#40: Perfectionism Is Stealing Your Dreams — Here's How to Take Them Back

This episode is one I needed to hear as much as I needed to record.

Because perfectionism? It’s still something I wrestle with almost every day.
It shows up when I try to write. When I go to share something personal. When I wonder if what I’m doing is “enough.”

And here’s what I know now: perfectionism is stealing our dreams.

In this episode, I’m opening up about my own struggles with getting stuck in the “not good enough” spiral — and how I’m using three mindset shifts to move forward. learning to move forward. I’ll also share what research says about why perfectionism is getting worse, how it affects our mental health, and why letting go of “perfect” is one of the bravest things we can do.

HERE ARE 3 KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE:

1️⃣ Being imperfect and vulnerable is what truly connects us. Perfect separates us. It's time to be real.

2️⃣ Perfectionism is a lie, making you believe you have control over everything. Your dreams require you to focus on what YOU can control and nothing more.

3️⃣ You'll never make progress until you're willing to start scared. The most courageous thing you can do is show up — voice cracking, rough draft in hand, heart beating fast — and do it anyway.

If you're ready to stop waiting until it's perfect and start moving forward imperfectly, this one’s for you.

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Transcript

Speaker 3 0:01

You're never too busy, too tired, too old, or too anything to pursue your dreams. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer Podcast, where you'll learn how to move all those never ending distractions aside and chase your dreams with confidence.

