Adoption Journey From Anger to Joy w/ Alchemical Constellation Work

This podcast episode and conversation has been 20+ years in the making! Today, I’m joined by my long-time friend, Elle.

Prior to hitting record, Elle expressed a few things including wanting to find her soul’s purpose, adjusting to an empty nest, and wanting to get back to her art which she loves so much.

This ancestral work client session focused on supporting Elle to authentically connect with her ancestors—including 2 especially important ones.

You’ll especially want to tune into this client session if you, too:

» are an adoptee

» are a helper and doer

» are looking to buy a new home

» have struggled to feel a sense of home

» want to experience more order in your life

This type of work comes from my lineage alchemical, family, and systems constellation work. And as you heard, it truly is alchemy.

Connect with Amy:

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If you found this podcast helpful, consider rating the podcast or leaving a review so more people—especially anyone touched by adoption—can learn the impact of Constellation Work!

Transcript

ELLE

Amy Babish:

Have you ever felt like there's something more just waiting to be unlocked in your life? Like no matter how much you've accomplished, a deeper potential is calling. Welcome to the Soulful Visionary podcast, where I guide you to align with your authentic self and create a life of purpose, love, and lasting impact. A life where you can truly soar beyond what your mind can comprehend. I'm your host, Amy Babish, a licensed psychotherapist and an expert in somatic coaching, feng shui, and wisdom traditions. With over 20 years of experience guiding thousands of clients through soul level transformation. Each week we'll dive into potent practices, live client sessions, and insightful conversations to help you dissolve intergenerational patterns and transcend your upper limits so that you can live the big life you're meant to live. Tune in and let's unlock your inner wisdom together. Welcome to the Soulful Visionary podcast.

Amy Babish:

I'm your host, Amy Babish. And today I have a long time friend and soul in the world. And we met each other in college, so this is like 20 plus years in the future. Welcome. N L. Welcome.

Elle:

Thank you. Thank you. I did welcome you. Welcome to. This is great to just, you know, restart and rekindle, like, where we.

Amy Babish:

Yes, yes. So what is alive in you today, Elle?

Elle:

You know, there's a lot of things that are. It's a complicated question. You know, I think today the weather was nice and I went outside in nature. I think I could always reset and recharge, you know, just by breathing in fresh air and looking at the trees. But I think a lot is maybe dormant because you said alive. So I'm trying to think about what the opposite of alive is without sounding so cruel and depressing. You know, it's. I think I'm just in a weird place.

Elle:

And. And. And I would say also I'm in at an age where you're juggling perhaps a career and also like aging parents. And, you know, I heard some, like, sad news this week of some passings and it's just a reality to. To live like, for today, you know, don't. Don't go back into yesterday. You can't change it, right? You can't change it and you don't know what is in the future. I have no idea.

Elle:

You know, I really don't. I'd love to say that I do, but I don't know. The Magic 8 Ball. What does it say? Who knows, right?

Amy Babish:

So this is all a juicy beginning. I'm gonna. I'm gonna take us to an even juicier. Place. Yeah, we had a little pre chat.

Elle:

I am ready for it. Go for it.

Amy Babish:

So in. In the. You are navigating a career pivot or career iteration. You were in one industry for a long time and you thought you were going to, quote, unquote, climb the corporate ladder, and now you're, like, getting clarity. That's not the case.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

Have two children who have left the nest.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

And you and your husband are navigating, purchasing a home, a condo in a major U.S. city.

Elle:

Yes.

Amy Babish:

That you cross your fingers, prayers up. It's not like multi millions of dollars. And before that, we had another iteration of what was present for you, which was kind of what is my soul's purpose? And you were naming that. You've always been a helper. And you also. You also had this successful career. You were always juggling motherhood and career, and now you're kind of in this new, fertile, yet unclear ground that you no longer want to travel for work either. And that was a part of your career.

Amy Babish:

Did I get you right on all those layers?

Elle:

You did. You know, so the funny thing is when you have all this, like, coming at you at once, and you do juggle it, like, Amy, when you take a step back and you pause, you wonder how you did it. You know? You do.

Amy Babish:

Yes.

Elle:

When you're going a thousand miles a minute and four hours of sleep for like a decade or more, you just kind of did it. But when you. When. When you kind of, like, scale back and you stop for a minute and you try to think about, what do I want or what do I need? It's the hardest freaking question to answer.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. Yeah.

Elle:

At least for me. Yeah.

Amy Babish:

And you and many listeners. I think so. So part of it is sometimes we have so many competing priorities that we're almost on automatic pilot, especially when we're lacking sleep.

Elle:

Yes.

Amy Babish:

And what I know to be true for many women, and I don't know even we've even gotten to this later yet. Are you. Are you perimenopausal?

