What is Wu?

In this episode, Poppy shares her experience attending a seven-day silent Buddhist meditation retreat, an endeavor she thought would bring her spiritual insights and emotional restoration, but turned out to be an intense journey filled with unexpected challenges and revelations. 

Upon entering the retreat, she recounts being stripped of her daily conveniences, including her smartphone and smartwatch, and having to relinquish connections to the outside world. 

During the retreat, she found herself discovering the strict rules governing her silence. Despite the structure in place, she couldn't help but notice how many participants struggled with maintaining the silence. She laughed at the camaraderie that formed amongst the group in whispers and the weird emotional currency that became their shared experience. 

The food itself was a lesson in minimalism— bland rice and unseasoned vegetables served during their medicine meals. She struggled with the simplicity of it all and became increasingly aware of the communal aspect of their dining experiences. They ate in silence, clinging to their chopsticks, aware of each other’s mannerisms yet keenly focused on their own meditative practices. As she faced her own doubts and dysphoria in these daily meals, her patience and sense of humor began to stretch thin.

Throughout the days, guided meditations honed them into being more present and aware of their existence and breath, but the flooding thoughts of who she was reverberated throughout her mind. It wasn't until she indulged in a walking meditation on a secluded trail that the depth of her questions came to a peak. She began to wonder who exactly was dragging around this 'corpse' that she felt so pinned beneath. As threads of realization wrapped around her consciousness, she oscillated between feelings of emptiness and grappling with the overwhelming beauty of existence.

The retreat’s structure served to intensify her internal joys and struggles. Moments of joy were often intertwined with the chaos of silence breaking in the form of random farting from participants, showing how laughter and bodily functions bridged their human experience even in the most serious settings. Her interactions with others became a blend of compassion and irritation, as she saw all sides of humanity on display—each struggle magnified by the silence they had adherently agreed upon.

As the days progressed, she encountered a strange dynamic—the slight boundaries of interactions led to interesting relationships, as one woman seemed to latch onto her for support. The increased tension, while sometimes amusing, forced her to connect deeper with my own frustrations, desires, and realizations about being back in the outer world after such an intrapersonal expedition.

One of the most profound moments was the eerie interruption of what sounded like hellish screams echoing from the depth of the wilderness. They were moved from their meditative state into a collective panic, breaking their silence momentarily as they gathered united in fear and curiosity. It was here that she learned the fragility of their intentions and the absurdity of it—while they severed ties with ordinary life, the chaos of existence remained ever-present.

By the end of this transformative week, Poppy realized that she needed to leave this environment that had begun feeling oppressive rather than enlightening. She felt the weight of her truths, experiences, and the innate need for connection pulling her to return home. With newfound clarity, she drove away from the reactions of the retreat, embracing the beautiful noise of the world and the love that awaited her, finally recognizing that my journey was twofold. It was a path of both nothingness and connection—inner and outer, silence and sound.

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:21

Oh, hello. Hello, hello, hello. We're back. It's been a while. Winter's maybe ending. Who knows? Still cold to me out there.

SPEAKER_04 0:34

Have you been, my lady?

SPEAKER_05 0:36

Well, you know, it's not been the best four months. My mother died.

SPEAKER_04 0:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 0:41

So just get it out of the way. Yeah. She was anyway, it sucks. Yeah. So I've been wandering the road of grief, perimenopause. Yeah. And a recent diagnosis of PMDD.

SPEAKER_04 0:57

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 0:58

And you know what? I haven't been alone on this road.

SPEAKER_04 1:01

You have not.

SPEAKER_05 1:02

You've been suffering with me.

SPEAKER_04 1:05

Yes. There's a lot of tiptoeing and uh walking on eggshells. It's hard to know. It's hard to know what's what say I can expect. Oh shit. It's hard to know what kind of flaps I can expect.

SPEAKER_05 1:19

It's hard for me to know. In fact, I don't even know when it isn't me.

SPEAKER_04 1:25

Right. I know when it is. You do.

SPEAKER_05 1:27

And then you if you dare try to tell me, it doesn't go so well, does it?

SPEAKER_04 1:31

It doesn't. It's like telling a delusional person.

SPEAKER_05 1:35

I'm basically mildly psychotic half the month.

SPEAKER_04 1:38

Yeah. Yeah. But we're working through it. Working through it. I still love you. And look, we've both had our psychotic moments.

SPEAKER_05 1:45

So we have. We've so journeyed. And you know, I'm hopeful though. I think some things are gonna shake out. But yeah. So anyway, we're back. We're gonna We're back.

SPEAKER_04 1:58

And we're we're both sane today.

SPEAKER_05 2:00

Yeah, because yesterday you told me to up my Lexapro. And it worked, didn't it? It did work. It felt amazing. Yep. Within the hour of it. Yeah. So yeah. Enough about me. Yeah, well, I've had quite a week.

SPEAKER_04 2:20

I went Yeah, it's I've been waiting to for the podcast to talk about it. I also needed uh a day or two to kind of absorb what felt like a dream. Yeah. Almost a nightmare, but in a great way.

SPEAKER_05 2:39

You signed up for this and actually paid. I did pay. Go somewhere to not speak, to bring your own linens.

SPEAKER_04 2:49

Well, let's just tell the audience, the listeners, I went to a seven-day silent Buddhist meditation retreat, which I've done in the past, but not at this particular retreat. I've gone to different locations. And they're always hell. They're always uh uh you know extremely challenging. But I end up I end up emerging with some spiritual insights and feeling spiritually restored. Emotionally. Emotionally, I I become more patient in general. Yeah. It's needed right now. And it is needed right now. So really it was a selfless act as well because I wanted to come back a better mother and a better wife to you. Let's get into it. I got to the retreat, and one of the reasons I picked this retreat over the one I used to go to, and I uh mind you, I haven't been to a silent meditation Buddhist retreat since before Oscar was born. Pegasus. Since before Pegasus was born. So it's been a long time. Six years. So this one, the reason I chose it is because you you get your own room. Whereas the one I used to go to, you had to bunk with other people. And I'm too old for that shit. So I get to the retreat and I go to the reception and I have to hand them my phone and my smartwatch.

SPEAKER_05 4:31

Your smartwatch. Your smartwatch.

SPEAKER_04 4:46

So I um they give you a little pouch with a lock. Yeah. And I they said write your final text. And I tried to write a final text, but there was no service.

