Ding Dong the Dick Drought is Dead

While Sage is off in Oregon having 11 days of evacuation sex, Emily gets up to no good chatting with men from online dating apps.  After lowering her standards, seeing through the red flags, and ignoring endless dick pics from a certain young man, Emily ends up going on one of the most fun dates of her life, and finally breaks her months-long dick drought.

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Transcript

Sage (00:16):

Hey. Hello. Watch Me Do It, crew. What's up? I feel like we're getting back into our groove now that we approach the end of January. The fires have mostly subsided and I'm back in my Santa Monica place with my kids and dogs, and I finally took down my Christmas decorations, which is a huge task to do all by my fucking self.

Emily (00:41):

Yeah, but that's respectable. It's not February yet. And you took them down.

Sage (00:46):

Yeah, you're right.

Emily (00:46):

So, you weren't one of those people that it's like March 1st and you still have your Christmas decorations up.

Sage (00:51):

But I have a real tree and a real wreath. So Pine Needle Central dragged everywhere. Yeah, it will take me months. 

Emily (00:59):

And you had a big tree too.

Sage (01:00):

I always do.

Emily (01:00):

Okay, so Sage is five two. And this tree was what, seven feet tall?

Sage (01:03):

Yes. And then my daughter had one in her room. 

Emily:

And you dragged it out all by yourself?

Sage:

Yes, exactly.

Emily (01:07):

You are so nuts.

Sage (01:08):

Where the fuck were you to help me? 

Emily:

I don't know.

Sage:

Exactly.

Emily (01:11):

You didn't call.

Sage (01:13):

I should have.

Emily (01:14):

She's just like, I got this tree. I don't need your help.

Sage (01:16):

I'm like manhandling the fucking bitch by myself.

Emily (01:21):

Getting poked with pine needles. God.

Sage (01:22):

Anyways, so yeah, things are kind of slowly getting back into 2025. It's our new year. We've had some hiccups, but we are feeling good.

Emily (01:32):

We are back.  Back on track.

Sage (01:32):

Yes. We're on our way. Yes. I've got something to tell you guys. Emily has some thrilling news. 

Emily:

Yes. 

Sage:

And it's been a long time coming.

Emily (01:45):

Yes. 

Sage:

Take it away, babe. 

Emily:

Emily's dick drought has finally been broken. The crowd goes wild. 

Sage:

She got dick!

Emily:

Confetti is dropping from the ceiling right now. 

Sage:

Yes. 

Emily:

It's been so long, especially because we're not exactly sure how long this drought lasted. So it's not my longest. My longest was 13 months in Boston, which we can never ever, ever, ever, ever do that again.

Sage (02:09):

That's awful.

Emily (02:10):

It was terrible.

Sage (02:11):

Would never do that.

Emily (02:11):

It was so bad. So this was not that long because the last time I had a hookup was the micro penis in the storage closet.

Sage (02:19):

Which doesn't count because there’s no penetration. 

Emily:

I know.

Sage:

But there was oral sex for sure. 

Emily (02:28):

This is why this is a gray area drought.  Because I still got wet and I got some.

Sage (02:30):

Yeah, but you had oral sex. You didn't have penetration.

Emily:

Right.

Sage:

Because it's micro.

Emily (02:34):

Yeah, but the time before that was that bartender. Remember the coward who can't fuck?

Sage (02:39):

Oh yeah.

Emily (02:39):

Because he came in two minutes or not even, it was like two seconds and then he was gone.

Sage (02:43):

Yes.

Emily (02:44):

So I feel like that doesn't count. It's just not in there long enough. 

Sage (02:48):

Did he come in you?

Emily (02:50):

He pulled out and then came on my stomach.

Sage (02:52):

That's hot.  Not on your butt?  So it was missionary.

Emily (02:57):

Uhhh, well yeah, it was on the side of the bed with the legs off.

Sage (03:00):

Okay it counts.

Emily (03:00):

He was kind of standing.

Sage (03:01):

Even though it was only seconds. 

Emily:

You think that counts? 

Sage:

He came on your stomach and he put his dick inside your body. So it does count. I know it was short-lived and I'm so sorry about that.  You had a bad experience.

