Dick Drought

Both the girls have not been dating or having sex recently - and admit that sometimes, for women, this can be intentional.  But after a wild party at an underground bar, Emily ignores a rare male deformity and attempts to break her drought.

Transcript

Sage (00:00):

Hey, listeners, we're back again recording in foggy Santa Monica Canyon with our podcast Watch Me Do It while sipping on tequila and taking a few cigarette breaks in between this recording session.

Emily (00:13):

Well, you, you're taking your cigarette breaks. 

Sage:

Yes. 

Emily:

For the record,

Sage (00:16):

Not Emily.

Emily (00:16):

Emily does not smoke. 

Sage:

Yeah, just Sage.

Emily:

Never have. Just once when I was in Italy and I threw up and I've never smoked again. 

Sage:

Emily, this is already our fourth episode. 

Emily:

It is.

Sage (00:27):

What do you think?

Emily (00:28):

How about that?

Sage (00:29):

How about the traction on this?

Emily (00:30):

I think it's been a lot of fun and we're going to keep going, and so I hope all of you have been having fun too. So thanks for listening.

Sage (00:36):

Absolutely. It's been a wild ride. 

Emily:

Yes. To say the least. 

Sage:

As we navigate through… 

Emily:

Life? 

Sage:

And prompting this podcast, it's been very eye-opening.

Emily (00:49):

Yeah, it's been helpful. We've been talking off air that it's a lot like therapy, our therapy to each other, that we get to come here and talk about our crazy shit and what's going on in our lives. 

Sage:

Love it. Love it. 

Emily:

And we hope it's therapy for you too in its strange way.

Sage (01:07):

Totally. If we're touching on points that our listeners feel

Emily (01:12):

Yeah.

Sage (01:13):

Please comment, subscribe,

Emily:

Yeah, chime in.

Sage:

Like it.

Emily:

Share it. 

Sage:

Yeah. We're all in this together.

Emily (01:20):

Yeah. We're going to keep going.

Sage (01:21):

And no answer is the wrong answer. 

Emily:

No.

Sage:

It's just us floating through this together.

Emily (01:27):

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Sage (01:29):

So I love this episode. It's so relevant because I know other women out there who are fresh out of fucks like us…. have also endured a dick drought…

Emily (01:37):

Totally. The dick drought is kind of the worst, but kind of the best at the same time. 

Sage:

It's common and it depends on if…

Emily:

It depends on how long your drought is.

Sage (01:50):

And if it’s working for you, if you're ignoring it, if you don't really want it.

Emily (01:53):

Yeah. So basically a dick drought is like, you know, it's a drought. You haven't had any water for quite some time.

Sage (02:00):

While you're moist.

Emily (02:01):

Yeah. Well, no, I think that's part of it. As women, we can go a very, very, very long time without having sex. We can go without the dick for a while.

Sage (02:12):

And there's other options, of course.

Emily (02:14):

Of course. Yes. 

Sage:

We've got shower heads, we've got dildos, we've got…

Emily (02:18):

Ourselves.

Sage (02:19):

Our fingers.

Emily (02:20):

And we know how to do it better than they ever could.

Sage (02:21):

That’s right.

Emily (02:22):

To be honest. Let's be real.

Sage (02:23):

Yeah. So while you may think no one wants to hook up with you, you could be totally wrong. Because actually the reason why this dick drought's happening for me is because I'm picking and choosing while I have a Rolodex of men that would love to fuck me.

Emily (02:42):

Exactly. You have a Rolodex, but you also haven't been single that long. Remember we talked about how we've been these serial monogamists, our whole adult lives. 

Sage:

Right.

Emily:

I've been single three years. You've been single, what, three months with your Rolodex all lined up?

Sage:

Maybe six months. 

Emily:

You're not really in a drought.

Sage:

No.

Emily:

That's not a drought.

Sage (03:01):

But I don't want any of these again, Peter Pans, and be bothered.

Emily (03:05):

How long, what's the longest drought, dick drought you've been in?

Sage (03:09):

I've never had one because I've been in relationship after relationship.

Emily (03:11):

Exactly!

Sage (03:12):

I’ve always had dick to fuck. 

Emily (03:13):

So you can easily say Coach, put me on the bench. 

Sage:

Yeah.

Emily:

I have had a 13 month dick drought.  

Sage (03:21):

No, but I have to argue with you.

Emily (03:23):

13 months.

Sage (03:25):

Okay. Back at your town whore phase that we spoke of, I think episode one.

Emily (03:29):

Yes, correct.

Sage (03:30):

I've seen you literally go to a bar…

Emily:

The phase is over.

