Redefining Family

Sage and Emily’s Golden Girls era is temporarily over as Sage moves back to her Santa Monica home - but they will always be family forever. Following up to the girls' last episode about being staunchly single in the holiday season, this discussion dives into how to get into the holiday spirit while navigating divorce, breakups, and family drama. Who’s YOUR tribe, neighbor or “go to” person that you can count on to help chip in with everyday hurdles?  How do you define family?

Transcript

Sage (00:00):

Hey, Watch Me Do It, fans. How's it going? This is Sage with my tribal comrade, Emily, with our weekly drop.  Since we're now in the thick of the holidays, the countdown is beginning toward the end of the year, and some of us may or may not have family or friends to celebrate with. This may be a particular hard time for some people who may be redefining their family during the holiday season. So let's talk about redefining family, whether that's through divorce, and who's your day-to-day tribe while getting through the holidays and going through family shit.

Emily (00:42):

Yeah. Yeah. Family shit, friend shit. It can be a particularly lonely time of year. It's also, it can be very kind of romantic in a weird way. I know!

Sage (00:53):

It depends who you're celebrating with.

Emily (00:54):

It depends on who you're celebrating with and how you define that. And I think that's why it's really important to kind of open your mind and think about the holidays and what family really means in a much broader lens than what we typically do.  Because I know, soooo gang, if you remember, and you go way back to kind of our first episode, you learned that Sage and I are new-ish friends, ish now. Very ish.

Sage (01:24):

It's been about a year.

Emily (01:24):

We go way back now. Like old friends.

Sage (01:25):

365 days baby.

Emily (01:27):

Especially for LA. But yeah, she had a mold issue with her apartment in Santa Monica, and I had a studio right next to mine that was open. And so she's been living for the past three months, four months in my little compound. So we've had these back-to-back studios, right next to each other with this little shared open space. And our dogs have absolutely loved it. It actually occurred to me this morning that when you leave, my dog is going to be so heartbroken.

Sage (01:53):

Well, my girls are going to be heartbroken as well.

Emily (01:55):

He's going to be more heartbroken than we are because we know that you're just 15 minutes down the road. But for dogs, just like kids, it's like that's so far away.

Sage (02:04):

Right?

Emily (02:04):

He'll be like, you abandoned us. But, anyway her mold is now fixed, allegedly if we believe her slumlord. So she's moving out of the little Venice compound and back into her house in Santa Monica, which is great for her kids.

Sage (02:22):

Yes, my kids are thrilled to just…

Emily (02:25):

Go home.

Sage (02:26):

Have normalcy, and my obligations as mom are obviously centered around what my kids' needs are.

Emily (02:33):

And you're going to decorate your apartment and it's going to be nice to be home, literally home for the holidays, but it still feels like you'll be really far away.

Sage (02:44):

Agreed

Emily (02:44):

And our Golden Girls era is over.  For now, for now.

Sage (02:47):

I know for now. But this was just a little token of this small experience that we know works between the two of us.

Emily (02:56):

Yeah.

Sage (02:57):

And that later we probably will end up either living together in the same house or we'll find a house and Sage will be forced to the guest house because I'm too much to handle.

Emily (03:07):

You want the guest house. 

Sage:

I kinda do. 

Emily:

You told me. You're like, okay, one day Emily, you're going to make it really big and I'm going to have your little ADU in the back.

Sage (03:14):

Yes.  I like my privacy that way.

Emily (03:16):

She likes the little spaces.

Sage (03:18):

And it's also to respect your privacy as well.

Emily (03:20):

Well, yeah. I mean, I think that was nice about the compound and I don't think the Golden Girls house was like that.  To be honest, I've never seen it.

Sage (03:28):

I haven't either.

Emily (03:28):

Really? I didn't know that. So I have girlfriends. I always thought we were too young for this.

Sage:

Agreed.

Emily:

That it was kind of like before our time. But I have girlfriends who are our age who live and die by it. They know it. They love it, they breathe it. And I think now it's all over social media, all the little memes and things like that. Mainly because the women were our age.

