My Unexpected First Step Into Polyamory: Navigating Jealousy, Insecurity, + Compersion

Hello darlings!

After a six-week podcast pause and a whole lot of internal (and external) unraveling, I’m back with yet another unexpected plot twist of my love life: I’m in a relationship with a polyamorous man… and loving it. 😳🔥

In this episode, I share how my historically monogamous, high-jealousy heart is suddenly open—and even turned on—by a lover who’s deeply devoted to me and loving others. From the softening of old abandonment wounds to the revelation of compersion to wild moments of emotional safety, this is a juicy, honest share on what’s unfolding in real time.

We talk:

• How elite masculine friendships cracked open my heart to men again
• My former monogamy-only stance (and what changed it)
• Navigating jealousy, comparison, and emotional safety in polyamory
• The kinky perks of being with a deeply experienced dom lover
• Feeling chosen while not being the only one—and why that feels revolutionary

Whether you’re poly-curious or just nosy (👀), this one’s raw, real, and dripping with permission to try whatever the f*ck you want. 

Episodes mentioned: 

• Feminine Magnetism: Embodying Egg Energy: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-erotically-embodied-woman-podcast/id1774296965?i=1000699458240
• My Latest Breakup: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-erotically-embodied-woman-podcast/id1774296965?i=1000697481709

Connect with me: https://www.instagram.com/wild_womanhood 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello, my beautiful babes. Welcome back to the Erotically Embodied Woman podcast. It has been a hot minute since I have been here, about six weeks, and I'm pretty sure that the last episode I recorded, I was saying that it's also been a second because a lot of life things were happening and shifts and changes internally and externally, and so I... have been just taking space to create in other formats right now, particularly on Instagram. And I am really excited to come back to you because so much more has unraveled since that time. That has been quite the unexpected experience for me in the most beautiful ways. And I have mostly been creating on Instagram the last little bit. I stay there pretty consistently. And I'm finding like I want to... share longer forms of things like me not limited to a 90 second or three minute video to try to explain all of the things that are happening because there is so much and I also love the podcast because one, it doesn't have to be censored like mad on Instagram. And I find that the people who listen to my podcast are my people, you know, like they're my inner circle, the babes who I would be sharing this type of thing with in my living room on the floor as we tie each other up for fun, you know, like you're my people. So, and I want to preface that there is a lot, a lot more happening in other realms of my life right now. And this episode, I want to focus in the area of relationships because that has been a very new experience. Just by looking at the title of this episode, you'll quickly know. So I am going to give you a little bit of context and background for my relationship history, just so you have a bit of a reference point of where I'm coming at this from. I, about three years ago, decided to get divorced from my then husband because I wanted to explore my sexuality. I felt like I was gay, and so I chose to leave that marriage. And prior to that, I'd also been in exclusively heterosexual relationships. I have always had fairly serious relationships. It's fairly rare for me to have a short-term situation. It's always been pretty back-to-back serious relationships. And so after I left my husband, I was in a about... maybe like 20 month relationship with a woman. My first woman ever, I, you know, somewhat, I wouldn't even call it dated other women. I've connected with other women in a romantic sense prior to this person, like in my post-divorce dating phase. And, but this person I dated for like, like the most significant relationship amount of time. So then we broke up earlier this year. If you want to know more about that, there is a podcast episode, I believe titled My Latest Breakup. And I share a lot about how I made that decision and what I learned through that experience there. And so if you want to know more, pop over there after. And so now when I broke up with this person for the short version of it, I go into this longer in the other one, I believe, if I didn't. Oops. And basically what I want to share is that I have really started to open up my heart to men again, dating wise. I feel like this has been a very big shift for me as I left a long-term marriage with my child's father because I thought thought I didn't want to be with men and so for me to open up my heart again to dating men has been a very big experience internally emotionally for me and it also feels very right and essentially a big part of it is I connected with friends who were men who were the most elite men embodied, integrated, masculine men that showed me that there was a different type of man out there that I had yet to experience or even knew existed. And that's a big part of what I love sharing about these topics and my current new love that I'll be sharing about in a second, because I find