0:18

Well, hello. Hello my friends. Welcome back to the Distracted Dreamer podcast. I am your host, Carlene, and I am thrilled that you are here today because this episode is the one where I am letting you off the hook to let go of perfect, because that isn't even a thing. We're always trying to do whatever thing perfectly or we're waiting for the perfect time, or the perfect someone, or the perfect school, or the perfect job. And the truth is none of that actually exists. So today we're talking about perfectionism because I've heard you in your texts and emails that this is something that you wrestle with and so do I. Let's have the conversation and let each other off the hook. How does that sound? Whether you're launching a project, writing a book, posting on social media, planning, that anniversary party for your parents, getting ready to book that dream vacation, you may be stopping yourself before you even start because it's not perfect yet. I know I have had so many of those moments and I can't even count them. You know how it goes. You have an idea, a project, or a book, or a big move. Just a, a big dream and you feel so excited until a voice pops in your head and says, you better do it perfectly or don't do it at all. Today's episode, it's for that part of you, the one that feels paralyzed because perfection is whispering that you are not ready. It is for the part of you that wants to create, to share, to dream, and to show up, but keeps getting stuck in the not quite good enough spiral. So today we're gonna talk about three shifts that you can make to release the grip of perfectionism. And we're gonna talk about how letting go of perfectionism might just be the first step towards actually living out your dreams. And I believe 100% that perfectionism is the most clever form of self-doubt that you will ever meet. So let's get into it. First, let's talk about where the heck does all this perfectionism come from? Like is this a now problem or have we always been like this? There was a study done in 2017 meta-analysis that looked at data from 1989 to 2016. Our world was very, very different in 1989 and found that perfectionism, especially socially prescribed perfectionism. Has risen by over 30%. So what the heck does that even mean? Well, it means that more and more of us are feeling pressure to be perfect in the eyes of others. That is a huge jump and the experts point to a few reasons why this has happened. We've had a lot of changes in our world since 1989. Um, one is that we have become a hyper competitive culture, right? Hello? Hustle. We can all relate to that. And then there's the social media comparison, all the filtered highlight reels, they're everywhere. And then there is this achievement based self-worth, that if you achieve, then you're a good person. If you don't achieve, there's something wrong with you. So I want you to know this isn't just a you problem. This is a cultural one, but here's the secret. Imperfect is much more magnetic than perfect will ever be. We just have to start believing that because the truth is perfectionism. It actually separates us. But being vulnerable, that's what connects us. So let's take this even a step deeper. Because perfectionism, it isn't just annoying. It can be really harmful to us. And according to clinical psychologists, perfectionism is strongly linked to anxiety. Yeah, you feel a lot of anxiety when you're trying to be perfect. Depression, burnout, insomnia. Are you up all night thinking about how you didn't get a perfect eating disorders? And the list goes on. And here's one that I feel deeply is the shame spirals. You know, like you put something off because it's not perfect and then you feel guilty for putting it off and then you avoid it even more. Does that sound familiar? And you know, it's not just stressful, it's exhausting. And the worst part of it is this isolates us. Perfectionism says, don't let them see the real you. Not until you've fixed everything. And that's why this conversation matters so much. This isn't just about getting your stuff done and following your dreams. This is for our wellbeing. So your mental health is more important than getting it perfect because perfect, it does not exist. Let's dive into the three shifts that you can make to start letting go of the perfectionism habit. And it is a habit. We do it and we don't even realize that it's happening. The first shift that I wanna talk about is let it be an 85. When I had the idea for the Distracted Dreamer podcast I was paralyzed by all the ways that it could go wrong. I obsessed over the audio, the flow, the branding. I literally had the intro recorded for weeks before I even let anyone hear it, and I kept tweaking things that didn't even matter because I was afraid to put myself out there and perfectly. Eventually, I whispered to myself, let it be an 85, like a b plus is good enough. It doesn't have to be flawless. It just has to be real. And that's when things started moving for me.'cause you know what? We're not in school anymore. Nobody's grading us on our dreams. The last 15% that we kill ourselves over, it usually doesn't make a big difference. And sometimes it's the very thing keeping us from showing up at all. So the dream matters more than the Polish. The connection matters more than the perfect execution, and we just think if we're not doing it at a hundred percent that we're failing. But here's the truth, most dreams don't even require perfection. Nothing does because perfect doesn't exist. Dreams just need momentum. So imagine if getting takeout with friends, that's the 85%, right? That's an 85, became more valuable than waiting months to plan the perfect dinner party, right? That's the perfect 100%. And that never happens. That 100 never happens. So think about how many ideas have you had that get buried because you fear that it won't be perfect. A dream that lives only in your head. It really isn't safe up there. It's kind of suffocating and we have to let it breathe, so we have to let it out, and the best way to let it out is to let it be an 85. Okay? Shift number two is let me focus on what I can control and forget the rest. Let's talk about one of perfectionism sneakiest little tricks. We think about perfectionism, it's like high standards excellence, but let's just call it what it really is. It's just procrastination in fancy clothes. It tells us. Just one more edit, just one more draft, but really it's fear. Fear of being seen, fear of getting it wrong. Fear that people are going to judge the thing that we really, really care about. And I feel this all the time while writing my book. I've started and stopped so many times, not because I don't care, but because I care so much. And sometimes that level of caring, it just makes me freeze. And I'll catch myself thinking if I can't do this perfectly, maybe I shouldn't do it yet. So I have a little story to tell you. One night I was