SPEAKER_05 4:58

It did not come through because what else did you do to pre-game for your retreat?

SPEAKER_04 5:02

I did stop at a restaurant slash bar.

SPEAKER_05 5:07

And how much wine did you put down?

SPEAKER_04 5:09

I had one glass, but it was more like a goblet. They gave me a goblet of wine. Goblet of wine, my last meat. It was a Pinot Noir. Oh, Pinot Noir. And it wasn't bad for a bar kind of wine. Sure. A chicken wrap. And I I knew that was going to be the last piece of meat I would have. I did clean the plate.

SPEAKER_05 5:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:30

I had the whole wrap and the fries. So I had a last meal, and then it was time and I was a little, you know, anxious about going because I know it's the closest thing to hell I will ever. Yeah. Yeah, you would you're paying someone to incarcerate you. Yeah. So now the reason I do this is because I get some I get some deep spiritual insights. Awakenings, I would say, not abiding awakenings, more like peak experiences that I later integrate into my daily life. Beep ba boop. Beep baop. So I go to the reception and they say, uh, give me your phone, give me your credit card. Spo smile watch. Give me your pouch. And they gave me a pouch, which I've never had to put my phone in a locked pouch. I put my phone in the pouch and they lock it.

SPEAKER_05 6:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 6:22

Throw away the key. And then they give it back to me, but it's locked. So I can keep it in my room, but it's in a locked pouch. Did they take any sharp objects from you? No.

SPEAKER_05 6:33

Guess you can sold it out if you wanted.

SPEAKER_04 6:36

I could have cut it somehow, but there were no CCs.

SPEAKER_05 6:39

Turn off the ringer? Because that would be They Well, they said to turn off the phone.

SPEAKER_04 6:44

Oh yeah. Yeah. They watch you do that. So I got to the dormitories.

SPEAKER_05 6:50

When bed.

SPEAKER_04 6:51

And what was funny was there was a woman taking a selfie of herself in front of the dormitories, which are really nondescript.

SPEAKER_05 7:00

I mean Well, maybe it was like, you know the show alone or naked and afraid, the before and after. Yeah. They lose like 35 pounds.

SPEAKER_04 7:09

Right. Well, I might have lost 35 pounds based on the diet they uh they offered. But so I get to the dormitory and there's little slippers. Because you got to take off your shoes.

SPEAKER_05 7:21

Did you bring them home? The slippers? Yeah. No. They're not to keep.

SPEAKER_04 7:25

Oh no, actually I brought my own my own Birkenstock slippers for inside.

SPEAKER_05 7:29

Got it. Thank you for uh sponsoring us, Bergenst Bergenst. Birkenstocks. Yeah. Bergenstock's a longtime supporter of Twab. You can get twenty-five to forty-five percent off if you get it. 45% off. They love us over there. So go to Bergenstock.com slash Twab. Anyway, as you're saying. I don't remember if we had dinner first or were there little like slash marks in your wooden desk from other prisoners?

SPEAKER_04 7:59

Well, I'll tell you about that because we get to I think we have a a light dinner, which they call a medicine meal.

SPEAKER_05 8:07

In English they say that medicine meal?

SPEAKER_04 8:09

Yeah, I think the dinner is the most sort of modest meal because it's as they say, it's sustenance for you to follow the Buddhist path. It's really just for the purpose. You're like Oliver Twist. It's really just for the purpose of fulfilling the Buddhist past. Yeah. But calories. No seasoning. It's very monk-like. I mean, you get rice every fucking day for for lunch and dinner was rice. Yeah. And vegetables. And I must say there were vegetables that I hadn't even tried in my life. And I didn't even know existed.

SPEAKER_05 8:49

How were they?

SPEAKER_04 8:50

Blend. You know, blend. Uh oh. Here comes Pegasus. Hey baby. What's up?

SPEAKER_01 8:57

I threw up. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_04 8:59

You threw up? Oh. Sure, it's fine. Oscar, did you gag? Was it real vomit or just made you gag? The broccoli made you gag. Okay. Are you okay? Alright. Just have some water. Yeah, take it easy. Will you close that door? Close the door behind you, baby. Yeah, just give us a 45. You can eat in 45 minutes.

SPEAKER_05 9:29

So where was I? Well, in your absence, while I slowly lost my mind with Roberta, I um signed us up for Costco again. And I'm sorry to tell you this, but we have a twenty-five-pound bag of rice here.

SPEAKER_04 9:45

Oh my god. And then there was a table with three fruits bananas, apples, and mandarins. Okay. So you had a choice between those fruits.

SPEAKER_05 9:56

Could you have all three, or is it like you can choose a fruit?

SPEAKER_04 10:00

No, you could have as much fruit as you like.

SPEAKER_05 10:01

As much anything as you like.

SPEAKER_04 10:03

I guess so, within within reason, because there were limited amounts. Sure. So you would kind of you didn't want to be greedy.

SPEAKER_05 10:10

You would take the Buddhist away as well.

SPEAKER_04 10:12

It's not. You would take all you needed, and then after everyone, you know, got their got their plates, if you were still hungry, you could go back for more. While everyone used you. Yeah, yeah. You were conscious of how much you took because you you looked behind you and thought, okay, there's a limited amount of rice. If only everyone thought that. I know. I didn't enjoy it, but I was conscious of it. I was like, okay, there are like five people behind me. Right. Is there enough rice for everyone else? Should I take one spoon of rice? Oh, a spoon. Well, like a big like a soup spoon. Yeah, half cup, or should I take two?

SPEAKER_05 10:53

And wow.

SPEAKER_04 10:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 10:56

Wow. So we had that meal.

SPEAKER_04 10:58

Yeah. So we had that meal, and then and silence had already begun.

SPEAKER_05 11:03

So when did were they like, and now you speak no more? Or is there a moment or a a ding of a bell?

SPEAKER_04 11:10

Well, there was a reminder. We go to the meditation hall. So there are three locations. There's a dormitory, there's the you know, eating hole.

SPEAKER_05 11:20

The dining hall.

SPEAKER_04 11:21

The dining hall. Mess hall. And there's the zendo actually it was a meditation hall. I the Buddhist tradition, the the it was Chan tradition, which is almost identical to Zen. I I'm very bad with history, but I guess it was Chan first, which the Japanese adopted and it became Zen. I hope I have that right. But I'm pretty sure it was the Chinese first, right? I don't know. You know, these are monks. It's a three-person operation, really, when it gets to the meditation hall. So there was an instructor who was probably in his late twenties, early thirties, a monk.

