Overcoming the Communication Lie That Is Keeping You Stuck: Part 2 with Rachel Randolph

In Part 2 of Lisa’s conversation with communication strategist Rachel Randolph, the focus shifts from theory to application.

This episode is all about reclaiming your voice — especially when you feel stuck waiting for someone else to change, apologize, or participate.

Rachel breaks down a powerful mindset shift:

Moving from

“I can’t because…”

To

“In order to…, I will…”

The conversation explores:

• How to stop outsourcing your peace to someone else’s behavior
• Why self-compassion is the first step in real change
• How small, everyday moments reveal your deeper communication patterns
• The hidden cost of self-abandonment in relationships
• Why owning your voice doesn’t make you “difficult” — it makes you self-led

They also discuss the deeper impact of healing foundational relationship wounds and how that work transforms friendships, romantic relationships, and even professional dynamics.

If you’ve been feeling stuck, silenced, or hesitant to speak up — especially in the context of marriage or relationship decisions — this episode offers a grounded, practical framework to help you take your next right step.

Want more Divorce Curious goodness? Sign up for my newsletter https://lisamitchell.biz/divorce-curious

Have a comment for me or a topic you want to see covered on the podcast? Email me at lisa@lisamitchell.biz

Connect with me on Instagram at @divorcecurioushelp

Transcript

Lisa Mitchell (00:00)
Hey friends, it is your host, Lisa Mitchell. Welcome to the Divorce Curious podcast. We are starting part two of my interview with the amazing Rachel Randolph. She is the founder of the SPEC method. She is one of my favorite humans. If you've not listened to part one, I wanna encourage you to go do that now or you can really listen to them in either order, so it's fine. But in this episode,

we are gonna talk about getting really, really tactical. She is gonna walk you through a process that is gonna be so instrumental in you changing how your inner dialogue works and moving you from I can't because to taking action on in order to, I will do X, right? So moving you out of that excuse making, head trash filled space of I can't do what I wanna do in my relationship or with my communication.

and eliminating that excuses, eliminating that doubt and moving you into action for more meaningful communication, whether it's in your relationship or whether it's in your marriage, whether it's at work, whether it's with your family members. This is gonna be an episode that takes you step by step through her process of moving you forward and communicating the way you want to. So without further ado, we're gonna get into part two with Rachel Randolph.

Rachel (01:25)
I think the reason

worked at it for years was because it was killing me. It was the crux relationship that hurt me the most in my life, and what I saw in myself happening with other women, with my disruption in relationships, romantic relationships, it...

I just drew back all of the lines to my development and communication issues, relational issues, to having a shit example between my parents for one, but also that very, very early wound. And the inner child work is not about fixing the other person who did the wounding. It's about acknowledging and working on healing.

that particular area that needs addressing. And so I looked at my life and saw my mother in everything, saw my issue with my mother, saw my resistance to being in a relationship with her. I saw it everywhere. And that is why I went there. All the breadcrumbs just led back to like, will,

especially when I was struggling with female relationships because it just got under my skin so intensely and I was like, there's more to it than just the person in front of me that's triggering me. It's my 20 year back wound of abandonment by my primary female caretaker. That is...

so significant, like I can't emphasize the significance of that enough.

Lisa Mitchell (03:06)
Yeah, and I'm not laughing at your wound.

I'm just laughing at you can run, but you can't hide, Yeah.

Rachel (03:13)
that's why the

question of like, well, is running away from it working for you was the, it is funny because it's like, no, it's really not. And I didn't know what to do about it until I started doing the work that I do with others now on myself. I am my number one client is me. And I have, honestly, I have the relationships.

to prove it, to prove that my work works. And I have the peace because of my willingness to address the things that caused me stress and strife in my life. The reward is peace. And we don't have enough emphasis on the process. This is why this is my thing.

We don't have enough emphasis on the process of acquiring peace in one's own individual and unique circumstances. We just have either you're in distress and here's a bunch of pills you can take, or you're in distress and here's a bunch of podcasts you can listen to. But the actual nitty gritty day to day work is where the distress is healed and peace is on the other side.

Lisa Mitchell (04:19)
It's a powerful commercial right there. And I know it's not a commercial, it's truth. It's truth, right? It's truth. You've walked it. I've seen you walking through this process. So for somebody who says, well, yeah, Rachel, that's great for you. You had a mom that's still here and available and willing to engage with you. And it's because she participates that you're able to get peace. And my circumstances don't allow that. My partner won't.

Rachel (04:42)
Mm-hmm.

Lisa Mitchell (04:44)
engage in these conversations repeatedly or at all, or the parent that created my primary wound and abandonment isn't here anymore for me to have these conversations. So I guess I'm just SOL. I guess I'm out of luck. What do you say to people that are the other person isn't here to help me heal, so I guess I'm just going to live like this forever.

