#70: The Empty Nest Shift That Makes You Ask: Who Am I Now?

The empty nest isn’t just about your kids leaving home.
It’s about who you are when the house gets quiet.

In this episode, I’m sharing what it really feels like to move from being everything to your kids to parenting adult children — and why this season can leave you asking, Who am I now?

We’re talking about the grief no one prepares you for, the pride that lives right alongside it, and the push-and-pull of loving your grown kids without holding them too tightly.

If you’ve organized your life around motherhood and now find yourself in a quieter house wondering what’s next — not just for them, but for you — this conversation is for you.

Because the empty nest isn’t the end of your purpose. It’s the beginning of a new chapter.

3 KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE

• Both grief and excitement can live in the same heart — and neither cancels the other out.
• It’s safe to build a life that includes your grown kids and your own dreams.
• The empty nest isn’t a loss of identity — it’s the door cracking open to discover what’s next for you.

This season may feel tender. But it’s also preparing you for something new.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

You're never too busy, too tired, too old, or too anything to pursue your dreams. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer podcast, where you'll learn how to move all those never-ending distractions aside and chase your dreams of confidence.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

Hello, hello, my friend. Welcome back to the Distracted Dreamer. I'm your host, Carleen. In today's episode, it has been on my mind to share with you for a long time. And this is something that is so universal, but moms don't really talk about it. And it's something that I'm still living out, and it feels very deeply personal. So I'm going to do my best to keep it together today because we're talking about what it really looks like and what it really feels like to shift from being everything to your kids to being what they need as adults. And let me tell you, in the middle of the shift, it really challenges you in finding your way back to yourself. So let's dive in. Because there's this moment in motherhood that no one prepares you for. I mean, there's a lot of things in motherhood that no one prepares you for, but I feel like this is a big one. It's not graduation day, it's not the dorm drop-off. It's not even the long hug in the parking lot. It's when you walk back into your house and it doesn't feel the same. So when my oldest daughter left for college, I thought I was prepared. I really did. We had talked about it. We had planned. We packed the bins. We drove the two and a half hours to her dorm. We set up her room. We hugged, we cried, and we did the brave thing, and we left. And, you know, I raised her to be independent, to be strong and capable, and to make the best decisions that she could, and to also ask for help when she needed it, and mostly to trust herself. That was the goal. And you know what? She arrived. But when her two younger sisters and I drove back home that night, we were lost. The house almost felt unfamiliar. And I walked into the kitchen and instinctively I looked for her backpack, for her water bottle, like thinking that, oh, well, she's just upstairs. And I couldn't even go into her bedroom. I physically could not walk in there. It was like my body refused to accept that this was our new reality. So I called a very good friend of mine because I couldn't stay. I couldn't stay in the house. I had to get out. And thank goodness she's such a great friend. And we met up for appetizers and drinks, and she listened to me cry and all the things. And it was just what I needed. And my other daughters, they scattered to their friends' houses. And it was really wild, the grief that we were all feeling. And I remember thinking, my gosh, she's at college. Like, get a grip. She didn't leave this world. But you know what? She did leave our world. And that was the beginning. That was the beginning of hundreds of hellos and teary goodbyes with all three of my girls over the years following this. And no one really talks about how shocking that feels. So for years, you know, you're not just a woman who has kids. You are the ride, you're the snack provider, you're the emotional first responder, you're the uniform washer, you are the steady place. And your schedule revolves around practices and school pickups and bus stops. And you know what? Your kitchen counter is scattered with backpacks and half full water bottles and permission slips that you forgot to sign. Your house has a rhythm. There's noise, there's urgency, there's purpose, there's energy. And then one day it goes quiet. And the counter is spotless. That spotless counter you always wanted, there it is. I would look at it and just cry. It was so not what I wanted. And you know what? The hallway, it would echo. All their stuff is gone. And their bedroom door, it's slightly open, and you step inside, and everything is like it's frozen in time. Like the comforter is folded just the way they left it. There's still clothes hanging in the closet that they left behind. There's that trophy on the shelf. And you stand there thinking, Who am I now? Who am I when no one needs me at three o'clock in the morning? Who am I when dinner can be anything because no one's schedule dictates it? Who am I when no one bursts through the door with drama after school? And who am I? That's not a small question. That is a nudge that you're looking for an identity shift. And here's what I wish someone had told me. You can be grieving your kids' childhood and be excited for their future at the exact same time. Both can be true. But you know what? I didn't see that modeled. I felt like moms were in one of two camps. The I can't wait for them to leave camp, or the this is destroying me camp. And I was teetering back and forth between grief and excitement. I was so proud and I was so heartbroken. And then this moment came that really caught me off guard. My oldest daughter, she called during the first semester of her sophomore year, I think it was. And she told me she had changed her major. She just told me. She didn't call to process it. She didn't ask what I thought. She called to tell me she had already made the decision. A decision I didn't even know was on the table. And there it was again, that emotional teeter-totter. I was so incredibly proud of her. Not just because it was a good decision, but because