Life on Her Terms: Amita Mehta

Amita Mehta’s life is a story of survival, love, and radical courage. In this deeply personal episode, she shares the secrets she feared would cost her everything and the relationships that made her rich in love. Coming from a traditional Indian family, Amita talks about their escape from Uganda at the hands of a dictator and the journey to freedom in the U.S. She reveals how being an athlete was a saving grace, enabling her to integrate and find hope during a difficult time in her young life. She shares her inner struggle to come to terms with her sexual orientation and how that impacted her career and her relationships. It’s a raw, hopeful conversation about identity, resilience, and what it really means to embody the American dream. (All that...AND it's Jess and Maureen's birthday episode!)

Discover Amita's website and her instagram. 

For more, visit She What? on Instagram.

Brought to you by Capital Health

Credits:

Producer and Host: Jess Downey

Producer and Host: Maureen Petrosky

Producer and Editor: Leigh Iacobucci

Artwork: Peter Yates Design

Know someone with a great She What? story?

Transcript

Amita Mehta (00:00):

That's when it clicked with me. Yeah, when you have relationships and people that care about you and you're willing to let them in, that's rich.

Jess (00:16):

I'm Jess Downey. You might know me as Editor in Chief of Real Woman and Thriving Magazines for Capital Health.

Maureen (00:23):

And I'm Maureen Petrosky. You might have seen me on the Today Show or CBS mornings as an entertaining expert or know some of my books like Wine Club and Zero Proof Drinks.

Jess (00:31):

And we're two friends who created She What?

Maureen (00:35):

<laugh> a podcast that digs into the personal and often surprising stories of women who inspire us

Jess (00:41):

And they get real about the wins, the fails and everything in between. Here

Maureen (00:46):

We invite her to tell the whole story, the pain she endured, the triumph she celebrated, the friends she made along the way, and maybe even how she reinvented herself.

Jess (00:57):

These are the kinds of stories that make us think. They make us laugh, they keep us going.

Maureen (01:02):

Need a dose of inspiration. It's here. Need a fresh perspective. We got that too. Hi Jess. Happy birthday.

Jess (01:16):

Hi Maureen. Happy birthday <laugh>.

Maureen (01:19):

Since we share a birthday, of course, we had to record an episode of She What? So we did something very special. We love recording together. And today we invited a truly original guest to celebrate.

Jess (01:30):

She's definitely an original. Since we jump right into our interview, I'll tell you that today's guest is Amita, who spent more than 25 years working on Wall Street and corporate finance, and now helps leaders and individuals realize their own goals and dreams. But her story is so much more than her career.

Maureen (01:49):

So, so, so much more. Amita's story is unapologetically and Uncon. Confusingly what we all think of as the American Dream.

Jess (01:57):

And with everything that's happening in our country right now, we need to hear the story. No matter what part of the political spectrum you're on, it's easy to feel unmoored.

Maureen (02:05):

Yeah. And her story is so full of hope, opportunity, personal strength, the power of community. And there's some surprising heroes along the way.

Jess (02:14):

It really hearkens back to quote-unquote a simpler time. But it also reminds us what is so magical about the American Dream in the first place. Listeners should take care that our topics in this episode, including abuse and suicide.

Maureen (02:28):

Yes. But Amita takes us on a wild and beautiful ride that's so worth it. So stick around.

Jess (02:42):

Amita Mehta, welcome to She What?

Amita Mehta (02:44):

Thank you so much, <laugh>. I feel like it's my birthday, even though it's your birthdays. You guys are birthday twins.

Jess (02:50):

All of our birthdays

Maureen (02:51):

Because our birthday tradition now is that we do record a podcast on our birthdays. 'cause we're lucky enough to be doing She what together. But this is a very special interview to have am today. Jess, can you tell us a little bit about how we got to have Am here?

Jess (03:05):

Yes. I went over to her side of the bed and said, <laugh> <laugh>, would she like to be our featured guest on our birthday episode of She What?

Maureen (03:15):

That's right. Jess and Am are Married now. Congratulations. Thank you. A recent wedding just took place. Thank you. And while we love and I know Amita as a friend, there's a lot I wanna unpack here and get into today because there's quite a few. She

Jess (03:30):

Wats. Well, just to back us up, Amita was a she what? Well, before there was a she. What? And that's how we got to know each other. Because you were featured on a cover of Real Women in the spring issue of 2017. That's right. And that's how we got to meet.

Maureen (03:46):

And I remember you telling that's back when we were running, we used to run on the tow path together. Yes. Run, run, walk. And I remember you telling me all about her and she lived in Lambertville and she's so amazing, this beautiful Indian woman and like telling me these stories. And now here we are almost 10 years later. Isn't that crazy?

Amita Mehta (04:03):

Wow.

Jess (04:03):

So it's been a wild ride. <laugh>. Yes. So what happened was I received an email from Amita saying, you know, dear Jess, I'm sitting here getting my mammogram at Capital Health and I'm reading an issue of Real Woman, which she commented on how nice it smelled, which I thought was

Amita Mheta (04:21):

Odd <laugh>. I always look forward to it every, every quarter. Like, Hmm, that's very high quality. <laugh>

Maureen (04:27):

I weird high quality paper. That's where you

Amita Mehta (04:29):

Yeah. So I'd go run out to the mailbox and I would grab the magazine. I'd be like, Ugh, that would be the first thing. I'm like, this is a really high quality magazine. <laugh>. Okay, first.

Maureen (04:38):

That's the first.

Jess (04:39):

So you said, I love your magazine, and as I'm sitting here getting my mammogram, I'm thinking that I might have a story to tell. And you went on to tell me a little bit about yourself and I immediately Googled you and was like, oh, she does have a story to tell. So let's hear the story.

