#79: Parenting Adult Children: How to Navigate Letting Go, Staying Connected, and Finding Yourself Again

Nobody warned us that one of the hardest parts of motherhood would come after the kids leave home.

We were handed books about teenagers. We had pediatrician conversations about every developmental stage imaginable. But parenting adult children? Crickets. So we carry it — quietly, alone, with nowhere to put any of it.

In this episode, I'm going there. Because what you're carrying is real, and it's time we talked about it.

I'm sharing eight things that can actually help you navigate this transition — from letting go without losing the relationship, to staying connected in a way that works for both of you, to something I believe is the most important role you can play in your adult kids' lives right now.

And I'm getting personal. Because I get to witness one of my daughters become a mom for the first time — and it has taught me everything about what it means to show up in this season the right way.

This episode is for the mom who loves her kids fiercely and is figuring out what that looks like now. 💛

3 Key Takeaways From This Episode

1️⃣ Letting go isn't a loss — it's the most loving thing you can do for them and for yourself.

2️⃣ Your role hasn't ended. It's evolved. And how you show up in it now matters more than ever.

 3️⃣ While you're witnessing your kids become who they're becoming — this is also your season of becoming

What you're carrying is real. And you don't have to carry it alone.

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Transcript

Speaker 3 0:01

You're never too busy, too tired, too old, or too anything to pursue your dreams. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer Podcast, where you'll learn how to move all those never ending distractions aside and chase your dreams with confidence.