that many women don't realize that there are these types of men out there. And it's about becoming the woman to receive that. And We'll chat about that more later. And so for me, experiencing these platonic men, relationships with men that I was blown away by really opened up my heart to considering, oh, like, do I actually desire being with men? And I definitely desire a high masculine partner, whether that be a man or a woman or any variation of such gender. And I... Then I have pretty much exclusively been opening my heart up to men in the last several months, and I took some time after the breakup to process about three or so months, and I now just feel very ready and open. have gone on several different dates with men who I exclusively find in the wild. I do not do dating apps whatsoever. And I'm very proud and happy to say that every single person I've connected with are ones I've met in the wild where they approach me, they see me, and they pursue from there. And I really, really love that versus me being much more in the pursuer energy, which is my typical baseline. I feel like in my life is always being the one to take initiative rather than living in the embodiment of magnetism, living as the woman that men, people, opportunities come to. Clients, friends find me rather than trying to seek. Of course, I take initiative when I feel inspired to, and I most definitely have the energy within me. And I've really been in practice of allowing myself to be more in the receiving and the responding to life and calling it in rather than trying to, quote unquote, make it happen. It's very... manifesting generator of me in that a manifesting generator in mine is about responding to life rather than being the initiator or being invited, right? Like for me, it's about just being this human that attracts all that I desire and I get to choose from there what feels in alignment. So I've been living in that. And if you want to know more about this, actually this topic, there's a podcast episode I have called Embodying Egg Energy, which is all about this topic. So if that intrigues you, pop over there. Okay. So opening up my heart to men, where that brings me to now is I have a new lover in my life who I would consider myself more in a brand new, okay? And usually I feel like people will wait until things are well-established and start sharing about these things. And for me, it just feels very much so alive to share about it as it's unraveling and as I'm learning because so much is coming through this beginning because it's not just a, oh, I met someone and I'm dating them. It's a very new type of dynamic in that he is polyamorous, has always been. And I've historically been monogamous. And it's also a very different experience in that we have been friends for a year and a half. And at the beginning, when we first met, there was definitely a natural polarity between us. I always had felt drawn to him. And we remained friends because I was monogamous and in a relationship with somebody. And so we just held friendship for the last year and a half. And Earlier this year, I started connecting more as friends and just chatting more on the phone. And still, there is this element of, I know you're polyamorous and you know I am monogamous for what I thought. At least I'm exploring that within myself. And in the last month, there has been a shift in our dynamic from friends to lovers. And there was definitely an in-between phase of that. There was definitely a moment of... Let's just have fun with each other rather than it being more of a relationship relationship where I was really not expecting that for myself. Because again, I have always been the person that said I'm an absolute no to polyamory because I was like, I cannot handle the jealousy. Like that was a huge deal breaker for me. It felt like at the time where I was at emotionally. For instance, I... with my monogamous relationships feel intense jealousy over the fact they had exes or they had other lovers or they even would go on trips with their friends or their mother that they love, right? Like that all triggered me out of jealousy and insecurity. And so for me to think about dating someone who is actively with other lovers felt like a big jump. And especially since my breakup. But prior to that, I've been doing a lot of my own internal work when it comes to my self-worth, the way I see myself, connecting to my own specialness, my value, and my uniqueness, and all of that, and doing a lot of work around my abandonment wounds as well has been a really big piece of my work over the last decade, really, and has been on the forefront of my mind more recently because I desire to attract and be with my soul complement. And so I knew that baby girl over here had lots of healing to do. So we were working on that. And so for me now to be in this place where I feel, may I say oddly, open to the idea of polyamory is very new for me. I have... Started this like, you know, this connection with someone who at first, like I said, it was a let's just have fun and kind of see and just enjoy each other and enjoy intimacy, right? Like all this stuff was just enjoying and but it kind of had this tinge of this is temporary. beginning. It was a like, yeah, like one day I'm going to meet someone that I will want to be monogamous with. And so