The Dance of Self-Acceptance on the Pickleball Court

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In this episode of the Pickleball and Partnership Podcast, host Charlotte Jukes continues her exploration of overcoming fear and perfectionism through the game of pickleball. 

Charlotte shares her personal journey of shifting her mindset from self-doubt to self-acceptance using techniques like mindfulness, gratitude, and positive self-talk. She discusses the importance of surrounding oneself with supportive individuals, embracing challenges as growth opportunities, and staying present on the court. 

This episode emphasises the transformative power of pickleball in building confidence, finding joy, and fostering deeper connections both with oneself and others.

00:00 Introduction to the Pickleball and Partnership Podcast

00:46 Overcoming Fear and Perfectionism

01:59 The Power of Gratitude and Mindset

03:33 Facing Challenges on the Court

08:26 Learning from Opponents

13:04 Creating Psychological Safety

17:46 Mindfulness and Self-Compassion

35:43 Key Takeaways and Conclusion

Here are six key takeaways from the podcast episode:

1. Mindset Shapes Experience – The speaker discovered that by intentionally smiling, even when they didn’t feel like it, they could shift their emotions and ultimately enjoy the game more. Changing their goal from excelling to simply having fun transformed their experience.
2. Gratitude Enhances Performance – Expressing gratitude for the opportunity to play, for their physical abilities, and for the connections they’ve made through pickleball has been a powerful motivator and a source of joy.
3. The Power of Self-Talk – The speaker recognized the impact of negative self-talk and made a conscious effort to change the way they speak to themselves. Encouraging, compassionate self-talk improved their confidence and experience on the court.
4. Surround Yourself with Supportive People – Finding a group of uplifting players helped the speaker enjoy the game more, build confidence, and celebrate progress rather than focus on perfection.
5. Embracing Challenges and Mistakes as Growth Opportunities – Instead of seeing mistakes as failures, the speaker reframed them as learning experiences, helping them improve without fear of judgment or self-criticism.
6. Staying Present Through Mindfulness – Using techniques like feeling the texture of their paddle, listening to sounds, focusing on breath, and finding rhythm in the game helped the speaker stay grounded and red

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Music: Purple Planet Music
Thanks to Purple Planet Music for Pickleball & Partnership Intro and Outro music Purple Planet Music is a collection of music written and performed by Chris Martyn and Geoff Harvey.

Transcript

 Hello, hello, welcome back. Last week, we started a conversation about fear, perfectionism, and the unexpected lessons hidden in the game of pickleball. And if you thought that was powerful, trust me, we're just getting started. I used to step onto the court with a poker pit in my stomach convinced that every mistake meant I wasn't good enough.

That feeling? It wasn't just about pickleball. It was actually a story that I had been telling myself for years. But what if I told you that learning to play imperfectly actually changed everything? This episode is part two of my journey, how I shifted my mindset from self doubt to self acceptance using simple but powerful techniques like deep breathing, smiling and staying present in the moment.

And the best part, it's not just about improving your game, it's about changing the way you see yourself. So if you've ever felt held back by perfectionism or fear of failure, you are not alone. Let's dive in.

  Whatever happens, have fun with this next shot, and know that you are doing the best that you can, and whether that shot went in or it went out, or it was returned to me, or it was not returned to me, it didn't matter.

Have fun with it and I started to laugh. on the court. I didn't feel like it.  And that's literally what I did. I know that sounds crazy and I feel crazy even saying that out loud and putting this out there, but that's literally what I did when I stood on the court and I stood on that baseline and I served or I prepared to receive a serve.

I prepared to return  a serve. I literally put a fake smile on my face every single time until it became a real smile, until I began to feel the real feelings of happiness. And every single day and every single shot that I take, I feel gratitude for being on that damn court. and playing the game of pickleball, of finding the game of pickleball.

And I feel grateful to my crazy husband, to Neil for making me play pickleball when I really didn't want to. And I dug my heels in and he literally dragged me to  that first lesson. And I feel gratitude now. And even when, and this happened Couple of days ago we were playing together and we were playing a a couple we had just met actually from Montana, a lovely couple.

