Tarot, A German Spy, Evacuation Sex - Oh My!

Emily remembers that Get Under to Get Over actually does work when a former lover who fights terrorism around the world reaches out to her during the wildfires. After seeing the Venice Beach Tarot Lady on a particularly gloomy Saturday night, Emily and Sage both get clarity on how to move on from toxic exes and terrible bosses, including the wise advice for Sage to flee Los Angeles for Oregon to rekindle with an old high school sweetheart.  Over the course of the next 11 kink-filled days while being evacuated from LA, she experiments with all kinds of new bendy positions and lives to tell Emily all about it.

Transcript

Emily (00:12):

What's up Los Angeles and all the Watch Me Do it fans all over the world. This is Emily with my bestie here, Sage. 

Sage:

Hello. How's everyone doing? 

Emily:

We are back for another episode on our weekly Tuesday drops, and this one is a little follow up to our last episode, episode seven, Get Under To Get Over.  So for those of you who are just tuning in or haven't had a chance yet to listen to that one, or if you even forget, no worries, we are not mad. But we got into the deets of a very odd relationship that I, Emily, have had and we even talked about if it even is a relationship at all, because this is with this guy who lives here in LA, right by me, who I've known for three years and we've effectively been pen pals for those three years. Actually, it reminds me a lot - now this is a throwback movie. If there's any Joaquin Phoenix fans out there like I am…

Sage:

I am. 

Emily:

There's this movie called Her. It's early Scarlett Johansson. You guys have to look it up. It's very good. It’s before AI became some of this huge thing, you know how it's everywhere now and everybody's talking about AI this, AI cars, AI that blah, blah, blah.

Sage (01:28):

Yep.

Emily (01:29):

So this movie was like, I don't even know, maybe 10 years ago. I don't know. 

Sage:

I've never seen it. 

Emily:

It's called Her. You would love it. We'll have to watch it because I am basically Joaquin Phoenix who falls in love with his alarm clock. And the alarm clock is Scarlet Johansson. So I mean, how could you not fall in love with Scarlet Johansson? She has the sexiest voice ever. I just love her.

Sage (01:51):

I do too.

Emily (01:51):

She's just beautiful and wonderful. So they have this relationship and the whole movie like a real relationship and he falls in love with her. And the whole movie is about how it's possible, potentially possible for a human being to fall in love with AI or with a robot. Anyway, fast forward to Emily's situation here. He's a real person, unfortunately, even though it feels like Joaquin Phoenix in Her and that I talk to this person over text for three years and get my butterflies in my stomach and la di da. So for those of you that picked up from last episode, we were to hang out last Friday, and so now it's the following Tuesday and we weren't sure what was going to happen. And so I feel like we should do a little drum roll, little poll of what happened. But all of my friends that know this person back East are going to be like, oh my God, Emily, of course like, duh. He did not show up. 

Sage:

Of course not. 

Emily:

He had to work

Sage (03:01):

On a Friday night. 

Emily

On a Friday night.

Sage:

And he couldn't see you on a Saturday or Sunday. Did he offer that?

Emily (03:08):

Well, no. So it was Friday because I was going to be in his neighborhood.

Sage (03:12):

You would've went to his neighborhood on a Saturday or Sunday.

Emily (03:12):

I mean, it's not a big deal. I'll go to his neighborhood to have a drink with him. 

Sage:

Of course.

Emily:

I haven't seen him in three years. 

Sage:

Sure.

Emily:

Why do I have to accidentally be in the neighborhood? But that's how it started. And so that's part of my grief with this person is, like, he is the one that asked me, this is the way it is. It's like, so guys, I'm not blowing up his phone. I'm not asking him. I'm not chasing after him. And this has now happened three times over three years that he asks me, so why are you asking me? So he said, oh, when's the next time you're going to be in my neighborhood? And I said, Friday.

Sage (03:44):

Three times in three years. There's your answer.

Emily (03:46):

I know.

Sage (03:47):

Hello.

Emily (03:48):

Well, what, the answer to…

Sage (03:49):

The answer is he's not into you. 

Emily (03:52):

He's not into me.

Sage:

No. 

Emily:

But then Watch Me Do It, family, we did remember that Get under to Get Over does work because after Andrew stood me up, I heard from my German spy.

Sage (04:05):

Oh, I love this story.

Emily (04:07):

German spy is the hottest man of all time. I call him German spy because he actually works for the German version of the FBI, sort of CIA. He legitimately fights terrorism around the world. 

