Episode 24 - 6 Listening Practices That Make People Feel Heard (Home + Work)

Ever “listened” so well you deserved a trophy… and still got in trouble?
Let’s fix that with 6 simple listening practices that work at home and at work.

Most of us confuse hearing with listening. Hearing is audio. Listening is connection. And when listening breaks down, relationships get tense, distance grows, and at work you get the same messy conversations on repeat—plus rework, resentment, and escalation.

In this episode of Just Human, Jay Boykin shares practical, repeatable listening skills you can use immediately—no therapy speak, no fluff. You’ll learn how to make people feel accurately understood, reduce conflict, and create clarity that actually moves things forward.

Timestamps / Key Takeaways

• 0:01 Why “hearing” isn’t listening
• 7:20 The office bridge: how bad listening creates rework
• 9:05 #1 Comfort vs solutions (what do they need?)
• 12:12 #2 Mirror the last 3–5 words
• 15:50 #3 Name the emotion (validation ≠ agreement)
• 17:31 #4 “What did I miss?” summary
• 19:44 #5 Ask one deepening question
• 21:02 #6 Close the loop with action
• 26:09 Bonus: the phone-down pro tip

If this helped, subscribe, hit like, and comment: Which one practice are you running for 7 days?

#listening #activelistening #communicationskills #relationships #marriageadvice #conflictresolution #leadership #workplacecommunication #emotionalintelligence #personalgrowth #psychologicalsafety #productivity #betterrelationships #selfimprovement #justhuman

Transcript

Jay Boykin (00:01.678)
I am going to talk to you about something today that many of us struggle with. I know that I struggle with it. It's listening. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and you feel like you're listening? You feel like you're listening so well that there should be a trophy coming your way, but somehow you still find yourself in trouble.

You know, you're there, you're nodding, you're making all the right noises like, mm-hmm, and yeah, totally. But then they hit you with, are you even listening to me? And you're thinking to yourself, well, yeah, I'm listening, but I'm also trying to fix this for you. Or I'm working on my closing argument.

Here's the thing, most of us get this part wrong. We confuse hearing with listening. Hearing is the audio part. That is the sound going in our ears and our brains are registering the fact that we heard a noise. Listening is where the connection takes place.

That is the part where many of us, we get it wrong. And when listening breaks down, especially at home, it doesn't just create misunderstandings, it'll create distance. And sometimes somebody's gonna find themselves sleeping in the guest room or on the couch. People don't just want your attention, they wanna feel like what they are saying

actually landed with you. So today I'm going to give you six listening practices that make the people that you love really feel heard. They are practical and repeatable and this isn't therapy speak. And then I'm going to show you that the same practices they can really serve you well in the office as well.

Jay Boykin (02:27.328)
it can reduce some of that drama that we get at work. So let's get into it.

Jay Boykin (02:50.37)
Well, welcome to Just Human. This is a space where we have honest conversations about what it really takes to lead and live in today's world. We explore the intersection of business and leadership and personal growth. And we talk about the practical stuff and the human stuff because success isn't about what you build. It's who you become while you're building it.

I'm Jay Boykin, I'm your host. I'm excited about today's conversation, but I do have to say that I should probably after this drops, after this episode drops, I should probably just put it on repeat and listen to it. I am speaking to you today, not as an expert. I'm speaking to you today as someone who gets this wrong.

more often than I'd like to admit. So this will be sort of a physician heal thyself episode. So we're gonna work through these things together. Now you know the moment, the moment when somebody that you care about, they start talking and you are present, but your brain is already, you know,

thinking about your response, you are thinking about what's going on in your inbox, you are being distracted by other things. And I call it being physically there, but mentally you are on a TED Talk stage, you are preparing your presentation for when this person stops talking. And...

The issue can be seemingly small. It could be, in your mind, whatever this person is talking about. It could be their day, their something money related. It could be whatever. In your mind, it could seem really small. And your brain is already coming up with solutions.

Jay Boykin (05:15.005)
and I'm gonna fix this for you. Well, you're not listening. And that person's probably gonna know that you're not listening and they might even tell you that you're not listening. And your internal reaction could be, well, yes, I'm listening, I just don't agree with you. And I've got all the proof of the things that are gonna show you why you're doing this wrong. Yeah, that is not the way that we want to go.

Most arguments or fights, they're not about the thing. They're about not feeling understood while that thing is going on. And the wildest part is that this doesn't just stay at home. This will follow us to work as well. So let me connect it to the office. In our relationships at home, poor listening, it creates distance.

it can create that type of friction. At work, it creates a real drag because when people don't feel heard at the office, they don't usually say, well, I don't feel understood. They'll just say, fine, or sure. And then they go off and they do it their way or they do the bare minimum. They may also stop bringing you problems until it is a five alarm dumpster fire.

And then that's where the rework comes in. That's where resentment comes from. And that's where escalation comes from. If you've ever thought, why do I keep having the same conversation with this person? Or why does everything have to get so dramatic before we address it? A lot of the time, the answer is simple. Someone wasn't listening.

And many times that someone is you.