They were so sweet, the nicest people Gary and Linda. And such nice people on and off the court. And they smiled all the way through the game of pickleball, which I love. If somebody is on the other side of that net smiling at me, that makes me want to smile more because I know they're having fun and that allows me to have fun too, but we got our asses whipped.

Oh my gosh, they were, we were close. We were actually close, but they played a really amazing game. And we've actually in the lead at 1. 9, two, because we were on a role. We were really encouraging each other. Neil and I, we were in the zone and then we just lost it. And anybody who's played pickleball knows that this can happen so easily.

We just lost it. Yeah. and we lost our serve and it went to their serve and they both were able to serve amazingly well and we went from being in the lead 9 2 to losing 12 10 and we were so mad with ourselves but we walked off that court and I tell you every point I was so grateful I said Thank you, universe.

Thank you, higher power. Thank you, God, for introducing me to this crazy game of pickleball, of giving me the opportunity to play pickleball with my husband. of giving us the opportunity to be able to learn about each other while we're on the court. And oh my gosh, thank you for the opportunity to learn more about myself because I could have carried on, I'm 55.

I've been doing this a flipping long time, right?  I've been doing this for 45 years of hiding. Behind this mask of perfectionism and the scary thing is I could have carried on for another 20, 30, 40 years, God willing. Oh my god. That's like a death sentence and , every flipping time I step onto that pickleball court and I pick up my paddle and I pick up the ball and I serve that ball or I return that ball, I am saying thank you.

Because I literally have found a way to, to reconnect with myself and realize that I do not have to be the best at this and actually people love me more because I am sometimes quite useless. And sometimes I will say to myself, have you actually picked up a pickleball paddle before? And have you actually played this game before?

Because there are some games where I honestly think, what the heck am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing.  I can't hit the ball or I can't hit the ball in, or I can't return the ball. But I am so grateful that I am moving that I'm able to move that I am able to to run and jump and that I have the strength and the ability and the muscles and the, the cognition , to be able to play this game  that I'm healthy enough to play this game.

That I'm living in this country,  able to play this game with such amazing people. ,    when I start to get anxious,  when that self doubt starts to creep in again, because it does I remind myself of how far I've come and how far I've come today from yesterday, and I'm not comparing myself to other people.

I stopped not a hundred percent stopped, but I have started to stop comparing myself to other people and to only compare myself to how I was yesterday , or how I was the last time I played pickleball or how I was last week when I played pickleball. how I was last month when I played pickleball, or how I was six months ago, only compare myself now to how I was, because  that's the only thing that is important, is how far I have come. Not , how far I have come compared to somebody else, not how far I have come compared to, my opponents.

It only matters how far I have come. Another interesting thing , that I discovered playing pickleball was,  and I have this lady, Maggie, to thank for this. So in the beginning when we,  had our first outdoor pickleball lessons in the August, and then obviously the weather turned and it became autumn and then winter.

And so we then found somewhere to play indoors. And there was a lady called Maggie and she was a very good player. She is a very good player. And  she would play a very tough, hard game against me. And , she loves to smash the ball. She would smash the ball at me to the point where. I was scared of the ball.

I would actually shield my face or I would turn my back on the ball. And I could not stand my ground at the net and hit the ball back. And , that made me feel quite weak and inferior  And Maggie has this way of let's say Maggie has a very poker face  and she doesn't smile on the court.

She does not show her emotions, and she's a very good opponent in that way. But Maggie used to instill rage in me, and I couldn't understand why. But when I played against Maggie. whoever I was playing with,  whether my partner was Neil or not, but whenever I played against Maggie she would make me feel quite angry.

I shouldn't say that because she didn't make me feel angry. I was doing that to myself, but I would feel angry whenever I played against her and she would smash the ball at me. And I knew I, I was obsessed with winning. I knew at that point I was obsessed with winning and I couldn't beat her.

