Control, Our Bondage

We love to say, “God is in control.”

But do we actually live like we believe it?

Sometimes we surrender something to God in prayer — only to pick it straight back up and start controlling the outcome, the timing, the people involved, and exactly how we think God should answer.

And somewhere along the way, control becomes our bondage.

In this episode of The Prodigal Daughter Podcast, Nicole Viljoen explores the uncomfortable truth behind our need for control. We talk about the difference between self-control and controlling, how fear often hides beneath our need to manage everything, and why true surrender requires more than simply saying, “God, I trust You.”

Through Scripture and honest conversation, we unpack what happens when our need for certainty becomes stronger than our willingness to trust God.

What are you trying to fix?

What are you trying to force?

What outcome are you desperately trying to manage?

And what if God is simply asking you to open your hands and let go?

Jesus prayed:

“Nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” — Luke 22:42 NKJV

Maybe freedom isn't found in finally getting everything under control.

Maybe freedom begins when you finally surrender it.

🎧 Press play and ask yourself:

What am I still trying to control that God has already asked me to surrender?

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:02

It's the Prodigal Daughter Podcast, Guiding Hearts Back Home with Nicole Fulyune. Welcome back to the Prodigal Daughter Podcast, Guiding Hearts Back Home. I'm Nicole, and today I want to talk about something that if we are willing to be truthful with ourselves, probably touches almost every single one of us. Control. Not leadership, not responsibility, not wisdom, not planning, control. That deep need inside us to know what is going to happen, to make sure things happen the way we think they should, and to manage people, circumstances, outcomes, and sometimes even God. And here's the uncomfortable question I want to put on the table today. What if the thing you believe is keeping you safe is actually the thing keeping you in bondage? Because control feels like power. But very often control is actually fear wearing armor. We tell ourselves, I'm just being responsible, I just like things done properly. Someone has to think ahead, and I know what happens when I don't take charge. Sometimes those statements are completely valid, but sometimes underneath them is something much, much deeper. And eventually, we don't only want to control our circumstances, we want to control our children, our spouses, our friendships, our churches, our ministries, our futures, and people's opinions of us. And if we're not careful, we even try to control how God answers our prayers. So today we're going there because you cannot fully surrender to God while desperately trying to maintain control over everything He's asking you to place in His hands. And perhaps today God is not asking you to fight harder, perhaps He's asking you to open your hands. Let's talk about it. I think when we hear the word controlling, we immediately picture a very obvious controlling person. Someone that's bossy, dominating, someone telling everyone what to do, and because we don't necessarily behave like that, we think that's not me. But control can be incredibly subtle. Control can look like overthinking, replaying conversations, trying to predict every possible outcome, constantly checking whether someone is okay with you, needing reassurance, struggling when plans suddenly change, getting irritated when someone doesn't do something the way you would have done it, having difficulty delegating, taking responsibility for everybody else's emotions, or trying to prevent your children from ever experiencing disappointment, trying to fix people, trying to rescue people, trying to make everyone happy. And here's the big one praying about something while simultaneously trying to manipulate the outcome. Ouch, I know it hurts. Because sometimes we say, Lord, I give this to you. And then five minutes later we're sending the message, making the phone call, having the conversation, checking again, trying another angle, and God is almost saying, I thought you gave it to me. And we say, I did, Lord, I'm just helping out. We laugh about it. But this is what we do. Control rarely begins with arrogance. Very often it begins with fear, and it comes out of a wound. Fear of being hurt, fear of being rejected, fear of losing someone, fear of failure, fear of financial instability, fear of insecurity or uncertainty, fear that if you don't manage everything, everything will fall apart. And sometimes control develops because somewhere along the way, chaos taught you that if I don't take care of things, nobody will. So you learn to anticipate, to organize, to watch, to prepare, to manage. And perhaps that ability served you well for a season. But something that helped you survive one season can become a prison in the other. Because eventually your peace becomes dependent on everything around you, behaving according to expectation. And that is exhausting. Turn with me to Proverbs 5. I always use the New King James Version of my Bible. I'm going to read verse 5 to 6. It says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, and all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths. Notice what Scripture does not say. It doesn't say understanding everything and then trust God. It says trust first. That's difficult for controlling people because control