#38: When the Parenting Dream Collides with Reality: Letting Go of Guilt

Have you ever carried that quiet guilt—the kind that whispers you're not doing enough, even when you're doing everything? You're not imagining it. Parenting today asks more of us than ever before—and it’s leaving a lot of us burned out, overwhelmed, and riddled with guilt.

I used to think the stress was just part of the job. But then I looked at the numbers. And I realized—this isn't a personal failing. It's a system that’s stacked against us.

In this episode, I’m diving into what happens when the parenting dream meets the pressure cooker of modern life. We’ll unpack the guilt that keeps us stuck and explore how small, intentional shifts can help you reclaim a parenting life that actually feels like yours.

HERE ARE 3 KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE

1️⃣ The invisible labor of parenting today is stealing your sleep, your joy, and your identity—and it’s not your fault.

2️⃣ Modern working mothers spend more time with their kids than stay-at-home moms did in the 1970s—and we’re still told it’s not enough.

3️⃣ The pressure to “do it all” leads to guilt-driven parenting,—but you get to decide what “enough” really means.

If you’re craving more ease, more presence, and less guilt—this one’s for you.

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Transcript

Speaker 3 0:01

You're never too busy, too tired, too old, or too anything to pursue your dreams. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer Podcast, where you'll learn how to move all those never ending distractions aside and chase your dreams with confidence.