Sage:

…pick up whatever man you want, and it's a done deal by the end of the night.

Emily (03:39):

Yeah, that's true.

Sage (03:40):

And so again, I think you're picking your dick drought as well. Maybe you don't have the Rolodex that I do.

Emily (03:45):

I don't have the Rolodex.

Sage (03:46):

But I know you can go out there and get laid.

Emily (03:48):

Yeah. I mean, I get hit on the street all the time, as you know. 

Sage:

Exactly.

Emily:

All the time. And I never call them back, ever. Well, the latest one, he was literally homeless. And he even said that to me. But I didn't know at first because he didn't smell like pee and he wasn't dirty, but he kind of had a homeless vibe and he was crazy and outgoing and chatty, but not on the drugs crazy. But maybe he was, maybe it was early on in the high. I don't know. Anyway, he said his name was Invasion and he asked me out for dinner or a movie, and I instantly was, like something about his outfit. I was like, something tells me I'm going to be paying for this evening. And I just kept saying, No, thank you. No thank you. 

Sage:

Well, can he afford to take you out to dinner? 

Emily:

I know, right? It was very bold. 

Sage:

Is he homeless or not? 

Emily:

He did. He said he was homeless. Because he asked me, he goes, he goes…

Sage (04:39):

Was he like my tent’s over here on Venice?

Emily (04:40):

I don't know, I didn't ask, but he was like, oh, do you have a house? And I was like, no, I don't have a house. And then he was like, do, he was like, do you have an apartment? And I was like, yes, I have an apartment. And then he was like, I don't, I'm homeless. And I was like, that's your pickup line. 

Sage (04:59):

And what are you wearing? Are you wearing a dress?

Emily (05:00):

Well, that's why I think these guys hit on me is because I wear a dress and all of LA has a uniform. The women have to wear their Lululemons and their little crop tops.

Sage (05:09):

Yup.

Emily (05:09):

And actually an older gentleman, he stopped me on the street once and he said, it is so nice to see a woman wearing a dress. This is back when I worked in an office in the Valley. And so I had to get super dressed up. So I'm wearing heels and the whole nine yards and my Prada perfume, which I love. And I just like, yeah, I put myself together. And the guy made the comment that, especially in Los Angeles, it is extremely rare to see that.  Now go to New York, whole different story.

Sage (05:32):

Totally.

Emily (05:33):

But yeah, here it's like you're in your sweats all the time. 

Sage:

I will say this.

Emily:

And I wear a dress, and that is what I attribute why these guys always stop me on the street.  It’s the dress.

Sage (05:41):

There have been two comments made to you by these random men that stick out for me. 

Emily:

Ok.

Sage:

One is that you have substance.

Emily:

Yeah.

Sage:

Because you are a full on woman of independence with moxie. And then the second is what you just reiterated that I'm in a dress and not in Lululemon with my crop top.

Emily (06:01):

I like the way I put myself together to leave the house. 

Sage (06:05):

And so I think that some men, and you wear makeup and you're done up and you have your Masonic earrings on. That's a whole nother subject. But I think that's the attraction of these guys that are like, you stand out because you have substance. You're wearing a dress in heels, and you’re just like…

Emily (06:23):

And they stop me all the time. Not all of them are homeless. I think only two. I think the others, because we counted the other day. I think I'm up to six or something, and the one guy stopped me twice.

Sage:

But there was that other homeless guy. Was that back in Boston? 

Emily:

That was in Boston, that was off of an app. And we don't know if he was homeless. That was just a theory.

Sage:

But he was overly staying and taking a shower and eating your food.

Emily:

He comes over to my house, he was supposed to bring condoms. He does bring flowers, which I was like, cute. 

Sage:

Wait a second. Let me just…

Emily:

He forgets the condom. 

Sage:

Girl. 

Emily:

We don't have sex.

Sage (06:56):

You always have your own condoms, by the way.  Brand Skyn.  S-K-Y-N is the way to go.

Emily (07:03):

Oh, we're doing a brand play here.

Sage (07:05):

I guess we are. But that's what I have on hand. 

Emily (07:05):

Ok, Ok, a little pro tip for the ladies.

Sage (07:06):

To avoid the goop at an STD visit at Planned Parenthood, we have Skyn condoms on board.

Emily (07:19):

I’ll have to pick some up because, well, no, this was back when I was just fresh, newly single, first time on the apps. Yeah, it was back in Boston years ago. And the guy, so I was not prepared. He brings flowers, but nothing else. And then, yeah, he stays over, he asks, nothing happens. We're literally laying on my bed talking. And he was a kind of strange dude. Definitely something's off.

