7. Trigger Talk: Navigating Communication in Love

1. What are triggers? 
   • Sensitivity to specific behaviors: 
   • In Jungian psychology, a trigger is described and understood as an unconscious and unresolved part of the psyche. 
   • Unintegrated aspects of the self, or “shadows.” These are parts of our personality that have been repressed, made wrong, judged, criticized, denied or ignored because they are considered bad, wrong, unacceptable or painful.
   • Triggers are a window into the shadow aspect,
   • Unconscious projection 

Opportunity for self-reflection:
Recognizing triggers in relationships can be a valuable opportunity for self-reflection and "shadow work" - actively examining and integrating the unconscious aspects of ourselves that are being highlighted by our reactions. 

PART 2: Healthy Communication

The fast vs slow lane in love

• Relationships can move at different speeds.
• Ultimately, it’s not the speed that determines the triggers, it’s the depth. Everyone has an emotional threshold. How deep are you willing to be seen, felt, experienced, received and loved? 
• When your experiences of intimacy cross that threshold, triggers will surface and your subconscious will begin to sabotage. 
• When triggers surface, communicate with compassion
• The unconscious people project their trigger. (It’s his/her fault/their fault)
• Happens all the time in dating, especially in the “red-flags” conversation. There’s so much energy going outwards and focusing outwards, and not the awareness that if you’re experiencing the trigger, it is within YOU.
• When something triggers you, FIRST you must acknowledge the trigger within you. its easy to get defensive or shut down. One great approach is to start by acknowledging the tension and validating the feeling  The key to navigating this moment is to communicate with compassion. 
• Timing is everything. Knowing when to communicate is just as important as how you communicate.
• It’s ok to take a step back before having a conversation. You can even ask, “when is the right time for you to talk about this?” 
• Respecting timing ensures both partners are in the right emotional space to listen and understand.
• Reframe “I don’t like” to “I feel”
• Language matters. Instead of saying “I don’t like when you do this,” try “I feel (emotion) when  this happens.” This shifts the conversation from a place of judgment to a place of vulnerability and understanding, which creates a safer space for your partner to respond.
•  When you can’t speak, write or reflect. Sometimes words fail us in the heat of the moment. 
• Trust, love and respect over fear 
• At the core of emotional triggers is often a battle between trust and fear. 
• **Address the small stuff before it becomes big stuff.
• Small issues can snowball into huge problems if left unaddressed.