Rachel (04:51)
Hmm.

as much as it would suck, the externalization still, the need to not externalize it still applies. So what you said, this person isn't here or isn't willing or doesn't want to or just won't or any of those sentences as in thoughts that we're having, but what any, I would say gently, any excuse you're making about addressing that internally is the exact

thing to start addressing.

Lisa Mitchell (05:34)
Okay.

Rachel (05:36)
Not necessarily the person,

the place, the thing, the circumstance. Going right back to where I started with this, the story that you're telling yourself about. And that is so cliche, I literally heard other gurus say that shit and I'm just like, fuck you. But it really did end up being where I was like, dang it, like I do gotta start there. And so, and I say story and I mean inner dialogue, but inner dialogue is more elusive.

the story that we're having the conversation with ourselves about those things. If it's externalized, that is the first thing to talk to yourself about.

Lisa Mitchell (06:11)
Hmm. Okay. So if I have, if I have a story, Rachel, and I'm like, you know what? This thing still hurts me because I'm not able to, I that person is never going, doesn't have the capacity to tell me what I need to, what I need to hear or what I deserve to hear. Cause I think in a lot of the conversations I hear, there's this entitlement, I can't be okay until this person acknowledges me for X, Y, or Z. Right. I just, I can't, I want to be, I can't

Rachel (06:26)
Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Exactly, yeah.

Lisa Mitchell (06:37)
It's dependent on this person doing this thing and they don't have the capacity to do it, therefore I'm forever wounded. What would be some good maybe questions that someone could sit with that might help them start challenging that story or start helping them turn that from external dependency to internal capability?

Rachel (06:39)
Yes, please.

Hmm.

Several things show up. First is self-empathy and self-compassion. Now they're different. Empathy is relating to and compassion is being in like the muck, co-passion. Passion actually means like is rooted back to the word suffering. So I think that we use these words inaccurately sometimes. So self-compassion here is like

Lisa Mitchell (07:17)
Yeah.

Rachel (07:22)
Dang. I would say to myself, if that were me, I would say, dang, Rachel, that's really hard. And I'm really sorry that you feel that way, that you're struggling with that. That is the first, very first thing I would do. I would do that either just closing my eyes and saying it to myself, or I would journal it and have a... Sometimes I journal in I's and sometimes I journal in third person, or like, Rachel...

or sometimes I journal and You's like, you really struggled with that, I'm so sorry. That is the very first thing I would do if somebody had...

is wanting to address the struggle with somebody who isn't willing to participate. Say, I'm so sorry, that is really difficult.

And if there's any listeners that are thinking of someone or have somebody in mind, I can say to you, and I'll offer this, is I'm so sorry. That is so difficult. That is so difficult to navigate.

Lisa Mitchell (08:16)
Yeah, thank you for that. thank you on behalf of everyone listening who's God damn, this person's never gonna give me, nobody's ever gonna give me the thing I need, this sucks. Yeah, yeah.

Rachel (08:20)
God damn it!

Yeah, yeah, I'm so

sorry that that, and it does suck, valid, 100%. not that you needed validation, because you got this, but also the co-passion, compassionate part of compassionate empathy is the willingness to do, say, or act in a certain way that is with someone in their suffering.

not necessarily feel the same things as in emotional empathy and not just like, I can imagine that sucks, which is cognitive empathy. Like they all have their role, but saying something like that or being in the, that suffering and wanting to do something or say something and take an action, communication is action at the end of the day also. So that's the first, very first thing that I would do is give myself like a big

big thing of self-compassion and I would stop from there and that's all I would do just that little bit which is actually a lot.

Lisa Mitchell (09:24)
That's a lot. say that

it's one action, but it's a huge lift. Huge lift for so many of us.

Rachel (09:28)
Yes. Huge lift

and I am just like...

So if it's a huge lift, I like reckoning things to weightlifting, especially when it comes to reps like this. okay, like feel out, like wow, that was a lot, like you broke a sweat, you have some upper lip sweat after a self-compassion journal entry, like stop there. Like stop while you can look at it and see it and you didn't lose your mind.

Another thing that I think people try to do, again, going straight for the jugular, is that when they're going inward, they're just like, and they're just trying to rip all the shit out and band-aids and look at it all and they end up like in a swamp in a washing machine instead of a cognitive and empathetic to themselves and not to say like too strategic, but deliberate evaluation of what's going on. This is where in my...

process of working with people, introspection is the name of the game. It's like, okay, you did a little bit of work, now do a little bit of reflection on that little bit of work, and let it compound, and make yourself strong as you do more of this. And then when you're strong or you feel like, okay, I got that, this wasn't that bad, now... Now... Excuse me. Now you take on a little bit more and say, okay, now I'm so sorry that...

they don't want to participate, that really sucks. What can I do for myself? What do I desire to hear that I would want from them, but I could say to myself that would help me be strong? Again, a little bit of energy turned inwards about that conversation that you now feel stronger having with yourself.

And again, none of this is clinical. I made it all up. There are pieces of things everywhere in mindfulness meditation, in Taoism, in Buddhism. There are lots of different places that I take this shit from, but I didn't read a Dan Bernay Brown book and figure all of this out.