Maureen (04:56):

Yeah, let's back it up. Let's go back kind of to the beginning. Take us to when you were younger because on she what we like to tell the whole story. So

Jess (05:03):

That's right. So how did you and your family come to

Amita Mehta (05:09):

Here? Yeah, because I remember when I wrote that, uh, email to you, I prefaced it that I feel like I was living the American dream and that my family arrived to the US as refugees when I was six months old. So we were displaced at the hands of a dictator, I mean, over 50 years ago from, from Uganda, from Uganda, Africa. And it was about a hundred thousand people that were displaced, primarily Asians because we were considered outsiders.

Jess (05:39):

You're saying displaced, but really he he kicked you out. Oh

Amita Mehta (05:42):

Yeah. Kicked us out, as in get out or you die. And so, uh, the things that my parents saw experienced lost, um, their status or wealth all in a matter of three months. And so yeah, my dad was an executive at Barclays Bank and mom was a elite socialite. Her grandfather had established a steel manufacturing plant in Kampala, Uganda to, um, help the British build the railroad. Kampala. Kampala, your sister Lindsay loves pronouncing that Kampala.

Maureen (06:13):

It is kind of fun.

Amita Mehta (06:13):

Kampala. Kampala. So it was, um, I can only imagine they, they were in their late thirties. My twin brother and I were a little bit of an oops. Uh, so we were like a double, a double whammy.

Maureen (06:25):

Your lucky mom. Oops.

Amita Mehta (06:26):

Oops. Right. I feel for her. And so it was my parents and then I have two older brothers as well and got out with our lives. So it was with $140. I remember my dad telling the story about how he had just bought a brand new Toyota Cel. And so he went into town and handed the keys to a homeless person and that was it. And so mom's family decided to get to some refugee camps in order to settle in England. And so they really implored my parents to come with them. And my dad in particular wanted, where are we gonna have freedom of religion, education, you know, it was freedom of speech. And so they really wanted to get get to America, but America had already accepted a lot of refugees. So we were literally on our way to Denmark. And so we got separated from my dad because he was stateless from Uganda. So he ended up in a Italian refugee camp. And we were with my mom in a refugee camp in England. And

Maureen (07:25):

What was that like?

Amita Mehta (07:26):

I mean,

Maureen (07:27):

I don't wanna glaze over it. Like it sounds so intense.

Amita Mehta (07:30):

Yeah, intense. And, and I'll tell you that there's this movie called Last King of Scotland. And I remember asking my parents, is that like a true portrayal? And they're like, it doesn't touch half of it. It was worse. And that movie was very traumatizing to watch. And women were told that they could only wear one ring in their finger, or one or two Bengals. You weren't allowed to take any of your possessions. And so mom hid jewelry and our swaddling blankets, but there were women who had doubled up or had Bengals up to their elbows. And so the military, as people were trying to flee, would say, you can't take that jewelry. So instead of letting the women take the rings off or the Bengals off, they would chop their arms off where the jewelry was. So I can't even like imagine what the atrocities my parents saw and experienced and to get, you know, split up in terms of these refugee camps.

Amita Mehta (08:21):

My older brother was 10 at the time, so he would have to go find milk for my twin brother and I at the camp. And my father in Italy, a church service, found him at the refugee camp in Italy. And basically they said, do you want to come to America? And he's like, yeah, whatever I can do to get my family there. And he basically had to sign off on, yes, I will be a contributing member of society. And they said, all right, we'll we'll sponsor you. And so he landed in the us the Harrisburg International Airport, and the pastor from the Lutheran Church, um, met him there, got him settled with the Amish. So he was living with the Amish for a few months and we followed after, uh, it was February. I remember mom telling me all she had was sari and sandals and it was February and freezing cold. And she's thinking, oh my God. Like what are we gonna do? Right. And so we settled in, um, in a dilapidated old farmhouse. Uh, got to know the Amish very well. It's interesting. They were outcasts. We were outcasts. So we

Maureen (09:21):

I was gonna say, it's gotta be pretty interesting. Here's this brown family that moves into like the whitest of white Amish out in the middle of Pennsylvania. And at

Jess (09:30):

The time, did your dad speak English? Yes.

Amita Mehta (09:32):

Taught himself. Okay. Oh yeah. So very educated. So people didn't think my fam my parents were educated because they spoke with accents. And think about it, it's the early seventies, a lot of discrimination going on. Dad couldn't land a an equivalent level executive job. People thought, you know, he was not smart or educated and, and mom never worked, you know, in her life because she was pretty well to do in Africa. And so they landed, um, a job gluing soles on shoes at the shoe factory. So, uh, can you imagine how humbling that is? And then dad took on a job at Tyson Foods, uh, in a chicken plant. And so can you imagine being Hindu and a vegetarian and being reduced to, uh, laboring jobs like that. But they were willing to do, did he have to handle chicken? I don't know what he exactly had to do, but you know, he definitely had to,

Maureen (10:18):

But still he went from being like an executive at Barclays Bank. I bet if he took any Barclays Bank executive right now and threw the mountain to the middle of Pennsylvania and made them work in a chicken plant, I mean, that would be traumatizing enough, let alone leaving your home country and separating from your family and experiencing atrocities of a refugee camp. So you're just a baby at this point? Yeah. You've already had about 500. She watts.

Amita Mehta (10:39):

Oh. And and the interesting thing is this is, you know, we graduated from the, you know, the farmhouse to a trailer and a trailer park. So the six of us. But as a kid I'm thinking, this is amazing <laugh> like, you know, like we all get bunk beds and we're running around in like the amazing open lands. I was having a blast as a kid. I loved Easter egg hunts. And, and we were welcomed into the Head Start program. So, uh, at the time I didn't realize as a kid, 'cause I'd be on that bus, that little yellow bus in the summertime. And I was excited. 'cause I'm like, oh wow. Like I get get to have this Head start experience. And I didn't realize at the time that it, you know, that it was a program for at risk youth. So at that time I had no idea that okay, wow, we're really poor.