in the kitchen making dinner and I was chatting with two of my daughters and we started talking about book reviews. And I said something like, you know, some of these reviews are awful, like truly mean. And then I admitted that's part of why I'm scared to put my book out there because it's one thing to wrestle with your own self-doubt, but it's a whole other thing to hear someone else say that you're not good enough. That fear of judgment, it really runs deep. And honestly, when I said that out loud to my daughters, I just felt better just saying it out loud. I was like, wow, that really is a reason why I'm, I'm holding back. But here's the truth that I keep coming back to. Books don't get written by perfect people. They get written by persistent people. The ones willing to write a messy sentence to cringe a little, and then come back to it at a at a later time. So here, here's another one. I barely post about my work online, even though I believe in what I'm creating. And this podcast, the writing, all of it, perfectionism creeps in every time I go to share it. What if it sounds self-promotional and salesy? What if the caption isn't clever enough? What if people just scroll past it anyway? And then, you know what I do? I don't post at all. Go look at my Instagram. I try and then I just, I, I can't do it anymore. It's too hard to get through that fear. And you know what? Not posting at all. That's not a strategy. That's fear, and I know that I'm not alone in that. So perfectionism, it isn't about quality, it's about control. It's anxiety, whispering that if you can control every outcome, you'll avoid rejection or disappointment. And, and here's the really, really harsh thing about perfectionism is it actually pretends to be our friend. It pretends to protect us, but all it really does is keep us small. And here's the kicker. We're delaying the life that we want waiting to be flawless. Yeah. And if, if you wait until you are ready or perfect, you're never gonna start. So that book that you wanna write, that business idea or that hobby that you miss, you're scared. And perfectionism is the mask that fear wears. So let it be messy, let it be a rough draft. Let it be a baby step, because movement matters more than mastery. So focus on what you can control. And let the rest of it go. You cannot control other people's reaction to the work that you are putting out there. They don't get a vote. Your vote is the only one that matters, and your vote is to focus on what matters. Focus on what you can control. Okay? Shift number three. It's very simple. I just want you to tell yourself I am courageous perfectionism. It doesn't just slow us down. It's actually stealing our dreams, and there's even a term for it in psychology. It's called perfection paralysis, and it means that we want to do the thing. We wanna start the podcast or finish the book or launch the business or take the trip, whatever it is. But we're afraid that we won't be good enough. So we just don't, we tell ourselves we're waiting until we're ready, but often we're just scared. So recently, oh my gosh, it took me over two hours to write a single email. I thought I was gonna pull my hair out, and at the time I told myself, my head's just not in it. But looking back, I realized what was really happening. I was chasing perfection, and I kept rephrasing. I kept second guessing. I kept changing words that didn't need to be changed all because I wanted it to be just right. And you know what? When I finally hit send, it wasn't even that amazing of an email. It was totally fine. B plus, at best. But if perfectionism hadn't been whispering in my ear, I probably could have written that same email in like 15 minutes and you know, had time to make a snack or something. So how many of your dreams are sitting in silence? Not because you don't want them, but because you're afraid you can't do them perfectly. And you know what? This really breaks my heart, but this is also what fuels the show because if you've let a dream gather dust due to perfectionism, you are not alone. And the truth is, you do not need to be perfect to begin. You just need to begin even imperfectly as. Especially imperfectly. You don't need to show up with confidence in all the answers. Mm-hmm. You need to show up with courage. And courage means doing the thing, even though you're scared. Confidence comes after you take that first step. But those small acts of bravery, sending the email or applying for that job, researching voice coaches pressing publish, that's where momentum lives. So you don't need to be perfect to move forward. You just need to do it scared and show up with courage. Okay, so let's land this with something hopeful and, and I just love having this realization that every extraordinary thing starts ordinary. Think about that, that dream, it begins with a shaky step, a rough draft, or a first attempt that makes you cringe a little or a lot. And the word extraordinary, it literally contains the word ordinary. And yet we resist being ordinary. We resist starting small, but without ordinary beginnings, we never make space for the extraordinary outcomes. We can't skip that part. If you're feeling rusty or unsure, or just outta practice, good, good. That is a good thing. You are in the exact place where magic begins. That's where grit forms and that's where dreams get their roots. Whether you're moving to a new city or putting your art out there, or simply trying something new, let it be awkward. Let it be imperfect. Let it be an 85 because honestly, most of the magic happens between like 70 and 90%. The rest, it's really just ego. If perfectionism is something that you're struggling with, please know that I am right there with you. I still wrestle with it. In fact, I'm resisting the urge right now to go back and rerecord this episode because my voice cracked once and I stumbled over a word. But I'm not gonna do that because part of the message is letting go. So let this be your permission slip to show up messy, to take up space to try and to keep trying. And if you know someone who's caught in the perfectionism spiral, do them a favor and share this episode with them, because getting a handle on perfectionism is about so much more than getting stuff done. It's about taking back our self worth and taking care of our mental health and our overall wellbeing.

Carlene 16:24

Alright, my sweet friend Thank you so much for being here with me today. And remember your dreams. They are waiting for you and your time. It's now and I'll be back next week. Ready to welcome you to our next conversation. Oh, and one more thing. This is the legal language. You know, the stuff that the lawyers put together, and they say that I need to read this to you. So here we go. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I'm not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals. Got it? Good. I will see you in the next episode.