Self Control VS Control

We spend so much of our lives trying to control things God never gave us authority over—people, outcomes, and timing.

And when it doesn’t work, we become anxious, frustrated, and exhausted.

In this episode of The Prodigal Daughter, we unpack a powerful truth: the only control God gives you… is self-control.

Through biblical teaching, real-life examples, and the life of Jesus Christ, this conversation explores what it means to surrender control, grow in spiritual discipline, and walk in the fruit of the Spirit.

If you’re struggling with anxiety, control, emotional reactions, or trusting God’s plan, this message will challenge your perspective and help you grow in faith, obedience, and inner peace.

This is a call to stop striving… and start surrendering.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

It's the Prodigal Daughter Podcast, Guiding Hearts Back Home with Nicole Fulyune. Welcome back to the Prodigal Daughter Podcast. If this is your first time here, you're not here by accident. This space is for real conversations, not surface level Christianity, not motivational quotes dressed up as truth. This is where we actually ask, what does it cost to follow Christ? What does it mean to surrender? And what is God actually asking of us beyond what's comfortable? Today's topic, it's one that most people don't want to hear because it takes away something we hold on to very tightly. Control. Let me say something that might immediately challenge you. God never promised you control over your life. I'm gonna say it again. God never promised you control over your life. Not your circumstances, not other people, not outcomes, and not timing. The only control God actually gives you is self-control. And the reason many believers live frustrated, because they're asking God for control, he never intended to give them. We pray things like, Lord, please fix this situation, Lord change that person, Lord make this work out the way I want. But underneath all of those prayers is something much deeper. We want control. Control feels safe. Control makes us feel like we're secure, like we can prevent pain, like we can manage outcomes. But the truth is control is often just fear in disguise. And when you follow Christ, he will confront your need for control. Not to punish you, but to free you. Because as long as you're trying to control everything, you will never fully trust God. And as long as you don't trust him, you will never experience real peace. So today we're going to walk through it very slowly. We're going to look at scripture, we're going to look at real life examples, we're going to look at people in the Bible who had to learn this the hard way. And I want you to listen with honesty, not defensiveness. Ask yourself, where am I still trying to control what belongs to God? Let's begin with something simple. It's uncomfortable, but simple. You're not in control. Relax, take a deep breath, you're not in control. I know immediately your mind pushes back because you feel like you are. You make decisions, you plan your day, you choose what to say, what to do, and where to go. So it feels like control. But feeling in control and actually being in control are two very, very different things. Let's take a look at scripture. I always use the New King James Version of translations. Turn with me to Proverbs 19, verse 21. Many are the plans in a man's heart, nevertheless, the Lord's counsel that will stand. So you need to let that sit for a moment. We can have many plans, detailed plans, carefully thought out plans, and emotionally invested plans. But at the end of the day, it's God's counsel that stands, not yours. And that's not something we like, because it means even your best planning doesn't guarantee your outcome. James 4, verse 13 to 15 says, Come now, you who say, today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city. Whereas you don't know what will happen tomorrow. You don't know what will happen tomorrow. Pause for a second. Think about how much of your life is built around assumptions about tomorrow, about the future. Tomorrow I'll fix it. Next week I'll start eating healthy. Next week some things will change. Oh, Monday I'll go to the gym. Next year I'll be in a better place. But scripture says you don't even know tomorrow. And yet we live like we're in control of timelines. Let me bring this into real life. You can plan a relationship and still get hurt. You can plan a career and still lose the opportunity. You can plan a future and still face something you never expected. You can do everything right, according to the book, and things can still go wrong. Why? Because control was never yours to begin with. Think about relationships. How many times have you tried to fix someone, change someone, or hold on to someone? You adjust yourself, you say the right things, you try harder, you become more patient, all in an attempt to control the outcome. But what happens? They still leave, they still hurt you, they still don't change. And then you become angry because you were trying to control something that was never yours to control. And if you're really honest, that's where frustration with God often starts. Not because he failed you, but because he didn't give you control. We don't always say it out loud. But inside we think, God, why didn't you stop this? Why didn't you fix this? Why didn't you make this work? But what we're really asking is, why didn't you give me control? And here's a very hard truth, a very bitter pull you need to swallow, and I had to swallow it as well. Control is an illusion. It feels real until life reminds you it's not. Ecclesiastes 3 verse 1 says, To everything there is a season. You don't control seasons, you don't control timing, and you don't control when things begin or when they end. Let me say this very clearly. Trying to control your life will exhaust you. