It's Orgasmic!

After binge-watching Bravo TV series Below Deck, Emily takes advantage of the Cyber Monday deals and indulges herself in 3 purchases from The Womanizer.  Sage immediately calls Big K into the conversation to help decipher vaginal rejuvenation, the different ways men and women orgasm, and what Emily’s newest date wants by going on all fours. 

Transcript

Emily (00:00):

What is up Los Angeles and all of the Watch Me Do It friends all over the world. How is everyone doing? We are back with our weekly drop, my best friend Sage and I, to tell you all about this week's shenanigans.

Sage (00:13):

Yes, let's go girl.

Emily (00:14):

Well, we're now really in the thick of the holidays and I know that I am personally scrambling to find the right gift for everybody, which is always impossible. And every year I am that girl that runs around at 9:00 PM on Christmas Eve freaking out.

Sage (00:28):

Me too, honey.

Emily (00:29):

Because I always want to come up with something super clever and hard to find, but I never have enough time to figure out what that actually is and I'm not that clever.

Sage (00:36):

But plus those last minute stocking stuffers, it's just like you forget about it. You've got all the gifts wrapped and ready to go and then you're like, oh yeah, we need some cute little chotchkies.

Emily (00:47):

Something. Or I go way overboard with my nieces and they have 12 presents and then their dad has nothing. But whatever. That's what brothers are for, right?

Sage (00:54):

Exactly.

Emily (00:55):

He gets a little coal in his stalking.

Sage (00:56):

Yes.

Emily (00:57):

But how are you all doing so far this holiday season? We know it can be a really fun time for some folks or not so fun. So we'd love to hear from you. Are you single and loving it? Are you recently shacked up and ready to get cuffed? Like every single one of my single friends this season following that cue of the cuffing season. Or are you barely hanging in there, or you're gliding down candy cane lane with glee. We'd love to hear how your season's going.

Sage (01:26):

Yes, so, so far for myself, holiday season's going. It's weird because I'm still in between the Venice place, the Santa Monica place. Both are decorated beautifully. So I feel at home.

Emily (01:39):

Says the woman who has no time to go shopping has two houses that are beautifully decorated.

Sage (01:43):

And so I just feel cozy in either one of 'em.

Emily:

Which is nice.

Sage:

And I just need to peel off that bandaid and be done with Venice, unfortunately.

Emily (01:51):

Yeah. Well you're going to get kicked out pretty soon, so.

Sage (01:53):

Well, so we just found out there is a termite issue. So Sage moves from mold of Santa Monica to Venice of termites.

Emily (02:02):

I'm just going to be going back to Santa Monica with you.  The party continues.

Sage (02:04):

Yes, exactly. Emily's going to have to move in with me now while they have to tent our place to get rid those termites.

Emily (02:10):

The Golden Girls continue. Don't worry gang.

Sage (02:14):

I love that. I haven't purchased any holiday gifts yet except for my son got an early dirt bike.

Emily (02:22):

Ohhh.

Sage (02:23):

That he was just begging me for. I said, okay, you'll get it a month early and it's a gas instead of electric bike. So it's a little different than what he already has, but he's thrilled. My daughter has given me her Christmas list full of tops that are like $120 and dresses that are like $300 and I'm like,

Emily:

That's nothing.

Sage:

Oh sure, no problem honey. So I need to get on the course here of the holidays and start ordering away online. My daughter did say, mom this year, I don't want a bunch of presents wrapped with the copy that you have printed off that the order is coming in a couple weeks. She's like, I physically want the gift the morning of Christmas. Please can we do it differently this year? So that's my goal is to order on time and have it all here. 

Emily (03:13):

Ok. Express shipping. Are you like my mom though, where you leave the price tags on everything?

Sage (03:17):

No.

Emily (03:18):

That's my mom. That's my mom's thing and all the gifts have the price tag left on it and she's like, no, I don't do that. And I'm like, yeah, mom. Oh, there it is. There it is. I'm running around scraping them off as people are opening their gifts.

Sage (03:30):

Your mom has something to prove with that because she can afford the hundreds. Yeah, this sweater, it's cashmere and it was 400 bucks. Do you like it?

Emily (03:39):

Well, I know I'm really enjoying the season this year because it's my first Christmas in Los Angeles. 

Sage:

Yay. 

Emily:

And even though I'm still very single, I don't really give a fuck. I'm having a great time with my new friends here and I'm doing all these festive things. Like I saw a fireworks show on Manhattan Beach and I'm going to a holiday boat parade in the marina this weekend and I had dinner at The Grove, which is just so charming.

Sage:

Very.

Emily:

I highly recommend that if you can bear the crowds. But I did manage to squeeze in some alone time, kinda late night the other night. It was right after Thanksgiving, my family had left, so I was breathing and like, oh, they're gone. Entertaining in LA for eight days straight really ran me ragged. And so I have a guilty pleasure, which is called Below Deck and for those of you that do not know Below Deck, this is a reality TV show and I don't usually watch reality tv, but I've been hooked on Below Deck now for years. Many, many years. It was actually recommended to me from a former colleague, one of my direct reports was like, you will love the show. And I totally do. It's one of the few things I have in common with your 16-year-old daughter. 