0:22

Hey, it's your friend and host, Carlene. Welcome to the Distracted Dreamer podcast. I have a confession to make. I've been scrolling on Instagram more than usual, and I blame the fact that I'm trying to post more on it so I can also meet you there. And with all that scrolling, I've been noticing something on Instagram lately. It's something that hasn't really been talked about, but I'm so glad that we're finally talking about it. It's about the transition from being a mom to kids to being a mom to our adult kids. And I get it, we don't talk about it because we wanna be respectful. Like, we wanna protect our kids' privacy, and we should, but it's really hard to have an honest conversation when you're editing everything down. So this is my attempt to acknowledge how complicated this actually is, to admit that, as mothers, we didn't see this coming, that no one prepared us, and honestly, no one prepared our moms either, Or our grandmothers. The fact is, this has been quietly carried from one generation to the next, and nobody has said a word. And admitting that is where we start, right here. And I'm gonna go first, because I have a bone to pick. Seriously. I mean, why didn't anybody prepare us for what it means to have adult children? They warned us about the terrible twos, they handed us books about teenagers, there were entire pediatrician conversations dedicated to all the developmental stages, but adult children, crickets. So we just carry it. And here's the truth of it. That dream of having a family, you've lived it. You've raised it, you've carried it, you've nurtured it, you've loved it, and it's not like that dream goes away. The dream, it now shifts to something else, and it's like we haven't named what that something else is. And here's what changes the moment they leave home. When your kids are under your roof, you have a role. You guide them, you step in, you navigate right alongside them. You have a voice in it, and you're supposed to. That's the job. And then they become adults, very suddenly, and You are still just as emotionally attached. You care just as much. You can see further down the road than they can, but you don't have the same voice anymore. What you've got is you've got a head full of thoughts, a lifetime of advice, and opinions that are going absolutely nowhere. So if you're new to this whole adult-child-parent thing, you might still think you have a voice in their decisions, and I say this with all the love in the world, that's a rookie mistake. What you get to do now is watch, worry, hope, pray a lot. That's the parent code, and nobody told us that either. And here's the part that doesn't get said out loud. When life is good for your adult kids, it's your greatest joy. Like nothing compares. You raised your favorite people in the entire world, and watching them thrive, that's everything. And when life is hard for them, you feel all of it deeply, like it's happening to you, because in a lot of ways, it is. We become keepers for the people that we love most, and we're carrying things that have nowhere to go. Their story isn't ours to tell, so we hold it quietly, and that's a lot of weight, and I want you to know that what you're carrying is real. And here's the other thing I want you to know. You're not in this alone. Not even close. Because this, what we're doing right now, there's a spectrum, and wherever you are on it right now is exactly where you're supposed to be. Some of you are in a really beautiful season with your adult kids. Some of you are in something genuinely hard, and you can't talk about it. And most of us are somewhere in the messy middle of both of those at the same time. And like I said, I keep seeing more conversations about this on Instagram, which honestly feels like progress. But then I read the comments, and there are two kinds. The first is, "Thank you for giving me the words for exactly what this feels like," and, "I feel so seen." And then there's the second, and it's from the women who say they've somehow slid seamlessly and joyfully into the season of motherhood. And honestly, good for them. But it also makes me wonder, what are they doing differently? I think some of it comes down to the relationship we built when our kids were growing up. Were we approachable? Were we listening more than we were talking? Did we respect our kids when they were kids? What a lot of people don't understand is respect is a two-way street, and it starts early. Respecting that your baby is a baby and is going through all of these changes, you gotta respect that. Respecting that your 12-year-old doesn't want to play soccer anymore, even after you've already signed them up, and look, I'm asking these questions right alongside you, because I've had to do some honest reflecting of my own. And I, I have to tell you, I used to joke, like half-kidding, but entirely serious, that I was definitely screwing up my kids in some significant way. I just didn't know how yet. And they wouldn't know until they were adults looking back going, "What the heck was that?" And I always reminded myself, I mean, constantly reminded myself, that I was growing up as a parent right along my girls growing up. So here we are now, all these years later. They're grown, and I'm... I don't know. What exactly? What am I? Well, I'm still a mom. Okay, legally, I fulfilled my obligation, but being a mom was never an obligation. It wasn't a box on a checklist. But I can't be the mom I was 20 years ago or 10 years ago, because my girls, they're not the same people. They need me differently now, and I have to figure out what that looks like, just like they do. So if you're sitting with that right now, you know, that discomfort of figuring out who you are in this new role, you're still mom, but it's new. I want you to know I hear you and I see you. But I also think that there are some things that can actually help, Because what I also saw in the comments of these posts on Instagram was people were asking, "This is great, but what do I actually do about it?" And that's not a small question, and it deserves a real answer. So here are eight things that I've been thinking about. I know, eight, they always tell you you should have an odd number, but this is just what came up for me when I was thinking about this episode. So there's eight things that can shift how you show up in this season with your adult kids, the first one is to get clear- On the kind of relationship that you want with your adult kids. And then actually talk to your adult kids about it. What do they want this to look like? Because the relationship shifts. It's gonna shift whether you have the conversation or not. It's whether you're gonna move forward with intention and in alignment with each other or not. So remember, the relationship doesn't end, but it's changing, and it has to be built differently, and that requires a conversation. So number one is get clear on the kind of relationship that you want, and have the conversation. Number two, trust yourself that you raised capable humans. No, they're not perfect humans, but you raised capable humans. And when we step in constantly, we're sending them a message, and that message is, "I don't trust you to figure this out." Even when we really do, but we just can't help ourselves, and we just have to insert ourselves as part of the solution. So number two is trust that you raised capable humans. Number three, pause and ask before you share. This one changed things for me. It sounds like, "Can I share something? I hear what you're saying, and it made me think of something." Most of the time they'll say yes. But don't take advantage of it. Bring it back to them. It's their story, not yours. Number four, ask what they need, not what you think they need. Don't assume you know. Ask, "Do you need me to listen right now, or are you looking for advice?" Because sometimes they just need a safe place to say something out loud, and you can be that person without fixing anything. You can. It takes a lot of restraint, but you can