My "I Don't Know If I Can Do This" Moment (Monogamy to Polyamory)

Whew… this one’s tender, raw, and electric. In today’s episode, I take you inside what has been one of the most emotionally charged, soul-expanding weekends of my polyamorous journey so far. What started as a triggering moment—learning more about my lover’s deepening connection with another partner—spiraled me into a full-body unraveling of my fears, conditioning, and old love paradigms.

But babes… what came next was pure alchemy.

From emotional breakdowns and late-night spirals to being tied up and pleasured by multiple humans at my first kink party (yes, seriously)—this episode is a real-time transmission of what it means to move from scarcity to abundance, from intellectual understanding to embodied knowing. I share the rituals, conversations, and surprising experiences that helped me shift from “I don’t know if I can do this” to “my heart and body finally get it.”

Whether you're exploring non-monogamy or just feeling the edges of your own emotional expansion, there’s medicine in this episode for anyone craving more freedom, depth, and self-trust in love.

✨ Plus, I spill the tea on my upcoming free masterclass, Domme Your Daddy Issues, where we’ll dive into the exact inner work that’s helped me move from anxious attachment to deep, erotic security. We’ll explore the big three: abandonment, control/trust, and the worthiness wound. 

https://yennhi-hoang.mykajabi.com/domme-your-daddy-issues-c28b1427-7c9f-42bb-b063-b9de38fc90e5 

If you’ve ever wondered, “Could I handle my partner loving someone else?”—this one’s for you.

