#31: Can I Be Both? Choosing Your Dreams and Your Family in Midlife

In this episode, I’m sharing a deeply personal moment that brought me face-to-face with a question I know many of us wrestle with: Can I be both? Can I be the mom who shows up, the grandma who’s present, the daughter who cares—and still say yes to my dreams?

If you’ve ever felt like just as you were finally making space for your own dreams, life started pulling you in another direction, I see you. I’m right there with you.

Today's conversation is like sitting down with your friends, the ones who really get you. I walk you through the exact questions I’ve been asking myself, and offer gentle, practical guidance to help you navigate this season without losing yourself.

Together, we’ll explore how to hold space for others while still honoring yourself and your dreams. Because it’s not either-or. You don’t have to disappear again. You can be both.

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Transcript

0:00

Now we're so much smarter than we were. We're so much wiser than we were. Now we get to do it differently. Now we get to show our families and ourselves what it looks like to stay true to yourself. The dream doesn't demand all of you, it just asks that you stay connected to it.

Speaker 3 0:21

You're never too busy, too tired, too old, or too anything to pursue your dreams. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer Podcast, where you'll learn how to move all those never ending distractions aside and chase your dreams with confidence.

0:42

Hello. Hello, how are you? Welcome back to the Distracted Dreamer podcast. I'm your friend and host Carlene, and if this is your first time here, welcome to the Distracted Dreamer family and you've landed on this episode and I believe there's a reason for that. Either you need to hear this, or there's a special woman out there that you know that needs to hear this. So be sure to share this with that special someone. Now, today's episode is for anyone who's ever felt like you've finally got your footing, you're finally dusting off those dreams because your family is all grown up. Now you have space and energy and excitement, and you feel like this is it. This is my time. But there's this tug at your heart. And you're thinking, what if my dreams are too big? What if I can't be there for my adult kids or my grand babies or my spouse or my aging parents? What if I have to burn it all down? I probably should just hang it up and take care of everyone else. I have had these thoughts lots of times. How about you? Does this feel all too familiar to you? Well, then you know what this is all about. It's about that moment when your daughter calls and says she needs you, or a grandbaby is on the way, or a family celebration takes over your calendar and part of you is so overjoyed to be there while another part of you wonders. Will there be any time left for me? So today we're going to get a grip on what is going on and how we can approach this special time in our lives where we're going through a rebirth of sorts, and it seems that everyone we care about is also going through big life changes. How do we embrace all of it without losing ourselves and our dreams? And I'm here to tell you that it's not as complicated as we are making it. I need to stop and let you hear that. It is not as complicated as we're making it. I know this because I've been living inside this tension lately, and my hope is that you can hear something in this for yourself. So I wanna tell you a little story. Well, actually there's two stories that brought this all home for me. Picture this, it's the end of October. My husband and I had just gotten home from dinner, celebrating my birthday, and sitting on our kitchen table was a basket, a cute little one with all the fall goodies and a note on it that said you've been booed. Now, if you've never heard of this, it's something we used to do back when we lived in Illinois. Neighbors would secretly leave treats on each other's porches in the days leading up to Halloween. And once you were booed, it was your turn to boo someone else. But here's the thing, we were still new to our neighborhood here in Tennessee. No one knew us yet. So I was standing there like, who would've done this? Curious. I opened the card and it was a poem. Very playful and creative, totally in the Halloween spirit, and I just have to share this really creative message from our middle daughter, Amanda. Okay, the front of the card said You've been booed. This is not a trick, but rather a treat. And then you open it up and on the inside it says, when Halloween is in the air, ghosts come out with treats to share. Read along if you dare, but know there's a secret that needs much care. Do not fear. I will make it quite clear something's been brewing but is not yet here. The wait is over. The time is near. I've come to share. You'll be grandparents next year. Oh my God. We are going to be grandparents. And that is how our daughter and her husband told us it was so adorable and such a creative way to tell us. And I just have to tell you, after reading the card, let's like cue all the happy tears. So many hugs looking at the baby's first sonogram Oh my heart. And it's that kind of moment that you never forget. And, and later, if I don't know, it could have been a couple weeks later, Amanda turned to me and she said something that I keep holding really close. She said, mom, I was thinking about how you'll always say you'll be there for us. And you just announced that you were starting your podcast right before we gave you the news. And I want you to know that you can't stop the podcast because you're gonna be a grandma. You have room to be both a podcaster and a grandma. Okay? And