Playing Through Fear: Overcoming Anxiety and Finding Joy on the Pickleball Court

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In this episode of the Pickleball and Partnership podcast, host Charlotte Jukes shares her personal journey into the world of pickleball, revealing her initial reluctance and the deep-seated fears she had to overcome. She discusses the emotional challenges she faced, including anxieties and self-doubts that stemmed from her childhood experiences and the pressure for perfection instilled by her father. Charlotte reflects on how pickleball became a vehicle for rediscovering fun, self-acceptance, and the importance of failing as part of the growth process. She encourages listeners to find joy in activities, embrace imperfection, and understand that they are not alone in their fears and anxieties. Through this introspective dialogue, Charlotte illustrates how pickleball can enrich relationships and personal well-being.

00:00 Welcome to Pickleball and Partnership

00:51 Charlotte's Personal Journey with Pickleball

05:04 Reflecting on Childhood and Self-Doubt

08:34 The Impact of Moving and Fitting In

14:23 Struggles with Perfectionism and Self-Worth

18:19 Embracing Imperfection and Finding Joy

25:25 Overcoming Fear and Embracing Fun

29:23 Gratitude and the Power of Pickleball

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Music: Purple Planet Music
Thanks to Purple Planet Music for Pickleball & Partnership Intro and Outro music Purple Planet Music is a collection of music written and performed by Chris Martyn and Geoff Harvey.

Transcript

 Have you ever avoided trying something new, not because you didn't want to, but because you were afraid of failing? I know I have. In fact, when I first picked up a pickleball paddle, I almost put it right back down. But what if I told you that something Stepping onto the court changed more than just my game.

It changed the way I saw myself. Stick with me because today we're diving into the fears, the failures and the unexpected joy of learning something new on and off the court. Here we go. 

. I wanted to jump on here by myself and just dive really deep into  why I started playing pickleball, why I didn't want to start playing pickleball what I found when I did start to play, what I really discovered about myself painful that was for me and how I was able to overcome that or That makes it sound as though I finished that journey and I haven't by any means.

 i'm still definitely on that journey now, but  I really wanted to  dig deep Into what was going on for me when I went on the pickleball court and what I was thinking, all the anxiety I had, all the inhibitions I had, all the self doubt I had, all the negative talk that I was saying to myself.

And where all that was coming from. And so not how I overcome that, but how I was able to , become aware of really what was going on deep within me. that negative feedback loop that I had been talking to myself for years, for literally years, I had been telling myself things like, you're not good enough to do that.

You're going to fail. That was a big one for me. You're going to fail. So why even try? If you don't try, then nobody is going to judge you. And then you won't have failed. And that is so far from the truth. Oh my gosh. If I could just shake myself at that point and let myself know that is so far from the truth.

I just did not see that I was actually failing by not even trying. And it's still not easy. I'm not saying that I have  discovered everything and turned everything around and that now every time I go into a new situation, whether I go onto the pickleball court and play people, that I'm familiar with, that it's not difficult.

Yes, it still is. Yes, I still have to remind myself to be kind to me, to have compassion for those parts of me that are nervous. and anxious and worried what people will think and the parts of me that are scared of being judged and when I go into a tournament or when I go to a new facility and I don't know the layout and as silly as it sounds I don't know where the bathrooms are and I don't know who's going to be there and all these things run through my head.

I thought I can't be the only person who's feeling this way, that there must be other people out there who feel that nervous and that anxious whenever they go into a new situation, whenever they go into a new facility, or they go and have a new experience for the first time. And whether that's  buying a dress for the Christmas party, or whether that's going to a different grocery store, or whether, like in my case, it's going to play different opponents, or it's going to meet a new group of women.

Then I knew that there must be other people that feel the same way that I do, and so I really felt compelled. to share this episode with you all. And thank you for listening to let you know that you're not alone. I thought I was alone. I thought nobody else could possibly feel this way. And so  I want to go back because I want to go back to the question that I first asked myself when I started to think about this.

And that question was, when did my childhood end? And I really sat down and thought about that because for me, in asking myself that question, what I was really asking myself was, when did I stop having fun? When did everything become so serious?  When did I start to put so much pressure on myself that it took all the fun out of everything that I was doing?

When did I start to really question my ability to do anything? When did I start to overthink? every single thing that I was doing from what I was eating, what I was wearing, what I looked like in the morning before I left the house I was talking to people, the language that I was using, the words that I was using.

When did I really start to think about every little thing that I was saying instead of speaking from the heart? And the answer to that, when I really sat with that and thought about this question, when did my childhood end? I would have to say that it was when I was around 10 years old. And I was living in England.

