Faith Fueled Marriage

Episode 6 - The Five Love Languages DEEP DIVE - What Your Marriage is Missing.

• Jenny and Danny • Season 1 • Episode 6

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In this episode, we unpack the Five Love Languages from a faith-centered perspective, focusing on how to express love in ways your spouse genuinely understands and values. Learn how simple, intentional actions can mirror Christ’s love and deepen your connection. No matter where you are in your marriage journey, this episode offers encouragement to get back to the basics and love with purpose each day.

SPEAKER_04

You love like you have nothing to lose when you lay it all out on the table. At least you know you did everything you could, exactly. Yes. You know you did everything you could to the best of your ability. Yeah and you loved and you served.

SPEAKER_00

Welcome to the Faith Fueled Marriage Podcast, where we strive to build stronger Christ-centered marriages. One conversation at a time. Follow us along as we dive into our hopes, dreams, and struggles while giving you practical advice to strengthen your marriage. Let's check out our new episode.

SPEAKER_01

Welcome to this episode of the Faith Fueled Marriage Podcast. Today we're really excited because we're going to be doing a deep dive in one of the most recognized relational foundations of relationships. It's called The Five Love Languages. Many people have heard about it. So it's by Gary Chapman. It's a great book. Before we dive into that, we're we're really excited about the next episode. What we're going to be doing is we're actually going to our church is doing a message on, it's called Relationship Killers, right? So we're going to do a recap on that. We feel like that one's going to be really important. So we're after that series is over, we'll recap that. So as always, like, share, subscribe, comment, uh, the five love languages is again a great foundation for all relationships, specifically, obviously, in marriage. So if there's someone that you know, comment, send it to them. Uh, we really appreciate that. And uh getting the message out and making relationships as strong as possibly can. Uh so today, the five when when we were getting ready to go do this, the five level languages, we were recommended this. I think it was by uh Pastor Chad. He was the he he did our marriage. He did our premarital counseling. I think that's who recommended it. And I heard about it in the past, but when I finally read it, it was just like yeah, it was like so deep and profound, but it was so simple at the same time, and it just kind of like opened my eyes to everything. And uh, we read that back in like what like 2015 or 2016. Yes, and we use that in our relationship with our kids. I use it with work, you could use it with co-workers, with employees, friends. Everybody has these needs, and they give this this love in the in this way, and in in one of these five ways. So, um, but with this one, I'll be honest. Uh we got a new updated copy here. Um, Jenny wanted to get a newer updated updated version. She did more of the reading on this one. I'm not gonna lie. Um, so I'm gonna divert to her on this, and she's gonna do most of the teaching on this, and uh I'll jump in as as I can and and ask questions and and uh and we'll keep it moving on this five level languages topic.

SPEAKER_04

So so again, great book, so easy to apply to your life, and just once you read it, it's like yeah, man, that's so good, that's so true. And then once you start applying it to your life, you see relationships blossom in all areas your children, your spouse, even how you can love people at your workplace. So it's such a beautiful way to bless people. But before I go into that, I want to just um go through scripture real quick. Why do we love? Number one, Jesus calls us to love one another, right? Um, God is love. You mentioned that. Galatians 5, 13 through 15 says, For you are called to be free, brothers and sisters. Only don't use this freedom as an opportunity for the flesh. Don't serve yourself, but serve on another through love, for the whole law is fulfilled in one statement. Love your neighbor as yourself. And then Romans 12 10 says, Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters, outdo one another in showing honor. We said that in a previous episode. Serving if your mindset is to serve one another, like my goal is to serve you, your goal is to serve me, you just build up on that. And it's just this beautiful relationship. So if you go into your relationship like that, it's a game changer. So this was a great book, very, very easy to read. Um, I think I got it on Amazon for like seven bucks, so it's not it's not like overly priced or anything. There's so many resources out there, even the the old one.

SPEAKER_01

I think we got it on Amazon. It was like a used copy of it. Yes, and so it wasn't even, you know, it was cheap.

SPEAKER_04

It was cheap, yeah. So um check it out for sure. And then there's also audiobooks, too. There's just so many resources. So essentially what happened was he is a marriage counselor, and all of the people that he was seeing, he started realizing a pattern, and he broke it down as there's five different ways that people give and receive love. Um, and he just breaks it down even more so. So, chapter one basically says the love languages, the five different ways that you love are like foreign languages, so it's like how you communicate. So I could be communicating with you in my love language, but that might not be the language that you speak in. So I'm communicating, but you're speaking a different language than me. So there's a language barrier.

SPEAKER_01

It's like when we when you know, if you go to a foreign country, you go to Italy, and you're speaking English, and they're just like they're speaking fluent Italian to you, and you're just like, Yep.

SPEAKER_03

You just smile and nod.

SPEAKER_01

It's literally that's the example here.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. So your intentions are good, but it's ineffective. You need to learn the other's language and speak it, and you need to fill that love tank. So the more you do, the more fruitful the environment becomes. And it's like it's like understanding one another's words. I go to Italy and I'm able to understand them, and it's just a deeper connection with that culture because I know what they're saying, they know what I'm saying, and you bond over that. So essentially, this is the example that's given, and it's uh an amazing example. So then it goes on to chapter two, and chapter two basically explains there's in a honeymoon phase, which we like to put it. I think that's the most common way that people refer to it, the in-love phase, which every couple experiences, and typically it lasts around one to two years.

SPEAKER_01

So those first some people more, some people less.

SPEAKER_04

Yes. So those first, let's say two years, you're in the honeymoon phase.

SPEAKER_01

That's when those they become annoyances after. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

But at the beginning, it's like, right, you were saying like, oh, he's he's so quick with remarks. I love it.

SPEAKER_01

That sarcasm's so it's so cute. He's so witty.

SPEAKER_03

So funny, and that's so laid back.

SPEAKER_01

He just he he does this, and then and then after a while, you're like, this stupid guy, like just smack him.

SPEAKER_04

Or the he it there's just so many funny examples that he does too. It really is an enjoyable read.