🎧 Tune in, feel it all, and come celebrate the messy, magnificent magic of transformation.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello, hello. Welcome to the Erotically Embodied Woman podcast. My name is Zenny and I am your self-proclaimed somatic siren that is sharing all of the ways that we get to transform, transmute, and alchemize any experience that we have in life to create more magic in everyday life and relationships. So I'm super jazzed to have you here today. Today is July 15th, 2025. It's a Tuesday afternoon. I honestly just rolled out of bed from a little rest I had because I was feeling real low energy. So I'm just real feeling it. And I had a message from a fellow babe that just really kicked me up some energy. And so here I am recording an episode with you. And... I want to share with you that I truly feel like the last couple of days has been such a transformative, expansive time that initially when I recorded my last podcast episode about my first unexpected steps into polyamory, I thought that maybe I would do like an every few months update type of a situation, but no, no, no, no, no. So much is happening. I evolve and shift so quickly that I am just excited to get to share with you along the journey of my experiences and what has been supporting me. Because while I am talking about my experience of polyamory today and just diving more into that, it is something that these lessons are relevant no matter what, no matter the relationship style you have. And that's really how I'm viewing my experience as well, is choosing to see that no matter what my future relationship life looks like or what my life generally looks like, the lessons I'm learning within this experience are absolutely transferable for a really lack of sexy words. Oh my God, did I just say transferable? It means so much more to me that, but I think you get my drift. And I believe the last week, really the last five days, has been a total time portal of me really expanding and feeling like I'm dropping into a whole new reality and experience within myself. And This really started last Thursday. I have honestly been feeling really, really good when it comes to the polyamory situation, adjusting. Of course, feelings are rising and overall feeling really grounded and settled. And then Thursday happened where we got to go deeper within myself because my lover essentially... I don't personally date a ton of other people right now. There's like some connections that are budding and whatnot, but not anything that I would consider like, oh, I'm dating this person per se besides my lover. And he has essentially me and like two other people who one of them is more of a really great friend who they also enjoy the same kinks type of a situation. And then there's another gal who lives a bit further She is what I would consider in the poly world her being my metamor, meta, meaning that my lover is a hinge that connects me and her. So meaning that her and I have a connection through him, but we don't have a relationship with each other. And this other person, initially in my mind, it was more of a weird, just having fun sex type of a situation, which honestly for me is a lot easier to wrap my head around. Like I can understand the desire to have different sexual experiences. And so for me, I felt pretty settled about him having other sexual experiences outside of me. And then I decided at 11 PM on a Thursday night to start asking questions. Oh, okay. Oh my gosh. I'm realizing I just forgot total context for this. So this is Thursday and the day before that, so Wednesday, he had this lover over. It was more last minute. And so honestly, which is great for me. So then I didn't have like weeks of overthinking or trying to get myself on board for a long period of time, but So essentially, I saw him Tuesday. He had plans with her on Wednesday where she was going to be coming through town to spend the night with him. And that in itself was triggering a little bit, but I feel like still relatively okay and level-headed around it. Then the Thursday came around where I asked more questions. This is when the 11 p.m. Zenny questions start rolling out where I asked more about their intentions, their desires for one another. And I think when I realized that it wasn't a, oh, we just have sex for fun type of a situation, like this could be a budding love, growing feelings, romantic relationship vibe, that is when I probably got the most emotional. And it was my first time really in this exploring polyamory situation where I felt like, oh my God, I don't know if I can do this. Because they also have... plans and a couple of weekends to spend a weekend together. And I think what really did it for me is when I asked about if this person was just spending like part of the weekend together and they were just going to do something after or if they're spending the whole weekend. And that's when I realized that it was the whole weekend they're spending together. And that just did it for me where I remember getting really numb. Like I... rarely get that way where I'm just silent, I feel like. I mean, it does happen. And this was probably the most intense time where I was really contemplating, oh my goodness, I don't know if I can do this. Like the thought of me having a weekend with my lover, then him having a whole another weekend, like a romantic situation with another person felt like a lot for me to take in. And that, like I said, the wrapping my head around him having other sexual experiences feels easy to me because I also desire different sexual experiences. And realizing that the emotional connection that he makes with someone or more of like the romantic relationship vibe is really what is my edge of leaning into and unraveling a lot of my different beliefs around love and relationships. And fast forward Friday, so the next morning, I am still feeling just, I'm recovering from this. Like I feel like I... just spent a lot of time processing. I did a lot of shibari on myself and dancing and moving and just allowing the emotions to roll through me. And I believe, I feel like this is when things really started shifting for me is Friday night because we had plans to go meet his tribe, which was my first time meeting this particular group of his tribe, which was so fun. Oh my goodness. Anyway, so I I knew that these friends are also polyamorous. A lot of my lover's tribe are polyamorous or just consensual non-monogamy or relationship anarchy. It's just very normal within their group and community. And I personally do not have a lot of friends in my life that are close who are not monogamous. And so for me, it's a bit more foreign of a concept. And I arrived to this gathering, and that's when I really started settling more and shifting my body's experience around the idea of loving multiple people. I can understand having sex with multiple people is the love part, right? That was really... getting to me. And here, these people, they had multiple other lovers and they talked very openly about their partners in front of their partners. And it started to normalize for me a very different lifestyle than I've ever really been exposed to. And While we're at the party, one of the people there, he is also a fan of Shabari like me. And so we were playing around with Shabari. He was tying me up. And this person, I looked into his eyes and I remember just having the experience of, oh, wow, I can really feel in this person's soul their depth to love so many people. And this experience for me was really transformative in that getting to experience experience that level of, I have such an abundance of capacity to love many people. And this person allowed me to see that my lover also has the same look in his eyes and his soul, his own unique, of course, energy and frequency around it. And this ability to care for multiple people was really something that imprinted for me from my brain into my body, which I That night on Thursday, when I was having a difficult emotional experience, something that my lover named for me that was really validating and really true for what I was experiencing is he said that he could see how there was a disconnect between how my intellectual mind understood things versus how my emotional experience was. And I think it's very true where logically and intellectually, I can understand the ability to love multiple people and that not take anything away from me and understand Getting to have this experience at the tribe's home was really, really eye-opening to me to really understand that we can love so many people. And actually earlier that day, I think I saw a reel on Instagram that shared, it was a polyamorous couple and they were