Amita Mehta (11:23):

I thought food stamps was the currency. Then I would say it was probably like seven or eight just listening to that. I was getting more queued in. Like, he'd be on the phone trying to land an interview and, and he's like, no, my name is PBA Shanker and it's P as in Paul, R as in, you know. And then I'm like thinking, oh, okay. That's when I started recognizing that okay, there is a socioeconomic disparity, uh, people can be mean. So I was recognizing that we're different at the same time. I had a mama who took care of me. She was part of the, uh, the church. And so I I just,

Maureen (11:59):

So that's someone that wasn't in your

Amita Mehta (12:00):

Family, but not in my family. No. Mom, um, had sustained an ankle injury.

Jess (12:05):

She was bit by a scorpion.

Amita Mehta (12:06):

Yeah, she was bit by a scorpion when she was probably six or seven.

Jess (12:10):

And it really impacted her her whole life.

Amita Mehta (12:12):

Like she had like a peg leg, um, but she

Jess (12:15):

Sort of dragged her foot.

Amita Mehta (12:16):

Yeah. So it was like, I guess as a child she was running through the woods and she got stung by a scorpion, a medicine man had to like suck it out of her foot. And then when we arrived here, she had to be placed in the hospital, um, for surgery. So they had to cut a portion of her ankle out. So that's when my dad couldn't take care of four kids. So basically the church, a family took me on and then another family took my twin brother on for a period of, I would say, was it four months, six months. So I became very integrated into You were

Jess (12:46):

So you were separated from your brothers - Yes.- for that period of time.

Amita Mehta (12:49):

Yes. And so mom came back on crutches and, but with mom, mom we became very integrated. 

Maureen (12:56):

How old were you at this point?

Amita Mehta (12:56):

5-year-old kid, like hanging out with a, you know, my, uh, sort of adopted sisters. Wendy and Jody like, it, it was a, a blast riding at mom, mom's, mom's house riding a big wheel, you know, like total tomboy. And so that was just sort of like how things began.

Jess (13:11):

One of the first things that am, and I found out we had in common was I had this big ficus plant in my dining room when I was a little girl. And for whatever reason, I used to take dirt out of it and eat it. Okay. And I would sneak the, I would sneak in there and I'd eat the dirt. And then my mom of course was like, I have dirt on my face. And she'd be like, are you eating that plant again? Whatever. And Amita apparently also was a dirt eater. And so we were like, there must be some like thing about people who eat dirt. Yeah.

Maureen (13:36):

Did you ever look into that? Because now I'm like, definitely googling that when we finish this interview.

Amita Mehta (13:40):

No, I would eat the like, like the dirt by like the tires in my dad's car. <laugh>. That's worse.

Jess (13:46):

Sleep. Mine was like,

Maureen (13:48):

I think we're splitting hairs here on what's worse, <laugh>.

Amita Mehta (13:51):

It was delicious.

Maureen (13:52):

Let's put a pin in the dirt eating, um, <laugh>. That is wild. Yeah. Kids do crazy things. I

Jess (13:58):

Don't want you to not get an opportunity to really talk about the point at which you started to really realize your differences and that you wanted to assimilate and you wanted to be an American girl and how you eventually did that so that we can, you know, make sure we cover all the things.

Amita Mehta (14:15):

Yeah. So I think after we moved into town, we graduated from the trailer into like a home. Like I was thinking, wow, I get my own bedroom, this is amazing. And learned playing sports with my brother. So I was like just a total jock,

Jess (14:28):

Which is unusual. Like I feel like girls in Indian culture aren't always treated the same as the boys, but your dad seems like that was one real positive. He made a point to sort of a lot of ways treat you the same.

Amita Mehta (14:39):

I think so I think that this path though, had this path not happened the way it did, I don't know that I would've been able to live life on my terms now. I think mom and dad had to, to make some compromises knowing that, okay, well Jay's gonna have to be self resourceful. She's gonna, we don't have the money. So they had to compromise a bit. And so in at home we'd speak English and mom would be upset about that. And so there was that level of compromise. At the same time my brothers would get the rites of passage that I wouldn't get. So as, as males they, they're totally celebrated. And I, there I am like,

Jess (15:15):

What's that ceremony called? That

Amita Mehta (15:17):

Jonno? Jony Jonno. It's a jony. So it's like they're right. A passage of, you know, being a man and every time like I'd experience three of them and I'm just sitting in the corner like, don't I get one? Like, you know. And so, so what

Maureen (15:29):

Is that? Is that a certain age that that happens? Yeah. Like is that like a bar mitzvah like 10?

Amita Mehta (15:32):

Yeah. Yeah, it's like 10 or, or yeah. Like sort of like they're coming of age and they're celebrated, you know, uncles are there. They're and, and I'm there I am like even

Maureen (15:41):

With a twin brother, is that so wild to see like they're the exact same age, but the brother gets the party.

Amita Mehta (15:46):

Yeah. He gets the party and

Maureen (15:47):

It's not wild. It's actually pretty common in a lot of cultures.

Amita Mehta (15:50):

Absolutely. Absolutely. At the same time though, they got me into sports, you know, so I'd be doing my swan dives playing football.

Jess (15:57):

So, so you start to become a great athlete or you are a great athlete.

Amita Mehta (16:00):

Yes. And and that's where like, actually, you know, we were evicted from our home and so we lived at the Salvation Army for a while and,

Jess (16:08):

And that was a pretty traumatic experience. Yeah.

Amita Mehta (16:10):

'cause I honestly thought that we were gonna be taken from my parents. It's like I saw the police officer through my mom in the street.