SPEAKER_01

It's an easy read, too, guys. I would just I would suggest it and just get it and yeah. And it's such an easy read. Yeah. Even if you're not a reader, it's just you can blow through this thing quick.

SPEAKER_04

Yes, and everything, like everything we talk about when we talk about the Bible and stuff, like don't take it for us, go in there and look at it yourself because that's when true like change is going to happen. You'll be able to apply it better. So definitely 100% read it. So, yeah, so we s after the two-year mark, we start coming off essentially, if I can say it this week, that high of that honeymoon phase, and we start to see their funny comments.

SPEAKER_01

Essentially, it is. It's like you you know, when it's a euphoric, like the dopamine rush and all that stuff, and and then all of a sudden life happens.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And curveballs start coming, and and you get to really you get in the nitty-gritty of it. Yeah, and you really get to know that person, right? Yeah. So, yeah, keep going.

SPEAKER_04

So those wise guy funny comments, like Danny was saying, uh, those witty funny comments seem like wise guy remarks. So at this stage, we still have emotional needs. Um the love language, which are the love language, and we at this point we get to choose to love our spouse and live learn their language and dialect.

SPEAKER_01

Because love is a choice. It's yeah, like culture teaches us, love is such a feeling. Ooh, I'm in love, and the and the Disney princess, this, right? Like all this kind of stuff. But it that's not yeah, love is a choice.

SPEAKER_04

Yes, and that's and we have free will.

SPEAKER_01

That's the and you think of it with Christ with us, it's that's the beauty of it.

SPEAKER_04

And that's why I'm sure there's we haven't really done a deep study in divorce, but like what do most people say in divorce? I'm not in love with them anymore.

SPEAKER_01

I fell out of love.

SPEAKER_04

I fell out of love. That's a lie. Yeah, you choose to love. Christ chose to love. How did he choose to love?

SPEAKER_01

Another thing that we always say is it's not always gonna be easy.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, it's always gonna be worth it.

SPEAKER_01

It's always gonna be worth it. So just consistency, just keep going, keep going, keep going. But this book, like that's the beautiful thing about this book, it just breaks it down. It's very deep and profound, like I said, but it makes watch once you get into it a little bit further in this episode, it's just so like it's almost obvious. Yes, and then it's just like whoa, a light bulb goes off, and it's like, wow.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, like I why didn't I think of that? Like, that makes so much sense. Yeah, so 100% read it. So, love is usually thought of as a feeling, but love is a choice, an action. So, 1 Corinthians 13, 4 through 7 says shows us God is the source of our love. He loved us enough to sacrifice his son for us, and Jesus is our example of what it means to love. So the Holy Spirit helps us, gives us the power to love, right? He lives in our hearts and he makes us more and more like Christ. So God's love always involves a choice and an action, and our love should be like him. Um and then I wrote down a reflection question. Just in your head, ask yourself, how well do you display your love for God and the choices you make and the actions you take? So just think of it. Say that again. How well, right? Is that yes, how well do you display your love for God in the choices you make and the actions you take? Because love is a choice, right? Um, and then another thing too, I've said before I was looking at Job 5.17, and it says, Blessed is the one whom God corrects, so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. Guys, we have the access of the ultimate marriage counselor who ever existed and whoever will exist, the Holy Spirit who is fully God, and to have that correction and communion and communion, it's insane how you can love people only through him. So he you can't buy them, but you need to be disciplined and you need to surrender, and oftentimes that's more difficult than giving your money to places because you're called to slow down and have a relationship with him. But there's so many examples, and when people share testimonies of how they've really just loved their spouses through the correction of the Holy Spirit, I could give you a million examples of how he's checked me on loving you, but it's like, oh thank you. Like it's life, it's love. So definitely just read your Bibles, hang out with him, because that's that's when real life starts, real living starts, yeah. Um, so chapter three kind of just confirms everything that we've spoken about in chapter one and two. So we've been led to believe that if we are really in love, then the in-love obsession will last forever.

SPEAKER_01

It's that fantasy land, like the like I always say the Disney princess, like it's just it's gonna last forever, and this is my Prince Charming, and he's day after day. Yeah, well, then all of a sudden um he pees on the seat, or something. I mean, I don't know. And then you're like, what is wrong with this clown? Like you know, well, he's a human, like you know, yeah, or same thing with her. Oh, she always does this, and she's a human. Yes, and you know, the fake uh Instagram models and all that stuff, those they're just it's not real. They're just they're just humans, it's not authentic. They're just at the end of the day, we all have flaws.

SPEAKER_04

So yeah, we all need Jesus. So the good news is married couples who lost their in-love feelings. If love is a choice, and it is, right, then you have the capacity to love after the the in-love obsession has died, and you're returning back to the real world. So you're up here, you're coming back down, you're back in the real world. You have a choice to love them, right? So the hair on the counter, the white spots on a mirror, that kind of love begins with an attitude and a way of thinking. So again, don't always follow your emotions. You make a commitment, right? You follow on that commitment.

SPEAKER_01

So basically, so that's setting up the stage for what because he what did he he saw like hundreds of you know, thousands, thousands of couples, right? Yeah, and then all of a sudden, like it just he just started putting like it was like a map and started putting like this and this together, and he said there's a lot of common denominators between these couples, right? Yeah, so then psych psychologically, from a psycho psychological stand um psychology standpoint, is what I meant to say. Um he he realized that there's what five love languages that we we there's five ways that we receive love and there's five ways that we give love.

SPEAKER_03

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Sometimes they can be the same, sometimes they could be different, right? So let's I mean a lot of people know what they are, but let's just go well let's go through them real quick before you jump in each so we'll go through them and then and then you're gonna just do like more of a deeper dive on e on each topic.

SPEAKER_04

Yes. So these five love languages can be influenced by your parents, by your parents, how you grew up. So that's to keep in mind too. Why am I why do I receive love like this? Yes.

SPEAKER_01

So you know, different cultures are different, you know. The American culture might be this way, or the European culture might be this way.

SPEAKER_04

Yes, right? So it's good to adapt, and that's why I mentioned the word dialects. So there's these languages, but there's different dialects, and we spoke about the American bubble versus the like Italian European bubble.

