Strengthen Your Connection: Conversations with Relationship Expert, Cari Sans LMT

In this episode of The Pickleball and Partnership Podcast, host Charlotte Jukes invites Carrie Sans, a Licensed Marriage Therapist and Relationship Mentor, to discuss how pickleball can enhance your relationship. With nearly 20 years of experience, Carrie shares insights on effective communication, the importance of introducing novelty into relationships, and practical steps for addressing conflicts. The conversation explores the concept of relational intelligence and emphasizes the value of self-awareness and self-soothing in maintaining a thriving partnership. Discover how engaging in activities like pickleball can foster connection and growth within your relationships.

00:00 Introduction to the Podcast

00:44 Meet Carrie Sans: Expert in Relationships

02:21 Carrie's Journey and Passion for Relationships

04:37 Pickleball Memories and Family Fun

08:56 The Importance of Novelty in Relationships

13:23 Effective Communication in Relationships

20:14 Navigating Conflict and Repair

21:31 Repairing After Conflict

22:13 Changing Your Environment

24:01 Practical Steps to Avoid Reactivity

30:44 Understanding Relational Intelligence

34:47 The Love Reset Guide

36:58 Final Thoughts and Resources

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Cari Sans is a licensed marriage therapist and relationship mentor with nearly 20 years of experience helping individuals and couples create connected, thriving partnerships. Her approach is rooted in systems therapy and attachment theory, and she blends that with practical coaching tools to help clients break free from stuck patterns and create real, lasting change. Cari also leads women’s healing circles and teaches relational intelligence as a path to deeper self-awareness, stronger relationships, and a more heart-centered life.

Where To Find Carrie Sans:

https://www.facebook.com/cari.sanslmft

https://www.instagram.com/cari.sanslmft/

https://mailchi.mp/d5dcfc3f68a6/love-reset

Pickleball & Partnership Facebook Page
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Pickleball & Partnership Email cejukes@gmail.com

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Music: Purple Planet Music
Thanks to Purple Planet Music for Pickleball & Partnership Intro and Outro music Purple Planet Music is a collection of music written and performed by Chris Martyn and Geoff Harvey.

Transcript

Charlotte Jukes: 0:10

This the pickleball and partnership podcast, the place to talk. Talk about building better connections with your partner. Learning how to communicate with each other and how to inject fun. Into your relationship all through the game of pickleball. If that sounds like your cup of tea. Pull up a chair grab your paddle and join me. Your host, Charlotte Jukes. For pickleball and partnership.

Charlotte J: 0:44

Welcome. Today I am joined by Carrie Sans, who is a licensed marriage therapist and relationship mentor. With nearly 20 years of experience helping individuals and couples create connected, thriving partnerships. Her approach is rooted in systems therapy and attachment theory, and she blends that with practical coaching tools to help clients break free from stuck patterns and create real lasting change. Carrie also leads women's healing circles and teaches relational intelligence as a path to deeper self-awareness, stronger relationships, and a more heart-centered life. Welcome, Carrie.

Speaker 2 (2): 1:31

Thanks, Charlotte.

Charlotte J: 1:32

It's so lovely to have you on here. I really appreciate you jumping on. I just know you're going to have so many nuggets of wisdom for us that many people will be able to take away, whether they're pickleball players or not, whether they're in a relationship or not, because I always say, even if we are not in a relationship with someone else. We're always in a relationship with ourselves, right?

Speaker 2 (2): 1:59

Absolutely.

Carrie: 2:00

With ourselves and we're in constant relationships. We are in relationship to that person that's checking you out at the register even, right? Like how we interact with people. It's all relational. I. Everything I talk about with my clients, I've said it can relate to any relationship.'cause it's all relational.

Charlotte J: 2:19

Mm-hmm. Absolutely. So I don't know too much about you, Carrie. I know that you have played pickleball at some point and we will get to that. But maybe would you mind sharing with listeners, like who is Carrie and what would you like us to know about you?