SPEAKER_05 12:03

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 12:04

And he was responsible for our everyday practice.

SPEAKER_05 12:07

Was he good looking?

SPEAKER_04 12:09

Not particularly, but he wasn't bad looking. He was obviously very thin. Just your prison warden. Yeah, very thin, no hair, as you could imagine, because he was a monk. He shaves it. All the monks shave their heads. Okay. Did you? No, I'm looking at you. You have your hair. So he was the instructor, and then there was the the master, the teacher. Okay. Okay. He was the enlightened one, supposedly.

SPEAKER_02 12:38

Mm.

SPEAKER_04 12:38

Then you said probably ordained, ordained by his his own teacher, and it's you know, pass the teachings passed down. So he was the leader of the retreat. Leader of the retreat. So it was kind of like a monastery because the monks practiced there, but their main source of income, well, their only source of income was the retreats that they had throughout the year.

SPEAKER_05 13:04

Monking.

SPEAKER_04 13:05

This particular retreat was held during low season. Mm-hmm. So when I sat there, it became clear to me that I was one of ten women. Nine no, eight of the women or nine no, maybe it was eleven, but eight or nine of the women were China Chinese.

SPEAKER_03 13:23

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 13:24

Then there was one woman who I a white woman who I later discovered was sl of some kind of Slavic origin because she had a very strong accent. It sounded Russian.

SPEAKER_05 13:36

Did did you hear it when she was whispering to you?

SPEAKER_04 13:39

No, when she was reciting mantras or reading, you know, reciting the morning service, because there are, you know, there's a service where you it kind of, I guess, the Buddhist version of a Bible. Right. Then there was there were the men, but there were only three. So it was very low season.

SPEAKER_05 14:00

Big surprise, am I right? Big surprise.

SPEAKER_04 14:03

I guess. All all three men were white.

SPEAKER_05 14:07

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 14:07

There was a man who was the husband of the Slavic woman. So it was a married couple.

SPEAKER_05 14:12

Can you imagine bringing me to this event?

SPEAKER_04 14:14

I cannot. You would be a liability for sure.

SPEAKER_05 14:17

It worked out immediately.

SPEAKER_04 14:18

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 14:18

So would you probably.

SPEAKER_04 14:20

Probably because it wouldn't work out. It wouldn't.

SPEAKER_05 14:23

We've tried it before, it didn't work out. Did I take you on a No, we went to that service in Brooklyn.

SPEAKER_04 14:30

You couldn't handle it too much for you. So I was mad by the end of it. You were mad, I n I remember now. But anyway, so I'm realizing, well, this is quite a small group. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05 14:41

Question.

SPEAKER_04 14:42

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 14:42

Back to the dining hall. Would everyone was it I'm imagining y'all are all like quarantine, six feet apart on tables, not talking. That's right. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 14:54

We weren't forced to do that, but it just came naturally when you're in silence.

SPEAKER_05 14:59

You don't want to sit with someone really.

SPEAKER_04 15:00

You don't want to sit with someone. So we sat a few seats apart from each other. Did you hear there were long tables.

SPEAKER_05 15:06

Did you just hear a room full of mouth sounds?

SPEAKER_04 15:09

Not mouth sounds, but clinging of chopsticks because they were metal chopsticks. Like ASMR. Yeah. Chopstick and rice. And I felt like it was very hot. I was really trying hard to pace myself. With the rice? Just with the food because I felt like I was eating faster than all the other women.

SPEAKER_05 15:29

Well, you know, my dad every time comments on how fast I eat. You eat particularly fast. Well, I would love for everyone to quit commenting on it.

SPEAKER_04 15:36

Anyway, so I don't feel like I eat that fast, but they were really savoring each bite. You know, I don't know. Maybe they were mindful eating. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. They were more mindful.

SPEAKER_05 15:49

Honestly, it's like, give yourself a break. Maybe this is the one.

SPEAKER_04 15:52

Well, it's like every moment every moment is supposed to be practiced. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 15:57

Did you have to like drink up the the water after you wrenched your bowl?

SPEAKER_04 16:02

Yes. How did you know about that? Ugh. But I didn't do it. I just wiped it with other people do it?

SPEAKER_05 16:08

Oh, yes. If they were drinking it?

SPEAKER_04 16:10

Now listen, let me tell you, everything was practiced. So our instructor would walk around with a microphone, right? Our instructor would always have a microphone.

SPEAKER_05 16:21

If it's silent, do you really think that was necessary?

SPEAKER_04 16:25

Well, he was able to talk. Because someone has to instruct.

SPEAKER_05 16:29

I'm just saying, I would imagine the room tone was very quiet and there wasn't a need to amplify his voice.

SPEAKER_04 16:36

Well, rather than yelling, it's a big it's a big meditation hall and the the dining hall is pretty big. So he would walk around with a microphone not only during the meditation, but he would also have a microphone in the dining hall. For example, one of the days he you know he would say The weather is cold outside today. So it's a good idea to have some tea because it'll warm your body and uh it's effective in keeping you warm in the cold weather.

SPEAKER_05 17:10

I I would last I would pull in, say hello, and probably have to leave.

SPEAKER_04 17:15

Then he he it would be him and the teacher stand their their tables would be facing us and they would eat facing us and then he would say something like for anyone that would like a second portion of their meal of their meal, and you can now go ahead and get your second portion. Would people run up like animals?

SPEAKER_05 17:40

Like hunger guys.

SPEAKER_04 17:42

Mostly the men would come for seconds. Mostly the men. So he would always be on the microphone. Should we continue the podcast? Yes. So, you know, and these monks, they wear the traditional attire.

SPEAKER_05 17:57

Oh yeah, I didn't think about that. Yeah, the robes.

SPEAKER_04 18:00

The robes.

SPEAKER_05 18:01

Were they orange?

SPEAKER_04 18:02

They were orange, yes. Orange and with a brown kind of something.

SPEAKER_05 18:08

Did you wear a little robe?

SPEAKER_04 18:10

I didn't, but we all wore, you know. Sweats.

SPEAKER_05 18:13

Sweats because I think you actually had my pants.

