Expired Vagina Goop

Emily and Sage have both been serial monogamists - they’ve always been in long-term, committed relationships for almost their entire lives. Now that they are both single, they’re trying to figure out the wackiness and ludicrosity of modern dating in their 40’s.  They call in their good friend, Big K the Car Guy, who gives his perspective on a particularly confusing situation. 

Transcript

Emily (00:00):

What is up Los Angeles? This is Emily. 

Sage:

And Sage.

Emily:

Dishing the dirt for you on our not-so-basic and definitely not traditional lives as two new-ish friends who are barreling through the middle of our lives and sharing it here with all of you. For those of you who are just tuning in, my name is Emily. I'm a divorcee with a little dog who just moved from the East Coast to sunny Southern California, and I'm finding and loving a whole new life out here. 

Sage:

Hello, my name is Sage. I'm also a divorcee with two teenage kids. I'm originally from Michigan, but I've spent the last 23 years here in Santa Monica and I'm ready for a change and a new chapter while embracing being single in my early forties. 

Emily:

Amen. 

Sage:

Yes, girl. 

Emily:

And this is the first time you've been single in a very long time, isn't that right? This was one of the first things we bonded over. 

Sage:

Totally. 

Emily:

When we first got to know each other. It was the fact that both Sage and I are serial monogamists our entire lives. 

Sage:

A hundred percent. It's always been relationship to relationship to in years. 

Emily:

Sometimes they overlap. 

Sage:

Yeah.

Emily:

One after the other after the other. We were never single. And even though I grew up in Ohio, you grew up in Michigan. I was in Boston. It was like we had this same kind of,

Sage (01:15):

Backstory.

Emily (01:15):

Innocent always with a guy, always loyal, being so sweet. I was the first one in my high school class to have a serious boyfriend, first one to lose my virginity. How old were you? 

Sage:

Oh, too young to tell. 

Emily:

No, I was 16. That's pretty young. That's like the age of your daughter right now.

Sage:

I was younger. 

Emily:

Yeah?

Sage (01:38):

I was experimenting a little too young. 

Emily:

What is that Sage? 

Sage:

But I was in a relationship with this skater kid in middle school.

Emily (01:47):

You were gearing up for moving to LA even in middle school, a little skater boy.

Sage (01:50):

Yeah. And we also would snowboard together and we were together all through middle school. So three years. 

Emily:

Cute. 

Sage:

So by my eighth grade year, say goodbye to my virginity. And I think I even made him wear two condoms that one time because I was so freaked out. 

Emily (02:05):

Did you even have your period at that point? 

Sage:

Oh yeah.

Emily:

Oh, okay, okay. So you were a woman. You were definitely ready to go. 

Sage:

I got my period, unfortunately by fifth grade. 

Emily:

Yeah, that's early. 

Sage:

Awful.

Emily:

So everything was early for you, and even this relationship sounds like it was not just some random hookup at a middle school party or at a dance. You're in the bathroom banging some little skater boy at a dance. 

Sage:

No, and then it moves into my high school sweetheart of six years. 

Emily:

Yeah, same. I had a high school sweetheart. He was Jewish and his grandparents were going to write him out of the will because I am not Jewish. 

Sage:

Of course. 

Emily:

And the whole family thought we were going to get married and that this was it to the extent that he was getting written out of the inheritance. They were so mad. And I was ready to convert to Judaism.

Sage:

Mazel Tov. 

Emily:

Well, no. Instead I did a whole 90 degree pivot and ran away to Europe and was like, peace, I'm out. I didn't want to get married. I didn't want to be in this long-term relationship when I was 16 to 20.

Sage (03:11):

No.

Emily (03:11):

And then I was out.

Sage (03:12):

Europe sounds like the better choice.

Emily (03:14):

Yeah, but then I ended up with a stupid boyfriend and an American nonetheless, while I'm living in Europe.  So even then I didn't have the single craziness that we're having now. 

Sage:

Where was the Italian stallion? That's who you should have been seeking out. 

Emily:

I did have an Italian stallion. 