I was living in Bristol at the time and I loved my life. I had great friends. I had the most amazing best friend. Tati, if you're listening I still think about you lots. I enjoyed school. I was good at school. I enjoyed sports. I was captain of the netball team. I used to play football with the the boys after school.

I loved it. I love the people. I love my life. I love my family. I love the holidays that we took together. I loved playing outside. The back of our house, there was a lane where you could access all the garages at the backs of the houses. And I loved going out into the lane and playing with the other children.

My friends in the neighborhood, we had a A traveling like a travel trailer, a caravan, , and  my dad would hitch it up to our family car, and , we would drive down south to the coast to Devon and Cornwall, and we would holiday there every summer, and I loved it!

I loved my life! At that time I was in fourth year juniors  and we all had to take the what was called the 11 plus and the outcome of that 11 plus exam determined whether you went to the grammar school or you went to the comprehensive school and really where you were then going to go for secondary school as it was then in in England.

And I took the 11 plus, and I passed it, and all my friends passed it, and we were all going to Cotton Grammar School, and I was so excited. And my best friend was going there, and life was, it was pretty good. And then, My dad came home one day  and I remember him being so excited and he had gone for an interview for a new job and he had got that job and he worked in radio.

He worked for BBC Bristol and he had gone for a promotion and he'd got it and he was really excited and he came home and he I actually think I was standing there in the kitchen at the time that he told my mum. I don't think this was just news for me. I think he was actually telling her that he had got the job as well because I seem to recall the look on her face and  I'd have to describe it as not being a hundred percent excitement.

And I didn't understand that as a 10 year old at the time, I didn't understand exactly what was going on with her, but I remember when he told us, when he told me. And I was trying to get my head around what this meant for me because as a 10 year old, of course I really was thinking about myself and my friends and going to school and who I was hanging out with and the sports teams that I was on.

And he told me that this promotion was in a different city. It was in a very large city, miles away from where we were living and that we would have to move and that. I was not going to be able to go to the grammar school with my friends, and my whole world literally fell apart at that time. And I feel emotional about it now because I honestly, I remember it happening as though it was yesterday.

And I leant back against the back door in the kitchen and I slumped to the floor. And all I could think about was, Oh my gosh, my whole life is going to change. And my whole life had changed in that instant. Instead of getting the understanding that  I needed as a 10 year old  I was reprimanded.

I was told off. My dad was cross. He was flipping mad because. I had not thought of him. I had not congratulated him. And I was not happy for him. And honestly, I couldn't, in that moment, I couldn't be happy for him, even when he told me off, even when he told me that my response was not what I wanted. he expected, I could not be happy for him because I knew my life was about to change and everything that I thought was going to happen was not.

And so really that's when my childhood ended.  I saw out the end of that school year, but that summer was bittersweet because I honestly felt like that was the last summer of a time when I could truly feel free, that I could truly be myself.

And so in the September then of that same year, my dad and myself, we moved up to this new city. Miles away, we left my mom and my younger brothers at home.  They were able to continue on at my primary school and my mom stayed behind to pack up and sell the house and organize everything there, which I think actually took about six months.

It took quite a long time. And so for six months And again, I didn't have a choice in the matter. It was decided that I would move with my dad and we moved into a small apartment in this new city. And  I started the secondary school, the grammar school in this new city in Birmingham in England.

And it was so different  everything was different. The city was like 10 times the size that I was used to. I was not familiar with the city. I did not know my way around. I didn't know anybody and everybody spoke differently. Everybody spoke with a different accent. And I soon realized that I did not fit in.

I stuck out like a sore thumb. And that. filled me with horror because I just wanted to fit in. I just wanted to belong. I wanted to be a part of these people and make new friends. And I didn't fit in as soon as I opened my mouth, everybody knew. But I did not come from that place.

I did not sound like everyone else. Things were different,  even culturally things were different, things were done differently. Things were said differently and I didn't understand, it wasn't a completely different language, but I didn't understand the dialect and I didn't understand the slang.

And. I really felt like an outsider and it was a really difficult time for me and I struggled all through secondary school. I struggled really until, probably until I got to the last two years of high school, when I then became very involved with a much smaller group of people who were  into music who took, the music, a level that I really found my people, but it was a very difficult time for me.

And so in order to fit in, I. I became so scared. I became absolutely petrified of doing the wrong thing, of saying the wrong thing. And so more often than not, I found myself sitting on the outside and being an observer and not Really being authentically me and watching  the other girls at the school, watching them and trying to learn, what I should wear, how I should wear my school uniform, how I should tie my tie, , how long my skirt should be, all these different things, what I should say, what I should do in order to fit in.