I just smiled because I thought, what a gift. That moment it reminded me. No one is asking me to give up my dreams. No one is saying I can't be both. I can be present and passionate, and with the baby coming any day now I find myself saying, it's all right if I walk away from my dreams and then I have to stop myself. Because it's not about choosing between them. It's not I have to choose my dreams or being a grandma. It's about choosing both. And you wanna know why? Because being a grandma is one of my dreams and I can be living more than one dream at a time. And so can you. So that is the heart of today's episode. It's the pull to show up, to be available, to say yes, especially for our adult kids, our grand babies, and our families, and maybe even more so for those of us who have spent years being everything for everyone. When we finally carve out space to pursue a dream, to write, to coach, to podcast, and then life asks us to pause, we wonder, should I just give it all up again and I'm here to tell you, friend? No, absolutely not. Okay. That was story number one. Story number two is I was on a call literally yesterday with two of my coaching colleagues, both incredible women in the same phase as life as me, and we were catching up and we were talking about business and life, and one of them said something that stopped me in my tracks. She said, I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop coaching so I can be there for my kids. We just celebrated my son's engagement party, and I know grandkids are coming soon. I don't wanna miss it. And I found myself doing what I always do. I started coaching her through it, and I asked, why does it have to be one or the other? Who says you can't support your kids and honor your dreams? And as I said the words, I realized I was speaking to myself too. Because I've had those same thoughts, those same urges, to hit pause just for a little while to shrink my dream down so there's more room for everyone else. But the truth is I can coach myself through this too. I can choose and I can hold space for others without losing myself. So this is the question that I've been holding lately is can I be fully present for my daughter and for this grand baby and for my family and still honor the creative part of me that's building something of my own, because I don't wanna disappear again, not this time. I'm learning that being available doesn't mean being consumed. It doesn't mean shelving my dreams, so everyone else gets what they need. Sometimes it means keeping the dream alive to keep going, to keep saying, yes, I'll help, but I'm still gonna show up and record a podcast every week. I'll show up and I'll still dream. You can be generous and be grounded in what you want for yourself. You can be present for other people and still protect your energy. You don't have to hustle through life trying to do it all, and you don't have to vanish. Support isn't about saying yes to everything and everybody. It's about being intentional, being present and available, but not consumed. Now, let's be honest, we already did the disappearing act. Once we put our dreams on hold while we raised our kids, built homes, supported everyone else, and now we're so much smarter than we were. We're so much wiser than we were. Now we get to do it differently. Now we get to show our families and ourselves what it looks like to stay true to yourself. And you are going to discover some beautiful things if you're in the season of life, pulled between supporting your family and staying true to your dreams. Here are a few questions to sit with and I wanna offer some examples of what you might uncover because sometimes we don't realize the wisdom that is already in us. And when I say that you are smarter than you were 20 years ago or 30 years ago, you are smarter, you are wiser, you trust yourself more. This is our time. That is a superpower to have, and you don't get that without. Living life, experiencing life, going through the hardships, going through the ups and downs, learning that you can count on yourself. So this is a superpower that we have at this time in our lives. Do not dismiss it. And what you can do is you can ask yourself these questions. To help you uncover what is it that you really want in this next phase of your life? So the first question is, where am I feeling called to be present right now? This isn't just about where you should be. Remember, we don't wanna talk about shoulds. It's about tuning into yourself what feels meaningful to you. And so here's some things that you might discover when you ask yourself the question, where am I feeling called to be present right now? You might discover, I want to be present for my daughter as she steps into motherhood. Not just to help but to actually witness her becoming. Oh my gosh, that is so huge for me. I cannot wait to see my daughter be a mom. It has always been her dream, and I cannot wait to witness that. Or you might discover, I feel called to be present with myself maybe in the mornings, even just 30 minutes to write before the rest of the world needs me or. You might discover, I wanna be there for my parents in this chapter, but not at the cost of completely shelving. What lights me up? Here's the second question you can ask yourself. How can I show up without fully stepping back from my dreams? Now, this is where the creative compromise happens. You might discover. I can batch content ahead of time so I have space to unplug without disappearing. You can, you can batch your chores, you can batch your errands, you can batch anything so that you're staying focused using the same energy. That's what batching is. Or you might discover, maybe this isn't a launch season, maybe it's a season