Sage:

Yes! 

Emily:

That was the first Europe trip. Yeah. Yeah. A little on and off. We were a little on and off and I squeezed in an Italian stallion in the middle there, who actually one of my friends recently found him on Facebook. This is like 20 years later. And the guy is disgusting. He's got super long hair and he's all greasy and he owns a convenience store in some podunk town. I know he is not the hot waiter, 

Sage:

Romantic.

Emily:

In a Piazza in Venice, which is kind of what I fell in love with when I was 19. And then I had to go home to my little suburban boyfriend, wah wah. And I think that was the end of it for me that I was just like, all right, I'm not doing this relationship. But then I was in a serial relationship for the next, I don't know, 15 years or so. 

Sage:

Mine's about the same, married for nine years and some change.  Prior to that any other person  I dated it was at least two years.

Sage (04:29):

So yeah, it feels so good to just be with me right now and not deal with any of these little Peter Pan boy shit.  It’s just not worth it to me. 

Emily (04:38):

Yeah, you're doing a better job at it than I'm, but I've been single longer.  So I've been single now for three years. Exactly. 

Sage:

That’s a long time. 

Emily:

A long time. Considering I was not single from, so my first boyfriend was 14, lost my virginity at 16, so 14 to 41 I had a boyfriend.

Sage (04:59):

Wow.

Emily (05:01):

Yuck.  That's terrible. Girls, do not try this at home.

Sage (05:04):

No.

Emily (05:05):

Do not do that.

Sage (05:06):

You're loving being single because it’s now been three years.

Emily (05:09):

And the three years flew by. And I'm certainly not at all anxious. I mean, if the right guy came along, maybe. 

Sage:

I know. 

Emily:

And especially the way modern dating is right now. It's insane. 

Sage:

Awful. It's awful. 

Emily:

It's so completely messed up. It's like we talked about in our first episode, there's so much confusion going on. There's all this craziness all the time. So when I first got here to LA, I immediately went on the apps. I've been on and off with the apps. I think the single people out there will get this, that you have this love hate relationship with them. It's so easy and it's kind of addicting. You have your little catalog of men.  You've never been on the apps, right? 

Sage:

I've never, and I do not have any desire to try it. 

Emily:

You've got to put a helmet on and buckle your seatbelt and deal with the strangest shit.

Sage (05:50):

I'm not comfortable with it. 

Emily:

No, I mean you do it for entertainment purposes. Well, maybe we should put you on an app for a future episode.

Sage:

God.

Emily:

Yes! What do our followers think? Should we make Sage a profile on air?

Sage:

I'm not on social media, 

Emily:

This is perfect for you.

Sage:

I’m not going to go on an app.

Emily:

Oh, so speaking of social media, the very first guy I matched with, I'm here in LA and I'm thinking, oh, they're going to be different. This is going to be awesome. 

Sage:

No.

Emily:

And the very first guy I matched with, he's an ex hedge fund trumpet player. So my friends are all like, Ooh, trumpet player that's going to come in handy in the bedroom. But I'm kind of like, no, no, 

Sage:

That's gross. 

Emily:

Not feeling it. But he was very flirty and he refused to actually meet with me in person because he had been catfished so much. Do you know what catfishing is?

Sage (06:37):

Yeah.  When you pretend you're someone that you're not on the other end of, 

Emily (06:37):

Like your photos,

Sage:

Are super hot, but yet you're really a man and it could go down that way. I heard. 

Emily:

I guess so. Yeah. Bottom line is that he had matched with a whole bunch of ladies that had fake photos, I guess. And then he meets them in real life and they don't look anything like the photos or they're nothing like he thought or whatever it might be. So he gets catfished all the time. So he's accusing me of catfishing him and I'm like, bro, let's hold up here. And he's insisting on examining my Instagram profile before we meet up. And it was creepy and it was awful. And I ended up caving and giving him access to my Instagram profile and he's asking me questions about certain pictures. It was odd.

(07:23):

And then all of a sudden he just unmatches me on the app. I was like, ouch. What the hell? 

