#TheKindvsNiceLife

Are you choosing niceness over honesty? In this episode, we explore the difference between being nice and being kind—and how one keeps you small while the other sets you free. Let’s talk boundaries, truth-telling, and living in alignment.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to the Authentic Life
• 3:00 The Niceness Programming
• 6:59 The Hidden Cost of Being Nice
• 10:23 Kindness versus Niceness Defined
• 14:05 Why Kindness Feels Risky
• 21:37 Five Ways to Practice True Kindness
• 25:44 Living the Kind Life
• 30:11 Episode Closing and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Hi, it's your girl, keisha, and welcome to the Authentic Life. Each episode, I'll guide you on the journey to living fully, freely and unapologetically. Together, we'll dive into real stories, practical insights and steps you can take to embrace your truth and show up as your most authentic self. So guess what? I am glad that you are here with me, let's get started. Glad that you are here with me, let's get started. Hello, hello, hello and welcome to Hashtag the Authentic Life, a space where we explore what it really means to live fully, to live freely and, most importantly, unapologetically as your true self. It's your girl, keisha, and if you're new here, I'm your host, I'm your guide and I might just be your accountability partner on this journey. So, whether you're tuning in from your car, your office or your favorite cozy corner at home, your girl is just glad that you decided to be here with her today. This podcast, for me, is where we pull back the layers, where we shake off the performance and we get real about what it means to live a life that feels aligned, courageous and true. My hope is that we are creating a space where we name what needs to be named and live into what needs to be claimed. This is where we stop performing and start becoming. If you're new here, welcome to the movement and if you're returning, thank you. Thank you for doing this life work with me. Now I've got to be honest with you all.

Speaker 1: 1:30

Today's episode was supposed to be about hashtag the like versus love life. That was the original plan, but after a few conversations, some self-check moments and a lot of reflections, I knew I had to shift gears a little bit. That episode is still coming, but something deeper and more urgent kept rising to the surface, something I needed to process out loud, and that's how we arrived at this hashtag the kind versus nice life. So last time we talked about hashtag the good person life, how being seen as good can trap us in a loop of being people pleasing perfectionism and performance. We explored how the need to be perceived as good can trap us in a loop of being people pleasing perfectionism and performance. We explored how the need to be perceived as good sometimes blocks us from actually doing what's right for ourselves and for others, and sometimes blocks us from taking accountability. This episode, for me, is a natural continuation of that, because, while good often shows up as performance, so does nice, and that's where we begin. So let's be real.

Speaker 1: 2:26

Nice is often taught before kindness. We're told as children to be nice, not to interrupt, not to speak, not to make waves. But being nice isn't always honest. In fact, nice can be manipulative, transactional or even a survival strategy. Kindness, on the other hand, kindness is rooted in integrity, is rooted in love, respect and truth, even when truth is uncomfortable.

Speaker 1: 2:53

So you ready to get this thing started? Let's go, okay. So we're going to start this thing off, talking about the niceness programming and how we even get to this place of being nice. So we're going to start this thing off, talking about the niceness programming and how we even get to this place of being nice. So we're going to start where many of us start, and that's childhood. That's often where we first learn the silent rules of how to be, especially when it comes to how we show up for others. Be a nice sister, they say. Be nice to your teacher. Say yes even when you don't want to.

Speaker 1: 3:30

We weren't taught to honor our boundaries. We were taught to smooth things over, to put others first, to swallow our truth for the sake of someone else's comfort. Niceness became a currency. It became a survival skill, a way to belong, especially if you were a female, especially if you were a person of color, especially if you grew up in a family, culture or faith tradition where being liked meant being safe.

Speaker 1: 4:03

But let's call it what it really is it's programming, because niceness it isn't truth, it's performance. It's performance of being agreeable, being pleasant, even when your spirit is agitated, your body is screaming no and your mind is begging you to speak up. And after a while that performance becomes automatic. You become fluent in people pleasing, you say yes when you mean no, you laugh when you want to walk away, you apologize for simply existing with needs, opinions and limits. You shrink, not because you want to, but because you've been conditioned to believe that your power, your presence, your too muchness is a problem. And that's when the mask of niceness becomes a trap. It disconnects you from your voice, from your values, from your truth, and eventually it costs you your peace.

Speaker 1: 5:01

So how do we break free from that conditioning? How do we unlearn the performance and return to something real? The first thing I would say is identify the voice behind being nice. Ask yourself, whose voice do I hear when I feel guilty for saying no? Is it a parent, a teacher, a pastor? Naming the source helps break. It helps you to break its unconscious hold. Replace the phrase instead of be nice, start practicing. Be honest with love and be real and respectful. Say it out loud. Use it as a grounding mantra when you feel yourself slipping into performance.