Carrie: 2:38

Oh, geez. So, you read my bio so you get an idea of what, like I kinda do in terms of working as a therapist. So I work a lot with relationship issues. I navigate lots of relationships every day and, I have three children, so I am also a mom and the work that I do is all relational work. It's. I guess it's a sort of an obsession. Just I just get very curious about, I grew up in a high conflict divorce and I was always curious about the impact of relationships. I remember being in my undergrad work in as a psychology major and my senior year we had this project and we were talking about in psychology, it's very individually focused, like what's happening in the inner psyche. And I was like, what about. How that informs like the relationships inform a person's life. So I got really curious about that. And while I was doing that, I came across this program called Marriage and Family Therapy and I was like, oh yes, this is where I want to be working. And initially wanted to work with divorced families because I wanted other people to maybe not go through the process in the same way that I had grown up in. And, while I was in grad school, didn't quite move in that direction. However, after grad school, I kind of just landed in this position where I was seeing couples all the time. Like that's who I was working with. So it became sort of a niche for me. I just. Became very comfortable working with couples. I do work with individuals as well, but everybody that comes in to see me focuses on relationships. So we do relational work. It's not like they typically come to a therapist for anxiety or depression. Some of that may be there, but always working on some sort of relationship issue. So I love talking about it and and working with the clients that I do get to work with. I do have an experience of playing pickleball, but uh, it's funny because when you asked me about coming on, I had been talking about it with my kids recently about doing this so many years ago, we had created a court in our driveway. So we had a pretty long driveway and we had heard about it, so we set up a net and we actually chalk lined the driveway and stuff, and we were playing. And then somehow the net. Got torn and we put it away and we never went back to it. But we've been talking about it, especially as the weather's getting nice and where I live in New York and let's start going to some of the outdoor courts and just getting into it again. And then you popped into my life and I was like, this is so fun. And listening to your story, I was like, oh, I can't wait to play pickleball.

Charlotte J: 5:33

Isn't that funny How Yeah. Divine timing, right? Thinking about pickleball and then there I was. I showed up. So you said you played with your three children. Were they a young age then? Yeah,

Carrie: 5:46

they, at the time they were young, so this was many years ago. So they were probably all at the time, under 10. And it was just fun'cause we all could play it and and I liked it'cause I've always been. A badminton fan, not so much a tennis fan. So I felt like this was something that I could do, that I had enough athletic ability to play pickleball, but after listening to your stories, I'm like, oh, I have a lot to learn.

Charlotte J: 6:11

Oh I still have a lot to learn, but it's interesting, isn't it? And I think this is something that I try and stress to people all the time. That pickleball is so accessible and it is fun and it's so easy to pick up a paddle and start playing, and here you are. You pick up paddles with your children under the age of 10, and you can all get out there and have some real fun together. Yeah.

Carrie: 6:38

So I'm looking forward to next week starting, hopefully the rain has stopped and we're gonna get out there and start playing. So, yeah. Perfect timing.

Charlotte J: 6:48

And are your children excited to do that too?

Carrie: 6:51

Yes. They've been waiting and we've had about 10 consecutive days of rain here, even so we haven't been able to start. So I'm really hoping that next week we can actually get out there and I can start watching some videos and learning

Charlotte J: 7:05

that's a great idea. And there are lots of videos out there for sure. I know my husband Neil, is a little bit upset. Obsessed with finding the latest videos on YouTube or TikTok or wherever that is. But there is so much information and advice and little pieces of strategy that you can bring into your game. I just love getting out there and having fun and feeling like I'm exercising yeah, it sounds like you have some courts. Near you that you can go and play? Yeah, there are some courts and I actually was talking about it with a friend last night. We went to dinner and we talked about playing together as well, and I know the colleges have some indoor courts and there's another one around here that I'm familiar with. So yeah, we could play. Even when it's not so nice. Yeah, that's great. And you're right. You can play with anyone. You can play with your partner, your husband, you can play with a girlfriend, you can play with the neighbor down the street. Yeah. You can just show up at a court with your paddle and a ball. And there's always somebody there, there's always somebody there that you can jump in with. Yeah.

Carrie: 8:13

Yeah. I was seeing it also as an opportunity and I was listening to, your story about it too, as an opportunity to meet people as well. I love the exercise part of it. So I like be active, but just

Charlotte J: 8:25

to meet people. Absolutely. It's a great place to meet like-minded people who want to get out there and not sit at home scrolling on their phones. And I think, you mentioned you played pickleball years ago, the net broke, you put it away, life gets busy and I think a lot of people can relate to that. We all have good intentions. And then life happens. Things get in the way of us reconnecting with each other. How do we start again when things feel broken or out of alignment?