Sage:

This does not sound like my style of dating at all. 

Emily:

No, well that guy was nuts. 

Sage:

Old school. I keep it old school. 

Emily:

No. And then the next guy, we actually did go on a date. The conversation was so terrible, Sage, it was literally, he was like, where do you do your grocery shopping? And I was like, Whole Foods, are you going to judge me on my grocery store of choice? And then he's like, what did you have for dinner tonight? And I'm like, what did you have? And he said something. And then he was trying to make a joke and he goes, fine, you caught me. I had bread with my salad. He was trying to act like he was all healthy and he had a kale salad with something, something.

Sage:

Lame.

Emily (08:05):

And he goes, fine, you caught me. I had bread. And I'm like, what? So all my East Coast friends call him Salad Guy. 

Sage:

Okay.

Emily:

I go out on a date with him and he's a hundred percent gay, flaming in his fifties. And I'm like, what? 

Sage:

There's a lot of them out here like that. 

Emily:

And I had to shake him off. I had to get rid of him like, I'm not your beard. What the hell? No way. You know what a beard is, right? 

Sage:

Yeah, yeah.

Emily:

And that's totally what this guy was looking for. He was looking for some woman to be like, oh, you're on my arm and I'm going to date you. And he was hard to get rid of. 

Sage:

That's another Peter Pan of LA. 

Emily:

You think so? 

Sage (08:43):

Half the guys we talk about, what's the first thing I say? There are a bunch of Peter Pans and I accuse every single one of them that they're most likely gay. And then you come back to me and you're like, you say that every time.

Emily (08:50):

Yeah. I think it's a broader spectrum here in LA. They could be anything along a spectrum and you don't really know. There's a lot of metrosexuals, which actually that's a throwback term from the nineties, I think. Right? When we were in high school, and I think I hadn't thought of that term in literally 20 years. And then I come to Los Angeles and I'm like, wow, everybody's a metrosexual, which is the guy is kind of feminine and puts a lot of gel in his hair, but he's not gay. So you have to like a feminine guy, kinda.

Sage (09:24):

I think they're bi.

Emily (09:26):

Maybe.

Sage (09:27):

They can go either way.

Emily (09:28):

They could, which is kind of not fair because then they can play both sides of the field and they don't leave anything for those of us that are not.  You know what I mean? 

Sage:

For all the single ladies.

Emily:

Yeah for all the single ladies, it’s like get off mine. It's like choose your side. So anyway, I had a whole bunch of others. There was a 30-year-old ghost writer who I ended up banging on the first date, and then he swoops in for the second date.

Sage (09:49):

Yeah?

Emily (09:49):

He brings a mason jar of leftover wine to my house. 

Sage:

Oh my.  Come on. 

Emily:

I'm not kidding. These are the guys on the dating apps. 

Sage:

You can't make this shit up. 

Emily:

I'm not making this up. And his plan for the second date is to watch a movie and we pick Dr. No, and the guy sits there. He doesn't touch me the entire night.

Sage:

But you had sex with him the first time.

Emily:

We had sex the first time. 

Sage:

Weird. 

Emily:

And then the second time we're sitting there drinking this wine out of a mason jar that is leftover from the first date.

Sage:

Leftover used wine. 

Emily:

It was so gross. I was like, wait, you still have this? And he's like, yeah, my friends told me that if I put it in a mason jar, it'll stay good. And I'm like, what? 

Sage:

Ok wait.  Did you guys kiss or do anything? 

Emily:

No. He didn't touch me. And then when the movie is over, we watched the entirety of Dr. No, which is really difficult. 

Sage:

I've never seen it.

Emily:

I don’t know if you've seen that. It's like the original James Bond movie, number one from Sean Connery, 1960s. It's actually kind of hilarious how awful he is as a man. But everyone celebrates him because he’s James Bond.

Sage:

Of course.

Emily:

He's sexy and everything. Anyway, so yeah, the kid gets up and remember he's 30 and so I'm already kind of like, oh wow, this is kind of bottom of my age gap or whatever.