Speaker 1: 5:42

Think about in journal the very first time you were punished for not being nice. Write about it. Explore how that moment shaped your current behavior. What message did you internalize about your worth, your voice and your autonomy and that special thing you know? I like that. I tell y'all to think about all the time. Track those triggers For one day. Jot down every time you feel pressured to be nice rather than honest. Reflect what triggered the urge. What did I give up in that moment? And then anchor a new belief. Create a new mantra, something that you can repeat daily, like my safety is not my silence. My peace is my truth. Do some reflection. Who taught you that being nice was more important than being honest? What did you lose in order to be liked? What truth have you been holding back for the sake of approval? Now let's talk about what happens when that programming goes unchecked, because when niceness becomes your default setting, it doesn't just cost you clarity, it can lead you straight into resentment, burnout and a life that doesn't even feel like it's your own.

Speaker 1: 6:59

Ok, so now we're going to talk about the trap of niceness. On the surface niceness seems harmless, even virtuous. It looks like cooperation, it can look like support, it can even look like peacekeeping right. But if you really sit with it, you'll start to notice something a little bit deeper that niceness has a cost. You say yes to everything and then you complain to yourself in the car because you're running on empty. You nod along in meetings even when your gut is screaming this ain't right. And then you vent to your best friend later, like I sent my best friend a long, long, long little message here recently. You show up, you smile, you perform support, but behind the smile you're stretched too thin, you're tired, you're irritated, you're quietly unraveling. That's not kindness, that's not authenticity, that's emotional dishonesty. And emotional dishonesty doesn't build connection, it erodes it, it creates resentment, it fractures trust, it distances you from yourself and from others. Because when people don't get the real you, even your yes, becomes a lie and that lie it starts to pile up your body. In your body, in your tone, in your energy. You're doing the right thing on the outside, but it doesn't feel right on the inside.

Speaker 1: 8:30

I remember a moment in my life when I was completely overwhelmed. I had said yes again to helping someone with something I had absolutely no bandwidth for. I was already behind in some of my own commitments, I really wasn't getting a lot of rest and, to be honest, I was emotionally tapped out. But I said yes because I didn't want to seem unhelpful. I didn't want them to think I didn't care. I didn't want them to think that I was a bad friend. But here's what happened. I showed up but I really wasn't there. I was irritated the whole time, I was short and, worst of all, I felt a little bit of resentment, not to them, but to myself. That day I realized something I wasn't doing them a favor, I was faking it and I wasn't being kind to them and I definitely wasn't being kind to me.

Speaker 1: 9:21

When you think about stuff like that, I want you to start asking yourself this simple question before you even say yes to something Is my yes honest or am I just being polite? Because a polite yes with a bitter heart is still a no in disguise. A real yes comes with energy, presence and intention. Anything else is a quiet betrayal of yourself. So do me a favor right, quick, open your notes app or your journal and write this down what is nice? What is being nice cost me? Think beyond the surface. Think about energy, peace, self-respect, time with your family, mental health. Let's be honest, in some cases let's just be messy. So if niceness is all about keeping the peace on the outside, what does real peace look like on the inside? What does kindness, grounded, honest, soul level kindness actually look and feel like? So let's make this shift right, quick. Okay. So what does kindness really mean? Let's pause and make something clear.

Speaker 1: 10:29

Kindness is not the same thing as niceness. They may look similar on the surface, but at the core they are very different energies. Niceness is about being perceived a certain way. Kindness is about being present in a certain way. Niceness is about comfort. Kindness is about care. Niceness wants to avoid conflict, smooth things over and keep everyone happy, even if it means self-betrayal.

Speaker 1: 10:54

But kindness? Kindness is rooted in truth, in clarity, in courage, in love. Kindness says I respect you enough to be honest with you. I care about you enough to speak the truth, even if it's uncomfortable. I love myself enough to hold this boundary, even if it disappoints you. Kindness doesn't perform, it doesn't pretend, it doesn't pacify. It meets people where they are, but it doesn't leave you behind in the process. Let me be clear Kindness doesn't leave you behind in the process. Let me be clear Kindness doesn't always feel good in the moment. It might ruffle a little bit of feathers, it might shake the room a little bit, it might cause a pause in a relationship, but it always serves good in the long run because kindness honors both the other person and yourself. It's not a quick fix, it's the long game, it's a commitment to authenticity and emotional integrity.