Sage (04:22):

Fucking hot!

Emily:

Isn't it? 

Sage:

Yes.

Emily (04:23):

And he's tall and he's got the dark hair and we're both Virgos, so he's really sweet. I know, I know.

Sage (04:29):

Wait, listen, just for the title, I would be wet and moist and we're ready to fuck.

Emily (04:34):

Right? Right? He thinks I'm hilarious, but he lives it up. He sent me photos. He was in some cafe in Prague that was called the James Bond Cafe, and he literally sent a photo with the James Bond picture behind him and him in front of it, and he had this little smile on his face.

Sage (04:47):

Wait a second, this kind of sounds like a Grandpa G story.  The one with James Bond.

Emily (04:51):

Yes!  I wonder if Grandpa G has seen him, but he's like a legit, he actually does research terrorism and literally travels all over the world. And so I met him on Bumble.

Sage (05:05):

Of course.  

Emily:

Of all places.

Sage:

You always meet - wait, of all places?  Emily, you meet all your men on some kind of dating app.

Emily (05:11):

That’s not true. That's not true. I've had lots of in real life men. I just think it's like, only in LA would you meet a kind of foreign spy on Bumble. And he literally travels all over the world and he bumbles along and I am his LA girl.

Sage (05:24):

Oo, special you honey.

Emily (05:25):

Yeah. And he banged the shit on me. It was so romantic. We were at his hotel and this was after having cocktails. We were at Bar Chloe in Santa Monica, which is the bar part of the Hotel Carmel. And I had those ridiculous heels on, those same heels.

Sage (05:41):

That kill your feet.

Emily (05:42):

That kill my feet, that Big K says never take them off.

Sage (05:44):

As soon as you take 'em off, you look frumpy.

Emily (05:45):

But the thing is, is this man loved it. I took them off and I'm walking barefoot down the sidewalk in Santa Monica at night to his hotel room without my heels on. He took pictures of it.

Sage (05:54):

Were you walking through barf and heroin needles? How was that going for you?

Emily (05:58):

No, I don't remember, I was a little buzzed. 

Sage (05:59):

Ok.

Emily (06:00):

But yeah, I got under the German spy and we've kept in touch.

Sage (06:07):

Nice.

Emily (06:08):

And I was supposed to go visit him in Madrid, but then it was our friend's birthday, so I had to stay. So I didn't go to Madrid. And then he wanted me to come to Berlin, but then I got that stupid job in the Valley. And so then I couldn't leave. And he actually, he was one of those randos that reached out during the fires.

Sage (06:24):

Ohh

Emily (06:24):

And he sent me a picture of Latvia and it had all this snow and he said, I'm sending you snow from Latvia.

Sage (06:30):

To put out your fire, honey.

Emily (06:31):

How cute is that? No, this man lights my fire. Are you kidding?

Sage (06:33):

I know, I know. But to put out the fires that we're living through literally.

Emily (06:37):

He needs to come back like ASAP because this man is just like my dream in a bottle. 

Sage:

He's a goodie.

Emily:

He’s a goodie.

Sage (06:45):

Speaking of randos that just call in, text, what have you during the fires…

Emily (06:52):

Oh yeah. Double date guy.

Sage (06:54):

Yes. It's like when you're in distress, they come out of the woodwork.

Emily (06:57):

They come out of nowhere.

Sage (06:58):

Yes.

Emily (06:59):

Yeah, but I loved hearing from German spy. 

Sage:

Of course. 

Emily:

But you did not necessarily love hearing from double date guy. I mean, why would you?

Sage (07:04):

No, he’s so…

Emily:

That guy was weird. 

Sage:

So weird. I mean it was a go for a couple months, but there were so many arguments.

Emily (07:11):

You had your fun.  There were so many red flags.

Sage (07:12):

And so…

Emily (07:14):

The ex-girlfriend from Australia, like what?

Sage (07:16):

Yeah, and he was judgmental all the time.

Emily (07:18):

All the time.

Sage (07:19):

I had to fix this and do that. And I was like,

Emily (07:23):

And he would crash our girlfriend dates. 

Sage (07:23):

I was like I don’t fucking have to change anything about me.

Emily (07:25):

Men, men listen to us, do not crash the girlfriend date.

Sage (07:28):

Especially after you've had three bottles of rose with your girlfriends.