(11:00):

And then he is just kind of like, okay, well thanks leaves the mason jar doesn't even give me a hug, a kiss, nothing, and then completely ghosts me. 

Sage:

What a trip. 

Emily:

And I'm like, what?

Sage:

Why did he even bother coming back over? 

Emily:

I don't know. I don't know what goes through their heads.

Sage (11:13):

Yeah.

Emily (11:13):

It's the weirdest thing. 

Sage:

What a waste of time. 

Emily:

I know. And then, okay, here's the most confusing one of all those. So after the apps, I got rid of them. I decided to take my hand at meeting guys in real life. It's very easy. 

Sage:

That's how I like doing it. 

Emily:

And that's what we talked about in the first episode, that it's extremely easy in this city to meet somebody and have sex with somebody. It is not hard. And so I pick up this bartender and you remember the bartender.  And I still to this day do not understand what he was thinking. And I'm thinking we should get Big K in on this one. 

Sage:

Ooh, the greaser? The car guy? 

Emily:

Yeah, because he’s our kind of straight male perspective.  We did promise everybody we would see if we could call him in. And I just don't know what happened with this guy.

Sage:

What’s going through their heads. And Big K could probably shed some light on this. 

Emily:

I think so.

Sage:

Yeah. 

Emily:

I would be curious to hear what he has to say about this bartender. 

Sage:

Ok. I will try to give him a buzz and see what he has to say.

Big K (12:24):

Hello.

Sage (12:25):

What up Big K, how are you?

Big K (12:28):

I'm good. How are you?

Sage (12:30):

Emily and I are great, and we actually wanted to give you a ring to go over some scenarios that these dudes put us through because we need your opinion. Like what is going on in their head?

Big K (12:44):

Well, I'm basically the professor. I could have a doctorate.

Emily (12:48):

Yes, yes. You've always been so helpful, Big K.

Sage:

Our go-to for sure.

Emily:

Yeah. Yeah. 

Sage:

Thank you for that. 

Emily:

We don't get it. And you know these situations that we get ourselves in are just so bizarre and yeah, we need to call in the professor.

Big K (13:03):

That's true. Because you can't make up the stuff that you guys get into.

Emily (13:06):

We literally just said that. 

Sage:

We just said that. I was like, you can't make this shit up. 

Emily:

No!

Sage:

I swear. 

Emily:

No, no. So I shared some little anecdotes of the weirdos that I met on dating apps, which is like never again, even though I think you'll agree with this Big K, I think we should get Sage a profile and get her on an app.

Sage (13:24):

She wants to put me on dating apps. No, I've never been on one, I’m not on social media.

Emily (13:27):

I think we do it as a little experiment, don't you Big K? We send her out.

Big K (13:33):

I believe we do that, and she will bring home the best content ever.

Emily (13:37):

Yes. K. Yes. All right. We have a vote. 

Sage:

This is why you are not Cool K. Because you have a dad bod and you're so full of shit. So you're just Cool K. Okay? 

Emily:

No Big K, Big K.

Sage:

That is what I meant.

Big K (13:53):

That’s alright. I mean, I'm still going to push for that Cool K. I'm going to keep working at it because I believe I'm cool. I mean, that just goes without saying.  

Emily (13:59):

Well, yeah, jury’s still out on that one. Okay, so here's the story of this bartender. Okay? Remember the bartender? I go out to this Italian restaurant with another girlfriend of ours, and the bartender is super cute, and we're sitting at one of the high tops behind the bar and he's literally, we have a server, but he's literally running from around the bar to serve us and we're making eye contact. And then my friend needs another glass of wine. So I kind of give him a little motion with my hand, and he's there in a flash filling our wine and we're flirting and I'm like, Ooh, this is going somewhere. And he's very hot. And I'm like, all right. So when our check comes, I write my number on the check, I bring it over to him and he immediately takes it. He sees it, he takes it, he's got the vibe, we've got this thing going, and he puts it in his pocket, texts me that night. And from there on we're texting, right?  And this goes on for three months. This is over the entire summer and we are trying to make scheduling and we're trying, his schedule's impossible. And he also doesn't plan in advance. Do men ever plan in advance? Is this something that the ladies should just be prepared for that we will never get advance notice from a guy? Is that true in your experience?