Emily (03:12):

Maybe, maybe that was my dick drought, which would then have been what, six months?  Five?

Sage (03:16):

No, because then you met the other guy at The Galley in Santa Monica.

Emily (03:20):

That was before the bartender. But yeah, we haven't told this story of Little Nick.

Sage (03:26):

Little Nick, little dick.  How was that?

Emily (03:28):

Little Nick, little dick. Okay, so does it count if you don't remember having sex?  Because I'm not sure.

Sage (03:35):

I have one of those stories too

Emily (03:37):

I know you do. 

Sage:

Tell yours first. 

Emily:

You love this story. 

Sage:

I do. 

Emily:

Of little Nick. So one of our other girlfriends and I were at the pool all day. This is when I was super fun employed in Los Angeles in the summertime. It was amazing. And so we did that Resort Pass where you get to go to bougie pools and pretend like you're staying at the hotel.

Sage (03:55):

Which is very common here in LA.

Emily (03:57):

Yeah, no, it's super fun. You guys have to look it up.

Sage (03:59):

So instead of getting a hotel room for $1,500 a night, you get a pool pass that costs… 

Emily:

Like 20 bucks. 

Sage:

Yeah.

Emily (04:06):

Yeah.  So she and I had been drinking all day by the pool. Definitely had pool hair, chlorine, dirty, whatever. I just put resort wear over a bikini and we went to The Galley of all places.

Sage (04:18):

Well, it's a shit hole anyways, it's a dive bar.

Emily (04:21):

But why would we go there after being at a bougie pool? I don't know.  Was it you?  Did you drag us there? Because we met you there.

Sage (04:28):

Our former friend, former is in love. 

Emily:

Obsessed with it. 

Sage:

Yeah. Anything dive bar, our former friend is like, we've got to go. It's the best thing. 

Emily:

Well, this is a cool dive bar. 

Sage:

It was her, It was her that took you.

Emily (04:39):

Okay. But you met us there.

Sage (04:40):

Correct.

Emily (04:41):

Yeah. And we were already three sheets to the wind easily. And then I started drinking martinis at the galley. So it was like game over. And so this guy is sitting down at the bar, so we didn't know how short he was because he was sitting down.  And he looked so much like our friend's ex-boyfriend.

Sage:

Yes.

Emily:

Like so much. She even pulled up a picture and we were looking…

Sage (05:02):

But just younger, but younger.

Emily (05:03):

Was he younger? Yeah, I guess he was younger. Well, if I was going after him, he was definitely younger.

Sage:

Of course.

Emily:

But he wasn't that young. He was like a doctor with a million practices all over. Super rich. Anyway, you were so impressed because I don't even remember this. The only thing I remember is because you tell me the story of how I slid over there and picked him up.

Sage (05:21):

I was more sober than you. Is that possible?

Emily (05:23):

Yes, yes. This is when we were first getting to know each other before Sage came out of her figurative and also literative bottle.

Sage (05:34):

Right?  I recall the three of us were just having a quick dinner, some drinks together, and then our former friend and I went outside the galley to smoke a cigarette. You came out as well.

Emily (05:47):

I did?  Hm.

Sage (05:48):

And I think it was kind of like either May Gray or June gloom, so it was a little bit misty. You know how we always had that gray and you are yelling out to the street of Main Street off of the storefront of Galley, “Where's Andrew?”

Emily:

Oh God. 

Sage:

Which is the guy you've blocked, the guy that stands you up for three years, basically.

Emily:

Yes, three times in three years. 

Sage:

And I'm like looking at our former friend. I'm like, who the fuck is she talking? Who's Andrew? And then former friend and I were like, we're going to go home. And so you had been back inside to the bar to pick up a Little Nick Dick and I was like trying to gather my friends. We got to go. And you're like, no, I'm good. I'm staying. I'm in on this one. And I was like, watch her go, watch her do it. She just owned that fucking shit.

Emily (06:40):

Oh yeah. Did I ever own that shit.

Sage (06:42):

Yes. I was like, okay, first taste of Emily, which she's about. I'm liking it.