SPEAKER_01

I think I learned that like when I was in school, like uh it was like in psychology or something. I was mentioning it to you. The if you're just like a true through like through and through American, I guess, raised, there's the social bubble, like where people can get into your social space, is like I mean there's nothing wrong with it, I guess. It's it's just it's a little further away. Yeah. But then like the European side, or I mean, I don't know, other cultures, it's like, you know, I mean, we're Italian, so we're just like, yep, like we're yeah, or they they kiss on the cheek, like the men. Where we're in, like it's it's closer space and it doesn't like bug you out too much, you know. But then some people like getting in here might be like, whoa, dude, like back up, you know.

SPEAKER_04

So keep that in mind as you're going through these love languages and there's different cultures, you have to take cultures definitely into consideration because what works for an American might not work for another culture.

SPEAKER_01

So what so let's go. So let's see what are what are the five that he came up with.

SPEAKER_04

So the very first one is words of affirmation. I'll just go through them. Words of affirmation, and we'll dive deeper in quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. So those are the five.

SPEAKER_01

So words of affirmation, let's go in order again because I don't want to mess it up. Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Yes. So those are the five like main ways that humans give and like to receive and feel loved. Yes, right?

SPEAKER_04

Yep, and yours may not be the same as your spouse. So it's very important you find out what yours is because then that will give you an aha moment. Why am I not feeling loved? And also, why is my spouse not feeling loved? I'm pouring into them, I'm pouring into them. Well, you're not loving them the way that they receive love. So just we'll go through this and then um we'll do some practical next steps for you guys. Um, but the first one is words of affirmation. So these are verbal compliments. Um, so and a quote that I loved was verbal compliments are more motivating than nagging words. So speak life into your spouse, speak leadership into your husband, speak confidence into your wife because I'm telling you, when you do that, you know which marriages are healthy, and they do that because it's like they stand tall. Like, I'm my husband builds me with so much confidence. I don't I don't care what happens. I'm going back to I have Jesus and I'm going back to my husband. My wife, like, she's been praying for me and speaking leadership over me. Like, I love the leader you are. I see you, you're a leader. I love what God's doing in your life. You watched me a video. Yeah, like the pastor was saying his wife did that for him when he was getting rebuked by the world, and his wife literally was just so wise, and she said, Blessed are you when you are persecuted on account of the children.

SPEAKER_01

So tonight we feast, and he's like, and he was just like so emotional about it.

SPEAKER_04

He was like, I felt like I could run through a wall. Those are the power of words. Your words are life or death.

SPEAKER_01

So I there's uh it's the proverb. The po the say that again. The your words have the power of life or death. Um, I think it's either like f uh fruit, I forget exactly how it goes, but basically it and then it says at the end it's really profound, you choose. So oh, the tongue has the power of life or death. It's either fruit or something, I can't remember the exact proverb, but and then it's like a little dash goes, you choose.

SPEAKER_04

You have the power, you have the free will to choose. Yeah. Okay, so it's your responsibility. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And it's one of those things going back to one of our older videos. I always just say, hey, stop. Like, stop. Taming your tongue is like you gotta practice. It's like that doesn't happen like overnight. No. So even if you think a thought, like stop, take a step back and think about it. In that moment, you want to just blurt it out. Yeah. But hey, that might not be the most fruitful thing to say right now. So let me just bite my tongue and not say that, you know, or think of a different way, or put myself in her shoes, or put myself in his shoes, and and how would I feel if I was in that situation and they said this to me? You know, I feel like I'm going off a little bit of a rabbit hole, but I'm just it does relate to words.

SPEAKER_04

So quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to speak, slow to become angry, slow to become angry. Yeah. Um, so speak life into your spouse. Um, this can be influenced by your parents. Like I said before, the words of affirmation were your parents affirming you through their words, were they not? So there's a lack there. So you some people need it even more so than others. Like they need the affirmation. Yeah. The father loved them, but the father never verbally said, Hey, I love you. I'm so proud of you. There's nothing you can ever do that will take away my love for you. I just love you because you are my child. Father may have never said that. So you're going out in the world and you're filling yourself with the world, thinking that, not realizing that you just needed that. Verbal affirmation. Um, and another thing, how you say things does matter. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use.

SPEAKER_01

I've always even even like with work and stuff, um it's not what you say, it's how you say it.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. So for the example, your spouse takes out the trash, you could say, Hey, thanks for taking out the trash, or you could say, Hey, thanks for taking out the trash.

SPEAKER_01

You finally did it.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, you finally did it. I had to ask you 20 times. Like there's a difference. So again, use your words for life, right? Um, and then he quoted psychologist William James said, the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. Your words have the power to make your spouse, to make your children, to make your coworkers feel appreciated. You bless others through that.

SPEAKER_01

I think uh, and and also it goes back to like you said, about it could be influenced by the parents. Maybe they maybe they didn't get that, and maybe that's this is a difficult thing for some people to do. Yeah, it'd like say say that's your spouse's number one way that they feel loved, and they need words of affirmation, and you just it's just something in you, and you just can't say it, or you just I don't know why I can't do it. Start small, like something like that. Just yeah, little things that you are you are grateful for things that they do, like no matter what you say. You they took the trash out. You may not like throw a party for them, but like you know, hey, I'm thankful that they they took they they they took the dishes and the out of the dishwasher or the the sink was filled and and they did that.

SPEAKER_03

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

So just it's a very simple, hey, thank you. I just want to say thank you. And it's gonna feel like I don't know why, but it may be tough or it may be awkward at the beginning. But the more you do these little tiny ones, yes, you're gonna just keep building up, right? Because it's a little it's just hey, thank you for doing that. Like, hey, thank you for wiping the table down after dinner, like. Yeah. It doesn't need to be uh this crazy just if you think something nice, say it just open your mouth and say it. Right?

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. And it turns into this snowball effect of words of affirmation. So you affirm your spouse so much, they're gonna wanna serve you and love you.