Emily (07:32):

Rose all day. We were drinking on a summertime…

Sage (07:34):

It was like midsummer.  Exactly.

Emily (07:36):

Yeah. By a pool.  Like come on.

Sage (07:37):

Stay away.

Emily (07:37):

Stay away.

Sage (07:39):

So…

Emily (07:39):

But you ended up blocking him.

Sage (07:41):

I did.

Emily (07:42):

Yes.

Sage (07:42):

So he, you know, texts and was like, oh, call me when you can during the fires. It's like, when is it going to be a good time? You dumb fuck. So anyways, just to put the fire out, so to speak, right? No pun intended. 

Emily (07:56):

No pun intended.  Very cute.

Sage (07:57):

Give him a quick call. Yeah. Hey, what's up? How are you? It's been months. Why are you bothering?

Emily (08:02):

Right, right.

Sage (08:03):

And he's like, just checking in on you to make sure everything's okay. And I'm like, dude, I've been solid and well for 24 fucking years in LA. I don't need your little check-in after it's been six months to see how I'm doing. I don't need shit from you.

Emily (08:17):

It can be sweet.  Like from German spy, it was adorable. But from this guy, it's creepy.

Sage (08:22):

It wasn't genuine.

Emily (08:23):

Exactly.

Sage (08:23):

German spy was genuine.

Emily (08:25):

Yes. And his heart was breaking for Los Angeles because he's a good guy. This guy was creepy. Yeah, it was, it was bullshit.

Sage (08:30):

And within two minutes we're having an argument and I'm like, how have I not talked to you in six months? We're already fucking arguing about nothing. And at that point I was like, why are you in my life? Why are you texting me? And I did something crazy that I've never done.

Emily (08:47):

What did you do, Sage?

Sage (08:48):

I blocked him. 

Emily:

Nice. 

Sage:

And I never block people. 

Emily (08:53):

Me neither. I don't like it. I think it's immature.

Sage (08:56):

Me too.

Emily (08:57):

I think it's weird. It's part of this new modern day communication style that unless the person's downright abusing you, harassment, you need a restraining order type of thing. That makes sense. But I think blocking - a lot of my friends are super trigger happy that somebody says one wrong thing and rather than hearing them out and working it out, they're just like, no, he's dead to me. He's blocked, he's blocked, he's blocked. And you're kind of like, well, this is going to get anywhere.

Sage (09:23):

It’s kind of aggressive. It's an aggressive approach.

Emily (09:25):

It's aggressive. And I just think it doesn't give a chance to kind of work it through. But this is different though. Why did you decide to, of all the people in the world, you have no one else blocked. Why did you block him?

Sage (09:35):

I think that there's no friendship there. There is no true conversation. Obviously there's not a relationship.

Emily (09:45):

No.

Sage (09:45):

And I'm annoyed. I don't want to hear it.

Emily (09:50):

Well, and he’s going to keep reaching out too.

Sage:

It's like white noise. 

Emily:

He's going to reach out again.

Sage (09:53):

Yeah.

Emily (09:53):

Yeah.

Sage (09:54):

I mean the same way that you blocked Andrew.

Emily (09:56):

I did. I did. And he's one of the only people blocked, and I didn't want to at first because it felt aggressive. It felt like too much. I was like, he's not, we're still friends. He's just an asshole. He just stands me up all the time, whatever. He’s just, you know, I'm going to be the Joaquin and he's going to be my little Scarlett Johansson and that's fine. He doesn't have to come around the video games or whatever. But Tarot Lady said, bitch, you better block him. 

Sage:

She's spot on. 

Emily:

And she is so good. 

Sage (10:25):

Yeah, she's really good.

Emily (10:25):

I love my tarot lady.

Sage (10:26):

Agreed.

Emily (10:27):

Love, love her.

Sage (10:28):

So Emily had seen tarot card lady a year ago when you first got to LA.

Emily (10:35):

Before I officially moved here.

Sage (10:37):

And you were raving about her.

Emily (10:37):

I was in Venice Beach and I was like, it was my last night before I had to go back to Boston. And I was like, I'm going to do something very Venice. And everybody in LA has a tarot lady.

Sage (10:47):

They do.

Emily (10:47):

Instead of therapy, we go see psychics. It's great.

Sage (10:49):

Yes, uh huh.

Emily (10:50):

I actually fucking love it. It's amazing. They're better. They're better than therapists because they're more direct. They're just like, bitch, this is what happens. This is what the cards are saying. You listen or you don't. And she is so good.