Elle:

Oh, yes, absolutely. Except the funny thing is, like, I haven't had symptoms or cross my fingers, like, I hope I don't have a hot flash. Right. But it's been pretty good, you know? I mean, I was like, okay, did it come and go and that was it. I'm not sure, you know?

Amy Babish:

Well, I have. I have a feeling we're gonna have many side conversations in this. In this conversation today. So Elle knows that my daughter's Japanese, so I've done a lot of investigation around Perimenopause and menopause in many cultures, and I don't know if you know this, but in many Asian cultures, especially in Japanese, you happen to be Part of your lineage is Korean.

Elle:

Yes.

Amy Babish:

In Japanese culture, there's a huge report of no menopausal perimenopausal symptoms.

Elle:

Really?

Amy Babish:

Did you know this?

Elle:

No, I've never even, like, because as far as I remember, like, and I got open. My mom doesn't listen to this podcast, but it was a decade of rage, like, lots of emotions up and down. So, you know, what you said right there really surprises me, actually.

Amy Babish:

So I think that, you know, in our generation, we are more aware of what's happening within us as compared to our mothers or grandmothers. Generations, yes. Lots of things were in the mix that they didn't have the ability to notice, like, what does their soul want? Or what's going on with their sexual desires or their emotional desires. Like, it was just like, put your head down and do the autopilot that.

Elle:

We were just referencing. Right.

Amy Babish:

And what the research shows, for those of you who are tuning into this piece, is that researchers believe that it's the photo estrogens found in soy.

Elle:

Okay.

Amy Babish:

That helps to mitigate the estrogen drop in women's systems in Japan.

Elle:

You know, that's really interesting, but, you know, it's hard for me to listen to your conversation without taking away the golden nugget that you said right there, that key word, like autopilot. Maybe it's because we're so comfortable on being on autopilot and doing things and being a producer or, you know, like, does that make any sense?

Amy Babish:

Yeah. When we're go, go. I would call that the doer who lives in US Doer and the doer, God bless them, they get a lot of shit done.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

And they've gotten us through it through thick and thin. They've gotten us degrees. They've gotten us, like, all kinds of things.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

And they let our kids be, you know, safe and healthy to whatever extent that might be, but then it all kind of comes crashing to a halt at a certain point.

Elle:

Yep.

Amy Babish:

And.

Elle:

Absolutely.

Amy Babish:

Like, when we're referencing your mom.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

You know, sometimes in perimenopause, it looks like rage.

Elle:

Right, Right. No, absolutely.

Amy Babish:

Sometimes it looks like what you're navigating, which is like, our souls kind of become no bullshit in parenthood. Right?

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

And it's like the stuff that we used to let slide, like, autopilot or whatever. The soul is just like, absolutely not. This. This is A no go. And so what I sense with your soul. Another thing you named in our. In our pre. Pre chat was that you've always struggled to find, like, that sense of home.

Amy Babish:

And.

Elle:

It'S just, you know, a sense of home and maybe, like, overall home, and maybe restlessness is, like, a good word to use and rooted. Because, you know, I. I am. I'm partnered with somebody who. Who thrives on. Well, you know, I'm an adrenaline junkie, and he's an adrenaline. So I can't say, you know, it all falls on him, but I. I think there's something calm in the restlessness of it all.

Elle:

You know what I mean? And the doing and the go, go, go. But as you said, you know, when you stop, it all comes crashing down. And then what. How do you pick up the pieces? Like, where do you go from there? I don't know. You know?

Amy Babish:

Yeah. Yeah. So would you like some support with that?

Elle:

Yes, absolutely, I would, because I don't want. Well, let's just go on a mini roller coaster. Let's say we don't have to go on the super mega.

Amy Babish:

Like, so. So if you tune in to what you named as kind of like you're searching for the. The condo, then you're searching for purpose.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

And now I'm hearing I want to have more rootedness and more the opposite of restlessness in your system.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

Whatever that word is.

Elle:

Right. I think. I mean, I guess balance is a tricky word, because, first of all, I don't believe in it. You know what I mean? There's Times like it's B.S. i'm sorry. And I mean, anybody who says they need, like, a work life balance or a life balance, like, it just doesn't exist, sometimes your personal life, like, calls for more attention, and sometimes work life calls for more attention or whatever it is, and you have to, I guess, be wise enough to listen to that, like, whisper or scream or whatever it is. Right. Tantrum.

Elle:

Who knows? Right? But I. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm totally, like, blinked right now.

Amy Babish:

But that's part of perimenopause. We. We have it, then. It's gone.

Elle:

It was going somewhere, I swear. Yes, it's gone.

Amy Babish:

We're gonna. We're gonna. We're gonna catch that thread, and we're gonna just. We're gonna. If you close your eyes and we're just gonna. We're gonna both tune in.