Sage (07:40):

Yeah.

Emily (07:41):

And he asked to sleep over, and I'm like, okay. And he stays in my bed. And then this is when I was working remotely. This was in Covid.

Sage (07:47):

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Emily (07:49):

I was taking big risks. This is how lonely I was.

Sage (07:52):

Everyone was taking big risks during Covid.

Emily (07:54):

So yeah, there's this man at my house, and then I go downstairs to log into work and I have a meeting with my colleague, my direct report, and I'm like on Zoom chatting with her, and all of a sudden I hear the shower going and I'm like, is he taking a shower? And then he comes downstairs and he makes himself coffee. And I'm trying not to make a face, and my direct report is just cracking. She's looking at me like, oh, she was busted. There's a dude in that room, I can tell. And then my friends afterwards, and then he leaves. He doesn't say goodbye. He literally just leaves. And then my friends afterwards were like, dude, that guy was homeless, and he used you.

Sage:

Does he ever contact you again?

Emily:

No.

Sage (08:31):

Yeah. Okay.

Emily (08:31):

He used me for the bed, the shower and the coffee.

Sage (08:34):

Right. And the coffee.

Emily (08:35):

And then he was gone.

Sage (08:35):

Okay.

Emily (08:36):

So now when I meet someone named Invasion in a park in Venice, California…

Sage:

Same. 

Emily:

Oh, my guard is up.

Sage (08:43):

Expectations are very low.

Emily (08:44):

I’m like, absolutely not.  I was like no, thank you. I'm all set. But even the guys that have picked me up, to your point, that are normal.

Sage:

Somewhat.

Emily:

You hope.

Sage (08:52):

Somewhat.

Emily (08:54):

I have not taken them up on their offers. You're correct. I have not. And I could.  I could break my drought. I could call any one of those guys…

Sage:

Yes.

Emily:

 But I am in this drought. Yeah.

Sage (09:06):

So you speak of.  Anyways, so with my Rolodex of men, one in particular, we'll call him Mr. Mercedes-Benz. Okay. 

Emily:

Yes!  Mr. Mercedez.

Sage:

He claims that he's got this Venice Beach house. It's bitching. And he's in the music industry. And I hear from him pretty frequently.

Emily (09:30):

You loved him at first because you think he's so hot. He's gorgeous. He's like, model gorgeous.

Sage (09:34):

Right. And he's got New York accent, and…

Emily (09:39):

I didn't know that about him.

Sage (09:39):

Oh yeah. And I'm like, that's cute. But he's so materialistic and flashy and bad game. Bad game. Listen, if you have bad game, you will not impress Sage. And if you are materialistic with Mercedes and your beach house, I don't fucking care. 

Emily:

Oh, the Mercedes-Benz did nothing for her. Nothing. 

Sage:

Nothing. So the first time he calls and he's like, FaceTiming me after two days after we met. By the way, we meet at Bungalow.

Emily:

Of course.

Sage:

Like I meet all of 'em in the pool room and everyone's doing billiards. And I met many men there, ok, whatever. And he's like, I'll pick you up and I'll take you out. Okay, so he pulls up to my apartment, Mercedes-Benz, and I get into the passenger seat, of course. And he's like, I want u, but I want u. It's like with the letter U, not YOU.

Emily:

Like he can't speak.

Sage:

Yeah, like every time.

Emily (10:45):

He speaks like he texts.

Sage (10:46):

Exactly.

Emily (10:47):

I want dick in u. I want dick in u. I want u bad. Grammar mistake, grammar mistake, punctuation, mistake.

Sage (10:56):

What u doing?  And I'm like, how do you have a beach house in Venice and a Mercedes-Benz, and you don't even have any grammar, like proper punctuation or grammar sentencing that's legit by English language. How did you get so far ahead of your career? 

Emily (11:17):

Sage here is in the car for what, 15 seconds? And then she's like, hell no. And gets out of the car.

Sage (11:18):

Exactly. I was like, you have the worst game. I'm not impressed. 

Emily:

She's done. 

Sage:

And I get out of the fucking Mercedes and I was like, no, bye bye. 

Emily;

And that was months ago. 

Sage:

Months. 

Emily:

And he just texted you today.

Sage (11:28):

Yeah.  Ready to go.

Emily (11:29):

Rolodex. Well, wait, you missed the part about the FaceTime. You have to tell the people about the second, the two days after you met.

Sage (11:35):

Yeah. So then that FaceTime, I was like, oh! Oh my God. I met him two or three days ago and he's FaceTiming me. 

Emily:

He’s calling me - ah! 