Sage (11:01):

You know they're very different because they’re not like, how does it look? How does it sound and how does it feel?

Emily (11:06):

And they don't want to…

Sage (11:07):

Yeah, we see therapists, they're like touchy feely. This woman is like, bitch, let me put you in your place. 

Emily:

She's a New Yorker.

Sage:

Yeah. This is what you're doing wrong. This is what you need to do better. Fucking block him. Move on. These are your career opportunities ahead of you. 

Emily:

Yes.

Sage:

I love her. 

Emily (11:23):

I do too.  I'm glad you felt that way because your reading, your reading, didn’t…. So my reading was amazing. I always feel amazing after I see tarot lady.  She's OG, she's right on Venice Beach, gang. And this particular reading, it was so weird because it was very, very dark and gloomy. This was a Saturday night that we went last Saturday I think, or Friday. And it was odd for Venice, especially this time of year that there was a lot of, it was just cloudy and it felt kind of like spooky season, which is actually kind of perfect to go get your cards read.

Sage (11:55):

The boardwalk was definitely, 

Emily (12:00):

It was quiet.

Sage (12:00):

Quiet, super dart, gray.

Emily (12:01):

Especially for Venice, which is normally lit up and bumping.

Sage (12:03):

But we're also not in season. It's not summer.

Emily (12:07):

That’s true. That's true. It's winter. It's winter. And she's right on the boardwalk. So you literally get your cards read, looking at the beautiful beach and Pacific Ocean. It's literally the best.

Sage (12:16):

It's a dream.

Emily (12:16):

It is a dream. She has a dream job, but she's still so New York. And she says it, she's like, I'm a New Yorker and I'm going to tell you what it's at. So she makes a lot of people cry.

Sage:

Not me. 

Emily:

They can't handle it.  No, no, why don’t you tell the listeners Sage.

Sage (12:26):

It's so the exact opposite. She was like, you know what? I'm done with this reading. You keep asking questions. I don't have the capacity or the fucking patience to answer this shit.

Emily (12:41):

Sage broke the tarot lady.

Sage (12:42):

I did.

Emily (12:43):

The New York tarot lady on Venice Beach.

Sage (12:44):

And she was like, you can give me your fucking money and I'm done with this shit. And I was like, well, I'm really familiar with tarot card reading because…

Emily (12:52):

Oh  this really pissed her off.

Sage (12:53):

It did, because my family does it for me, my auntie, and we're very intuitive, we're very spiritual. And I'm like, I know what I'm talking about. Do you? She's like, I've been doing this for 40 fucking years. So it became this moment of like, am I questioning her and is she good enough?

Emily (13:13):

Weren't you being like, this card's going to come. Isn't this car going to come? I bet you this card is going to come. She was so mad because you wanted a certain card.

Sage (13:18):

Yes. I always get the card of… 

Emily:

It was like the hermit, right? 

Sage:

Yes, the hermit card. She's like, it's not even a good card, so why are you waiting on it. 

Emily:

Yeah. She was pissed. 

Sage:

And I'm like, because my family always draws that one for me. I'm used to it. So anyways, it was so different because I had questions and I was challenging her and she was not up for it at all. She was like, well,

Emily (13:41):

You followed my reading, which was all doe-eyed and springtime, and me and tarot being like, woo, look at my future. And I was so happy. And she was like, you need to come back once a week, Emily. You need my life coaching. And I was like, yeah, no, I'm not going to be able to afford that.

Sage (13:53):

No. Well, she knew she couldn't pull that shit with me. I have questions. 

Emily (13:57):

Well, she almost fired you.  You almost got fired by tarot lady.

Sage (13:57):

No, she did. She said, I am done with this rating many times.

Emily (14:00):

And then I was kind of mad at you because I need to go back. She's my tarot lady. Don't ruin that relationship.  That’s the worst cock block ever, Sage.

Sage (14:07):

Oh my God.

Emily (14:08):

To get in between me and my tarot lady.  Bitch.

Sage (14:10):

I cock block you all the time.

Emily (14:12):

Yes, you do.

Sage (14:12):

I don't know what it is.

Emily (14:14):

Yes, you do.

Sage (14:14):

Because you are always with gay men, so I'm cock blocking you constantly.

Emily (14:18):

Well, there's, there's no cock to block when they’re gay.

Sage (14:20):

Well….

Emily (14:20):

But you're right. The gay men really do love me. 