sharing about how, you know, like if they said we have two kids, nobody blinks an eye about doubting their person's ability to love both of their children. And but when you find out you have two partners, people then have a lot more questions around that and how there's a big misconception around polyamory that it's about sex and just that. And people like everyone I've talked to who is polyamorous will stand by that polyamory is so much more about the ability and capacity to love many people and to hold different things. relationships and to be able to define your different relationships like it's not about sex, even though my monogamous paradigm brain very much so gets attached to that part of it and puts a lot of meaning on that. And, you know, I... I had an experience where my lover also shared with me something that was helpful, where he said that he compared this, my meta to one of his other friends, who's one that I met on Friday, where he said that, you know, the ways that he loves and cares for both of them are similar and except the only difference is that he has sex with one of them and not the other. And, uh, That like started sinking into me and then I had experiences that really sunken it to me deeper, which is the next part of my story here. which, so this was Friday night, okay? So this was just a couple days ago. Zenny has been living it up since. These friends invited me to my very first kink party and I went on Saturday night with them. And a side note, it was the theme of pirates and mystical creatures and I went very mermaid vibes and it was such a grand time. And at this experience, essentially, it was a very well-run event where a lot of it was outside, very tiki, very tropical vibes and I arrived there and essentially this event was bottom-led which means that as a bottom you're the one who gets to initiate wanting a scene with somebody rather than a top initiate with you and I decided that I wanted to initiate a scene with one of the tribe people who was one of my lover's friends who brought me to the event. And this is the person who also did Shabari with me the night before. And the scene that I very specifically wanted a scene where I was tied up in a very specific position of basically being on my side with my right leg hung up essentially. And then he decided to tie my arms together at my wrists and then hung them up. And so it's like a very, very mild suspension. And, uh, I had a desire to be tied up this way and then have people come up to kiss, lick, bite, spank, touch me. And this was definitely a vision that I've been having that I was really excited to make into a fruition in that I spoke my desires and ended up happening is I... was in this little greenhouse that's like all vibey lights music and there's a circle rug where there were chairs circling around the circle rug and I got tied up and there's all these people who I didn't really know at all who were circling around watching me and then also watching me experience a lot of pleasure with different people and the two friends who took me to this event, the tribe of my lover, I got to experience physical intimacy with both of them in the scene. And that was such a moment for me of clicking into what my lover has been trying to explain to me around how it really isn't about sex per se. There's like so much, I feel like I'm not going to explain this like in the most like in the way that I've like fully like feel it. And it just helped me sink into the understanding that I can experience a physical intimacy with my friends and also my lover at the same time. Like me experiencing fun and connection and different experiences with them were by no means taking anything away from the experience I will have with my lover. And another really just interesting part about this Having so many different people on me, people, like their different hands, their different energy, their different lips, mouths on my body, just like in a constant flow, it really showed me that everyone understood. is such a unique energy and that I will have a unique experience with each of them and not necessarily one is better than the other, right? And sure, like there are some experiences I prefer more than others and overall, everyone was very attuned to my body and yeah, I really got to experience this, wow, I can experience pleasure and delight and connection with so many people and that just get to add to my life. And that's something that I'm really sinking in more with my lover having other lovers is that him getting to have other experiences with her, others, like doesn't take anything away from me and the ways that I am experiencing him showing up with me, this exact same love and energy and effort has not wavered. at all having other people. I keep saying to others that if I didn't know that my lover had lovers, I wouldn't even know because of the effort and energy that he puts to me is the fucking same. I wouldn't know, honestly, because I feel very fulfilled in the relationship. And I think that is what is such a beauty of my experience right now is that I get to experience that there really is a abundance of love. There's not necessarily an abundance of energy or time, like those things exist, I think. And when it comes to love, it's really for me about connecting to my unique experience with the person, even if they have other unique experiences with other people. And I think for me, as I also just continue on in my journey of this of really getting to understand and root deeper into the knowing that I am very unique and I know that and really seeing how my lover may have experiences with other people that I don't desire to try, right? Like I don't desire to be whipped so hard. I have welts all over my body and he has that desire. And so he gets to experience that with others or he has lovers who enjoy backpacking. And I do have very little desire to go backpacking. I, uh, don't have a desire to build things with him he has lovers who enjoy that you know like I am much more of a let me lounge as a goddess in the sun while you work and I will just be your delight as you work you know kind of a person and so for me really to deepen my body's understanding of the ability to have many experiences, enjoy all of them, and for them just to add is continuing in me, which I'm really happy about. And so I feel like overall, like the weekend of spending time with my lover's tribe around other people who are polyamorous, going to the kink party, all of that, I feel like really has helped me settle more into this. That doesn't mean that there won't be more jealousy, hard days, hard moments, feelings that arise. And I... am just feeling really good overall right now. And I'm sure as time goes on, there'll be more to process and feel into. And what I'm also really learning is that, I think I shared this in the last episode around how the feelings that I'm experiencing within exploring polyamory are the exact same feelings that arose when I was monogamous fully. And I'm That is very interesting for me because I truly feel the most secure in this dynamic, a polyamorous one, than I ever did with monogamous ones. Like even in monogamous ones, I ruminated about my partners having sex with other people that they were not actively having sex with. And so for me to get to a place where I'm feeling more okay with the fact that my lover has other lovers actively, presently, currently is honestly really incredible and something that I have really been working on celebrating within myself because it has taken a lot, a lot of inner work. And if you are interested in learning more about my inner work to get to this place of being far more secure and confident in myself, way less anxious attachment heavy, it is something that I'm going to be teaching in a free masterclass next Tuesday, July 22nd. And this is one where I'll be getting to chat through all different daddy issues. I'm calling it Dom Your Daddy Issues, where we're diving into three different daddy issues. The worthiness. like feeling we need to prove ourselves for love or earn love. Then there's the abandonment wound. And then there's control and trust. And by no means am I a full on healed completely in every way of these. These are, I think, ones that will always be layered in many ways. And I've come a really long fucking way. And I'm really excited to share with you. So the link will be in my bio if you are interested. And if you are not able to watch the event live, there is also the replay. So yeah, I'm looking forward to connecting more with you all. And if you made it to the end of this episode, my goodness, so much hugs, loves, kisses from me. And I'm sure we'll talk again very, very soon.