Sage:

Yes. She's obsessed. 

Emily:

She loves Below Deck and we talk about it.

Sage (04:56):

Right. She wants to get a job below deck if at all possible. 

Emily:

I know.

Sage:

It is one of her goals.

Emily (05:02):

She's a future yachty.  So I'll be watching for sure. But so anyway, this particular episode I was watching, the guest on the yacht is allegedly LA's number one vaginal rejuvenation doctor.

Sage (05:17):

Ooo.

Emily (05:18):

And so she brings on board as a gift for the captain, who is also a woman and her friend. So it was very rare in this industry to be a female captain. And so her friend, this doctor brings her a gift called The Womanizer.

Sage (05:32):

Fancy that. 

Emily:

Have you heard of The Womanizer? 

Sage:

I have not. Tell me more honey. 

Emily (05:37):

Oh, you would love The Womanizer. 

Sage:

Did you get me one? 

Emily:

Oh! 

Sage:

Holiday gift. 

Emily:

You just gave me a great idea. So she's demonstrating on TV on the captain how this Womanizer works and so I'm like, this is instant credibility for this device.

Sage (05:53):

Ok wait, demonstrating?  Like inserting it?

Emily (05:56):

No, no, no. She had her clothes on but kind of, like, right up against her.  And she made this little face and it was the cutest little thing. Now everyone's going to go running to watch this Below Deck episode. It's Below Deck Mediterranean for those of you who are interested. But anyway, so then the next day I'm like, oh my god, it's Cyber Monday and so maybe I can get this incredible device for practically nothing. And it was discounted and they threw in a freebie. So I got three toys for the price of one. 

Sage:

Whoa girl. Cyber Monday!

Emily:

Cyber Monday. It was the best way to spend your Cyber Monday, don't you think? On this website? There's no better purchase I think. And as my dick drought just drags on and on, I was like, well, I might as well have some fun and get a really good discount while I'm waiting for the next guy to come along.

Sage (06:48):

I mean, did you need all three? You could have just given me one of the three. I mean, ok, before you answer that.

Emily (06:51):

Yes.

Sage (06:52):

Do they specifically do something different?

Emily (06:56):

They do.

Sage (06:56):

Tell me.

Emily (06:57):

The three of them are very, very different.  Okay?

Sage (07:00):

Okay.  Walk me through it.

Emily (07:01):

So the one you saw on my floor. 

Sage:

I did. It was charging and I was like, how did that go last night? You're like, it was fucking great.

Emily (07:07):

You made a comment about how big it was too because it's quite large. That's more traditional I think. I don't know. I'm fairly new to this stuff. You're way more experienced, but…

Sage (07:15):

I am advanced at this.

Emily (07:16):

It's just a big old dildo.

Sage (07:18):

Perfect. Perfect.

Emily (07:19):

Right? But it's sleek and sexy and it's, because these aren't cheap. Especially if you're on a mega yacht in the Mediterranean and your LA's number one vage doctor, you're going to know your shit. So, you know, it's fancy. It's a fancy dildo.

Sage (07:32):

 I don't recall. Was it a little curved or just straight?

Emily (07:34):

A little curved.

Sage (07:35):

Okay, good. So it's going to hit the G-spot. That's why it's curved.

Emily (07:39):

Maybe. Well then there's the other ones which are small, but they do both. They hit both. 

Sage:

They hit the clit and the… 

Emily:

And the thing.  And then the freebie, I haven't even taken it out of the packaging because honestly the packaging was so pretty. And to your point, 3 is a lot. I'm going to be very busy. So it meant don't…

Sage (07:55):

You have three to tango with here

Emily (07:56):

bother calling me because I've got a lineup to go for days.

Sage:

Love it. 

Emily:

But what is vaginal rejuvenation anyway?

Sage (08:05):

Yeah, so

Emily (08:06):

I have never even really heard of this before.

Sage (08:08):

It's an LA thing because…

Emily (08:10):

Really? It's just specific to here?

Sage (08:12):

No, I think it is because anything goes plastic surgery wise here. Right. If you want to get your ass done, your fucking vagina done, your tits done your face, anything goes.

Emily (08:22):

Okay. Do you remember when my tooth fell out the day of the Super Bowl?

Sage (08:25):

Yup.  And I was like, who is this girl?

Emily (08:27):

And I was freaking out and I had a gap in my teeth at my first, I was here for a month. 

Sage:

Yes.

Emily:

Anyway, ne of my friends was like, oh, you are in the best city to get dental work done. 

Sage:

Absolutely.

Emily:

I was very nervous. 

Sage:

Next day.

Emily:

Who is going to get me a crown? And it was like, yes, very efficient. They were amazing and it's beautiful.  So you’re right.

Sage (08:42):

It's the land to get anything done and promptly.

Emily (08:46):

And you look natural and gorgeous. So hey.

Sage (08:48):

Yeah, so I'm not surprised, but yeah, the vaginal rejuvenation is kind of new on my radar.