0:23

Hello, my friend. I am so glad that you are here today. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer podcast. I'm your host Carlene, and today we're talking about something that's very tender and complicated and deeply human. It's about the dream of being a parent, of having a family. And maybe your dream looked like snuggles at sunrise or messy art projects, weekend pancakes or giggles in the backseat. Um, and a rhythm of life that felt joyful, connected you probably imagined milestones that were celebrated with ease, a supportive circle of fellow moms and weekends at grandma's feeling like magic. And that dream is beautiful and it's real for moments, but what we don't talk about enough is what happens when that dream collides with the reality of modern parenting. Because the truth is parenting today asks more of us than ever before, and too often it leaves us wondering if we're enough. Let's be real. Raising kids while working, no matter if it's from home or commuting to your job every day isn't exactly easy. And company support and flexibility for parents is severely lacking. You're juggling two full-time jobs at the same time, and if you work from home, you're doing these two things in the same space, often without a moment to breathe, and yet somehow you're doing it with grit, grace, and more love than anyone sees. I've been there myself. Your home and family distracts you from work, and then your work distracts you from your home and family, and you feel like you have no control over anything. And you spend your day reacting to whatever pops up and needs your attention, and that's draining. And still you push yourself to do more. It's a never ending cycle of stress. But here's what I really wanna unpack today with you, is that quiet, persistent weight. So many of us carry, it's called guilt. Not the kind that nudges you to apologize or do better, but the kind that sits heavy. It keeps you up at night. The guilt that whispers, you're not doing enough, you're not being enough. It's the kind that makes you say things like, it's okay. I'll clean up the dishes. I missed your dance recital anyway. As if overextending yourself somehow makes it right. That kind of guilt. It's powerful and I know it well because I've lived it. But before we dive into guilt, let's start with some truth here. And I want you to know you are not alone in this. In fact, I got data to back this up. So according to the US surgeon General, 50% of parents say they're overwhelmed by stress on most days. 77% of single parents are lonely and 65% of other parents also report being lonely. And 75% of parents, they're experiencing burnout. And you know, those numbers are probably unreported because parents have normalized the chaos. We say this is just what life is now. But parenting is sacred work. And as caregivers, we need care too. And research shows the children appearance with poor mental health. This is unbelievable to me, are four times more likely to experience poor mental and physical health themselves. So taking care of yourself. It isn't selfish, it's responsible, it's protective, and it's modeling. What I mean by that is when your children watch you care for your health. When you rest, when you take care of your relationships, they learn what it means to live a healthy and sustainable life. The other thing that we have to realize is we're also parenting in a different world than our own parents did. Okay, so today's modern working mothers now spend more focused time with their kids than stay at home mothers Did in the 1970s, did you hear that you are spending more time with your kids than moms did in the 1970s? And while we're giving our kids both quantity and quality time, guess what we're sacrificing. We're sacrificing our sleep, our friendships, our rest, our hobbies, and our personal identity to do it. Despite having fewer children and having much more involved fathers, which I love seeing this, we are still more hands on than ever. The invisible labor of the planning and the prepping and the scheduling and anticipating it falls heavily on caregivers, often mothers, and all of this multitasking. It takes its toll on us. We have higher stress, we have mental fatigue, and we have this lost sense of self. So think about what are we actually modeling for our kids that adulthood equals exhaustion, that love equals constant performance. Uh, it's like we've become so good at enriching our children's lives that we've actually impoverished our own. But I've got some great news. It doesn't have to be this way. So today isn't about fixing you, it's about finding your way back to yourself in the dream of family and parenting. Not with big dramatic changes, but with small shifts that give you back your agency. So psychiatrist, Dr. Puja Laman, also bestselling author of Real Self-Care, says Agency is about reclaiming your ability to take action even when life feels outta control. So it's not about fixing everything, it's about making one small decision that says, I'm ready to do this differently. And here's the thing about doing things differently. It starts by questioning the narrative. Because if guilt is driving your choices, something's misaligned. That constant push to prove you're doing enough from being enough, it's not rooted in your values. It's rooted in pressure, in expectation and fear. And when we parent from that place, we stay in the cycle. Of chasing perfection, beating ourselves up, and still feeling like we're falling short. I've been there. I've felt that quiet ache of not enoughness, the guilt that crept in when I missed something, forgot something, or I was simply just too dang tired. And in the middle of that season, raising three girls, being stretched in every direction, I made a really hard choice. It was a small but powerful shift. So let me share this with you. When my girls were little, I fell headfirst into the mom hustle. You know, the one where your busyness becomes a badge of honor. Every mom around me seemed to be constantly running from one thing to the