56 - Hot Mess, Big Heart, No Sleep: Why Self-Care Isn’t Optional

Whether you're knee-deep in diapers or wondering if your toddler will ever nap again, one thing’s for sure: you’ve probably put yourself dead last on the priority list. In this episode, I’m sharing real-talk strategies to help you make space for self-care that actually works, even in the chaos of new parenthood.

This isn’t about bubble baths or “just go take a nap” advice. It’s about giving yourself permission to be human, asking for help before you're drowning, and finding micro-moments of calm in the middle of the mess.

From emotional regulation to partner dynamics, to why eating your toddler’s leftover string cheese absolutely counts as a meal—we’re covering it all.

We’ll talk about:

• Why self-care is non-negotiable (and not selfish)
• Small, doable rituals that help you feel like you again
• What emotional self-care actually looks like in real life
• How to share the load with your partner (without resentment)
• Why support in the first year of parenting can change everything

Resources & Support Mentioned in This Episode:

🧠 Free Postpartum Mental Health Handouts –  Get my downloadable guide to help you recognize the signs of postpartum anxiety, depression, and emotional overload—and most importantly, what to do about it. 👉 Download Here

🍼 The First Year Support Program – Support for you, not just the baby. Weekly or monthly check-ins, sleep guidance, emotional support, and a whole lot of “you’re not alone.” 👉 Explore the Program

💤 Doula Deb’s Free Sleep Resources – If your baby is sleep-averse and you are touched out and running on fumes, I’ve got you. 👉 Grab Free Sleep Tips

📱 Follow me on Instagram – For snack-fueled real talk and behind-the-scenes support: @doula.deb

Let’s keep parenting honest, supported, and just the right amount of scrappy.

 If you need a reminder that you matter too, this episode is it.

Transcript

Deb (00:50)
Hey, hey, it's time for doula talk and I'm your host doula Deb, birth doula, postpartum doula, sleep doula, snack doula, chaos doula, and your very own truth teller of all things parenthood. Today we are talking about something I think every parent needs, but nobody feels like they have time for, and that is self care. But don't worry, I'm not about to tell you to take a bubble bath and call it a day.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told a sleep-deprived new parent, just go take a bubble bath. I could totally retire on a beach somewhere,

But let's keep it real. Whether you're in the thick of a newborn fog, wondering if it's day three or day 37, or you're chasing a toddler who has just learned how to open the fridge and eat shredded cheese directly from the bag, this episode is for you. Let's talk about why self-care isn't just an Instagrammable luxury. It is actual

survival,

I've got practical judgment-free tips that even the busiest most touched-out parent can work into their day.

Okay, well let's start here. Something along the way, self-care turned into this pressure-packed concept. Like if you don't have a 10-step skincare routine, a gratitude journal, and a monthly massage subscription, you are totally failing at it. But listen, I'm just trying to drink my coffee while it's still hot. That is my luxury item. The truth is, when you're deep in the parenting trenches,

Self-care has to get scrappy. It has to fit in between diaper changes and snack negotiations. It has to meet you where you are, not where some influencer with a nanny and a latte wants you to be.

So here's the reframe, self-care isn't selfish and it's also not optional. the thing that makes you more you, the calm, kind, present version of yourself that you want to show up as. You don't need to earn it and you don't need to justify it. You just need to do it, period.

So let's talk about what self care can actually look like when you're running on three hours of broken sleep and your kid just stuck peanut butter in their hair. Here are my favorite low effort, high impact moves. First, set realistic expectations. Perfection, overrated. You are not a robot. You're a human with a baby attached to you like a barnacle. So let the laundry pile up, let the dishes wait. your mental health matters

more than a clean sink.

Two, create micro moments. Forget the 30 minute yoga sessions unless you love that, then go for it. But if not, steal 90 seconds of peace while the baby naps. Savor that first sip of coffee, sit on the porch and just breathe before someone yells for you again. Pro locked and music playing,

That's like an instant spa.

Three is sleep.

However, whenever you can. You've heard it a million times, sleep when the baby sleeps. And you're like, cool, cool, cool. And clean eat when the baby makes me a sandwich. Yeah, I get it. But seriously, if there's a moment where sleep is an option, grab it. Whether it's tag teaming with your partner, power napping, or crashing on the couch during Bluey. It totally counts. If you need help getting your baby to sleep,

so you can sleep. That's literally what I do. So let's chat.

Okay, now let's talk about the emotional stuff because it's not just about whether you've brushed your teeth, it's about how you're feeling.

You need people. You might be holding your baby all day and still feel completely alone. That's a real thing. So you need to text a friend. Leave a voice memo while you're feeding your baby. hop on a support group Zoom call in your pajamas. You do not have to do this alone and we never were meant to.

Number You're allowed to have emotions. You can love your baby and also struggle with motherhood at the same time. You can feel grateful and resentful at the same time. You can feel joy and grief over your old life. All of that is normal. All of it. So instead of bottling it up and smiling through the chaos, say it out loud, journal it, text your doula, DM me, whatever gets it out of your

head and into the light. That can make it feel so much more

And three, get support before you're at your breaking point. if you feel like you're drowning, don't wait. Support doesn't have to be dramatic. Sometimes it's just someone saying, you're not crazy. This is actually really hard. Sometimes that's a friend, sometimes that's a professional, and sometimes that's me, and I'm here for it.

So next we're going to talk about something a little spicy, sharing the load. If you've got a partner in the picture, this is for you. First thing is you're a team. You are not a one person show. It doesn't matter who's home more, who feeds the baby, who changes more diapers. The goal is that both of you get time to rest, reset, and be human. Trade off, take shifts, give each other breaks that are longer than just a bathroom trip.

And second, you have to communicate the real stuff.

And I don't mean, can you go grab the wipes? I mean real talk. when you're feeling resentful.

when you're feeling really lonely and you miss your partner, when you just need 20 minutes to yourself before you lose it. When you share that kind of stuff, that builds emotional intimacy. And trust me, you'll need that more than ever in the first year of parenting.

So here's the part where I tell you something really important. You do not have to do this alone. If you're listening to this and thinking, wow, I am barely hanging on, let me remind you, help is out there.

have several options to support you, like the First Year Support because parents like you kept telling me the same thing. I need help, but I don't know what kind, and I just know that I am overwhelmed.

So I built the support that covers the whole picture. Not just baby sleep, although yes, we'll get into that, but also how to get you more rest, how to care for yourself when you don't have time, how to stay connected to your partner, how to feel seen and supported in real time. and the thing is, this is not a one size fits all.

It's compassionate, flexible support that meets you where you are, and it also grows with you.

I have options where you can check in with a one-time consult. I have options where we can talk weekly. And I also have options where we can just check in monthly when things are rapidly changing in that first year. You need to check in for milestones, what's coming up, maybe going back to work. Maybe your partner's going back to work. Maybe you want to wean. There are all kinds of things that we can work through in just a short amount of time so that you can feel steady in that first year.

All right, before we go, let's just have a little moment together.

I want you to step back and realize that you are doing much better than you think. You're allowed to be messy and magical at the same time. You are still you. even if you don't recognize your reflection these days. So please take care of yourself, even if it's just a two minute dance party or eating the snacks that your toddler didn't finish. Because you know, we all do it. But remember, when in doubt, take a nap.

Eat a sandwich and send the text for support. You've got this and I've got you. Thanks for spending part of your day with me I'm Doula Deb and this has been Doula Talk Until next time go refill your coffee, go hide in the pantry for just a second, maybe eat a little piece of and don't forget that you matter too.