Sage (14:22):

They do. 

Emily:

I love them back. 

Sage:

But you're both wasting your time because you want to get laid and it's not going to happen, babe. 

Emily:

I have the feeling it might happen soon. 

Sage:

Okay. We'll talk about that in another episode. 

Emily:

Yeah. 

Sage:

So yeah, tarot card lady, we love her. I did challenge her. And next time you see her, don't bring me with you. That's my best advice. 

Emily (14:43):

Okay. Yeah, no, that's great advice. I think I'm going to take that one to heart and just go on my own without you even knowing about it. 

Sage:

Exactly. 

Emily:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, tarot lady was like, block the fuck out of Andrew. He was blocked. You blocked double date guy.

Sage (14:53):

And speaking of blocking, let me just say this. So I have a former employer who I recently had a quote unquote breakup with. I did not technically block her, but instead I'm not responsive to any of her text messages. And I just want to let that relationship go.

Emily (15:12):

Okay.

Sage (15:13):

Because it sounds like she was doing me favors, throwing in small punches. I gave you a bunch of nice clothes. Aren't you appreciative?

Emily (15:23):

Like you're like the local Goodwill.

Sage (15:24):

Right? And I'm like, you wanted these bags off of your fucking arms because you just want Goodwill to pick it up that will be there in two weeks. Or I can take it right now.

Emily (15:34):

I will say though, that you gave me one of her pairs of jeans that she gave you, and that was,

Sage (15:39):

There's something feisty about it.

Emily (15:40):

That was the day I got hooked up with the micro penis. So hey, her jeans had some magic in them. 

Sage:

They did work. Yes. 

Emily:

So I will always think of her fondly for those jeans.

Sage (15:50):

No, it was a great time. Listen, we're talking Gretna Green, Brentwood, your finest, coolest fucking house ever. 

Emily:

Yeah, but I think it's interesting…

Sage:

I'm sorry, I can't work for crazy anymore. I'm too old for it.

Emily (16:02):

No.  But I think it's interesting that you called it a breakup because it wasn't like she just outright fired you or you just outright quit. It legitimately was like this passive aggressive bullshit and…

Sage (16:12):

And it was mutual.

Emily (16:13):

You’re considering blocking or not. It was literally the thoughts that you go through with ending a relationship with somebody.

Sage (16:20):

Listen, let me just get this straight. This bitch has an opportunity to be in Aspen from Christmas Day to New Year's Day, and all she's doing is checking the exterior cameras of her property to see that Emily and her little dog is visiting me while I'm there. 

Emily:

For like an hour and a half. 

Sage:

And then my brother and then my son come and stay the night. 

Emily:

Yeah who she thought you were like, she had men over.

Sage:

She was like you had guests over. I was like, my son, who's 14? My brother, who's 28, and Emily with her little dog. Let's talk about it, honey.

Emily (16:51):

She's crazy.

Sage (16:54):

And you know what?

Emily (16:54):

But just think about how miserable that is that you're in Aspen over the holidays and you're too busy watching Sage make dinner for her family members.

Sage (17:02):

And I was like, our trust was already out the fucking window when you had to stare at your cameras the entire time that you're in Aspen.  Enjoy.

Emily (17:08):

And then it’s over.  Yeah it’s over.  There’s no trust, it’s over.

Sage (17:09):

Go ski. Go fucking snowboard. Don't stare at me. What am I going to do?

Emily (17:13):

Live your life.

Sage (17:14):

Yeah,

Emily (17:14):

Yeah, yeah.

Sage (17:15):

Done.

Emily (17:16):

But you did not block her.

Sage (17:18):

I just did not respond. And then what's so weird, because I'm not with the times, but after two weeks of not responding to her last text about a couple days ago, she added a sticker, which is a reminder, I think a sticker to that text that I never responded to.

Emily:

Very passive aggressive. 

Sage:

Like, Hey, me, remember me?

Emily (17:39):

Yeah. She wants a response from you.

Sage (17:41):

And I'm not going to do it.

Emily (17:43):

But why wouldn't you block her though? What's different between her and the double date guy?

Sage (17:46):

Because with work and job opportunity and financial money, I leave those doors open.

Emily (17:54):

So you think there's still a chance that you would go work for her?

Sage (17:56):

Maybe she'll refer me to someone. I won't go back with her.

Emily (18:00):

No please don’t.

Sage (18:00):

I actually work for another family member of hers.