next, and I started to believe that maybe that's what being a good mom looked like. So I jumped in toddler gym classes, music lessons, perfectly packed lunches, birthday parties, the works. I kept the house running, managed the shopping, the bills, appointments, all of it. But one day. I found myself in a music class shaking Moroccos while my daughters steered blankly into space. They didn't wanna be there. And honestly, neither did I. And that moment stopped me and I thought, why are we doing this? Who is this really for? And what version of motherhood am I trying to measure up to? I realized I was parenting from guilt, trying to prove something, trying to keep up, and none of it aligned with our actual values. I'm not a hustle at all cost kind of person, so I made a conscious decision. I wasn't going to over schedule my kids just to soothe my own fears or meet someone else's idea of what good parenting looks like. So we chose a slower rhythm, just one activity at a time. Girl Scouts, soccer, cheer, art spread out over the years, not all at once. They swam in the summer, they learned piano, and it was enough. It was more than enough. And creating that white space, space to breathe, space to rest, to be, it changed everything. It protected our peace and it protected their childhood, and I honestly believe it protected me too. And that choice reminded me. Good parenting isn't about doing more. It's about doing what matters. And part of what matters is giving our kids and ourselves room to just be our children. They need white space. They need time to be bored to rest and to wander through their own imaginations. That's where creativity lives. That's where dreaming begins. And if we pack every moment with productivity, we rob them of that quiet magic. They won't learn how to daydream if they're constantly being rushed from one thing to the next. Now, I could tell you don't feel guilty for missing the dance recital or skipping that class party or being too tired to play after a long day, but you already know that kind of reassurance. It doesn't stick. Because guilt, it's not logical, it's emotional, and it's often rooted in a story that we've been told about what a good parent should look like. So instead of brushing the guilt away, I want to offer you something more useful, a fresh lens, a new way to see what parenting has become, and to decide for yourself what kind of parent you actually want to be. Because once I started digging into the research, I was honestly stunned. The numbers tell a powerful story and they explain how we got here. You didn't do this. You just happened to be here parenting at this point in time, and maybe just, maybe they'll help you see that. It's not you, it's the system. So take this in. Let's start off with the productivity paradox of modern motherhood, despite unprecedented workforce participation, meaning there are more women in the workforce than ever before. We're more present with our kids than ever before. The question is, but at what cost to ourselves. So I'm gonna give you the bottom line right up front here. Modern working mothers aren't just better at time management. We have fundamentally changed what childhood looks like, and it started with my generation of parents and it continues today. But while we're providing both quantity and quality time with our kids, we're sacrificing downtime, sleep and adult relationships to do it. The having it all narrative does it really mean doing it all. Last week, a friend that I see at my workout classes, she posted a photo from her daughter's soccer practice. She had her laptop balanced on her knees. She was emailing clients between Cheers and she captioned it, living the dream with that exhaustive sarcasm that only mothers can. Perfect. So her posts reminded me of a statistic that's been rattling around in my head, modern working mothers. Spend 11 hours per week in focused childcare, the same amount that stay at home Mothers spent in 1975. Working Mothers today spend the same amount of time focused on childcare as stay at home mothers Did. In 1975. So think about that. You're doing great. But despite working outside the home, despite all our talk about quality over quantity, we're actually spending more time actively parenting than the generation that supposedly had all the time in the world. And the numbers are really staggering. Mothers today spend 13 and a half hours per week with kids compared to 10.6 hours in 1965. Working mothers today, spend as much time with kids as the 1980s stay at home mothers did and time spent on housework has dropped from 32 hours to 18 hours per week for mothers. Now, despite having fewer kids and more involved fathers, modern mothers are more hands-on than ever. So how is this possible? And more importantly, what is it costing us? Here's what really happened. We didn't just get better at time management. We compressed childhood into a higher intensity, hyper structured experience. I remember when I was parenting my three girls, it was happening right in front of me and I was part of it. And so think about the difference between a 1980s childhood and today. So I was a teenager in the 1980s, so I remember it very well. And in the eighties, kids played outside unsupervised until dusk. Parents roughly knew where we were, but they weren't orchestrating every interaction that we were having. Birthday parties were literally cake at home and games in the backyard and sports were just seasonal and optional. Today, every play date is arranged weeks in advance. Parents drive kids to activities. They stay to supervise and network with other parents. Birthday parties are themed productions with custom cookies and Pinterest backdrops. Sports are year round with travel tournaments and specialized coaching before kindergarten even. We didn't just give kids more attention. We re-engineered childhood and working mothers were the architects of that change. Because we had limited time, we made every interaction count. We turned parenting into this intensive, optimized experience. But