Maureen (16:16):

And what age are you here at this

Amita Mehta (16:17):

Time? Um, I'm about eight, eight or nine. And so here we are, we're in Lancaster City, the Salvation Army and, and not knowing what's, what's gonna happen. And so we, you know, bopped around to a couple places before we landed in Columbia, Pennsylvania. We're settling there and dad finds this basketball program and takes me in and the coach at the time says, I have too many girls and I'm not here to babysit. And I picked up a ball and there I'm just dribbling around putting it between my legs and just shooting around. He's like, she can play <laugh>. Oh my God. She, he's like,

Jess (16:52):

We'll take her. He's

Amita Mehta (16:53):

Like, yeah, alright, alright, we're doing you a favor, but we'll take her. But we didn't realize at the time that Columbia was such a sports town, like big time basketball town. And so I think that was some level of sense of community that I was like, wow, I think I found my, my, my place, my niche. And, and mom and dad were big on like, you, you get involved in everything that you can. And so played sports, academics, you know, you have to get a's so very, uh, strict and could never miss a meal. Uh, with family. I missed one and my dad took me off the basketball team and that was rough. But that's when I started realizing and recognizing that, okay, I don't wanna be different. I wanna hide my religion. I wanna hide the culture. I just felt like I then had to just sort of show my value and really overperform, because I didn't want people to think I was so different and so hid the culture.

Jess (17:46):

Mom wanted you to wear a sorry for prom.

Amita Mehta (17:49):

Yes. So prom came around and mom, like, she was able to salvage these beautiful sorrys and retain some of the jewelry. And she's like, why don't you wear one of these beautiful, sorry. So I was like, no way. No way. I, I, oh my gosh, I'll get laughed at. And that was a regret that I had that I didn't, when

Maureen (18:07):

Did that become a regret though? Because I can imagine as a teenager that's like a hell no, I'm not wearing aari. I wanna wear

Amita Mehta (18:14):

Yeah.

Maureen (18:14):

Whatever the latest trend is or whatever. But it is such a special amazing thing that you have.

Amita Mehta (18:20):

I'd say like, um, after college

Maureen (18:22):

You could look back

Amita Mehta (18:23):

Because my friends in college, because we only lived 20 minutes from where I went to college, so I'd bring my friends back to my parents' place and I'd say, mom, just make pasta, make spaghetti. And then my friends would arrive and they're like, where's the Indian food? And I'm like, what? Right? They're like, no, we, we wanna like experience that. And so then that's when I started recognizing, oh my gosh, I've been like hiding myself all this time. And people wanna embrace that, you know, part of me and my, my culture. I think that's why I struggled in college is that felt like I was just hiding all the time. And, um, you, you liked Wednesday nights? I loved Wednesday night pizza nights in high school because we make our frozen pizza and then I'd go to basketball practice and that would be a time when I wouldn't be made fun of running up and down the court because my, my hair retains a lot of smells of spices and you know, remember back in the day you could smoke in bars. Oh yeah. You know, and so it's like, ugh, my hair would retain that smell. And so yeah, the girl girls would make fun of me because I smelled like Indian food. Yeah. And so pizza night I'm like, great, this is awesome. 'cause like I can just run up and down the court and not worry about

Maureen (19:26):

It and smell like pizza.

Amita Mehta (19:27):

Yeah. Smell like I'd rather smell pizza. Pizza, you know? Yeah. So that's when I started recognizing that I just really wanted to be a part of the, the crowd. And yeah, I did become popular and I was on the homecoming court and mayday court, and I think basketball really helped that. I think the one story I've shared with jazz is mom was working as a seamstress in a like, towing factory in town. And like I'd meet her after work and I saw when she was coming out, people were making fun of her. Like, your food smells and the lunch room, like, it was horrific. I was like, oh my gosh, I can't believe mom's like enduring this. And so I go, mom, like, what's, what's going on? And women were like, oh wait, this is your mom? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, but you're me Amanda, like, you play basketball. I'm like, yeah, this is my mom. Like, don't make fun of her. Yeah.

Maureen (20:14):

Don't act with my mom. Yeah. Don't act

Amita Mehta (20:16):

With my mom.

Maureen (20:16):

Yeah. It's brutal. I mean, when kids, and I can see it on your face right now, like the hurt from that still, it lingers and you know, kids can just be so cruel. But I love to see you now in your fifties and just the freedom you have and who you are and celebrating all the beautiful different parts now. Yeah. Um, I know it's a long journey to get to that, but there wasn't always an easy relationship with your parents either though, right? Even though you are Yeah. Defending them like kids do. And especially when you're in difficult relationships often we make a lot of excuses for the people we love. But you struggled in a different way at home also, right?

Amita Mehta (20:57):

Yeah. Like, look, we're in a new environment and look again, not, you know, not to make excuses, but yeah, dad had he, he was angry, you know, so he had a temper. I don't know, was it back in the day that people could like lay hands on, you know, their kids and their spouses? Yeah. So he definitely had, um, a temper. He had to be in line, you know, so that's one thing. Get out there, perform, you know, like that example where he took me off the basketball team, like he pounded on those doors and he's like, you're come with me. And so look, he treated me just like my brother. So, you know, they, they would get his wrath of verbal or physical abuse even when you feel like, you know, you're supposed to be in a trusted environment. Your parents, there, there was physical abuse and, and that, that was tough because it's just like, oh, you know, how, how, how long am I gonna endure this? And so I just in my mind was like, okay, just gotta make it to 18. I just gotta make it so that I can get to college then I'll be free of this. Because I was afraid that if I sort of whistle blew like on, on my dad, that it would disrupt our family dynamic. Like, what's mom gonna do? And I'm sailing right now, like, I'm integrated into school, I'm popular, making the grades and sports is, is what's gonna get me outta here.