Emily (06:47):

So he was actually a really, really nice gentleman. When we got ready to leave, he bought me my drinks and he called me an Uber and he put me in the Uber and he sent the Uber home to my house. And I sent you guys the, I'm home safe. You know how girlfriends are like, oh, text me when you get home, blah, blah, blah. Especially if we're going to leave you at the bar with a strange man.

Sage (07:06):

Sure.

Emily (07:07):

And so I'm in bed and I text you, I got home safe, love you girls, blah, blah, blah. And then an Uber comes and picks me up and I'm like, what is happening here? So I get in the Uber and it takes me to his place. 

Sage:

Where does he live? 

Emily:

So he lives somewhere in Santa Monica, no recollection where, but big house. Beautiful house, his couch. So I remember the couch vividly and I remember the dog. The dog was very sweet. I remember playing with the dog. I remember just wanting to cuddle on the couch. I remember that he has a Palm Springs house, which we got invited to. So I was like, hell yeah.

Sage (07:43):

Fuck yeah.

Emily (07:44):

And I sort of remember giving him a blowjob.

Sage (07:47):

Ok.

Emily (07:47):

But I don't really remember the penis.

Sage (07:49):

So the whole thing was sloppy.

Emily (07:51):

Oh God. Yeah.

Sage (07:52):

So you don't know if it was good or big or small?

Emily (07:57):

I don't remember it at all.  And I don't remember actually having sex with him. So this is where I'm like, does that count?

Sage (08:01):

Okay. If you're going to suck dick, in my perspective,

Emily (08:05):

Yeah.

Sage (08:06):

Whether I'm sloshed out or totally coherent, I do typically remember the size.

Emily (08:12):

Yeah, but you didn't remember that other guy.

Sage (08:14):

I didn't suck his dick.

Emily (08:17):

Are you sure though?

Sage (08:18):

Yes.  I'm not sure if I had sex with him, but I'm definitely sure I did not suck his dick. 

Emily:

Really? 

Sage:

Yes.

Emily (08:25):

Is that because you're sure you would remember something like that?

Sage (08:28):

Correct. History of Sage is like if she sucks dick, she recalls.

Emily:

You'll remember. Okay. 

Sage:

Hence why it was so stupid of me to sleep with the food truck dude. I didn't go put my hand down his pants. I didn't suck his dick. And then I just got surprised missionary that it was a nub.

Emily:

Yeah, well

Sage:

A little bigger than micro. 

Emily:

It was bigger than micro. It was a penis. 

Sage:

It was three inches and I was… 

Emily:

You can't steal my nub. 

Sage:

I know that's your nub, but I'm like, I should have investigated first.  Hello? 

Emily (08:58):

Yeah. Okay, so pro tip, ladies, stick your hands down the pants first.

Sage (09:02):

Or suck it, figure it out before you do penetration and invite him in.

Emily (09:05):

But that was still my advice because you were following the pattern of like, oh, I'm going to go on three dates before I have sex with this guy. And I was the one that was like, no girl, you got to have sex early, early, early. You don't know what you're signing up for. And if you fall for him emotionally, and by that point you're like three weeks in and he's this great gentleman and then you find out that he has a tiny penis, then what do you do? Then you're stuck.

Sage (09:26):

No, I know, you talked some sense into me.

Emily (09:28):

Yeah

Sage (09:29):

Yeah. We're not going to wait around for three fucking dates.

Emily (09:31):

No, he was in out bam buh bye.

Sage (09:33):

Yeah.

Emily (09:33):

Yes. Well, and like little Nick.  Like. Little Nick. We never, that was it.  Because it was just, I wanted Little Nick for his couch and his Palm Springs house.  But everything else, because he was little too, like short, little, like very short. Probably like five three short.

Sage (09:52):

So as tall as you.

Emily (09:52):

I'm five six, almost. He was shorter than me. So when he stood up from the bar and I was like, oh shit. 

Sage:

So he's my height. 

Emily:

Yeah, you guys would look so cute together. Maybe I should find his phone number. He saved it in my phone under his name. So we could probably call him right now. 

Sage:

I don't know if I'm that desperate. 

Emily:

No, no. But anyway, you had some good investigative skills the other day about, so this was Mr. Mercedes-Benz that you couldn’t remember.