But I didn't understand, or I wasn't aware of at that time, what an impact she was having on me because she was not showing me that she was having fun. It seemed very serious. She was taking it very seriously, or at least she was portraying that that seriousness in her game as well. And When I realized that I actually do better when my opponent is happy and joking and smiling across the net I realized that I couldn't rely on other people to make me happy.

I couldn't rely on other people    make me feel good about myself. And I was putting a lot of emphasis on what other people thought of me and how other people reacted to me. And if that was a positive experience, then I felt good about myself. And I realized That's not empowering.

I am the only one who has the power or should have the power to make me happy. Because we have no control over our environment. We have no control over other people. We only have control over ourselves. And so again then when I realized this and I was able to put a smile on my face. Even though I didn't feel it,  it didn't matter to me anymore whether my opponent was smiling or not smiling.

And actually it's interesting because  as my game improved and as my self awareness improved,  I was actually in a mental head space to be able to then take on Maggie and not turn my back on the ball and not be scared at the net and give back as good as she was giving me.  I have to say, yay,  there are days where I am able to beat Maggie.

So again, I have to remind myself how far I've come, but how interesting that  I was able to discover that about myself, that having somebody on the other side of the net that did not give me that positive affirmation had a huge impact on me. On my mental health, on my ability to have fun on my ability to to be able to play the game and be able to have fun doing it.

So I just wanted   close this or just wrap this up by.  Acknowledging what we can do to change our mindset how we can feel safe in order to change our mindset. And changing my mindset required me to create This environment of psychological safety for myself.

And so I sat down and wrote some key points things that I did to be able to change my mindset so that  I did create this environment of psychological safety for myself. And so the first thing I did was  I was able to acknowledge my feelings without judging them.  I allowed myself and had compassion for myself when I felt nervous, when I felt frustrated, when I felt challenged I was able to name those emotions and by naming those emotions actually helped me to diminish their power over me.

And then just reminding myself as I stepped onto that court, and like I say, every shot that I took, I reminded myself, I do not need to be perfect. No one expects perfection. Most people are actually there playing pickleball to have fun. I wasn't there to be honest. I have to tell you a secret. I wasn't there in the beginning to have fun.

I was there to excel and to achieve. And I wasn't having fun while that was my goal. But once I changed my goal to have fun, to be fit, to be healthy, to connect with Neil, to grow our relationship and to empower myself to be a better person, then I started having fun. Another thing I did was I made sure I surrounded myself with supportive people.

, obviously we like to play with people who are fun. We like to play with people who encourage us.   , I found the most amazing group of women who lift me up and I am able to lift them up and we empower each other and we encourage each other.

I remember the first time that one of these ladies told me that she loved my game at the net and she wanted to play pickleball like i play pickleball at the net and i said really i was so shocked that somebody would look at how i was doing something and want to emulate that And then I thought, hey, heck, why not?

But then I was also able to say to her, you know what, I love the way you serve. I love the way you're able to read , where the ball is coming from and the amount of spin on the ball and what you need to do to return that ball. And so I have Found myself and I have surrounded myself with this amazing group of women and we are able to lift each other up and support and encourage each other and we have fun and we laugh at ourselves and I have discovered that laughing at myself is okay.

The world did not fall apart when Charlotte laughed at herself because I messed up. . It was so fricking liberating. We didn't need to be competitive all the time. We were able to have fun. I learned that I started small. I started practicing and drilling in small groups in a casual way with no pressure on myself  before I jumped into a tournament or before I jumped into playing with a couple that  that I know are excellent pickleball players. I started small and I still do that now. I still go back to drilling. Neil and I drill a lot together. We go back to drilling. We go back to playing in small groups.

We love the kitchen game. Just four of us. Casually playing the kitchen game in this small group  helps me experiment with different shots with forehands and backhands and topspin. It helps me to experiment with different serves so that I can practice in small groups before I try it out.

In a more serious game or in a tournament. And I really practice gratitude. I know I talked about this already, but I really do practice gratitude. I am so grateful. Every time I step on the court, I have a mantra that I say to myself that I am so grateful.  For the health and the ability and the mobility to play pickleball.