Emily (18:03):

Yeah, too close. 

Sage (18:04):

So I have to be very careful.

Emily (18:05):

These communities that Sage works in, they're all close.

Sage (18:08):

Oh yeah. We've got Mandeville Canyon, we've Santa Monica Canyon, we've got Brentwood. It's very rich and it seems very large because of how rich they are. But in essence, if you take the whole United States

Emily (18:21):

Tiny.

Sage (18:21):

It's a very tiny minority, small group.

Emily (18:24):

But even  in Los Angeles it’s a tiny little drop in the entire city of LA, like LA County. 

Sage:

100%.  But we're all connected.

Emily:

Very close knit. 

Sage:

And I've been doing this for 23 years. I'm not going to officially burn some bad bridges.

Emily (18:36):

I respect that. But I will say that the one thing I do like about blocking, normally I'm against it, but I do think it sends a message, if anything to yourself of, like, I don't put up with this shit. You are not allowed to send me some passive aggressive sticker. You are not able to get to me. I am over you and I am now moving on and I am getting over it.

Sage (18:57):

Okay, speaking of moving on.

Emily (18:58):

Yes.

Sage (18:59):

So after I spent my holiday of Christmas Day to New Year's Day with this fucking shit show of a job, how to sleep there, take care of the pets, blah, blah, blah. Okay, then the fires occur and I'm like pent up. 

Emily (19:13):

Back in my apartment again.

Sage (19:14):

Yeah. I have been not at my apartment. We had mold. We have fire. It's evacuation the fucking water from LADWP was contaminated.

Emily (19:25):

You were evacuated for what? Seven days? Eight days longer?

Sage (19:29):

It was about 9.

Emily:

9.

Sage:

9.

Emily:

9. 

Sage:

Yeah. You know what? And I was like, fuck it. I rekindled with a high school sweetheart. 

Emily:

A rando came back. 

Sage:

Yes. 

Emily:

This was German spy level rando.

Sage:

This is like an openness, not a block. This is like… 

Emily:

This is the one that you want to hear from. 

Sage:

This is like evacuation sex.

Emily (19:51):

Nice.

Sage (19:51):

It was so fucking hot.

Emily (19:53):

I mean, if you're going to be evacuated, what else are you going to do?

Sage (19:55):

Exactly. Remember all the dudes that were reaching out to on fucking Tinder and whatever? 

Emily:

Oh yes. 

Sage:

That were desperate?

Emily (20:01):

The Hinge was blowing up.

Sage (20:02):

Okay. Those are like randos that you don't know.

Emily (20:06):

Those are randos.  Yeah.

Sage (20:06):

Instead, I went to Trojan Horse, who I know from high school. 

Emily:

Yes. 

Sage:

Who resides in Oregon now.

Emily (20:13):

Who's a Greek man with a sword?

Sage (20:16):

Yeah. Trojan horse

Emily (20:17):

Hiding in a belly of a horse?

Sage (20:18):

Spent 11 days of crazy, passionate, hot fucking sex

Emily (20:24):

Nice

Sage (20:24):

Positions I've never done. And I'm 43 years old. I was like, that exists. Holy shit. You just taught me something. 

Emily:

Was your body able to handle it? Did you have back pain afterwards? 

Sage:

Vagina pain. Listen, vagina. 

Emily:

Yeah. No. Once you are, did you take the goop with you? 

Sage:

I didn't. I didn't need it. I didn't get a disease. No, we're good. 

Emily:

Okay. Okay. 

Sage:

But after being pounded so hard for so many days and then,

Emily:

It's exhausting. 

Sage:

Well, not only that, the vagina walls just close up. They're so sore. They need a break. Yes. So then when he tries to fuck me next morning, next evening, whatever. And I'm like, I'm so sore. I feel like I'm a virgin again because all these walls are closed. It hurts.

Emily (21:03):

Wow.

Sage (21:05):

And I was in this position where my shoulder blades were on the floor, but the rest of my body was up. I was doing a headstand.

Emily (21:16):

Like a hip bridge?  That's like an exercise.  My personal trainer has me do them all the time.  Where your hips go up?

Sage (21:19):

I was like a gymnast. 

Emily:

Yeah.

Sage:

My toes were totally facing the ceiling.

Emily (21:25):

Wait, so your legs were up too?

Sage (21:27):

Yeah, I was in a…

Emily:

That's like Cirque du Soleil. Did you use a hula hoop? 