Carrie: 9:02

Yeah. I think when you know that that's what's going on, right? Something doesn't feel right Or you feel that disconnect that I like to look at those as opportunities, right? We can go spiral down and think negatively about it, or I. Feel defeated by that idea that maybe that is coming up for you for a reason, that okay, there may have been some disconnect or life has gotten so busy because that happens, especially, for couples, couples that have families, like a lot of things can get lost right When you're trying to. Adult, I like to say, right? Parent. And that becomes such a big focus and you lose that ways of connecting with each other. So knowing when that happens what are some things that we can do to reconnect? One of the things that I liked about what you're sharing, in this idea of. Pickleball being an opportunity for a connection is that it could introduce this novelty to the relationship that is so important for sustainable like attraction in the relationship when you. Have been together for, so long over time we've become so much alike in ways or so familiar. I think people tend to take one another for granted or the relationship, or not make it so much a priority. So I think that inserting some sort of novelty will bring new energy to the relationship. So I love this idea of. Playing pickleball. I know you even shared a story about doing a home renovation. To me, even that, right? That's a project you guys get to focus on in a, and it gives you different kind of energy. I think the pickleball sounds a lot more fun.

Charlotte J: 10:57

I would agree with you. Hundred percent.

Carrie: 11:00

Right. You know, and and there's, so I feel like there's just so many good things about it, that can enhance a relationship.

Charlotte J: 11:09

And I think, you bring up a very good point because in a relationship, I think we're all familiar with the honeymoon phase, and then that's over and we get into that humdrum of life. And it's very easy to feel separated from your partner as though you're both just going about life and not really connecting. And I love that you use the word novelty. Because I think that's what pickleball brought to our marriage. We've known each other for over 30 years. We've been married for 28 of those. But I think it's a consistent looking for ways to bring novelty into the relationship. Right.

Carrie: 11:56

Yeah. Yeah. Well, to me it sounded like, you know, again, listening to your story, like this was a new focus for, you brought in some of that novelty, it gave the two of you something to work together around like you both were learning and, getting curious about you both were growing. I think that's really important in a relationship too. When you have one person you know that's focused on their growth and the other person is not, that certainly can create a block because what do you do when you're growing? Do I fall back because they're not growing. The other person has to kind of grow to me. So if you're doing that together, I think that's so beautiful that shifts the relationship

Charlotte J: 12:36

And I think there often is that divide there. And I think I talk to many women, my friends, people I come across who feel as though they are growing and they are motivated to. Feel more empowered and put themselves out there, and they want more for themselves in life, but they feel as though their partner is not quite in the same place, and that's tricky to navigate. So yes, it's great if you can both say. Okay, let's go play pickleball together, or whatever that is. Let's go and take dance lessons together, right? Or let's just go and take a walk after dinner every night. It can be as simple as that. But what would you say then to those couples where one person is really wanting to move forward and their partner won't get off the couch?

Carrie: 13:33

Yeah. I think that's a great question They have to talk about that. And I don't mean to make it so simple, but because sometimes just talking about it is where they get tripped up. Because when I bring it up, maybe it's the way you bring it up or maybe it's just that a habitual pattern that the two of you are in that. What is being said is not what's being heard we can get into these patterns and relationships where we react versus respond, and when we're reacting. I see that as like us in our, we're more in our armored state or protective state. And we're not in a relational state at that point. So if we're not in a relational state, then are we really listening to what the other person needs? You know, we're listening maybe enough to know how am I gonna respond? Respond to this or we're activated, something has come up for us. We feel a need that we have to protect ourselves, and then we, we react with some form of protection like explaining, justifying, shutting down, defending or attacking back even, right? These are ways we can react to situations. And then the issue that, I am feeling maybe alone or disconnected, that was originally there. It gets lost and then they never come back to this piece of, oh, okay, so you're feeling disconnected. Let's talk about that. What's making you feel that way? And when I work with couples, I take them through a process of walking through a conversation because we're not having that conversation. If you're not talking to your partner about. Hey, I'm feeling disconnected. I would like to do this thing. I really like to play pickleball together as a way for us to connect, and they're not hearing any of that. Maybe becoming defensive and then they just stop, right? So then the partner that wants to express this or needs this, doesn't continue to show up and have that conversation or hold a position of, this is really important, we need to talk about it. And I say in a, like a loving firm way, because if you collapse and then say, well, I guess this is just not what he or she wants, and then gives up right? Collapse in it, well now you're never gonna get there with it. So I say keep on coming back, but you know, paying attention to your own reaction if they react and then you react in response to that. You are essentially moving away from the core issue too. You're allowing it to move away, so not react to that and come back to, okay, in a way I see that you, have your own thoughts and feelings about this and I'm open to hearing that. Can we take turns? Even like when I teach couples how to move through like a conscious dialogue, I say this is a framework just to even in your own head, okay, I wanna be heard. So I wanna make sure that they're hearing everything I'm saying. I wanna feel validated when I'm saying I want them to get it understand me, empathize with me, and then I want support with this. So I, I help them use that framework to just even ask for what you need. To have a dialogue about it, but I think a lot of people don't have the dialogue right.