here's what statistics don't capture the invisible work that makes all of this possible. Researcher Eve Rodsky found that while mothers spend more focused time with their kids, they're also constantly multitasking. And that mental load includes remembering which kid has practice when coordinating the carpools and birthday R VPs, planning and prepping every activity, managing family emotional dynamics. And anticipating needs before they even become problems. As one mom put it, I'm not just spending time with my kids. I'm project managing their entire childhood. Oh, that really spoke to me. I'm not just spending time with my kids. I'm project managing their entire childhood. So this is what modern motherhood looks like. It's responding to email messages or slack messages while you're making breakfast. It's taking client calls from the soccer field, bleachers. It's meal planning during the commute home. It's helping with homework while prepping tomorrow's lunches. It, we've gotten really good at the simultaneous presence being physically with our kids while we mentally manage everything else. And yes, there's a cost to this. Research shows that chronic multitaskers report higher stress, less felt presence, difficulty engaging deeply with anything and persistent mental fatigue. We're giving our kids our time, but are we giving them our attention? There's something uncomfortable in this data. The old quality time justification may actually be backwards. We told ourselves that working mothers could compensate for less time by making the time they had more meaningful. But it turns out we're providing both quantity and quality while sacrificing ourselves so what have working mothers given up to maintain both. Well sleep mother's average 17 minutes less sleep per night than fathers do. Adult friendships has dropped dramatically. Uh, couple time. Marital satisfaction often decreases post kids. Personal interest and hobbies. No, no, no more time for that. Downtime and rest, no, no more of that. So we solved the not enough time with kids problem by stealing time from ourselves. We solve the not enough time with kids problem by stealing time from ourselves. And there's a term for this, it's called intensive parenting. It's the belief that good parents should provide large amounts of focus, time, and energy to optimize their kids' development. It shows up as scheduling multiple activities for kids every week, hovering during play dates instead of letting kids navigate conflict. Researching and optimizing every aspect of child development. Feeling guilty when not actively engaging and measuring parental success by our kids' achievements. Oof so ironically. Studies show this level of involvement. It doesn't necessarily produce better outcomes than the benign neglect of previous generations like in the seventies and eighties. But let's be honest about what we traded. Okay? Here's what we gained. We gained more involved fathers, which is amazing. I love seeing this. We have a greater awareness of child development. That's, that's a good thing. We have closer parent-child relationships, and we have more educational opportunities for our kids. But we lost things too. Our kids lost independence and problem solving skills. They lost unstructured play and boredom, which actually sparks creativity. They lost having multi-age peer interactions in the neighborhood, we also lost parents' ability to have adult lives separate from our kids. If you recognize yourself here, you are not alone. But I think there are ways to honor both your desire to be present and your need for sustainability. Here are three small experiments to try. One is create some protected focus blocks. So instead of being semi available all day, create specific windows of full availability, followed by protected time for yourself or your work. So for example, four to 6:00 PM is kid time, no phones, no emails, no screens. And then maybe after you get the kids to bed, eight to 9:00 PM is work time. Kids know not to interrupt unless it's an emergency. Okay? Another experiment you can try is the boredom challenge. Once a week, give your kids a completely unstructured afternoon, no activities planned, no screen time, minimal parental input. See what they create. And the third experiment you can try is do an adult friendship audit. Track how much time you spend in non-work related adult conversation without kids present. If it's less than two hours per week, maybe something needs to change. Maybe the most radical move isn't spending more time with our kids, but redefining what enough actually is. So what if enough looked like being fully present for fewer activities instead of partially present for everything? Or what if teaching kids to entertain themselves rather than being their constant entertainment, maybe that's enough. Maybe enough is modeling a life where adults have interests and relationships beyond their kids. And maybe enough means showing kids that parents are whole people, not just caregiving machines. This isn't about loving our kids less. It's about loving them sustainably. In Denmark, there's a concept called huga, which includes letting children be bored and figuring things out for themselves. Danish parents are present and loving, but they don't feel obligated to optimize every moment. The result. Danish children consistently rank among the happiest in the world. Danish adults report higher life satisfaction and better work life balance. They've figured out something that we're still learning. Children benefit from having parents who are fulfilled humans, not just devoted caregivers. Now it's your turn. Do a presence audit with yourself this week. Track not just your time with your kids, but the quality of your attention. So for each interaction you can ask, was I fully present or was I multitasking? Did this feel energizing or depleting? What would've happened if I'd done less but been more focused and reflect? Where am I giving time out of guilt versus genuine desire? Another reflection question, what would