Elle:

Okay.

Amy Babish:

When we tune into the field.

Elle:

Mm.

Amy Babish:

This is how we're gonna. You're Going to get some sense. It might be an image, it might be a sensation. It might be a word or a phrase. So we're going to both tune in together and just notice what's coming through.

Elle:

Rhythm.

Amy Babish:

Okay.

Elle:

I would like to have rhythm. You know, I think, you know, you asked how I connect or how maybe what brings me or what I heard what. What brings you joy. And for me, that's like, nature or. I think it's especially hard for somebody like me who perhaps, like, suffers from seasonal effectiveness disorder. Actually, not perhaps. I do. You know what I mean? So from the time, like, October to April, those six months, I feel like, you know, I'm asleep.

Elle:

You know, I'm just not as productive as I normally would. You know, maybe a loss of joy. As soon as spring comes around, I am in, like, manic mode. I am in, you know, GSD will get done. Go, go, go, go, go. You know what I mean? But right now, I am just, okay, wake up, wash your face, brush your teeth, get going. And what are the things that you're. Are you going to accomplish today, you know, so you can get moving and feel good about yourself? I don't know.

Amy Babish:

Yeah, so we're gonna. We're gonna. Just. For those who are listening, we're gonna just follow. Follow the threads inside of yourself as we follow those threads inside of. Inside of l. Because everything is connected.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

Things connected.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

When. When you mention music, you're also. You have a. You have a past foundation also as a musician. Yes, yes, we're gonna hold that. That as a metaphor, but also as part of your lived experience.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

So when we sit with this kind of dichotomy that you're carrying that we might call in the Western world, like, seasonal affective disorder.

Elle:

Yes.

Amy Babish:

And like. Like not having a lot of energy, being disconnected from joy. And then.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

The doer and the gse.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

Go, go, go. And the joy, it's like they're. They're on a pendulum.

Elle:

Right, right, Pendulum.

Amy Babish:

So as we hold those two ends of the pendulum, you're kind of in the middle of it.

Elle:

Yes, absolutely.

Amy Babish:

And what I. When I was tuning in to having this podcast with you today, we've. We've also been on a journey of rescheduling. So it's like this has been. This has been a long time coming, which tells me how important it is. And I would say that we probably started tuning into this podcast possibility. Probably October, November.

Elle:

Yeah, that's absolutely correct. Yeah.

Amy Babish:

And so we were at the beginning of your, like, the early Phase of the seasonal affective disorder.

Elle:

Yeah.

Amy Babish:

I'm always tracking, even for podcast guests, like, what is in your midst? What is healed? What is the arc of what we're going to work on? And I get. I'm getting the chills as I say this. It really feels like today what we're going to do is some ancestral work.

Elle:

Okay, that would be great. Yeah. And ready to do a deep dive with you.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. So. So when we work with the ancestors, we know that just like you have many gifts from your ancestors, we also carry the things that were not resolved or the things that were omitted that maybe weren't spoken about or maybe were, like, right in our face. And so we're just going to notice that we've already kind of mentioned your mom, and then, you know, not even getting into grandma, but, like, there's something present.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

Also about motherhood, which also doesn't start with us.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

So there's something already in the field wanting to come forward that is ancestral. And when we do this work, the intention allows us to kind of give the guardrails or the barriers, and we're just going to hold. Hold the intention really gently. So if. If we have the inquiry that whatever you're carrying in the seasonal effective disorder didn't start with you.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

That one or both sides of your lineages might carry this, and it probably didn't start with your parents. And we start to just notice that this probably goes back a certain ways. The work you do today will also be of benefit not only to your. Whatever lineage we're going to work with, but also to your. Your current self, your soul, and to your. Your children.

Elle:

So it's funny that you talk about lineage, because I was driving in the car coming back from Missouri, and it was just a really random conversation that I had with a high school friend, and somehow the topic of adoption came up. And, you know, I really struggled with that because it was more or less a secret between my parents, and I, you know, was something that they obviously knew because they did the adoption. Right. And me as the adoptee, I knew. But in the Asian culture, it's not something very welcomed, I guess is maybe like, the right word, you know, so in the 70s, which is when I was born, there was a lot of international adoptions, and Korea happened to be, I think, the front runner of that, you know, for international adoptions, because you could do that much easier than you could do domestic adoptions, you know, So I think, Amy, that carries with me, too. You know what I mean? Like, I Don't know my lineage in that way. You know what I mean? So it's all a mystery. Yeah.

Amy Babish:

Thank you so much for. For sharing that. And when we do the lineage work, we always start with the biological parents. And I have other adoptees that I work with. So you don't ever have to, like, go into 23andMe or Ancestry.com. it lives in you, even if you don't have the intellectual or cognitive stories. And for those of you listening, if you had. If had a sperm donor or anything like that, that is also part of this.

