I have one. And so um in the Bible, in Colossians, it talks about how we are to work for the Lord and not for man. And I think as we're teaching our children to do chores or to do our expectations, the whole goal is we want them to love the Lord with all their heart, with all their mind, and with all their soul. And we want them to work really, really hard for the Lord. I do believe the Lord favors hard work, but we have to teach our children how to work hard. We don't want them to do chores for us, or we don't want them to do chores for that dollar, but we want them to do chores because they have a concept of this good God that has blessed them with a house that we need to take care of. Like we want it to be kind of like a kingdom-driven perspective. And so I challenge parents to teach their kids to work hard for the Lord and not for man. I love that. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 22:25

You're welcome. Let us close with a word of prayer. Dear Lord Jesus, thank you for these children in our lives. Thank you for all the resources you have placed in our life to help us rise up and build. It's in Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Thank you for listening to the Rise and Build Podcast, brought to you by Building All Children, a child development program in Tulsa, Oklahoma. To learn more about Building All Children or the Rise and Build Podcast, please visit buildingallchildren.org. This podcast is crowdfunded. We appreciate our sponsors and the donations given by our listeners. Come with us as we rise and build.