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Because you're carrying a weight you were never meant to carry. You're trying to sit in a position that belongs to God. Look at the world around you. People are so anxious, so overwhelmed, and people are constantly striving. Why? Because they're trying to control outcomes. They want to control success, their image, relationships, their future. And the more they try, the more anxious they become. Matthew 6 verse 27 says, which of you by worrying can add one qubit to his stature? Worry is just another form of control. It's the mind trying to solve what it cannot control. And Jesus makes it very clear it changes nothing. So here's the foundation we need to accept before we go any further with this episode. You are not in control of your life. But that's not bad news. It's actually the beginning of freedom. Because if you're not in control, then you're not responsible for holding everything together. And once you realize that, you make room for something else, something God actually did give you. If the first part of this podcast episode unsettled you a little bit, good. Because before we can understand self-control, we have to let go of the illusion that we were ever meant to control everything else. Now here's where everything shifts, because God didn't leave you powerless. He just didn't give you the kind of power that you expected. He didn't give you control over people, he didn't give you control over outcomes, and he didn't give you control over circumstances. But he gave you something far more powerful. Self-control. Galatians 5 verse 22 to 23 says, But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. So let's slow it down here because self-control isn't a personality trait. It's not something you either have or you don't. It's evidence of the Holy Spirit at work in your life, which means something important. If self-control is absent in your life, it's not just a discipline issue, it's a spiritual issue. We often pray for things like God, please change my situation, God remove the struggle, God fix this person. But how often do we pray, God teach me self-control? Because self-control doesn't feel as satisfying. It is it's not satisfying to work on yourself the whole time. It doesn't give immediate results, you know, the dopamine hit. It doesn't change your environment, it changes you. And change hurts. Change is uncomfortable, and that's where most people resist. 2 Timothy 1 verse 7 says, For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind. A sound mind. That means you don't have to react to everything you feel, you don't have to follow every thought or entertain it, and you don't have to act on every emotion. You have the ability through the Spirit of God to govern yourself. Let's make this practical. Self-control shows up in small moments, not the big dramatic ones, the small ones. Someone says something that hurts you, immediately something rises up in you. The greatest comeback of your life. Anger, defensiveness takes over and the need to immediately respond. Now, in that moment, you have two options. You can either react or you can exercise self-control. And this is where the shift happens. You cannot control what they said, but you can control what you do next. Say that again slowly to yourself. You can control what you do next. Because this is one truth that can change your entire life. Let's take something very real and very triggering, social media. Someone comments something negative. Immediately you feel misunderstood, you feel attacked, and you want to defend yourself. And without self-control, you react, you reply emotionally, you escalate, you carry that frustration into your day. But with self-control, you pause and you ask, is this worth losing my peace? Is this worth my response? Is this aligned with who God is calling me to be? And sometimes self-control looks like silence. Another example is temptation. Temptation is one of the clearest areas where self-control is tested because temptation always feels urgent. It says, do it now, you deserve it. No one will know. Especially that cookie at 12 o'clock at night. But self-control interrupts that moment, it creates space between desire and decision. 1 Corinthians 10 13 says, God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with it temptation will also make the way of escape. Did you get that? There's always a way out, but you have to choose it. And the way out is self-control. And this is where we need to be honest. A lot of times we say, I couldn't help it. But that's not always true. More often than not, we didn't want to help it. Because self-control requires restraint, it requires discipline and surrender, and those things don't feel good in the moment. Self-control is choosing what is right over what is easy. Let's bring this into everyday life with your emotions. You feel angry, but you don't explode. You want to say something, but you decide to hold back. When it comes to decisions, when you feel pressure, you choose to wait. When it comes to habits, you want comfort, but you choose discipline. Put the cookie down. This is where real spiritual maturity shows. Not in how loud your faith is, but in how controlled your life is under pressure. Proverbs 25 28 says, Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down without walls. Imagine that a city without walls. Open, vonderable, unprotected. It's a life without self-control. Anything can enter anger, temptation, fear, impulsiveness, but self-control builds boundaries. Let me say something that might challenge you again. Self-control isn't weakness. Understand it very clearly. It's strength. The world will tell you. Speak your mind, live your truth, do what feels right, express yourself. But Scripture says control your spirit, because not everything you feel should be expressed. James 1 verse 19 to 20 says, be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath. Slow. That is self-control. You don't rush to respond, you don't rush to react, you don't rush to speak. You pause. Self-control creates space for wisdom. Without it, you live reactively. So ask yourself, where are areas in your life that you lack self-control? Is it your emotions? Is it your reactions? Is it your habits? Your thoughts? And you don't you mustn't skip this. We don't like