Sage:

I'm excited. And so I answered the FaceTime and he's jacking off literally. And I was like, really? We're already there. Not, how was your day? 

Emily (11:51):

He set the tone right off the bat.

Sage (11:53):

Yeah.  Which is just about fucking.

Emily (11:55):

And then he tried to change your mind when he rolls up in his Mercedes, but you were like, no, no,

Sage (12:00):

No. It's not about just fucking. 

Emily:

No. 

Sage:

On my end, it's about engaging and taking me out and having something to talk about and substance like yourself, where someone else has made that great comment to you. 

Emily:

It’s very nice.

Sage:

But what you doing, dick wants you. It's like, what are you a neanderthal? What's wrong with you? And you have no fucking game. I'm not going to be bothered with that.

Emily (12:27):

Well, mine's weird because yeah, some of these guys that have hit on me on the street recently are very nice, wholesome men that I just have not been compelled to reach out to them. But then when I went to this lady's house, so as you all know, if you've been following along, I am unemployed at the moment and I'm trying to figure out how to pay my bills. So donations are accepted, but I am answering these ads of small jobs, help stuff, whatever. And I answer my first ad and I get my first gig to go to this lady's house and dog sit, but she's having me come at Saturday night at 10:00 PM and I'm like, oh, this is crazy. And Sage, you were like, where are you going? Do not do this. Don't not do this. And I was like, no, no, no. This is how broke I am. I have to do this. And so I'm answering this ad and I'm walking down the street and I literally, as I'm walking down the street and it's 10 o’clock, I'm like, this could be a bad situation. I could get myself into something here where I could be gang banged. But then Sage, I was actually kind of excited about it.

Sage (13:28):

I love that.

Emily (13:28):

That's how bad my drought iis right now, that I was like, Hmm, what if they're hot?  That could actually be a really fun Saturday night.

Sage (13:34):

You literally called me that night and you're like, I actually would consider getting raped at this point. I'm open to it.

Emily (13:42):

I'd be like, Hey, if you're good looking, yeah, let's go. You don't have to put an ad up. No. It ended up being the sweetest little lady, and now she's a client of mine and it's great. But at the same time, I was a little like, Hmm, maybe this is the new way that people meet.

Sage (13:54):

Well, you just met someone last Friday night at a birthday party.

Emily (14:00):

That is true. I did.  I did.  I did meet somebody at a birthday party.

Sage (14:04):

This is a very spectacular, unbelievable story. I've never encountered anything like this before, and I'm so glad it happened to you and not me.

Emily (14:21):

I'm the lucky one. Wait, wait, wait. We got to take a step back though and talk about this birthday party. First of all, I was so excited to get invited to a birthday party because remember, I'm new to LA. I still don't feel like I have very many friends. And it was my invitation. I got invited and I brought you, and you were absolutely required to come. You didn't really want to go.

Sage (14:41):

No, I was dragging ass. I was like, really? 

Emily:

You were like, where is it? Who’s going to be there?

Sage:

I'd rather go to bed at 8:30 at night on a Friday night.

Emily (14:47):

Yeah, you were being a pain in the butt. But I was like, no, no, no. This is a requirement. We are going to this birthday party. And so this is a new friend of mine. He's a male friend, which is really exciting. I haven't had guy friends in a while since before Covid, I've just been surrounded by women. And so it is really nice to have some guy friends here in LA and I have a few actually, which is really nice. Platonic guy friends.

Sage (15:10):

I prefer platonic guy friends as well.

Emily (15:12):

Yeah, no, it's nice. It's a nice vibe. And so I really wanted to go to his birthday party and he hosted it at his bar. So this friend owns his own bar, but it's totally underground.

Sage (15:24):

It's not permitted. 

Emily:

It's not permitted. 

Sage:

You can't even see the front door.

Emily (15:26):

It's not licensed. And he lives in the bar.

Sage (15:29):

Which is so awesome. Can I move in with this dude?

Emily (15:30):

I know Sage. 

Sage:

What a dream. 

Emily:

I had you there when I was like, well, he lives in the bar. So it's not zoned for an apartment. It doesn't have a liquor license. It's very like hush hush. You have to know somebody to know somebody. So not only did I get the birthday invite, but I know where this bar is.

Sage (15:46):

And that’s so LA.  

Emily:

I feel so cool!

Sage:

Underground, no one knows.

Emily (15:47):

I know!

Sage (15:48):

Makes it feel special.

Emily (15:50):

I know. So we take an Uber off to Mid-City, and it took us a little while to find the door because, you know, it’s basically a warehouse. It looks like a boarded up warehouse, and it's got graffiti and stuff on the side.