says, show me the plan and then I'll relax. Faith says, I don't know the plan, but I know the one leading me. Those are completely different ways of living. Here's the problem with control. It works just enough to convince us that it works. That's the thing. You plan something carefully and it succeeds up until a point. So your brain says, see, planning kept us safe. But planning isn't the problem. Scripture repeatedly teaches wisdom, preparation, and stewardship. The problem begins when planning becomes the source of your peace. Because then when something unexpected happens, peace disappears. And suddenly you realize, my peace wasn't resting in God, my peace was resting in predictability. Jesus also addresses this very beautifully in Matthew 6, verse 27, where he says, Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? And later in verse 34, he says, Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Jesus isn't teaching irresponsibility. He's teaching us that there are boundaries around human control. There are things that you can influence and there are things that you can prepare for and there are things that you can steward. Then there are things that belong entirely to God. And wisdom is knowing the difference. The distinction is incredibly important because surrender doesn't mean becoming passive. You're not going to be an ahab. You still work, you still parent, you still budget, you still make decisions, you still set boundaries, you still prepare, you can do all of those things, you still show up. But responsibility says I will faithfully do what God has placed in my hands. Control sounds like I must determine what happens next. Responsibility says I will raise my child according to God's word. Control says my child must become exactly who I believe they should become. Another example is responsibility says I will communicate honestly in my marriage. Control says I need my spouse to respond exactly how I want. Responsibility says I will work diligently. Control says my business cannot fail because I cannot cope with what failure would mean. Responsibility has open hands. Control has clenched fists. So I want you to see that in the spirit. And there's a huge spiritual difference between the two. If we go all the way back to Genesis, we see something very fascinating. God gave Adam and Eve enormous freedom. More freedom than you and I will ever experience here, in my opinion. But there was one boundary. Genesis 2 verse 16 and 17 says, And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden you may eat freely, but of the tree of knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat. Then the serpent comes. And what is the temptation? Genesis 3 5 says, For God knows that in the day you eat of it, your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God. Think about that. You will be like God at the center of sin. In this temptation to step into a position that belongs to God. I will decide, I will determine, I will know, I will define, I will control. Human beings have been struggling with surrender ever since. We want God as savior, we want God as provider, we want God as protector. But Lord, Lord means he has authority. Lord means he decides. Lord means sometimes he says no. Lord means sometimes his root looks nothing like ours, and that confronts control head on. This is where control becomes especially destructive because people are not projects. This is what happens when you start wanting to control people. Your spouse is not your project. Your children are not your project. Your friends are not your project. The people you minister to are not your project. You can influence someone, you can teach them, you can love them, you can correct them when appropriate, set boundaries and pray for them. But you cannot do their surrendering for them. You cannot force spiritual maturity. You cannot control someone's heart. Only God can transform hearts. And sometimes we exhaust ourselves trying to perform work that belongs to the Holy Spirit. Maybe you're praying for someone you love. You've spoken, you've advised, you've warned, you've cried, you've tried everything. Then there comes a point where God says, give them to me. Not because you don't care, but because he is God and you are not. Parents, it's a difficult one I'm going to speak about now. Because when you love your children, you want to protect them. And rightly so. But eventually protection can become control if fear becomes the driving force. You want to prevent every mistake, every heartbreak, every disappointment, every consequence. But your child also needs to learn dependence on God. You cannot become their Holy Spirit. You cannot make every decision for them forever, and you cannot remove every difficult road. Sometimes God develops character in your children through things that you desperately want to prevent. Think about the prodigal son in Luke 15. The father allowed his son to leave. Imagine that. He knew the son was making a terrible decision and yet the father didn't chain him to the house. Why? Because forced proximity is not relationship. Eventually the son came to himself in Luke 15, 17. But when he came to himself, sometimes someone has to reach the end of themselves before they recognize their need for home. And parents, sometimes the hardest form of faith is saying, God, I've taught them, I've loved them, and I will continue praying for them. But ultimately they belong to you. Another one that's difficult to hear is control in relationships. Control can also disguise itself as love. I'm only asking because I care. I just need to know where you are. Why haven't you replied? Are you angry with me? Are we okay? Sometimes those are normal questions, but when your emotional stability depends on another person's constant reassurance, something deeper may be happening to you. You begin monitoring moods, tone, messages, facial expressions. You become hyper-aware because you're trying to control relational safety. But love cannot breathe where control dominates. 