Speaker 1: 11:48

Let me give you an example. Let's say a friend keeps overstepping a boundary. They keep asking you to do things. Last minute the nice response might sound like sure, no problem, even though you're frustrated. But the kind response may sound like hey, I really value our friendship and I want to support you. But I also need some notice in the future, because last minute requests stress me out or this may be uncomfortable, but I need to say it because I care about us. That's not rude, that's not mean, that's kind, because it invites truth into the relationship and it allows room for mutual respect. So I want you to use this framework as a guide when you're practicing real kindness.

Speaker 1: 12:31

First, I want you to lead with intention. Ask yourself what do I really want from this conversation? Is it connection, clarity, resolution? Then speak with clarity. Avoid sugarcoating or vague, vague language. You don't need to be harsh, but you don't, but you do need to be honest. Then, lastly, stay grounded in love. Let your tone, your words and your presence reflect care, even if the message message is hard. Write this down and say it out loud. Let it live in your body.

Speaker 1: 13:02

Kindness, isness is clarity with compassion, truth with tenderness and boundaries with love. Take a moment and really think about this. What's one conversation I've been avoiding because I want to be seen as nice? Whose comfort are you protecting by shrinking your truth? What might change if you choose kindness over niceness in that moment? Write about it, speak it out loud, practice it in your mind. That's how we build new habits. But let's name the truth here.

Speaker 1: 13:35

Kindness takes courage, it takes practice, it takes presence, it takes a willingness to be misunderstood sometimes, and that's why so many of us, not just performance. So let's go there. Let's talk about the fear that make us default to niceness in the first place. Okay, so why does kindness feel risky, or what's the fear about being kind? Let's be real Kindness can feel risky, not because it's wrong, but because we've been conditioned to believe that telling the truth comes with consequences, especially when you've spent years, maybe even a lifetime, being rewarded for being agreeable.

Speaker 1: 14:24

You worry that speaking your truth will make you seem rude. You fear that setting a boundary will make people call you difficult, dramatic or selfish. Boundary will make people call you difficult, dramatic or selfish. You hold back how you really feel, just to keep the peace, just to keep the relationship, just to keep your image intact. But let me ask you something hard If the relationship can't hold your truth, is it really a safe relationship? If your workplace can't receive honest feedback without labeling you as unprofessional or emotional, is that a healthy environment? Because when we equate honesty with harm, we start silencing ourselves to feel safe. But that safety is often just silence dressed up as security.

Speaker 1: 15:06

So I've had moments, personally and professionally, where I've shared something that was honest, heartfelt and clear. You know me, if you know me, I am very transparent, I am direct, I am all the things right. I don't do a bunch of fluff I think I've mentioned that before but I still maintain levels of care, respect, professionalism, all the things. And I try not to be harsh or attacking and just be honest. And I still have watched people pull back. I've watched energy shift. I've seen people I love retreat emotionally and become emotionally unavailable because I was expressive and honest. I've seen colleagues and others become distant. And you know, at the end of the day, stuff like that hurts, right. It made me question did I do something wrong? Should I have not said that? Should I have kept it to myself? Was it even worth me bringing it up? But here's the truth that I always come back to. I would rather lose temporary approval than permanently lose myself. I would rather feel the sting of someone else's discomfort than live with the dull ache of my own self-abandonment.

Speaker 1: 16:26

So I want to give you two examples. I want to give you this in a what it looks like in a relationship and then what it looks like, potentially, at work. So let's say you're in a relationship May it be romantic, friendship, family, whatever and there's a pattern that's hurting you. Maybe your partner dismisses your emotions when you're vulnerable. Maybe your friend jokes at your expense and always laughs things off. Now you could keep playing.

Speaker 1: 16:50

Nice, you can keep the peace for the sake of keeping the peace, when in reality there is no peace, there's just chaos and confusion. You can smile through the discomfort, but what's the cost? Now imagine this. You say I want to share something that's been sitting heavy on my heart. When I open up and I feel dismissed, it makes me want to shut down. I'm not saying this to blame you. I'm saying it because I want us to feel safe together.

Speaker 1: 17:18

Now, that's not rude, that's not dramatic, that's real, that's kindness with a backbone. That's what builds intimacy, not just connection with people. So, being okay to express yourself and being okay expressing yourself and how you feel should be something that you do. But when you think about this kindness versus niceness thing, we always revert back to the being nice, right, we always revert back to I have to be nice, I have to be nice to my partner, I have to be nice to my sister, I always have to be nice and we skip the kindness and, as I mentioned earlier, that's not the truth. We end up hurting ourselves trying to again maintain the peace.