Lisa Mitchell (11:13)
But it, right.

and reword it and put a new framework around the same concepts like so many people get to go on tour because they do not naming any names.

Rachel (11:28)
God.

And it's regurgitated and you can feel

it and that's why there's still more regurgitation because it doesn't work. If that worked, we would all be done.

Lisa Mitchell (11:42)
Yeah.

Well, I think hearing, hearing you talk through this, just like one conversation with somebody externally doesn't fix it. same, same, same, right? Even though you know where you want to go. No, no.

Rachel (11:50)
And then one conversation with yourself. Yeah. Yeah.

Lisa Mitchell (11:56)
I am the, I am the poster child for rushing inner work. And I have, I have a cautionary tale quick, quick side note. I know we're going on like almost an hour, but so I decided I got into like EFT tapping, like emotional freedom technique tapping for those of you listening as like this tapping cadence where you can kind of take the, negative emotions around things. And then you tap a sequence and you kind of rewrite the script with positive emotions. Right. And it's, and it's super powerful and it's.

Rachel (12:07)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Lisa Mitchell (12:22)
helpful and amazing for so many things. But what I did is like, well, okay, if, if clearing one block energetically is good, then I'll clear all of them and I'll do it in the course of like 12 hours because just because it says this is a 12 chapter book only do one at a time, fully process and integrate. I'm like, I ain't nobody got time for that. So I'm going to do it. I I worked through the whole thing in a rush because you know, I'm efficient and

If we, if this, if one, if a little bit is good, then a whole bunch at one time is better, which is kind of like a whole theme in my life, but that's another episode. Girl, if I did not end up with shingles, I tweaked whether you believe this stuff works or not, I tweaked my nervous system to such a degree that within 12 hours, the entire, I got it on my face.

Rachel (12:56)
my god.

Lisa Mitchell (13:12)
the entire one side of my face broke out in shingles.

Rachel (13:16)
shingles. That's intense.

Lisa Mitchell (13:18)
shingles on my face. I that if that let's just be a cautionary tale that when Rachel says this is an incremental and ongoing process and do one little thing and sit and journal and integrate and and then do the next incremental thing, I please listen to her and I'm not saying you would get shingles. But I'm just saying when you are shifting energy in your body, depending on how

Rachel (13:23)
Take your time.

Lisa Mitchell (13:41)
compassionate you are with yourself and patient you are with yourself, results may vary. And if you try to go in the fast lane, you might get shingles. So do that, do with that what you will. But I always share, I'm like, listen, I'm going to just post your child myself of shit not to do. Don't rush. Don't rush.

Rachel (13:46)
my gosh.

Yeah. Kidding. Be careful also

having like a three hour twerk session because opening up all those emotions in your hips also has varying results, which is something that happened a few weeks ago where I literally quit and broke down my whole business. I was like, fuck all of this. And if there was a virtual fire lighter, I would have, that was what happened.

Lisa Mitchell (14:09)
See.

Rachel (14:22)
Emotionally, mentally, physically, I couldn't stop crying for like four days because it was basically a breakup with my business. I was like, I'm not doing this anymore. You don't treat me good. And I had all of this emotional buildup of doing something I'm so passionate about. I love so much. People need, they tell me it's great, this all this stuff, but it doesn't. And this is a tale of things taking a long time when they

when they need to take a long time too because I really compare myself and my business to where I think it should be and that is a conversation that I was neglecting having in myself of like stop putting that pressure on something that doesn't have organization yet, stop.

And that was actually like I blamed, I externalized my unhappiness to my business. It wasn't even a person, but it is an entity. kind of literally and figuratively you might relate with that, but.

Lisa Mitchell (15:19)
Yeah, it's an energetic body for sure.

Rachel (15:21)
It's an energetic body.

So I mean, I just went through the idea of I didn't intend or like, I'm gonna twerk my way into a revolution with my business. it kind of happened that way because there's a lot of energy stored in our bodies that if tapping, shaking, any of these things, like they are ancient. They are not new age. This is not something that, it was like, awesome.

you know, spiritual guru in a wybram hat and yoga pants said, twerk your way into freedom. It's like, no, mean, they were dan- they're dancing to heal and release stuff for thousands of years. and so I would say I love using the word energy here because when there's an external entity, it is pulling energy away from you. You're giving the story about what so-and-so will or won't do is an energetic drain. And I

position communication skills as energetic protection, energetic force in yourself. And this is another part of communication skills that is crickets. There's no addressing the energetic and spiritual component of the power of communication skills as a healing and personal freedom utilization tool. Like...

Lisa Mitchell (16:19)
Very much, very much, yeah.

No, plenty of stuff around it for like forming cults and, you know, inciting violence, but nothing really around like the positive energetic body of communication.

Rachel (16:39)
Yeah.