I am so grateful for  people that I am playing with today. I am so grateful for the competition. I am so grateful for The things that I am going to learn from this game about myself, about my husband, about the people that I'm playing with. I am so grateful for these people who are my friends. I am so grateful for these strangers who are not my friends yet, but by the end of this first game, they will be my friends.

They will be my new pickleball friends.

And I remind myself that I am playing for fun. I am there to connect with other people. I'm there to connect with myself. I'm there to discover more about myself.  What masks I've been wearing all these years and to gently and with compassion, pull those masks away to connect with other people and to enjoy my time moving around the court, to enjoy each game as I burn off calories and I challenge myself and I'm learning to enjoy the games.

That I don't win as well.  I'm learning to smile more and laugh more at myself when I mess up. This is actually a really powerful way to, rewire your brain  to see errors and. failures in adverted commas, because there's no real errors. There's no real mistakes. There's no real failures.

I think we've all heard  before that the only real failure is when you don't even try. And so I know, cause I say this to other people on the court as well, none of us are failing. None of us have failed because we all showed up It's seven o'clock in the morning and we all showed up here.

We all got out of bed on a Saturday morning. It's minus 20 outside. It's freezing cold.  We got here and we're on the court. None of us have failed. We're all winners. We are all winners. Absolutely.

And honestly, mistakes are  learning opportunities. They really are. Every shot that I miss, I can now see that as, a learning opportunity to discover why I missed it. Were my feet in the wrong place? Was I in the wrong place on the court? Was it actually not my shot? Did I poach it from Neil?

All I need to do really is look at him and see the exasperated look on his face to know that I poached a shot that I shouldn't have done, but , every mistake, every missed shot is a learning opportunity for me to figure out what to do next time. You know what not to do and what to do better next time.

  completely reframed. No reframed is not the right word. I have completely changed the way that I talk to myself on the court.

I used to get very angry and frustrated with myself. I was very quick to tell myself inside my head, that internal voice, you're no good at this game. You're crap. Why are you playing this? You may as well give up now. You are never going to be as good as so and so on the other side of the net. You're never going to be a worthy partner to Neil.

He's way better than you are. Oh my gosh I could go on. , the negative self talk  that I ran in my head , it's quite shocking. And I did it so naturally. It came so naturally to me to say those kind of things to myself. And even before I got on the court, why are you even going to play with this group of women?

You're not good enough. You shouldn't be here. They're going to judge you. They're going to laugh at you. They're not going to accept you. And I would literally sit  in  my car before I went  Onto the court, whether that was in indoors or outdoors, I would literally sit in the car and have to change what I was saying to myself.

And not only change what I was saying, but believe, truly believe a new way of thinking. Why am I not good enough to be with this group of women? Why are they going to judge me? And it took me back to that time when I moved , to a new city when I was 11 years old and I went to secondary school where I did not fit in, where I did not sound like everybody else when I spoke.

 A time when I believed that I had nothing worthwhile to say and that anything that I said would be ridiculed. There were bullies at the school. There were bullies and they bullied me and they made fun of the way that I spoke. They made fun of my accent and I eventually heard enough times, you're not good enough, you don't fit in, we don't accept you, you're not like us, that I started to believe it.

And  that's what I've been believing all these years. And so when I would go to play pickleball with another group of women, I would tell myself those things. , this group of women are going to judge you. They are going to ridicule you. They are going to talk behind your back.

They may not let you know, but they will be doing this. They will be laughing at you. They will think that you're useless and that you're not good enough. Isn't that awful? Isn't that awful that I actually believe those things for such a long time. And so I sit in the car before I go in. And if Neil's with me, we sit there together and we give each other a pep talk, but I always give myself a pep talk too.

But if I go in by myself if I'm just playing, with ladies or I'm playing in a new group and, or any group that I go in by myself, I sit in the car and I now tell myself the truth. I am good enough. I am good enough. to go in and meet and connect with these women. I may not play at their standard, I may not play at their level, but I am a person who has a lot to offer.