Sage (10:21):

Okay, so Mr. Mercedes-Benz typically texts me either like a video of him jacking off or FaceTimes me jacking off. I spoke of this before in the past, but he's the retarded one. That's like, what you doing? You coming over?  Like a mongoloid of some kind, I don't know. And he did come over one day.

Emily (10:46):

This is when you were living next door to me because I saw him and I was like, oh great. It was like right, you moved in next door. And then it was that same night and I was like, oh, here we go. I was like, this is going to be a long few months. I was like, now I have to listen to Sage and Mr. Mercedes-Benz.  Earplugs.

Sage (11:05):

Yes. Okay, but you didn't even need the earplugs because nothing happened. I had given him a condom. It was open. I opened it for him, like here you go. And I was trashed. And when I woke up the night of, like a couple hours later, I don't know if it was like 2:00 AM.  He's gone. And I see the condom still in its form rolled up. Not unrolled, but just in the trash.  So he never put it on. 

Emily (11:34):

Okay.

Sage (11:34):

And I’m also like, okay, If I'm passed out totally drunk and he tries to have sex with me, I'm not even coherent. I'm like, so is that rape? 

Emily (11:43):

So he's not that dumb.

Sage (11:46):

Right. And so I think after I just blacked out and he missed his opportunity, he threw out the fucking unused condom and left.

Emily (11:57):

Wouldn't your vage know? Couldn't you feel like a sore vage?

Sage (12:00):

Exactly.

Emily (12:01):

The next day.

Sage (12:01):

Yeah. Which is typically what happens if it's like a good,

Emily (12:04):

Well, it didn't happen with a Little Nick though.

Sage (12:04):

But it has to be a good size dick. 

Emily:

Yeah, exactly. 

Sage:

That's the thing. 

Emily:

Exactly. 

Sage:

Because then you're sore because just totally took advantage of your fucking vagina walls. 

Emily (12:15):

So I could have had penetration with Little Nick and we don't know.

Sage (12:16):

You wouldn’t know because it wasn't big enough.

Emily (12:17):

So we don't know if that one counts. So anyway, it was a long dick drought, but it is now so over, Watch Me Do It family. Thank you. Thank you very much. At one point I was thinking this was going to be a total pity fuck because this guy was absurd.

Sage (12:34):

This guy, before you get into it, I just want to say Emily was like, Sage, I'm so happy to have a break from my Womanizer dildos.

Emily (12:42):

Yes. I wanted the real thing.

Sage (12:42):

Yeah, I want the real dick. Even if it's small, medium, whatever.

Emily:

It doesn't matter. 

Sage:

And these Womanizer dildos are amazing, but they happen way too fast.

Emily (12:51):

They also, the Womanizer doesn't drink with you. They don't hold your hand, they don't kiss you, they don't fondle you anywhere else. It's just kind of like, yeah, it's too fast. It's like bam, bam, done. I'm off.

Sage (13:02):

Right.

Emily (13:02):

So there's some fun and excitement to a real man.

Sage (13:06):

The other day I slept over at Emily's and I picked up this random charger and I'm like, is this for your phone? She was like, no, those are for the dildos under the bed.  Put it back.

Emily (13:14):

Put it back under there. Oh my God. Oh my god. That's like my neighbor Ryan saw them. Okay. Alright, family. This is how this happened. This is ridiculous. Okay, so this is one of my Hinge randos that was blowing me up during the wildfires and then Sage leaves for her 11 days of evacuation sex. And so I'm actually engaging with these men and this is one of them. And he was so horny and so ready to go. And I was kind of like, you know what? It's time for the drought to be broken. I'm going to hang with this man. I'm going to do it. And so we're planning a date. It was, I don't know what time, it was like a Tuesday night. I'm texting with him, you're just getting back from Oregon.

Sage:

Yup.

Emily (13:58):

From your evacuation, and you had brought your Uber driver inside with you and you guys were drinking and thought it was a great idea to call me. So I have you on speaker phone. My neighbor Ryan is playing with his dog on the floor. I'm texting with new Hinge man trying to come up with a time to get a date. And then literally all at once I get freaking dick pics 1, 2, 3. I say it out loud like, oh my god, dick pics incoming. You and the Uber driver are like, Ooh. All into it. And then as I'm saying this, Ryan literally goes, oh my God. The ball goes under the bed, goes to go get the ball and sees all of my dildos.