where I plant some seeds and I can journal some ideas. I can read more, or I can sketch and it's about quietly nurturing what's next. Or maybe you might discover I can talk openly with my family about carving out some protected time for myself because they might support me more than I think. And the third question is, what would it look like to choose both me and them in small, intentional ways? This isn't about balance. Balance doesn't exist. This is about having a rhythm. And you might discover Monday mornings are for me, this is when I write, when I plan, when I have my chai tea latte, or maybe this is when I visit my grand baby. And I'll bring a notebook, 10 minutes of reflection, that's still forward movement. Or you might discover I can set boundaries around my coaching calls. So I'm still available for family dinners and my clients. So you're not a coach, that's fine. But we all have calls. Whatever those appointments are, start building them to reflect the kind of life that you wanna have, the kind of days that you wanna have. You are in charge of your schedule. And the fourth question is, what example do I wanna set for my kids and grandkids about what it means to live fully in this phase of life? And this one goes deep. And it might just be that spark that keeps your dream lit and you might discover, I want them to see that dreaming doesn't expire with age. You're never too old to dream. Or maybe you will say, I want them to witness that showing up for others doesn't require you to abandon yourself. Or maybe you might discover that you want your grandchild to grow up. Knowing that, being creative and courageous, it isn't just for the young, it's for your entire life. Now, this may not be the time to launch something big, but maybe it's time to keep something alive. So remember, there are small things that you can do. You can record a podcast episode when the baby naps. You can do some research while the baby naps. You can make phone calls when the baby naps. There's so many things you can do when the baby naps, right? You can sketch or write after a family visit. Um, you can keep a note on your phone where you're just capturing ideas no matter how scattered they are. The dream doesn't demand all of you, it just asks that you stay connected to it. So it asks that you don't forget even as you're caring for everyone else, so you don't have to abandon your dreams. What ways can you think of to stay connected to your dreams? That is the most important question that I think you need to answer. Okay, so here's what's really helping me keep the healthy perspective of I can choose them and I can choose me, but it's something that's easy to forget when we're in the thick of caregiving and showing up for everyone else. And we already talked about this. When we are going through those questions, our children and our grandchildren, they're watching us. They watch us their entire lives. They're observing how we navigate this next chapter. How we balance being there for others with being there for ourselves. They're learning from us what it looks like to honor personal dreams, to pursue passions, and to really live our values. And research supports this, children with positive role models in their lives. They tend to develop higher self-esteem, stronger values, and greater resilience. And I don't have the research in front of me. I I have been reading up on it though. And having a grandparent, having grandparents in your life, it supports all of that. The higher self-esteem, stronger values, greater resilience. An active grandparent can really change. A child's life. But that doesn't mean that the grandparent gives up on themselves. When we demonstrate that we have perseverance, that we still wanna live a creative life, that we have self-compassion, we actually give them a living example of how to approach their lives with courage and with integrity. When we choose to keep our dreams alive, even in small ways, we're not just nurturing ourselves, we're setting a precedent for the generations that follow. We're showing them that it's possible to be both devoted to family and be true to oneself. Okay, let's wrap this up here. To the dreamer, who's also the caregiver, the new grandparent, the helper on call, I want you to hear this. You matter too. You are allowed to be present for other people and passionate about what lights you up. You get to love well, and you get to live it up. This is your time. You get to live it up. No one is asking you to quit. No one expects you to shrink. And even if they do. You don't have to. You can say no, and if you don't know how to say no, go to my previous episode where I teach you how to say no, and you can choose your moments, and I encourage you to choose you two and to choose your dreams. If this episode resonated or someone popped into your head while listening, share this episode with them. And I also invite you to click on the Send Carlene a text link in the show notes. I'd love to hear your story, especially if you're in this in between space, making space for others and still holding space for yourself. Or if there's something you want me to dive deeper into on a future episode, let me know that too. Thank you so much for being here with me today. And remember your dreams. They are waiting for you and your time. It's now and I'll be back next week. Ready to welcome you to our next conversation.

Carlene 19:05

Oh, and one more thing. This is the legal language. You know, the stuff that the lawyers put together, and they say that I need to read this to you. So here we go. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I'm not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals. Got it? Good. I will see you in the next episode.