Charlotte J: 16:55

And we are not taught that. We are not modeled that necessarily. Exactly. Maybe a few of us are lucky in that we are, our parents are able to do that, but I don't think many of us have that dialogue model to us, and then we are not taught it. It's not taught in school, it's not taught at home. And then we find ourselves in these relationships. And I think a lot of us feel like, we are drowning. We are trying to keep our head above water and we don't know how to be heard. And I think. And I can only speak for women because I, I'm a woman. And it may be the same for men but I think we also don't know how to ask for what we want.

Carrie: 17:41

Oh, I know. There is like a piece in the framework that I walk them through where because once you get out of needing to go into that self protection mode or armor up. So when you do that, you're bypassing what it is that you really need.'cause you're just like, I gotta survive. I have to protect myself. So you never really get to what is it that I need. So if you stop going right to that protective armored place, now you have to meet yourself here what is it that I really need? Right? And if your partner's really hearing you actively listening and reflecting back what you're saying and you get to hear it, you get to get more clear about what it is that you're trying to say too. Is that really what I'm trying to say? Because maybe it didn't really come out in the way that you intended it to come out. But if they can hold a container for you versus reacting, then you get to hear back what you're saying. You're like that's it, but that's not all of it. And then you give them more. And again, if they're not reactive to that and they can just hear it and take it in and they reflect it back and you're like, oh yeah that, yeah, that's what I mean. Oh, okay. And now you can talk about what that's like for you, your experience of it, and if they can still hold that, you can get to what is it that I'm needing as a result of that. And I find, clients will be so challenged, couples will be like. I don't know what I need. And I'm like if you don't know what you need, then how is your partner gonna meet that need? And I do have people, I'll tell my clients like, I want you to focus on meeting that need for yourself first, but sometimes meeting your need. Let's say it's the need for love. The most loving thing that you can do for yourself is to communicate your need, so it might be part of that, but what would be the thing if you need to feel reassurance at the moment I. What would help you to feel that way? What could you do? But while you're there, the ideas will come up and then that gives you a better way to communicate it if you have more clarity around it, but if you just get activated and you go here to, put your armor on, you totally miss the opportunity to get clear on what your needs are. And then the relationship doesn't get to hold that.

Charlotte J: 19:58

Because then you're just, you're reacting and your nervous system is just shutting you down. Yeah. And protecting you. Like you say, putting the armor on and a conversation, an open dialogue can't happen from that place. Yeah.

Carrie: 20:14

Yeah. When I was thinking about this idea of bringing in pickleball and partnership or like focusing on this, like even the act of doing like something active, like playing pickleball together. And I'm just recalling'cause I had just listened to a story that you and Neil were describing about you know, maybe there was this tension before, I think it was a tournament or something, but afterwards the two of you were able to come back to repair. So I feel like even being in this like experience of doing something active different, I. You're you kind of take yourselves outta your typical pattern of relating and you're playing this game and you're moving and the energy's different. Like you are showing up differently in that moment too. And so now I, when you come back to an issue afterwards, I think it will be different. You're gonna have a totally different perspective on what was going on and even be in a different place to actually come back to repair. There's going to be conflict. I don't think any couples don't have conflict. I. I know people want to avoid conflict, especially if the message is that conflict is bad, but conflict is not bad. It's the inability to repair after the conflict that is really the issue. So whether the issue starts while you're playing or just something that's happening at home before, being in that place of playing together and changing that whole pattern of, I think will allow for the two of you, or even if you're playing like together, what if you were to work out an issue? While you're playing.