Maureen (22:13):

It's pretty tough. I mean, that's a lot for a kid to have to shoulder, you know, in an abusive household. It's already too much for a child. And then to be leaving your household and trying to find some safe place. Was there anywhere that you can remember growing up, even like in high school that you found those places of peace?

Amita Mehta (22:35):

Oh yeah. I, I would say after school activities. So I would be on the basketball court, I'd be playing tennis, I'd be playing softball, whatever I could do to have some level of community and just some sanity <laugh>. And it's interesting now, like I, I have a very close relationship with my high school basketball coach. And even to this day, like, and he was never a crier. He was a yeller as well, but he's like, oh gosh, had I known Amita? Like what you were going through? Like, I just wish I had known so that I could have shown up differently. But like, that was all stuff I hid just for self preservation because I was like, I'm on a path, I have a game plan, I can't disrupt it. I feel like

Maureen (23:13):

It's something you learned at a very young age.

Amita Mehta (23:16):

Yeah. I mean, by 10 I knew, uh, I had a resume. I have made my own business cards <laugh>, I made a made up, you know, vice president, you know, so I like, I like by 10 I knew like to be successful, I'm gonna really have to like dial in, you know, being the best. Yeah. Now that I'm in my fifties, like I have a better sense of who I am and what my values are. Whereas in the past it's just like, I felt like I always had to prove my worth and, and my value. And, and, and in corporate life there was a stage where I was really doing well. And then I came to a realization, okay, I have a secret, and I thought it is gonna blow my, um, relationships up with family. How's this gonna impact my, my faith and religion? 

Jess (24:00):

Alright. So hold on just to back us up. Yeah. So you're working at JP Morgan Chase? Yes. And so first it was like you were working in this community bank lending to farmers, things like that. Yes. And you're, you're working your way up. You're working your way up. And now boom, you're in the big city, you're working at JP Morgan Chase and you have this great job and you're rolling. Yes. And then are you gonna tell us the secret or you gonna...

Amita Mehta (24:19):

Yes, I can. All right. I'll tell you that secret. But just to back up, I do want...

Maureen (24:22):

I hope you're gonna toss a secret. This is getting good <laugh>.

Amita Mheta (24:25):

What I wanted to mention is why I was so, like at the time working at Fulton Bank in Lancaster County, and I didn't realize it at the time, but I was in a role that I was able to give back to the community that helped save us, you know, the community banking. So that, that's one thing I, looking back, that was like the neatest thing to be able to help serve the community that served us as refugees. So, so then fast forward, yeah. I'm at, I'm at JP Morgan. 

Maureen (24:55):

Are you in your twenties, your thirties? Where are you now?

Amita Mehta (24:57):

I'm in my, uh, late twenties. Yeah, early thirties. And then I come to realize when we're having like the water cooler talks, people are like, well, hey, so what are you doing with your weekends? And, and I would say, well, I'm down at Rehoboth Beach with my friends, and so I would be playing the Bruno game. Like I, I'm over there with them and, um, I'm, you know, at a concert. But I wouldn't say it was Ani DeFranco <laugh>. I'm totally gonna give it away, you know? So, yeah. And I love listening to Katie Lang. And so, um,

Maureen (25:27):

So this was eighties, ladies. 

Amita Mehta (25:31):

Yeah, "Come to my window". Um, but yeah, so, uh, I would just, I wouldn't, I would clam up. So the secret was I had met somebody and,

Maureen (25:43):

And this somebody was...

Jess (25:45):

A woman? A woman,

Maureen (25:45):

Woman.

Amita Mehta (25:47):

<laugh>,

Maureen (25:48):

Dun dun.

Amita Mehta (25:48):

No, this gay guy that, no. Um, so yeah, I met this woman and well, so

Jess (25:53):

You should say like, so you're, you grow up in a Hindu family. Yes. Not only are you not supposed to be with women, but you're supposed to get arranged marriage with an Indian man, have your bio data all

Amita Mehta(26:06):

Like biota. Yes.

Jess (26:08):

And not only are you not doing that. Yeah.

Amita Mehta (26:10):

'cause I'm like, you know, trying to be this dutiful daughter, like after college, my parents, you know, you know, we would like you to start meeting some Indian men. And so I said, okay, I'll compromise this and that. I'll go out on a few dates, but if it doesn't work out, you gotta let me do it my way. So I went out on a few arranged dates and they were bombs like, and it was crazy 'cause I dated like practically every culture of men, you know, throughout like college, et cetera. But nothing was clicking. And so I said, mom, dad, look, I gave it my best shot. And they're like, okay, well then I meet somebody at Fulton Bank and we're dating for probably three to four years. Another woman. Oh, a man. So, wow. So we were dating when we were at Fulton Bank, and actually, um, then I made the move down to Wilmington where he had made, made the transition to. So

Maureen (27:00):

At this point, how is your family taking you dating outside of being an Indian? Like, I know you said, let me do it my way, but how did that go? And now you're doing it your way?

Amita Mehta (27:10):

Um, not, not, not so well, so disappointment there. And then, um, I think he knew before I knew that I was your boyfriend. Yeah, my boyfriend at the time. And then I met this woman and I was like, wow. Like, huh, never thought of this, you know, because I was always just like, okay, I gotta marry an Indian man. And then I, you know, and so I, I guess I, I just was sort of just following this path and not really thinking about what I wanted. And so we met, and that led to me like hiding for quite some time. So I was withdrawing from my family. My work was taking a hit, my productivity was taking a hit, and I was just fearful that if this secret comes out, like I'm gonna lose everything. And then finally, I, I called my twin brother, and he, he's like, where, where, where have you been? What's going on? And I said, well, I have to tell you something. And so he's like, what, what's what could be so serious? And so I said, well, I couldn't even say the word. And so I finally said like, I'm a lesbian, and I felt so sick to my stomach and what was gonna come out of his mouth. And he's like, what? And I'm like, yeah, I'm, I'm gay. And he's like, wow. And you couldn't come talk to me about this. Like,

Maureen (28:30):

I love him.