Totally and then

looking at you know a bird's-eye view of communication skills would be every single thing that's happening in the world as a result of communication skills whether what you think about it is Variable, but you can't look away from how we all have the same most of us I'm gonna say disability disabilities not included with different forms of speech and different forms of utilizing communication because

There's a thing called telepathy tapes, this is a side quest, but it's basically about telepathy being used in autistic children, or not being used, but being discovered and studied in autistic children. So that's another thing, which actually I think is where we're headed, where there is a morse. And I feel like I'm on the helm of this in my own world and intuitively, which is why I won't give up the bit.

on the energetic and spiritual components of communication skills, because I'm like, you guys, like, it is going to surpass what is said. It already is. Why can we walk into a room and feel the energy shift? How does everyone understand and relate to that, but we can't explain it because of the energetics of our emotional bodies interacting with each other? Anyways, getting passionate on that one. So, and that is part of what I incorporate.

Lisa Mitchell (18:02)
Yes. Love it.

Rachel (18:05)
It's philosophical, sure, we can concept all day long about what would be great about communication skills or what people should do or shouldn't do, but it boils down no matter what to what we think, feel, and can do. The information age on regurgitating information is over. It's a dying paradigm where somebody can get away with doing that. We need to see proof. We need to see them in action. And if the results are a war...

that person sucks. We should get them away from being able to have a voice on, and then people who are saying things and are using their ability to communicate their way into changes that are positive and meaningful and humanitarian based need more support. And I think we're at that phase where we're done with an old crusty.

dying moldy paradigm and the way that we communicate is a direct byproduct, result of, byproduct of, however you want to view it, certain people communicating in a certain way. And I say, what are we doing today? Why is communication so important and key and we can register that, but we don't do anything differently about it in our own personal lives. And that is what I am like.

Lisa Mitchell (19:13)
Agreed.

Rachel (19:25)
gracefully screaming.

Lisa Mitchell (19:26)
I love it. can't wait to see. know you're

in it. You're on it. You're in it. Great, great, great things, great and powerful things will come from it. And I am here for it.

Rachel (19:37)
But it's not just me. It's not for

just one person. we all want, it starts with that personal freedom that I was talking about before and our inner and external worlds being contingent with the, cohesive with each other through these practices, through grounding in breath work and registering the external world and then breathing and regulating our nervous systems through breathing, through that connection.

our understanding of emotions, our understanding of energetic influences that are both our people, places, things, circumstances, ideas, beliefs, it all carries an energy and our ability to interpret, intercept and not have a reaction to, but interpret internally and then have a different output is all within our power, all within.

all within just the ability to use words.

Lisa Mitchell (20:30)
I love that. all have far more power, I think, than most of us are comfortable owning. And I think when it comes to specifically the inflection point that a lot of people that are listening to this are at, when it's in that.

Rachel (20:37)
Fair enough.

Lisa Mitchell (20:52)
Gosh, if I really, if I really acknowledge my power, I might make decisions that are more difficult, Or I might, I might, if I, if I really own my power, if I really use my communication, if I really advocate for myself in the way that is self-focused and not externally focused, there's going to be, there's going to be some outcomes, right? There's going to be some, there's going to be some, A, I might have to do things I'm not comfortable doing or, or that are going to come with a big.

And, and I think think think point. that's good point. I think good I think I think good point. I think good good good think think I that's a good point. I think a good point.

Rachel (21:26)
Mm.

Lisa Mitchell (21:31)
What advice might you have to someone who's like knows maybe they, what they could and should do or what would be best for them, but just are like, boy, that feels like a lot to, it feels like a lot for me to own right now. I might act like I don't know, or I might not communicate what I know I need to communicate right now.

Rachel (21:48)
Yeah,

you're gonna kill me for saying start small. Start small and start slow. I'll give you an example of this as like very, just, okay, so we've addressed the idea of having a different conversation with yourself and the willingness to have a different conversation with yourself of like, dang, I am neglecting my communicative power. Okay, that was week one.

Lisa Mitchell (21:52)
I'm not, I love it. Right.

Rachel (22:12)
Just the one can take a whole week with it. And then the next week would be like reflecting on some benign ways. No one's hurt. There's no high stakes. What are some benign ways this lack of empowerment in my voice shows up? Barista gets your drink wrong at Starbucks and you drink it or throw it out instead of going back and asking for a new one.

that is a very benign way of addressing where it's coming from, which could be people pleasing. You think you're gonna get in trouble. You think you're gonna inconvenience someone. You think that you're a burden or wasting their time. Like all of the story that comes from dialed into that very little moment of I'm not gonna say anything.

Lisa Mitchell (22:57)
All of that led to me, that entire process you just stepped out led to me drinking the most subpar, unsatisfying boba tea I've ever had in my entire life last Friday night. And it's usually so good and it was so bad and I just like all of it. I know, anyways, sorry. But yes, I'm familiar with that process.

Rachel (23:05)
Not bubble tea too, no.

the level of disappointment.