I have numerous skills. I do believe I'm funny sometimes. I do believe I'm caring.  . I do love to connect with people and I do have a lot to give. And I now tell myself these things. And

I coach people, but I also have a coach myself. And so my coach actually got me to write down a list of all the things that I am good at, all my skills and characteristics  and there were a lot,  I've done some damn good things in my life. I have.

created some really great skills and characteristics. And I do have a lot to offer other people, but I need to remind myself of this. So instead of sitting in the car, waiting to go into pickleball and becoming anxious and letting that self doubt creep in, I now remind myself that I am as good as anybody else.

 Even if I don't play very well, and even if I miss shots, I'm trying and I've showed up. And I can laugh it off and I can still be friendly and kind and compassionate to myself. And I can still have fun with people and I'm really good at apologizing. So it's okay. If I say, Hey, you know what?

I'm sorry. I played a really bad game there. And I remember the first time I did that actually, and I did, I played really badly. And this lady, Karen, that I was playing with, she said, Yeah, you did. What the heck was up with you? And she laughed and it was okay. And I said, I don't know. I think I'm just in my head and I'm just not playing so well today.

And she said, that's okay. That's fine. We all have days like that. And it was fine. It was okay. And I truly believed it that time. Whereas before I would have probably, I would have left and cried. I would have gone to the bathroom, literally, and I would have sat on the toilet, and I would have cried, or I would have gone out to the car,  and I would have felt awful, and I would have told myself that I'm stupid and useless, and that I shouldn't be there, but I don't do that anymore, because I have a lot to offer

so  I have changed the way that I talk to myself, and I do talk to myself in the same way that I would encourage a friend. So I am kind to myself, and I am patient, and I am understanding of those parts of me. that want to be competitive and want to excel and want to be perfect. I am compassionate towards those parts because they have protected me for a long time now.

Another thing I like to do when I'm playing pickleball, if I find myself getting too much in my head, or if I find myself. Getting anxious, even like when I'm walking in the doors and I don't quite know who's going to be there and I'm feeling anxious is I will touch something. I will touch maybe the strap on my huddle cover or my back.

I'll touch the strap and just become mindful of the texture of it. And when I'm on the court and I'm playing, I become more mindful of the feel of the ball in my hand, or I may become more mindful of the feel of the paddle. in my hand. And I make a very conscious effort now to loosen my grip on the paddle.

And coach Brent has always been an excellent reminder for me for that. amongst many other amazing tips. But one thing he always said to me was loosen your grip. So I have become more mindful and conscious of the way that I hold the handle of the paddle and how it feels in my hand.

And if it's between points,,  I'll also take my other hand. I'll take my left hand and perhaps just touch the surface of the paddle and feel how that's different because  when I can get out of my head and back into my body, I can calm my nervous system down.

Another thing I do is become more mindful of the sounds around me. Now, sometimes it's very noisy when we're playing pickleball. So sometimes this isn't always super helpful, but , if I can really concentrate on the court that I'm playing on and I can concentrate on the sound of the ball as it connects with my paddle or it connects with my opponent's paddle, or if I can Be more aware of the sound that the ball makes when it hits the ground or the floor.

That's another thing that I can focus on to bring me out of my head.   When your mind runs away with thoughts, it runs away with itself, and it's very easy to get anxious very quickly. But if you just bring yourself back into your body and to the sounds around you I often find that will help as well.

And then another thing I like to do is just feel into the rhythm of the game. So just feeling into Actually, again, coach Brent laughs at me sometimes because I like to feel the rhythm as though it's a dance. He says I wave my arms around too much sometimes, but that helps me because that helps me to ground myself.

If I can feel into the rhythm of my movement, of my backhand hitting the ball and following through of, perhaps a serve of my left hand holding the ball, my right hand connecting, my paddle with the ball, then it feels to me as though I'm doing a dance. And actually, this is something that perhaps Neil and I will talk about as well, is the dance that we have, the two of us, performing.