Speaker 1: 18:08

So here's a work, maybe leadership example, right? So let's shift the lens to the workplace. And you know I do a lot. I'm in a leadership role. I do a lot with leaders, so I'm going to come from a leader's lens. So you're a leader, or maybe you're just someone with a seat at the table and there's a process that's inefficient, a colleague who's disrespectful, a policy that unintentionally excludes people. Niceness says it's fine, keisha, don't rock the boat. Kindness says this deserves to be named because people are being impacted. You might say to your team I want to offer a perspective I think could help us move forward. I know it may feel uncomfortable, but I believe discomfort can lead to growth. You're not attacking, you're not grandstanding. You're bringing clarity with care. And that's the mark of a leader, not a peacekeeper, especially in the workplace and in leadership.

Speaker 1: 19:08

What I find so frequently with people in leadership roles and I think this is how the kindness versus nice life is a good partner to hashtag the good person life, because as leaders and as we're in these spaces, we want to be nice, right. We want people to like us, we want people to respect us and all of the things, and so a lot of times we don't deal with stuff because we're trying to maintain the peace. A lot of times, we're not honest because we're trying to maintain the peace. A lot of times we don't say the things that need to be said because we're trying to be nice, we're so worried about being nice because nice equates to me being a good person. Nice equates to me being liked to where I can't even lead properly. And so, thinking about this and understanding that as a leader, do you really ask yourself as a leader, do you really want to be nice all the time? Can you even be nice all the time in your role? Or is it that I should really focus on being a kind leader and supporting and supervising my staff with care in all of the things? But at the same time, I have an understanding that me trying to be nice all the time isn't going to accomplish what I'm trying to accomplish at the end of the day. So that's what I want you to think about from that workplace perspective. As a leader, are you more focused on being kind or being nice? Now, if being kind in this way feels unfamiliar, that's okay.

Speaker 1: 20:50

Honesty is a muscle and, like any muscle, it builds with practice. So we're going to start small. We're going to say things like actually, that doesn't work for me. Can I be honest about something that's been on my heart or I don't feel aligned with this decision. Here's why Practice low practices and low risk spaces with people you trust and stretch, because every time you tell the truth with kindness you build a little more trust in yourself and with other people.

Speaker 1: 21:17

So how do we actually build that kindness muscle in our day-to-day lives? How do we bring our truth into real moments, real conversations, real choices, without fear taking the lead? Let's walk it out. Let's get into this daily practice. So we've talked about what kindness is. We've talked about why it feels risky. Now let's talk about what it looks like in real life, because kindness isn't just a concept, it's a practice. It's not something you turn on only during hard conversations. It's a muscle you build in your everyday choices, your language and your presence. And, like any muscle, it takes time and tension and repetition. So here are five real ways to practice kindness without defaulting back to the old habit of niceness.

Speaker 1: 22:05

The first one is pausing before responding. We often feel pressured to respond immediately, to say yes, to solve, to smooth things over in the moment. But you don't have to. You can pause, try saying let me think about that and get back to you. That's kind to them and to you because it gives you time to check in with your own truth before you perform someone else's expectation that one sentence is boundary in disguise the ones that one sentence is boundary in disguise your boundary language. Number two your boundary language that honors everyone. Setting a boundary doesn't mean you don't care. It means you care enough to be honest about your capacity. So try saying things like I really want to support you, but I don't have the capacity right now. Or that sounds like something I'd enjoy, but my schedule is full and I need to honor that. That's not me, that's not Cole. That's what it means to practice self-respect without disrespecting others.

Speaker 1: 23:02

Number three be honest without blame. It's possible to speak your truth without pointing fingers, to share what's real for you without making someone else wrong. So try saying things like here's how I felt in that moment and I wanted to share it with you. You're not accusing anyone, you're not attacking anyone. You're revealing a truth that helps the other person understand you better, and that's kindness. Then start small. If verbal honesty feels overwhelming, start where it's safer. Try texting, writing an email, journal, what you want to say before you say it. That isn't about perfection, it's about practice. Your voice is a muscle, and starting small still builds strength. And lastly, talk to yourself with kindness. Let's not forget this. You are not just being kind to others, you're being kind to yourself, and that starts with your inner voice. If you catch yourself people pleasing again, don't spiral into shame. Don't beat yourself up for old patterns. Just notice it. Pause, pivot and say this to yourself Okay, I did the thing again, I'm learning. I'm growing. Next time I'll do different. I did the thing again. I'm learning. I'm growing. Next time I'll be, I'll do different. That's self-kindness, that's emotional maturity. That's real work.

