how do I build my self esteem while I'm looking for love?

Wondering how to build your self-esteem while you’re single? In today’s episode, we explore how to use your time as a single woman to boost your self-worth and confidence. Let’s shift from feeling incomplete to embracing the opportunity for personal growth that singlehood offers.

Highlights:

• Embrace the Opportunity of Singleness – How being single can be your time to become the best version of yourself.
• Overcoming Negative Self-Talk – How to transform your inner dialogue and treat yourself with love.
• Healing Old Wounds – Why addressing past experiences is key to growing your self-esteem and becoming ready for a healthy relationship.
• Setting Healthy Boundaries – The role of boundaries in improving self-worth and creating the space for the right person to come into your life.

🎼Music by Dennis Pavlov Music

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You know that deep-down feeling that love is meant for you? That it’s supposed to be easier than this? You’re right.

Love isn’t something you chase. It’s something you attract when you shift into the energy that calls it in.

The problem isn’t you—it’s the way you’ve been taught to approach love. I help women break the cycle of overthinking and searching so they can finally start receiving the relationship they know is out there.

That’s exactly what we do in 1:1 coaching. We clear the hidden blocks keeping love just out of reach, so it stops feeling like a struggle—and starts feeling inevitable.

If that hit home, let’s talk. Book a free discovery call at https://calendly.com/kayvandunk/30min, and let’s get started on the path to the love you deserve.

Transcript

Hi and welcome, or welcome back to Love on the Brain. I'm your host, Kay Van Dunk, and I help independent women who are single, divorced, or widowed find their soulmates while staying true to their high standards. In each episode, we dive into a frustrating question you may have about love. I'll share some insights. And then we can reframe it with an afformation or ask formation to help you lift your spirits. If you haven't already, please subscribe and leave a great review on whichever platform you're listening to this podcast on. Your reviews help other amazing singles find this podcast too. Okay, let's jump in.

Today's question is around ways to grow your self-esteem before dating again. And I firmly believe that a lot of women's problems do show up because of low self-esteem and self-worth issues—deficits, if you will. Being single doesn’t have to equate to feeling less than or feeling incomplete because you're not part of a partnership or not in a relationship. Being single offers you a unique opportunity to focus on your personal growth and self-love. Because you can use this time to become the best version of yourself in a way that you can't necessarily focus on yourself if you are dating or in a relationship or married. 

By doing this work now, anyone you are dating from this point forward won't know you as anything but the best version of yourself. And that will allow you to show up in your relationship so differently because there's crap you're not going to take. There are tolerances that you are not going to have, and there are situations you are just not going to allow yourself to be in, or people you are not going to allow yourself to be with.

Once you know who you are, what you are, and you improve your self-worth and self-esteem, when you show up as confident or full of self-worth, full of self-love, completely confident, then they won't know any different. And let me tell you, that is a great way to get rid of someone who is not your equal. Someone who is not for you, who is looking for someone that they can maybe push around a little bit, or show up as not fully available, or show up as not 100%. 

They're not going to want to be with you because they know that you have a standard that they have to live up to. And if they can't live up to that standard, they're just going to peace out of the relationship. It is a blessing. Use your singleness as a time to invest in you, and you will be in the best position to attract the right person when the time comes.

So we're going to use our singlehood to rediscover yourself and what you want from your life and from relationships ultimately. But from your life is always the best place to start. How can you work on your self-esteem during this time? How that looks for you completely depends on your time and your money and your resources. I always think therapy is the best way to start. It's a great way to dig into who you are and work through anything from your childhood forward that could be keeping you from being your most self-confident. There might be a conversation you had or things that were said about you in your youth that you don’t even realize are holding you back today and showing up in the mental soundtrack that stops you from really loving yourself truly.

Maybe it might be that you're already in therapy or not ready to start with therapy. There's some self-help books out there that are really amazing depending on what your challenge is. I'm a huge fan of shadow work, and there's tons of resources online for that. It could also mean taking better care of yourself inside and out. 

• Are you getting enough sleep? 
• Are you eating right? 
• Are you exercising? 
• Are you taking that time for rest and true rejuvenation of yourself? 
• Are you encouraging amazing friendships and relationships with people who build you up and don't tear you down? 
• And how are you talking to yourself? 
• Are you talking to yourself with love? 
• Are you talking to yourself as though you are worthy of the absolute best? 
• Are you being cheap and stingy with yourself? 
• When was the last time you treated yourself to something really amazing and loving and nurturing? 
• How are you loving on yourself?

So instead of thinking, how can I build my self-esteem while I'm single? we're going to switch to the afformation of: how is being single helping me build my self-esteem?

And that's, how is being single helping me build my self-esteem? 

Embrace the idea that your singlehood is your unique time to step out into the world out of your cocoon as the most beautiful butterfly. It is a time of empowerment, of growth, of forward movement, because it's not holding you back. This is not a time of lack. This is a valuable opportunity in your life. To invest in your own self, in your own worth, and you are your most important asset on this planet. This is a time to be completely selfish in the best possible way, and most likely in a way that you have never been in your life.

 Because if you have low self-esteem, are you focusing on your passions? 

Have you been focusing on your healing? 

Have you been focusing on your self-love? I don't think so.

So really dig in to yourself and put back that time and energy into yourself. To build and grow. And what this looks like for you can be as simple as starting every day with the afformation that we set up earlier. Just talking to yourself a little bit more positively throughout the day is a great way to treat yourself even just a little bit better. Your internal dialogue is constantly going. And one of the kindest things we can do for ourselves is love on ourselves. This is an important task for you to work on because it will pay off greater dividends than oil company shares. You will feel amazing about yourself over time.

Another way that you can use these afformations is in conjunction with your mirror work. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself these questions. Give yourself a big hug after you're done because it's hard. Sometimes these words get trapped in our bodies or trapped in our throats because it feels hard to even acknowledge that we can improve ourselves. It feels hard to even acknowledge that we can love ourselves. We are all coming from different places of change. Maybe having people talk negatively to us or being abusive or traumatic situations that rattle your self-esteem. It's never too late to rebuild that though because you want to be the person that your inner child would love. You want to be the person that your inner teen would love or even your younger self would love. And thank you for doing the work at any point in your life to be the strongest, best version of yourself.

And the side effect and the side bonus is yes, you will attract someone to you who will think that you are amazing. That's not our focus. It's just a wonderful benefit and a beautiful bonus. But ultimately, my darling, I want you to focus on you during this time as you are getting ready to step into your soulmate era. So use this time. Celebrate your independence. Celebrate your personal goal growth.

I'm going to give you a little bit of homework. I'm giving you seven days to get started on something. Anything from the list that I gave you earlier to get started on working on your self-esteem. And of course, that's saying afformations, but I'm not giving you that one because that's way too easy. We do it anyway on this podcast. 

So what is it going to be? Therapy? Self-help books? Shadow work? Taking better care of yourself? Stopping negative self-talk? 

Make that list. Get on it in seven days. Something actionable and measurable that you could actually do and work through. Not something pie in the sky, okay? It's too easy to just say you're going to do something and not. You are worthy of the love that you desire and being single is just one phase of your powerful journey because the love you desire is also the love of yourself, okay? I know that self-love and self-esteem are magnetic qualities that you can cultivate.

I like to close out the podcast by asking what it is you're grateful for because gratitude is the highest vibration of all. So, just take a moment and think of one thing you're grateful for. As always, I'm grateful to you for tuning in and love you for listening. And remember, when love is on the brain, asking better questions can lead to better answers.