Your Inner Critic Is a Terrible Roommate: How to Evict the Voice That's Keeping You Small

In this episode of 'Pickleball and Partnership,' Charlotte Jukes delves into the pervasive issue of the Inner Critic— that negative voice in your head that undermines your efforts and self-worth. 

Charlotte explains the evolutionary origins of this voice and its role as the brain's misguided threat detection system. She provides actionable techniques to change your relationship with this inner critic, including naming and externalising it, changing its voice, thanking and redirecting it, and asking critical questions to assess its validity. 

Through practical examples from pickleball and everyday life, Charlotte illustrates how mastering this inner critic can lead to significant personal growth and a more fulfilling life. Whether you're on the court or facing new challenges, this episode offers invaluable strategies for turning down the volume on self-doubt and making room for growth and new experiences.

00:00 Introduction: Understanding the Inner Critic

00:32 Welcome to Pickleball and Partnership

01:51 The Inner Critic Explained

03:37 Inner Critic on the Pickleball Court

06:22 Negativity Bias and Evolution

10:42 Recognizing the Inner Critic's Voice

16:44 Techniques to Disarm the Inner Critic

26:11 Summary and Key Takeaways

28:45 Conclusion and Next Steps

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Music: Purple Planet Music
Thanks to Purple Planet Music for Pickleball & Partnership Intro and Outro music Purple Planet Music is a collection of music written and performed by Chris Martyn and Geoff Harvey.