Big K (15:11):

Let's go back one step. Once you gave me the number, he should have texted that night and went over there and beat your brakes off you. So that's his thing, I don't know where he was trying to go with it, but yes, you ladies have so much problem thinking something's going to happen within the next day and the guy doesn't call you. So what I believe happened here is you pushed him into friend zone pretty quickly after three months. 

Emily:

What? I pushed him into the friend zone. 

Big K:

You didn't make a move. You couldn't go up there and say, Hey, let's go do something.

Sage (15:47):

Isn't it in his place to say, let's go do something? 

Emily:

Yeah, I gave him the number. So now it's like he has to reciprocate.

Big K (15:54):

You gave him the number, but this is 2024, you couldn't have said, Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?

Emily (16:01):

I don't think I did. 

Sage:

No, you wouldn't. That's not your style. 

Big K:

Sage is, 100%. 

Sage:

I would've assertively been like, hey, let's get together. 

Emily:

When are you off your shift, type of thing.

Sage (16:11):

Exactly.

Emily (16:11):

Yeah. No, I'm a little bit more passive. 

Big K:

That’s correct.

Emily:

But it was very positive. He texted me right away so that I had his number and we're texting throughout the night and then I think a week later he's like, what are you doing right now? And I'm like, I'm at the gym. And by the time I could get home from the gym and shower and be ready for a date, he had to go to work. And then in the next week he's like, what are you doing right now? And at that time I was at Planned Parenthood. Sage had sent me there to get tested for STDs because of another incident. So I can't be like, oh yeah, let me go on a date when I'm sitting in the room. 

Sage (16:47):

Well, you were like, my shit is sore, something's not right down there, and how do I go fix this? And I was like, you know what? I don't have health insurance and I've been going to Planned Parenthood for 23 years. So I sent Emily there, she's in the waiting room.

Emily (16:54):

First visit, first visit, and it went very well. 

Sage:

Yeah, they're very efficient there. 

Emily:

But when the bartender texts me being like, Hey, let's go out, I'm like, ah, no. I think I didn't answer or something. I didn't know what to do. I was just like, oh, this is awkward. So for three months, he's pursuing me. And then the timing finally works out. The bartender has exactly three hours from when his morning shift is over before he has to pick up his friends at LAX. And he's driving all over Los Angeles and he squeezes me in and he invites himself over to my place and he brings wine, real wine, a full bottle, a very nice bottle. 

Sage:

Nice. 

Big K:

I love that.

Emily:

And in his three hours, yeah, he starts off strong. In his three hours, he then proceeds to talk my ear off for over two hours, chatty Kathy doesn't stop talking.

Big K (17:51):

Loser.

Emily (17:52):

This and that. And I'm like, what the fuck? You know, Big K. And I'm not this type of person as Sage would attest to, even though clearly I had a town whore phase, but…

Sage:

You did.

Emily:

But this was like, I'm like, why are we not banging? 

Sage:

Right. 

Emily:

Why are you still talking? 

Sage:

Get to the point motherfucker. 

Emily:

We have limited time. What is going on? And I'm just nodding and nodding and he's going on and then he's like, I'm never going to get married. And I'm like, dude, 

Sage:

I don't want to hear this shit. 

Emily:

I don't want to marry you. I literally just want to get you over in my bed. 

Sage:

Big K. Why was he just sitting there for two hours talking her ear off, not fucking her? 

Emily:

What was he doing?

Big K (18:27):

Now what are you wearing that you couldn't have flashed him like a spread leg or you couldn't have just grazed the tip of his penis? What? We had no chance at any of that in the three hours?

Emily (18:37):

No, that's fair. I thought I looked hot. I sent Sage a selfie of my outfit and I tried really hard. But you're right. I stood there and drank my wine. 

Sage:

Big K, you know, you know what it is? She's got third grade teacher mom vibes.