Jay Boykin (07:19.797)
or the listening just wasn't accurate enough, it wasn't complete enough for that trust to form.

So these six practices that I'm gonna lay out will help to fix that, whether you are at home or at work, because they're gonna make people feel safe. They're gonna make people feel seen and clear on what happens next. And they are so simple that it's almost ridiculous. Now, I wanna start with this. Listening isn't...

just being quiet. Listening is making sure that the other person feels accurately understood. And these are behaviors, these are things that you can learn. They're not personality traits. If you are someone who is saying, I'm not a good listener, sorry, you're making an excuse. These are things that we, with the right practice,

we can get better at. Trust me, these are things that we can get better at. And I do want to tell you this, you don't need all six. If you try to do all six, you are likely gonna sound like a customer service chat bot that we've all experienced. So don't try to do all six, pick one, maybe two.

and practice it for a week or so and see how things go.

Jay Boykin (09:05.513)
So number one is to really lay the foundation of what the other person needs. Are they looking for you to listen or are they looking for your help? Do they need comfort or do they need solutions? Some of us hear a problem and we go straight to...

This is an emergency and I gotta fix it. I know how to fix it and I know how to fix it right now. But comfort and solutions are different conversations. And often people aren't looking for us to fix it. They know what the fix is. They are just looking for a place where they can vent. They are looking for a place where they can have a conversation.

If you, at the beginning of the conversation, clarify, do you want me to listen or are you wanting me to help you come up with solutions? Do you need help troubleshooting?

By understanding this upfront, you are going to really diffuse a lot of challenges. And this men, if we're being honest, I make this mistake way too often where I think that there is something here that needs to be fixed. This is not a light bulb that needs to be changed. This is not.

some other problem that needs me to fix it. Sometimes I just need to sit there and truly listen, give empathy.

Jay Boykin (10:55.681)
This works because you are signaling to the other person that I am here for you, I am here with you, I am not trying to manage you. It also doesn't tell the other person that you immediately think that they're wrong because you feel the need to fix them.

The office version of this could be, are you looking for a decision? Are you looking for feedback? Or are you just looking for some space to think out loud?

So if your spouse, your loved one, if they come in and say, I had a brutal day, you can respond with, what can I do for you? You want me to listen or is there something that I can help you with? Is there something that I can help you fix right now?

Once you know the type of conversation that this is going to be, then your next move becomes a lot easier.

You can focus more if you know that they're not looking for your help on fixing something.

Jay Boykin (12:12.405)
Moving into practice number two, I like to think about in the listening, when we're trying to listen, repeating back the last three to five words that the person said. You see, when someone is talking, especially if we think that we're in fix-it mode, we're trying to rush them through it.

we interrupt them, we cut them off, and we may skip over the important part. But if we repeat back their last few words, especially if we frame it as a question, and then we stop talking, that can be truly beneficial. So doing something like, so you're doing this alone?

You don't feel respected? this is always on you. This works because it slows things down a bit and it shows that you are taking in what they are saying. And if there is something that you've missed,

it'll give them the opportunity to add more information there for you. Another thing that I like to do is the, well, tell me more about that. Tell me more.

Now the office version of this can be, you so you feel like this deadline is impossible, right?

Jay Boykin (13:58.452)
Another important tip here.

is don't be afraid of the silence.

If they stop talking, you do not need to immediately fill in the space with your words because that's when we often go straight to fixing. I know that the silence can sometimes be awkward, but you know what's more awkward is when you're wrong, when you start filling in the gaps with a fix when that's not what they were looking for.

Jay Boykin (14:38.295)
So we've mirrored back what we heard them say. Now let's start to understand what is underneath those words. But before we go any further, we are talking about listening and nothing is more frustrating than when you are trying to buy a car, you're sitting in a dealership.

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The next practice that we're going to get into is naming the emotion.

Jay Boykin (15:50.444)
We will sometimes treat emotions like they are a glitch in the system. we'll go straight to, well, actually.

When individuals are feeling a certain way, they do not want us to cancel out what they're feeling or tell them that what they are feeling is wrong. That's not our place. Those are their feelings. We can say things like, sounds frustrating. I can imagine that felt disappointing.

That's a lot to carry.

Validation isn't agreement, it's acknowledgement. And here's the thing, people aren't looking for our agreement.

We don't have to agree with their feelings, but the human side of this is acknowledging the fact that you understand why that person can feel that way. I understand it. It doesn't mean that I would have felt the same way in the same instance.

Jay Boykin (17:11.745)
but acknowledge that the other person is feeling the way that they are feeling.

In the office, it can be something as simple as, wow, I can only imagine how frustrating that is, especially after you've already tried twice.

Jay Boykin (17:31.606)
Now once the emotion starts to settle, then people usually will take a nice deep breath. When people truly feel like they've been heard, they'll start to think again. And that's where the solutions and the fixes will start to take place. Not by you, we don't have to fix it, but...