1 Corinthians 13 verse 5 says, Love does not seek its own. It's not provoked and thinks no evil. Healthy love leaves room for another person to be a person. And yes, biblical relationships have accountability, but accountability and control are not synonyms. Let's turn our focus to the church. And it's a difficult one because control can become very spiritual looking. We can use phrases like God told me to pressure someone. Be very careful. If God genuinely told you something, you don't need to manipulate someone into obeying you. There's a difference between spiritual leadership and spiritual control. 1 Peter 5 verse 2 says, Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, serving as overseers, not by compulsion, but willingly, nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. Biblical leadership doesn't need to dominate, and this applies beyond pastors. That's ministry leaders, Bible study leaders, parents, mentors, anyone with spiritual influence. We must never confuse follow God with follow me without question. So what happens when we try to control God? That's the question. Because yes, we do that. Sometimes we try to control God. Maybe not consciously, but listen to your prayers, listen to what you pray. Lord, please do this. There's nothing wrong with that. But then, Lord, do it by Friday. And Lord, here's how I think you should do it. And this person should phone me, and this opportunity should open and let and and then I'll know it's you. We've created an entire script. God just needs to sign it. But prayer is not giving God instructions. Prayer is relationship. And Jesus shows us in Hitzemani. Matthew 26, 39 says, O my Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will. Notice that Jesus expressed his desire. Biblical surrender doesn't mean pretending you don't have desires. Jesus said what he wanted, and then he surrendered the outcome. That is mature prayer. God, this is what I desire and this is what I'm asking you for. But above everything else, your will. Something that I've noticed and become real attend to in my walk with God. Prayers that are prayed where idolatry will prevail above God. God will not answer those prayers. Listen to me and hear me carefully. If you're going to pray out of idolatry, if you're going to pray for more money, a bigger house, a better car, anything above God is idolatry. Your prayer will go as far as what your voice can carry it. That's about it. God will not answer a prayer out of idolatry. And one thing that you must also understand is God will never give you a life where he is not necessary. Gethsemane may be one of the clearest pictures of surrender in scripture. Jesus knew what was coming. He knew the cross, the betrayal, the pain, humiliation, the death. Can you imagine that? And he still said, not as I will, but as you will. Surrender doesn't always remove the difficult road. Sometimes surrender gives you the grace to walk it. And that matters because sometimes we've been taught, if I surrender this to God, he'll fix it. Maybe. But biblical surrender is deeper than that. Surrender says, even if the outcome isn't what I wanted, you are still God. And that is faith. Genesis 22 gives us another powerful picture. God tells Abraham to take Isaac, the promised son, and offer him. Isaac wasn't simply Abraham's child. Isaac represented the promise. Imagine waiting years for something God promised you, finally receiving it, and then hearing God say, Give it back. Genesis 22 9 says, Abraham built an altar there and placed the wood in order, and he bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar. What is on your altar? Because sometimes we don't struggle to surrender the bad things. We struggle to surrender the good things, the relationship, the dream, the ministry, the child, the career, the future, the promise. Sometimes the question isn't, do you love God? The question is, do you trust God with what you love? I want you to think about that. There's another story I love because it's so practical. Moses in Exodus 18. Moses is sitting with morning until evening dealing with everybody's problems. Jethra watched this and basically said, This is not good. Exodus 18, verse 17 says, So Moses' father-in-law said to him, The thing that you do is not good. Both you and these people who are with you will surely wear yourselves out. Some of us need that verse on our fridge in the mirror when you're doing makeup. You will wear yourself out because you believe everything needs your involvement. Every decision, every problem, every detail, every conversation. And sometimes God isn't asking you to work harder, He's asking you to recognize that you were never meant to carry everything. Another example is Martha. Now, this is when control becomes distraction. Luke 10 talks about it. Martha is serving. Now serving isn't wrong. You get the people that want to do everything in their church, from giving coffee to praying to all of that. The problem is what is happening inside of Martha. Luke 10 40 says, But Martha was distracted with much serving. And