Emily (18:53):

No!

Big K (18:53):

Oh, 1000000%.

Emily (18:58):

What?  Third grade teacher mom vibes?

Big K (18:58):

So you looked hot. 

Emily:

I did look hot. 

Big K:

So you look super hot and you never thought to reach over and give him an inner seam, ten finger, let him know, Hey, I'm trying to do some business here, or never anything?

Emily (19:11):

No.

Big K (19:13):

So you've never just reached over, grabbed his ding dong so he knows.

Emily (19:15):

No, I just sat there and listened to his life story. Oh,

Big K (19:20):

So that’s when you should cut him off with a kiss and say, hey, are we doing this or not?

Emily (19:25):

Okay, so what happens, 

Sage:

Yes, go ahead. 

Emily:

Is that I'm looking at the clock and I'm like, aren't your friends landing right now? I know what time their plane lands. And he's like, oh yeah, I got to go. Then he swoops in for the kiss, and the kiss is hot, heavy. I do not let him go. This is when I wrap my legs around him and I'm like, oh buddy.

Sage (19:42):

Get it, girl.

Emily (19:43):

We are not. I waited all this time. I listened to you for freaking two hours and 45 minutes. 

Sage:

Yeah. It's my turn. 

Emily:

Time to go.

Big K (19:51):

We're moisting. We’re moisting. We're moisting up. We're moisting up. We're moisting up now.

Emily (19:53):

Yeah, and I had some wine at that point. So yeah, I was feeling better. I'm feeling a little bit more ready for this. I guess I'm really not assertive at all, huh? 

Sage:

No.

Big K:

No. 

Emily:

Hm, ok, we need to work on this. Okay. Alright. 

Sage:

Okay. So then what happens? 

Emily:

So we rip each other's clothes off. It's like bam. And it's like he has to go and everything. And it is literally the fastest of all time. He's in, out, comes all over me. Done. It's probably less than 30 seconds. And then he runs out the door to get his friends. 

Sage:

Wait, is he wearing a condom? Okay, he seriously got hard and came in two minutes. He was capable of doing that.

Emily (20:25):

It was less than two minutes. It was so fast. 

Sage:

Wait, Big K.. Is that possible?

Big K (20:32):

Okay, here's my thing. You guys don't understand. The anticipation of three months before you're going to get it is going to mess you up anyway. So I'm not condemning what he did. I'm saying if I'm waiting three months, I chat your ear off, we start making out. I get a super boner. I probably have ED, and then you put your wet vagina on my hard thing. And of course it's going to be quick because the anticipation is three months.

Sage (21:03):

Good point. 

Big K:

If you had been with you the first night…

Emily:

Well, he also had to pick up his friends.

Big K (21:05):

Right? Well, no. Yeah. And he was like, I got to go, but I'm not going with blue balls.  That’s where it was.

Sage (21:11):

I'm not going with blue balls. 

Emily:

No. And then he texts me later and he's like, I showed up smelling like sex. And I'm like, well yeah, of course you did. 

Sage:

Big K, what does sex smell like? What's that term you use?

Big K (21:25):

Oh, badussy?  Booty, dick and pussy?

Emily (21:27):

Wait, what? Wait, say it again. 

Sage:

What's the definition? What's the definition of badussy?

Big K (21:32):

Badussy.  That’s booty, dick and pussy. The smell all wrapped up in one.

Emily (21:37):

Okay. So he's claiming he has badussy, I guess. 

Sage:

Okay. 

Emily:

And then he shows up and his friends know he had sex. And I'm like, well that's nice for you because I got nothing. 

Sage:

You didn't come? 

Emily:

No. 

Sage:

You didn't get off. 

Emily:

I didn't even have a chance. It was so fast. It was like, bye, see you later. And so I'm sitting there, in anticipation

Big K:

He left you hanging?

Emily:

Oh, very hanging, very, very hanging.

Big K (21:57):

Okay, so did you at least finish yourself off? I mean, you can't have that kind of stuff going on down there and not finish it off. That's bad for everything involved in your body.

