ADHD and the Art of Building Friendships

Discover the keys to unlocking meaningful social connections for children with ADHD this Valentine's Day. What if the challenges these kids face were less about limitations and more about unique opportunities for growth? Join me, Laurie Bloyer, on this episode of Neuroquirky Nexus as we unravel the complexities of ADHD, focusing on how the ADHD brain uniquely processes social cues, often leading to unexpected hurdles like impulsivity and emotional intensity. Through real-life stories, we dive into the heart of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) and its profound impact on social interactions for children with ADHD. You'll gain insights that reveal the bravery and resilience these kids exhibit in their social worlds, as well as the compassionate support they need to flourish.

Let's turn the tide this holiday season by sharing resources, support, and understanding for the ADHD community. By providing children with the right tools and language, we can help them transform feelings of rejection into stepping stones toward stronger friendships. The journey doesn't end here—exciting announcements are on the horizon, promising new ways to empower these incredible kids. Remember, ADHD is not a barrier; it's a distinctive path to forming lasting connections. Embrace the quirks and join us in making a positive difference in the lives of children with ADHD.

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Transcript

Laurie 1:46

Hello and welcome back to the Neuroquirky Nexus. I'm Laurie Bloyer, your host and holistic neurogrowth, learning and life success coach, focusing on children who have ADHD and helping their parents have peace in their home. That's my big goal, and today we're diving into one of the most challenging parts of ADHD, which are friendships, rejection and the never-ending roller coaster of social interactions. I get this question a lot in my coaching practice, but also as I see a lot of posts on Facebook about parents just really wanting their child to have good social interactions. And as I'm recording this, it's early February. So, since Valentine's Day is right around the corner, we're going to talk about how this holiday, which is filled with friendships, love and unfortunately, it's also filled with potential rejection and unfortunately, it's also filled with potential rejection can be particularly tough for kids with ADHD. If you've ever watched your child struggle to make friends, keep friends, or if they've come home in tears after a school event, this episode is for you. We are going to talk about why socializing can be extra tricky for kids with ADHD, how impulsivity and emotional intensity impact their relationships and how we can support them without making them feel like they need to change who they are. Are you ready. Let's get quirky. Why social skills can be tricky for kids with ADHD is what we'll talk about first.

Laurie 3:35

When we think about ADHD, we usually picture kids bouncing off the wall, struggling with focus and constantly losing their homework. But one of the most overlooked struggles Social skills. Many kids with ADHD desperately want friends, but they don't always know how to build or maintain those connections. And here's why socializing can be especially difficult, because the ADHD brain processes information differently, often missing subtle nonverbal signals, things like eye rolls, shifting body language or change in tone. They might not even realize they're dominating the conversation or that their friend has lost interest in what they were talking about. For example, imagine a child is enthusiastically talking about their favorite video game how many of us can relate to that? But they are completely unaware that their friend is bored and trying to change the subject. When the friend walks away, the ADHD child feels confused and rejected, without understanding what went wrong. Has your child ever come to you and said that Impulsivity they often have in conversations? So these kids often blurt things out, and adults, right, they often blurt things out, they interrupt or they say things they don't mean. This isn't because they're rude, it's because their brain struggles with impulse control. Or, in my case, I know I would say things because I wanted to not forget it right? So if I said it then I wouldn't forget it. Yeah, and so these kids might speak before they think, which sometimes offends others or makes it seem like they're not listening. So, for example, a child might shout out an answer in class, not realizing they've interrupted their friend. Later that friend seems annoyed, but the child with ADHD doesn't connect the dots and realize that they're blurting out, upset their friend.