Charlotte J: 21:58

Oh, I love that idea. So each of you are either side of the net just knocking the ball to each other. Yes. Then your body is in a different environment, so your mind is in a different environment. Yes. Yes, absolutely. And I'm also wondering perhaps,'cause I love this idea of changing your environment, that seems like a very simple and perhaps effective thing that couples could do. So if one person wanted to perhaps have an open discussion about something. I wonder then perhaps, would it be helpful if you went and did that on a walk rather than sitting in the house?

Carrie: 22:39

Absolutely. I think so. If you think about it in terms of the state of your emotional state. If you are in it at home and something starts up between the two of you again, what state are you in? If you guys are sitting, on the sofa or maybe at the dinner table or in bed at night? If you shift your state like if by just simply going out on a walk, that's gonna change what you're bringing to the situation. But I do like this idea of couples. Bringing it to the court and working it out. And just like, let's play together and talk about this thing while we're moving in this,

Charlotte J: 23:20

yeah. And I always say that about pickleball is, it's so social because the court is so small. And we have this great drilling session actually and it's called the Kitchen Game. So for people who play pickleball, and for those that don't, there is the area either side of the net is called the kitchen. And you're not supposed to stand in the kitchen, but you could actually stand with your partner across the net, hit the ball back and forth, and have a conversation at the same time. I love that, Carrie. Okay. Neil and I are going to try that next time we are on the court. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so if for anybody thinking, that sounds silly, I'm not going to do that. Are there any sort of simple, practical steps that people can take? To, help their own armor not come up? To help them not be so reactive, but also how do they start a conversation with their partner who's perhaps not as willing as them?

Carrie: 24:28

Well, I think one of the things I always say is don't take it personally. I think this is a good rule to follow because if you're reacting to it, you've taken it on, you've made it, you know your issue too. I always say maybe you were fine a second ago. Enjoying yourself, and all of a sudden your partner shows up and they have this issue. If you react to it now you've taken some ownership of it and you've taken the issue away from your partner because now. You've made it your issue as well. You're not really holding them in, whatever's coming up for them and listening to their experience and trying to understand it. Connect with them around it. And if you don't have those pieces, how are you really going to repair or support them, or address the issue. I think we have a tendency to just wanna fix things and, as women, we don't want our partners to fix things for us. Right. But women like, we'll do that too. Something comes up and we just wanna fix the problem. And I'm like, I get that. And there's a place for that in a way. But before you can even fix it. Let's start at the beginning. What is it you were even trying to fix? What is going on for that person? So, if you're struggling in the relationship to have these conversations, you might wanna look at just the history do you provide that space? Like you can start with just modeling that kind of conversation. And that might not be the solution to it, because oftentimes women are the ones that will bring up the issues more than, men will. Not all the time, but we like to talk about things, right? And bring things up and get all the details and the information. So that might be the case, But you can ask your partner for that kind of container to have the conversation and I guess just notice or pay attention to whether you're reacting to something they said and try to come back to. I just need you to hear what's coming up for me. I. I understand you have something coming up for you right now, you have your own thoughts, feelings, opinions about this and I'm open to hearing that and right now, I don't wanna go back and forth with it, just take a moment to hear what's coming up for me. Can you reflect back what you're hearing? So just slowing it down and paying attention. So one, don't take it personally.'cause if you do, you're gonna react to it so if you cannot take that personally, then just hear what they have to say, and then just reflect it back. Or you feel this way when this happened? Okay, tell me more about that. What happened, that made you believe that to be true about the situation. You're not making it your problem, it's their problem.

Charlotte J: 27:26

That's great advice.'Cause I think we're all guilty of that at times. Is attaching a story to it that makes it about us? Yeah. And I found this myself. If I can keep in my mind, in my consciousness that when Neil is talking, it's all about him and what he needs. And his feelings, and it's not about me at all. I think it feels a lot safer to hold space for the other person.