SPEAKER_04 18:16

I did accidentally, I took your black pants. Oh gosh. I've been looking for those. Sorry about that. It's fine. But anyway. So we meditated, he gave a talk, he seemed fine. Who? The teacher.

SPEAKER_05 18:30

What was his name?

SPEAKER_04 18:31

It was a Chinese name that I couldn't pronounce. It was kind of long, so I just called him teacher. Fair. And you know, all the Chinese women could could address him by his name, but I wasn't able to. But everything was in English? Everything was in English. There were some Chinese translations. Some some of the participants would ask the teacher to repeat something in Chinese or to translate a particular, you know, definition of something. So we had that and then the rules were sent, you know, silence. Yeah, this is where they said we recommend we we would like you to take off your watches. Now I I took off my smartwatch, but I had Oscar's Smartwatch. I had Oscar I had Oscar's watch. Right. Just so I could tell it. So I had some sense of control. You had your Spider-Man watch. I had my Spider-Man watch. Anyway, so oh and then when we when we got out, we were given our jobs because we have to do work practice. Two or three times a day. Luckily I only had to do it twice a day, and my job was to wash the dishes. Luckily they was interesting. Luckily there was a industrial size dishwasher, so you I would rinse them, wipe them down, put them in the dishwasher.

SPEAKER_05 19:52

I cannot wait to experience your practice at home.

SPEAKER_04 19:56

I I do dishes, honey.

SPEAKER_05 19:59

Yeah. What are you talking about? No, you do, you do. Your two-step process.

SPEAKER_04 20:03

I have a two-step process in that I put it on the sink. Put it in the sink and then I put No, I put it in the sink and then I put it in the dishwasher because I would rather clear all the surfaces first. Yeah. Then rinse, put in whatever. Yeah. Let's move on. So and then I had a dishwashing partner who would dry. But you all would do it in silence. Well sometimes we would have to communicate. Like what? It's different.

SPEAKER_03 20:28

Oh, here's the plate.

SPEAKER_04 20:29

Yeah, or are there any more plates in the dining hall? Get all the chopsticks.

SPEAKER_05 20:37

Ria, we're like, let's break out of here. Got any cigarettes.

SPEAKER_04 20:44

So first day of meditation began and long, long sits. Like I'm talking hours. Not not at once, but 45 minute stretches. And you're just in a wooden chair? I was on the chair. I have a bad knee, as you know.

SPEAKER_05 20:59

Rest your knee.

SPEAKER_04 21:00

But most of these women were on cushions. And I tell you, they're hardcore. They sat through the whole thing without moving. Cross legs? Cross legs, yep. Yep. Straight back. What was the age range, would you say? So I would say most of them were middle-aged, but they were too Are we saying like you? No. Older. Older. Okay. I don't even know what middle-aged is anymore, but they were older.

SPEAKER_05 21:24

They were kind of like Skewing more sixty?

SPEAKER_04 21:27

Yeah. Skewing more sixty. They all looked great. No, that's not true. They didn't all look great. But they well, I didn't ask. I mean they were I would say they were very flexible and fit for their age. But I would say these are people, these are women who whose kids were in college. There were some younger women. There were two or three young women in their early twenties, one of whom didn't make it. And one of whom barely made it. So I would say it was harder for the young people because they didn't have that resilience that came with experience.

SPEAKER_05 22:07

They don't they weren't prepared for true suffering.

SPEAKER_04 22:10

Yeah, I don't think they were prepared for what they were up for.

SPEAKER_05 22:13

They have their ADD, you know, social media brains. Yeah, maybe. Now I would have a hard time getting up from cross leg position for 45 minutes.

SPEAKER_04 22:27

Well, for sure. Legs go numb. And even I was in pain because, you know, I have a flat bony butt, as you know. And there wasn't much padding on the chair. Wow. I kind of figured it out after a while. I got a special cushion, but m God was my ass hurting. I bet. I was in a lot of pain, honey. Self-induced. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 22:49

You chose it.

SPEAKER_04 22:50

And of course you get back pain and all all of this because you're sitting in one position and you're not really supposed to move. However, what I noticed is the rules about not moving and not leaving were taken with a grain of salt.

SPEAKER_05 23:07

A grain of rice.

SPEAKER_04 23:08

Grain of rice, because these ladies, you know, half an hour would pass and one of them would get up to go to the drinking station. And the men and women were separated, so it was very kind of old school in that women would would enter through one entrance and then men would enter through another entrance, opposite side.

SPEAKER_05 23:29

Could you see each other?

SPEAKER_04 23:31

We could. We just sat on opposite sides of the meditation hall. So we would be on one side and the men would be on the other. Which already should have given it away that this wasn't the most progressive. Yeah. I realized that these ladies didn't really want to follow the rules strictly. Why were they just talking and cutting- Well, why not when we get up to get some tea? The the water stations or the liquid stations, I should call them, there was hot water and cold water, and there were tea bags. By the way, there was no coffee to be found. No coffee, no milk for your tea, so there'd be like black teas and green teas and no sweetener and no joy. Right. It was very, you know, austere. So they would just sort of get up in the middle, which is unheard of for me in any meditation retreat I've been to, I've been to the Zen ones. But you you don't get up during meditation. You don't Well, that's pretty distracting, isn't it? Very distracting. But at the same time I was like, you go. Yeah, go. You do it, you're done, fine. I I kinda like the lax nature of it. Or or the fact that they would just break rules all the time. These were the elders. Yeah, they were older, yep. And they would just and one of them was the younger one who didn't make it. One of them didn't make it, and the other one almost didn't make it.

SPEAKER_05 24:55

Alright. When did the first one tap out? This is like h not Hunger Games, but um Squid Games.

SPEAKER_04 25:02

The first one the last I saw of her, I was lying in my bed and as because I was near the entrance and I had my blinds open, I saw her come in with a smile, and then I never saw her again. Come in, what do you mean? She came in, I saw her entering the dormitory.

SPEAKER_05 25:21

You never saw her leave?

SPEAKER_04 25:22

I never saw her leave. I never saw her again in the meditation hall. I don't know. But I did find blood disappeared. I did find blood. I did. I found blood in the trash can after she had left, and it wasn't like a menstrual blood.

SPEAKER_05 25:38

Oh my god. Are you serious?