Transcript

Charlotte J: 0:00

So what are we talking about today? That voice in your head that tells you you're not good enough, that you are going to fail, that everyone can see how inadequate you are. Do you know that voice? Of course we all do. And here's what I want you to know that voice is not the truth. It's not insight. It's not even accurate most of the time and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for having it. Welcome back to Pickleball and Partnership, where we are talking about the game of pickleball and the life that teaches us who we really are. If that sounds like your cup of tea, pull up a chair, grab your paddle and join me Charlotte Jukes, as we dive in. today we are talking about your inner critic, that relentless voice that narrates all your failures, all of your catastrophes. It catastrophizes your future and it tells you somehow fundamentally flawed. So we are going to understand where this voice comes from and why your brain is literally wired to be harsh with you, and most importantly, how to catch it in the act and completely disarm it because here's. The thing. You can't get rid of your inner critic, but you can absolutely change your relationship with it. You can turn the volume down, you can make it less threatening. And here's the good bit. You can even make it funny. So if you are tired of being bullied by your own mind, this episode is for you. Let's dive in. Okay, first things first. What even is the inner critic? So in the simplest terms, your inner critic is your brain's threat detection system. That's gone a little. What shall we say rogue? Let me explain. So our brain has one primary job and that is. Keeping us alive. And for most of human history, the biggest threats to our survival have been physical, like predators, starvation, being rejected by your tribe. so our brains evolve to be. A prediction machine. It's constantly scanning for threats, trying to anticipate what could go wrong so that you can avoid it, and this is where the inner critic comes in. So it's trying to protect you by pointing out. Everything you might do wrong, every way that you may fail, every reason that people might reject you. It thinks that if it can actually identify the threat first, if it can criticize you before anybody else does, then it can keep you safe. It's a bit like. An overprotective parent who thinks that if they just criticize their child enough, then they'll be perfect. And if you're perfect, you'll be safe. The problem is that none of us can ever be perfect, and that criticism actually doesn't protect you. It paralyzes you ever felt that? I know I have. Okay, so of course, let's take it to the pickleball court. When I first learned how to play pickleball, my inner critic was very loud. When I learn a new skill, a new shot, a new position on the court, a new drill, my inner critic is loud. It's that voice in my head that says. Oh, you're no good at this. It's not worth trying. Don't do it. Just do the shots that you're used to take the action that you're used to doing. The familiar action, the safe action. It's unsafe to grow. Don't try a new skill. Don't try a new shot. Don't. Post that post on social media about something fun and exciting or that new course that you're about to launch. It's that voice that criticizes I remember there was a point a few weeks ago, we were, a group of us were drilling and I had to stop and pause because my inner critic voice was so loud. I was completely distracted. It was trying to protect me. It was trying to stop me from doing something that. Felt very unfamiliar. It was trying to protect me and keep me safe by literally playing small, playing the game of pickleball that I knew I could do without allowing me to experience something new, trying a new shot, trying a new drill. It was trying to protect me from failing, from looking like an idiot in front of other people. And if I stopped and listened to it, I wouldn't have grown. I wouldn't have tried that new drill. I wouldn't have experimented with hitting the ball in a different way. It would've cost me. Growth it would've cost me moving forward in my game. And we can apply this to any area of life. I have heard my inner critic at times where I've decided to join a new group when I first was invited into a book club. My inner critic told me not to go. You don't need this book club. These people are not your people. They are way more intelligent than you are. What on earth are you thinking of going to a book club? This is not for you. And it. Costs us new experiences. It costs us personal growth. So now let's talk about negativity bias. And this is a well-documented psychological phenomenon where your brain is wired to pay more attention to any negative information than positive information. You know what that's like? You could be at a party and you're having fun, and there are five people in front of you and four people welcome you and say, oh my gosh, you look amazing. I love your hair. Wow, I love your dress. That's incredible. You look really fit and healthy. And the fifth person says, oh, you have a new hairstyle. In a voice that doesn't create warmth inside you, and what do you focus on, you focus on that one negative piece of information Instead of the four positive comments and compliments that you received. Researcher Rick Hansen says, and I love this because we all understand Velcro and we all understand Teflon, and he says. The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. Isn't that the truth? And why is this? Because in evolutionary terms, if you missed the positive thing, like the berry bush, for your next meal. No big deal. But if you missed the negative thing, perhaps it was the snake in the grass, the cliff, the predator. You were at risk of dying. So our ancestors were hypervigilant about threats around them, they were the ones that survived and passed on their genes. So, congratulations, I guess because we all have inherited that inner critic. When we make a mistake or we face potential rejection, it's our amygdala. That part of our brain, the brain's alarm system, the amygdala fires up. It floods our system with stress hormones, cortisol and our inner critic jumps in with, its helpful, and I say helpful in. Inverted commas. It's helpful commentary. You see, you're terrible. Everyone thinks you're an idiot. You should just give up the inner critic actually thinks it's helping. It thinks. If it makes you feel bad enough, then you won't make that mistake again. But the truth is shame and fear don't create lasting change. Shame and fear actually create paralysis and anxiety and more shame. Let's go back to the pickleball court. When I'm standing there about to attempt a new shot, a different drill, something that's unfamiliar, I don't know what I'm doing. In that moment, when I paused, I was able to bring awareness to what was happening. I realized. This is just my brain trying to protect me instead of telling