Speaker 1: 24:22

So I remember having a conversation with someone that I deeply cared about and we had been dancing around some tension for a couple of weeks. I think both of us were trying to be nice, but both of us were really avoiding what needed to be said. So finally, I just decided to say that you know, I want to keep walking with you, but I need to be honest about what isn't working for me. And was that something that was hard? Absolutely. You know, I'm one of those people that I do care about people, but I also have come to a place that I understand that a closed mouth does not get fed. So, yes, I said that thing with love, but I also said it with clarity and care. And what happened next is that our conversation shifted. We were able to build trust. It created a space where both of us felt like we could be seen, not just liked, and that we could have good conversation and we could have a good dialogue without things having to go left, because, at the end of the day, kindness builds intimacy, it bridges the gap between performance and presence.

Speaker 1: 25:33

So how do we carry all of this into our daily lives? Not just in hard conversations, but in how we live, how we lead, how we love. So let's bring it all together. Let's talk about what kindness centered, what a kindness centered life actually looks like, moment by moment. Okay, so we are coming to the end down this hill and we're almost done. So what does it actually look like to live the kind life? It's not just about the words you say. It's about the way you show up. It's about the energy you carry, the choices you make and the boundaries you hold.

Speaker 1: 26:14

Living the kind life means you lead with truth, even when it's hard, even when it shakes the room, even when your voice trembles and your heart is beating fast, because you know the truth is love in motion. It means you stop shrinking yourself to keep other people comfortable. You stop performing for approval, you stop editing your soul just to be more acceptable to people, because your light, your voice, your truth is not too much. It's just dimmed by the pressure to be agreeable. Living the kind life also means you're willing to sit in discomfort your own and others. If it brings you into alignment with your values, your voice and your purpose, then that's a great thing. It means saying I love you enough to be honest. I respect this space enough to speak the truth. I love myself enough to stop apologizing for being clear. Let me say that again for the folks in the back Stop apologizing for being clear, stop apologizing for being clear. Clarity is kindness. Confusion isn't compassion. It's avoidance dressed in a smile.

Speaker 1: 27:29

So these are some questions I want you to sit with. Let these questions anchor you this week. Write them down, reflect on them in your quiet moments. Let them challenge and stretch you. First one is where can I choose kindness over niceness this week? Think about your meetings, your relationships, your family dynamics. Where can you swap performance for presence? Number two who needs my truth more than my performance? Who in your life is getting the edited version of you. What would it look like to give them the honest, grounded, clear version? Number three where am I still shrinking? Where are you dimming your truth to protect someone else's comfort? Where are you betraying yourself to belong? Now you know your girl has added a challenge.

Speaker 1: 28:24

So this is your challenge for the week and, yes, I want y'all to actually do it and not just listen. I want you to choose one moment this week where you would normally default to being nice and instead choose to be kind. This could be saying no to a request that drains you, speaking up in a meeting with your honest opinion, or telling someone that you love with care about how something that they did made you feel. Then I want you to reflect on how it felt. Did it shake you, empower you, free? You Journal it, voice memo it, sit with it, because that's where the growth lives and, if you're willing, I want to hear about it. So if this episode spoke to you, if something in it cracked open a layer you've been hiding behind, I want you to share it, take a screenshot, post it on Instagram or LinkedIn and tag me on Instagram podcasting with Keisha. On LinkedIn. On Instagram podcasting with Keisha.

Speaker 1: 29:25

On LinkedIn, it's just Keisha Jones and use the hashtag the kind versus nice life or hashtag the authentic life, so we can celebrate your journey. And here's the thing, friend you're not here to be small. You're not here to be liked at the expense of being whole. You're here to live with courage, love with honesty and lead with truth. So let's stop performing and start showing up Not just nice but real, not just polite but powerful, not just agreeable but aligned. This is hashtag the nice versus kind life, and I'm living it with you.

Speaker 1: 29:58

Until next time, keep showing up with truth, tenderness and audacity. You deserve that kind of life In the world. It needs that kind of you. So until next time, peace and blessings from your girl, keisha. Well, folks, the episode has come to an end. Thank you for hanging out with me on the Authentic Life. If you loved today's episode, don't forget to subscribe, because subscribing is just like an instant invite to more fun, to more inspiration and to more authentic vibes. I could also use a review, so leave a review or share this with someone that you feel needs a little inspiration. But whatever you do, let's spread the joy of the authentic life. Remember this your authentic self is your greatest gift to the world, and no one should ever make you feel like you aren't. Until next time, stay true, stay bold and keep living the authentic life. Peace, love and blessings from your girl, keisha.