Carrie: 27:59

Yeah. If you are reacting Charlotte, then you're now holding that space. Right. Let's say Neil comes in with an issue. And even if he doesn't bring it up in a way that's like the most effective way, like an I statement, like, I feel this way. If he says, you did this and I'm mad, or I'm okay. It's a you statement. It might trigger something in you and then you react to it. But as soon as you react to it, now you've made it your problem and the likely. Thing that will happen is that your partner's gonna react to your reaction and then you're gonna react to that reaction. And then, so now you're in this like vicious, loop with each other. And this core issue of like maybe under that you pissed me off when you did this thing, is I'm hurt by this action. We might hear you did this, but it, so it's not about what you did. It's oh, when I did that thing, you felt hurt. Okay. Let me understand that like through your lens, through your eyes your life experiences, right? Your training, the messages you receive from as a little kid, like through your lens. I can see how you would. Feel that way. And that doesn't mean you agree with it necessarily. Validation is not agreement. Right. It's not agreement. But that's what we think we need so then if we react to it like. I didn't mean that, or I didn't do that, or that was my intention. Now we've taken ownership of it. We are trying to defend ourselves or, and then we're so far away we're not holding that container anymore. And so that core issue of I'm hurt I need, to be seen in that. Is missed. It's such a missed opportunity for connection. And then when we're in that vicious cycle, or that dance or that pattern, we get disconnected and the more it keeps on happening, the more disconnected, so we wanna break that pattern. So if you don't take things personally, then you're less likely to do that. And then, if you can hold that container for your partner be like, this is just what's coming up for them. Let me try to understand it. Let me hear it. Let me validate it. Let me empathize and then let me support and at that point, if you have something that you wanna share, then ask them to hold that. Container for you so that you can also move through whatever's coming up for you. And I think it's great if couples can do that and take turns, but now you're not in that power struggle, right? You're both in a place where you're being seen and heard, and you're building safety and trust and relational skills.

Charlotte J: 30:43

That sounds amazing. And a great place for people to start if they do want to have a, a conversation with their partner and this must relate then to relational intelligence that you talk about, and for couples who don't know about that, can you just simplify what relational intelligence is about?

Carrie: 31:04

So, I think about like just a relational iq, like what you were saying before, like we don't really get taught how to be relational in school. We go to school, we take math, we take science, right? We but we don't get a course on how to communicate, handle relationships and things like that. So it's learning how to be that way. So when we are in our reactive place, when our insecurity buttons get activated. Like the switch is turned on. Our biological instinct like reaction is to go into survival mode to protect ourselves. And when we're in that place, we're not being relational. Being relational, knowing ourselves, like self-awareness, communicating boundaries. I see those kind of falling under this relational, intelligent, a relational IQ umbrella of learning how to become that way. And I think when we can, I. Start to self-soothe ourselves and not react to these situations. To gain greater self-awareness in these situations and what our buttons are and where we typically go when our buttons are, hit and not doing those things and coming back to this more grounded, aligned place of, okay, this is what's coming up for me. This is what I need, this is how I'm gonna take care of myself. WI think we just step into this wiser state and relational state. I think we know how to be that way,'cause I think that just comes from a place of love. And when we can be open to it, we're, when we're trying to survive, we're not in, we're not in a place of love really. We're just in survival. We're not even in a place of love for ourselves because we're not even addressing. What it is that we need. Like we're in a way abandoning ourselves and we're out of love, even with ourselves. At least that's the way I see it.

Charlotte J: 32:58

Yeah, that makes sense. Absolutely. And I think, a first great step would really be to reconnect with ourselves and love ourselves. And like you mentioned earlier, model. What we want for the other person. If we want love from our partner, then we need to model that to our partner and we need to model that to ourselves as well.

Carrie: 33:24

Yeah. Well, when we're in it, I know it's easier said than done, like when you're in it and something is coming up for you. So that's why I said if you can practice this rule of not taking things so personally, you know that we are going to push each other's buttons, it's very different when you have these emotions attached to relationships, like in an intimate relationship, like a marriage or partnership, committed partnership. That's gonna be very different, than dealing with somebody at work or while you're making a sale. So, okay, this is going to happen. What are my buttons? How do I react when my buttons are, activated? Where does this come from? What do I need? How can I meet that need? So then you're doing this self soothing. You're actually addressing whatever wound is there versus just putting out a bandaid. Let's take care of it. And that doesn't mean it's gonna go away, or it won't be activated another time. But with time, you're not gonna be activated as easily.

Charlotte J: 34:29

We are just more aware of it and able to self soothe in the moment. Oh my gosh. Carrie, I have millions of questions. I could talk to you all day. It's amazing. I think that's a great start. I love those questions that you suggest that each of us asks our ourself. I know you have a love reset guide where you offer people quick practical shifts. Can you speak to that a little bit, yes. One small change that a couple could try this week.