Emily (22:04):

Big K. We will leave that to everyone's imagination. But I'm pissed. Then he texted me later, right? So I'm like, okay. I hear from him already and he says, it's so funny. I showed up smelling like sex. Ha, which we now know is badussy.

Sage (22:15):

Yup.

Emily (22:17):

And then what did he say? He said something else. And then I said, next time let's go slower and longer or something like that. And he had also said in his two hour, 45 minute little monologue, he did say something about wanting to take me out to dinner and all this stuff and blah, blah blah. So I'm like, okay, there's going to be a next time. We can't just leave it like that. 

Sage:

Right. There's potential.

Emily:

After three months, you can't just be like 30 seconds and out smelling like badussy and leaving me hanging and we're supposed to go to dinner, right? 

Big K:

Correct.

Emily:

But then he never calls, never hear from him.

Big K (22:47):

Okay, so let's go with plan one. First of all, how can you call somebody back when you're so embarrassed that you came in two seconds?

Emily (22:56):

You think so? You think he was embarrassed?

Big K (22:57):

As a grown man, I'm not going back. What if I come again in two seconds?

Sage (23:02):

But I thought you had mentioned before that he would be back to redeem himself.

Big K (23:09):

I thought he was, but now I see he's just a coward who can't fuck.

Emily (23:11):

He's a coward who can't fuck. Yes!

Sage:

There you go. 

Emily:

Yes!

Sage:

We like that. 

Emily:

And he should be lucky that we are not revealing the bar that he works at or who he is because we could.

Sage (23:22):

Exactly.  A coward who can’t fuck - this is a great term.

Emily:

Yes!

Big K (23:26):

So my thing is, first of all, I mean what type of position did we missionary it? Or are we up against the wall? What did we do? Did we make it to the bed? What's going on?

Emily (23:36):

Yes. I dragged him to the bed and…

Big K (23:39):

You dragged him to bed. He's on top of you. He pumps three times, unloads in your belly and walks out.

Emily (23:43):

Yes, yes.

Big K (23:45):

Did he pull his pants down just to the ankle? Did he pull the ankle?  Ankle fucking you?

Emily (23:47):

I think I ripped his pants off. Clothes were ripped. It was like off. Because it was so hot. K, this was my biggest passion in a long time. It was so, oh, it was like three months and he was hot and I was hot and we were a little drunk and it was just like, and the time constraint, it was just so awesome. But then it was over in a blink of the eye and I've never heard from him since.

Big K (24:09):

Okay. I'm sorry. But okay, so we need to clarify this two minutes and you ripping clothes off and why he said he smelled like pussy when he left your house.

Emily (24:19):

Yeah, he did. Well, he was in me.

Big K (24:22):

How would his friends, unless he pulled his dick out and said, smell this to his buddy, you can't smell my dick through my pants. Did he say, Hey John, why don't you smell my dick real quick? Look where I was. What are we talking about?

Emily:

I don't know. 

Big K:

I have had plenty of sex and I've walked right to my classroom and my teacher didn't even know I had sex. So what are we talking about?

Emily (24:44):

Well, this guy is clearly a noob. He clearly is a newbie. He doesn't know what he's doing. 

Sage:

No, he's a bartender. He's had sex with so many women. 

Big K:

No doubt.

Emily:

Maybe he's lazy. He's lazy.

Sage:

Right, Big K?

Big K (24:56):

I believe he pulled his penis out and he let his boy sniff it. That's all I'm saying.

Emily (25:00):

Uhhh, it's like a, I don't know, pumping on the chest male thing. 

Sage:

Like a trophy.

Emily:

Yeah.  Like I just banged this chick.

Big K (25:05):

Yeah. I got another one, I got another one.

Emily (25:06):

Ew. Ew. Well,

Big K (25:10):

But you haven't been back to that. Have you been back to the bar?

Emily (25:12):

No. No. I won’t go there.

Big K:

Never?

Emily:

No. No, I wouldn't go. No way.