SPEAKER_01

The cool thing is once you start you'll see throughout all of these, but once you start feeding, like say words of affirmation, they they take the quiz and words of affirmation is their number one, and you start feeding that, even if it's very difficult for you, and slowly you start feeding it and feeding it, you're gonna just see this how they receive that that love, and they're it's just it's gonna change their yeah, they're gonna their posture is gonna change. They're gonna they're gonna reflect that back to you, right?

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, yeah. So when I because it when you love others and you pour into them, the natural response is to reciprocate that. So if you don't know where to start and it's difficult for you, that's okay. He says in the book too, lots of practical advice again, guys. So read the book, keep a notebook and write down positive words you you can either hear others say, you see in books or articles, and also most importantly, pray and ask the Holy Spirit to help you. And then I love this affirm your spouse in front of others. Yeah, that's powerful.

SPEAKER_01

Always build up in in well, we always say, like even with work, praise in public and I guess reprimand or discipline in private.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, have those healthy conversations, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Have those those deeper, healthy conversations in private. Yeah. And then in public, don't ever even even and I see it all the time, and I and sometimes I may do it, but jokingly, like sarcasm, like putting putting your oh yeah, that's the first time you'll ever see her do that. Like, and it's it's funny in the moment, but in reality, it's like, man, you just it's demeaning. Yeah, you just put her down in front of like 15 people that you're you know, you're at a family party or whatever, and people laugh, and it it's funny and in the moment. It seems lighthearted, but you keep doing those sly comments, and it's like, dude, you hit me below the belt too many times. Cut it out, man. We're a team.

SPEAKER_04

You used to think it was funny, yeah. But after the 50th time you say that in front of our friends, like it's not life-giving.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Um, why can't you speak life over me?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I don't know.

SPEAKER_04

So it's something to think about too.

SPEAKER_01

So that's words of affirmation. So we'll do we'll have a uh I guess we can tell them about the link or something at the end about the quiz.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Um, so you'll go through, take that, and then it'll tell you which ones are it'll rank them like one, two, three, four, five. So the next one is um quality time.

SPEAKER_04

Yep. So again, what makes one person feel loved emotionally is not always the thing that makes another one feel loved emotionally. Um, so quality time. Quality time is the act of hanging out with one another, but it's not enough to be in the same room with someone. A key ingredient is giving quality time, a key ingredient in giving quality time is giving them focused attention, especially in our electronic obsessed world. So we can be next to each other on our phones, but I'm not connected with you. I'm disconnected.

SPEAKER_01

It's like right now if you're talking to me and I'm just like over here like this, you'd be like, hey, pay attention, we're like in the middle of this.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, so you're more focused, you're more in relationship with your phone than your spouse. Yeah. So keep in mind, because another example in the book was the wife was literally crying for quality time with her husband, and he was an act of service. We'll get there. So he was doing things for her, thinking he was loving her that way, but she literally just wanted to be one-on-one in front of him, him talking to her, and she's like, We never talk. And he's like, What do you mean? We do talk. I see you every day, we say things, but there's no weight in the words.

SPEAKER_01

So that's where the five language is pretty profound because he's over here mowing the lawn, yeah, cleaning up the house, doing the doing the yard stuff, like um, whatever he's got to do inside the house. He's he's going to work every day and he's like, I'm providing for you. I'm I'm I'm serving you, I'm doing this for you. But in reality, like that's not how her love tank was needed to be filled. She just needed to sit down what however long it was at dinner or whatever. After dinner, the kids go to bed and just them two just hang out and talk. And she would just feel so like euphoric and loved. Yeah. And he didn't realize that. Uh and such is life with us. Like, so many people we just don't. That's why this book is so cool and profound because once you realize you're like, Man, that's all it is. Like, he, oh, she's so stressed out. I need to just sit down and uh fill her love tank right now. You know?

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, no, it's it's so important. So our time together communicates that we care about each other, that we enjoy being with one another, that we like to do things together.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

So keep that in mind too. If you're not hanging out with your spouse and they're a quality timer, you're basically communicating that.

SPEAKER_01

So would you say, like, I mean, some people are like more athletic couples and they like want to go play pickleball. Pickleball or uh run marathons and work out together and say that's quality time. That is quality time. Yeah, they're they're they're doing something that they both or what even if they don't both don't enjoy, but one person enjoys it, the other one's kind of just it's sacrificial love. So it's like if I wanted to go to a baseball game or s or something, right? And you wanted to go to a movie or whatever, you know, something else. But uh out of you know that that's something that I enjoy. Yes. And if quality time is my love language, you're gonna sacrifice and be like, you're gonna be like, you know what, I'm gonna s I'm gonna sacrifice here and fill his love tank and go to the baseball game with it and enjoy it, yeah. Not be pouting and nagging the whole time, be like, can we leave? This is stupid, like you know, yeah, and making it miserable for for him, or vice versa. She wants to go to uh musical or something, and that's something like a big act of love. I would not want to go to like the nutcracker or something. I remember my dad was telling a story, like he's like, Oh, I think him and my mom went, and uh and he was like, This was like the stupidest thing. But hopefully, hopefully you had a positive attitude, though.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, because think about it, you're you're wasting your time even going there if you're gonna go there and be negative because you're ruining the whole experience.

SPEAKER_01

And the thing is, this quality like quality time doesn't have to just be like, okay, no phone, sit down, stare face to face, and like let's talk. I'm but my point is it could be it could be activities together, it could be, it could be I mean, even for me, like if we sit down and watch, we don't really watch too many movies, like the chosen or something. Yeah, like to me, I'm and I'm just sitting next to you doing that, that's filling my love tank. And I'm you know, we don't have to sit there and actually be phones away conversating face to face or something.

SPEAKER_03

No, it could just be like cuddling and watching.

SPEAKER_01

And to me, that for so that that's what my point is, is everyone's different, but and there's different forms of quality time. I think that's what you were getting at too earlier.

SPEAKER_04

Uh so just yeah, you know, so that's what dialects is it's the different aspects of the quality time.

SPEAKER_01

So your spouse it's in the quality time, yeah.