And that was a lot of pressure. That was a lot of pressure for, I was then 11 when I started that school, it was a lot of pressure for an 11 year old. And I never really felt like I could truly be myself. And that sort of, that set up my life moving forward. Really not being able to a hundred percent be who I truly was meant to be.

And so it really knocked my confidence. And I remember You know, my dad, he worked for the BBC, for the British Broadcasting Corporation. And I looked up to my dad and he demanded high standards. And even as a younger child, I did acknowledge that I was aware of that, that I had to be good to earn his approval.

I had to be, no, I didn't have to be good. I had to be the best. I had to be the absolute best to get his attention. And it's funny because I remember watching the news. He was all about journalism and the news was a huge part of our family life. Whenever the news came on, everybody had to be quiet in the house.

You had to tiptoe around. We were not allowed to have fun or laugh or play because my dad had to watch the news. That was very important. And I look back and I think, actually, that was quite selfish because you could have gone away.  You could have gone to a different room in the house.

You could have taken the radio with you into a different room. You could have put the television in a different room and if the news was that important to you, you could have  allowed the rest of us to be who we wanted to be. But we all had to sit there and be quiet and we had to listen to the news.

But anyway, there was a a news reporter at the time, a lady, and her name was Kate Adie. My dad talked about her a lot. He complimented her a lot. He often expressed how brave and courageous she was. And I looked up to her and I thought, When I grow up, I'm going to be Kate Adie. And I'm going to go into war zones.

And I'm going to report. Because I honestly thought, That, that was how I would get people's approval. That was how I would get people to like me if I achieved at that level. And so I really put a lot of pressure on myself. That's a long way of now coming to, what,  40 years later.

, and here I am still putting that pressure on myself. All through my career, I have put that pressure on myself. I didn't go into journalism. I took the safe, option. I did not fulfill my dream at the time, but I did go into nursing and I had , an excellent career and I was very good at what I did, but I never felt like it was enough.

So fast forward  to today and Couple of years ago when Neil said, let's go and learn pickleball, my whole nervous system screamed, no, absolutely not. This is not something I can do. This is something I know nothing about. I don't know how to play. I may not be very good at this.

I'm going to be judged. And I had huge anxiety  because I needed to be perfect at playing pickleball right from the get go. From the outset.  Because I didn't know how to play and because I knew that I would not be the best of the best from the beginning, my whole nervous system went into paralysis  and procrastination.

And I know because I've talked to other people as well, that this is a common response. When. Your nervous system  is so filled with fear and anxiety and desperation , to do something properly or in the right way or to excel at something that you go into this freeze, 

it's that fright or flight response. I often would go into this freeze response when I was faced with something new or something that, that gave me anxiety and. I became very good at procrastinating and not getting around to doing things because of the fear and actually feeling that paralysis of being absolutely frozen in my seat or frozen, where I stood because to move forward felt so anxious and so fearful for me. And so when Neil decided that he really wanted us to learn to play pickleball together and that he really felt like this was a good thing for us to be able to do. And thank goodness he did. And I'm so grateful that he did push me forward.

He did push me into learning to play pickleball, but every time I went to a new facility or, I would walk onto the court I was filled with this fear of failing, of being a failure, of not being good enough, of not being perfect  not achieving at a level that I thought was acceptable. Not achieving at a level  that my dad had put this limiting belief into my brain that told me that, it's not worth doing something unless you are perfect at it.

That it's not okay to fail, that it's not okay to try, that it's not okay to have fun while you're learning something, and that is so far from the truth. And so I am here telling anybody out there today that needs to hear this, that it is okay to fail. In fact, it's imperative that we fail. We cannot move forward.

We cannot get better unless we fail. It is okay to do something and not be the best at it. It is okay to fail so badly that everybody. laughs at me and thinks it's funny and allows me to laugh at me so that I can see the humor in it too. But it's taken me, it's taken me a while to get to this place and thank goodness for Neil.

helping me through this helping me to a point where, he encouraged me to, it's okay, you don't have to be, the next Ben Jons or the next Anna Bright. You don't have to be, we're not looking to be professionals at Pickleball. It'd be lovely if we were and we could do this huge tour circuit and only play pickleball for the rest of our lives, but that's not our goal here.

And I think I really had to, I did, I really had to learn to do something and find the fun in it again. And go back to that 10 year old me and connect with that 10 year old me. And play pickleball like I was 10 years old again, without worrying about what other people were thinking about me.

And not believing that if I walked off the court, having lost the game, or only getting one point, losing 11 1, that it was okay, that I was still An authentic, genuine,

worthful person that my worth was not attached to my achievement. And that was huge for me, that, that was a big turning point for me. Because we all arrive at, we all become who we perceive that we are based on our perceptions of the world, based on our past traumas.

