is it weird to still want love in this day and age?

As more women step back from dating, we unpack why choosing to stay open to love, especially soulmate love, isn’t outdated… It’s powerful. If you've ever felt like your standards are too high or your heart too hopeful, this episode is your reminder that you're not alone. And you're not wrong for still wanting something extraordinary.

Highlights

• Surprising new stats about who's still looking for love (and who’s not)
• Why “you complete me” was never the goal
• A reframe for those who feel out of step for still believing in love
• The quiet power of discernment in dating

🎼Music by Jonathan Diaz

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You know that deep-down feeling that love is meant for you? That it’s supposed to be easier than this? You’re right.

Love isn’t something you chase. It’s something you attract when you shift into the energy that calls it in.

The problem isn’t you—it’s the way you’ve been taught to approach love. I help women break the cycle of overthinking and searching so they can finally start receiving the relationship they know is out there.

That’s exactly what we do in 1:1 coaching. We clear the hidden blocks keeping love just out of reach, so it stops feeling like a struggle—and starts feeling inevitable.

If that hit home, let’s talk. Book a free discovery call at https://calendly.com/kayvandunk/30min, and let’s get started on the path to the love you deserve.

Transcript

Hi and welcome, or welcome back to Love on the Brain. I'm your host, Kay Van Dunk, and I help independent women who are single, divorced, or widowed find their soulmates while staying true to their high standards. In each episode, we dive into a frustrating question you may have about love. I'll share some insights, and then we can reframe it with an afformation or ask-firmation to help you lift your spirits. If you haven't already, please subscribe and leave a great review on whichever platform you're listening to this podcast on. Your reviews help other amazing singles find this podcast too. Okay, let's jump in.

Today's question is: am I the only one still hoping for love, or is it weird to still want love? I do this as kind of two questions in one because I feel like I keep hearing this topic coming up online. I even had a conversation with a woman just on Sunday, and I felt like I had to pop on real quick and do an episode on it because this is something that I've alluded to in past episodes but seems to be bubbling up more and more. You've probably seen posts if you're online or memes or headlines about women who are deciding that they want to step away completely from the dating game. Just last week, I read an article from the Pew Center for Research—or Pew Research Center—showing that 54% of single men are looking for love. That's more than half. But only 34% of single women are looking for love, where women are clearly choosing singleness. If you've been single a while, I completely get it. I was there for a good while back in my single days. But if you're listening to this podcast, I know that something inside of you still wants love. And as complete nature of what I do, I attract the romantics, but I also attract the women who just feel like, "I'm willing to wait for the love I want."

Being single is peaceful, right? You don't have to compromise on anything. You don't have to share your space in a place that you don't want to. You know, one of the things I definitely remember from my single days was coming to my own apartment. Everything was how I wanted it. Everything was where I left it before I set out for the day. I didn't have to call anybody to say I'm going to be late, or I want to go out with my friends, or if somebody invited me last minute to the opera or ballet or to see a movie or just go out for drinks, I didn't have to check in with anyone to let them know of my whereabouts—I could just go. If you've been in enough relationships in your lifetime, and even if you haven't, you know that choosing yourself is powerful. It means that you are aware of what's going on out there. You've seen and been part of enough good and bad relationships or dates to realize that what is best for you right now is keeping your peace. And if keeping your peace means being single, then so be it.

A woman at church said that to me — that at her age, she would love to meet someone really amazing, but she also likes her complete and total freedom and not to have to deal with someone else's whims. But sometimes, even when you're single and independent and thriving, you still can get lonely. And you're not always wanting to be lonely, and that's the hard part. It's not that you're afraid of being alone—you just don't want to be lonely. Because part of you just doesn't want to choose wrong. And maybe you've chosen wrong, and you don't want to do it again. And that, I think, is a hard part.

So this is just for the woman who still wants her soulmate. Who doesn't just want somebody who's okay with being a one-night stand. Who wants more than a situationship or friends-with-benefits relationship. You want someone extraordinary. You want somebody who's gonna look like your soulmate wishlist. And not just someone who is going to be fine with you taking up the spotlight, but someone who is drawn to your shine. Not just want to be with someone who is happy for your success, but for someone who loves you because you're successful. Not just to be with someone who is happy to let you be you, but is drawn to you because of you, and is drawn to you because of everything you've done to get to this point.