SPEAKER_04 25:40

It was it looked like she had had an injury of some kind, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 25:46

Why was she smiling? This is the question.

SPEAKER_04 25:48

Well, she had just gone for a walk and came back. So I was quite surprised.

SPEAKER_05 25:52

You were allowed to walk around.

SPEAKER_04 25:54

Well, there was a trail. Of course we were allowed, it was nature. Nature is part of of the retreat.

SPEAKER_05 26:00

So you're telling me she came in with a little shitty and grill on her face, happy as she could be, and disappeared, and you found blood.

SPEAKER_04 26:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:10

And you just th thought, what I guess I just sang out. It was a mystery. Wait for wait for my turn to disappear.

SPEAKER_04 26:18

I don't know what happened, but she was young and the other young person had a really hard time sitting and would leave crying.

SPEAKER_05 26:24

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 26:24

And there was this like older woman, kind of quiet sniffles. Quiet sniffles, like I saw her wipe You know, and and I cried too.

SPEAKER_05 26:33

Right. I get it.

SPEAKER_04 26:34

I cried too. I I wanted my mother at one point. I silently cried for my mother because you think about me or Oscar or anyone? It was more my mother. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. At the end, near the end I needed my mother.

SPEAKER_05 26:46

You had been broken, essentially.

SPEAKER_04 26:48

I had been broken because being forced to sit in that position with your own thoughts six, seven hours a day. It's too much. It's bordering on torture.

SPEAKER_05 26:58

Yep. So what was my question about oh, do you know what day we're assuming she's okay, but the young grinning one? I have no idea what happened to her. But do you know what day? I'm like, was it day one?

SPEAKER_04 27:12

It was probably day three, I would say.

SPEAKER_05 27:15

Halfway point.

SPEAKER_04 27:16

Yeah, not even halfway point. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 27:18

Oh, day three.

SPEAKER_04 27:19

Yeah, day three. Because technically we were supposed to be there eight days, seven nines, eight days.

SPEAKER_05 27:23

Wow. Yeah. Well, you real really buried the lead on that one.

SPEAKER_04 27:28

Yeah. Well, anyway, so these ladies would just get up, make teas, go to the bathroom. There was a lot of liquids being drunk. I mean, I've never had so many liquids in my life.

SPEAKER_05 27:37

Well, that's all you do.

SPEAKER_04 27:38

Any excuse to get up, but we would hydrate. I would get up after the little tap of the mallet after a meditation would be over and there'd be a little break. I'd get up, use the button.

SPEAKER_05 27:49

Tap of a mallet.

SPEAKER_04 27:50

Oh, on a table or something? No, they had little mallets. They have all these little instruments and they eat bells and little types of wooden things that you knock on. Right. Gongs.

SPEAKER_05 28:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 28:04

Only one time did I get up in the middle of a meditation, and that's the time I was crying for my mother. Oh. And I went to the bathroom and just to compose myself. And then came back. And then came back. Yep. But anyway, there's so there was a lot of flushing of the toilets, a lot of drinking of the tea. So it was kind of distracting when you were deep in your meditation when nothing existed between you and your breath. Right. Except for Except for tea bags. Tea bags, a flushing toilet. Another thing. Weeping. Weeping. Yep. But these ladies were strong. These ladies were very strong. They didn't mess around. The one thing that started happening over the course of the retreat was there'd be silence, you know. I mean you could hear a pin drop. Sure. And suddenly loud fatts. From all over the room. No k no kidding. From the participants. From the participants. Yeah, there would be really loud fatts. And not just like, oops, this one came out unintentionally. You could tell they were pushing them out. Huh. Now there was a lot of constipation, I think. It was a lot of vegetables, I think. A lot of vegetables. And I I was a little constipated because I was shit shy. I wow. I felt it uncomfortable. Pooping, using the toilet, because they weren't your own room rooms.

SPEAKER_05 29:34

They weren't the Maybe it's because you were sleeping right next to it.

SPEAKER_04 29:38

I don't know. Just the first few days I was just really like backed up.

SPEAKER_05 29:42

Wow.

SPEAKER_04 29:43

And I guess that makes you gassy. Of course, I didn't fight in public, but there was a lot of fighting and really loud, long farts, like almost the song.

SPEAKER_06 29:54

Like Yes.

SPEAKER_04 30:02

Yes, that long, babe. I'm not kidding. That long. And no one laughed. No one laughed. It was accepted. Did you open your eyes? Yes, of course I opened my eyes. And they weren't smelly. I mean, I couldn't smell anything. But they were really, really fucking loud and long. Like they went on for a long time, many seconds.

SPEAKER_05 30:23

And when did this start? After the disappearance of the young one? I don't remember.

SPEAKER_04 30:30

There was an older lady who was sort of in charge of the dormitories and making sure that everyone was okay. She was sort of the emotional support. And she would sit in the back next to the instructor and sh God, she could not hold it in. She would also burp.

SPEAKER_05 30:47

Oh. There was burping. Wait. At mealtime or just sitting there meditating?

SPEAKER_04 30:52

Sitting there meditating about if she would walk around to to bring someone to the teacher, because we would have personal interviews with the teacher. Uh-huh. She would just walk and fat. Walk and fat.

SPEAKER_05 31:04

Crop dusting. Just crop dusting, exactly. I think that's silent.

unknown 31:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:11

Crop blasting. Anyway, but generally everyone was following the rules until it all broke down. Uh-oh. Wait a second. What? Nothing. So, you know, things were gradually getting harder and harder. More and more difficult, more and more grueling. And oh, and you know, the teacher, every day I started feeling like these teachings are kind of repetitive because it would always be uh about the wondering mind. You know, the wondering mind this what else is there? Well, there are many nuances to Buddhism and every oh, and the the teach the particular retreat I went to, which I didn't realize was the one I went to the flatulence? It was a particular form of meditation. Some some of you may have heard about it. Breaking wind. In Zen it's called a koan. In Chinese it's called a wato. And these are basically what some people I mean they're basically like questions or riddle. It sounds like a riddle where, you know, what is woo? What is woo? W it's it's woo is nothingness. Oh. So the the concept is the concept is you you pick one of these koans, these watos, and you meditate on it and you try to figure out there's no answer to them. The way they the analogy they gave is it's like a dog chewing on a bull. He knows he can't eat the bull, but he's playing with it in his mouth. So just kind of chewing over it. And the way you're supposed to think about these questions is not with intellect, not through any conditioning or any history or anything you've been taught, but really like a visceral kind of what comes from inside. So you don't use the past, you don't use any learnings, it's supposed to come from a spiritual source, really. So what is yours? So the one I I picked was who is it dragging around this corpse? Stop. Really? Yes. So it's not like it's basically who am I?

