57 - Ten Tips for Partners to Keep Calm, Keep the Peace, and Keep Your Sanity (Especially When Everyone Is Exhausted and Someone Has to Go to Work Tomorrow)

The first year after having a baby can put pressure on even the healthiest relationships, not because families are failing, but because postpartum recovery, sleep deprivation, work stress, hormones, and nonstop caregiving are a lot for human nervous systems.

In this honest and practical episode of Doula Talk: Postpartum, Babies, and the Battle for Sleep, Doula Deb shares 10 realistic tips for partners navigating the newborn and baby stage together. From learning how to pause during overstimulating moments to supporting a recovering partner, lowering expectations, reconnecting through play, and surviving the mental load of parenthood, this episode is packed with grounded encouragement for exhausted families in the thick of the first year.  

This conversation is especially helpful for:

• Partners returning to work postpartum
• Families navigating newborn overwhelm
• Parents struggling with burnout or communication
• Couples trying to stay connected during the baby stage

If you’ve ever looked at your partner at 3am and thought, “Are we okay?”… this episode is for you.

Doula Deb also shares reminders about trusting your intuition, finding community support, and giving yourselves permission to slow down during this season of life.

Transcript

Deb (00:50)

Hi, welcome back to Doula Talk. This is Doula Deb and today I want to talk about partners in the postpartum period. Not the Instagram version where everyone's smiling over snacks while the baby peacefully sleeps in a beige bassinet. I mean the real messy version.

The version where one partner goes back to work two weeks after birth, because America is a disaster, let's be honest. we're talking about the version where someone is pumping at 2 a.m. and crying because they can't remember if they switched the laundry. We're talking about the version where one parent walks through the door after work already overstimulated and immediately gets handed a screaming baby. And both parents are secretly thinking,

Like, are we okay? Like, are we gonna actually get through this? This is awful. Because here's the thing nobody talks about enough. The first year after having a baby can put a massive strain on even a really healthy relationship. Not because you're doing anything wrong, but because sleep deprivation, identity shifts, hormones, financial pressure, work stress, and non-stop 24-hour caregiving are a lot.

for a human nervous system. to partners. gonna go over 10 practical things that actually help during the newborn and baby stage, not for the perfect parent nonsense, but just real life support.

So tip number one, when things escalate, you're gonna take a break before you say something dumb So listen, there will absolutely be moments where the baby is crying, the dog is barking,

Dinner isn't made. You're starving. Everyone is touched out. And somebody says something spicy that they don't actually mean. This is so normal. And honestly, one of the most underrated parenting skills is learning when to pause instead of pushing through. Sometimes the best thing you can do in this moment is put the baby down somewhere safe, walk outside for two minutes, breathe like a functional adult.

and reset your nervous system before re-entering the conversation. Because exhausted people are not known for their stellar communication skills. You are not failing because you need a minute to breathe.

Tip number two, don't accidentally give your best energy to work and your leftovers to your family. This one hits hard for a lot of working parents, especially partners who are trying to hold everything together financially. You spend all day regulating yourself at work, being productive, being patient, being competent, and holding yourselves to standards of pre-baby work.

and then you come home and your family gets whatever crumbs are left. But your baby does not care about your quarterly reports. Your partner doesn't need perfection. They just need you to show up. They need your presence. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is hold the baby without even being asked. Refill the water bottle so that they don't have to think about it.

you might see the sink full of pump parts and you just clean it.

It might the baby, sitting on the floor and playing with them and saying, go take a shower. I've got this. Don't worry. Go rest. These are those tiny moments that don't take a lot of effort from you, but those matter so much more than grand gestures of flowers and a spa day. It doesn't have to be a giant gesture for it to make a huge impact in your family.

Tip number three, play. Play with your kids more than you think you need to. A lot of parents get stuck in task mode. Feed the baby, what needs to happen next? Wash the bottles, let's do bedtime. Repeat forever until death. but here's the thing, babies are wired for connection through play.

But honestly, play is often what reconnects parents too! You do not need to be an entertainer, but making your baby laugh while you are cutting onions for dinner because you're making silly faces and noises or doing

ridiculous dance moves or singing a song diaper changes, that stuff defuses tension fast. Also babies under one are incredibly easy to impress. I swear you can literally sneeze and they're like, this is the greatest person I've ever seen. So take advantage of that. Mundane tasks include them in it. Maybe do some baby wearing and

take them along while you're doing some tasks that have to get done in the moment. So maybe you're strapping the baby on and changing the laundry while singing a song. That could be the best game ever for a baby. And you also get a task done.

Tip number four, leave the house before everyone becomes emotionally feral. I say this lovingly, but sometimes the entire household needs fresh air, like immediately. Especially if one parent has been home with the baby all day long because napping has been really tough. Babies can absolutely become the center of your universe in a way that shrinks your whole life down to naps, bottles, and whether someone had pooped today.

So getting out and realizing there's a whole world out there, it

helps, not because you need to bounce back or be productive like you were before baby, but because humans are not meant to stare at the same four walls for weeks at a time. Go to Target, walk around Costco, get a coffee, take the baby on a walk. Tiny outings can massively improve everyone's mental health.