Emily (08:56):

Ok. Interesting.

Sage (08:56):

But who introduced me to the idea of it was of course, guess who

Emily (09:01):

Big K.

Sage (09:02):

Uh huh.

Emily (09:03):

Big K will know.

Sage (09:04):

Big K knows everything.

Emily (09:07):

He has a dictionary of vaginal things.

Sage (09:11):

Yes!  Vaginal everything. Right? And so I learned that porn stars primarily use this method to sew up their vaginas after they've been blown out by many dicks.

Emily (09:23):

Wait, wait, wait.  It's sewn? Okay, I think we need to call Big K.

Sage (09:26):

Okay,

Emily (09:27):

Let's just call Big K. I want to hear directly from him.

Sage (09:29):

I like that. He'll be better at describing what the process is and he's not even a woman.

Emily (09:34):

I want to hear it straight from his mouth. And then how he knows.

Sage:

Oh my gosh. 

Emily:

How he knows that porn stars do this.

Big K (09:47):

Hello, hello, hello

Emily (09:50):

Hi Big K!  Happy Holidays.

Big K (09:51):

What's up ladies? How are we doing? How are we doing?

Emily (09:56):

We’re doing great. 

Sage:

Yeah. Happy holidays. Did you get all your Christmas cards out?

Big K (10:00):

Yeah. 4,011. You know me, some of us have friends.

Emily (10:04):

Jesus, I don't think I've sent one ever in my life. 

Sage:

You must have a lot of clients and friends, which is great for you.

Big K (10:13):

I know, hey, when you’re the insurance guy, you know what I'm saying?

Emily (10:16):

Yeah, yeah. 

Sage:

You got to keep in touch. 

Emily:

Car guys got to be Santa every once in a while.

Big K (10:22):

That's right. They don't get gifts, they get a picture of my face.  It's everybody’s gift.

Emily (10:26):

Oh my God. We should make a picture of your face as like little stickers. 

Sage:

Yes! 

Emily:

Like with a little Santa hat on it and then just stick you all over the place.

Big K (10:33):

It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Sage (10:34):

Wait, wait, wait. Speaking of that, Big K, what kind of ugly sweater are you going to wear to the Christmas party? Describe it again.

Big K (10:41):

Well, I'm going to wear one that says Mike Tyson, happy Christmas.

Emily:

Ohhh

Sage (10:47):

Say it again.

Big K (10:49):

Happy, Merry Christmas.

Sage (10:52):

You got the twang on that really well. I can tell it's not your first time wearing it.

Big K (10:58):

I use my Mike Tyson voice.  That's right. That's Mike Tyson on my chest and Mike Tyson in my heart.

Emily (11:03):

Awwww.  So sweet.

Sage (11:05):

So Emily was just updating us that on Cyber Monday she went crazy and bought three different types of dildos. They were on sale, of course, because Cyber Monday. 

Emily (11:14):

Big K, you would be so proud of me

Sage (11:15):

And she's already used them.

Big K (11:16):

I'm so proud.

Sage (11:17):

Yes, I saw it charging next to her bed.

Big K (11:19):

Did third grade teacher buy a dildo? 

Emily:

Wait, what Big K? 

Big K:

Third grade teachers buying dildos? What’s this world coming to.

Emily (11:24):

I know, I know it's a whole new leaf.

Big K (11:28):

Did you use any?

Emily (11:29):

I tried one. But, you know, three. I don't have a ton of time, but I did try one.

Sage:

And it's got a little curve to it to hit the G-spot and it's big.

Big K (11:39):

Well, we don't know. One is small, do we? That's crazy.

Sage (11:43):

No, but speaking of all the dildos she has, it brought us to the topic of vaginal rejuvenation.

Emily (11:49):

Yes. Because this is recommended. This brand is recommended by LA's number one vaginal rejuvenation doctor. But I have no idea what that means. I just thought she sounded incredible. But what does that mean?

Big K (12:00):

Well, that's the crazy that you don't know and I do. 

Emily (12:03):

Exactly. We already said that.

Big K (12:06):

The craziest part about that is these older ladies have kids and they go to this doctor and he sticks up this silver thing in there and they have to go back three times and it shrinks it.

Emily:

What??

Sage (12:20):

Wait, so it's not stitched up? It’s by…

Emily (12:27):

Sage was saying they take stitches and they stitch up their little…

Big K (12:27):

No, no stitches. 

Emily:

No stitches. 

Big K:

It's literally they stick this wand in there and they circle it around and it shrinks up all your muscles in there. And I mean, other than doing Kegels, this is the next best thing for ladies over 45.

Emily (12:42):

Now the Kegel is where you're just doing it yourself, right? You're just, it's like a little squat for your vage, kind of.

Big K (12:49):

You should be doing that right now.

Sage (12:50):

We are. I am as we speak. Yes. You just reminded me.

Emily:

Sage is.

Big K (12:54):

There should be no time that you're sitting around doing nothing that says, lemme do a quick 30.