SPEAKER_05 33:33

What on earth have you been doing for a week? You've been laying around farting, eating vegetables, not shitting, thinking who is dragging around this corpse?

SPEAKER_04 33:43

Yeah. That's that was the question. There was what is woo, which is what is nothingness, who is dragging around this corpse? There were other ones. Well, it's like who who are you? Who am I? Who is who am I? So you're the corpse. Well, who is the point is who is in this body? Ugh, this is why I just don't make it. So you would have to mull over that and that would be your meditation. No way. So that was the approach. I would definitely go for woo. And it's a more advanced approach to meditation. So after you've sort of mastered deep concentration, you move on to to woo. To woo, yeah. So and it wouldn't meditations wouldn't just be sitting meditations, but they would be movement meditations. So there'd be walking meditations, there would be natural walking, there'd be very slow walking, where you would feel each tippy toe.

SPEAKER_05 34:38

I'm just imagining an outsider walking, babe.

SPEAKER_04 34:45

There was a running meditation, and it would get increasingly more because my knee It would get increasingly well, I would run the short distances. We would run around the Zendo, run around the meditation hall, and he would be like and and and he was pretty strict, this instructor. He had a stick, he called it his instant incense stick. You were and he'd bang it on the floor and he'd be like faster. So he's slow meditation and we'd be very, very slow. Then he's like, natural walk. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05 35:19

Have you ever done this before?

SPEAKER_04 35:20

I never did the movement meditation. But this was very like authentic kind of hardcore. I've never been to this. I mean, even in the Zen meditation retreats I went to, like, it'd be the one Woodstock, and these were Western teachers. Sure, a little bit softer. They were a little softer. Although just as austere, but here it was like, wow, these guys are really going for it. And so they would say, Shorten your step. Faster, faster, faster. And then he would say, What is woo? What is nothingness?

SPEAKER_05 35:52

No way. Yes. No way.

SPEAKER_04 35:55

Yelling, what is woo? What is nothingness? And you're running like you're running your fucking ass off, like trying to breathe.

SPEAKER_05 36:02

You're gonna do this again. Not at this place.

SPEAKER_04 36:06

And you could hardly breathe, and you you have nothing on your mind except what is nothingness. So what it what is nothingness? Well, it's exactly that. It it's it's woo. It's woo.

unknown 36:19

Woo, baby.

SPEAKER_04 36:21

It's woo, baby. Well what happens is what happens is is you you start understanding it not in an intellectual way. Right. Beginner's mind. I g it you start feeling viscerally that you are not your body. That you're a corpse. And that really what's separating you from everything everything is empty. In fact, in in Buddhism, there's in their version of the Bible is emptiness is none other than form, and form is none none other than emptiness. So there is form, but everything is empty. Anyway, so he would yell, what is woo? What is woo? And he'd run and run and run and run, and then he'd say, Stop really loudly and bang on the stick. So kind of like to stun you into kind of an awakening.

SPEAKER_05 37:09

I don't know. Sounds like um red light, green light. What's that mean? Well, it's a game.

SPEAKER_04 37:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 37:15

Yeah. Kind of like that. Red light, green light.

SPEAKER_04 37:18

Yeah, I mean it's a children's recess game. And after a while, you're looking around, you're like, what kind of idiots are we?

SPEAKER_05 37:24

Just running around crazy running. Well, I mean, it just sounds right out of one of the cult docs I watch. Well, I mean, this is You were very you're lucky to be with us. Yeah. With me, you've got Oscar, we keep you out of a cult because you're a prime candidate to become a cult member.

SPEAKER_04 37:43

Well, it does empty your mind. It does empty your mind. You were in a cult for seven days. Yeah. So what what ended up happening? Oh, so the teacher was constantly brainwashing. Well, but it is literally it was Buddhism, but it was very it strict. It was very strict and it was very centered around awakening, which is not what Buddhism should be. You're not supposed to focus. You're not supposed to force awakening. You're supposed to not even go into it with the intention of awakening. No expectation. No expectations. But that's how they kind of posed it, which is what started to make me suspicious. Oh. I'm like, what is this obsession with awakening? There's so much more to Buddhism. Compassion. Sure. You know, patience with one another. So I'm like, this is kind of really hardcore trying to get us to awaken, and it doesn't feel right. Anyhow, at one point it was so drilled into me that I actually did have an awakening, but it wasn't an awakening of the heart. It was the woo. It was the woo. The woo kick got you. The woo got me, and I all of a sudden there was nothing separating me from objects. Now I know you could maybe imagine this intellectually, but when you feel it, it's really trippy.

SPEAKER_05 39:03

So you were a chair.

SPEAKER_04 39:04

I was a chair.

SPEAKER_05 39:05

You were the fart cushion.

SPEAKER_04 39:07

I was a fart cushion. There was nothing separating me. And when I looked inside myself, I was transparent. My entire being was transparent. Like I was transparent. I didn't see organs, but there were I was nothing. And I look outside and the trees are empty. They were infinite. There was an infiniteness infinity. I don't even know how to say it to them, but everything was empty and came from nothing. And when this this awakening hit me, I I it was incredible, but also I said there's something missing here. There's something almost nihilistic about this. Where is love? Where are the it was nowhere to be found.

SPEAKER_05 39:52

Not at that Zendo.

SPEAKER_04 39:54

Anyway, so I'm like, something is wrong here, something feels off. Why is everything nothing? Do you think something was in the water vessels? I don't know. So as as the medit Oh, so what ended up happening is one and we were really deep into meditation by this point, and it was kind of midway. And the windows were slightly open, everything was silent, and suddenly what sounded like was coming from the depths of hell was screaming.

SPEAKER_05 40:27

What?

SPEAKER_04 40:27

Like blood curdling screaming, and it became clear that this wasn't coming from a human. This was coming from some kind of animal. What are you talking about? I'm serious. There was Were they sacrificing animals? No, there was this screaming like some animal was being brought to its death. Something was happening outside. There was a lot of nature. One thing I will say, there were a lot of deer everywhere. There were a lot of different wildlife. Sure. And there was screaming like what sounded like come coming from the depths of hell. I'm not kidding. I've never heard such screaming. Did anyone else it almost felt human, but it yes, everyone heard it.