Sage (03:50):

Ridiculous. They made them look much older than 40. 

Emily (03:53):

And they look like little grannies. 

Sage:

Yes. 

Emily:

It's like in the eighties, they look like little grannies and there's little clips of, I think her name's Blanche. She's like, oh, I'm only 41. And she was like the Samantha Jones, basically.

Sage (04:07):

There you go.

Emily (04:07):

Of the Golden Girls era. She's like you. She was like the Sage for sure. And I'm probably the Betty White.

Sage:

Probably. Let's watch it together. 

Emily:

We absolutely have to actually from the beginning, it's probably very binge-worthy. But, but the concept I think is even hotter now of this idea that you don't have to live alone. And it's honestly, it's helpful. I think the things I might miss the most is when you would take my garbage out for me. And it was just little things like that that I was like, oh, that just made my day so much easier to have another person to help run the household, which actually didn't even happen when I was married. So…

Sage (04:49):

Of course not. I'm not surprised by that.

Emily (04:50):

No, no. I would say I'm way less lonely now than I was in my marriage.

Sage (04:55):

Agreed. I feel the same.

Emily (04:56): 

In my marriage, in this big house, in the traditional family sense. And I always felt very alone and very, like, I had to do everything on my own.  And our little compound, it really does feel like teamwork.

Sage (05:09):

It's our tribe.

Emily (05:09):

Yeah, it's our tribe.

Sage (05:11):

It's our tent.

Emily (05:12):

It is our tent. It is our tent. And we are going to be very sad throughout this transition. But you decorated. Sage decorated, she put little Christmas trees up.

Sage (05:25):

To try to cheer everything up.

Emily (05:26):

And she decorated my house as well as hers, which was so nice. But I think it's not just living in the same kind of house. It's two separate units, but in the same house. But I think it's just in general, having neighbors and having great neighbors who you know.  Because I think in big cities, especially New York, Boston, we have this reputation that you don't know your neighbors and you don't talk to your neighbors. And I think that's like a little naive.

Sage (05:58):

Well, my neighbors at my real house in Santa Monica.

Emily (06:02):

Oh yeah. You don't talk to them at all.

Sage (06:03):

They hate me. 

Emily:

Yeah, they're rude. 

Sage:

They're so rude. So my neighbor went out of her way today to give me the dirtiest look along with my daughter who's with me, and…

Emily (06:15):

Why?

Sage (06:17):

I think that they're so happy I haven't been there in months and they know I'm coming back. So everyone's like, brace yourself.

Emily (06:23):

But that's not the way to be in today's world. Let's be real. Everybody needs favors and you need the help, and you need the company, and you need to have, especially in big cities like this, I find it's very, very rare. Sure. There's single people who are loners and they love being alone. I like my alone time too, but not all of the time. Humans we're like wolves. We're supposed to have a pack.  And a pack. Not just like, oh, he's my one and only and he's all I need and he fills all my needs and he checks all my boxes. No, it's like there's that tribe you mentioned. It's everybody. And I think your neighbors, because you're all living together in the same place, it's very natural. And so I think it's very anti human. So it's almost like nurture and society or whatever's wrong with these people is going against what's nature, which is like, no, no, we take care of each other. We help each other because everybody needs a favor. And your neighbors are usually the first one you need about the home, and they're just alienating themselves.

Sage (07:26):

It hasn't been my experience at this particular place that I've lived at now for four years.

Emily (07:32):

Well, no. So I was here for nine months when I went back to Boston, remember for that quick trip?

Sage (07:36):

Yep.

Emily (07:37):

Hadn't been there for nine months. And I saw a whole bunch of my neighbors and they didn't even acknowledge my presence.  Let alone say hello, how are you? Haven't seen you in a while. None of that.

Sage (07:46):

Sure.

Emily (07:47):

None.

Sage (07:47):

No. It's very cold where I live. Cold in the emotional capacity of like, oh, I'm here for you. I can grab your mail. Or that package that arrived. I am dreading to go back. I would much rather stay in Venice with my Emily and I just unfortunately am not there timing wise in my life quite yet.