Emily (12:58):

Well, okay, so I, Emily… 

Sage:

Do a quick 30, shit.

Emily:

No, no. I, Emily, personally don't think I need to do Kegels or whatever they're called or any kind of vage rejuvenation because first of all, I haven't had any kids. Second of all, I'm not that old. And third, I had a Brazilian lover who told me that my vagina was like it was still in high school. So what better endorsement is that?

Sage (13:24):

Pretty!

Emily (13:25):

Yeah, hot young Brazilian with washboard abs. Yes.

Sage:

Yes.

Big K (13:29):

Well, who couldn't appreciate a compliment from a guy like that. That being said, where did we go? Did he make you come like a rock star or what are we talking about here? I mean just because you have it tightened, squeezy and all. Yummy. Did you come all over the place?

Emily (13:45):

You know, I don't remember. 

Sage:

That's a bad sign now. 

Big K:

Wow. 

Sage:

That's a bad sign. 

Emily:

I'm trying to remember.

Big K (13:52):

Wait, a minute, all you remember is his abs, what he was, his nationality?

Emily (13:56):

Oh, he was so sweet. No, no, no. We became good friends and he was like a lover and it was perfect. Because we were both on the same page.  And so I think I remember more of that of just, oh, and he would make me feel like a goddess. So it was like, I don't remember the orgasm. I just remember how I felt. I felt like… 

Sage:

How he treated you.

Emily:

Yes!

Big K (14:11):

So you don't know if you had an orgasm with him.

Emily (14:15):

Oh, I probably did. I must have.

Sage (14:17):

I don't know. I mean how long were you with him for?

Big K:

Right.

Emily (14:20):

A few months. And then he moved to Jersey and I was devastated that he moved to Jersey. Because it was just the perfect situation and he was hot and he had a great body and he was so sweet and I just felt like a million bucks. But then when he would come back to Boston from Jersey, he would always hit me up. It was always so sweet. And then he became a flight attendant and now I haven’t seen him in awhile. 

Big K (14:43):

So you don't care if you cum then.  

Emily:

Ummmm.  Do I care.

Big K: 

Obviously you just cared about all the other stuff and having an orgasm was not on your list?

Sage (14:46):

See, I do care.

Emily (14:48):

No, no, no. I think I care. It depends on who it's with.

Sage (14:52):

Yes, agreed.

Emily (14:53):

Because if it's with some strange dude like these dudes that I've been hooking up here in LA.

Sage (14:58):

It's not going to happen.

Emily (14:59):

You got to make - No, no, no, no, no. It's got to be worth my time. So if I'm not going to cum, fuck off, go away.

Sage (15:04):

That's exactly how Sage feels. If you're not going to make me cum, we're not doing this again.

Emily (15:08):

Yeah. It's just like, well then why am I here?

Sage:

Exactly, yup.

Big K (15:12):

Okay, so you're saying you don't need any emotional attachment to cum. You can just get it in, whether it's a one night stand or two year stand or your lover like that guy.

Emily (15:22):

Yes, yes.  That's true. This is something that I have trained myself to do. I used to be like every other woman and I was always swept away by romance and love and whatever those chemicals are that get released when you have sex with somebody allegedly for women. I would just get so emotionally attached and then through my kind of, what do we want to call it, ex, getting rid of the ex's revenge. I learned how to have sex like a man and I am so proud that I can have sex like a man where I can bang you, I can cum, I can not cum and then I can be like, bye, peace out. I’m all set. 

Big K (16:05):

Okay, so what you're saying, you don't need emotional attachments, so you're like a man, which is good because

Emily (16:11):

No, no emotional attachment.

Big K (16:13):

I believe, I can come whether I have attachment or not. If I give me a night, yeah, I don't need any of that. I will squirt on your face, your back or whatever. I'm getting mine. Whether you get yours, knock knock, I’m leaving.

Sage (16:24):

Okay, first of all, all men are going to come 98% of the time.

Emily (16:30):

No, not true.  I would say it's more like 89.

Sage (16:34):

No, 98%. In my case.

Emily (16:37):

I've been with men who have not cum and then it's so terrible feeling for the woman that you can't make him cum. It's bad.

Big K (16:47):

I was about to say, you need to work on your vagina.

Sage (16:49):

I mean my vagina I think is a Golden Globe Award. I mean I'm happy with my vagina.

Big K (16:53):

100%.  I'm saying if you've ever had a time when a dude didn't cum, he was either down with the other team, which being a man or you ain't got the good, good good.

Emily (17:03):

No, I think maybe there was something else going on.

Big K:

No.

Sage (17:06):

Okay. In my experience, 98% of the time the dude is going to cum. Now for me, I’m more…

Big K (17:13):

100% of the time.

Sage (17:14):

Yes. And I'm more mental in my mind about wanting to cum. So I have to, if it's a friend, maybe I'm not going to cum. And if it's a one night stand, I'm probably not going to cum. Because I have to be comfortable and I have to feel secure. If I'm in love or if I feel…

Emily (17:33):

Trust the person.