SPEAKER_05 41:05

Well, did the teacher bank his little stick?

SPEAKER_04 41:07

No, it just kept on going. Like many of us jumped up and looked out and we just couldn't figure it out. It was so scary. So when the meditation was over, now this is when everything starts falling apart.

SPEAKER_05 41:20

I thought it had already started.

SPEAKER_04 41:22

Not yet. So we get out to get our coats and s oh, and okay. So someone said to me, Did you hear that? Did you hear that? And I said, Yes. Yes. And they said, What was it? What was it? I'm like, I don't know. I said, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So all the ladies started gathering together, asking, Did you hear that? What was that? That was so scary. It sounded like an animal being killed.

SPEAKER_05 41:47

Were they farting a little bit?

SPEAKER_04 41:49

They weren't farting at the time, but everyone was petrified. And I'm laughing. Because I think it's the funniest thing. Like, why has everyone broken silence? Like silence, silence has suddenly been broken.

SPEAKER_05 42:00

Everyone's done it.

SPEAKER_04 42:01

Everyone was talking. It sounded like an emergency. And but I thought it was like really funny. For some reason, I was almost I got the giggles. I'm like, why everyone's suddenly talking? Silence has been broken. And they said, they said, they said, I want to come out with you. There was this one particular woman. Well, there was this one particular woman who bec no, she was Chinese, middle-aged woman. She started becoming attached attached to me to the point where anytime it was dark, she would wait for me at the door and say, Can I come with you?

SPEAKER_05 42:34

Oh, you're her bodyguard.

SPEAKER_04 42:36

I was her bodyguard and she Did you guys hold hands? No, but she specifically sought me out out of all the women. I don't know why, but she always wanted to stick with you too. Well, she she was she always wanted to leave with me everywhere, go with me everywhere. And at first it was cute. But after a while I was like, uh, this is kind of a dead weight, you know? It's like I kinda wanna apocalypse. I kinda wanna be alone. But when this was already happening before the animal. But once the animal happened, she's like, I'm going with you. Then everyone started huddling, all the women started huddling together, like, what was that? What should we do? What was the teacher doing? He was gone. He he kind of disappeared. We wouldn't see him leave. He would kind of go down the aisle, we would we would bow and he'd be d disappeared.

SPEAKER_05 43:25

So I mean, did it cross your mind, is this the smiley young girl?

SPEAKER_04 43:30

No, no, I don't think it was it it sounded like an animal, but it was kinda it sounded like a mix between an animal and a a female woman. Well it was kind of demonic. So everyone wow, have I been talking for an hour? Yeah. We're gonna have to cut a lot of this out. You are. Or it's a two parter. It's a two parter. So everyone was like let's uh a couple of women said, let's go well, let's wait for the men, let's go with the men. I'm like, what are the men gonna do? These little skinny ass men eating. They're not gonna do anything, you know? Let's go with the men. So as we're going out, there were umbrellas outside the door.

SPEAKER_05 44:13

Why were y'all going outside?

SPEAKER_04 44:14

Because we had to go back to our dormitories.

SPEAKER_05 44:16

Oh, okay. You had to.

SPEAKER_04 44:18

You weren't just We had to. No, we weren't going to to invest to explore, no. What if it was a So this one woman started taking out umbrellas and handing them to everyone? She's like, we can use these as weapons. Stop. Yeah. So then the final day. The final Are you getting bored? Is this boring? No, I'm in interested. I'm invested in seeing it through. So the final day they said, okay, for the final afternoon of meditation, you can pick your own style of meditation. You can walk around the meditation hall. You can choose your own adventure. Choose your own you can go hike uh for a meditation hike. So I was like, I'm done with this meditation hall. I cannot sit here anymore. Nope. I'm gonna go hike in nature. And I'll think about Woo. Woo. No, well I'll think about who is it dragging around this corpse?

SPEAKER_05 45:10

Corpse.

SPEAKER_04 45:10

It didn't say dead corpse, just corpse.

SPEAKER_05 45:13

Oh, just corpse. Well corpse is it implies.

SPEAKER_04 45:16

Well, just implies that a body is just a body and not living. So I'm like, okay, finally I'll get to and and all these days all I'm saying to myself is who is it carrying around this corpse? Who is it carrying around this corpse? On this trail, oh, and I'm like, okay, finally I can get away from everyone and go for this walk. And who shows up? Little lady with a little feet and she's like, Can I come with you? And I'm like, Oh God. I was like, Yeah, sure. And so we st Did you hold hands? No, but she came and as soon as we hit the trail. She farted? No, she fucking started yapping away. Oh. Wouldn't stop. About what? She started saying, Okay, I'm just so annoyed at at my friend who won't let me talk. And when I stop talking, she starts talking. I said, I I I thought we said you said we couldn't talk, so it's okay for her to talk and not okay for me to talk. She's like, I know it's not very Buddhist, I know it's against Buddhism to talk. And I'm like, Yeah, seriously, like you've been here seven days on a Buddhist retreat and you're bitching about your best friend. You said that? I'm thinking this.

SPEAKER_05 46:30

Sure.

SPEAKER_04 46:31

I was like, okay, I'm just gonna talk to her until I can lose her.

SPEAKER_05 46:35

Anyway, she's oh, it really took a turn.