Understanding Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)

Laurie 5:52

These children often have intense emotions and, frankly, over-attachment. They feel the emotions so intensely, meaning that friendships can quickly become all or nothing. They might cling too tightly to a best friend, leading to overwhelm for that friend. They might even misinterpret small conflicts as massive betrayals. That's definitely. I've seen that many time and time again, and you have seen it probably in your home as well. The littlest thing can be so big. Let's give an example. So if their best friend chooses to sit with someone else at lunch, a child with ADHD might be devastated. Has your child ever come home and said that I'm devastated because so-and-so likes so-and-so better than me, right, thinking that this person doesn't like me anymore? I must have done something wrong, what's happened, and that is hard because that feels very real to their ADHD brain.

Navigating Valentine's Day with ADHD

Laurie 7:00

Also, these children tend to hyper-focus on friendships. Right the brains love novelty and passion, which sometimes extends to friendships. When they find someone they connect with, they can hyper-focus on that person, constantly texting or asking them questions or hanging around them, wanting to be near them and getting deeply hurt if the attention is not reciprocated. If the attention is not reciprocated, for example, a child might send 10 messages in a row to a friend who hasn't responded yet. When they don't get a reply, they feel completely rejected, even if the friend was just busy or doing other things. That is the neurological processing that is so painful for children and adults and everyone with ADHD, and it's one of the areas that I know a lot of adults said they would like to take away. If they could wave a magic wand would be their rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and so let's talk about that.

Laurie 8:07

What is rejection sensitivity dysphoria, or RSD as you might have seen it, and why does it feel? 10 times worse for kids with ADHD, but also adults with ADHD? So it isn't just a side effect. It's deeply wired into how these kids experience emotions, this RSD or rejection, sensitivity dysphoria. It's one of the hardest parts of ADHD because it makes social interactions feel dangerous, like every conversation could end in a heartbreak. But let's back up. What is it again? Rsd is when a person with ADHD experiences rejection, real or perceived. It is so intense that it feels physically painful. Their brain interprets social missteps, criticisms or exclusion as catastrophic. So, for example, if a teacher casually says let's work on your listening skills today, johnny. But the child with ADHD hears you're terrible at listening and I'm mad at you and you've done everything wrong. It's horrible, it is painful, physically painful for this child.

Helping Kids Handle Rejection

Laurie 9:29

So in comes Valentine's Day, something coming up around the corner, any social interaction. But since it's almost Valentine's Day, let's talk about it. I even remember this so vividly as a kid, these scars that stay with you for years. So for a child with RSD, valentine's Day can be filled with anxiety. Will I get a card from someone I like? Will a person that likes me give me a card? What if my best friend gives a card to someone else first? What if I only get five cards and my other friends get 10? Or why did my other friends get 10 and I only got one? That could be another question what if I give a card and they don't like it? These are all going on in your child's head.

Laurie 10:21

If there is a Valentine's Day card exchange, or if even they're older, you know there's a dance, or you know will so-and-so ask me to the dance. What if they don't ask me to the dance? Why didn't they ask me to the dance? Oh, they don't like me, right? Then that spiral continues. So these thoughts really can spiral into deep feelings of rejection and sadness. They might burst into tears on Valentine's Day during the card exchange because they perceive that their card wasn't special or that they didn't get as many as their friends or some other factor. That may not even be true, but to them it feels real. And it feels real emotionally and physically. Emotionally and physically, it is in both regards. So how can we help these kids navigate social struggles and rejection?

Laurie 11:19

First, validate their feelings. Don't just say it's not a big deal, don't worry about it, you're overreacting, that is not a good one. You can say I see why that hurt. It must have been really rough the reason you want to do this. And we've talked about this. Maybe it was in a live event, but we talked about the amygdala and how that area of the brain. It's so important that we validate feelings because it calms the amygdala, that little almond-shaped spot in the center of the brain. It calms it down so that children don't enter into fight flight freeze. So we got to validate it. That will calm the amygdala down so that the child can hear the rest of what you have to say. So if they feel left out, you can say say so. If they feel left out, you can say I understand why that makes you sad. Let's talk about how you can handle it next time. Their amygdala is calm, they can listen.