Sage (17:33):

Exactly. Trust, then I will. No problem. And so I have to say for hookups and friends and randos, not so much. But if I'm fully invested emotionally and mentally, I guess I'm like every other woman, then it's not a problem. You know?

Big K (17:49):

Well you obviously are not like every other woman because there's one sitting next to you that says she can come on anybody's penis.

Sage (17:54):

Which is great. Get it girl. 

Emily:

Well….

Big K (17:56):

No doubt

Emily (17:56):

On anybody’s? 

Sage:

Well now, she's backtracking. 

Emily:

I don’t know about anybody’s.

Sage:

Are you backtracking?

Emily:

No, I'm not backtracking. I'm just clarifying that it doesn't have to be, it can be a stranger who I don't give a shit about. It doesn't have to be an emotional, mental thing.

Big K (18:06):

You could have a one night stand and cum.  Most girls, I….

Emily (18:09):

But everybody?  Let's remember the bartender who wooed me for three months. 

Sage:

But he came in two minutes. 

Emily:

He came in two minutes.

Sage:

You didn't even have a minute. 

Emily:

Exactly. So he didn't make me cum. 

Sage:

Right. 

Emily:

And he might have, if he stayed

Big K (18:20):

Well he didn't make you cum if it wasn't for the effort.

Emily (18:21):

Yeah

Big K (18:23):

He just came too fast.

Emily:

Yes.

Sage (18:24):

And then he didn't try to give you yours.

Emily:

The fastest quickie of all time.

Sage:

Which is when you know to say, don't call him again. 

Emily:

Well yeah. And we didn’t.

Sage:

Yes you didn't. 

Emily:

No.

Sage:

Perfect.

Big K (18:32):

And that being said, what do you guys, okay, have to have, can you cum while getting eaten out or do you have to have penetration or do you like to just play with your clit? What is your best orgasm? Whether it's with somebody you like, it's a one night stand. Obviously somebody doesn't even need to care about somebody and it's a one night stand. You can just eat it like me. I think if you eat it first, you get you guys all riled up. Most of the time you got to get it then. So you don't have to worry about getting them to come in the other way.

Emily (19:03):

Well you could come twice. That's the other beautiful thing about being a woman.  You can have it all.

Big K (19:07):

Know doubt.

Sage (19:08):

I can do all three if it's someone that I love and feel comfortable and trust with. If it's a friend or a hookup or a rando, then it's like the clit, like eat me out. It'll probably happen. Eh. I still have to be comfortable enough.  But normally not through penetration is how I can cum.  Unless I love the person.

Emily:

Hm.

Big K (19:28):

Hm. Okay.

Sage (19:30):

So it varies for me. What about you, Emily?

Big K (19:33):

Position wise - with doggy? Riding 'em.

Sage (19:37):

Riding. Riding. 

Big K:

Regular?

Sage:

Riding and sucking on my nipples. I'm all yours.  Hands down.

Emily:

Yeah, a hundred percent. Yeah. That might be a playbook for most women, I think.

Sage (19:45):

Yeah.

Emily (19:47):

Because of the way it's positioned in there, you know?

Sage (19:49):

Well, plus it's so erotic when they're licking on your fucking nipples. It's such a turn on. 

Emily:

Yeah.

Sage:

I feel like a porn star. Set it all up. Ride that fucking dick. Lick on the nipples. 

Emily:

The disco ball is rolling.

Sage:

Yes, we're cutting.  Let’s do this!

Emily:

Those pink lights are on.

Big K (20:04):

So which one of your nipples is more sensitive than the other?

Sage (20:07):

Oh, I don't actually know that. That's a good question.

Emily:

We’ll have to test this out.

Big K (20:11):

Yes, we all have a sensitive nipple. 

Sage:

Will I be licking my nipples tonight? 

Big K:

That’s right. Yeah, get that ice cube out and see which one makes your vagina wet. And I'm telling you, one nipple is connected to your vagina, the other one is not.

Emily:

Ice cube?  No!

Sage (20:22):

That sounds awful.  I don't want to freeze my shit.

Emily:

Ice cube.  That sounds cold. 

Sage:

Then I won't have any sensation. 

Emily:

It's winter. And even in southern California it's cold. No, no, no, no, no, no. 

Sage:

We're not going with the ice cube. 

Big K (20:34):

It never rains in Southern California.

Sage (20:36):

We're not going with the ice cube, dude. Where do you want us to put that shit in our…

Big K (20:39):

No, I just want you to do that to make your nipple hard and then you play with it. Not to freaking keep it on there.

Sage (20:44):

No, because then it's like frozen and there's no sensation. We're not doing the ice cube thing. I'll put it up my anus, my asshole. We'll see if it melts up there. I don't know.

Emily (20:54):

Oh Sage.  We took this way too far.

Big K:

That was a lot. That was a lot. 

Emily:

Okay, but wait, wait. Okay, so.

Big K (20:58):

Okay.

Emily (21:00):

Part of the beautiful thing that happened from my Womanizer, which is now my best friend. 

Sage:

Your dildo.