Sage (16:01):

And there's no address numbers.

Emily (16:03):

No, no. 

Sage:

It’s very hard to identify.

Emily:

I had to text another friend, he texted me and was like, what's the address? And I was like, I don't know. I was like, why are you asking me? And so we eventually got the address, get down there, and it is the coolest vibe, this bar.

Sage (16:16):

So cool. Dive Bar Central.

Emily (16:18):

Oh, it's so rad. Rad. And it's got a really good vibe. Everyone's just in a really good mood and people are wearing Hawaiian shirts and lays and stuff. And the birthday boy's in a really good mood, and he's looking really sharp.

Sage (16:29):

And they're doing cocaine and smoking weed. It's like anything goes.

Emily (16:33):

Yeah. Which I mean you would expect. You're not going to go to a bar like that and it's like everyone's just sitting there like sweetly.

Sage (16:40):

But yet I couldn't order a margarita.

Emily (16:42):

No.

Sage (16:42):

It was limited in that way.

Emily (16:43):

Limited alcohol. 

Sage:

Yes.

Emily:

Very limited alcohol. But he did hook us up because I ordered a few gin and tonics and it was like…

Sage (16:52):

All gin.

Emily (16:53):

A vase of gin and then…

Sage:

A splash

Emily:

Maybe a splash of tonic. 

Sage:

Totally.

Emily:

And so I have not been drinking much at all. The last time we went out was my birthday, so it's been quite a while since we went out or I've really had a drink. And so three of these…

Sage:

Gin and tonics that are all gins. They're going to take you out, babe. 

Emily:

Just gin. I was feeling very good.

Sage:

I could tell in the photos and the videos. Yeah, you're fucking feeling saucy. 

Emily:

We were feeling, we were feeling it. It was feeling it.

Sage (17:20):

Yeah.

Emily (17:21):

And so I was, you know, to your point before about me easily being able to break my dick drought and easily being able to pick up a guy and easily being able to just do it. I was ready to do it. I was like, all right, game on. 

Sage:

Get it, girl. 

Emily:

Here we go. And so we went to the back, which you like to call the green room, which I think is hilarious. 

Sage (17:39):

Well, because in LA, if you go to the back, it is called the green room.

Emily (17:43):

Yeah, but it was like the dude's bedroom.

Sage (17:44):

Well, I mean there's a kitchen, there's a bathroom, there's a storage unit.

Emily (17:47):

There were some couches.

Sage (17:48):

Yeah, there's multiple rooms.

Emily (17:50):

And it's literally behind the bar. So behind the bar is a curtain. And then behind that curtain is this green room. 

Sage:

Living space. 

Emily:

Yeah, living space with his bed. And it's very groovy and it's got good lighting and whatever. And we meet these guys and there's four of them. I only remembered three, but photos,

Sage:

There's three to four. 

Emily:

Photos show four, yeah, something like that. And one of them in particular, I was getting the vibe. It was like game on.  And cake comes out, and that cake was disgusting. 

Sage:

I didn't even try it. It looked awful. 

Emily:

No, I think this is what put me over the edge. So the cake was all sugar and rum. I mean, it was dripping, wet, dripping. 

Sage:

It was too much rum. 

Emily:

You would have a fork of cake and it would just be dripping with rum. It was just so gross. So I take my finger in the little buttercream frosting and I decided to try to feed it to this guy. But I hesitate like, I don't know, I don't know. Is he into it? Is he not into it? And he totally takes it. Licks my finger. I'm like, game on, game on, here we go, dick drought’s over, dick drought’s over, here we go. Right?

Sage (18:50):

Yep.

Emily (18:50):

I don't know what happened to you. You disappeared as you do.

Sage (18:54):

Well, no. There was a point when I was in the green room sitting next to another friend of ours. An older woman.

Emily (19:00):

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Yeah that’s right.

Sage (19:00):

I think she's the one that put the temporary tattoo on my stomach that I found two days later.

Emily (19:06):

Maybe.

Sage (19:06):

Yeah, I was like, who did that to me?

Emily (19:08):

It must've been her.

Sage (19:08):

It's a pirate.

Emily (19:09):

Or one of the boys.

Sage (19:10):

Yeah

Emily:

Cute! 

Sage:

Right? 

Emily:

No, that's great.

Emily (19:11):

Yeah.

Sage (19:12):

Okay. 

Emily:

So photo evidence that you were there. 

Sage:

Right. There was also a video of evidence that I was lost and slurring my words, and I couldn't find my way out of there.