Sage (14:43):

A lot happening within seconds.

Emily (14:44):

A lot.

Sage (14:45):

Yes.

Emily (14:45):

This was me trying to break my dick drought. It was very difficult in this moment.

Sage (14:50):

What were you more focused on? Probably the dick pics, right?

Emily (14:54):

I was just very shocked. Every time a woman gets a dick pic, it's blindsiding. You're like, whoa, okay. There's a dick in my face right now.

Sage (15:03):

That's true.

Emily (15:03):

And so I was just very shocked. I was trying to prevent Ryan from getting the ball for the dog because I knew my dildos around under there.

Sage:

Right.

Emily (15:10):

And I didn't want him to see it because that's embarrassing. But then at the same time that he sees them, I get a dick pic and I'm like, oh great. So this guy probably thinks I'm whore central. Plus you're on speaker phone and he hears you say to the Uber driver, Hey, you want to fuck? 

Sage:

We’re crazy. I don't know.

Emily:

I was like, this is my cue to exit that conversation. So I let you guys have your fun. And then I was literally, I don't even remember what happened with Ryan, but then these dick pics. So you and I did spend some time analyzing them because first of all, men, why do you send a dick pic?  Why?

Sage (15:49):

Okay, wait, before you go there, I think you asked that question because you don't typically send nudist pictures of yourself to any of these dudes.

Emily (15:59):

Every single one of these dudes are like, do you want to see my dick? Do you want to see my dick? I'm going to send you a dick pic. Or they just do, this one just did without any warning. But I don't know any women that actually want a dick pic. Do you enjoy getting a dick pic from somebody you haven't met before or you're early on dating? Did double date guy ever give you a dick pic?

Sage (16:22):

No. I only like him from Trojan Horse. Other than that, I don't want to see any. I am like, you're gross. You're weird. I didn't ask you for that.

Emily (16:30):

None of my girlfriends like them. None. And men insist on sending them. So if it doesn't really work… And you know what Sage, I am kind of suspecting that they're using AI to augment the dick pic now.

Sage (16:43):

Why? To make it look bigger?

Emily (16:45):

Yeah.  Wouldn’t you?  It's like a filter. So the girls put little Snapchat filters all over them,

Sage (16:51):

Right on their faces.

Emily (16:51):

So they look like little bunny does. And then the men use AI to make their dick look bigger.

Sage (16:59):

You know what? I'm just so not with the times. I guess you're probably fucking right, but I have not received an AI dick pic yet. Well, at least I don't think so. But what I do know is that after investigating really looking into these pictures, they're recycled dick pics. 

Emily:

No!

Sage:

And I'm so sorry to burst your bubble on that, but we're getting these dick pics or not me.

Emily (17:26):

Well, you were on speakerphone. So basically.

Sage (17:28):

Okay.

Emily (17:30):

And actually you've shared your dick pics from Mr. Mercedes-Benz with me. And I was like, why am I getting her dick pics? I don't even like them for me. Save that shit for yourself.

Sage (17:41):

What I noticed is that you're like, oh, this was sent to me at 5:00 PM and I’m like,

Emily (17:46):

No, it was like 10, 11, it was late.

Sage:

Whatever.

Emily:

Yeah.

Sage (17:50):

And there is sunlight coming from the blinds. And I'm like, so he took an earlier dick pic or he had already taken it.

Emily:

Sent it to somebody else.

Sage:

Or weeks or days before. We don't know. 

Emily:

Years.

Sage:

But if there's sunlight and you're receiving it at 10:00 PM. 

Emily:

Oh, that's bullshit. 

Sage:

What it means is every dude that wakes up in the morning, they have a boner, they're horny. And it was morning. There was sunlight coming through those blinds.

Emily (18:14):

Yeah, it did look like morning light.

Sage (18:16):

And so he was like, oh, let me get a good pick now while I'm fucking horny.