Emily:

Is that I lost complete interest in a man that was pursuing me. But it could have been that, but it also could have been that he started talking about, I didn't really know what he meant. And so Big K, I’m glad you're on the call because, so he's, we're chatting over text and he goes…

Sage:

Wait. And you found him on an app.

Emily:

It was an app, yes. 

Sage:

Which one?

Emily:

I don't remember. I only do Hinge or Bumble. So one of those.  HInge or Bumble.

Sage:

Okay.

Emily:

I don't know. Pick your poison. They're all terrible. I did Tinder for a while until they realized they were all fake. Everybody on that thing is not real. They're not. And actually one of my good guy friends now is doing online dating for the first time ever in his life. Little digression here, but it's hilarious. Because I've started, he sends me the pictures of the girls and I start to circle where the Photoshopping is going wrong. And I'm like, she's fake. She's fake and he won't believe me. And I'm like, no, no, no, these aren't real people.

Sage (22:03):

Let him go on the fake dates and he'll learn for himself. He's not going to take your advice.

Emily (22:08):

There is no fake date. It's like some old dude in Russia trying to steal his credit card information or his identity. And then it poses as this cute girl. But then you can see her hands cut off awkwardly. And you're like, this person doesn't have a hand.

Sage (22:20):

Right.

Emily (22:21):

So anyway, Tinder's full of 'em, but apparently so is Hinge because that’s what he’s on.  

Sage (22:24):

And without a hand, you can't do a fucking hand job. 

Emily:

I know!

Sage:

So you don't want that bitch anyways.

Emily (22:27):

I was like, how are you attracted to this woman? She's fake as shit and she doesn't have a hand.  What the hell's wrong with you? 

Sage:

No hand job. Forget it.

Big K (22:32):

He wanted a nub rub.  He wanted a nub rub.  He wanted a nub rub.

Emily (22:37):

Maybe that's his kink. I don't know. I don't know. I kind of stopped the conversation until it goes too far. But anyway, so he's kind of got me sort of back on apps, sort of, and this guy and I thought it was like, oh, okay. It started off really well. I was like, oh, I might have a date. Yay. And I was interested in meeting somebody new and going on a date and getting to know somebody and hey, who knows, whatever. Maybe it's a one night stand, maybe it's nothing at all. Who cares? Very just open to whatever. And he said he was kind of into the same thing. Then he kinda then took this turn and now mind you, this is when my Womanizer is shipping to me. 

Sage:

Right. It’s en route.

Emily:

So his days are numbered anyway. But he all of a sudden goes, okay, you're one of the few women on the app that has not said you would look adorable on all fours. And I'm like, what, what, the women.

Sage (23:29):

Like you look good on all fours?  Or he does?

Emily (23:31):

No, he does.  Allegedly. 

Big K:

Ew.

Sage:

Pardon me? 

Emily:

The women are messaging this guy, he would look adorable on all fours. And I didn't really get it. I was kind of like, what? And I was like, well, okay, whatever. Ha, ha. And then we continue talking about other stuff and then he goes, well have you ever done that with a guy on all fours?

Sage (23:51):

Wait, Big K, what does a woman do with a man that wants to be on all fours? I have never experienced that.

Big K (23:56):

I’m thinking he's on all fours and she's licking his booty hole.

Sage:

Oh.

Emily (24:00):

Well, well the conversation went on because he, 

Sage (24:05):

Because most women don't lick dude's buttholes. I haven’t.

Big K (24:09):

Well maybe these women on here are feeling adorable because there's nothing else to do than him with his ass up in the air and one of you guys sticking your tongue in his butthole, which is nasty.

Emily (24:20):

Well, no, no Big K, I figured it out. 

Sage:

We're sticking ice cubes up there. 

Emily:

Ice cube. That's what I mean. I was like, maybe I should text him back and offer an ice cube.

Sage:

Instead of anal beads, do ice cubes.

Emily:

No. Basically he was then going on, I'm trying to figure out what the hell he is talking about. And then he was talking about how these women were just going to tear 'em apart and he was scared of them. But I seem really sweet and I have to promise to be gentle. And I'm like, whoa bro, you're making a lot of assumptions here. I thought we were just going to have a drink and now all of a sudden we're talking about you on all fours in my bedroom. Like what?

Sage (24:50):

He must be kinky.

Emily (24:51):

Anyway, he wanted me to strap on a dildo and ram 'em.

Sage (24:54):

Is that what it ultimately came up to?

Big K:

That’s what I mean!  He was, he was…

Emily (24:56):

That’s what he said to me.

Big K:

That’s what I mean!

Sage (24:57):

You swear to God?

Big K (25:00):

You’re licking his butt hole and he wanted you to, yes he wanted you to hump him.

Emily:

I swear to God. 

Sage (25:01):

Just call micro for that shit. Fuck this fucker. 

Emily:

I know.  Micro!

Sage:

I'd rather have you do micro fucking with the dildo strapped on. 

Emily:

I would rather do micro too. 

Sage:

‘Cause he's nice.

Emily (25:11):

Micro was a great guy.

Sage (25:12):

Yeah,

Emily (25:13):

We still are trying to find him.