Emily (08:09):

So gang, who's listening to this, please subscribe and share and then start sending us monetary gifts so that Sage could afford to live in both. That's kind of the dream. 

Sage:

So I can live in both places?

Emily:

She'll have her little pad in Venice for when her kids aren't there and it's mom time and we can bond. And then she'll go home and have her mom time in Santa Monica.

Sage (08:26):

That would be ideal.

Emily (08:27):

So we just need to get her income up. So thank you everybody in advance.

Sage (08:31):

I mean, but who has two places in Los Angeles unless you have millions of dollars?

Emily (08:36):

Well, and also why would you have a place that's a mile down the road. If we were going to get you a vacation house, we, we'd do something big.

Sage (08:43):

We just need to pull it together and find us a place of our own.

Emily (08:47):

Or get that sugar daddy going. We got to figure out the sugar daddy talk.

Sage (08:50):

Oh yeah.  Grandpa G.

Emily (08:51):

That's what we need. Yeah. 

Sage:

He needs to get us a house. 

Emily:

Yes, exactly. I think that’s a perfect gift for the holidays.

Sage (08:56):

All right, I'll mention it to him.

Emily (08:57):

There we go.

Sage (08:57):

Okay.

Emily (08:58):

Get Sage….

Sage (08:59):

Get him to buy some real estate and we'll pay the mortgage.

Emily (09:02):

Get Grandpa G to invest in our Golden Girls house.

Sage (09:05):

Oh, and he can join Golden Girls house because he's a golden man.

Emily (09:11):

Exactly!

Sage:

Yes. 

Emily:

He can come over to visit you because I'm not doing a three-way. 

Sage:

Ok.  Alright. 

Emily:

But you know, hey.

Sage:

We'll just,

Emily:

But he can come to the compound. He can visit.

Sage (09:21):

Yeah, we'll tease him with it.

Emily (09:22):

Yeah.  And then we'll serve him tea. 

Sage (09:23):

We'll overpromise and under deliver.

Emily (09:26):

Yeah. Okay. That sounds like that's going to go real well.

Sage (09:30):

Fool him with trickery, honey.

Emily (09:32):

We'll give it a try. We'll give it a try. But no, I think during Covid we saw glimmers of hope of humanity that people were like, oh, we're in this bubble and we're stuck. And oh my gosh, this is scary and holy shit, like apocalypse. We need to have our people and people's guards really came down, and I just think they've snapped right back up. I think people have not, that we forgot that that even existed and what that was like. Even though life has not gotten any easier.

Sage:

Right.

Emily:

And it's as easy as a hello. We've talked about this for pickup lines at a bar, but it's the same thing with your neighbor. I've noticed that. And it's one of the things that I really love about living here. I mean, again, I'm in Venice, which is shockingly different from Santa Monica.

Sage (10:17):

It is very different.

Emily (10:18):

You know, people smile at you when you walk by and it honestly works. You smile back and you're like, oh, nice day. Or they give you little chit chat or you ask what people's names are and you kind of get to know your neighbors.

Sage (10:31):

Well, when we go to the dog park, the Ozone dog park, everyone is so chill and sweet and…

Emily (10:38):

Friendly. Everybody talks to each other.

Sage (10:40):

Yes!  Approachable.

Emily (10:40):

Yes. Okay. So I was just talking to Mr. B plus about this today. So Mr. B plus is one of my clients that we all know who loves to mansplain me, but he's sort of warming, I’m sorta warming up to him, kind of. I don't know.

Sage (10:55):

Will you please tell our listeners about what you found today. There's two things that we need to add into this topic.

Emily (11:02):

We promised we were not going to talk about sex in this episode.

Sage (11:07):

Come on though. She finds a used…

Emily (11:09):

Okay. Okay. So this is one of my clients, because as you guys all remember, I am broke, but living large. I'm really, I'm two payments away from paying off my very expensive MBA degree. And I am instead a personal assistant helping people clean. And one of these people is, we call him Mr. B plus, and he does live in Santa Monica. And yesterday I was sending photos left and right from his house to Sage because first of all, I found a mason jar of red wine.  And I was like…

Sage (11:40):

Which would be from your date.