SPEAKER_04

So your spouse may speak quality time, but they have a specific dialect. So once you learn that and hone in on that, and again, it might take trial and error, you just start figuring these things out, they appreciate it. But then when you really see what fills them, you're like the light bulb goes off, and it's just like okay, I know what to do. I'm just gonna do it.

SPEAKER_01

There's so much more fruit in your relationship after.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. So ask yourself this question too. This is very important. What in your marriage affects your quality time? Because you are the provider in our home. You're gone a lot, and you have to pour into others because that's what you've been called to do in this season. So it it does affect our quality time. So are we being intentional about our quality time? Are we putting the kids to bed early? That's something I can do, and then having everything laid out so you come in and then you're intentional with me. It's a team effort to work together. Um, we've said this before put set a date in your phone. There's nothing wrong with that. And keep it sacred, you know. Like uh, no, this Saturday I I'm going out with my wife. I can't do it. Really? Yes, I can't do it. I'm going out with my wife.

SPEAKER_01

Prioritize what you prioritize is what you always say, something like that. Um, how do you say that? You always say, like, what you prioritize is what is what you value. Yeah. So what you prioritize is what you value. If you if you value your your marriage, you prioritize it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

And another thing is, sorry, I don't want to cut you off, but it just it clicked in my head when you said that. Um what in your marriage affects your quality time. So this is how the enemy. Again, watch older videos and he wants nothing more than just divide and conquer. It's easier to it's easier to conquer once you divide. Yeah. He wants to just divide and destroy you and your marriage. So one of the avenues that he takes, especially nowadays, I don't have my phone over here, but uh it's technology. Yes, he's it's easy for him to distract us with technology. Distract us, distract us, distract us. Uh, and I think there was a pastor that even said as it relates to your your personal relationship with Christ, he doesn't have to make you believe that there's no God. All he has to do is distract you enough, right?

SPEAKER_03

So good.

SPEAKER_01

And it it's it's kind of almost could be a little freaky, scary, but like that's your relationship with with God. But uh same thing with your marriage. All he has to do is really just distract you just enough. Slowly, yeah. Life gets in the way, life gets in the way, life gets in the way, and next thing you know, it's like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, you got to go. How did we get here? How the heck did we get this? Like, yeah, we did not plan this, you know. Yeah, so pri like you just said, dude, it may sound stupid, but write it in your phone, set a reminder. Remind me on Saturday at whatever, you know, 9 a.m. to do this, or whatever the situation is.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

For you know, to fill your spouse's love tank. It sounds it may sound dumb, but at the end of the day, if if your marriage is that important, you will do it.

SPEAKER_04

Do it, man.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_04

So um, so one thing I do want to read for you guys, um, it's a dialect of quality time, and it made me laugh. So I thought it was interesting. I was explaining it to you, and you were like, that's actually funny. So, not all of us are out of touch with our emotions, but when it comes to talking, all of us are affected by our personality. So, Gary Chapman goes on and says, I have observed two basic personality types. The first I call the Dead Sea. So, in the nation of Israel, the Sea of Galilee flows south by the way of the Jordan River into the Dead Sea. So the Dead Sea is being filled, but the Dead Sea goes nowhere. It receives, but it does not give. So this personality type receives many experiences, emotions, and thought throughout the day. They have a large reservoir where they can store that information and they are perfectly happy not to talk. If you say to a Dead Sea personality, what's wrong? Why aren't you talking tonight? He will probably answer, Nothing's wrong. What makes you think something's wrong? And that response is perfectly honest. He is content not to talk. He could drive from Chicago to Detroit and never say a word and be perfectly happy. On the other extreme is the babbling brook. For this personality, whatever enters into the eye gate or the ear gate comes out of the mouth gate, and there are seldom 60 seconds between the two. So whatever they see, whatever they hear, whatever they tell. In fact, if no one is at home to talk to, they will call someone else. Do you know what I saw? Do you know what I heard? If they can't get someone on the phone, they may even talk to themselves because they have no reservoir. Many times a dead sea marries a babbling brook. That happens because when they are dating, it is a very attractive match. If you are a Dead Sea and you date a babbling brook, you will have a wonderful evening. You don't even have to think, how will I get the conversation started tonight? How will I keep the conversation flowing? In fact, you don't have to think at all. All you have to do is nod your head and say, mm-hmm. And she will fill up the whole evening and you will go home saying, What a wonderful person. On the other hand, if you are a babbling brook and you date a Dead Sea, you will have an equally wonderful evening because Dead Seas are the world's best listeners. You will babble for three hours. He will listen intently to you, and you will go home saying, What a wonderful person. You attract each other. But five years after marriage, once the honeymoon stage is over, the babbling brook wakes up one morning and says, We've been married for five years and I do not know him. The Dead Sea is saying, I know her too well. I wish she would stop the flow and give me a break. The good news is that the dead seas can learn to talk and the babbling brooks can learn to listen. We are influenced by our personality, but we are not controlled by it. Again, we are influenced by our personality, but you are not controlled by it. One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about, start with three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them. He calls that the minimum daily requirement for a healthy marriage. If you will start with a daily minimum in a few weeks or months, you may find quality conversation flowing more freely between the two of you. So we used to do this with um our days. What did you learn today?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

I forgot what we would do. We did it for a little bit. We would do it with our kids too, which is cool. I would like to start doing that.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it was like I kind of we stopped doing it all. What did you learn today? There was one thing that you learned today. It was who did you love today? And what are you grateful for? Something I don't I don't remember the last one. But it was just a little it was a little thing that we would do.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

To have more more instead of just superficial, like, how was your day? Good, cool, how was yours? Good, yeah, okay, cool. And then like that, it was more like it would create deeper conversation.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, and it might open up to someone.

SPEAKER_01

But it was good for quality time because those are one of our love languages, so for us.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So so those are some things that so the first one was excuse me, was words of affirmation, quality time, and then the third one is uh giving and receiving gifts.

SPEAKER_04

So gifts are visual symbols of love. So it's actually one of the easiest languages to learn. And if she if your spouse is critical of your gifts, then that that is most likely not their love language, um, as he goes on to say in here. So I mean, you want to be intentional about gifts, you don't want to give them a sloppy gift, but most of the time he's as he's saying, if receiving gifts is a love language.