Amy Babish:

So we always work with the kind of the closest in. When we work with ancestors, there's a time and a place to work with your adoptive parents, but working with. Working with kind of where you come from.

Elle:

You know, it's so funny because when I was a teenager, I'd always, like, going back to Perrymotom, I'd have these vivid, like, images of, like, what my birth mother maybe looked like or maybe, like, how she sounded like. I imagine that she was a teenager, and I think I probably got my creativity from her, you know, like, even though, you know, now that I think about it and I talk to you about it, like, maybe that's, like, the reason why I push it so far down, you know what I mean? And, like, I'm a closeted artist, you know?

Amy Babish:

Yes, you are.

Elle:

Never know. I never want anybody to know that I'm an artist. I don't know why, you know, but in my closest circle, those are the people that, like, I bond with, you know?

Amy Babish:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how does it feel just to gently start to presence all of this?

Elle:

It's tough, you know, I think it's hard because I feel like I'm gonna start crying probably, but I feel like I want to be an artist, and I struggle so much because it's painful, you know, like, to be an artist, I think is effing painful, you know, to go there emotionally, you know?

Amy Babish:

Yeah.

Elle:

But it's healing, but it's very, very hard. And that's why I think I will get there 50 or 60. I just won't go all the way for some reason. I don't know. I don't know why I can hear.

Amy Babish:

Even as we start to go into the ancestral field, the intention is starting to evolve. And so before we go deeper, let's just tune into what does the intention feel like in this moment.

Elle:

Can you. Can you clarify that question a little bit more so I can, like, answer that appropriately or so in my.

Amy Babish:

In my lineage that I come from for this work?

Elle:

Yes.

Amy Babish:

We always want to have boundaries, so that way we can have safety and understanding around where. Where. Where we are and where we're headed. And so the intention is the boundary.

Elle:

Okay.

Amy Babish:

So the more specificity we can bring to the intention.

Elle:

Right.

Amy Babish:

The clearer it is for us and for the ancestors to come in to support you. So in terms of what. What have we been. We. We've gone from music and joy and seasonal affective disorder now to adoption and creativity and the pain around fully becoming an artist.

Elle:

Well, I think that's one of the maybe gifts or ways that I communicated with people in. In sales. Self expression. You know, I really relate to people who. Who are authentic and who are honest. And sometimes it's not pretty, you know, like. Yeah, versions of me are not pretty.

Amy Babish:

You know, You're a whole person.

Elle:

Yeah. You know, and. But I really appreciate and admire and have ultimately a lot of respect for people who are very raw and real, you know, just authenticity. It's very hard for me to connect with people who are not authentic.

Amy Babish:

Okay, so it's important that these are your words, but I'm gonna try and gather some of your. What I'm hearing from you. Presence and intention.

Elle:

Okay.

Amy Babish:

If it's not quite it, you're gonna let me know, and it will feel either like a yes or like. Or maybe. Hell no.

Elle:

Got it. Got it.

Amy Babish:

It feels like you're willing to authentically connect with your ancestors.

Elle:

Mm.

Amy Babish:

For you to be able to have a deeper connection with joy in a way that's, like, authentic to you, that is not just in the pendulum of what you get after seasonal affective disorder.

Elle:

Yeah. You know, it's. It's tough. You know, I thought that going into this, and maybe this is a way that my brain just functions on a neuro spicy level. You know, it is just sometimes I feel very laser focused, and other times it's just barbed wire. And I think I'm just trying to grab onto answers, Amy, you know what I mean? To make sense of things, you know what I mean? In my personal life, my professional life. And order. Maybe that's it.

Elle:

You know what I mean? Order.

Amy Babish:

Yeah, this is. That's. Yeah, I can feel that's on the money. So it's important that we get to the intention before we go deeper. So does it feel resonant for me to reflect to you that the intention for this work today is for you to authentically connect with your ancestors so that you can experience order in yourself and in your life?

Elle:

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah.

Amy Babish:

Okay. Okay, so what we're going to do is we're both going to close our eyes and we're going to tune into the field. And so holding that intention, we're going to tune in and we're going to present your biological mom on your left side. And just starting to notice her. You may or may not be able to see her, but you're inviting to have gentle contact with her. And then we're also going to present your biological father. He's going to go behind your right shoulder. And just with the three of you standing there, we're going to breathe into the field.

Amy Babish:

And let me know what you notice once you. You start to make contact with them.

Elle:

Okay. This is the weirdest thing ever. I have never done an exercise like this before, before, but I have a vivid picture inside of my head who these people look like. So on my left side, my mom, my biological mom. Like, I'm looking at her right now, and she's at a canvas, and she's drawing a watercolor, and I can't see her face. I can only see the backside of her.