Emily (11:41):

What the hell? Men apparently do this. This is a thing that they have a mason jar with red wine.

Sage (11:46):

So random.

Emily (11:47):

But then after I found that I saw a used condom in the trash. 

Sage:

Yes. He left that out on purpose to be like, look at my trophy. 

Emily:

So the mason jar with a red wine actually works for Mr. B plus. And then I found a canister of Febreeze that had a special scent of romance and desire. 

Sage:

Oh my God. 

Emily:

And it was pink with little flower petals on it. I was like,

Sage (12:10):

So between…

Emily (12:10):

He tried hard.

Sage (12:11):

The Febreeze and the mason jar of red wine. He got laid. 

Emily (12:15):

He got laid.

Sage (12:16):

Oh my.

Emily (12:16):

Yeah. And his 16-year-old daughter was home and could probably see that as much as I could. I know. I was really grossed out.  As you know, I was sending you the vomit emoji all day. 

Sage:

Yeah.

Emily:

But then he and I got in a really nice conversation because he does not like Santa Monica either. And I was telling him all about Venice.

Sage (12:29):

While he was conversating with you, he was undressing you with his eyes.  Yeah.

Emily (12:33):

Not going to go there. But he was talking about kind of the same thing, just of how, so he's new to LA and I was telling him, well, in Venice, and I told him about the dog park, the little Ozone Park. And he was just like, really? People all go to that after work at the same time and talk to each other? It was shocking to him. And I was like, yes, we do.  And it's lovely.

Sage (12:58):

It's lovely. 

Emily (12:59):

It's really nice. So I just think people, even if you're an introvert, try to open up a little bit and just say hi. You never know. You never know who you're going to meet. And you never know when you're going to need that person when they're the people that are right next door and can really help you.

Sage (13:14):

I mean at this point, it's like kindness goes a long way.

Emily (13:16):

It does.

Sage (13:17):

Everybody…

Emily (13:18):

Especially now.

Sage:

Get on board. 

Emily:

I think that's one of the better things about the holidays is like it just reminds you to be kind and to be thoughtful and to be grateful. And it's this season of giving quote unquote. But yeah, I mean on that note, as we talked about, the holidays can be really difficult, especially for people that are going through a divorce or a breakup. They're suddenly alone. And I think divorce in general, I mean, you said it before, it's just so shocking. And you are in a state of shock. And it's really because, at least for me, I felt like I had spent years building something and building a dream and building a future and building a house and building a community and building this network of support. And my ex-husband and I, we bought this enormous 3,600 square foot Victorian house in Boston, it had six bedrooms. It had this beautiful staircase. I loved this house. I loved this house more than I loved the man. Beautiful staircase. All the old wood. It should have been in a movie. We actually got a flyer at one point from a movie production company seeing if they could shoot on location with us, but then we didn't get chosen. But anyway, I had always envisioned that my future daughter was going to come down those stairs in her prom dress.

Sage (14:42):

Right.

Emily (14:43):

And decorating that house at Christmas was so special. And it was so just lovely, a lovely time. And then when I went through my divorce, it was just kind of like, I realized that there was no foundation to that dream. It was literally a house of cards and a little puff of wind came along and it all blew to the ground and it was broken and the dream was broken and the Christmas was broken and everything was not what I thought it was going to be.

Sage (15:15):

Yeah. My ex, perfect timing, left me and the kids two days after Thanksgiving.

Emily (15:23):

Oh, wow. 

Sage:

Yeah.

Emily;

I left my husband the week before Thanksgiving. Or no, it was maybe two days before Thanksgiving. It was that same time. 

Sage:

Really? 

Emily:

Interesting.

Sage (15:31):

That is interesting. I didn't know that.