SPEAKER_01

Does he say anything about like uh is it more of the quality of the gift, or does he say anything about any of that in the book? Like, for instance, uh does it have to like does it have to be a oh he got me a diamond bracelet, or or can it just be uh oh he got me flowers? And then uh even further on that, I don't know if I'm going too much, say like, oh, every Friday he gets me flowers, and now it's just like an expected thing and it's not really that special anymore. Yeah every Friday he gets me flowers and he's been doing it for years, he doesn't really care. Like, you know, is there anything on that? That he does he do anything on that in the book, do you remember?

SPEAKER_04

He essentially said it goes along with dialect. So if you don't want to get flowers, get it every other week or once a month, you know. Like if it is like excessive, and unfortunately we are humans, we take things for granted um until we can't have those things anymore, like you serving me, then I'm like, man, I that was that was so nice. I love that, you know, like as an example. Um so it all depends on your spouse's love language and their dialect. So it's up to you to figure it out. If your spouse is saying that, he does say, I mean, I'm not a marriage psychologist, but he said most likely that's not your spouse's primary love language if they do respond like that. Um so that's just something to keep in mind. Maybe there's another love language you can consider and pour into them. Because we also said, too, and we we might have wanted to say this at the end you find out your spouse is one, everyone has a primary love language, then they see speak a secondary love language. It's not bad to fill all of them. Fill all of them. But some are gonna be more affirming and have more weight than others.

SPEAKER_01

Like, for instance, say say receiving gifts is not like you know, you're saying you don't like uh you don't like getting. I mean, everybody likes getting gifts, but you don't need the diamond rings and the diamond necklaces and stuff. I'm just saying the more expensive things and stuff, you're like, ah, I can do without it. I'd rather just have him sit down and you know, um play with my hair and watch TV or whatever, or give me a massage or whatever's, you know. Um, but just because receiving I think what you to your point, just because receiving gifts is so low down on on the on the totem pole of the ranking, like it's number five, just say, out of out of one through one through five, and it's it's the lowest one. I mean, on your birthday and stuff, it's still nice to get a gift. Yeah, like don't like don't neglect it and be like, ah, they they don't really care about that one, so yeah, I'm just gonna not, you know.

SPEAKER_04

Get them a card and get them flowers and call it a day.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, you don't have to go spend, you know, thousands of dollars on a ring or you know, something very expensive.

SPEAKER_04

Um but be intentional, yeah. And why not fill all of them, you know?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

Um, fill the primary one more than the others, but don't neglect them because they are all ways of receiving love.

SPEAKER_01

I wonder where vacations would fall because it's quality time, but you're also that's a gift kind of too.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, that's meeting both of them.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. So you can knock out two birds one stone.

SPEAKER_04

There you go. So a quick reflection. Um, how can you give gifts if finances are tough?

SPEAKER_01

Quick reflection for them.

SPEAKER_04

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, something that you guys can try to reflect on. How can you give what did you write? How can you give gifts if finances are tough?

SPEAKER_04

Let's be honest, we're in the world of instant answers and AI and gratification. So what isn't always the best thing, but in this instance, use it. How literally Google how can I give gifts to my spouse even if my finances are tough? Yeah. See what they say.

SPEAKER_01

I mean, just from like a I guess I don't know if you're creative, if hopefully you can be a little creative with it, or if you're not, like she said, just Google it, I guess. But yeah, but um, you know, it could be something writing a hint, or I don't know, that's more words of affirmation. But it's still a gift.

SPEAKER_04

I was thinking something like a I don't know if this is silly, like an origami thing, like put making a heart for your spouse and leaving it on the counter so when they go like brush their teeth in the morning, they but it can also just be a thoughtful thing, like you know, you say you go get a cup of coffee and you know that they like the specific flavor with it, yes, and they didn't ask for it, but you just go ahead and get it and you bring it home.

SPEAKER_01

It I mean that's what like six bucks. Well nowadays probably more, but maybe sixteen dollars now. But I mean uh it's it could be something small like that. Like it doesn't have to be this grand expensive gesture. I think every single time. I think I I think a lot of people that have the receiving gifts that just like that's the way my tank feel feels fills up. It doesn't always have to be the most they bought me a car, like you know, it doesn't have to be anything you know. I mean, maybe that would be an amazing thing, but I I mean I don't know. Yeah, I mean I wouldn't do that, but um but but I think it's more of just it's the hey they're thinking of like they take a step back and they're like hey they're thinking of me. They they picked up this three dollar book because they they figured that it was something they know that I like uh romance novels or leadership books or whatever, whatever. And and they they just thought of me at when they were at the store. Yeah, you know, um oh it's my favorite um candy bar, or whatever, you know, it's something small, you know. I don't that's what I'm that's what I'm thinking when you when you wrote that. It's essentially showing that you thought of them and throughout your day when you weren't with them and now that aspect it's like if you dive deeper into the psychology of about receiving gifts, it's that. Hey, they were by themselves without me, but they stopped and they thought of me. Yeah, and it's like, oh, like you know, and it makes them feel it makes them feel good. So it doesn't have to be the most expensive thing every single time.

SPEAKER_04

You know, it can be a candy bar, go to the dollar store, pick some flowers on the side of the wild flowers.

SPEAKER_01

Well, those are free to go pick those are free. God gave them to you.

SPEAKER_04

Find an animal, bring it home. No.

SPEAKER_01

So moving along to the next one. Uh, quick recap. So uh words of affirmation, quality time, quality time, receiving gifts, and the fourth one that he has is acts of service.

SPEAKER_04

So oftentimes men try to show love to their spouse this way, but it may not be the wife's love language. Um, so I want to just give you a thought from turning a negative situation into a positive one. What your spouse cries for and criticizes may be their love language. So it's very easy to take offense to things, but you have the opportunity, you have the option to choose to be unoffended and step back and say, I've been mowing the lawn, I've been emptying the dishwasher, I've been washing the windows and showing. She's just saying that I never I I don't love her. I don't understand. Well, what is she asking for? I I never see you. I never talk to you. Well, she's a quality timer. She wants to talk to you. We spoke about that.