Amy Babish:

Okay.

Elle:

Drawing this, like, beautiful watercolor, and it has this dream. And then the right side. My. My dad's building something. He's like an engineer or like something like that. And I mean, he's constructing something. Like, he's an artist in his own way, but it's more. I don't know what the word is, but he's a builder, you know, and it's a funny thing because I've never think.

Elle:

Thought about them, like, occupationally. Yeah.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. So this. This. This kind of work is very nuanced, and it can be. You know, you're very visually oriented. Not everybody gets visuals. I'm not a visual person or rarely a visual person. So this is.

Amy Babish:

This is perfect just for you.

Elle:

It's very, very vivid. And I am a very visual person.

Amy Babish:

Yes.

Elle:

This is weird. Like, I mean, it's. I can actually, like, see them. I don't see their faces. I don't see, like, how old they are, but I can see somebody on my right who's, like, building something. You know, like an architect or something. He's building something. And then the left side, somebody's.

Elle:

Somebody's creating something. Like, you know, I can see the strokes of her. Her paintbrush.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. Yeah. So we're gonna ask inside of you, as they're behind you, we're gonna ask them, did my sense of not feeling order possibly related to block with creativity and joy, do either one of you carry that?

Elle:

Say that again, I'm sorry.

Amy Babish:

That's okay. That's okay. And it might be what I'm. What. I'm also curious sometimes with the ancestors, they ask us to speak in our. In our native language. So I don't know. Do you speak Korean?

Elle:

I don't speak it fluently, but if somebody's talking, it's the funniest thing. I can translate it back into English, but I can't speak like myself. Self.

Amy Babish:

Okay. So if you just hold that intention that you can convey this to them in Korean, that feels. That feels quite important. And they might respond back in Korean. So you're going to ask the. What I'm carrying is not feeling order and feeling disconnected from my own creativity and joy. Do either one of you carry that or both of you carry that?

Elle:

I'm not sure if I'm getting, like, a direct answer from them.

Amy Babish:

That's okay.

Elle:

But the answer is some kind of connection. When I'm closing my eyes and I'm trying to visualize it. I don't know what the word is in Korean. I have no idea. But they're just like. They said, like, be a stream or brea Brook or something like that. You know, when ripples, like, form inside of a water. You know what I mean? And to kind of allow myself to.

Elle:

Because I'm very rigid, you know, Even though I'm. Even though. And I don't know if I'm supposed to be closing my eyes still or opening them.

Amy Babish:

It's. It's good to have your eyes closed because then you're still kind of connecting with them.

Elle:

So I. I'm. I'm gonna continue to close my eyes, but I feel like. I think being rigid for me, creates a sense of order, or, like us, it's a safety net. But it isn't really truly who I am, you know, Like, I am so barefoot contest. I had this book that came out, right, an autobiography. Like, it came out in October. And even though she's so scientific and methodical in her recipes, she says she's a hot mess when she cooks there is, like, all over the place, you know? And I'm like, oh, my God, that is me.

Elle:

That is so me. When I create, I need a lot of space. I need to make a lot of mess. And then I put all the pieces, like, back together. And I mean, like, to create, like, a sense of order.

Amy Babish:

Okay.

Elle:

Or to process everything, I guess. Yeah. I mean, like, it's almost like in order to go forward, I need to make a mess and create a mess. And then put all the pieces back, not even in the same order, I guess. You know what I mean?

Amy Babish:

This is, this is very helpful. So you're gonna, you're gonna ask them, is that how you work too? Is that how you create too?

Elle:

So. And I don't know if this is like me imagining or visualizing it, but I could see like my mom because she's painting, and I have this too, and I just have a small selection of it, but she has this whole, like, shelf of like, watercolors, you know what I mean? A wide assortment of. Of colors. And I mean. And for my father, like, on his side, there's. There's like, I guess like lumped order, you know what I mean? There's like contained, like chaos, but it isn't. Everything is very, like, intentional and very. And set.

Elle:

But within that intention in that box area, there can be like, chaos. There can be like. If it makes any sense, it's like contain creativity almost.

Amy Babish:

Yeah, yeah. So what is it like for you to witness this in them?

Elle:

It's very strange. I almost feel like I'm walking down a street, you know what I mean? Like a couple sewing streets. I don't even think, like, exist in Korea, but I have a very, like. If I close my eyes right now and I purse them, my purse, my eyelids, it's. It's very strong. I've never felt like anything before. Like, honestly, like, I've. I've never seen any.

Elle:

Like, my father is wearing like suspenders or something like that, like the car heart, like, you know, overalls or something like that. And he's building and, you know, he's just so focused and like hyper focused on what he's doing. And my mom is just like, you know, there's a rhythm almost as if like somebody's. You know, when you're like fly fishing or whatever, there's a rhythm to that and that's how her paint strokes are going. It's. It's very. It's very strange. It's so.