Emily (15:32):

I wonder if that's a spike. We should do some research on this to see if people…

Sage (15:36):

That's interesting because we just did our episode about handcuffing and wanting to be with somebody. 

Emily (15:41):

Right.  The single people are cuffing up, and then the married people are like, hell no.

Sage:

Gotta go! Holidays are coming up. I'm not doing this again.

Emily (15:48):

Weird. Okay.

Sage:

So, and then he…

Emily (15:52):

At Thanksgiving dinner, was it just normal or could you tell?

Sage (15:55):

No, he didn't come to it.

Emily (15:56):

Oh, so you had a…

Sage (15:58):

Because it was at my family's in Calabasas and we were already on the outs.

Emily (16:03):

So that was a flag for you.  You knew that that wasn't normal, that he didn't come.

Sage (16:08):

Right. That was not normal. But I didn't think that two days later he'd be like, I want to live my authentic life. I want to have a divorce. And I'm like, isn't someone's authentic life being with your family.  But rather his authentic life meant he wanted to be a swinger. So that's why he had to hightail it out of there because he couldn't fucking wait any longer.

Emily (16:30):

What a loser.

Sage (16:31):

I know. And then where all the divorced men move to is Marina Del Rey. So there he goes.  Because Marina Del Rey divorcees are like, they can't afford anything more, but that area.

Emily (16:43):

Okay. I did recommend to Mr B plus today that he check out Marina Del Rey. 

Sage:

That's hilarious. He'll fit right in.

Emily:

He will.

Sage (16:49):

But what's so funny with all these fucking idiots, it's a melting pot of divorced men. 

Emily:

Interesting.

Sage:

Women don't move to Marina Del Rey.

Emily (16:57):

I know a few. I know some. We call them racer chasers. They're the girls that go after the men that own the sailboats. 

Sage:

Oh yeah.

Emily:

Because they think that they have a lot of money. But I'm like, oh no, sweetie, if a man owns a sailboat, he's broke as shit.

Sage (17:11):

Hell yeah.

Emily (17:11):

Because those things are so expensive.

Sage (17:13):

Well, and you can tell by the sails of that sailboat.

Emily (17:15):

Girls, you got to go for the mega yachts. Exactly.  The sails - they have no idea how much that costs. You gotta look for the Rolodex watch or the Rolex watch. 

Sage:

Yes.

Emily:

The Rolex watch and the mega yacht motorboat. Not the sailboat.

Sage (17:28):

No.

Emily (17:29):

But there's a lot of girls that live in Marina Del Rey just for that.

Sage (17:31):

Okay.

Emily (17:32):

So maybe those divorcees are onto something. I don't know.

Sage (17:36):

I guess they're chasing a different dream.

Emily (17:39):

They're chasing a different thing. And I think that's interesting about what your ex said, an authentic life, because the whole definition of the word is that it's true to you. It's connected with you. It's not following some prescription or some other person's dream or definition. It's literally what feels real to you.  You know?

Sage (18:00):

Well, what felt real to him was sex with random people so he could be a swinger and… 

Emily:

Well, good luck buddy. 

Sage:

I know, right? He's so gross. So I recall it being a very sad time for me through that holiday of 2018, coming to 2019. And I even had to have him over for Christmas morning.

Emily:

Yeah, the kids.

Sage:

Because my kids wanted that. But I recall him being there for about two hours and then I was really agitated and I was like, you know what? You need to leave now. It's a good time for you to go. So I kept it limited somewhat. Plus I'm trying to navigate what do these holidays look like now that we're not a family.

Emily (18:44):

Yeah, and you're not. And honestly, I have a really good friend who she went through probably, I think one of the worst divorces I've ever heard. The guy had a whole other family that she found out about by finding the woman on Facebook.

Sage (19:01):

That's really fucking hard.