Sage:

Oh my God. 

Emily:

You should.  Next time.  

Sage:

We talked about a swing even. There's so many things.

Emily (21:37):

You're getting Dorian Gray down there, girl.

Sage (21:38):

Anyways, listen. I was doing a headstand, but not by my hands, but by my shoulder blades. And then my toes are pointing to the ceiling and he's fucking me. And I can see his balls and I can see his asshole and then I can see my leg cheese just falling to the wayside by gravity. And I was like, I really need to work out his dick looks so good.

Emily (22:02):

Hi. Who got you a Pilates membership for your birthday that you never used? 

Sage:

That I never used, I know.

Emily:

Maybe now's the time because that will also help you get more flexible.

Sage (22:08):

That's true. And he was like, I know you were a cheerleader before, like fucking you can do it. You're a little gymnast.

Emily (22:14):

Yeah but like 30 years ago.

Sage:

I know and everything about me is falling apart.

Emily:

Um, hi Trojan horse. We're in our midlife now. Expectations need to be lowered a little bit.

Sage (22:22):

Yeah. But I was so well taken care of. Fed tea, baths, 11 days of nothing, because I couldn't get to my jobs. 

Emily:

Exactly. 

Sage:

Due to the fires.

Emily (22:31):

Unemployed, evacuated. You made the most of it. I'm so proud.

Sage (22:35):

I did evacuation sex. Who can see they've ever done that?

Emily (22:39):

So, family out there. If you ever survive a natural disaster, this is what you should do. Just flee and go have some evacuation sex because it sounds a lot more fun than what I did, which is I just sat on my couch bored is all shit. Responding to all these Hinge boys and having to do that eye rolling bullshit. Sage is off there in her wild Cirque du Soleil moment.

Sage (22:58):

Girl. I've been a refugee since August.

Emily (23:01):

Well yeah, you deserved it.  You needed it.

Sage (23:03):

I mean, I'm at my breaking point. 

Emily:

You needed it. 

Sage:

I'm like, I need something.

Emily (23:05):

The vage was ready for some pounding.  For sure.

Sage (23:07):

This girl needed her pounding.

Emily (23:10):

Yeah. I'm glad you got it.

Sage (23:11):

And now that I've had it, I need a break for a couple months. Let me heal. I need some time, but well worth it. 

Emily:

Intentional dick drought. Here you come. 

Sage:

Exactly. But shout out to Emily. She took care of one of my pups. I couldn't bring them both. Only one, the other I left behind for 11 days. I feel like a shitty mom.

Emily (23:32):

She was so sad. But we kept her entertained.

Sage (23:34):

And that's what friends are for.

Emily (23:37):

Yeah. And that's my evacuation sex is cuddling with dogs and ignoring Hinge boys like woo. Party over here.

Sage (23:44):

Well know what later to be said in further episodes, the weekend I was gone, you did set up some little Hinge Tinder dates.

Emily (23:53):

I did.

Sage (23:54):

That we'll talk about further.

Emily (23:55):

I am not good when I'm bored. I've always been that way. Even as a kid. I hate being bored. And Sage left me for 11 days, which I respect. Your evacuation sex sounds hot. But I was really bored and so I got up and got into some stuff that was not so, that was fun and is yet to come. And then some not so fun. I don't know. We'll see. See where it leads me.

Sage (24:21):

There's more to share.

Emily (24:21):

There is more to share. 

Sage:

There's good stuff.

Emily:

As always. And so with that, everybody, we would like to just thank you for tuning in as always. And today we learned that actually getting under somebody else helps you get over all kinds of things.

Sage (24:38):

Yes.

Emily (24:38):

Stupid men. Wildfire mania.

Sage (24:41):

Randos.

Emily (24:42):

These terrible bosses. Just go have some sex and you'll feel better. But not to the point where your vage needs a little break.

Sage (24:49):

I need to shove ice cubes up that bitch right now.

Emily (24:52):

Oh yeah. Yeah. Wasn't that Big K’s advice?

Sage (24:54):

He said he put it in her ass or on our nipples. I was like on our nipples?

Emily (24:59):

The nipples!  That’s right, that’s right. He's so weird. No, don't do that. 

Sage:

That's awful. 

Emily:

So anyway, thank you all for tuning in. As always, please subscribe and share with all of your friends and we cannot wait to see you next week. Remember we drop on Tuesdays.

Sage (25:16):

Cheers. 

Emily:

Cheers.