change. If I gave myself permission to be good enough instead of optimal. And how can I model having a life outside parenting for my kids? Here's the thing about those statistics. They prove that we're incredibly devoted mothers. That's a good thing, but they also reveal that we've solved the wrong problem. The issue was never that working mothers didn't spend enough time with their kids. The issue is that we've created a culture where motherhood consumes everything else. So my friend who posted on Instagram, she started an experiment. Saturday mornings are now boring time. Her daughter plays independently while she drinks coffee and reads. And at first she complained about being bored, but now her daughter builds these elaborate fairy houses and puts on shows for the dog. And she remembered what it feels like to think her own thoughts. Now, maybe that's the real revolution, not spending more time with our kids, but teaching them and ourselves that love doesn't require constant performance. And all of this, the data, the stories, the constant multitasking, it can feel like a wake up call. And that's exactly what I hope it is. Not to overwhelm you, but to give you a new perspective. A moment to step outside the noise and say, wait a second, is this really working for me? Because once we see the invisible forces shaping modern motherhood, we can begin to untangle ourselves from them and that starts with noticing how guilt shows up and what we do with it. Okay, so I wanna offer you a few more reflection questions, and these are gentle check-ins you can use when you feel guilt creeping in. And I'll walk you through each one with a real life example to help you see how it might sound in your own life. So question number one, when you feel guilt, you're gonna ask yourself, what triggered this guilt? Was it missing something? Was it saying no? Was it feeling distracted? An example answer of that might be, I felt guilty after I told my son I couldn't help with his Lego project because I had a meeting. It was his disappointed face that triggered it. Okay, that's question number one. Question number two, how did I respond to the guilt? Meaning, did you try to fix it? Did you overcompensate? Did you beat yourself up? So here's what an answer to this question might sound like. I ended up staying up late to help him build it anyway, even though I was exhausted and snappy, I wasn't really present. I was just trying to erase the guilt in question number three is, is this guilt based on my values or on someone else's expectations? Ask yourself if this pressure aligns with what truly matters to you. Here's an example of how an answer might sound to this question is, I realized I felt guilty because I think good moms should always drop everything. But my value is teaching my kids balance and boundaries, that guilt, and it come from me. It came from an old narrative. Hmm. And here's a final check on yourself. Is. Asking yourself, am I sacrificing something essential, like sleep, health, or joy to avoid this guilt? So maybe your answer to this question sounds something like, I skipped dinner and didn't move my body all day just to make up for missing that school assembly. That's a red flag, but my wellbeing matters too. And what would I tell a friend in my exact situation? Little spoiler alert here. You'd probably be way more compassionate and your answer might sound like if my friend told me the story, I'd say, you're doing your best. Your kid knows you love them. One missed moment doesn't erase all the ones that you show up for. And then you would think, so why is it so hard to say that to myself? Hmm. What you could do is you could keep a little guilt journal, like just keep a simple note on your phone or in a notebook, and track the moments when guilt shows up and go through these questions, what triggered it, how you responded, and what you needed instead. Because here's the truth, guilt isn't a moral compass. It's a signal. It's your body and mind saying something's off. Not wrong. Not broken, just out of alignment. And when you pause to listen, you start to reclaim your agency that we talked about at the beginning of the episode, you regain control. Here's what I hope you take with you from today. You don't have to earn your worth through exhaustion. You don't have to perform perfect parenting to prove your love, and you don't need to keep up with a version of motherhood that doesn't align with your values. You are allowed to reclaim your time. You are allowed to say no to the hustle and yes to white space for yourself and for your kids. You're allowed to be a whole person, not just a caretaker, and you're allowed to release the guilt that says you have to do it all because what your kids really need. Isn't a perfect parent, it's a present one. A parent who medals boundaries, who takes care of their own joy, who shows what it looks like to live a life that's full and sustainable. If this episode sparks something in you, I'd be so grateful if you'd share it with a fellow parent who might need to hear it too. Maybe someone who's caught in the same swirl of guilt and self-doubt, remind them that they're not alone either. They'll thank you. And as you go back into your day, remember this, the dream of parenting isn't gone. It's just waiting beneath all this noise, a little quieter, a little slower. It's found not in doing more, but in being more present for the moments that actually matter. You've got this and I'm cheering you on.

Carlene 28:21

Alright, my sweet friend Thank you so much for being here with me today. And remember your dreams. They are waiting for you and your time. It's now and I'll be back next week. Ready to welcome you to our next conversation. Oh, and one more thing. This is the legal language. You know, the stuff that the lawyers put together, and they say that I need to read this to you. So here we go. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I'm not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals. Got it? Good. I will see you in the next episode.