Sage (25:14):

Very sweet.

Emily (25:15):

Mid-City. Anybody in Mid-City.

Sage (25:16):

Okay, wait.  So this Bumble, Tinder, whatever guy,

Emily:

Whatever dude. 

Sage:

Literally then said to you, yes, I want to be on all fours because I want you to fuck me.

Emily (25:24):

Yes, with a dildo.  

Sage (25:24):

With a strap on dildo.

Emily (25:26):

And then he was like, how would that make you feel if you looked down and saw a dildo on you? And I was like, fine. I was like, I don't know, am I supposed to be? He was like, you wouldn't get weirded out. And I'd be like, 

Sage:

Yes. 

Emily:

No, it would just be a dildo. 

Sage:

Oh no thank you. 

Emily:

Well, have you ever, have you ever, I've never worn one. Have you worn one?

Sage (25:43):

No. Sage is not down to play like that, honey.

Emily (25:45):

Oh, a new side of Sage.

Sage (25:47):

No, Sage does not want to have sex with a woman. And I don't want to have sex with a man with a strapped on dildo. 

Emily:

Yeah.

Sage:

No. I’m good.  

Big K (25:54):

That’s up to you people. You like weird, you like micros, you like, dudes who want to get dicks in the ass. You gotta problem, dude.  

Emily (26:02):

No, I did not like this dude, I did not like this dude.

Sage:

You gotta problem dude. 

Emily:

I ended up ghosting this dude because then he turned around two days later and was like, so what's up for the weekend? And I was like, I can't just bounce back from that and be like, let’s go have tea.

Sage:

You gotta problem dude.

Emily:

Like, what the fuck? No, but I also realized that this guy…

Sage:

Big K.  Help us. 

Emily:

No, Big K, listen, listen.  This guy, I felt kinda bad for him.

Big K:

I’m so sick right now, I don’t know if I can handle it.  

Sage:

Our producer is laughing his ass off.  He can’t even handle it. 

Emily:

Stop, stop.  Let me give you a little backstory about this poor man. He was with the same woman. So he was 35 and he was with the same woman his whole life. 

Sage:

That's what he says.  That’s what he says.

Emily:

They met in college and they recently went through a breakup. And so my interpretation was that he had all of these pent up fetishes and fantasies that she never let him do ever because they were like the little college sweethearts and they were supposed to get married. And so now he wants to just live out all these fantasies that he's had with strange women.

Big K (26:55):

Because he’s a homosexual.

Sage (26:56):

Yeah. Unacceptable. Unacceptable.

Emily:

Well, maybe.

Big K (26:59):

Anybody that’s… Okay.

Emily:

Maybe he's,

Sage:

He wants to be gay. 

Big K:

He wants to hear… 

Sage:

Which is fine.

Big K:

He might call me next. Be like, hey, can you come over, I'm on all fours. What the hell?  What the hell.  

Emily (27:08):

Guys, why do all the gay men love me? They do. 

Sage:

They do now.

Emily:

But they do.

Big K (27:13):

We all love third grade teachers. If your third grade vibe that shit goes off a terrible, terrible vibe. You get gay dudes, you get micros. You got a dude that wants you to bone him in his ass with a dildo because his wife, his girl from 27 years wouldn't do it to him. What the hell you talking about? That's not okay. That's not okay.

Sage (27:37):

Big K, can we give him your phone number?

Big K (27:39):

Nope. Just give him my number and I'll be like, nope, I will fist you, I will fist you, but I will not do anything else. 

Sage:

You're so awesome, dude. 

Emily:

I'll consider it.

Big K:

I am so messed up with you. The dudes you attract is the worst.

Emily:

I know. I know.

Big K:

I can't take it.  I can’t take it.

Sage:

I can't take it anymore.

Emily (27:58):

I can’t either.

Big K:

I can’t take it.

Emily:

I will say that we asked you what he meant. I asked my other, my guy friend who's on these online apps what that meant.

Big K (28:08):

I told you he wants you to lick his booty. But that’s the same thing as sticking a dildo.

Emily (28:08):

No you guys were wrong.  Who figured it out? I did. Emily figured out. 

Sage:

Oh my God, you guys. 

Emily:

What he was getting at and I was so proud of myself. 

Sage (28:21):

This scenario is worse than Sage could ever have a story about.

Big K:

It’s so bad.

Emily (28:23):

This is why… I’m still single.

Big K:

This is horrible.

Sage:

Yes. 

Emily:

Well then the Womanizer arrives in three separate boxes, these beautiful little toys that were, and then I was just like, yeah, no, I'm good. I'm fine. 

Sage:

Take the dildo to your vage yourself.

Big K (28:36):

You got three dildos and you should have taken the pictures and send them to him and said, which one do you want me to wear?

Emily (28:41):

No. No. He doesn't deserve that. No.

Sage:

Yes. That's great. 

Emily:

No, because speaking of…

Big K (28:46):

I'm so pissed. You guys wasted my damn Wednesday night to tell me about some damn dude that wants to get hit in the ass.  I’m pissed.  I am angry. 