Once someone has had the opportunity to be heard, take that deep breath, settle those emotions down, then the logic usually begins to kick in again. Practice number four is the what did I miss? You summarized the facts. You summarized what emotion

they are feeling, you can ask the question, what did I miss? We're making sure that there's nothing else there, something that perhaps we glossed over, something that could be bigger than what we thought it was. So asking the question, is there anything that I missed there? Or where did I get that wrong?

and listening again. And this works because we want to make sure that we are taking in everything accurately. And that accuracy, truly creates a safe environment.

Jay Boykin (19:14.217)
It can be at the office, it can be something as simple as, so this isn't about the report, it's the changing priorities and you're worried about how that reflects on you, what did I miss? That question there keeps that door open to where if there are some deeper feelings, if there are some deeper emotions, they can come out there.

Jay Boykin (19:44.024)
We're getting closer, but there's one more move that really separates the good listeners from those of us that need a lot more work. And I call this the deepening question. One deep question. When someone is venting, when someone is telling you how they feel,

and then you give them a bunch of rapid fire questions. Well, why did you do that? What'd they do? What happened next? Those rapid fire questions can feel like they're on cross-examination. Nobody wants to feel like they're on the witness stand and that they're being deposed in their own kitchen. So you can ask one deepening question.

It can be something as simple as, you know, what are you afraid will happen if nothing changes?

what part of this matters most to you, and then be quiet.

Listen.

Jay Boykin (21:01.985)
When that listening happens and we give the space for that follow through and we make sure that we understand what it is that they may be afraid of, that one opportunity to take it to a deeper level, that almost feels like a magic trick. Those feelings are gonna be so validated.

and that person is going to truly feel heard. So ask that deepening question, just one, and then shut up again and keep listening.

And practice number six is closing the loop with what's the action that's going to come out of that.

People feel heard until nothing changes. Then it feels like you were just collecting information.

When you're at home, can be, you can say something along the lines of, here's what I'm gonna do differently this week. Here's one thing that I'm gonna take off your plate.

Jay Boykin (22:22.293)
The one that I really like is, here's what I heard you ask for, did I get that right? Because not only is it saying, I'm here to support what you said, it's giving the space to make sure that you got it right.

Jay Boykin (22:42.295)
This creates clarity and whether we are talking about home or the workplace, clarity is kindness. When people feel like you are 100 % clear on what they said, that feels amazing.

Now we're gonna start to wrap this up and I just wanna say this, this last segment was brought to you by the Aligned Impact Financial Leadership Program. In this program, we are helping small business leaders scale with confidence. If your business is leaving profit on the table, if you're guessing about your margins, you're losing money.

true financial leadership. It's not about spreadsheets, it's about clarity. And I created the Aligned Impact Program to give you that clarity. We ensure that you truly know your numbers so that you can stop stressing and start making profitable decisions. So if you're ready to lead with clarity, find out more and enroll today at jboykin.com and we're gonna get you growing.

Jay Boykin (24:05.163)
I want to recap what we've been talking about as it relates to listening. And these are six practical things that you can try. Again, don't try to do all six. Pick one. Something is gonna resonate with you a little bit more, but pick one. Ask what they need, comfort or solutions.

Mirror a few words back. Name the emotion.

Summarize the meaning and ask, what did I miss? Ask one deep question and then close the loop with action. And I'll tell you, it'll be amazing and I can't wait to read comments later when you have the opportunity to put this into practice. But we as human beings,

It is amazing how much we will relax when we feel like we have been understood, when we feel like we have been truly heard. And yes, this does mean fewer arguments at home, and it's likely going to be fewer per my last email moments at work. So try these. I'm telling you that listening is one of the most

loving things that you can do because it tells someone that you matter enough for me to slow down. And again, this works whether we are at home or at the office. It tells people, look, you're safe and you can bring me the truth. I'm gonna give you one additional bonus tip.

Jay Boykin (26:09.661)
Most of us are walking around with a device in our hands all the time. Take your phone, put it on do not disturb, put it on silent and put it face down. There is nothing more insulting than having someone be in the middle of telling you how they feel and you pick up your phone.

and look at a text message that you just received or an email that you just received. So you can be away from your phone for the time that it takes to have a conversation with this individual. If there's a TV on, turn it off. At the very least, it. And by the way, if you're at the office, don't look at your emails.

The person can tell, they can see your eyes. They can tell that you're looking at your computer monitor and that you're not paying attention to them. So a real pro tip would be to move from the other side of your desk and go sit next to them, across from them in two chairs. Go for a walk together, but leave your devices alone so that that person

really feels like they've got your undivided attention. So as I've said, pick one of these practices and just run with it for a week and see what happens. If you want, in my opinion, the easiest one and the most foundational one, start with what is it that you're looking for? Is it comfort or is it solutions?

And if this helped you, share it with someone who you think wants a better relationship, whether we're talking about at home or at work. And I really appreciate the fact that you took time out of your day to listen to this episode of Just Human. We are, again, we're putting together these practical things that can help us to grow as individuals, as leaders.

Jay Boykin (28:33.461)
and things that will make our relationships that much better. So thank you for joining. If you like this, I would love it if you subscribed, leave me a comment, and again, share the link to this with someone who you think could use it. You can find us on YouTube or on your favorite podcast provider, but until next time, let's keep growing.