Transforming Defiance: Building Connection and Growth with Your Neurodivergent Child

Do you wish you had a roadmap to turn defiant behaviors into opportunities for growth and connection with your ADHD or neurodivergent child? Uncover the secrets to setting clear boundaries that foster a sense of safety while keeping the environment fun and engaging. In this episode, we walk you through essential strategies from our free guide, emphasizing the power of play over punishment. By recognizing and anticipating your child's behavior patterns, you can nip defiance in the bud and create a more harmonious home.

Delight in creative, interactive strategies that nurture positive behavior and emotional understanding. We'll introduce you to innovative tools like a "rules and rewards bingo" game and the intriguing concept of a "detective journal" for emotional pattern recognition. Discover how a simple game day or reading session can strengthen connections without overwhelming your child. Plus, learn the art of self-reflection to refine your parenting approach, building a stronger, more understanding relationship with your child. Tune in and transform challenging moments into bonding experiences with these empowering insights.

00:00 Welcome and Recap of Episode Four

00:49 Tips 6-10 for Managing Defiance

04:08 Play Before Punishing

06:27 Understanding Your Child's Patterns

08:10 Investigating Underlying Causes

11:02 Reflecting on Your Own Responses

14:53 Fun Activities to Reinforce Tips

20:06 Conclusion and Additional Resources

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Transcript

Tips for Supporting ADHD Child

Laurie Bloyer 1:45

Hello and welcome back to episode five of our podcast. Thank you so much for joining us. I'm so happy to have you here Today. We're going to continue our discussion that we started last week in episode four, so obviously, if you didn't catch it, go check out that episode. We talked about defiance in your ADHD child or neurodivergent child and how to help with defiance, so we're going to pick up. We did one through five tips from my freebie that were basic tips in my free guide, but I wanted to go into more details in this podcast. So today we're going to hit on 6 through 10. So welcome aboard and let's get quirky. So number six it'd be really good if you are super clear about rules and consequences.

Laurie Bloyer 2:43

Children with ADHD often struggle with impulsivity. Raise your hand if your child struggles with impulsivity. I know I can see you. I can see you believe it or not, through the power of some kind of new technology in podcasting. I can see you. Raise your hand.

Tip 7 Play Before Punishing

Laurie Bloyer 3:01

Yes, impulsivity is a huge side of our children's ADHD, so it's crucial to be explicit about rules and consistent with consequences. Vague or complex instructions can be confusing for them, so keep rules simple and specific. For example, instead of saying behave, say keep your hands to yourself. Oh, we've probably have said that before, haven't we? Additionally, the consequences should be immediate and clearly related to the behavior. For example, if a child refuses to clean up after playing, they may lose access to their toys for a short period. Consistent enforcement of these rules helps your child understand boundaries and predict the outcomes of their actions, and I know, as parents, that's hard right. So they might have a meltdown because you say keep your hands to yourself or because you say you might have lost your toys for a little while. It's our job as parents to not be their friend, but to be their parent, and we have to hold those guidelines because, at the end of the day, it creates peace in the house. It creates peace in your own body, it creates peace in their body. Children really need those boundaries in order to feel safe. They're looking for those boundaries and if you don't set them, they will set them and it will be their rule against yours, which you are the adult, and so you'll have to take the lead there. So I strongly encourage you to set up those boundaries, set up those guidelines so that they can feel safe. So post, I guess, rules, or you can say guidelines visually in key places in your home, such as you could do a chore chart on the fridge or a list of expected behaviors on the door, or even pictures if they can't read yet and use positive language. Impossible, of course we don't want to be you know. We want our home to be a loving, nurturing place, whatever that place is. So use, you know, use kind words instead of don't yell could be an example of a positive statement. So really looking for those guidelines and how you can set your household up for success using those guidelines rather than the child stating their guidelines. So, number seven play before punishing.

Tip 8 Understanding Your Child's Patterns

Laurie Bloyer 5:57

Building a strong, positive relationship with your child is key to reducing defiant behavior. Engaging in fun, stress-free activities with your child strengthens the bond between you and makes them more likely to cooperate in challenging situations. When you invest in playtime and shared joy, truly, truly invest Hear what I'm saying. Invest in playtime. It's an investment. It lays the foundations for a relationship where your child is more willing to listen and comply. Also, play offers opportunities to teach social skills, turn-taking and emotional regulation in low-stakes environment. Isn't that wonderful? What a great way. And yes, it might be challenging for us. Maybe the game is boring, maybe they're having a tantrum, but it's a great learning opportunity. It became to the point where my son started saying quit turning this into a learning opportunity, mom. But yes, all of these are wonderful learning opportunities.