Emily (19:20):

These drinks were so stiff, you guys. It was insane. And he gave us, with our third round, he gave us another, the bartender who hooked us up. We were double fisting at one point, and I did not need anymore. And I certainly did not need this rum cake. The rum set me off for sure. Yeah.  But anyway.

Sage (19:37):

So I'm floating around somewhere.

Emily (19:39):

Somewhere, somewhere. And then you end up leaving me.

Sage (19:42):

Yes. I had to break girl code because…

Emily (19:43):

You did, you broke girl code.

Sage (19:46):

It is so unlike of Emily to not be found. She is the responsible one. She is there. She's my go-to and I can always access you. 

Emily

Yeah. I'm the mom. I get everybody in the Uber at the end of the night and home safely. 

Sage:

Exactly. So when I knew I couldn't find you and saw the interaction between you and that dude, I was like, oh, she's getting it on. Let her have her fun. I'm going to call an Uber for myself. I am tapped out. I need to go home.

Emily (20:14):

I was not upset that you broke girl code. 

Sage:

Right because you were getting laid. 

Emily:

But your 16-year-old daughter was very upset that you broke girl code.

Sage:

My 16-year-old daughter was like, you never leave your friend!

Emily:

You never break girl code! So we pissed off the teenagers, but I was fine. I was great. I’m in the back In some other, like there was another section of the bar that was closed off. It was an event room or something. And then in the back of that, there was this storage space and there was all this shit on the floor. I don't even know what it was.

Sage (20:39):

You said it was like suitcases.

Emily (20:42):

Maybe like a suitcase.  I don’t know.

Sage (20:43):

You said basically you hooked up on a suitcase and a storage room.

Emily (20:46):

Yeah. I don't know. It was so madness. But this guy, so hot and we're making out so super heavy.

Sage (20:55):

Wait and say this too. Let's not forget. He was your type. 

Emily:

He was my type. 

Sage:

He had the beard, he had the brown hair. He was tall, but a little slender.

Emily (21:07):

He was so nice.

Sage (21:08):

This is Emily's type. A hundred percent.

Emily (21:11):

Oh yeah. No. And once he licked the frosting off my finger, I was like, yes!  Here we go.

Sage (21:15):

Right.

Emily (21:15):

So anyway, so we're making out. It's so heavy. Clothes are off. I kind of remember unbuttoning, his little Hawaiian shirt. And then next thing I remember is that I'm feeling his body and I'm like, Ooh, like washboard abs.

Sage:

Yes.

Emily:

Awesome. Then I keep feeling, and then it's just, it’s like more nubs.

Sage (21:36):

Okay.

Emily (21:38):

Like, three little nubs.

Sage:

Three?

Emily:

Yeah. 

Sage:

What do you mean, he has three penises? 

Emily:

No, no. It was like a little nub. And then two little balls.

Sage (21:49):

Little tiny balls.

Emily (21:50):

Little tiny. So then I'm like, wait, wait…

Sage:

Wait, wait, so did you have sex with a hermaphrodite or what? 

Emily:

No, no, no. I don't think he had girl parts. Isn't a hermaphrodite, they've got girl and boy. It's like both. He was definitely a man. A hundred percent. A hundred percent he was a man. 

Sage:

Okay, wait, wait. 

Emily:

And then I thought, well, I'm drunk, maybe I'm wrong. So I just grabbed his ass and he's all over me. This was hot, hot sex. He's all over me. And then I'm like, okay, wait, let me try again. I was like, I'm really drunk. The rum cake. I'm going to feel him again. And I was like, oh, nope, definitely. It was like a knuckle. 

Sage:

Like a nub knuckle?

Emily:

Like a nub knuckle.  Yeah.

Sage (22:26):

Wait.

Emily (22:27):

There was no penis, Sage.  Like none.

Sage (22:27):

Wait, like one inch or half?  

Emily:

There was no penis. 

Sage (22:35):

That has never happened to me, nor have I met someone where this has happened to them.

Emily (22:38):

But you know what? I kind of didn't care. We just kept making out. And then he just did all of the most amazing things to me. And I was like, okay.

Sage:

Well, because he's got to make up for what he doesn't have. 

Emily:

I mean, why am I going to stop this man? This is amazing. I was like, okay.

Sage (22:53):

Okay. So what did he do to you?

Emily (22:54):

This is great.

Sage:

Tell me everything that happened. 

Emily:

Well, you can imagine what he did. A guy with no dick, what is he going to do? 

Sage:

He's going to eat your pussy. 

Emily:

Yes.  Do everything.

Sage (23:03):

Didn’t he bite your nipple?