Emily (19:02):

So her kids, she has two kids, have a sister, and I think two sisters with this mistress. And I kind of witnessed some of it. That I'd be at her house, we'd be having wine, whatever, catching up. And he'd come home and he was like blasted drunk. And he was like all these stories about how he was in this neighborhood for a client meeting, and it's like a Tuesday at 11:00 PM and he's drunk. And I'm like, wait, why were, and it was a random neighborhood that you were like, there's no businesses there. What? It was so weird. So you could tell he was flailing, something was off, something was really not right. You can just feel it in the air sometimes.

Sage (19:43):

Yes, yes.

Emily (19:45):

That there's tension in lies and unhappiness. You can sniff it out.

Sage (19:49):

Why would a guy, any guy want two fucking women to deal with?

Emily (19:54):

Well, he's in hell then for the next five years, he now has two women who are going after him for money and alimony, and he has multiple kids that he has to, and he's broke his shit. And so he paid for it. He was, I don't know, thinking with his dick. 

Sage:

Of course.

Emily:

And then it came back to bite him because he's an idiot.

Sage (20:12):

That's actually a great story. Thank you for sharing.

Emily (20:15):

Well, not for my friend though.

Sage (20:17):

No, of course not.

Emily (20:18):

She was so traumatized. And her issue was that she kept saying, we're this broken family, we're this broken family and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, you know I don't like that word.  It’s not necessarily, you're just different. It's just a different type of family. It's not because before, I don't know if you were all perfect and fixed before he started doing this. That was all obviously a charade. That was not true.  You know?  And now that image might be broken. Yes. But I think it's maybe a little bit more of a positive thing once you get through the trauma. But she just could not accept not having a traditional family unit. Husband, wife, boy, girl sitting at the table. And she struggled with this so much and she started dating this guy and she just could not handle it because he, in her words, wanted to be casual, which in our modern day dating words, he wasn't casual at all.

(21:18):

He was dating her and into her and exclusive with her. But it's not like they were just fucking every once in a while.  But he was not assuming the role of dad and sitting at the table as the father figure and inserting into that little space that was left like a little cutout paper doll or something. 

Sage:

Right.

Emily:

And he was being him and he was being a boyfriend, and he had his own family and his own stuff. And we're not young anymore. Everybody has their own things to deal with. And she could not do this. So I told her, I was like, you know what? I think the number one thing, or maybe not number one, but soon when you're going through any kind of breakup or divorce where that person was so integral to your family space, is that you have to redefine your family. You have to redefine, you have to say what does family mean? And really thinking about in that essence, that pack we were talking about, that tribe. Iit's not going to be, for some of us anyway, that traditional man, woman, kids.

Sage (22:15):

Well, yeah, through my experience, redefining family took me a while to get there.

Emily (22:22):

It's hard.  Really hard.

Sage (22:22):

What it meant.  What it looks like. Who is that tribe of mine that's in this circle to support me?

Emily (22:30):

And it looks different for everybody. Honestly. There's so many, there’s millions and billions of people in this world. And it looks different for everybody.

Sage (22:36):

Exactly. But because you're so hurt and shocked, you can't right away go to like, okay, I'm going to redefine my family in this way or that way. You don't even know what it looks like yet. And now six years later, I have a strong hold on redefining my family and what it means to me.

Emily (22:53):

Yeah. It takes time.

Sage (22:54):

Which is different for everybody, right?

Emily:

Right.

Sage:

You are part of my redefining family. And to get through, I was able to lean on my younger brother a lot.

Emily:

Yeah.

Sage:

Which was really important to me because we've lost our mom many moons ago when he was two years old and I was 18. So we're kind of like this team together. And he has lived with me in and out on different occasions depending on what's happening in his life. So he really helped me as a tribal member too. And along the way, other girlfriends or other friends that I've met through my kids. And so it's just, you kind of pick and choose who fits in that mold. And it takes time.

Emily (23:39):

It takes time. But I think it does have to be organic to an extent. It's something that you can't force. I think that's where my friend tripped up a little bit. She was trying to force this guy, which otherwise was a great relationship, and I was jealous. I was like, damn, why am I always the single one? She's in a relationship already. But for her, it still wasn't so perfect because she was just so rigid in her definitions and she wasn't able to, maybe it was still too soon or too fresh or something. And eventually she'll get there, but she wasn't able to open herself up and accepting that it might look different. 