Tip your partner is recovering longer than society tells you that they should. And this one matters. Whether birth was vaginal, a C-section, traumatic, complicated, or everything went fine. Your partner is still recovering physically, mentally, hormonally, emotionally for months. And some say even years afterward.

And many birthing parents, are trying to recover while also feeding the baby around the clock, functioning on broken sleep and carrying the invisible mental load of the household if you've returned to work already.

So if your partner seems more emotional, more anxious, more irritable, and less like themselves, that does not automatically mean something is wrong with your relationship. Sometimes it just simply means that they are

profoundly

depleted. So lead with curiosity.

instead of defensiveness. When was the last time you ate? When was the last time you had a good solid two to four hours of sleep? How is the baby today? Has the baby been napping and you got to rest? Those questions can just flip the mood in the house almost instantly.

Tip number six, stop trying to cram pre-baby life into post-baby schedules. Everything takes longer with a baby, like everything. Leaving the house, getting groceries, going to dinner, getting to sleep, staying asleep, packing, just existing. And yet so many families keep trying to maintain their old pace. Then everyone feels like they're instantly failing.

you are in a season where slower is normal. Slower is better for recovery and getting to know your baby. So do less. Build margin into your day. Expect that transitions are going to take longer for a while. And honestly, one errand with a baby can feel like a entire day's worth of a military operation. So

Adjust your expectations accordingly and give yourself a break.

Tip number seven, use your experts instead of white-knuckling alone through everything. You do not need to know how to do this all by yourself. You've never done this before, or maybe you're adding a child into your family and there's a whole new dynamic that is coming forward. and to be honest, Google at 2 a.m. is a very dangerous place.

And now we have chat GPT who can interact with us, which is even harder. So I want you to put the computer and your phone down and use your support people. Find your community to find that support in this time. That might look like doulas, pediatricians, lactation consultants, pelvic floor, physical therapists, therapists, sleep support, parent groups.

because they're there for a reason, because we need our community in this time.

We were never meant to raise our babies in isolation. Sometimes one good conversation can save families weeks of stress and anxiety. So go find your community.

Tip number eight, talk to other parents so you realize that this is so normal. One of the biggest lies new parents believe is everyone else is handling this so much better than we are. No, I can tell you they are not. They posting the one cute moment between diaper blowouts

and that 4 a.m. argument about whose turn it is to go get the baby. So talking honestly with other parents matters, not performatively or bragging who has the most milk. These are just real conversations like, yeah, we are so struggling right now.

Our baby only naps on people? Like are you guys experiencing that too? And I'm pretty sure we haven't eaten a vegetable in weeks. This is the kind of normalization for this period that lowers the shame and guilt like fast.

Tip number nine, taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's preventative maintenance. You cannot run a family on fumes forever. themselves when the birthing parent is struggling too. But burnout helps nobody. You are still a human. You still need to sleep. You still need to drink water. You still need to move your body.

You still need downtime and you still need connection and you still need to eat food that isn't leftover dino nuggets, okay? You do not need a six step wellness routine, but basic care matters because dysregulated adults raise dysregulated households.

And I always put this to parents as the oxygen mask on the airplane. They always emphasize, make sure to put your oxygen mask on first and then help others second. If you're not sleeping, eating, drinking water and having some downtime and connection, how are you going to help your birthing partner with their recovery? We have to help ourselves before we can help others.

Tip number 10.

Trust yourself more than the internet. The internet right now is so loud. Everyone has an opinion about your baby and what they should be sleeping like, how to feed them, what the milestones are that they should be getting, the schedules that you should put them on, what bottles to use, breastfeeding is better, Are you gonna use daycare or nanny? How much screen time is okay?

literally everything. And while information can be really helpful, at some point, you have to turn it off and look and learn with your own baby. You are with your child every day. You have the beauty of noticing patterns. You have the beauty of being in their presence to know

their cues. You know when something just feels off. Experts can guide you on some norms, right? But we don't know your baby. And it does not replace your intuition. Because you're the one that is around this baby all the time. And sometimes we have to calm the outside noise for us to hear our inside voice telling us

What matters most?

So if you're in the thick of the first year right now, I just wanna remind you, this season feels so intense, but that's because it is intense, not because you're bad at it. You and your partner are learning how to care for a baby while simultaneously trying to care for yourselves, your relationship, your finances, your jobs, and your mental health. That's a lot. So what I hope that you hear today is,

It's okay to lower the bar where you can. It's so important to support each other where you can. Laugh as much as possible. Apologize when we mess up because there is gonna be those 3 a.m. little bickering fights that by morning you can look at each other and say, I am very sorry. I was very tired earlier. Are you sorry too? Yeah? Okay.

We're both sorry, we're gonna forget about it and move on and try to do better next time. And if you can remember that you are on the same team, even when everybody's tired, that's what matters most.

So thank you so much for hanging out with me today on Doula Talk. And if this episode made you feel a little bit more seen, I want you to do me a favor and send this to another parent who probably needs to hear it too.

and if you're not already a follower on your podcast platform, I hope that you give me a follow and a like and send me a comment if there is something that you would love to hear about on the podcast or you'd like to be a guest. Feel free to reach out. by emailing

and I'd love to hear from you. I hope you have a great day and be gentle with yourself.