Amita MMehta (28:31):

Oh my gosh. She's like, oh, but I do need to tell you something. I'm a lesbian too. Just, yeah, I'm a lesbian too, and I'm trapped into a man's body. And so I was like, this is a joke, you know? But yes, that is exactly what he said. So that's like, gave me such a relief that I was like, oh my God, like I've been hiding all this for how many years now. So it just felt like it gave me some permission to like, okay, I can embark on this, on this path. And then I said, well, can you just keep this a secret for mom and dad for right now? So it was like another secret for like, what, another five years <laugh>. I don't even know. But like, he, he, he did great, but then translated into the work environment, there was an opportunity in the Global Office of Diversity. I applied and I got the job. And then I'm thinking, uhoh <laugh>, how can I take on a job where I'm encouraging people to bring their whole selves to work and I'm not? And so that's when I decided to come out. And so I, I took the job and it was the first meeting with a business resource group at the time. It's like a thousand people. And so that's when I said that I'm gay. And they couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I said it. 

Maureen (29:37):

And at the time, was that the first time you said it like out loud to a group?

Amita Mehta (29:40):

Yes. Out loud to a group. And I didn't realize how many rights the community did not have. And I'm thinking, oh my gosh. Yeah. Who would choose this for themselves? You know,

Jess (29:49):

<laugh>. And in that job you helped rewrite the rules for transgender?

Amita Mehta (29:54):

Yes. They had reached out to me and I helped them transition in the workplace, um, and helped guide some of the guidelines and rules around how to help people transition. And, and so, um, and I got to do a lot of things over the course of the past 30 years.

Maureen (30:09):

And so let's talk about your parents. At what point do you tell them?

Amita Mehta (30:12):

Yeah. So how does that go?

Maureen (30:14):

Was your dad also a lesbian <laugh>?

Amita Mehta (30:16):

Very much not. So, uh, whenever I would get promoted, uh, or job promotions, I would invite my parents to come see my office. I invited them to New York. And, um, and I thought, well, I'm not gonna really have to come out to them because, uh, it's, you know, my apartment's in Chelsea. It's in the middle of like the gayest area in New York. So mom and dad came to visit and, um, I'll never forget it was raining that day. Mom's like, this is amazing. And I'm like, what? She's like, you're in New York. Can you imagine how many Indian men are here? <laugh>?

Maureen (30:51):

I was like, opportunity. You're like, yeah, I can imagine.

Amita Mehta (30:54):

Thanks, mom. I'm like, mm, no, I don't see that. She's like, what do you mean? I'm like, well, I mean, I guess I'd get married if it was legal. And she's like, what? What are you talking about? I'm like, nevermind. Dropping hands. Yeah, jumping hints. Like, mm. Little

Maureen (31:07):

Easter eggs.

Amita Mehta (31:07):

Yeah. Okay. And then, you know, we, next morning we walk out, you see couples holding hands, all the rainbow flags, nothing. And I'm like, oh my. They're not,

Maureen (31:16):

They're not clicking.

Amita Mehta (31:16):

 It's not clicking. So we make our way down, um, downtown where my office is down by Wall Street and starts pouring rain. So we duck into the winter garden. I, and I don't know if you're familiar with the, the winter garden, but it's like this big huge atrium down by, um, uh, the, the nine 11 memorial. It's packed. It's loud. And so, um, twin brother happened to call my dad. And so they're on the phone, and mom and I take a little walk and something just came over me and I just said, mom, I have to tell you something. And she's like, what? And I was like, so and so's moving up to New York with me in a one bedroom apartment. She's like, oh yeah, that's, yeah, that's nice. I'm like, she's moving up in a few months. That, that's nice. And, um, I love her.

Amita Mehta (32:03):

And she's like, oh, that's nice, honey <laugh>. I'm like, oh my God, you're really gonna make me do this. And so, um, so I said, mom, I'm not looking for permission. I am looking for your support on this one. And, and you're my best friend. I love Kristen. Like, we're gonna be together, not roommates, but you know, we love each other. And she's like, oh my God, I can't believe you're telling me something this horrible. And I'm thinking, mom, like, I can't believe you're reacting like that. Like, she's like, what are people gonna say? What about getting married? She's like, and what about your dad? Like, she's like, we're gonna be on the next train outta here if you tell him that. And so I said, we gotta keep it a secret then. Can we just keep it a secret for right now? Okay. So we walked back.

Amita Mehta (32:45):

And so dad's like, okay, what's next? Do you wanna go check out your office? And mom's like, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm like, what? And she's like, no, you, you have to tell him for what you just told me. And I'm thinking, what do you mean? She's like, I can't keep out a secret. You gotta tell him. So I start crying. I'm convulsing making weird noises. I don't know what's happening. And then people around us, like it's echoing throughout the whole atrium. Everybody clears like cockroaches. Everyone just like clears the space. And so it's just me and my parents. 'cause I'm like, hoo. Like it's just echoing. And I'm like, oh my God. It's like ugly crying. It's all of the, all of the emotions. And um, dad's like, are you sick? Like, what's, what's happening? Are you like, are you okay? And I, and I'm like, I couldn't even breathe.

Amita Mehta (33:32):

And so I, I, I share with them that like, look again, like I'm not looking for permission. I'm, I just need your support on this. My girlfriend's moving up to be with me. And, uh, we love each other. And that's that. And so dad's like, oh wait, hang on. Dick Cheney, his daughter's a lesbian. And I'm like, how does he even know this word? <laugh> what? I was like, he's like, yeah, she's having a baby. I'm like, what? And he's like, are you happy? And I'm like, yes, dad, I'm happy. And he, and and he's like, yeah, then we accept you. Like, yeah, we love you. And I'm thinking this whole time that they were gonna leave on the next train out, that I, I was gonna lose them forever. And he's the one who's like, yeah, no, like, we love you. And then there's a pause and mom says, if you guys break up, you're marrying an Indian man. <laugh>. <laugh> that never came to be, but I got to marry a beautiful Jewish princess. <laugh>.