do it. Number five is to let go of saving them from the mistakes you made. I know, this one hurts, but they need to make their own mistakes so that they can find their own answers. When we take that away from them, we keep them stuck. Okay, number six is put that energy back into yourself, and this is what I'm talking about. For years, you carried the emotional load. You were fixing and listening and showing up for everyone else, and now it feels like there's nowhere to put all of it. But there is somewhere. Put it back into you, not to fix yourself, but just to finally take care of yourself. Prioritize yourself. Do the things that light you up. Relax a little. This season is yours. Yeah, it's their season of becoming adults, but this is your season of becoming you do the things that light you up. Do things that bring you joy, because this season isn't just about them being adults. This shift, this season, it's about you, too. Okay, and number seven is when the worry comes, because it will, usually for me it's about 3:00 AM, I want you to ask yourself, "Is this mine to carry?" Because worry, it doesn't fix anything. Worry solves no problem in the world. No problem can be solved with worry. So when you catch yourself going there, do something instead. Say a prayer. Hand it to whatever higher power you believe in. Give it somewhere to go that isn't just more weight on you. And number eight, this is one that I wanna spend a little more time on, because this is the most important thing that you can do in this transition, is to witness, don't judge. Because it is an honor and a privilege to still be a part of our adult kids' lives. And I'm gonna get personal here for a second. I get to witness one of my daughters become a mom for the first time over this past year, and she is living her dream. Even as a little girl, she would chatter away about how much she wanted to be a mom. It was never a passing phase. It was just who she was going to be. And watching her do it, I don't even have the right words. Like, "She's a great mom," that feels so trite for what I actually see, because I'm in complete awe of her. And from the very beginning, I made a decision. I ask how she wants things done. How does she want the feedings done? The nap times, the play times. I don't assume anything, I ask. Because here's the truth, everything is different from when I did this, and I mean everything. And these new baby products, honestly, I'm a little envious. The popsicle pacifiers, genius. The sleep sacks, the baby monitors where you can actually see your baby and watch them breathe, and the strollers. The strollers that weigh nothing and they snap open with two quick clicks. I mean, I remember all the years I was wrestling with this huge contraption and double strollers, and all the stuff that required like an engineering degree to open it and close it. And I just know that I have so much to learn from my daughter, and acknowledging that out loud to her, that's one of the most respectful things that I can do. Because I used to be the one with all the answers. I was the expert. And somewhere in this season, the roles have quietly shifted and she became the expert on her own life, her baby, her own way of doing things. And you know what? I have her garage code. I can just let myself in and witness her life as it's happening, and I don't take that for granted, not for a single second. And there are moments where I think, "Hmm, I might have done that differently." Of course, right? I'm still me. But then I pause and I remind myself, "She is capable. She is strong. And if something goes sideways, she will figure it out." Because isn't that exactly what we had to do? And that's the role I play now. Not the expert, not the one with all the answers. I'm a witness to her life, to who she's becoming. And I have to tell you, it is one of the greatest privileges of my life. Now, I wanna wrap this up by saying I think we can all agree that nobody prepared us for this part of motherhood, this part where you love someone so completely and have almost no say in how the rest of their story goes. But here's the thing, being seen is validating, and you needed to hear that, and you needed to hear that what you're carrying is real, but having the tools to actually navigate this, that's everything. So let me leave you with a quick reminder of the eight things that we talked about today that can help you navigate this transition from mothering your young kids to your now adult grown kids. So these are just ideas. You don't have to do all eight of them, but See where there's an opportunity for you to experiment and try some of these out. The first thing that you can do, and I highly recommend that you definitely do this one is to decide what kind of relationship you want, and have that conversation with your kids. The second thing you can do is trust that you raised capable humans, 'cause you did. They're not gonna be perfect, but they are capable. The third thing you can do is pause and ask before you share your thoughts or opinions or stories. And number four, ask them what they need before you assume. Do they need you to listen or do they need advice? Ask the question. Number five, let go of saving them from their own mistakes. They'll figure it out. And number six is all the stuff that you're carrying that you have no place to put it and you, you need to get that out of you, put that energy back into yourself. Take care of yourself. Prioritize yourself. Do things that bring you joy. And number seven, when the worry shows up, ask yourself if it's yours to carry, and then hand it over to a higher power. And finally, number eight, which I think is the biggest one of all, is to be a witness to their lives, to who they're becoming. It is one of the greatest privileges of the season. And here's what I keep coming back to. While I'm witnessing my daughters become who they're becoming, they're witnessing me too. Because here's the thing nobody talks about on the other side of this, is we both grew up. I grew up and my girls grew up. I grew up right alongside them. And just like they're stepping into new versions of themselves, whether it's becoming a young adult woman or a mom or a partner, just figuring out their own lives, guess what? I get to do the same thing. This is my next becoming. And this is also your next becoming. And maybe that's the gift hiding inside this impossible, beautiful, nobody warned me about this season of motherhood, is that we spent so many years focused on who they were becoming, and now finally, we get to turn that same curiosity toward ourselves. So what's next for you? What does your becoming look like? What do you want? What lights you up? And remember, it's not selfish to think about it. It's necessary. That's the whole point of this season. You have raised your people. You are continuing to be a witness to their becoming, and now it's your turn because this is your season too. And if this one landed for you today, please send me a text, the link is right there in the show notes, and tell me where you are in this. I read every one, and I will respond right back to you. And please, I want to keep this conversation going, So share this episode with any mom that you know in your life who might need to hear this. And then after you have listened to it, have a conversation. Let this be a launching point to have an honest conversation about what this feels like and what you wanna practice and what you wanna have for your relationship with your adult kids going forward And talk about what's next for you. Let's start the conversation, and I will see you next week. Bye for now.

Carlene 20:27

Oh, and one more thing. This is the legal language. You know, the stuff that the lawyers put together, and they say that I need to read this to you. So here we go. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I'm not a licensed therapist. This podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professionals. Got it? Good. I will see you in the next episode.