I never liked that quote from Jerry Maguire when Renée Zellweger says, "You complete me," because you don't need a person or a relationship to complete you. But love is part of all the pieces that make up your life. It's not as if finding your soulmate magically will make you into the fullest version of your life, but it's part of the life that you've envisioned for yourself. Wanting love doesn't make you old-fashioned, doesn't make you out of step, doesn't make you out of tune, doesn't make you a weird, weird minority. What do I think about that? I think that that says that you're in a discerning class of women who are ready and willing to hope that they find something awesome, but fine waiting until he or she gets here. I also think it means that you have grown up and that you are able to be discerning because of your life experience—because you know what's available in the dating pool right now, and maybe you're not super impressed. You've done enough healing to be discerning. You have enough distance to be discerning. And you know that soulmate love is not the fallback plan; it is a higher standard of looking for love.

And I think that's what's missing, because I do speak to women every day out and about—not obviously women who are interested in working with me—but they don't believe in soulmate love. They don't believe it exists. They say stuff to me all the time like, "Yeah, that existed maybe in my grandmother's time, but men like that aren't around anymore. Back in the day, that kind of stuff was normal, but it's not anymore." If you think our grandparents weren't struggling, you're crazy. If you think our grandmothers all married their soulmate, you're crazy. There were a lot of women doing the best they could with what was available at the time. And more often than not, our grandparents, our parents, and great-grandparents weren't necessarily with their soulmate because that wasn't a concept that was really explored.

So because you are waiting for that—because you are looking for that—historically, that is not the norm, right? We all know that what's typical is to find someone who's close enough, settle down, and make life work. And for billions of people, for many generations, that was good enough. You are a trailblazer. You are a groundbreaker. And the person out there on the other side who's your soulmate, looking for you, feels the same way. Really, you don't think you're destined to meet each other? You're not looking for someone who's gonna rescue you. You are calling in that someone who's ready to meet you right where you are.

I can say this as someone who's been with her soulmate for fifteen years. And because I believe so strongly that this work works, that's why I decided to coach independent, successful, strong, amazing single women on how to do the same thing. Because I don't believe that having your soulmate love will make you feel like you are complete, but because you deserve it. You deserve to be with someone who is as amazing as you are. Someone who is just a wonderful addition to your life. I, Kay Van Dunk, wholeheartedly believe that this love exists even now. I believe you wouldn't be here right now if you didn't need some support, if you didn't need some inspiration or a little bit of motivation to keep going. You wouldn't be here if you didn't need a little soul food right now. And I'm going to give it to you.

So instead of today's question—which is: am I the only one still hoping for love, or is it crazy to still want love right now?—the afformation we're going to focus on is: Why does choosing love feel like a rebellion?

And that’s: why does choosing love feel like a rebellion?

Maybe it does seem like all the high-quality men are gone from the dating pool. Or the women are also not what you would hope for. Or that the numbers are against you and you're just not going to end up with your soulmate like you want. And that maybe you should stand with the other 66% of your sisterhood in deciding to not date again, even casually. But maybe because you're in the minority, you are part of a rebellion. You are part of the few who believe that soulmate love exists, and you are going to wait for it, and you are going to do the work to attract that love to you.

You are choosing to believe in something deeper. You are choosing to be seen, to be supported, loved, adored, desired. To feel safe with the soulmate that's out there looking for all those things to provide for you.

And a bright spot to the Pew research is not something you would expect. And it's that even with the number of single women not looking for love being as high as it is—and rising since the last time they did the survey before COVID—the bright spot is that divorces are down. So you could take that to mean that people are really ending up with someone they want to be with and not divorcing as often. At least that's the spin I would take on it if I wanted to see the bright side.

If you know that love still matters to you, and you're ready to call in someone extraordinary, hold the line. Stay the course, and I will help get you there.

I like to close out the podcast by asking what you're grateful for because gratitude is the highest vibration of all. So just take a moment and think of one thing that you're grateful for. As always, I'm grateful to you for listening. And remember, when love is on the brain asking better questions can lead to better answers.

Music by Jonathan Diaz