Tip 9 Investigating Underlying Causes

Laurie Bloyer 7:06

So set aside at least 10 to 15 minutes of uninterrupted time daily for one-on-one play with your child. At least 10 to 15 minutes, if not more, depending on their age, letting them choose the activity. During this time, focus on positive interactions, praise and laughter and, as your kid gets older, obviously play. Maybe not so much, but you know the car rides home. Don't just turn on the radio, don't you know? Look at your phone, or have your teen look at their phone, but talk to them about their day. Ask them about their day and try to stay away from like how was your day? But maybe one activity I do a lot with my students and my son is high, low, wild buffalo is one, or some people call it a rose bud thorn. Those activities ask your child to talk about their high of the day, the low of the day and something wild of the day. So talk to your child, ask them guided questions, not just an open-ended how was your day? For the teens? All right number eight.

Laurie Bloyer 8:15

Know your child's patterns. By now. You should probably know them.

Laurie Bloyer 8:20

Children with ADHD and other neurodiversities often follow certain patterns in their behavior, triggered by specific events, environments or emotions. For example, your child may become more defiant when they're tired, hungry or transitioning between activities. Understanding these triggers can help you anticipate challenging moments and create strategies to prevent defiance before it happens. Differentiating between defiance and overwhelm is key to knowing when to intervene and how to help your child regain control. If you would like to track the triggers, which I strongly recommend, then I have a trigger tracker form where you can write down what is setting your child off and then start to narrow it down. Is it food, is it sleep, is it a certain person or a certain time of day? I highly recommend the trigger tracker sheet. Let me know if you want that. So keep this trigger tracker for at least a week or two, noting when defiant behavior happens, what preceded it, how your child responded to the interventions you gave, and use this data to create a plan to manage high-risk times of the day. To manage high-risk times of the day, and any of your therapeutic team can help with that. I'd be happy to help also. Yeah, please contact me about the trigger tracker and I'd be happy to help.

Tip 10 Reflecting on Your Own Responses

Laurie Bloyer 10:04

Okay, number nine investigate underlying causes. Really, what is the true cause? Defined behavior in children with ADHD can be a sign of frustration, anxiety or an additional diagnosis such as oppositional defiant disorder, pda or other learning disabilities. It's important to work with specialists, such as your coach here, or, if you have a psychologist or other therapists, to understand any underlying causes of defiance. That's what I do as a holistic neurogrowth, learning and life success coach is looking at the holistic picture. What are the possible underlying causes of defiance? What is it and that trigger tracker really helps. Is it sleep? Is it nutrition? Is it a problem with executive functioning skills? So that's really important to look at those underlying causes and identifying and addressing coexisting you might have also heard the word comorbidity conditions is essential to providing the right support for your child, as defiant behavior may stem from deeper emotional or cognitive issues rather than simple rebellion.

Laurie Bloyer 11:21

So what I want you to do is seek an evaluation, either from me, the Holistic Neurogrowth Learning Success Coach, or from another source your school's diagnostician, psychologist, whoever you trust. Seek that evaluation of your child's defiance. What is the underlying problem or difficulty? And really the holistic approach is the way to go. I believe in it 180,000%, because, as a teacher for many, many years, working with many, many students, I see that there needs to be a bigger picture. It cannot just be one way, it cannot just be one solution or one area that needs to be looked at. It has to be the big picture that needs to be looked at to help your child's defiance. So seek this evaluation of your child's defiance. If it is persistent and it is accompanied by other concerns or behaviors such as severe mood swings or anxiety, right, we want to look at that whole child approach and see what's causing these areas of concern for you. The results can guide your interventions that address the root causes of the behavior.

Fun Activities to Reinforce Tips

Tip 6 Game Ideas

Laurie Bloyer 14:27

Don't try to do it alone. You have support, you have help and there's lots of resources for you. All right, number 10. Moving on to our last guideline, our last tip Number 10, reflect on your own responses. Parenting a child with ADHD is hard, I'm not going to lie. It is hard and exhausting and you want to cry and you want to give up and you're wondering what you're doing wrong. And I understand all of that. I have been there and I know, I know. So that's why I'm here for you, that's why I'm doing this podcast, that's why I'm reaching out and begging parents to get help, because you do not have to do it alone. There are support groups, there are coaches like me, there are therapists. You do not have to do it alone. It is exhausting, yes, it is trying, yes, but once you figure out the secret code, you are going to be joyful and ecstatic and live a life of peace very, very soon. We just have to get that holistic solution figured out for your child.

Tip 7 Yes Day

Laurie Bloyer 15:41

So in moments of frustration, your reactions may be unintentionally rough or aggressive, or escalate your behavior, your child's behavior, or escalate your behavior, your child's behavior, your spouse's behavior. It could result in not a peaceful home right. So reflect on how your behavior whether it's impatience, yelling, inconsistency it might be contributing to your child's defiance. Yes, sometimes we have to look at ourselves to see how our child is being defiant. Recognizing and changing those patterns can have a huge impact on your relationship and help de-escalate those horrible confrontations, especially the ones out in public right. I spoke about that in a previous episode. So seeking support through parent coaching or therapy or working with me with a holistic neurogrowth, learning and life success coach can give you tools to manage your responses more effectively.