Emily (23:03):

Yeah. Too hard. I had to smack him on the head. It was like a little too much. I was like, what the fuck, dude? But then the next thing I know, I rolled over. I kind of made him stop and rolled over and then threw up everywhere.

Sage (23:16):

Oh, nice.

Emily (23:16):

Chunks. Chunky all over.

Sage (23:19):

Well, that's going to kill the moment.

Emily (23:20):

Yeah. Really bad. But he was really sweet. He held my hair. 

Sage:

Oh, that's nice. 

Emily:

And he was rubbing my back and he was trying to help me out. It was the fucking rum cake. I swear to God. It just put me over the edge with the gins, with the rum, and then the no penis, and then my vagina, and it was just too much. So I just had to throw up everywhere. And then the next thing I remember, I woke up because I must have passed out after I threw up. 

Sage:

And then he's nowhere to be found. 

Emily:

He's nowhere to be found. I didn't know where my clothes were. I didn't know where my phone was.

Sage (23:52):

You wake up naked.

Emily:

Yes.  In a storage closet.

Sage:

You don't know where your clothes are. 

Emily:

No. 

Sage:

Your cell phone's missing. 

Emily:

Yes. 

Sage:

Thank God this place is like a shit show anyway, so you could walk around.

Emily:

Well, it’s my friend.

Sage:

You could walk around naked if you had to.

Emily (24:00):

I was kind of like, well, I know the guy that owns this bar. So thank God. 

Sage:

Safe zone. 

Emily:

Safe zone. Yes, he is a friend. But I did find everything miraculously, and I somehow got into an Uber and drove home. The poor Uber driver. He did have to pull over multiple times to let me throw up more. And he was really concerned. I gave him a really big tip.  I’m so sorry.

Sage (24:20):

I'm glad I ditched you that night. I don't want to deal with this.

Emily (24:23):

Well, it's a miracle that I got home. 

Sage:

Totally. 

Emily:

But then the next morning… 

Sage:

Is when I found you finally. 

Emily:

You were like, oh my God, she's in her bed. And I was in pajamas. Contacts were taken out, makeup was taken off. I was like, nice job, Emily, the state that I was in. But then we had to do some research because I was not at all sure what I hooked up with last night.

Sage (24:44):

Yeah. We did research and we also called Big K.

Emily (24:47):

Yes. We had to call Big K into this one.

Sage (24:49):

And he knew right away.

Emily (24:49):

He knew immediately.

Sage (24:50):

He was like, it's a micro penis.

Emily (24:51):

It was a micro penis.

Sage (24:53):

And we were like, that’s something?

Emily (24:53):

Yes. And now that we've done the research, we know because at first I found small penis.  But it's like obese people where they have too much skin, and so it kind of hides the penis. But this guy was so fit, he had the best body ever. He was so jacked. And so I was like, okay, that's not it. So yeah, he's a micro penis.

Sage (25:15):

And what's the percentage that you will run into a micro penis?

Emily (25:20):

So we looked this up, and it’s 0.6% 

Sage (25:22):

Which means…

Emily:

Of the male population.

Sage:

That Emily needs to go buy a lottery ticket and she should not go swimming in the ocean.

Emily (25:28):

I hit the jackpot with this one. 0.6% chance, and I meet one and I hook up with one. And then as you know, the whole rest of the weekend we're thinking about this man. 

Sage (25:41):

Well, I'm trying to find him. I'm trying to track him down.

Emily (25:42):

I'm intrigued. 

Sage:

This is not going to be the end. 

Emily:

I am very interested in this man. 

Sage:

He is your no penis man.

Emily:

I actually kind of like him. You know why? 

Sage:

Why?

Emily:

Because he didn't give a fuck that he does not have a penis. He did not give a shit. He rocked it. He owned it. He took me into that closet. He banged me in his way.

Sage:

Right.

Emily:

It was awesome. 

Sage:

With confidence.

Emily:

With confidence. The dude was hot. He didn't give a shit. He was just, 

Sage:

He owned it. He owned his micro penis. 

Emily:

He owned his micro penis. And then as we were thinking about it, we realized that there are a lot of pros to being with a guy with no dick. Like lots. Lots.

Sage (26:17):

Okay, wait. My favorite of all of them though was that you were like, I think it'd be so fucking kinky and hot. 

Emily:

Very kinky.

Sage:

If he strapped on a dildo…

Emily:

Exactly.

Sage:

…and fucked me. 

Emily:

Yeah. 

Sage:

And I was like, ewww, I need a real veiny big dick. Like the real thing for feeling. Yeah.

Emily (26:34):

No, no, this guy. So first of all, it's all about me a hundred percent of the time.