Big K (25:19):

If he called you, if he texted you and says, Hey, I don't want to go out, I just want to smash to try to redeem, what would you do?

Emily (25:24):

I would say, no, not at this point. Absolutely not. He left me absolutely hanging. And then after that my vagina smelled terrible for five days. 

Big K:

Ew!

Sage:

That's right.

Emily:

It was disgusting. 

Sage:

It not only smelled bad, 

Emily:

He was in there for two seconds and then I had the worst smell that I couldn't get rid of. Sage had to bail me out. 

Sage (25:47):

I remember that. So Emily was like, my vagina smells and my period is late. 

Big K:

Oh goodness.

Sage:

And I was like, listen. I said, I have vagina goop that will take away the smell. I got it from Planned Parenthood.

Emily:

But it was expired.

Sage:

But it was expired. And I was like, who cares if it's expired? We don't want to go back to Planned Parenthood and wait in a long fucking line.

Emily (26:02):

I know. I was just there.

Sage (26:03):

Take the goop. I still use it if need be.

Emily (26:05):

I know. I know.

Sage (26:06):

But then when your period was late for a week,

Emily (26:07):

I was freaking out. Can you imagine? Can you imagine if I was pregnant? 

Big K (26:13):

If you got pregnant off of a two minute sex session.

Sage (26:16):

Fucking sucks. 

Emily:

In my forties. I'm not that fertile.

Big K (26:20):

That would be unbelievable.

Emily (26:21):

No, well, it all worked out. 

Sage:

That is like abortion. Abortion.

Emily:

In my forties? How irresponsible is that?  I don’t know.

Sage:

Abortion level.

Big K (26:31):

How's your vagina smell now though?

Emily (26:32):

Oh, it's fine. We're all clear.

Big K (26:35):

Did we use the goop? Did we use it?

Sage (26:37):

She did not. 

Emily:

I didn't end up using the goop. 

Sage:

Nope. I still have it. I have it.

Emily:

But she has it.

Sage:

In case it’s needed, it’s around.

Emily:

We have the expired vagina goop from Planned Parenthood on the shelf.

Sage:

In case. 

Emily:

Waiting. Waiting for the next moment because it will be used, probably, in the next moment. But of course I'm not going to call him back if he called after that?  No.  He left me with smelly vagina.  

Big K:

No way.

Emily:

That’s disgusting.

Big K (27:04):

He left you with smelly vagina.

Emily (27:06):

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Big K (27:08):

No one wants to go down there and smell that. I can tell you that right now.

Emily (27:10):

Hey Big K, thank you so much for picking up my call. It was awesome to catch up with you.

Big K (27:15):

Hey, anytime for Sage and Emily. I'm here for you guys.

Emily (27:17):

Thank you for your advice, but I'm not, if he calls, it's a no. 

Sage:

We'll have you back on in the future.

Big K (27:22):

Yeah. Hey, remember that and take care of that stinky vagina please and thank you.

Emily (27:25):

Oh, she's good. She's good. But thank you for your concern. 

Sage:

Okay, take care. 

Emily:

Talk to you soon. 

Big K:

Alright guys.  Bye. 

Sage (27:30):

That was Big K. He is a dear friend of mine. We met five years ago and he is my go-to, he's so fun. 

Emily:

He's super fun.

Sage:

Really helpful in the men department, and hopefully he’ll be back.

Emily (27:47):

Yeah, definitely.

Sage (27:51):

I think that was an enjoyable conversation.

Emily (27:52):

Definitely. Well, we're going to be getting into a lot more messes where we're going to need Big K's perspective and his guidance. 

Sage:

And his guidance.

Emily:

Because that's what we're going to do. So today is a wrap everybody, but please follow along, subscribe and share. We are going to be here on a weekly basis really sharing with you how we are navigating this midlife post-marriage mayhem as we explore these topics of these datescapades and these sexcapades and everything that's happening to us in real life, including our friendships and our work and our financials and everything else. So hopefully we will see you again real soon. 

Sage:

Cheers. Till next time. 

Emily:

Bye.

Sage:

Bye.