Tip 8 Detective Journal

Tip 9 Superhero Mind

Laurie Bloyer 16:49

So a tip I have for you is to keep a journal of your reactions to defiant behaviors for a few days. Reflect, kind of like the trigger tracker you're doing for your child. Do a tracker for you. Reflect on how you felt and what you could do differently next time. Try a few mindfulness activities to keep yourself centered during stressful moments and I will definitely be talking about mindfulness activities as part of this podcast and our holistic approaches. So not just one way. As I said earlier, there's multiple ways that we need to approach the wellness of your child. Okay, I hope those strategies really helped you. I'm going to go on to our fun activities for 6 through 10. And I really really want to hear from you and understand if these are helping you and if there's anything else you need support with more urgently. I do also have Now Mondays at 6 pm Mountain Time that's 5 Pacific and 8 Eastern. I am doing lives, so I'd love for you to join me if you have questions. Also, join the Facebook group that link is in the show notes so that you can be part of our exclusive content that comes out to our NeuroQuirky Facebook group. All right, so now let's talk about some fun activities you can do to tie all of this together and have fun with your child and your teen.

Tip 10 Reflect with Your Child

Laurie Bloyer 18:36

So for number six be clear about rules and consequences. What about playing a game? Right, games are always filled with rules and consequences, even from chutes and ladders. If you guys remember that, you could do a rules and rewards bingo, create a bingo card. So you could create this card right, and you and your child can play together with different rules or positive behaviors, like brush your teeth without being asked or listen the first time. Each time your child follows a rule, they can mark it off. When they get five in a row, they win a small reward or whatever you choose to do reward or whatever you choose to do, like a family movie it could be. Or they get to choose the dessert for the night. So it makes following the rules fun and a game. So definitely let me know if you need help coming up with that little bingo card. I have lots of ideas for that. So a rules and rewards bingo card could be good for number six.

Conclusion and Additional Resources

Laurie Bloyer 19:46

For number seven playing together, of course. Well, any play is awesome, but play like yes day I'm sure your kids have watched that movie with you. Hopefully yes day, you could have a yes day, or even just yes, 15 minutes, yes activity, right. And so you could plan a mini adventure day or a mini activity where your child is in charge of choosing the activities they choose the park or the museum, or even set up a backyard treasure hunt. Just spend time genuinely enjoying each other's company. Letting your child take the lead helps build the bond and they'll feel more inclined to cooperate during future moments of discipline because of this strengthened connection.

Laurie Bloyer 20:36

Remember, the whole point of the play activity is to strengthen connections and you don't want to overwhelm them. You don't want to give them too much sensory overload or any of that. You want to just connect. That's the whole point. So it doesn't have to be something crazy and wild. It can be reading a book together. Even Choose the book if you want something more calm, all right, eight, getting to know your child's patterns. So you could have a detective journal. You could turn your child into a detective. Help them keep a fun detective journal to spot when they feel their best and when they get overwhelmed. Use simple emojis or stickers they can add next to the activities like a happy face for calm moments and a lightning bolt for stressful ones.

Laurie Bloyer 21:29

Obviously, if your child is older or you're a teenager, they can write in full sentences and really talk about their emotions, and then you can talk about it together and to understand their patterns. Over time, you can help them see what situations are more challenging and develop strategies together to handle them. So that's eight. Number nine how about superhero mind reading? You could play a game where you each pretend to be superheroes and try to read each other's minds and guess how the other is feeling. For example, if they had a rough day, you could say I'm guessing you're feeling tired, like a hero who just fought a battle.

Laurie Bloyer 22:13

This playful activity helps them open up about their feelings and helps you understand any underlying causes for defiance. Plus, it teaches them to recognize and name their emotions in a lighthearted way and, with your teen, just listening to them and getting them to open up. It's a skill, yes, and it's hard, I know, but if they know that you're listening, they will definitely be more willing to share and open up, even if it's the smallest emotion that they're naming. That's a win. So yay, and the last one, the last fun activity you could do is ask yourself how you're contributing. We talked about a journal earlier, but you could really dedicate a time where you and your child sit together, with no agenda, just short, interrupted block of time to talk or relax with each other. During this time, reflect with them on your responses from the week, ask what was the time I handled something that made you feel happy? How about a time that made you frustrated, something I did as a parent? Right, this is really reflecting on you as a parent and how is that working for you? It gives you a chance to share positives and connect, while showing that you're also open to growth. So I hope those ideas really helped.

Laurie Bloyer 23:38

I know this podcast went on a little bit longer today, but lots of suggestions and tips and tricks to hopefully help with your defiant child. Please keep your ideas for podcasts coming in. I love to hear from them and I am just so appreciative of all of you. Please make sure to get this guide in the show notes or at www. nexus-mastery. com/ guidelines. Okay, thank you very much. As always, keep it quirky. Thank you so much. Bye-bye.