Elle:

It's so weird. You know, I just. I don't think I would get this sensation if I talk to you. And I opened my eyes, but with my eyes closed. It's completely different. It's very vivid.

Amy Babish:

So you're going to imagine turning yourself around in that space with them. And we're gonna. We're gonna try on a statement. And when we do ancestral work, anything I do, it's always about what's resonant. It's not about my words or my truth. It's about what's true for you. So we're going to look for a statement for you to say to them that feels true. Okay.

Elle:

Okay.

Amy Babish:

Did you know? Did you. Did you know you wanted this connection?

Elle:

So am I supposed to ask them that?

Amy Babish:

Oh, no, I'm asking. I'm asking you first.

Elle:

Sorry, Me? Oh, that's okay. No, because I think the. The only feeling that I've had against my biological mother is, like, anger, you know, because of the issue of, like, abandonment. Like, I. I just felt like. I guess I never felt peace with it, but now I feel such a sense of calmness.

Amy Babish:

Okay, we're gonna try this one on.

Elle:

Yeah, it's just. It's very weird.

Amy Babish:

So you're going to find the right words, but this is kind of the base of the statement to say because of the. The way things unfolded. I only saw you with rage. I was only connected to you through my rage. Does that feel true?

Elle:

Yes.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. So you can start with that. You just say you turn around. You turn around your guided imagery, and you say that to her, and you're going to let her wait to respond. We take it one layer at a time. So.

Elle:

Having said that to her. So my understanding is. And I don't know if I'm blurring reality with this imagery right here, because I understood that I was left at a police station, okay. In Korea, and with no paperwork or anything else. And I think she just was very scared. You know what I mean? And I think if I were scared like that, like, the way she is, I would probably do the same thing. Like, I think that disposed of is how I felt.

Amy Babish:

Yeah.

Elle:

Or, like, thrown away. And I think. I think when I have. Whenever I feel, like, a sense of rejection, and it all comes back to that now.

Amy Babish:

And what do you notice now when she shows you what she shows you?

Elle:

I feel a sense of release and, like, beauty. I think, like, it was a lot of pressure for her. It was a hard decision, but I think it was a necessity. You know, it's something that she had to do. Now.

Amy Babish:

Are you ready to give another statement to her?

Elle:

Yep.

Amy Babish:

And you can say it however you want. In English in Korean hybrid. Mom, I see you as a whole person now, and I see how scared you were. I see that you did this out of love. And I also see that your creativity lives in me.

Elle:

So I think, like, for her to feel a sense of. I don't know what the right word is, but her gift to me, or for her to come to peace with things and for me to Keep come to peace with things is to release those feelings through art, you know?

Amy Babish:

Yeah.

Elle:

So, yeah. And I'm not just saying, like, art. So, you know, I'm a home cook. I love to cook. And a lot of people say, like, oh, my gosh, like, all my girlfriends are like, why do you like to do it? It's so freaking stressful, you know, to get food on the table or whatever else. And it's like, me. It's like, maybe it's the doer in me or something like that that I'm like, okay to go grocery shopping. It's an exploration.

Elle:

You know what I mean? You have all these ingredients, like, what are you gonna make? You know what I mean? And what are you gonna create? And to have somebody eat something that you created, it's. I think it's a real joy, you know?

Amy Babish:

Yeah.

Elle:

I love it.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. So if it feels true, you can say to your mom and to your dad, thank you for giving me life. I take my life back from you and I allow myself to have creativity, joy, and wholeness and order in my life.

Elle:

That's a hard one for me because I also struggle with. Oh, my gosh, the tears are coming.

Amy Babish:

Yeah, Take your time. We have to find the right statement. Yeah, we have to find the right statement. So the tears are coming, so something's happening.

Elle:

I just feel like sometimes it's not worth it to, like, live, you know? I mean, it's the stupidest thing, you know, because there's so many joyful aspects to. Of my life, but.

Amy Babish:

So we're not. We're not there yet. L. So can you. Can you look at your. Look at your parents and. And they're witnessing you. What happens after they see you? Cr.

Elle:

My head is in between them, you know, so I can feel the snap of the overall on top of my head almost digging into my head. The crown of my head.

Amy Babish:

Okay.

Elle:

And then for my. My mom, it's just. Her hair is pretty long. It's probably about like the. It comes the middle of her back and just like, a strand of hair is like, you know, it's touching my face, you know, but my head is smashed in between them, you know?