Sage:

To be open to it.

Emily:

That it might not be what she always thought family was and that her family's not broken. It just looks a little different than what she had always thought, you know?

Sage (24:24):

Well, I mean, what was the percentage that we read of how many people are divorced now?

Emily (24:29):

Oh.

Sage (24:29):

This was a while back in one of our episodes.

Emily (24:31):

We did talk about this.

Sage (24:32):

It was high forties.

Emily (24:34):

It's not quite 50% because the younger generations, they're getting, the Gen Z generation is getting married really young now again. But I also think they're still too young. They're not divorced yet. You got divorced after, what, 14 years?  Or no, nine. Nine. But yeah, you have to wait a beat for these people to do their thing before they end up getting divorced. But yeah, it was like 49% I think.

Sage (24:59):

Yeah. Well, I mean to that, I'm just saying

Emily (25:02):

It’s half.  Half.

Sage (25:02):

We're all in this melting pot of redefining our families together.

Emily (25:06):

Well, and one of my good friends, as you know, he is 27 maybe and single. And he is redefining family just because of his situation with his siblings and his parents. He does not have a healthy, you know…

Sage (25:24):

Good point,

Emily (25:25):

Idyllic childhood. I love my family. They're all in New York. He's out here in California by himself, quote unquote. And I think of him as my LA family, and I'm wondering if he thinks of me too. He had to go through that where he's just kind of like, that's my family. He literally said this to me the other day. I love them, but I don't like them. And they're not estranged because he works on it. I think they could be easily estranged. But he was telling me the same thing that he has to think about family in a very different way because he doesn't feel that warm, fuzzy, cozy with the family that he was born into.

Sage (26:05):

Right. And I'm sure a lot of people are in that same situation.

Emily (26:08):

Yeah. Oh, a hundred percent.

Sage (26:09):

I see a lot of family drama and breakups. I mean, I even have some of that going on in my own family with my other two brothers. So unfortunately, 

Emily (26:18):

It happens. 

Sage:

It does. 

Emily:

It happens. And I think that's one of the best things you can do to survive that situation is because regardless if it's a divorce or if it's just my friend that his family, it's not what you thought it was going to be when you were younger and you were a child growing up, adulthood looks different. It's not what you had planned. It's not your dream that kind of came crashing down. And so you really have to go through acceptance, I think first. 

Sage:

Yup.

Emily:

And then just open yourself up and really looking at it in a different lens of actually this is not so bad. This might actually be better.

Sage (26:56):

Right, right.

Emily (26:57):

Like what I was telling you before is that I think I'm in a better situation than I was when I had a traditional family.

Sage (27:03):

Well, less shit to deal with that you don't want to.

Emily (27:05):

Well, I was just so unhappy.

Sage (27:07):

And create some boundaries.

Emily (27:08):

I was so miserable. You asked me this the other day. You said, when was the last time you were miserable? And I couldn't remember. And it was because your married friend was crying her eyes out to you because she's so freaking miserable.

Sage (27:19):

Yes, yes.

Emily (27:20):

In her situation. 

Sage:

Right.

Emily:

And her kind of how she's defining family is taking a toll on her mental health. And for me, that was really eye opening that I was like, I can't remember the last time I was miserable. Sure I've been sad, I've been lonely, whatever.

Sage (27:34):

But miserable?

Emily:

But miserable.

Sage (27:35):

Right? 

Emily:

Not for awhile.

Sage (27:36):

And I was just, my advice to her was, life is very short. It really is.

Emily (27:41):

It is.

Sage (27:42):

And after I've seen all my family members pass away throughout the years,

Emily (27:46):

Yeah.  You never know.

Sage (27:47):

I am not wasting any of my time where I’m miserable.

Emily (27:51):

Right.

Sage (27:52):

No.

Emily (27:52):

No.

Sage (27:53):

And I said, pull the cord.

Emily (27:56):

Yeah. And it's hard. We know it's hard.