Maureen (34:34):

Yes. And now you guys are, what do you call it? What do you call your relationship? Hinges. Hinges. Hinges. Hinges. Yes. Well, that's a lot and intense. And I feel like I was so intense listening, waiting for your dad to be mean or your mom to be mean. But I'm so grateful and pleasantly surprised to know that. And one thing that I keep thinking about when you're telling your stories is that even when things were hard, you still really want the love and approval of your parents. And I feel like Jess has told me some things over the years about, you know, how important your parents are in your relationship to your parents is, and sometimes I have like a little struggle with that when I think about like, you know, you talk about the abuse or being abused and then, but you're still yearning for that approval from them. Can you explain that? Like psychology to me a little bit?

Jess (35:22):

Well, and I think to add in one more wrinkle,

Amita Mehta (35:25):

<laugh> one more.

Jess (35:27):

Not only what, was there a long period of time where you were looking for their approval, but then eventually she became their caretaker and their advocate, right. And that, that, that goes on to this day. So, and, and I think it's so cultural and embedded in such a deep place within not just you, but your brothers and a, a whole world of people where your parents, no matter what happened in your childhood, are the most central people in your lives.

Amita Mehta (35:56):

Yeah. Like revered. Yeah.

Jess (35:57):

Yeah. Revered.

Amita Mehta (35:58):

Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's something that I'm still unpacking to this day, really. Like, because Jess and I, we have conversations about this at length that like, wow, like how can you forgive like your dad, you know, for all the trauma he put, you know, you and the family through. And I think that's something that I, I will still continue to unpack and especially with mom. Like, I left my career to take care of her because the doctor said she had six months to live. And so I did a complete value shift.

Maureen (36:29):

So I think you're like, and I don't, you know, I want you to be comfortable about what we talk about here, but I think you're kind of dancing around and I'm not getting a full picture of what this was like in the household because you said that, you know, he laid hands on you or kept you in line, or like, what did the dynamic of the household look like or feel like that had you having to say to a parent like, that has to stop now?

Amita Mehta (36:55):

You know, I personally like endured abuse from my dad as I shared, um, verbally and, you know, the, the physical. But yeah. And there was also, um, just sexual abuse that that took place that I felt like I was alone.

Maureen (37:11):

From your dad.

Amita Mehta (37:12):

From my dad.

Jess (37:15):

Yeah. And that's something I think like all of these things, as you are getting older in your life and as you're like experiencing all these different things, I feel like it's like layers of the onion that just kinda keep peeling, peeling, peeling. And it's like, it, she'll remember new things. She'll like traumas that, you know, all these different books that you can read, um, indicate that the body remembers things that the brain has shielded you from. And I've read a lot of these books almost to like learn on her behalf. 

Maureen (37:45):

Yeah.

Jess (37:46):

How trauma works in your body over time. And I just, I've watched her because, you know, I don't think she knew how to feel her feelings before I met her. You would, you would almost see it happening in real time. Like, oh, I can feel a feeling and express a feeling. And she's still learning, I think, how to do that. Yeah.

Amita Mehta (38:03):

And like, there's like that level of conditioning that you're trying to unravel yourself from. And then again, when you're, you know, talking to, you know, going through therapy and therapist, it's like, oh my gosh, by saying this out loud, it was real. So that's like the big thing. It's like, oh my gosh, if I say this, 'cause like I'm, I'm rolling. Like I, I'm crushing it in my career. Like I came out, people wanted to work with me. And so it was just like, things just began elevating even more. So I was feeling myself in terms of like, wow, I am crushing it out here. And I didn't have to say one word about like the past. The past is the past and I get to move forward, but the minute you say something out loud, it becomes real. And I feel like just even saying it out loud, it's sort of like re-traumatizing. 'cause it's like, wow, that really happened, you know? Yeah. And it's easy

Maureen (38:48):

To like push stuff way down and forget about it when it's the bad stuff, you know? Right. And I love to see you enter a room because I don't know if you know this about yourself, but Jess and I do that you just carry such a positive infectious energy now, but a lot of people don't see what's underneath all of that and the weight that you're carrying there. And I think it's important to say those things out loud because they did happen to you and they are your story. And as you've said, so many people have supported you, especially in those times when you thought they weren't going to, when you entered a conversation full of fear or a workspace full of fear. And then were pleasantly surprised. And I think even our listeners and people who have similar experiences with abuse, sexual abuse, verbal, physical, they get it.

Maureen (39:37):

They know what that's like, and we love you and we support you. And like, I wanna see more of your smile on your infectious part. So I hope that you can find ways. I know you mentioned therapy to continue to say those things out loud and they're just part of you. Yeah. Yeah. But the you that we know now that like continues to build community and like work and can be best friends with anyone they meet in two seconds is the part that continues to celebrate. And like as you're in your fifties now, what are you working on? Tell us about like your family now, like what's that dynamic?

Amita Mehta (40:11):

Yeah. And, and I'll say like it's, um, it is pretty incredible, you know, to, to be able to live out loud. Uh, that was the, the, the cover of the magazine Living out loud living Yeah. To, to live out loud in that you want to show that you have armor, like, look, I made it right. Yeah. Nothing can get through this armor. But I think being vulnerable, I think that's one regret I wish I would've been more like open to, to sharing of that vulnerability and like the sort of the trauma and the pain to let more people in. Because I feel like I can relate to so many people because I've, you know, there's so many intersectional aspects of what I've experienced, so you can't assume you know, things about people. So that that's that. But like with work and family now, like, yeah, I, I got to launch my consulting practice, Amita made a possible back in 2018 because I wanted to be able to spend time with my mom. And then, like, just career wise, like I I, the experiences that I've had, like it was, it's been quite entrepreneurial in the time that I've been in spaces of financial services with some great brands. And so I've been able to take like the HR experience, the sales experience, um, operations, finance, all that experience and launch it into my consulting practice in terms of helping organizations work on large scale implementations and help people be better leaders and help people work on career pivots.