to answer those questions, but you have to. Because growth starts with honesty. So here's what we need to understand before we move forward. God didn't give you control over your life, but he gave you control over yourself. And if you can learn to master that, everything changes. Your peace changes, your relationships change, your decisions change, your walk with God deepens. Because instead of trying to control everything around you, you become someone who is anchored within. If there was ever someone who had the right to take control, to override circumstances, to change outcomes instantly, it was Jesus. Not just because of who he was, but because of what he carried. He carried authority, power, divinity. And yet when you study his life closely, you'll notice something that doesn't make sense to the natural mind. Jesus didn't use his power to control everything around him. He used his power to control himself. Matthew 26, verse 53 says, Do you think that I cannot now pray to my Father and He will provide me with more than twelve legions of angels? Twelve legions of angels. Let it sink in. Jesus is saying, I have access to overwhelming power. At any moment, I can just say the word. He could have stopped the arrest, he could have destroyed his enemies, and he could have escaped suffering completely. He wasn't powerless, he was restrained. And this is where we need to shift our understanding. Because many people think if I had more power, I would handle things differently. But Jesus had all the power and still chose restraint. The truth is self-control is not about lack of ability, it's about choosing not to use your power in the wrong way. Think about moments where you could have said something, you could have exposed someone, you could have defended yourself aggressively. But the question is, should you? Jesus constantly lived in that tension. Not can I, but is this what the Father wants? John 5 verse 19 says, the Son can do nothing of himself but what he sees the Father do. Jesus had the ability to act independently, but he chose alignment over control. This means he didn't react based on emotion, he didn't act based on pressure, he didn't move just because he could. Luke 22, verse 42 says, Father, if it is your will, take this cup away from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done. This is one of the most human moments of Jesus. Because here we see the tension. Jesus didn't want the suffering. Don't fool yourself. Jesus didn't hop, skip, and jump towards the cross. He begged his father. Let's not pretend otherwise. He felt it, the weight, the fear, the anticipation of pain. And in that moment he expressed it honestly. If there's another way, take this away. That matters because self-control doesn't mean you don't feel. It means your feelings don't lead you. Jesus felt everything, but he was not controlled by what he felt. Now imagine this moment. You know what's coming pain, rejection, humiliation. And you have the power to stop it immediately, but you don't. Most of us would. Most of us would stop it. Let's be honest. We pray for escape, we avoid discomfort, we resist suffering. But Jesus chose surrender. He chose surrender over control. Let's move forward. Jesus is arrested. He's falsely accused, mocked, beaten, misunderstood, the whole the whole nine yards. Isaiah 53, verse 7 says, He was oppressed and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth. Pause. He didn't open his mouth. Do you understand how powerful that is? Because silence is one of the hardest forms of self-control. Let's bring it to you, to your life. You've been misunderstood before, you've been falsely judged, you've had moments where you wanted to say that's not true. Let me explain. You don't understand, let me defend myself. Now imagine having the authority of truth itself and choosing silence. That is immense self-control. Not every accusation that comes your way requires a response. Jesus didn't defend himself, not because he couldn't, but because he understood something much deeper. God would be his defender. Romans 12 19 says, Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord. Self-control often looks like not taking matters into your own hands. Now we come to the cross, and this is where everything comes together. Jesus is nailed to the cross, mocked, insulted, rejected. Luke 23, verse 34 says, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do. Let's just sit there at the foot of the cross for a moment. Because that response does not make sense naturally. In that moment, in that pain, Jesus asked them to be forgiven. Instead of anger, he responds with forgiveness. Instead of retaliation, he responds with mercy. It's not weakness, it's the highest level of self-control. Self-control is not just about what you don't do, it's about what you choose instead. Jesus could have called down judgment, ended the suffering, proven everyone wrong instantly, but he stayed. He endured. He restrained himself. Why? Because he understood purpose. Hebrews 12 says, Who, for the joy that was set before him, endured the cross, endured that self-control. Let's bring this home. Because it's easy to admire Jesus. But the question is, are you willing to follow him in this? When you are hurt, misunderstood, pressured, or tempted, do you choose control or do you choose self-control? Control says I will fix this, I will handle it, I will show them. Self-control says I will trust God and govern myself. Jesus didn't come just to save you. He came to show you how to live. And the life that he modeled was not one of controlling everything, it was one of perfect self-control. Thank you for taking the time to listen today, really. Not just to hear this, but to sit with it. If this message challenged you or spoke something in your heart, please share it with someone. You never know who needs to hear this. You can follow the Prodigal Daughter on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and BuzzSprout and connect with me on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, Threads, and X. Stay rooted, stay surrendered. Until next time.