myself I'm a terrible person. I understood the biology of what was happening. I didn't need to make it about my character, about who I really am. And so this is what I really need you to hear. There is nothing wrong with you for having an inner critic. It doesn't mean you're broken. You're not damaged in any way. You are not incomplete. We are all human. Every single person listening to this has an inner critic. Yes, some critics are louder than others. Some critics are definitely more vicious. But we all have one. So the question isn't, why do I have this voice? The question is, how do I change my relationship with it? So, okay, if the inner critic is universal, we all have one. How do you know when it's talking? So. Let me read these off and it feels painful to say these out loud, but it gives you a really clear idea of what the inner critic is saying when you hear this voice pipe up. These are some of the inner critics favorite things to say, here we go. You're not good enough. Who do you think you are? Everyone else has it figured out except you. You are going to fail. They're going to find out you are a fraud. You should be further along by now. What's wrong with you? You always mess everything up too much. You are not enough. Sound familiar. Okay, let's shake that off. Let's take a deep breath. Let's regulate our nervous systems again after hearing that. Whew. Now, here's something important. The inner critic is not the same as our intuition. Or our discernment, because our intuition might say, Hmm, something feels off here. I need more information before I can make a decision. Whereas your inner critic will say, you are too stupid to make this decision. You're going to screw it up like you always do. See the difference? Our intuition is calm and clear and informative, whereas the inner critic is harsh. It's absolute, and it feels shameful. Intuition really helps us navigate, whereas the inner critic tries to keep us small. So first thing we have to do is catch it in the act. And what I love to do in this situation is to develop what's called the observer self. This is that part of you that can notice your thoughts without being completely consumed by them. So think of it like this. Instead of being the character in the movie, you become the person who is watching the movie. You can see what's happening without being completely identified with it. What I did in that moment on the pickleball court was to separate myself from the thoughts that I was having even physically, if it helps take a step to the side as. If you are moving away from the voice so you can see the space in between, and notice we are simply noticing the voice, the words. We are not judging it. We are not trying to fix it. The first step is simply becoming aware, and that's when we start to see patterns. So maybe you find that your critic is at its loudest in the morning, or maybe it shows up most when you're about to do something new maybe it has specific topics that your inner critic loves to harp on. Maybe it's your appearance. Maybe it's your competence at something. Maybe it berates you for your worth. I can definitely relate to my inner critic giving me a hard time about my appearance and my competence. So again, on the pickleball court, I notice my inner critic when I feel like I'm up against players who are better than me it seems to be, whenever I try something new, my inner critic becomes very loud. And I wonder how many of you can relate to this when I'm getting ready in the morning and I'm choosing my clothes and I'm doing my hair. My inner critic is very loud about who I'm going to meet that day and what judgements they're going to have about the way I look or what I'm wearing. This was definitely a pattern that I started to notice, and so the moment I could actually name it the moment that I became aware of it, i'd already started to separate myself from it because here's the thing, none of us are our inner critics. We are the one who hears the inner critic, and that distinction changes everything. So, okay, now we know how to spot the inner critic. We know when it's talking. Now what? Here's what I found doesn't work. Fighting the inner critic, trying to suppress it, telling myself, I shouldn't think this way. I need to be better. It's just another layer of criticism. When I realized that, I was like, oh my gosh. It's like I'm fighting fire with fire. It was Carl Jung who said, what you resist persists. And that's so true. When I was fighting the inner critic, I was actually giving it more power. I was making it the enemy, which means that it became bigger and scarier. So instead of that. I learned to disarm the inner critic. I took away its power by changing my relationship with it. Easier said than done, but I know these next techniques will help. On a very practical level. So the first technique is name it and externalize it. I actually found this a fun exercise to do. Give your inner critic a name and an identity that's separate from yourself. Some of the clients I work with call their inner critic, the judge the perfectionist. Or the Gremlin. One client named her inner critic Brenda, because it sounded like a middle-aged woman who was perpetually disappointed. So when you externalize it, you can then create some distance. So instead of thinking, Ugh, I'm a failure, it becomes. Oh, Brenda's at it again, telling me I'm a failure. You could even visualize what it looks like. Maybe it's a grumpy troll. A stressed out boss. Maybe it's actually your fourth grade teacher who told you you'd never amount to anything. The point is it's not you. It's a voice. And voices can be managed. For my inner critic, I immediately felt drawn towards Monica Geller from"Friends" because she wants everything just so she feels responsible for everyone. She over prepares and over functions, and then she gets very anxious if things aren't perfect, but actually she just wants to be loved and feel safe, I felt very akin to Monica Geller. And so sometimes I will visualize her when I hear my inner critic, also I relate in some ways. To Claire Dunphy from Modern Family because she has, such high expectations. She wants everything organized gets overwhelmed quite easily tries to hide it, and takes on more than she needs to. That's definitely me. I'll hold everything together so no one gets upset and then perhaps afterwards I'll lose it and then somebody else that I resonated with in a sort of weird way, I guess, is Mary Poppins because she's very proper and polished and she knows the right way. She doesn't tolerate chaos. And I remember saying this. To Neil so many times, oh my gosh, you love chaos. I can't tolerate chaos. And also as painful it is to say, I think Mary Poppins has this sort of subtle superiority that masks her insecurity. So when I started thinking about who my critic was what she looked like where she was coming from, and I really understood her more. I named her and it definitely gave me