Jess (41:36):

But I also think it's interesting 'cause you've sort of been on a little bit of a journey here this last year to figure out kind of what your next step is. And it's interesting to see people, especially those who know what a baller you are career wise, to sort of be like, well, what are you doing <laugh>? And to have you sort of be grappling with that. Like, well, what's expected of me? And as I'm figuring this out, like, is it okay that I'm sort of like taking this time to figure out what my next step is? And

Amita Mehta (42:05):

Yeah. I think it's important to share that a lot has happened over the course of the past, uh, three years. Um, mom passed, uh, unfortunately my, uh, brother took his life. So just a lot of, um, things that I've had to face.

Jess (42:22):

Your middle brother took, took his own life.

Amita Mehta (42:23):

Yes.

Maureen (42:24):

I'm sorry to hear that.

Amita Mehta (42:25):

Yeah. And so I think it's just, I've been so used to in life just pulling up my bootstraps and just going, and I've recognized over the course of the past three years that, yeah, I, I need to unpack this a little more and I need to take a pause and reset and really think about what matters and where do I see my next chapter taking me. And so that, I think that's important to know that just working through a lot of things, and I think it's important to take a pause if you can, to really take time to grieve.

Maureen (43:00):

Well, those are some pretty big hits. I mean, losing your mother is life changing regardless of what the relationship is or was like the best of relationships, the worst of 'em. It is a game changer. And then to suffer through the loss of a suicide, it really does your mind in, I'm glad and grateful to hear that you're taking a beat. I think a lot of people could take that advice because life doesn't always have to be on fast forward.

Amita Mehta (43:27):

Yeah. I've been really just resetting and really think about what matters and where do I see my next chapter taking me.

Jess (43:36):

You're gonna do something in a couple months that's gonna help you, I think, figure that out.

Amita Mehta (43:41):

Yeah. I've always wanted to volunteer and do something internationally. Um, something with getting my hands dirty, literally. Mom and I always had an affinity for wildlife, especially elephants. So I'm going to be going to Thailand to work at, on a elephant sanctuary and volunteer my time reset, get involved with the culture and, and think about like, what do I wanna do next? And maybe it is something more formally on the advocacy side of things, you know, whether it's elder care, LGBTQ plus community, refugees and immigrants right now, that's a, I mean, gosh, they need so much help, but sort of taking that on and sort of just take, take that time.

Maureen (44:23):

Exciting. 

Amita Mehta:

Yeah. We'll see what's next. 

Maureen:

Well, you've had a lot of different, um, versions of Amita <laugh>, and as you've gone through, you've said, you know, some of them were a little easier, some of them were a little more difficult. Is there anything, any piece of advice that you keep with you or like a daily motto that gets you through the day that you can share with us?

Amita Mehta (44:43):

For me it's try your best and just know that anything is possible. If you just try and be kind like that, that's a big one. You just don't know what people could be going through. I'll leave, leave it with this in that I'll never forget, I was 18 years old, I was sitting on a bench staring out at the ocean, and this elderly man comes and sit next to me and he looks at me and he is says, you look like you're rich. And at the time I'm think, I'm so poor, I'm broke. Like, what do you mean rich? He's like, no, it looks like you know, you, there's some culture or some worldliness or like community around you. And that's when it clicked with me and that. Oh wow. Yeah. When you have relationships and people that care about you and you're willing to let them in, that's rich.

Jess (45:28):

You're very rich.

Maureen (45:30):

Well, we are rich for having had the chance to have you on She What? This has been an awesome conversation. I love talking to you and getting to know you a little bit better. And we cannot wait to see what you do next.

Jess (45:42):

We cannot wait.

Amita Mehta (45:44):

Thanks guys.

Jess (45:45):

Thanks for coming.

Amita Mehta (45:46):

Thank you.

Jess (45:47):

And it's, and it's our birthday, so thanks for being here with us on our birthday.

Amita Mehta (45:50):

Yes. Well, and thanks for inviting me and hopefully this strikes a chord for people out there and gives them some inspiration.

Maureen (45:55):

Oh, definitely. I'm inspired.

Amita Mehta (45:57):

Happy birthday.

Jess (46:01):

Woo. That was amazing. I think we both knew that was gonna be an amazing conversation and I'm so glad we got to do that in person.

Maureen (46:10):

Yes. Amita has an amazing gift of telling stories in a way that really take you there so vividly into the triumphs and the heartbreaks.

Jess (46:18):

She reminds me every day, and especially on this episode, and it's important to have tough conversations.

Maureen (46:24):

Yeah. And she's so right that so many things in each of our lives are hard to say out loud because it makes them true. But that's what we need to do.

Jess (46:32):

Yeah. We need to have those hard conversations. We need to live out loud and say things out loud. That's how we honor the past. But stay present in the here and now.

Maureen (46:42):

Yeah, let's do it.

Jess (46:43):

I'm doing it. Let's do it right now.

Jess (46:47):

She What comes to you from Real Woman Magazine, a product of Capital Health. This episode was produced by Leigh Iacobucci, with Music by Epidemic Sound.

Maureen (46:56):

Please, please leave us a rating and review. We want the show to be so great, and we need you to help us do that. So follow, subscribe, and next time bring your friends too. Until then, I'm Maureen Petrosky.

Jess (47:08):

And I'm Jess Downey.