Well, those are the... Me too, me

too. that's where it's... I encourage my clients to start. I was like, don't go for the big stuff. Like, God, that sounds terrible. Like again, I empathize heavily with people telling me their experiences. I'm like, not yet, there's month three. Hold on. Let's do the bubble tea experience first. And yeah, would, I won't say like go out of your way to...

have something go wrong or be inconvenienced. But any moment that you feel like there's a story around why you can or can't do something, you're an inconvenience or you're burden, like any of those words, those are the exact moments to start looking at. And not necessarily like, got it, it takes practice. Starts with that conversation in your head of like, that was a moment where I felt like I would be an inconvenience if I spoke up and said, you got my drink?

You don't have to say it, but like, this is where I feel like people also change into that they are gonna be some type of jerk or asshole all of a sudden after like a lifetime of being a kind person. And you're like, I'm returning my drink, I'm an asshole. It's like, where did that come from? And that is also part of the inner conversation of like, why do I think that this is something that makes me a bad person? Because I think at the core,

of people, anyone wanting to work on their communication skills, they are a good person. They are someone who's proactive about wanting to develop themselves, probably all your listeners. And it's these benign little incremental moments of self-deception or self-betrayal or self-littling that turn into when we let other people external or other situations external from us do it to us and then there's a whole victimization cycle.

I know, know, vomit.

Lisa Mitchell (25:06)
just stabbed me right in the

heart. It just stabbed me right in the fricking heart because man, no, it's good, it's good medicine, it's good, it's good medicine, it's good, it's good. It's just smacking a little familiar right now, Rachel. You can just crawl right on out of my head right now.

Rachel (25:10)
If you need a moment to go throw up, can pause. But that's where it starts.

It's just super common. That's why

it's smackin'. It's what I went through in my own way. I would rather have nailed my tongue to a table than spoke up about something that bothered me. For real. And I'll never forget, I wrote about it on LinkedIn and I had an anxiety attack by writing about it on LinkedIn when I told the story about speaking up to

my ex-boss and I was like, hey, and it was so polite, it was appropriate, it was, I was like, hey, that's not cool. And I like lost my, I knew I sacrificed my job that day and my like, I was in the good with him, but I found a moment of like, whoa, I didn't.

explode, I wasn't aggressive, I didn't curse, I wasn't angry, I just sat there and said to myself, that's not cool. And then I said out loud, that's not cool. You don't need to talk to her about her like that. And then I watched him deflate and get defensive and have this reaction, I was like, whoa, I didn't...

like say anything that would have evoked me. And that showed me that I can have a voice and it doesn't make me loud or mean or aggressive or a bitch or anything like that. Any of the story around that has been put on vocalization in general, like men are scared to speak up too. It's not necessarily just a woman being suppressed thing.

Lisa Mitchell (26:39)
Hey bud, big feelings there, huh?

right.

Rachel (27:07)
The men that I work with are the most compassionate, sensitive, introspective, self-reflective people and leaders, and they still hit that I don't want to say anything because it will be blank. Fill in the... Fill in the blank. And though... Again, I'll go back to the conversation that we're having with ourselves. Whatever you fill in the blank with, I don't want to speak up because that is your work.

Lisa Mitchell (27:23)
Yeah.

Rachel (27:33)
That is your reflection point.

Lisa Mitchell (27:35)
Ooh, I just, I played along in my head and I'm like, ⁓ I got, I got homework. You just gave me homework. You just, I, I, I, it's in flux, so I can't speak on it, but I know exactly what my assignment is because there is that I have that I can't because I have a story about that right now in my head and it's, it's my homework now.

Rachel (27:39)
What was it?

Yeah.

Well,

I think self-initiation is where we're headed. Our leaders have failed. We're not even saying they're failing. They have failed. It's post-mortem failure at this point. And so what are people like you and I, leaders in our own rights, in our own communities, self-led, supposed to do? And encourage self-leadership and self-leadership.

Lisa Mitchell (28:09)
Right.

Rachel (28:21)
stems from, in my opinion, self-initiation into the hard shit. And so this, maybe it doesn't feel that magnanimous to say the reason I can't blank is because of blank is the work, but it is a slow chipping away and because not addressing it is a slow erosion of power or self-esteem and confidence. And the inverse can be true when you start building it up, that becomes your strength.

Lisa Mitchell (28:47)
I love it. I love it. Okay, so I'm gonna guess, I'm gonna guess when you did the I can't because blank, everybody listening to this also involuntarily gave themselves homework. So, because I don't know anybody at any point who isn't sitting on something because of a story in their head.

that either leads to avoidance or self abandonment or denial or prolonged unhappiness, or I mean, pick, pick your negative outcome, nothing, ain't nothing good coming from caging yourself into a story that's, that's not true. Right. So everybody collectively listening to this, my divorce curious friends here, do your homework, listen to this again, if you need to. mean, Rachel basically gave you free coaching.

Rachel (29:17)
Sure.

I can't do

it.