Based on our beliefs about ourself and the world that we live in, based on our influences what we're influenced by, who we're influenced by, we buy into our stories. And I was really good at telling myself that same story. That, you have to be the best of the best. You have to be perfect.

The world demands perfection from you. No, it doesn't. That's not true. I'm sorry, Dad. You taught me a lot. You did. And I look up to him in so many ways. But that's not true. He got that wrong. And. It wasn't until I, I realized that, that didn't have to be perfect, 

people loved me more because I wasn't perfect. I grew up believing that love had to be earned. And, That's not true. Love is a gift by the very definition of love. It is a gift. And I believe that I had to work hard. I believed I had to work so hard every day to earn other people's love, to earn love. My own self love , and I was never going to get there.

That was never going to be something that I could achieve because I could never get to that point where it was a hundred percent perfection, because that's just not achievable. That's not attainable. It's not realistic. I asked myself another question and that was while I was playing pickleball while I was on the court and I used to find this really helpful walking into, whether it was an outdoor court or an indoor facility, whether I'd been there before or it was new,  I asked myself what's getting in the way?

Of going back to 10 year old Charlotte,  that fun fun, loving love life, full of gratitude for, everything that happened, not a care in the world, what was getting in the way. And I sat with this for a long time and found the answer to that was that  amount of self doubt.

This huge amount of needing to excel at everything to be perfect at everything that I had to control everything I had to control the way that I acted so that I could not relax. I had to be perfect in the way that I walked and talked. And serve the ball , returned the ball volleyed the ball, lobbed the ball every aspect of the game, every aspect of my life needed to be controlled with such minute detail and, oh my gosh, I tell you, that was exhausting.

absolutely exhausting. And I knew that was what was getting in the way of me living my best life. And so again, I had to say, okay, what can I let go off? What is it that I can let go off in order to Live my best life in order to feel that connection to myself, to others, to the world, to the universe, to everything, around me.

And. I realized  that life did not need to be hard. It did not need to be so difficult. I did not have to work so hard at being the best. I could actually relax and have fun and be happy. not take things so seriously. I really needed to not take myself so seriously. And that was really hard.

That was really hard for me to be able to do that. But I did it. One pickleball shot at a time. Literally, I stood on that court and one shot at a time. And again, I say this with emotion because I'm still doing it now, but I know what a long way I have come from. that person that first walked onto that pickleball court with such high expectations of perfection and where I am now and where I'm going as well.

That next step that I'm taking and the next step I'm taking tomorrow as well I, I had to take one shot at a time and literally become so conscious and so self aware of how I was feeling on the court. And being able to say to myself, Have fun with this next shot. Whatever happens, have fun with this next shot, and know that you are doing the best that you can, and whether that shot went in or it went out, or it was returned to me, or it was not returned to me, it didn't matter.

Have fun with it and I started to laugh. on the court. I didn't feel like it. I think there, there was an experiment that was done with a group of people who were depressed and who were on antidepressants. And  for 30 days, they weren't taken off the antidepressants, but for 30 days, they were asked to stand in front of a mirror and smile at themselves.

And. It wasn't a real smile in the beginning, but they would stand in front of the mirror for five minutes. I think it was don't quote me on that, but for five minutes, perhaps for 30 days, until they began to feel those feelings, until they began to feel happy. And at the end of the 30 days, , their feelings had changed.

They actually were happier and they were able to reduce their dose of antidepressants. or even come off antidepressants. And that's literally what I did. I know that sounds crazy and I feel crazy even saying that out loud and putting this out there, but that's literally what I did when I stood on the court and I stood on that baseline and I served or I prepared to receive a serve.

I prepared to return  a serve. I literally put a fake smile on my face every single time until it became a real smile, until I began to feel the real feelings of happiness. And every single day and every single shot that I take, I feel gratitude for being on that damn court. and playing the game of pickleball, of finding the game of pickleball.

And I feel grateful to my crazy husband, to Neil for making me play pickleball when I really didn't want to. And I dug my heels in and he literally dragged me to  that first lesson. And I feel gratitude now. 

 Well, blimey, that was quite the chat, wasn't it? Charlotte's been rambling on and sharing some pretty good stuff and somehow there's still some more to come. Didn't expect her to talk this much. Hope you're feeling inspired or at least mildly entertained, maybe even ready to put some of this stuff into practice.

But don't wander off just yet. Next week she's back for round two. 

Yeah, 

that's right. There's more. She'll be diving into ways to calm your overactive mind and how to use your senses to actually be present instead of daydreaming about your next holiday. So same time next week. Don't be late. Until then, don't donk your dinks and pickle on.