eventually she tells Jesus, Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore, tell her to help me. Do you see it? The frustration? Martha is now telling Jesus what Mary should do. We do that. Control does it. We become so convinced that our way is correct that even our prayers become instructions how other people should behave. Jesus responds and says, Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. Now that's the connection. Control and anxiety often travel together. Because if everything depends on you, you can never rest. Psalm 46.10 says, Be still and know that I am God. Be still. Stop moving. Stop. Why? Because He is God. Those two ideas belong together. I can become still because He remains God. I don't have to hold the universe together. I don't have to know about tomorrow. I don't have to control every outcome. I don't have to convince everybody. I don't have to fix everybody. I don't have to make sure that every door opens. I can be still. And perhaps that is exactly what someone listening today needs. Not another strategy, not another plan, not another conversation. Stillness. Control lives in two words. What if? What if this happens? What if they leave? What if the money doesn't come? What if my child makes the wrong choice? What if I fail? What if people misunderstand me? What if God doesn't answer the way I want? And before anything has actually happened, you've lived through 20 imaginary disasters. Can you just imagine what that does to your nervous system? Jesus says in Matthew 6, therefore do not worry about tomorrow. Why? Because it's not promised to you. You might not even open your eyes tomorrow. Grace arrives with a day. You don't currently have grace for an imaginary Thursday three months from now. Let me give you that wake-up call. You have grace for today. Here's something very important. Sometimes surrendering isn't I gave it to God once. Sometimes surrender is daily, hourly, sometimes every 10 minutes. You surrender, you surrender, you surrender. Fear returns, you surrender. The thought returns, you surrender. That's not failure, that's discipleship. Luke 9 23 says, if anyone desires to come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. Daily, there are things you will need to put back on the altar repeatedly until your heart finally learns that God can be trusted. Ask yourself, when plans change unexpectedly, do I lose my peace? Do I struggle to trust other people with responsibility? Do I constantly rehearse future scenarios? Do I feel responsible for other people's emotions? Do I become angry when people don't follow my advice? Do I pray for God's will while secretly demanding my preferred outcome? Do I struggle to rest? Do I believe everything will fall apart if I stop? Do I constantly need reassurance? Do I find uncertainty almost unbearable? And perhaps the biggest question, can I obey God when I cannot see where obedience will lead? Because that's where control gets exposed. Thank you for listening to another episode of the Prodigal Daughter Podcast. And maybe today you realize that what you've been calling strength has actually been exhausting you. You've been holding everything together, watching everything, managing everything, thinking 10 steps ahead and trying to prevent every possible disaster. And perhaps today Jesus is inviting you into something different. Not irresponsibility, not passivity, but trust. There are things God has placed in your hands. Steward them faithfully, but there are also things that were never meant for you to control. Release them because control will promise you safety and then demand your peace as payment. Surrender says, I do not know what happens next, but I know who holds me. If today's episode spoke to you, share it with someone who's been carrying more than they were ever meant to carry. And come find and follow the Prodigal Daughter on social media so we can continue these conversations throughout the week. And remember, you don't have to have everything figured out before you come home. You don't have to fix yourself first. Sometimes coming home simply begins with opening your hands and saying, Jesus, I trust you. This has been the Prodigal Daughter Podcast. Until next time, come home. He's waiting for you. Thank you for listening to another episode of the Prodigal Daughter Podcast. And maybe today you realize that what you've been calling strength has actually been exhausting you. You've been holding everything together, watching everything, managing everything, thinking ten steps ahead and trying to prevent every possible disaster. And perhaps today Jesus is inviting you into something different. Not irresponsibility, not passivity, but trust. There are things God has placed in your hands. Steward them faithfully, but there are also things that were never meant for you to control. Release them, because control will promise you safety and then demand your peace as payment. Surrender says, I do not know what happens next, but I know who holds me. If today's episode spoke to you, share it with someone who's been carrying more than they were ever meant to carry. And come find and follow the prodigal daughter on social media so we can continue these conversations throughout the week. And remember, you don't have to have everything figured out before you come home. You don't have to fix yourself first. Sometimes coming home simply begins with opening your hands and saying, Jesus, I trust you. This has been the Prodigal Daughter Podcast. Until next time. Come home. He's waiting.