Let me simply open with this. I am sorry. Truly sorry. If you read the papers today, you know that I was arrested back in November for driving drunk, and being in possession of a controlled substance. That is all true. I pled guilty, and am going through with probation, and all that entails.
But I had a conversation this morning with my brother, who told me above all else, be honest about what happened, about where you are in life, why you acted in the way that you did, and then do something about it.
He’s right. I owe you that. So this is how it happened: Back in November, I was struggling mightily. My business was failing. I kept a brave face, told everyone things were going ok, and all was going to be well. In reality, my world was crumbling around me. I was unable to pay my bills, which created problems not only for me, but my family and friends. I was disappointing people who mattered most to me. But I wasn’t willing to admit it. I was too arrogant to realize that I was in a downward spiral. It all came to a head one bad night in November.
So desperate to escape my problems for even a few hours, I gave in to some old, dark impulses that resulted in one of the dumbest things I have ever done. I got behind the wheel after drinking. I was arrested, and spent the better part of three days in jail, alone, with nothing but a cot and my thoughts. Sitting there with no idea what time it is, how long you have been there, when you might get out, and what awaits you when you do is a demoralizing, humiliating, and humbling experience. Every thought imaginable races through your mind. “What’s going to happen to me?” “What is my family going to say?” “Is anyone going to find out?” and most importantly “What is MY PROBLEM?” The confusion, anger, doubt, and fear is a toxic but sobering brew.
I always assumed this would become public. Nobody wants their failings aired publicly, and I am now paying a very public price for that failure. One of the downsides of having any sort of public presence is that people will find out what you have done wrong. I tried to hide this, for fear it would damage my career, cost me the respect of my family, cost me friendships and cause all of you to lose faith in me. Instead of reaching out for help, I tried to pretend everything was ok.
In reality, I was still struggling. I knew I had to make some serious changes. But even a month ago, I was still rationalizing things saying, “If I had just taken an Uber…” But that wouldn’t have solved anything. That would have just postponed the issue to another day. I had to come to grips with reality. I am taking steps now to deal with it.
And this is just the beginning. The work now is to make sure I never put anyone in harm’s way again. To make sure I get on the right track, and make amends for my huge mistake. Rebuilding trust won’t be easy, and it’s something that frankly scares the hell out of me.
I had a couple of conversations in the last 24 hours that put it into perspective. I talked to a friend who lost a sister to a drunk driver several years ago in a similar situation. I don’t know what that feels like...but I do know I have lost his respect. To him and everyone else who has lost someone this way, I can not apologize enough. I am lucky my situation didn’t end very differently. I realize that, and I am sorry.
I think the hardest thing so far is having to talk to my son. Knowing that the young man who looks to me for guidance and strength now sees me in a diminished light hurts deeply. I never want to have to do that