Emily (18:20):

You know, you know what? That makes a lot of sense because the picture that I sent of me before he sent me that I was at a Broadway musical.

Sage (18:28):

Girl, which is third grade teacher shit. Okay.

Emily (18:31):

I know. I sent him a third grade teacher pic. 

Sage:

Yes. 

Emily:

And it was MJ the musical. So it's a little spicy. It's Michael Jackson, but still.

Sage (18:37):

He doesn't know that.

Emily (18:38):

That’s part of why I was shocked that I get a dick pick back that I was like, whoa. But you're right. He was just looking through the photo album.

Sage (18:44):

Yes. He's like, I've got them lined up. 

Emily:

Oh my God.

Sage:

My best ones.

Emily (18:47):

That's even more of a turnoff.

Sage (18:49):

Whether they're AI or recycled. I mean

Emily (18:51):

It's just not for me, the whole thing. But the drought was just so bad and this guy was so ready to go. And so I lowered my standards. I took your advice and I had no expectations.

Sage:

Perfect.

Emily (19:05):

Whatsoever for this date, which was part of the survival, I think of this evening because he did not come over that night as he wanted to. I saved the dick pics for later to show Sage so that we could do this investigative work. And then I ended up going out with him the following night. We went to Hinanos on Venice Beach, a very cool place I had never been, and everybody, when I was like, okay, where do I go? Where do I go? Where do I take this guy? Where do I take this guy? Everybody was saying Hinanos, Hinanos, Hinanso. And he loved it. The one thing that was kind of problematic was that they only had beer or wine. And I needed something much heavier. Much heavier because when I show up, I learn that my Hinge date is a DJ. And he was high on so many fucking drugs, even though he claims he does not do hard drugs.

(20:04):

And he claimed he took an eighth of an Adderall and Sativa and I said, Sativa's like weed, right? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, well, weed is like you chill out. He goes, no, no, it's the upper weed. And I was like, even the upper weed chills out. This dude… 

Sage:

Was not chill. 

Emily:

No, he was bouncing off the walls all over the place. Didn't stop talking. He had one zinger after another. Swear to God he was like a standup comedian. I was laughing my ass off. I swear to God Sage, I had the most fun because DJ Shrooms was just hallucinating. 

Sage:

Out of his mind. 

Emily:

He was talking about bumblebees at one point, bumblebee bitch, one of his neighbors is Bumblebee Bitch. And I swear to God, she was there on the date.

Sage (20:52):

It sounds like he was on Molly and Shrooms and Adderall.

Emily (20:55):

So all of my friends were taking bets over what it was. And I did take some videos, remember I was like, this is the most ridiculous date I have to videotape it. And he was like, what are you doing? What are you doing? And he didn't stop me. I think he was too high or he was loving the attention or something.

Sage (21:12):

The attention.

Emily (21:12):

And I told him, I was like, well, I'm doing research for work. And he goes… 

Sage:

He's like your project. 

Emily:

He goes, what's your work? And I go, it's complicated.

Sage:

Yeah right? Don't ask too much.

Emily:

Surprise. But I sent the video to one of my besties back East, and she immediately goes, he's on a lot of drugs, Emily. He's on a lot of drugs. And I was like, yeah, he was. But I don't know, I had a lot of fun.

Sage (21:38):

You know what it is, is that you had zero expectation.

Emily (21:41):

I did.

Sage (21:41):

And so you got to enjoy and not be like, oh, do I have to marry him? Do I have to have babies with him?

Emily (21:48):

Exactly. Exactly.

Sage (21:49):

Is he going to work and give us a good living.

Emily:

I thought about that today. 

Sage:

You just went in and had fucking fun.

Emily (21:55):

That we, as divorced women. So we've done it all. We've checked all the boxes and now we're divorced and we're single and we're like, fuck it, who cares? My goal was I just want to go out because I had been sitting on my couch for weeks with the wildfires and everything. You had abandoned me. So I was lonely, I was bored and I just wanted to have some fun. I wanted to go out, I wanted to have some fun. I wanted to have sex. And that's all that mattered. And I'm telling you, I have not laughed that hard. 

Sage:

That's awesome. 