it was hers. She trusted herself to make it. But at the same time, I felt a little obsolete. And I immediately told myself, this isn't about you. Okay, why why why do we do that? I mean, yes, it's about her, but it is also about me. It's about every mom navigating that shift of feeling proud, of grieving, of being excited, of feeling unneeded all at once. And I just want to say this: you do not stop being a mom. You just do it differently now. This phase of parenting is an exercise and push and pull. You push for their independence, you pull when things get slippery, you push them to figure it out, you pull them in when they need grounding. And sometimes they still need you the old way, and sometimes they don't. And that unpredictability, it requires more courage than all the sleepless nights ever did. Because now you're meeting your kids adult to adult. You're not the manager of their life. What you are is the steady presence. And when you've organized not just your physical home around your kids, but your energy, your emotions, and your priorities, how do you reorganize your life to include your adult children and yourself when you're not even sure who that self is anymore? For me, the next chapter came in a way that I didn't expect. So we had talked about moving to Tennessee for years. Sometimes it excited me. Sometimes it really scared me because I don't love change. But with my youngest graduating college soon, I knew it was time. In those last two years before we moved, they were really heavy and difficult for me. Every morning I'd pull out of my driveway and I'd see young moms at the bus stop with their kids. My bus stop, my bus stop. They'd linger there and chat after the bus left. That's what I used to do. That used to be me. In the summer, I'd see kids riding their bikes up to the pool for swim team. I could spot those Cobra swimsuits anywhere. Those used to be my little girls. Everywhere I looked, there were reminders of the life I used to have. Even if my girls had all been living at home as adults, it still wouldn't have been the same. My little girls weren't little girls anymore. They were all grown up. And that brought joy in ways I never could have imagined. But at the time, I felt stuck in a place that belonged to a version of me that no longer existed. I was no longer that mom. I was a different mom. And logically, I knew I hadn't been left, but emotionally, it felt like I had been. And it was time to leave. It was time to build something new, to create a home where our girls would come for dinner, come swimming over the weekend to visit and to laugh and to have game nights, and then for them to go back to their own homes. And we moved. And now we're building memories as adults. And it's beautiful. It's different and beautiful. And there's one more thing that I want to share. When we moved to Tennessee, my oldest daughter didn't come with us. She stayed in Illinois. That was one of the hardest things about moving here was having her stay in Illinois. And she is doing work that she loves as an elementary school social worker. And I am so proud of the woman that she's become and the work that she does in this world. And I'm so proud of her for following her dream. And yes, that was another letting go. It was another layer of the move. But here's the beautiful part is she gets winter break. She gets spring break. She gets a long summer break. And God love her. She makes the trip down here every single time. And when she walks through the door, it feels familiar. The rhythm. The hello, the laughter, and then the goodbye. And as much as those goodbyes still sting a little, honestly, sometimes a lot, I've started to realize something. This rhythm, the coming and going, it's the same rhythm we lived during the college years. And maybe those years weren't just preparing them. Maybe they were preparing us. Preparing us for a life where love doesn't mean proximity, where connection doesn't require everyone to be under one roof, where hellos and teary goodbyes are part of loving people deeply. And how lucky are we to love each other like that? I truly believe those years of transition prepared me and my husband and my girls for the season we're in now. We learned how to let go without disconnecting. We learned how to trust and how to expand our lives. So I just want to ask you something really gently here. What do you need to reorganize? Is it your house? Is it your routines? Is it your identity? And more importantly, how do you want to show up for your kids in this season? And the hardest question of all how do you want to finally start showing up for yourself? Because I'm telling you, this is the door opening to the next chapter of you. You have to remember, you didn't raise your kids to stay small, and you weren't meant to stay small either. Motherhood isn't over. You grew with it as it evolved. In the house, it may be quieter, but your life is not finished. It is starting in a whole new way. I promise you that. So if you're standing in a quiet kitchen right now, if you're staring at the clean counter that makes you cry, and if you're teetering between feeling pride and grief, you are not alone. The rhythm does get gentler, but the goodbyes, they don't disappear. They become more familiar. And in between them, there's still laughter, there's still pride, there's still connection, and there's still so much love. And maybe that's what this chapter becomes. It's not about constant presence. And maybe, just maybe, you're becoming someone new right alongside your kids, your grown kids. And if this episode resonated with you, if you know a mom who is in this transition of empty nesting, send this to her. Text it to her, share it with her. She will thank you. Because we don't talk about this enough. And maybe it's time we do. So let's start the conversation. Let's support each other in the season. Because none of us were meant to navigate this shift alone. And I have a feeling there are a lot of women standing in quiet kitchens right now, wondering if it's just them. It's not. Let just one mom know that you see her. Thank you for taking this time for you today. And I can't wait to welcome you back to next week for another episode. Bye for now.

SPEAKER_00 14:17

Oh, and one more thing. This is the legal language. You know, the stuff that the lawyers put together, and they say that I need to read this to you. So here we go. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I'm not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals. Got it? Good. I will see you in the next episode.