Emily (28:53):

Sorry. Next time we'll call you right away.  I thought we did though?

Big K (28:59):

I would've been so much better to say anything else.  But this?  No.  I can’t.

Emily (29:02):

Sage, I thought I asked you what this guy meant and then you were like, give me context.

Big K (29:05):

You did.  And I told you he wanted his booty all licked, the same thing. 

Emily:

But you were wrong. You were wrong.

Big K:

I wasn't wrong. He was gay.

Emily:

You were wrong. He wanted me to put on a dildo.

Big K (29:14):

A dude on all fours is gay. 

Emily:

He didn't want me to… 

Big K:

I've never been on all fours. 

Emily:

Yeah, but okay, so my theory, and I called him out on this, is that the women were not saying that to him. I think he was saying it to the women just like he did to me.

Sage (29:24):

Any woman would be very confused if a man was like, Hey, if I'm on all fours what do you want to do to me.  Any straight woman would be like, uhhh, I don’t know.

Emily (29:33):

That’s weird, right? Unless you're like a true dominatrix weird porn in your black straps.

Sage:

Vaginal rejuvenation.

Emily (29:40):

No, that's vaginal rejuvenation in the wrong way. 

Sage:

The porn girls love vaginal rejuvenation

Big K (29:45):

Porn girls are full on doing rejuvenation. Do you ever see them when they go with some of them dudes with them damn donkey dicks? You crazy. You got to rejuvenate after that.

Sage (29:56):

Wait, Big K, do porn girls strap on a dildo and fuck a guy?

Emily:

Probably.

Big K (30:01):

What? 

Emily:

Probably. Aren't their porns about that? 

Big K:

In the gay videos. I'm sure they do everything.

Sage:

Okay.

Emily (30:06):

Well, all right. Well, we'll have to save that. 

Big K (30:10):

They have bisexual porn.  But you having dudes that your selection of dudes is I think is go out with you because tell you, okay, this dude, that dude, he's probably normal because the dudes you got to try to get at you are hormones or they got small penises. Or they come in two seconds. What is - your black book list is terrible.

Emily (30:29):

I know.  I have been striking out in LA. Okay, so here we go. We are now going to be on a mission to, and we can take our time with this mission because I have my Womanizers and I don't need vaginal rejuvenation, so I'm good. So we will now be on a mission to find me a normal man. I think it's impossible.

Sage (30:46):

Good luck.  It's Los Angeles.

Emily (30:47):

Yeah, it's impossible. But we're going to try. 

Sage:

It’s not going to happen here.

Emily:

We're going to try.

Sage (30:50):

Let's go visit your friend in Texas like we had talked about.  Let's take our girls trip and we will find men. 

Emily:

We could visit my friend in Texas.

Sage:

There for you, honey. 

Emily:

I have two friends in Texas. 

Sage:

Okay, let's go, bring your vagina. 

Emily:

All right.

Sage:

We'll figure this out.

Big K (31:02):

Bring that vagina and don't bring a strap on because in Texas they're steers, but ain't no queer.

Emily (31:09):

That's not true. One of my friends in Texas is gay.

Big K (31:13):

I'm telling you that right now. Don't fuck around. Fuck around, go out there. Try to bone a dude in his ass. Get your ass lit up.

Sage (31:20):

Big K, you're the best. Thank you for all the advice and we love your perspective as always.

Emily:

We love you. I will keep you posted on our mission. 

Sage:

Happy holidays.

Big K (31:30):

You guys be safe. Stay away from guys on all fours. It's no good.

Sage (31:34):

We’ve learned now. We've got it. 

Emily:

Thank you. Thank you.

Sage:

All right, have a good one. We'll talk soon. 

Emily:

Bye. 

Big K:

Alright, talk to you ladies.  Bye now.

Emily (31:40):

Alright gang. So it's not that dire. My love life is not this terrible, I swear. But I do highly recommend these new dildos to all the single ladies out there. It's a nice little holiday gift for yourself.  It’s self-care  and self-love wrapped up in really pretty pink packaging. So anyways, because it is the holidays, we will not be dropping next week. It is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. And so Sage and I will be with our families celebrating.  And we hope you enjoy and have some of that own personal downtime for yourself. Catch up on all of our episodes in between that family time. If you're sitting in an airport or are stuck in traffic, just start at the beginning and binge listen to us all day long. But do remember that our content is not safe for work, not safe for parents. And by all means, as you just heard, not safe for the children. So make sure your earbuds are in.

Sage (32:40):

That’s right.  Yes, and spread the love Emily, hint hint, and give your friends a little bit of love with those dildos.

Emily (32:48):

Okay.

Sage (32:48):

Is that Cyber Monday sale still going?

Emily (32:50):

Or you can just send them our podcast.

Sage (32:52):

There you go.  Even better.

Emily (32:53):

Share, subscribe. Give us some stars or even a review. We love to hear from you. Keep those dms going and we will see you on New Year's Eve. 

Sage:

Cheers. 

Emily:

Cheers. Bye.