SPEAKER_04 46:37

Yeah, so she's talking, talking, talking. Finally, I'm like, I gotta get rid of this woman to figure out who and then I started saying, Who is it carrying around this dead corpse? This dead this corpse, dragging around this corpse, as well as the corpse of this little woman with tiny feet. So I'm walking, saying, Who is it dragging around this corpse and the corpse of this woman with tiny feet? But back to so I got rid of her and then I'm sitting by the water. There was a f waterfall, and she had left already because I I actually pointed her, keep walking, I'm gonna sit here. I actually pointed her to her, yeah. Meditationless hall of there, keep walking, I'm gonna sit here. I gestured that towards her. And then I sat by the the water the waterfall and I kept looking at it and I said, Who is it carrying around this corp dragging around this corpse? And then it dawned on me. You Gabby! Gabby is dragging around this corpse. But it wasn't an intellectual like Gabby, it was like it's not all nothingness. There's me in there too. Right. And but it was you know, it sounds simple. It sounds simple, but it it you could feel it viscerally. Yeah. It was a spiritual understanding that goes beyond words. Yeah, got it. And then I went back into the meditation hall, then the evening happened, and the guy, the teacher started saying basically, that if you're not a Buddhist, if you're a Christian or a Jew, that even if you follow the Buddhist path, the Bullis Buddhist method, you will never become enlightened. Now I know this not to be a fact because I've had peak experiences. And actually another guy picked up his hand and he said, Look, I I studied with a very highly respected scholar on Buddhism, and he actually drew pa drew a connection between Christianity and Buddhism, and and the teacher said no. Was this a Shenyun camp? Was Shenyun the dances? Yeah. No. But anyway, so he said no, and he said, and actually, you know, the this student said, and in Buddhism there are actually many gods. So what separates this? What why can't why do why can Buddhism have gods and Christianity can't? And he said, the teacher said, well the difference is in Christianity God created the universe, whereas in Buddhism it always it just exists. And I disagree with this, and to to be honest, who created it or if it was created is trivial.

SPEAKER_05 49:22

That's an answer to anything.

SPEAKER_04 49:24

Well that's the that's the mystery that doesn't need to be solved. It doesn't matter if it was created or not created. The fact is there is no right or wrong. There's no right yeah, and you can't as enlightened as you if you even if you're the most enlightened human on the face of this earth, there's no way you can know whether God created this universe or it just existed without creation. And it doesn't matter. It's woo, baby. It's woo. So I started realizing then that this guy was teaching dogma, really. That there was no way for him to know. So why was he saying you can't be right you can't be enlightened or you can't have an awakening in the Buddhist fashion if you believe in Christ? I'm like, this is fucked up. And I had had just about enough at this point. Yeah. I had had just I'd cried for my mother. Yeah, it was been followed around followed around by a tiny lady.

SPEAKER_05 50:15

You'd been there for seven straight days already.

SPEAKER_04 50:17

And I was like, I cannot listen to him anymore. I cannot do another meditation. It was the final night. You're done. The next day he wanted us to take the three refuges, which is like a Buddhist baptism. I'm like, I don't need this baptism. Like, why? This is becoming dogmatic. And I thought, this isn't the spirit of Buddhism anymore. This is someone's limited views. This is cult leader. This is cult leader. And so he finished his talk. I bowed to him. Oh, I had asked to leave earlier. After the after the trail walk, I said, I'm after I said I'm Gabby, I was like, you know what? I'm ready to leave. I think I'm gonna go home to my family, come home early to see Oscar, he'll be so happy, I'll surprise him that I came home early. And when I went to reception, the instructor was there and I said, I'm gonna leave now. It's been great, thank you so much. And he says, Well, the retreat hasn't ended.

SPEAKER_02 51:13

Ooh.

SPEAKER_04 51:14

And I said, Well, I appreciate it. You've been great, but I'm ready to leave. And he said, Well, if you read an email, it says that you're not really supposed to re leave the retreat early. And I said, I appreciate that, but I'm just he said, Yeah, but you can't get the full exp and he wouldn't take no for an answer. Just let me go. And he said, But you know, it's you're not gonna get the full experience if you leave early. But he was so sweet and I was making fun of him, I'm like, because he started smiling and I said, I've never I hadn't seen you smile this whole time. I said, All you've been doing is, what is woo? What is woo? Hitting with your stick, and he started laughing because I was making fun of it. And he was so he was kind of more grounded and he was being sweet, and he said, Please just stay, you'll get the full experience. And I said, Oh, you want me to stay for the others? He's like, Yes, but also, you know, so he convinced me and I said, Okay, it's what's one more night? But but one more night was too many nights. Too many nights. So after the teacher had gave his talk, I bowed to the teacher, I went to the instructor, and I started bowing to him, and I said, Please let me go.

SPEAKER_05 52:23

Wow.

SPEAKER_04 52:24

Please, I want to go, please. And I bowed to him over and over. I'm like, just let me go. And he smiled and he said, Okay.

SPEAKER_05 52:31

But really, all that was holding you back was myself. Well, this is true, but your phone.

SPEAKER_04 52:38

I needed my phone.

SPEAKER_05 52:39

I needed to unlock my phone. And you're smart one.

SPEAKER_04 52:41

So I went to the reception guy and I said, I've been let go, I'm going now. And I brought my phone, he unlocked it, and I went to the dormitory. I've never packed so fucking quickly. I believe it. I just threw shit in my bag, I threw it in any kind of vessel I could. Wow. Got everything together. I like screeched my tires. Wow. Because I said to myself, no one is taking God away from me.

SPEAKER_05 53:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 53:06

No one is taking away God from me. Not the farters. Not the farters, not the teacher. I was like, because I know there is divinity. Not the tiny feet. I felt God before, I know there is, and there's no reason that it can't exist with nothingness. As they said, emptiness is form and form is emptiness. So there is nothingness, but there is everythingness too. Wow. Profound. So I got on that car. I got in the car and I started playing music, and God started showing up everywhere in flying colors. Like I was driving and like God was speaking to me.

SPEAKER_05 53:45

Oh God.

SPEAKER_04 53:45

I was feeling the love, such deep love. And I looked up at the sky. I saw a moon larger than any moon I had ever seen in my life. I couldn't believe how big the moon was.

SPEAKER_05 53:58

A harvest moon.

SPEAKER_04 54:00

It was like a harvest moon, but it was whatever. It was huge. It almost didn't look real. And God was speaking to me through music, and I felt such love as if God was saying, Yeah, it's a good thing you left because I do exist and I'm here for you with open arms. Alright. And I was crying, and at one point I thought, should I be driving with this kind of awakening? I am glad you didn't. But I was in full awakening mode. I drove to my parents, because that's where Oscar was staying. You were having a few days off.

SPEAKER_05 54:30

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 54:31

And I got home and I never looked back. Wow. So that's my story. Sounds like you got what you needed out of it. I did. I had two awakenings, one of nothingness and one of everythingness.

SPEAKER_05 54:56

Am I right in saying?

SPEAKER_04 54:57

What a world, what a world.

SPEAKER_01 55:01

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 55:07

What a two rats and a baby. What? What a wild.