Amy Babish:

Can you let yourself receive that embrace? Just take it in, breathe it in. You can give them all the confusion about life, all the confusion about order, all the confusion about shutting down and joy around doing. Around doing balance. That's bullshit. Around purpose, around art and creativity and flow like the stream around chaos that becomes order through creativity and cooking and art and deep emotion.

Elle:

So what I'm feeling right now is. And I had this somewhat profound thought, like, earlier, I just, maybe when I was driving or something like that, you know, Amy, is that, you know, a lot of people have a very strong calling, whether it's like, you know, to be an athlete or a physician or whatever else. And because I think I have these strong issues of abandonment, I think for me, like, I. I need to accept people and show people, like, how to love fully. It's the silliest thing. You know what I mean? But.

Amy Babish:

So can you look at them and say, I receive the love you've given me and it lives in me. I'm now taking my rightful place as your daughter. The love and sacrifice you made to give me up for adoption, I can see it clearly now.

Elle:

I just have to say, when you said, bring water in a Kleenex, I was like, heck, no, I'm not gonna use the Kleenexes. And I have my hands stuffed on and it's like tears are streaming down. And I was like, okay, I wasn't ready for this. But sure, yeah.

Amy Babish:

And what happens when you share that with them?

Elle:

I feel a cleansing. You know, I feel like. And it's very weird, like the last couple of days, maybe in anticipation of this, like, podcast or me feeling the way that I have, I just feel like a real tightness in my chest and not a full on, like, panic attack, but just like a tightness in my chest. And today I don't feel that, you know, I don't feel that pressure at all.

Amy Babish:

So you're going to look at them and take in all the love taken. If they're crying, take in their tears taken. Their joy of having this contact with you. And they're gonna. You're gonna turn around and they can be like right behind you, like, touching you, or they can be a little bit back. Whatever feels right to you. And I want you to be able to turn around so you're not all the way turn around, but, like, look over your shoulder to know that they're there or feel them on you and feel that they're always going to be with you. From Forevermore El.

Amy Babish:

That this connection is not just about today's podcast, that you get to carry this with you for the rest of your life and beyond.

Elle:

So I feel like my dad took his left hand and, like, cupped my shoulder, you know?

Amy Babish:

Yeah.

Elle:

And my mom is just, like, stroking me, you know, they've got you.

Amy Babish:

They've got you. And you can say to them, I'm ready to live fully into the life you gave to me.

Elle:

This is such a weird out of body experience, I have to tell you.

Amy Babish:

Okay, like, yep.

Elle:

What is happening here?

Amy Babish:

These are wild times on the soulful Visionary podcast.

Elle:

Yes. I mean it is like whack, but.

Amy Babish:

In a good way. Yeah, yeah.

Elle:

It's really like, there's no other way to describe it. I feel like, you know, I feel like I am in Korea right now. I am in this little house. I can't see what the house looks like, but it has a lot of sunlight from like the rice paper, like windows, you know, or the doors. And it's the wooden floors, like the old fashioned like floors in the countryside. And it's almost like I'm going back in time. Like 30 years, you know, 30.

Amy Babish:

We're bringing the past into the present and the present into the past to find. Find the flow of life and the order. So as they're behind you, embracing you, stroking your hair, I want you to invite them to allow you to metaphorically open the door and to look out into an expansive space that this is the, this is the life that you're welcoming. A life filled with creativity, with connection, with showing people love, with finding the new home with your, with your husband, with making more art, whatever, whatever unfolds that you're ready for it. Inviting in the future that you'd like to co create knowing that your parents have your back and that they'll always be connected to you and that you safely belong.

Elle:

I feel like we're walking now and going to the market to go get some food or something like that. From the open market. Yeah, it's so strange. And my dad has like this water pale like so. I remember going to Korea as a kid and my, you know, my adopted mother took me to her mother's place and there was not like a natural like water source. So you'd have to go to the stream or this brook to go and get the water, you know, and you put, you, you'd fill it up and you put it on top of your. Your head, you know, and carry it back to the house. But in this situation, I feel like he just has like water for some reason.

Elle:

He's carrying water on the left side, you know, it's all walking, you know, we're walking down that cobblestone path or whatever.

Amy Babish:

Is there anything else you want to say to them before we close up?

Elle:

I want to say that I love them and I understand, you know, that I never understood before, like why they made that choice, you know, and I never saw Them before as a unit, too. Like, I always saw her as a teenager. You know, I never saw them together, but today I saw them as a pair. You know, it's like, I don't know if they're married or not married, but, you know, definitely, like, as partners.

Amy Babish:

Yeah, yeah.

Elle:

Each doing their own thing.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. So you can. You can thank them and you can let them know that whatever your willingness is, I'm willing to continue to connect with you. I want to continue to connect with you. And any gratitude you have.

Elle:

I would say that I'm very grateful that they gave me life.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. Yeah. And we always take it just a little step further and say, I take the life that you gave me, and I'm ready to make something of it in my own terms.