then I will go do that. And that may still happen. I don't know. And right now where I'm at is I'm very open to polyamory in a way that I never expected. And a huge, huge part of, I think, many reasons why I feel really open to it is one, this lover of mine, he has been the most supportive and patient and compassionate and has been holding me so deeply in this experience of all of the different emotions he has been devoted in time, energy, patience, reassurance for me to just wrap my head around it and then also as we navigate different experiences as well. for a more specific example one way that that has looked like is he has another lover that is budding in his life growing figuring what they're doing and initially when that first came up when I realized it was not just a oh we just have sex for fun situation it was more like I don't know what it could be it could be something more and that for me brought up a lot a lot of emotions and I It was incredible because when this person told me, he told me about her on the phone, he immediately felt my energy shift on the phone where he immediately could feel my tension and invited me to share more and held me through all of that and has been incredibly patient. And so for me to experience such a elite level of attunement where the subtleties of my energy shifts even without even seeing me has been incredible. It has been by far the most elite emotional attunement and intelligence that I have felt in a relationship. I say that with high, high praises, especially because I feel like as a former therapist, I have been surrounded by people who have very high-level skills in relationship, communication, and this man has surpassed that by a lot, where it raises my bar by far. And so this person, right, like this person has been so... Loving to me where I feel a lot of softness and held and he has also shown up incredibly consistently with love for me where it feels like I told someone that even if I had no idea he had a whole other maybe even full-blown relationship, I may not even realize it because of how much he shows up for me. I feel very fulfilled in attention, love, effort, where if he happened to have more energy and desire to do that for another person as well, I may not even know. We do have an agreement where he is very open and shares everything with me, so I know. So there's not a actual reality of that, but just more of the concept that I feel very fulfilled in the relationships as of now. And so to me, it feels like... If I'm fulfilled, him loving others doesn't take anything away from me. And this is a concept that I've grappled with for a long, long time around the idea of scarcity of love. I for a long, long time felt like if someone was giving their love or attention to someone else, then it was taking a lot away from me. For example, my ex-husband has other children and I used to get incredibly, incredibly triggered when the kids were around because his attention was on them and there was less for me. And like, I became very controlling and I So for me, it's been a long journey of unraveling that belief and really seeing that there is an abundance of love and that a person loving someone else does not diminish their love for me. And That is what I'm experiencing right now is that. And when I really connect with my own experiences around this of having lots of love, I still have lots of love for my exes, even my friends. I have so much love for the people in my life. And that doesn't take away from this person at all that I'm more in quote unquote relationship with. I'm in relationship with everyone, right? But when I say relationship in this context, I mean more romantic relationship, committed vibes. And I... have no real desire to actively seek out like another partnership or a lover in my life to have multiple by any means, but I have gone on dates with other people in the meantime where it just arises more so and we're connected with them in the wild and enjoy a flirty moment with this person, even if I never talk to them again, right? But the freedom that I feel to experience that has been incredibly liberating to know that even if I end up pretty much in a monogamous relationship, but the freedom of choice that if I met someone else, there is the freedom to experience that and to explore that has been very liberating in a way that I didn't think that I would feel. And one way that my lover has explained this that I really love and resonates with my values around authenticity is he shares that he feels like for him, the life of polyamory allows him to be the most authentic when he's connecting with people, right? Like if he meets someone, he can be fully like in that moment and enjoy it and be in the moment rather than having in the background this like, oh, am I breaking a relationship agreement because of X, Y, Z? That doesn't mean we don't have agreements, right? And relationship agreements, it means more of a... allowance of exploring other dynamics and knowing that that doesn't take anything away from our love. And what's something else that also really supports me in this is knowing that him experiencing love with others and feeling fulfilled in that only nourishes our love more in our relationship. It doesn't take away. It actually adds to it. It's not just a neutral thing. It is something