Lisa Mitchell (29:30)
The play by play of her process of start small, know, identify the story challenges story, right? Like it's all, it's all in here. It's all, all the goodness is in here. I'm not going to rehash it. might be in show notes. We'll see how much energy I have when it comes time to do those, listen to the episode again, take notes, create your framework. And then if you're like, Hey, this is great, but I might not have the discipline to do this. Or I feel like I'm missing a piece. You're going to hit up Rachel.

And you, she, she gives so you, you do so much free coaching on LinkedIn, like so much. Every post is a banger. There's something actionable out of everything. There's so much truth that you speak, which is so refreshing and the cesspool of self congratulatory bullshit and posturing that, that precludes you in the feed. so.

Rachel (30:01)
Aww. ⁓

Lisa Mitchell (30:19)
Where else, how else can people connect with you, Rachel? Because I know you've challenged a lot of people. They're probably like, damn it. wish I didn't listen to this episode because now I have homework and it's really important. They'll thank you for it. Once, once we're done being like, right. What's, what's we're done with that part. We'll thank you for it. How do, how do people, how do people get more of, of you and your process?

Rachel (30:27)
my god.

Go back to the self-compassion part.

No. ⁓

Yeah,

and I love that you said that because I did every quarter maybe I do these free hour long strategy sessions with people and the last couple I did they were just like, yeah, I need more of this. Like, where do I sign up? So I feel not because of the outcome, but because I feel happy giving away this process, like seeing and feeling and hearing it rather than just promising and

whatever will happen from there, which will probably be magic, because I know myself. But a lot of the way that I've done this really does result in such beautiful transformations and portals. I go through it myself all the time. It's something sustainable instead of something that will just hit like a good dopamine hit, like, I fixed the problem. It's like.

Lisa Mitchell (31:15)
There will be.

Rachel (31:34)
Well, what happens to the next problem? Like, do you have an internally developed system to do that? And so my segue is like, that is what I teach people to do is create a sustainable system that's customized to themselves for these things. Whatever their circumstances are, obviously if it needs more emotional stuff or it's really trauma with a T, that is not my...

my bread and butter. My bread and butter is for the people who have been doing this type of work for some amount of time, usually at least a decade, and have come up a little short on how that inner conversation goes and its results in their external communication. So where to get the most out of interacting with me is LinkedIn, for sure. That is the only place I enjoy being. It's crazy that I would ever say that. ⁓

Lisa Mitchell (32:28)
You

Rachel (32:29)
If you

told me six years ago that I would be like, love being on LinkedIn, who knew? ⁓ So I love being on there because it is where the emotionally intelligent, depending on your feed, but mine is, the emotionally intelligent social network where people are still appropriate, where we don't, it isn't tolerated to be an asshole really and people call it out.

Lisa Mitchell (32:32)
I know girl, I had to say, right? Right? Who knew? Who knew?

Rachel (32:54)
pretty readily, I see, in my community at least. And so I feel that that is the best place to watch my videos, watch and read my posts, interact with my comment section, which I feel like is really thoughtful people adding different ideas to what my ideas are. ⁓ It's where the lore of my work is built also, which is kind of a fun idea.

Lisa Mitchell (33:11)
Yeah, your comment section is the best. It is all high quality people in there.

Rachel (33:19)
you know, like a decade from now will be like looking at my comment section, right? I don't know what'll happen in a decade, but God, I hope there's a comment section still. And engaging with people that are also involved in this type of work is also part of the self-initiation process is not a solitary thing, even if it's a self-initiation.

Then the second place that I would tell people to go hang out is my website where I do have a lot of writing. I've tried to keep up with my blog, but honestly my blog is my LinkedIn. But I do have several free resources on there, including my Journey of Conversation ebook, which is Amazon published three years ago. I get to never talk about it. ⁓ And and then I also have a podcast called

Lisa Mitchell (34:07)
Yeah, yeah.

Rachel (34:13)
Yeah. ⁓ There is a podcast called the Spec Method podcast, and that is where I host conversations just like this, where I'm engaging with somebody from all walks of life, all different types of modalities, different parts of healing journeys, ages, lots of different ages and demographics, speaking about how introspection

Lisa Mitchell (34:13)
Right. I'm like, are you burying the lead here? Because I happen to know there's a pretty amazing podcast out there that you host.

Rachel (34:38)
turns into their work, into their passions, into their self-expression. Those are the three places that you can interact with me.

Lisa Mitchell (34:45)
Yeah, I love it. would, I would recommend all of them. if one is easier or more consistent for you to follow, make that your primary, but, but definitely connect with Rachel on all three. And I am super, super grateful that that fateful, enduring.

Rachel (34:49)
Yeah. ⁓

Lisa Mitchell (35:02)
And during life changing coffee meeting, ⁓ I'll shut a restaurant down with you anytime because it is, it has been just one of the most joy bringing authentic. yeah, you challenge me, you support me, you speak truth to me, whether I want to hear it or not. You call me on my bullshit, which I think is infinitely amazing and brave of you because I don't always receive it graciously. I always appreciate it.