Because ideally we should be moving together on the court, moving up to the net together, moving to the left together, moving to the right together. And when I can focus on the rhythm of that movement and the rhythm of that dance, that helps me get out of my head. to and back into my body, which really calms my anxiety and any negative thoughts that I might be having at the time.

Another thing that I do is to focus on my breath. I think we all know, or we've all, had experience of breathing deeply and knowing that, that breathing deeply really helps us to calm our nervous system. But it also helps me to release any tension that I'm feeling. So if I can breathe deeply if I can take a couple of deep breaths between points and then really breathe into my body and feel the sensation of the breath entering my lungs and then get that sensation. I really focus on the sensation of the oxygen racing through my blood.

all the way down to my toes and to my fingertips. Again, that's getting me out of my head and into my body. And that just helps release that tension. , people will see me when I serve is I do bounce the ball several times. And I do have this sort of , I call it a dance, this little dance that I do, and a couple of steps that I take before I serve.

So again, it's just putting the focus on my body and getting me out of that crazy headspace that overthinking  that happens so easily for me sometimes. And then again, just stop comparing myself to others. I only compare myself or I try to now only compare myself to how I was previously, how I was yesterday or last week or last year focusing inwardly and just being kind to myself.

Everybody starts somewhere. Even the pros started somewhere. And like I say I, don't play  to become a pro. I'm playing to be fit and healthy and have fun and connect with people. So  I'm reminding myself to only compare me to how I was before and how far I have come.

And just because somebody else may have this most amazing serve that I find impossible to emulate, that I find impossible to come anywhere close to, doesn't mean that's going to be my skill. Maybe I'm better at the net.  And pushing my opponents back.

Maybe I'm better at running back for lobs. I do really enjoy running back for lobs. Maybe that's my forte. Maybe that's my skill. So I don't have to be good at everything. I don't have to be good at every single shot. I try and remind myself now, or I try and celebrate the good shots and the good games and  the fun times, the laughter and the great conversations afterwards and the great friends that I have met and continue to play with.

So I remember to celebrate all those things now as well. That's really important too.  Just appreciating my own unique abilities and appreciating everyone else's unique abilities because we're all different, but we're all pretty much the same too. We're all looking for that connection and that belonging and through Pickleball, I've honestly found my connection and my belonging that I have been missing out on for a long time.

So thank you Pickleball and thank you for listening.

 Hey, thanks for listening along with me and allowing me to share my experience of learning Pickleball and my own personal growth. Here are the key takeaways from today's podcast episode. One, mindset shapes experience. I discovered that by intentionally smiling, even when I didn't feel like it, I could shift my emotions and Ultimately enjoy the game more.

I changed my goal from excelling to simply having fun. And that transformed my experience to gratitude enhances performance, expressing gratitude for the opportunity to play for my physical abilities. And for the connections that I've made through Pickleball has been a powerful motivator and a source of joy for me.

The power of self talk. I recognize the impact of negative self talk and I made a conscious effort to change the way I speak to myself. Encouraging, compassionate self talk improved my confidence and my experience on the pickleball court. Surround yourself with supportive people. Finding a group of uplifting players really helped me enjoy the game more.

It built my confidence and celebrated my progress rather than focusing on perfection. 5. Embracing challenges and mistakes as growth opportunities. Instead of seeing mistakes as failures, I reframed them as learning experiences, which helped me to improve without fear of judgment or self criticism. Six, staying present through mindfulness.

Using techniques like feeling the texture of my paddle, listening to sounds, focusing on my breath and finding the rhythm in my game, helped me to stay grounded and reduce my anxiety.

 Please join me next week for another exciting episode of the Pickleball and Partnership podcast. Next week, I'll be sitting down  and chatting , with one of my long time Pickleball friends and a great Pickleball player herself, Laurie. We get into some really juicy stuff, so this is definitely one not to be missed.

  Until then, as Neil would say, don't dink your donk and pickle on.