that when I think about for myself, a tiny example of this is this last weekend, I went on a solo dinner date with myself. And while I was out, a man bought me dessert. And we didn't really talk much, but just got to be in my most juicy radiant energy where this human just really in And I loved that I allowed that to happen and just for me to enjoy receiving that rather than thinking, oh my God, I shouldn't be like this because I'm in a relationship. And so for me, it feels like this permission to be anything and everything I want and to receive it all with a knowing that I... can experience many things without it taking anything away from this person, right? Because me experiencing this with a stranger at a restaurant doesn't mean I'm not excited to see my lover. And I think it'll be a very interesting experience for me if one day I choose to have more than one lover. That feels like a lot of energy. I put a lot of devotion and effort and attention into relationships in my life. And so I'd be curious to know how I feel about it later. And for me to experience this where I experienced flirtiness with other people and for it to not affect or actually just brings more of that fun, juicy energy to my love, it just shows me that he likely experiences the same thing without it meaning anything. that he doesn't want me anymore. Because I think that's a huge thing I felt is this comparison of, oh my goodness, if you enjoy time with someone else, does that mean you're not going to want to be with me? And it really comes back to this understanding that we all have different relationships with other people and they're all different. Like I have friends that I talk about certain things with and I have friends I do other things with or that I may do, but it's all different and it's all whole within itself without it being taken apart, if that makes sense. And another thing that has really supported me in my journey of opening up to polyamory is the confidence within myself that I am special and unique. So even if a lover has other lovers, that does not take away from our love because it's me. And I... I feel this especially because my lover, he is incredibly experienced in relationships. Read that as has been with a lot of women, has had a lot of sex and is very well experienced in the kink realm, which was a huge desire of mine with finding a new partner. Was someone who was very confident, experienced in that realm and could take lead in that because that's something I want to dive more and explore into with myself. And that level of... experience and confidence that he brings to me and leadership. in not just the bedroom but in life is because he has been with many women and has had a lot of practice in this and for me to see that as such a pro for me is incredible like I feel like the biggest thing is seeing how him having other lovers is wonderful for me rather than it's seeing as something that's quote-unquote bad for me right like it's seeing how I benefit so deeply from that one not just because he has had lots of experience that I get to enjoy now but he also enjoys things with other people that i may not necessarily enjoy right or vice versa a specific example that i started my instagram story recently is that i someone asked me if it's liberating to try polyamory and i said yes and the example i gave with it is that i i this lover, he is 100% dom energy, which means I'm 100% sub energy with him. And I love that. I love, love, love that. And I do notice in myself a desire to dom at times. I do enjoy a little bit of switchiness sometimes. And The thought of, oh, I could just experience that with other lovers who enjoy that too, and that doesn't mean that this current lover has to do anything about it or change to be with me, I feel like allows all of us to remain in integrity of our desires and also authentic to our desires rather than needing to squash it or make someone, not make, right, but like... like have a person change and try new things that maybe they just like they're not into right and again we may want to try things but it just may not be who they actually are at their core of what they enjoy and so for me knowing that within myself that there are things that I really love and experience with some people but not others shows me that oh I could actually just have many different experiences without it taking away from one person and One way I really think about it is, like I said at the beginning of this experience, I had the thought of this is temporary. One day I'm going to meet someone who I desire to be fully monogamous with, which again, it totally may happen. I don't know. My life is endless plot twists. And if I met a new person who I really enjoyed and wanted to be with, if there was this sense of a you have to choose between me and the current lover I have, that would feel terrible. That would feel awful to have to choose in that way when I don't feel like maybe I necessarily have to, which is a new thought for me. Again, this is not something I thought about. My majority of my life has felt very opposite of how I'm currently explaining to you, which honestly, as I say, I'm just going to give myself a lot of kudos for the amount of inner work I've done to be able to get to this place in relationship because Lord knows it's been a long road. Okay. So