Rachel (35:25)
Aww.

Lisa Mitchell (35:30)
Doesn't mean I want it at the time. No, but I just, feel really lucky to, to, know you and to know the power of your work and to have experienced the benefit of your work. And thank you for the homework on behalf of the entire divorce curious community. We, we thank you for the homework and for the tools to the cheat sheet to help us, you know, do the work and do it in a way that really benefits and empowers us all. thank you.

Rachel (35:42)
No.

Mm.

Yeah.

Lisa Mitchell (35:56)
Thank you for sharing your brilliance and your beauty and your wisdom with us today. And we're all better off for having tuned into this episode. So yeah, just all the appreciation and gratitude here from the Divorce Curious side of the house.

Rachel (36:00)
Thank you. Yeah.

Why I want to

echo, I want to take a moment before listeners, before you shut it down and don't let me love on you a little bit because I remember that six hour coffee like it was yesterday or earlier today maybe. And I don't know who put us in contact. I think it might've been Rebecca. I remember walking away from that feeling like I had a true comr-

comrade in what I was trying to do. Before anything, before anything had started, I was... I had nothing on paper or started, and I just told you my idea and you're like, hell yeah, that sounds great. And... And I... I have battled the women in my life.

over this journey trying to mommy me, trying to mentor me, or kicking me out of spaces because I had different opposing ideas, even though I've always been myself. And I just ate that for a little while. And you never, ever, ever did that or made me feel like I didn't have a value in your life. And you are like 10 years older than me. But I put...

Lisa Mitchell (37:15)
at least.

Rachel (37:15)
I... It's a really good moment of how the story of another person can inform your perspective of them, because when I went to that coffee, my story of you blew up, evaporated, because you were the communication coach in Indie that everyone referred to as an expert and brilliant and magnificent and follow her... Along with her. And...

How could I not have, no, how could I, you are, but how could I not have compared? And this is an honest reflection of how comparison doesn't have to stay as the story. It doesn't have to. And I learned that from you like instantly because of that experience. And like we do those things for each other. We call out or we challenge or we open up topics that are difficult or confusing and muddy.

Lisa Mitchell (37:44)
It's all marketing.

Rachel (38:10)
and we talk about them together and you've always self-led and shown me how to self-lead also. In a way, like you never tried though and I think that's almost the more important point on this is that you never ever ever made me feel like you were trying to show me the, show me the path or show me the way things were done. You, you, I don't know, maybe you just recognized like, attract like kind of thing and you're like, all right, cool.

Lisa Mitchell (38:36)
no idea what I'm doing 99 % of the time. And I have never seen you as anything, but an, an esteemed and brilliant colleague and a trailblazer and an innovator and someone who challenges me to think how else, how else can I do this and how can I do it better? And so there's, in my opinion, never been anything but level ground from, from the jump. And, yeah, I think it's.

Rachel (38:53)
We do that together.

Lisa Mitchell (39:01)
I think it's great. inspire, you inspire me, you do it. It's such a great compliment and such a great variance and how we work and approach and think and life and live. I mean, just, we have far more things different in every way than we have in common. And yet it's like, soul sister forever, total equal. yeah, I just say, I think it's beautiful and I appreciate you for that. So thank you.

Rachel (39:16)
You

It is really beautiful.

is.

It is life-changing to have supportive female friendships. Life-changing. And that is kind of the last thing that I want to say on this is like I have beautiful male relationships. I love that I work with men. My relationship with my parents, blah, blah, But I... Okay, this is the through line to the whole story. I knew deep in my heart that...

Lisa Mitchell (39:33)
Agreed.

Rachel (39:50)
my relationships with women wouldn't get better until I understood how to have a relationship with my mother. And I'm not saying that could apply or should apply to anyone else, but I knew because it was the dagger in my heart. And when I started working on that, I'm continuously working on it, but when I started working on that and started really putting attention and trying to have good female relationships, be a good female friend,

be ⁓ a sister-like relationship, woman to woman, supportive, honest, direct, encouraging, loving, nurturing, like all of those things that I always wanted and never got, so I didn't learn how to do them. And I work, I fucking worked at it. And to be able to have friendships that have lasted as, have a friend who is almost 20 years, we've been friends almost 20 years.

To be able to reconnect, to connect with new friends, to make those long lasting relationships, I believe they stemmed from me working on that number one relationship that ate at me. And now I enjoy the benefits and the camaraderie of other women that there's no cattiness, no passive aggressiveness, no indirect.

weirdness and comparison and it's not everybody but as soon as I start sensing that I have a very easy time of saying, no that's you know, blessed be your path. Not for me. Be well. Wish you well, be well, wish you well on your path. And I have no qualms with like wiping my hands from that or like, what is she gonna think? is she gonna talk back? It's none of that. And I just genuinely understand how

Lisa Mitchell (41:17)
Wish you well.