Elle:

I think that's a very powerful statement because, I mean, what that says is, you know, I take the life that you gave me. Like, you have ownership of your own life, you know, able to change things and feel powerful instead of powerless.

Amy Babish:

Yes, yes, yes. So we're going to begin to close the ancestral space, and so you can say goodbye to them for now. And I'm thanking them, too, from my end. I'm humbled to be of service for you and your lineage and for them and for this process. And when you feel complete, you can take some water and begin to come back into the here and now. You might blink your eyes. You might notice the air on your skin.

Elle:

Wow. I didn't expect experience that well. Yeah. At all.

Amy Babish:

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Elle:

Wow. That was very strong.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. Yeah.

Elle:

That was very, very strong.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. So for this kind of work, you don't have to do anything, which is kind of different for the doer, and you just, you know, drink a lot of water. The first 48 hours can be potent. You just drink water, you might. Your dream life might change. You might kind of notice things in a different way. You might feel differently. And this comes from my lineage of doing alchemical, family and systems, constellation work, and it really is alchemy.

Amy Babish:

And so your thinking mind might try to make sense of it in one way, but your body and your soul, your spirit are going to be digesting it, and your ancestors are going to be helping you to digest it in both mundane and profound ways.

Elle:

It was very profound. It was like. I don't know if you, like, use expletives on this podcast you can use. Was profound.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. Yeah.

Elle:

That was the craziest ever. Like, really?

Amy Babish:

Yeah.

Elle:

It really wasn't. I'm not even, like, stretching the truth at all. This is the first time I've ever, like, in that capacity, had any idea of who she was as a person or the way that I imagined her, or even him. He's never entered my life ever. Ever. Yeah.

Amy Babish:

Yeah. He was very, very happy to be recognized, I can tell you that. I felt that. Yeah, It's. It's hard to explain what I do. I do many different things.

Elle:

It was the real shit. Like, it was like. I was like, I don't know if this is real or not, but it was real.

Amy Babish:

It was real.

Elle:

It was real.

Amy Babish:

Yeah, it was real. And, you know, anytime I do something with ancestors, it's like, I'm doing it for you just as much as I'm doing it for your ancestors. So they're asking me for help, too. So I. When I tuned in today, I knew that we were going to do ancestral work. I didn't know how it was going to happen. But thank you for trusting me, because we don't have that kind of relationship, this kind of work. So thank you to you and your ancestors for trusting me, because not all ancestors are willing to do this.

Amy Babish:

So I'm deeply, deeply grateful and deeply grateful to be of service to you and them, and I'm very excited to see what unfolds for you.

Elle:

This is the weirdest, most amazing ever. Like, really, like. Yeah, I. I feel a lot of joy, you know, I. I think this exercise brought me a lot of joy, you know, when I have been in a very heavy space.

Amy Babish:

Yeah, no, so you can always just kind of presence them. You don't have to go into a deep meditative state. Like, you can just present them, like, when you cook, when you're driving, when you're out in nature, when you're, like, ask them to help you look for the condo. Like, they've got you. They're never not going to be with you ever again.

Elle:

That's pretty damn amazing.

Amy Babish:

It's. It's the privilege of lifetimes to be able to support you.

Elle:

Thank you.

Amy Babish:

Yes.

Elle:

That was really amazing.

Amy Babish:

Now I'm tearing up because for so long. We graduated from college in 2000, so it's 2025 when we're taking. So 25 years. This is 25 years in the making, or even 96. I can't do the math. This is 29 years in the making. We met each other in freshman year.

Elle:

Yeah.

Amy Babish:

And you had long hair.

Elle:

Yeah.

Amy Babish:

I'll never forget it. I mean, you're unforgettable. Yeah. You're unforgettable.

Elle:

So.

Amy Babish:

I think that's all for the podcast today, and some of you might be getting a tissue or handkerchief when you're with me. If this resonated, please leave me a review. If you would like to hear different more content about adoption, about constellation work, about joy, about balance, about perimenopause, leave me a note in the comments. It is such a privilege to be able to share this work and I hope it serves you no matter what your story is, no matter what your sense of belonging or order or creativity is. Thank you, thank you, thank you. That's all for this episode of the Soulful Visionary Podcast. If you found value in today's episode and are ready to delve deeper into aligning your inner world and environment, please subscribe to this podcast on your favorite podcast platform. Your subscription helps us to reach more soulful visionaries like yourself, and if you've been inspired by what you heard, I'd be incredibly grateful if you could leave a review.

Amy Babish:

Your feedback not only helps others discover this podcast, but also guides me in creating content that truly resonates with you. I'll catch you in the next episode as we continue to unlock the love, purpose and fulfillment you deeply crave.