Emily:

That long. And I was kind of grateful for my situation because like you said, there wasn't that stress of, okay, what type of relationship does he want? Is he only casually dating or is he dating other people? Is this marriage material? Can I introduce him to my father? I'm in my forties already, I gotta have a baby soon. Blah blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. No, I was just relishing in the fact that I have that freedom to just go out with DJ Shrooms and have the best time and we're going to do it again, actually, he's getting a second date.

Sage (22:51):

Yes.

Emily (22:52):

From third grade teacher, Emily. Can you believe this?

Sage (22:55):

I love it. I love it. 

Emily (22:56):

He's full of shit too. He's talking about, and you're coming with me, he's talking about flying us to Vegas on some private plane because he opens for these DJs in Vegas that make 20 grand in a show or something.

Sage (23:07):

You and I will take a separate commercial flight. I'm not flying with this guy. He sounds fucking nuts.

Emily (23:11):

He is nuts, but in a really fun way. 

Sage:

Fun way. Yeah. 

Emily:

Really fun. 

Sage:

Which I'm down, I’m down.

Emily:

I think you would really like him, but yeah, he just needs to bring it down a little bit. But I did learn that when you're high on drugs, you can still get it up. Because you know how sometimes when the guys drink too much, they can't get hard.

Sage (23:29):

But then I also know of a guy who did shrooms and next morning to have sex. He was hard, but it was difficult for him to cum.

Emily (23:37):

Yes. That's what happened. Okay, so, family. I took him home, surprise. And we banged all night, which was great. And he did get hard. And you asked me how the sex was and honestly I think my Womanizer has ruined me a little bit.

Sage (24:01):

Told you it would happen.

Emily (24:02):

Because I didn't cum. I didn't have any orgasms at all.

Sage (24:06):

Yeah, you have to give your vagina and clit a full month break away from this Womanizer dildo.

Emily (24:12):

Yes. Yes. It's got to stand under the bed.

Sage (24:14):

To get your shit back to the tongue and what it feels like.

Emily (24:18):

And he was all full of himself. I'm going to make you cum, but I knew right then I wasn't going to cum because when the guy says that, you're like, no, you're not. You have no idea what you're doing.

Sage (24:26):

Right.

Emily (24:26):

But he was pretty skilled, I would say.

Sage (24:28):

And he tried.

Emily (24:29):

Especially for being so high.

Sage (24:30):

And he actually tried.

Emily (24:31):

Yes, he tried. Well, but then yeah, the next morning he wanted to have sex, but it just wasn't working. I was tired. It was like five in the morning and I was like at that point, go away.

Sage (24:41):

Wait, his penis still worked at 5:00 AM.

Emily (24:42):

Yeah.

Sage (24:43):

Okay. But you were done.

Emily (24:45):

I was done. But then he couldn't cum. So I don't know. There's more to research here.

Sage (24:51):

I dunno. I guess coming down from drugs could inhibit the fact of coming.

Emily (24:55):

I have no idea. I have never taken drugs in my entire life.

Sage (24:59):

Me neither.

Emily (24:59):

And who knows what Molotov cocktail this guy was on, because he claims he does not do hard drugs. But every single one of my friends was like shrooms, Molly, Adderall, this, that people were taking bets.

Sage (25:13):

Well, he's a DJ.  So this is what they do.

Emily (25:14):

I know.  It's a lifestyle.

Sage (25:16):

They wake up at 3:00 PM.  They start drugging out by, I don't know, 6:00 PM to 8:00 PM.

Emily (25:23):

Yeah, because I met him at 7:30.

Sage (25:25):

And then they're fucking ready to DJ and be out of their mind and blitz by 10. 

Emily (25:29):

Well, he's been trying to get me to go see him, which would be fun. But he goes on at 1130 at night and I'm like, bro…

Sage (25:35):

We're sleeping.

Emily (25:35):

Yeah, no, you should have hit me when I was 22. But yeah, no, no. 

Sage:

How much younger is he than you? 

Emily:

Yes, this is also another cougar situation, family.

Sage (25:47):

You keep scoring on the cougar shit.