Rachel (41:32)
how important good female relationships are. There are things that we can do for each other that are so intangibly important. That's my last bit. And you are a female friend that I have... I mean, it takes work because there are different life changes and we lose contact and there has to be some patience and that's another part of communication with relationships. And what I want to say is I think because we have looked at something

Lisa Mitchell (41:43)
I love it.

Rachel (41:57)
like communication to the depths that we've looked at it that and built like built a world our worlds around it.

that's maybe how we're able to do it.

But I don't think you need to. That's another thing. I think just some of these practices go a long, long, long way. You don't have to make your whole life about communication, divorce, curious listeners.

Lisa Mitchell (42:07)
I think so. Yeah.

Rachel (42:18)
I'm just obsessed with it. It is so helpful. I actually do feel like you should get a little bit more obsessed with communication skills because it will pay dividends.

Lisa Mitchell (42:19)
No, but it is helpful and we would recommend it. Right, ⁓ we both love it. We're big fans.

Well, yeah, I mean, I think just to your, mean, how valuable is just that thinking through the, can't because right. Just that line of when you're thinking like, well, I can't text her because we haven't talked in a year. Well, who cares? you have the story that that'll feel like, they won't, they're, they don't value your friendship or they wouldn't appreciate hearing from you. And so you get in your own way of deepening friendships, or if you're dating with somebody, can't disclose this because that they'll judge me.

Rachel (42:40)
Exactly. Yeah. Who cares?

Lisa Mitchell (42:57)
They probably won't. Right? So I, I just think if, if you don't take anything else out of this episode today, when you feel that friction or you start questioning or you want to do something and you retract, I can't, because like say it out loud or write it down and then challenge it. Because I feel like we get an R I know, I know for a fact I get, I have sold relationship short and friendship short because of my

Rachel (43:09)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lisa Mitchell (43:25)
I can't because I'll, I have cut off good things because of my own, can't because story in my head, one party, right? Not with very little evidence or no evidence to lead me to that conclusion besides my own head trash. And what a shame it would have been if we would have left that coffee and then been well, I can't reach, I can't reach out to Rachel because.

We both are in communication consultant, like, know, like whatever bullshit we could have put on ourselves. And that would have been it. Yeah.

Rachel (43:51)
Totally, totally. And I want to finish

the, the I can't because sentence, fill in the blank of, I can't because blank. And when I was like, in order to blank, which might be a goal or a way that you do want to be, I want to add the, the, the integration into that. I can't because blank. But in order to blank, I will, must, need to try, challenge myself to...

fill in your phrasing of choice, whatever gets your ass in motion, I guess, I must blank. So for me, it was like I can't have a good relationship with my mother, but in order to heal myself and move forward in my life, I must find a way to build that relationship again.

just an immediate application.

Lisa Mitchell (44:45)
That's the kicker. That's the kicker right there. I can't because but in order to, yes. I love it. It's the antidote.

Rachel (44:47)
Because that gives you an action item. That gives you an action item. without... Because a

lot of interest... This is where also I saw people spinning their wheels as, like, very self-aware, self-abuse, or could turn into self-abuse. And then introspection also could turn into self-abuse where you're just circling the same, can't because, I can't because. Okay, cool. Now what? And then now what is the, well, in order to help myself...

Lisa Mitchell (45:07)
Great.

Rachel (45:15)
With myself. For myself.

Gold. Even for me, I'm just like, yeah, I'm gonna go do a couple of those when we get off.

Lisa Mitchell (45:17)
Gold, gold, gold. Yeah, that's good.

That's good. All right. I love it. I'm going to, feel like my show notes are going to be like a novel in and of itself, but it's going to be worth it. This may end up being two episodes. We may split this and do one and two. mean, who knows? It's it. I can do whatever I want. It's my podcast. So,

Rachel (45:38)
Hear, hear.

Lisa Mitchell (45:39)
Right. So stay tuned, stay tuned. But I feel like the last, I feel like we got like a bonus episode just on the beauty of girl gangs, right? And the beauty of that. So I don't know how this is going to edit. That's not my job. I'm just here to have good conversations with great people and hopefully help, you know, help my divorce curious friends continue to stay curious and have better tools to help figure out.

Rachel (45:46)
Yeah.

You did a good job.

Lisa Mitchell (46:05)
the next right thing, which is what we're always here to do, Is friends, we're just here to think about what is the next best thing for you. And it's not your last decision. It's just your next decision. So take the pressure off, But now you have, now you have some good data points. You have some new tools, you have some ways to evaluate, help and empower yourself. So it should be a lot easier to feel good about the next decision. That's right for you right now. So I don't know any other, any better way to wrap it up than that. Rachel.

You're amazing. love you. I'm so grateful that you were here and that now so many other people know you and have your tools and are going to follow you on LinkedIn and listen to your podcast and all the amazing things. So thank you so much.

Rachel (46:42)
Yay. Thank you.

Love you. Bye.

Lisa Mitchell (46:47)
I love you too. All right, until next time friends, stay curious.