this separation between me and the voice. And the second technique, which actually is one of my favorite because it's weirdly effective, and it's also so much fun, is changing the voice. So when you hear your inner critic start, maybe it's saying. You're going to fail. Everyone will see how incompetent you are. Change the voice. You can make it sound like anything you want to, like maybe a cartoon character. Give it a funky voice. Give it a crazy voice. Give it a sultry, sexy voice. Ooh, baby, you are going to fail so hard. Give it a Shakespearean actor voice or a robot. Or maybe, your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving or Christmas. I mean, I'm being totally serious. Try it. Think of something that your inner critic says to you on a regular basis, and now say it out loud in the voice of a cartoon character. Almost impossible to take it seriously. Right? And I've done this so many times. It works because it disrupts the automatic emotional response that we have. So it's impossible for our brains to be terrified, to be scared and think something is funny at the same time. Honestly, try it. It's so much fun and it really works. The third technique is to thank your inner critic and then redirect it when the inner critic shows up instead of fighting it. You can thank it. Thank you for trying to protect me, and I've got this. Because remember that your inner critic thinks that it's helping. It's trying to keep you safe from failing, from being rejected, from feeling that shame. And so when we acknowledge its intention, and then we gently ask it to step aside, that could look like, hey, thanks inner critic. I know you're worried. I'll embarrass myself. I really appreciate you trying to keep me safe, but I've prepared, I'm competent, and even if I mess up, I'm going to be okay. So you can take a break now. And the fourth technique comes from Byron Katie's the Work, which I absolutely love. She, completely changed my life several years ago and I will record a podcast episode on that because it was such a pivotal moment in my life. But ask your inner critic. Is that true? So when you hear you are not smart enough for this, you can ask it. Is that true? Can you absolutely know that that's true? And often the answer is no, or at least it's not absolutely true. And then you can ask yourself, what would I do if I didn't believe this thought? And if you didn't believe the thought, you're not smart enough for this, maybe then you would apply for that job. Maybe you would have that conversation with your boss about a pay raise. Maybe you would try whatever that new thing is. In that moment, then yes, I would try that new drill. I would try that new pickleball shot. I would go and play in that tournament. That feels like I'm stretching myself outside my comfort zone and the fifth technique. Is to be compassionate with our inner critic. This is where you become your own advocate. So when our critic says You are a failure, you can respond preferably out loud. That's not true. I'm learning. I'm doing my best. I'm worthy even when I make mistakes. And when the critic says you are too much, you can say, I'm not too much. I'm exactly enough. The right people appreciate all of me. It's not just positivity, it's not pretending that everything is perfect. It's actually speaking to yourself the way that you would speak to someone you love. It's the way that you would speak to one of your children. It's the way that you would speak to your best friend or your partner, because you wouldn't tell any of them that they're a worthless failure. You would remind them of their strengths and how much effort they are putting into something, and so when we can do that for ourselves, that changes everything. I do this throughout the day when I become aware of my inner critic talking. And again, let's go back to the pickleball court and my inner critic is saying, little Miss Perfect is standing there telling me Don't try that new skill. Don't try that shot. You're not going to make it. I can say. Hmm. Thank you for showing up. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. I know you have my best interests at heart, but I'm okay. I've got this. I'm courageous enough, I'm brave enough to try this, and if I fail, it's all right because I'm not perfect. I'm human. And I really want to try this shot now, and I'm with friends and no one is going to laugh at me. In fact, when I try this shot, I'm giving others permission to also try things that are new for them as well. So it's not like we are trying to achieve perfect silence in our heads. We are becoming the boss of our own minds. Let me summarize the three step reset we can all do when the critic attacks. One pause, take a breath, don't react immediately to the voice. Number two, name it. Ah, this is my inner critic speaking. This is Monica Geller speaking. This is Mary Poppins speaking. Three, choose a response. Thank you for trying to protect me, but I've got this. Or change the voice or ask, is it true? Every time we do this, we're building a new muscle. It does take practice. It doesn't come the first time we try it. Be patient with yourself. So this week I invite you to notice name and play, and if you catch yourself being harsh with yourself about being harsh with yourself, that's just the critic trying to stay relevant, and now you can see what it's doing and that changes everything. here are the key takeaways from today's episode. Your inner critic is a terrible roommate. Number one, your inner critic is biology, not truth. It's your brain's overprotective alarm system trying and failing to keep you safe from rejection and failure. Negativity. Bias is evolution, not a character flaw. Number two, you are not your thoughts. You are the one observing them. The moment you can say, that's my inner critic talking instead of I'm not good enough. You've created the distance that changes everything. Number three, don't fight it. Disarm it. Give it a silly name. Change its voice to a cartoon character. Thank it and redirect it. What you resist persists, so make it ridiculous instead. Number four, the critic deals in absolutes. Reality doesn't when it says you are a failure, ask, is that actually true? Usually it's not. The critic likes to catastrophize. You get to fact check. Number five. The goal isn't silence. It's about being the boss. You can't eliminate the critic, but you can stop letting it make decisions. It can have opinions, but you have the final say. Thank you for being here today. Thank you for showing up and doing this work with me, and if this episode resonated, take a moment to share it with a friend who might need this reminder. And if you're ready to explore this work more deeply to reconnect with your true self and move beyond old patterns. You can find me on Facebook, on Instagram, or send me an email. So until next time, keep breathing, keep playing, and keep feeling, because that's where real freedom begins.