Anyway, with the choosing between people, I also feel that way with choosing between men and women. Like I said, I had been with women for several years and enjoy being with women. I don't by any means think that I only liked it, but I don't actually. I prefer men. I love both for their own unique reasons. And for a bit, when I first had the most recent breakup, I felt like the sense of I have to choose And now I'm thinking, oh, maybe I actually don't have to choose. I don't have to choose between men and women. And it is very new for me. I don't, like I said, have other lovers in my life to share. I'm sure once that happens, if it does, when it does, I will share about that because it's, I'm sure, a very interesting experience. And I just love sharing. I love documenting. Yeah. Oh, that is where I'm at right now. I want to add something actually around the idea of compersion because compersion is a huge, huge... piece of polyamory, I feel like. Compersion, if you don't know, is the idea that you get turned on by your partner's pleasure, perhaps with other people. And so if your partner is out with other people, you are actually turned on by the fact that they're out with other people or that they're experiencing pleasure with other people. And for a bit, I said, oh, that is 1000% not me, is how I thought of it, where I thought... I would be way turned off by that and just horrified, honestly. And I've been thinking a lot about it. And I'm realizing that actually I think I do experience a level of compersion. And I think it also has felt like a choice to shift my mind a bit. Like, for example, my most recent ex-lover, she had... had other lovers, right, in her life. And the thought of that was really upsetting to me. And then I remember at a point in our relationship where I got to the place of thinking, like, I'm actually quite turned on at the thought of you fucking someone else. And that was new for me to shift and choose into that. And so right now, I'm really curious for myself what that may continue to be as it unravels, as I explore more. And something... that is fresh that is on my mind related to the of compersion that is maybe how i'm working through and understanding it is like i said my current lover he has another woman that he's exploring relationship with connecting with and initially when that was brought up like i said i was quite more triggered by insecure jealous like wrapping my head around it and uh He shared with me some more language around polyamory this week, where he shared about what a meta is or a hinge. And I have learned that polyamory has a lot of lingo. Essentially, a meta is someone who my lover may also be connecting with. So that person who connects it to people are the hinge. So for example, he would be the hinge, And then the two, like me and this other woman are metas to each other because he's the hinge that connects us too, right? Like we wouldn't have a connection otherwise, if that makes sense. And so essentially the idea is that this person is my meta and I'm her meta essentially. And for some reason, learning that language, I suddenly feel really turned on at the thought of her being my meta, even though I don't know her at all. It just suddenly creates a different connection within myself that feels like, oh, maybe it's because it feels like she's my meta. Like we have a relationship with her in a way, like a connection point to her versus just thinking about it. Oh, this is my lover's other lover, which feels like a more separate thing. But for me to build some sort of connection between me and her, like, again, even though we have literally zero interaction, contact, I don't even know what she looks like. It's like, quite separate, right? Like there's a distance definitely, but for some reason, the label of she's my meta, suddenly I'm turned on by that. And so that's very new for me to explore this idea of compersion. I definitely am sure to share more about that as it arises. And that would be something that would be very lovely for me rather than feeling insecure and jealous. And which again, that those feelings will arise and With that, I also just want to add an extra just brag on for my current lover in that he, while of course is very supportive of me exploring this, he has been the most checking in about making sure that I'm not betraying myself, that I'm not being who I'm not to try to make something work with him. And he, of course, is happy and excited about the fact that I am exploring this and opening up my mind, expanding. And he... equally as much holds the, I love this for you. And there will still be the less pleasant emotions and feelings. And I will be here for you in that. I will be here devoted to giving you love, time, reassurance, patience, and my energy in holding you in this. And he means that fully. Like I said, I've been friends with this person for a year and a half. And so it feels like, oh, I'm I have so much trust in history already. Like I know this is just who you are and how you love me because you've loved me from the beginning when there was a, no, we're never going to be together moment. And so now that we are more quote unquote together, it feels like I just have full relaxation and trust into who he is and what he says and the integrity of his word, not just a receiving the words, but