SPEAKER_01

You never move my hand in public. Okay, well then well, that's later on. Physical touch. Yeah. Yeah. Stuff like that.

SPEAKER_04

So try not to be offended and just step back and see and think about it and then pour into what they're crying for. It's literally they're sh telling you what they want. So use that. Walk in strength and maturity and use that to love your spouse. So no one likes to be forced to do anything. In fact, love is always freely given. So love cannot be demanded. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love. So again, I want you to take out the trash. I want you to do this. I want you to do that. That's like negative speaking.

SPEAKER_01

Well, I was just gonna say, even if they're doing, if they're because you turned a negative into a positive, but also the person that's saying that, yes, it goes back to it's when we were talking about words of affirmation. It's not what you say, it's how you say it. So if it's when we said in other videos where it's like if you keep using the you you language, yes, that's so that puts up that defense mechanism right away, and now you're going down a different path and you're you're opening the line for c conflict, right? So take a step back and and how can you incorporate like a we language when you're trying to portray to your spouse, or just tell them straight up, like this is how I feel about it. Like we're all we're all mature adults, so like just maybe have those healthy conversations, or maybe have a night where you guys take the quiz together, and then hey, that's a good uh good good thing to do is take the quiz together and sit down and and talk about it. Like, man, I never even realized that this is my level. I mean, you may know right away, or you may be like, wow, I didn't even realize that was so high on my list. This as I'm going through this, I started clicking yes to these ones and no to these ones, and I didn't realize that this one was so high on my list, and then they can that's a conversation that you have, and now you guys know it's laid out on the table, we're all mature, and we can, you know, now it's up to you to make the choice and move forward, to move forward and fill those. Yeah, so as far as acts of service as it relates to men, I do agree with you because men naturally have that usually have that instinct, like I want to provide, I want to, I want to um protect and I want to serve. Yes, and so that's why they're they're out there, you know, doing the yard, doing going to work, you know, every day, doing things around the house. Something goes wrong, they're out there trying to fix it, and and and they feel that they're by doing that, they're showing their spouse security and love and protection, and this is what she needs. And and she does need those things, but that again, that might not be her primary way she receives those. So don't it's again like don't neglect it. Don't like be like, oh well, she doesn't care about acts of service, so I'm not gonna take care of the yard. Well, now she's just gonna think you're lazy, you know. Yeah, you know, so it's it's tough, man, because it it is a balancing act of all of them, but just primarily focus on feeding, and it's gonna be a like a little bit of a mindset shift, especially if acts of service is how you think that you might have seen your dad, like you know, growing up. My dad always cut the lawn, and we had the perfect yard, and we had our house was always painted perfectly, and but you know, the driver was always pressure cleaned, and all the cars were taken care of, and and those things are great. But like maybe your wife was raised differently, and she's just like you know, she just always had time where her her mom was al and her grandma or whatever was always playing with her hair, and yeah, and uh you know, and that's and that's how she always received love. So it's it's a little bit of a mindset shift in that. Don't neglect the service part of it because that could lead to more issues, yeah. But maybe prioritize be intentional the top two or three. So So wrapping it up, the last one that he has, number five physical touch. Yes.

SPEAKER_04

So this can be holding hands.

SPEAKER_01

It doesn't have to it doesn't have to be uh I mean it is, but it doesn't have to be just sexual intimacy, right?

SPEAKER_04

Yes, yeah. Oh, that's a good point.

SPEAKER_01

So it could just be, you know, just sitting in public or or whatever at home, just hold doing something like this and just holding hands and you know, it could be something like that.

SPEAKER_04

Yes. So another good example I liked when he spoke to the men in counseling, Dr. Gary Chapman, he said a lot of the men thought theirs was physical touch because they liked intimacy, sexual intimacy with their spouse. But that's let's be honest, like men are typically h wired like that, you know. So he asked this man in particular, so you you love physical intimacy with your wife, but let me ask you if your wife criticizes you, speaks negatively of you, are you still gonna desire that intimacy with her? And he said, Well, no. So his was words of affirmation, and then obviously that intimacy is a huge dynamic of marriage. Um, so just be mindful of that. It might not number one be physical touch, it might be words of affirmation, and then the physical touch or the intimacy is even better because you're filling that number one.

SPEAKER_01

Like I said, it's gonna make the other areas of your relationship that much more fruitful.

SPEAKER_04

Yes. Um, find out what one is yours, what do you most desire from your spouse, what makes you feel loved above all else. So most intimacy issues in relationship have to do with needing emotional needs. So once you meet those emotional needs, the intimate intimacy issues will dissipate. It'll just start flowing naturally, like you said, because you're being filled.

SPEAKER_01

And I think probably more so for women on that topic. Because good emotional stability and emotional health leads to more especially sorry, uh specifically um with sexual intimacy, I think. Yeah, the the more the more emotionally healthy the woman is, it'll lead to a better sexual life.

SPEAKER_04

100%. Yes, definitely. Um, so how can we speak each other's love languages when we are full of hurt and anger or resentment over the past? So we are creatures of choice. Poor choices in the past do not mean we must make them in the future. You have the power to stop it, okay? Love doesn't erase the past, but it makes the future different. So when we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures in a healthy way. So when an action doesn't come naturally, it is a greater expression of love. You're choosing to love at that point. Are you even really loving when you're in the honeymoon phase? I would argue no. Because you're not sure. Once you come down from that, okay, now I get to choose them. I get to pursue them. I get to deny myself and serve them. Yeah. That's love.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

So just keep that in mind. It's not easy.

SPEAKER_01

It's always worth it.

SPEAKER_04

So there's different ways. Um, oh, and then I want to say one more time do if this is tough for you, that's okay. Like again, you have the choice, you have the Holy Spirit, you have Jesus, right? It's not gonna let you fail if you're pursuing you. Just keep on pursuing him, right? So with the power of the Holy Spirit, you can do all things. So just focus on that. It may not turn out how you want to, but his surrender to his way and ask him to help you to love him by loving others. So do a six-month experiment. Pour into your spouse their primary love language. So this places the initiative in your hands, so it is a choice. So you need to really be in prayer and um communion with the Lord because it's going to be an outpouring when you might not be poured into by your spouse. So you're gonna need the Lord to fill you up as you fill out. You always say the Lord is my portion as the Lord is my your portion.