Carrie: 35:01

it's a guide. Three shifts that I would suggest that a person, start with to make sustainable changes in the relationship. And one of'em is actually around, raising your standards. In a relationship. And that's why I really liked the pickleball too, because I feel like raising your standards, oftentimes we think about raising our standards. The standards are about like who we choose, in a relationship. But it's also about what we allow in the relationship too, and I think how we show up. Thinking about like, where is my part in this relationship? How am I showing up? What am I tolerating? In this relationship. So raising your standards like I was thinking about in terms of just health do I feel healthy, if I'm sitting at home'cause I'm depressed or down because my marriage is disconnected and scrolling on my phone, I'm not really in a great place. If I'm showing up like that every day in the relationship, how is that contributing? To the dynamic. But if I'm out on the pickleball court and showing up in this way and taking care of my health and my energies in a different place, like I'm raising my vibration and there my energy and what I bring to the relationship that might be something individually you do, but I think couples can do things like that, whether it's going out and playing pickleball together or, I have all these ideas about let's go to sound healing session together. Raise your vibration together, raise your standard for how each of you shows up and then learning how to show up differently, breaking the old pattern, and then, learning new skills and showing up in a different way. The Love Reset Guide is really a three shift, framework to use to guide you to moving back to love with each

Charlotte J: 36:56

other.

Carrie: 36:57

Mm,

Charlotte J: 36:58

What I'm really hearing and taking from this is we cannot expect other people to change. We cannot expect external things outside of us to be different. It really starts with us. It really starts within and when we can change our mindset, our behaviors. The way that we react, we raise our vibration, and that's what we put out into the world. And I am a firm believer in what you put out is what you attract and what you receive. Yeah. Yeah.

Carrie: 37:34

And the blocks that come up in your relationship, those are just opportunities for you to look at. Learn something about yourself in, in relation to that person. They reflect back to you where you might, need to grow. Or set a boundary To reframe conflict and challenges and or blocks in the relationships as really just why is this here for me right now? What is this calling me to look at mm-hmm.

Charlotte J: 38:04

I love that and I'm so excited for you to go back onto the pickleball court and yeah, I'm excited pickleball again, it's a great time of year because everything's moving outdoors. All the outdoor courts are opening up. I know, I always look forward to playing outside. It's a little bit more challenging with the weather, but it's. So nice to be outside with friends, with strangers meeting new friends and being active. I'm excited. You got me all pumped up

Carrie: 38:36

for it, Charlotte. I cannot wait today. I am going to get my new paddles. I'm gonna get the boys out there next. Week and I'm just excited to just get out and play and one, be outdoors right during this time, but also just to have this time to connect with my kids, with some new people. And so thank you for, being that little like nudge for me.

Charlotte J: 38:56

We all need those little nudges and I think. I get excited when I realize there are nudges. Ooh, I can go and do this, that, or, try something new. So, you're welcome. And oh, it's been a delight talking to you. I could literally talk to you all day. I would love for you to come back on again at a future date and you can tell us more about your pickleball experience this summer. Yeah. But Carrie, where can people find you?

Carrie: 39:27

So my website is carriesans.com, I'm on Instagram and Facebook and it's Carrie.sans, LMFT for licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Yeah.

Charlotte J: 39:41

And we'll put all those details in the show notes as well.

Carrie: 39:44

Sounds great. Thanks C Charlotte for our conversation today. I enjoyed it.

Charlotte J: 39:48

Thank you so much, Carrie. Thanks so much for listening today. I hope you enjoyed that conversation as much as I did. Anything mentioned, including links, notes, and a full episode list, will be over on our website at pickleballandpartnership. buzzsprout. com. Com. If you got something outta this episode, be sure to follow or subscribe to Pickleball and Partnership on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen so that you are notified of new and upcoming episodes. And if you're finding value in this podcast, a free way to support us is to leave a five star review, It truly means the world to us. This will help more people access these real conversations. And if you haven't connected with myself or Neil personally, we would love to meet you and say hi over on our Facebook page. Thanks again for listening. Please tune in next week for another exciting episode of Pickleball and partnership. Remember, we're all learning, growing, and showing up in our own ways. And that's what matters most.