not knowing the actions, right? Like he's, he walks the talk and I've known it and seen it for some time. And so other like just sweet little things that I just want to brag about because I just love him so much dearly. And it's been one of the most incredible loves I've experienced, even though it's been a short period of time, which I feel like a little like Romeo and Juliet, not like Romeo and Juliet, but just like, you know, like, but like it feels so different than that. Like it doesn't feel like this. like, like super young, like, Oh my God, I'm just falling in love mode. It feels so deeper because we've already had such a connection and the way we're going about it feels so good and conscious. And anyway, I'm back to bragging a little bit is that the other yesterday I had shared with him that I, this is one of those things that like, I may not share on Instagram, you know, but you get here on the Something for me when it comes to sex is I can get myself off, but allowing someone else to get me off is a whole other thing that requires a lot of relaxation on my part and surrender, which I'm working on. And it's something that I wouldn't say I'm quote unquote there yet, right? And I told this lover this a while ago and we were talking on the phone yesterday and he shared that he had done some research on how to support a partner who struggles to orgasm during sex with a partner. And he had this like whole list of steps that we could take and what may be going on underneath it and asked if I resonate. Like it was just, he was stellar, stellar. It blew my mind. And I asked him like, wait, did you Google this? Did you research this? And he said, yes, this morning. Like he just has been so devoted to making sure I feel safe, relaxed, cared for, and I'm just loving. And the other thing related to that, that I just really deeply appreciate and is a huge, Reason why I feel so held in this experience and open to it is that he in the same conversation shared with me that he's rereading the book Polysecure, which he's like, I don't feel like I need that personally, but I want to read it to everyone. get more ideas of how I can support you in this experience. And the level of just energy, I can't even explain that he has provided me in feeling so loved and cared for, not just in the polyamory realm, right? But also just the love that we share. And I'm just deeply grateful. I'm deeply grateful to experience this love. And something that he has taught me is that how do I put this? He's taught me to, I wouldn't say taught, I would say teaching. Teaching as in actively, actively teaching me that to be present with this love is all that we have rather than me and my typical habitualness is to think about the future of like, oh my God, what if we break up? And then it's gonna be hard and sad. It's just, he's much more in the holding of awareness that that may happen and enjoying what we have now because that is what we have now. And something he shared with me is that when we consent to falling in love, we're also consenting to heartbreak. And I really resonate with that. I am by no means blind to the fact that a relationship can end. Been there many times. Been there with someone who I thought was my life partner and the thought of us not being together was never a possibility in my mind to years later, we're not together, right? It's been a ride where I understand that. And for me to just sink into the understanding that all that I'm experiencing now will only serve me and my soul and my future partners. And something that my lover said to me that just melted my heart a while ago when we were first really acknowledging the shift in our dynamic is he said that he, he's very sweet. He said, I give you full consent to use me as your experiment with men and masculine energy and all of that. And if I get to help you refine, what is it that you want or looking for in a relationship, I will feel so honored to get to do that for you. And that's the type of man that he is where he loves me wholly and fully and, uh, Also is aware that this may end and is honored for the time that we have together regardless, which I really love that perspective because that's what I try to hold to. That's what I'm trying to. I feel like he's far more embodied in that than me. I feel like for me, I get it. And I'm sinking in deeper that I get to just enjoy what's here. And who knows? Who knows what the future will unravel? This year has already been such a plot twist in every single way this last year. Really, my birthday is coming up. So I'm especially... reflection mode of all like my life a year ago was drastically different than now. And I'm curious to see what another year will be. Who knows? Who knows? You know, and I'm here for it all. And I'm grateful for all of you who are listening to those at this point. And I am blessed, blessed up truly with such the most incredible tribe of women, men, humans who are have gone to witness me and also hold me in some of the messier moments. And just thank you. If you are still here with all my love, I appreciate you. And I'm sure that I'll continue sharing more and more as we go. And in the meantime, like Instagram is a great way to keep up with me more on a day-to-day basis, wild underscore womanhood. And yeah, I love you. And I'm sure we'll talk soon.