Sage:

Which is lovely.

Emily:

I never have to give a blow job ever. 

Sage:

Woo!

Emily:

Isn't it amazing? He just goes down on me all the time. That's the best. I will never get pregnant.

Sage (26:50):

Very true.

Emily (26:51):

Yeah. No smelly vagina, like the bartender. 

Sage:

Ooh. So vagina goop, we don’t need.

Emily:

Don't need the vagina goop. So that's a good one.

Sage (26:58):

No anal.

Emily (26:59):

No anal. There's no way he could even get up there. 

Sage:

And then I don't think no, blow jobs. 

Emily:

No blow jobs. No blow jobs. And it's very clean. 

Sage:

That's true. 

Emily:

Because I don't know. Oh, you did look it up that he can ejaculate.

Sage (27:12):

Yeah, but it's probably…

Emily (27:13):

But the cum would be like you could just lick it off and it's done.

Sage (27:15):

Yeah. It's like a teaspoon, maybe.

Emily (27:16):

It's like a little ice cream. It's like a popsicle. Well, it's not even long enough to be a popsicle. 

Sage:

It's like licking soft serve ice cream. 

Emily:

Except it was hard. He had an erection because it was a hard knuckle.

Sage (27:29):

You could try rubbing it on your clit and see if that is a deal.

Emily (27:32):

I'm interested in that.

Sage (27:33):

Yeah.

Emily (27:34):

Yeah, I'm very interested in this guy. So it took Sage two days to convince me to ask for his phone number. Because I was very interested in him as a person too, obviously. 

Sage:

No, this is like a science project. We gotta figure this shit out. 

Emily:

No, I'm interested in him as a person. He was a nice guy. He took care of you. He held my hair when I was vomiting. He didn't make me feel bad that I was a shit show.

Sage (27:57):

Yeah. We later found videos and pictures between our two phones, and at one point he's holding me up outside, I think waiting with me for my Uber.

Emily (28:07):

And one of our other friends was like, oh, he was so concerned about you and making sure that you got home safe. And so he's a sweetheart. I think it's the lack of the dick. He's actually not a dick.  He doesn’t have one.

Sage (28:17):

Right. So he's just a sweetie.

Emily (28:19):

Yeah.

Sage (28:20):

I love it.

Emily (28:21):

Yeah. Yeah.

Sage (28:22):

Good for you and your 0.6% chance of love with a nub dick.

Emily (28:25):

Well, I don't know if anything's going to happen. So I did end up texting my friend who owned the bar, and I said, that guy, do you have his phone number? And he does not. So… And we asked a couple of other friends. No one knows him. No one has his phone number. So…

Sage:

No, we're going to get his number for sure. 

Emily:

I don't know.

Sage (28:42):

This is not the end of it. It can't be. It’s too good. 

Emily (28:44):

Well, ladies who are listening, actually guys, anybody who lives in Mid-City of Los Angeles, if you know anyone that's very attractive that happens to have a micro penis, just give a call. Call up this podcast.

Sage (28:56):

Help us out.

Emily (28:57):

Because I would like to go on a date with this man.

Sage (28:58):

And strap on a fucking dildo.

Emily (29:00):

I just want him to do more to me. He was very good.

Sage (29:03):

Nice. 

Emily:

Very good. But did I break the dick drought? 

Sage:

No, because he did not insert a penis inside of you.

Emily (29:18):

But he doesn't have one. I think I broke the dick drought because I still had sex. Just a different type.

Sage (29:22):

No, there's no penetration.

Emily (29:24):

Yeah, but that's a very black and white way to think about a dick drought.  He doesn’t have one.

Sage (29:26):

Well, with oral sex, that is not in cahoots with dick drought.

Emily:

So I'm still in a dick drought?

Sage (29:35):

You are totally in a dick drought. Yeah, you need to redeem yourself. 

Emily:

But I'm not in a drought. A more generalized holistic drought. Because I just had very hot sex in a storage closet at a birthday party.

Sage (29:47):

Very hot oral sex.

Emily (29:48):

Yeah, whatever.

Sage (29:49):

Okay, we got to go -  ‘till next time. Maybe we'll have Big K on and he'll shed light on this again. 

Emily:

Maybe. 

Sage:

For some man advice. 

Emily

Maybe.

Sage:

Other than that, thanks for tuning in and we will be back next week.

Emily (30:03):

Hopefully I'll get in touch with my little Mr. Micro.

Sage (30:05):

We'll find him. 

Emily:

Yeah. 

Sage:

Oh yeah. All right. Have a good one. Thanks for listening!

Emily (30:09):

Bye.