Emily (25:48):

I really got the cougar shit. Well, so this guy, he did say, so I am 10 years older than he is. He said I am his max. He doesn't usually go this high in terms of age. He said the last date he went on was a woman my age and she looked awful. And he was giving me all of these compliments and how I looked younger than he does and he looks like shit. And I was like, yeah. I would say that's kind of true.

Sage (26:11):

Well because he does so many drugs.

Emily (26:12):

He does not look thirty four, like at all. And I probably do look a lot better than he does. But then Sage, I haven't even shared this with you yet. I am a little self-conscious about seeing him sober because what if he was on ecstasy and I looked filtered like filtered, like fairy girl, like goddess. 

Sage:

Ohhh, we didn't even talk about this. 

Emily:

With stars shooting out of my ears.

Sage (26:33):

Well, even on shrooms, you're going to look like that.

Emily (26:35):

Yeah. And now he's going to be disappointed. I don't know. 

Sage (26:41):

He's going to see you in the full reality perspective.

Emily (26:42):

Like reality.  Yes. 

Sage:

That is something to consider. 

Emily:

So maybe he should just do a little microdose before we see each other.

Sage (26:48):

Wait, but no, when he woke up in the morning next to you.

Emily (26:50):

That's true.

Sage (26:50):

But he didn't cum.

Emily (26:52):

No. And I was asleep. It was way too early. And I was just like,

Sage:

You got to go.

Emily:

Leave, leave, leave. I'm still not used to the sleepover. It doesn't happen that often. And I like my cuddle time with my dog, so I was really unhappy. I was like, please go. Please go. Please go. Please go. So yeah.

Sage (27:10):

Well you know what? It's a good fucking story. And he is, I saw a video of him actually DJing and he was pretty good.

Emily (27:18):

Yeah, you showed the video to those dudes at the restaurant the other day and they were like, he looks like a good DJ in LA. And I was like, right on.

Sage (27:26):

You know Special K said the same thing. 

Emily:

You sent it to Special K??

Sage:

Yeah, and he was like, I’d be out there dancing. And then he goes, I don't know…. 

Emily:

You didn't tell me that. 

Sage:

I know. And he was like, I don't know if Emily knows how to dance to that type of music.

Emily (27:39):

Probably not.

Sage (27:40):

Yeah, he was like, no. He was like, Sage, I see you on the dance floor. But I see Emily hanging out next to him.

Emily (27:45):

This is going to be a whole new adventure for sure.

Sage (27:48):

So now we have to start popping our booties and…

Emily:

Something. 

Sage:

Getting on the ground, 

Emily:

Something.

Sage:

Doing the warm. I don't know.

Emily (27:55):

I don't know. We shall find out. 

Sage:

Well congrats to Emily. 

Emily:

Thank you. Thank you team. And the dick drought’s not going to, as long as DJ Shrooms is in my house, the dick drought is going to be like a day long because this boy is very handsy and always very ready to go.

Sage (28:13):

I love it. That's what you needed. 

Emily:

I know. I know!

Sage:

And he's fun and he makes you laugh.

Emily (28:16):

He does.

Sage (28:17):

So it's like a combination of everything you kind of needed and were seeking.

Emily (28:21):

And he is a gentleman, he has all that stuff that you like too, where he opens the car door for me and he pays the bill and he put my jacket on. He did all that stuff.

Sage (28:28):

Oh, that's sweet.

Emily (28:29):

I know, it is. He's got some redeeming qualities in there.

Sage (28:33):

He's a goodie, but he's not marriage material. And you weren't even looking for that anyways.

Emily (28:36):

No. You just overlook the shrooms and you're good to go. 

Sage (28:40):

Okay. I love that. Alright, well I look forward to going out and meeting him and shaking my ass on that dance floor. 

Emily:

It's coming soon.

Sage:

And I'll show you how. And thank you listeners for tuning in again.

Emily (28:49):

Yeah.

Sage (28:50):

We really love you guys and your support and we look forward to next week.

Emily (28:56):

Who knows what will happen between now and then. 

Sage:

You never fucking know with us.

Emily:

With DJ Shrooms. This guy is going to keep it spicy.

Sage:

That's right. 

Emily:

We'll see you next Tuesday. 

Sage:

Cheers.