Sage (27:59):

It's very hard. But it gets better. It really does. Time does heal. You have to be patient with it. And now at this point I'm like, my ex did me a favor. 

Emily:

Yes he did. 

Sage:

He really did. Like, thank you.

Emily (28:13):

You are so out of his league. It's ridiculous. When you showed me a picture of your ex and then the fact that he's a swinger? Yeah, right. He's not getting any action. That guy.

Sage (28:23):

Wait, actually, I was talking to Big K the other day about swingers, right? And I was like, listen, swingers can't be as hot as Sage because I don't need to swing. I can just get like dick if I want.

Emily (28:36):

I don't think it's about that.

Sage (28:37):

No, my point is this, swingers must be desperate groups of people that are really fucking ugly, not good looking in any way. They can't get laid otherwise. So they have to go to their swingers club.

Emily (28:49):

I don't know.

Sage (28:50):

No!

Emily:

We’ll do a future episode on this.

Sage:

You think they're like hot bitches coming up. I don’t. Hot dudes and bitches that want to be swingers. They're desperate.

Emily (28:56):

I know people who have gone to swinging parties in both Rhode Island and in Miami. And they are not ugly, and they're not desperate, and they're not unhappy. So I think it’s an experience.

Sage (29:05):

Okay, then they're just having threesomes.

Emily (29:07):

Well, Sage did get invited to a swinger party over the summer and declined. So we recently did talk about this that we should dig up that invitation and see if we're still invited. Because I'm curious. I think you're wrong. I think you're wrong. I think you just have that perception because of your ex.

Sage (29:23):

So you think it's hot people.

Emily (29:25):

Yeah, I know it's hot people. Because I know hot people that have done this.

Sage (29:27):

Okay, then you're right. It's my perception because I'm thinking… 

Emily:

Because of your ex.

Sage:

Of my fat, ugly, narcissist, crybaby bitch ex husband. Oh God.

Emily (29:37):

So folks, someday you might be like Sage if you're struggling right in the holiday season trying to get over your ex. Just think of Sage, and her fat, nasty narcissist.

Sage (29:50):

Crybaby narcissist, fucking piece of shit.

Emily (29:54):

Yeah.

Sage (29:55):

Every name in the book.

Emily (29:56):

Yeah.

Sage (29:57):

I mean it's six years later and it's still awful. You know.  But I'm happier, but I'm happier.

Emily (30:06):

That’s the end of the story is like you get through it. And if you are successful in kind of defining your authenticity and your happiness and your family. Because that word, when you take out the kind of layer of mom, dad, son, kid,

Sage (30:28):

The perfect, ideal, whatever idea of what it looks like.

Emily (30:30):

Golden Retriever and picket fence, it's actually, it's a very powerful word and it can be defined in many, many ways. And it's a kind thing I think to say to people is when you say you're my family, it means a lot.

Sage (30:43):

Agreed. Yeah. And you're my family.

Emily (30:45):

Thank you dear.

Sage (30:46):

Happy holidays.

Emily (30:47):

Happy holidays.

Sage (30:49):

So listeners, how are you redefining your family? Or is there anyone out there going through a rough breakup or divorce during this holiday season? Emily and I want to hear your stories, so please reach out to us on Instagram or our website where you'll find the links to connect with us.

Emily (31:10):

Watchmedoitpodcast.com or @watchmedoitpodcast.

Sage (31:15):

Nice. Also, if you haven't had a chance yet, check out our last episode, Keep Your Cuffs Off Me, which is our other recording about getting through the holidays while being single.

Emily (31:28):

I know you can't win. Either you're not supposed to be single or you're not supposed to be going through divorce or whatever. So I'm sure there's lots of people out there that are having the best holiday ever and good for you. But for those of you that are feeling lonely, keep your chin up. Just embrace it for what it is. We're here for you and just try to enjoy and have a happy, happy holiday and we will see you next week.

Sage (31:54):

Sounds great. Have a good one.

Emily (31:56):

Bye.

Sage (31:56):

Bye.