SPEAKER_01

But I I I've seen it happen like time and time again where they do prioritize, right, sacrificially for their spouse, and then in return, they they their their spouse starts reciprocating and they start getting filled up, and that relationship goes from where you thought it was amazing, but like now it's just like it went to the next level. Yeah, you know, yeah. So I I mean, yeah, I I agree. You you do that six-month experiment, right? Like you said, just keep pouring into them, pouring into them, figure out their top two to three love languages and just keep feeding it and feeding it and feeding it, and you'll see that relationship go to the literally the next level.

SPEAKER_04

Yes. So yeah. So you can either um go online to take a test. You could, I think it's like the five love languages.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, so they have I mean it's in here. It's I don't know exactly where it is. It tells you where to go. It's like the fivelove languages.com.

SPEAKER_03

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

The only problem is with that is you it gives you so it's it's free, but then it only gives you your number one. Your number one, and then the rest of them are blanked out, and then you have to pay. And I don't know how much you have to pay, and I didn't pay. I wasn't gonna pay.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah, we didn't do that, we'll be honest. There are other tests online. I don't know, I know they don't go along.

SPEAKER_01

There's a link that we have. Yes. Um, so we'll under this video, we'll post the link. If you've never done it before, take the test, you and your spouse do it, take the time and and sit down and you take it, they take it, and then sit down and discuss it. Yeah, write it out. Yeah, and literally, like I said, and we've been saying, just once you figure out the top, it's gonna prioritize it, one through five, figure out the top two to three, and you both just feed it and just watch the relationship grow and and prioritize what you value. Yeah, and get the book. I mean, uh, I'm we don't have any I don't know him or anything like that, but I'm just yeah, we have no correlation.

SPEAKER_02

It's just a good idea.

SPEAKER_01

I wish I was getting money out. But just get it. It's on Amazon, it's uh I don't know, what was this, like 15 bucks or something? This is the new one. Yeah, and then there's again you can get used copies too for probably like less than five dollars. Yeah. So uh definitely get it. It's gonna, you know. I I always say personally, just like it's a good foundation, and it's something that you might just drift from a little bit, and like just I catch myself having to go back to it sometimes.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Um, because again, we are inherently selfish, like you always say, and you just get caught up in life, and you know, you just gotta s take a step back and prioritize what is the most important thing, what do you value? So this is just an easy it makes like I don't know if you're listening to this and you've never heard this before, but like it's just so easy and yeah, you know, it's very deep and profound, but at the same time, it's like that light bulb goes off, and it's like, wow, it's so it was something that was in front of you the whole time, but you didn't even see it. Yeah, exactly. That's a good way to a good way to put it. It's it's so simple.

SPEAKER_04

So there's also books for children, for teenagers. I think there's one for the workplace. So it it's it's the same five love languages, but they adapt it so the dialect changes.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, like just a quick uh before we wrap everything up, like say physical touch, for instance. Like if you if if you know that you're you're you're no sorry, you I'm talking about in a workplace, your your employee is a physical touch. Obviously, you're not gonna like, you know, like boundaries. That's that's different. You're gonna treat your spouse different than, but you know what? Hey, what up, bud? Like uh hey, like if it's a lady or whatever, like it could be a pound in the morning or high five, or you know, you don't have to, you know, physically like don't do that. Obviously, don't get in trouble. I'm just saying, like, I mean, I don't know who you let's put the disclaimer out there. But just you know, I'll a fist pump or something, and they you know, yeah, right.

SPEAKER_04

This guy's great, he just gives me high fives every day.

SPEAKER_01

I get a high five. This guy's amazing, you know.

SPEAKER_04

He sets the tone for the day.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, it could be something simple like that, and you're filling their love tank, and they're gonna work, you got your your workplace, is gonna be more fruitful as well. So, like always, guys, we always do a quick recap. Uh, there's five main ways that Dr. Chapman found um through all his years in his uh Christian uh marriage counseling and psychology. Found that there's five main ways that all humans receive and give love. Uh the five that he found were words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Uh, we'll post a link to the quiz. Um, you can pay for the the one that he has. Again, I don't know how much it is. Um put we'll post the link, take the quiz, figure out your this is this is your assignment right here. Figure out your spouse's top two to three love languages and fill them. Do the six-month experiment like Jenny said, just like and and just do it. Like see, and then look back in six months and be like, man, it actually did work because it's going to work. I'm telling you, it like it's going to work. I wouldn't be recommending this if it didn't work. I've seen it in our relationship, I've seen it in in the workplace, I've seen it with kids, I've seen it in other relationships. Um, it works, right?

SPEAKER_04

And another point too, love like you have nothing to lose. When you lay it all out on the table, at least you know you did everything you could, exactly. Yes. You know you did everything you could to the best of your ability. Yeah. And you loved and you served. Yeah. And then you can live with yourself.

SPEAKER_01

Exactly. Uh, so again, the next episode that we're gonna do is gonna be a recap of what uh our church series is on. It's relationship killers. We think it's gonna be a really good one. So we're gonna recap that, and then after that, I think we're gonna put on our big boy pants and big girl pants and try to get people uh other couples on and sit down and have fruitful conversations with them and navigate um their stories because stories are impactful and everyone's going through something that they might have, you know, you could learn something from them. They've already you're going through it, or or they've already been through it and they've got so much wisdom out of it, and you can take some some wisdom and practical truths out of that. So we're really excited to just kind of like take this to the to the next step is just get people on. And we said if if you if you want to just sit down and have a relaxed environment with us and have a cup of coffee and tell your story um and just have a conversation, we'd love to do that. So just reach out to Jenny or I, message us, text us if you if you have our numbers, whatever. So always remember the stronger the marriage, the stronger the family.

SPEAKER_04

And the best marriages are composed of two really, really good forgivers. God bless.

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Danny DeFelice

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