Laurie 12:18

Teach them to check the facts. Adhd kids often assume the worst Great skill to have to check the facts. If you can help them learn to pause and ask do I know they meant to hurt me or could there be another reason? Is there a way that they can check facts? So if a friend didn't invite them to a party, for example, or the dance, you could say maybe it was a small group, maybe their parents had a limit on guests. You should ask them, just ask them, why you weren't invited to the party or why they didn't ask you to the dance. I know that's hard, but gathering the facts will help calm down the brain and calm down the overreacting and put an end to feeling rejected.

Positive Valentine's Day Strategies

Laurie 13:18

You could also role play situations with your child. You could practice responses to common situations. So if they struggle with interrupting people, you could teach them phrases like oh, I got excited and interrupted, I'm sorry, go ahead. Or I'm sorry, I didn't mean to talk over you, I just really was excited and wanted to get my thought out. Or, in the classroom, they can write it down. Those are some strategies that work. You could also help them find similar people.

Laurie 13:52

Encourage activities where they'll meet kids who share their interests. Kids with ADHD thrive when they connect with friends who accept them as they are. So if they struggle in large groups, encourage smaller playdates or structured activities like coding clubs or art classes or robotics teams. Right, you could also encourage during this time of care and compassion, encourage self-compassion. Teach them to reframe social struggles as learning experiences. So, for example, instead of saying I'm bad at making friends, you could help them say oof, that was a tough moment, but I'm still learning. So to be compassionate, like oh, I really interrupted them a lot, so maybe that's what upset them. I'll try better next time. Give them those compassionate statements to say to each other. Remember, you're really setting your child up for now, but also in the long term, right? Also, when they are in a relationship or a marriage, or teaching this to their kids, you're really giving them good skills.

Building Connections With ADHD

Laurie 15:09

All right, let's rethink Valentine's Day. I want you to help your child turn it into a positive experience. What could you do? Our creative activity. What could you do? You could create a family tradition. Instead of focusing on school exchanges, make it about celebrating kindness exchanges. Make it about celebrating kindness. I know I did that with my son, who also suffers from anxiety and ADHD, but with the anxiety around Valentine's Day, we made it about doing just kind things for other people and not just getting candy or getting cards. You also want to prepare them for ups and downs. Right, talk about it Again.

Laurie 15:52

Like we said, the role play some of the suggestions I gave you earlier. But talk about these scenarios. Role play with them and how they can handle these emotions and, of course, help them celebrate in their own way. Encourage them to make cards for people they feel safe with family, friends, pets or don't make cards if that's what they're really feeling, if there's a lot of anxiety and stress around the cards. Maybe there's a different activity they can do for their friends in school. Okay, wrapping up, I hope those tips were helpful and gave you some beginning dialogue to talk about. So if your child really struggles with friendships, remember they will find their people. It might take time but with the right tools that I have talked about earlier, they're going to build connections that last and have resilience and have the capacity to manage that almond-sized amygdala and really stand firm in their feeling of rejection and feeling confident to make friends.

Laurie 17:04

They may always feel like they have rejection sensitivity, but teaching them the right skills and how to manage it now will help them so much in the future, when they do navigate this increasingly complex world. So thank you for getting them started in the right direction while they are young.

Laurie 17:29

I really hope, if this resonated with you, please share it with other friends and family. The podcast is growing and I love that this is being shared and the word is getting out there, but the only way we can help each other is to help each other. So please, if you find this useful, share it. Help your fellow ADHDers or ADHD children get support and tools that they need to help them thrive and help them be successful in their social engagements, especially around this holiday season. And remember, adhd isn't a roadblock to friendships. It's a different path to connection and your child just needs to find that connection and I know they will Please help them by being supportive when they are feeling very rejected and by giving them the language that will help them overcome those feelings of rejection. Thank you so much. I look forward to seeing you next time where I'm going to be talking about something special. Got lots of special announcements coming up, but we'll wait till next week, all right. Until then, as always, keep it quirky. Bye-bye.